Confessions of a Befuddled Mind

mangolee_schnooglesquee

Rating: PG
Genres: Drama, Romance
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 6
Published: 24/12/2007
Last Updated: 24/12/2007
Status: completed

"Why had I reduced myself to such an insignificant level? I’ve been drowning in my own self-pity.They say it's true love. Well, they can true love my arse." A look on what goes on inside the brilliant mind of Hermione Granger.

Chapters

1. Confessions of a Befuddled Mind

1. Confessions of a Befuddled Mind

A/N: Well, may I tell you that amidst my calmness, I’m actually squeeing on the inside. My first PK fic! Oh, excuse me if I sound too excited. I’ll try to control myself. Well this is just something I came up with a long long time ago, and decided that it would be best to post it here. Happy Holidays, everyone! XD

Disclaimer: I don't own anything but the plot.

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Why had I reduced myself to such an insignificant level?

It's been weeks, and I’ve been drowning in my own self-pity. Their relationship is a debacle, for crying out loud. Had he been too dense to notice that? They're literally on the verge of breaking up, and yet they pursue with it. They say it's true love.

Well, they can true love my arse.

It was never about love, and I knew that. It was about lust and disgusting fiery passion. I knew it. Inside her minuscule brain is that plague of simple lust that she disguises as love, and I’m upset that he doesn’t see that. I've warned him, and yet all I get is a glare-- a sharp stab in my heart that'll leave lacerations. Was I not enough for him? Being his loyal best friend for year’s worth of time, being there to catch him and comfort him?

I guess not.

Now, here I am drowning myself in self-pity, in between the pages of a muggle novel. The words seem jumbled to me anyway. I’m really here waiting for his arrival, ready for the worst as I fight him; As I confuse him and try to knock some sense into him. He's entering this frivolous relationship, and I know that that poor excuse of a woman would soon etch something so malicious in his mind that he would change for good. I’m only showing my concern, mind you.

Isn’t that what people do to others they utterly and completely love?

"Yeah, I’ll see you tomorrow night." I heard his distant voice-that low, seductive tone he uses on her. If I could just pull her long red hair and entangle them into a blow dryer! I was enraged. I heard her mocking giggle as my idiot best friend walked through the portrait hole, wearing that same distant grin on his face.

She was tempted to kill. Her hands went through the sleek blade of the knife...

I read from the muggle book, which I now threw into the fire. It sent noisy crackling sounds through the room. I clenched my fists tight as I made that grotesque clearing of my throat. He turned his face towards my direction, seemingly surprised.

"Hermione! You scared me." He said, approaching me and sitting on the nearest couch. His hair was disheveled, and his tie was misplaced. Three buttons were loose on his shirt, and his belt was unbuckled.

How I’d love to drown that woman into the depths of the lake and make her bathe in her own filthy blood!

"It's one in the morning, Harry." I said, making my eyebrows meet in such a violent way that it sent an awful headache. Harry was smiling as he continued to stare through the crackling fire.

"Tonight was amazing, Hermione." What had she done this time? Had she finally conquered my best friend's innocent little mind? Where again, this time? The bushes? The dungeons? On the broom?

The last one was clearly impossible but somehow, they managed.

"Obviously. As I can see, your belt is once again, unbuckled." I said with such skepticism. My feet were tapping against the shag, and it bothered him. He looked back at me in disbelief as his cheeks started to tint. Not this night, I thought. I will not fall for his adorableness this night.

I will not!

"Oh...erm..." He was chuckling, running his hand through his hair. I unconsciously bit my lip as I clutched on tightly to the handle of the armchair, digging my nails deep into the woolen drapery. How could someone look so...godly and admirable? He stopped and looked back at me, shy and meek. He bent his head sidewards, and I saw that familiar brown spot on his neck.

How I filled with so much hatred towards that...woman.

"Ohhh...how interesting. What do you call those little brown spots again?" I was being sarcastic, of course. I am every bit glad he noticed. He turned to me, his face starting to frown. He quickly covered it with his hand as he acted upon scratching his neck.

"Hermione, is there something wrong?" Oh, none of course!

"Yes. Lots of things are wrong, Harry!" Had I been too dunce to actually notice that I switched the scripted phrase with the ramblings inside my head? He was indeed shocked to see me in such a state of distress. He never saw me like this--not even Ronald saw me like this! Surprisingly, I found myself shaking--

With rage.

"Tell me what's wrong then." He was inching closer to me. The infamous 'I’m-your-best-friend-hug' I assume. I’m sick of all that! Had she totally poisoned his mind in becoming an insensitive git? I would sell my soul just to kill her.

"No." wrapping my arms around my chest, I chose to stand up. My feet were starting to go numb, and I was indeed sure that my face was red. Ringlets started to fall from my ponytail as I gathered my things with such distinction. He leaned back onto the chair and looked remorsefully at me.

"I’m your friend, Hermione. I don’t know why you refuse to confide in me anymore." He sounded sad, almost disappointed. Why must I be so sensitive about other people? Putting my hands over the waistline of my drawstring, I heaved a sigh as I looked back at him and tried to at least decipher what he was thinking.

"My friend?" I stressed. The room echoed and bathed with my words. He seemed dazed, looking back at me. He had never seen mo so...desperate. I never even saw myself as desperate as I am right now. "Harry...since the start of the term I think you never even were my friend anymore." I said in a bare whisper. I saw him look down, somewhat lost in his own befuddling thoughts. It was the honest truth. She came into his life just like that, and now I’m seemingly vanishing from it. It was all about her. Her seemingly good looks, her vanity...

And to think that she was like a sister to me.

"You know it's been hard for me, Hermione."

"But I’m not the one being insensitive, Harry. You are." I've done it. The very phrase that would start the end of our friendship. I felt that nerve pop, and he looked sharply back at me. This was it, and I am completely sure of it.

"Insensitive? Me? You're the one interrogating me and throwing suspicions about me and Ginny!" I’m the one faulting now? How can he be so judgmental! Hadn’t he pierced my heart enough?

"Is it my fault that I intend to care?" Is it my fault that I obviously and truthfully love you?

"Frankly, yes!" My world is seemingly starting to crash down before me. I hadn’t noticed the first tear crash down onto the floor. I was intertwining my fingers continually, nibbling on the bottom of my lip and finding the right words to truly open him up to the possibility...

of me.

"You don’t control me!"

Why is he so dense? I've tried with every whim I’ve got to let him see me. It sounds so superficial, and yet is it my fault that I love him so much? He was looking at me in utter loathing, and it hurt me.

so bad.

"Harry! Open your eyes, please!"

"Open them for what? Just stop caring, Hermione! Just leave me and Ginny alone!" A stream of tears started to fall from my face, and onto the shag. He'd done it. He completely hurt me and yet, I find myself stuck between leaving and not wanting to lose him. "She's the only one that makes me happy these days, why cant you just accept that?"

I tried to, Harry. I still am.

"Don’t I make you happy?" I asked meekly. He rolled his eyes on me, and I felt that stabbing pain by my chest.

"Just right now, no, you're not. Just leave us alone, Hermione. Mind your own bloody business!" He doesn’t know how bad my heart aches right now. Had she completely poisoned him? He's changed. I could see. As I felt tears strolling down my face, I thought with a new agony of the life I'll be living without him. It would be dull, just like me.

Damnit, Harry, why do I love you so much?

"...Who are you?" I asked him. I came towards him and pointed onto his chest. He stood up and faced me, seeping into my eyes. He was blazing with anger, and I saw his eyes turn dark. I glared back at him, braver than I expected myself to appear as.

If he were this oblivious, then I'd rather state the obvious.

"...and what have you done to the friend I know?" He now looked confused, staring down at me. I have never been braver.

"What have you done to the friend I love?" I could feel my words sink into his head, and his face turned expressionless. I was sobbing. I buried my face in my hands as I walked away. He didn’t even bother to follow.

Why does he hurt me? And most of all, why am I utterly stupid to let him hurt me?

I dared to look back, and I just found him staring back at me. There is absolutely no hope now. Why must I bother? Closing the door behind me, only then did I feel the emotion kick in.

And I cried.

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I felt the radiating heat on my face and I very well knew it was already morning. The night wasn’t so bad, to tell you honestly. Not only have I occupied myself in crying, but also, there was an assortment of things to throw around.

I hate vulnerability.

I’m actually quite doltish on actually thinking there was the most minuscule of possibilities that we would end up together. I’m an idiot, and I admit it. But I’ve made a vow last night, and I’m not willing to break it.

Never again, Harry. Never.

Harry James Potter would, never again, have the chance to break my heart. It's what he chose, and so I will willingly follow. I will leave out of his business, as hard as it may be. I will accept his relationship with Ginny, and try to even be ecstatic about it (notice my sarcasm). Most of all...

I will stay out of his life.

forever.

Through last night, being awake on my four-poster bed, I’ve come to realize that I have been merely living in an illusion that would never come true. Mostly everyone does, actually. Now, I’m merely saving myself. I fully know that the thought of him would seemingly haunt me through my life, and the flashing images of our past friendship would make me crave.

I must resist.

I stood up from my bed, noticing the stares of Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil on me. If they were willing to interrogate on my life, the more the reason for me to get out quickly. Yet, I knew wasn’t fast enough.

"Hermione, you've been crying all night." She was looking back in concern, and Parvati suddenly halted to come near me. The thing I hate most is being forced into telling something you've wanted to keep inside. I don’t know what the deal is with all these useless forcing.

"No, I haven’t. What gave you such a ludicrous idea?" Had I stated the obvious? She glanced at the empty box of Kleenex on my bed stand, and the tissue scattered on the floor. Her glance shifted from that to my pillow, which was damp and cold from all my tears.

"Don’t lie to us, Hermione. Tell us what happened, maybe we can help."

"I have my best friends to confide in, thank you very much." that may have been a major burn to them, me dissing them and considering them as something so shallow. I definitely saw their faces go down, but they must’ve thought I didn’t notice. My apologetic look wasn’t working, either.

"How must you confide in them if one of them is the one causing you so much pain?" I only noticed how smart Parvati was until now. Albeit the eavesdropping, she still managed to figure out what my problem was. I guess hiding it would be lying once more. I’m sick of lying. I sat back down, the two girls sitting beside me.

"Hermione, we know how hard it is. You must face it somehow."

"It isn’t hard, Lav. It never was. It's...painful." Their faces softened as they glanced at the familiar four poster bed of Ginny, where she, at this particular moment, didn’t lay on. It only brought me to tears, thinking that she must’ve met with Harry by now. Lavender started to stroke my back in a comforting manner, as Parvati grabbed the Kleenex from my bedside table, and grabbed another of her own.

"Hermione, you don’t have to be so sad about it. This is just Harry. Why not talk to him?" how idiotic to say.

"Talk to him? I just confessed in front of his bloody stupid looking face and he didn’t even dare reply to me! How am I supposed to be talking to him while a red-headed, superficial wannabe is trying to get him to bed…again!" They were taken aback by the strong words I used to imminently describe Ginny. They had never seen me in such rage, and I myself felt my knees starting to shake. Tears were free falling onto my cheeks, and yet I still couldn’t ebb away the images flashing in my mind. Harry has always been there for me, and now that I need him the most, he's the hardest to get to.

It breaks my heart.

"Oh, Hermione! We feel your pain as well!"

"No, you don’t!" How dare they say that they're feeling the intense hurt I’m feeling now? Are they that insensitive? The pain welling up inside me is more than the pain they think I’m feeling. I’m nearly dead, inside! I’m dark. There's no light anymore. I live through desperation and misery! Don’t they dare say they know what I’m feeling! "You have no clue on what I’m feeling, so don’t dare say you know more about it than I do!"

"Hermione, you have got to face him somehow! We don’t want to loose you just because of this." If I were just in the mood to laugh, Parvati, I would’ve laughed at your face. When did they ever care about me? When did they ever become my friends? As I remember, they were too busy basking in their own superficiality for the past 6 years.

"Don’t tell me what to do, Parvati. You don’t control my life."

"But when a person starts to shift it onto the wrong direction, that's where I go in and try to help." She looked disappointed and rejected. I am causing people so much pain. Isn’t my pain enough?

"I’m trying to help, Hermione. We are."

"Well, just quit it because it's not going to change the fact that Ginny is now swooning in his arms, and I'm here, stuck with my own self and sulking myself to the point of eternal misery."

"You're going to be fine, Hermione!" that got me.

"I know I’m going to be fine! What kind of idiot says that? I know I’m going to be fine someday, and you don’t have to dictate that to me! You want to help me? Leave me alone! Let me die for all I care, my life is useless right now." I was clutching onto my pillow tight. Tears and more tears. They looked back at me, awestruck and disappointed. "Just leave me alone! Get out!"

The last words were cut as I felt a sharp pain by my cheek. My head was tilted sidewards, and I felt Lavender seething with anger. Tears started to fall more violently, and I found myself choking sobs. Parvati was holding Lavender back as she started to point her finger at me. Hadn’t I been embarrassed enough? Tortured and hurt?

"That is for being rude about us helping. It might knock some sense into you, Hermione Jean Granger. We looked up to you, yet you treat us like we're these shallow, superficial people. Have you no conscience?" She waved her hair on me as she and Parvati headed for the door. Looking back one more time, eyes still filled with rage, she uttered the most hurtful words that, to this very day, still haunt me.

"You ask us why Harry refuses to be with you? It's the reason that you're pathetic, Hermione. You deserve what's happening to you." The slamming echoed through my head, and I felt myself choke on my own salty tears.

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I feel alone.

It's very desperate of me, but all I wish for right now is some company. I had never felt so unwanted and deserted in my life. It's like a multitude of people suddenly turned their backs on me and left me to rot. For the past week, all I’ve received are glares and rude whispers; I assume Lavender and Parvati had already spread my rude outburst towards them. To tell you honestly, I deserve it though. I’m also quite used to this- being different and discriminated.

If these feelings just never surfaced, this wouldnt've happened.

I've been avoided and looked down upon for so many times in a day that I feel like the most hated person here. Harry is one of the people who has been avoiding me, pray tell. Since that night in the common room, I haven’t even seen the bit of him since then. I have glanced at Ginny a few times , which she returned with a scowl and a huff, swishing her hair in front of me. It is beyond what I know that either she knows my feelings towards Harry, or Lavender and Parvati have poisoned her with their exaggerated gossip.

Either way, I still lost a best friend.

And by which, I am referring to Harry and not the redheaded superficial woman.

Now, I find myself drowning in my own tears as I sit alone by the lake. I miss him. Is it so wrong to? Probably yes, due to the fact that he is happy with another person. I hate to think that I’m being the third wheel antagonist in their perfect relationship. I will not sink myself to such an insignificantly low level.

The wind seems colder now, and twilight is starting. The shades of indigo, pink and black are starting to fill the sky, and the cosmic stars were starting to show themselves. Inside, I heard the jovial laughter of people enjoying the night, while I am stuck here sulking.

Hermione Jean Granger...sulking.

Lavender was right. I was pathetic, and still am. Night was already dominant, and I could barely see the lake in front of me. The shuffling of the leaves started to send chills up my spine, and I knew the feeling very well.

I was starting to cower.

I shivered, hugging the coat close to me. Things were better when I actually had friends beside me while the weather brought forth its unbearable wrath. But I very well knew that that would never happen again. I’m on my own.

Once again.

Tears continued to fall, yet I started to become emotionless minutes before. These tears were now meaningless, and cold.

like me.

"Please stop crying." That voice rang in my ears, and I laid still. The world stopped, and I didn’t bother to look back. I jumped off the rock where I was seated in and looked through the lake, wiping the remains of the substance off my face. It seemed so silent now as I held my breath.

"You don’t control me." I told him the same words that pierced my heart a week ago. I heard him sigh, yet he stayed still behind me. I felt that he had the urgency to console me on the back, yet he retreated to. More tears dropped, and I didn’t bother to wipe them any longer.

"Hermione-"

"Why are you here?" I faced him, and I felt that familiar sensation I used to feel. At least, I thought I used to. Had my love withered away? No, it hasn’t. It still remains pure. Yet, Now it seems hard to resurface it through all the heartache.

"I wanted to talk."

"We've had 6 years of talk, Harry." Six very long years of talk, and he only grabbed this moment.

"Yes. 6 very wonderful years of talk, and I want it to last." He was seeping through me, his emerald eyes searing through my eyes and finding that tint of hurt I feel inside. He held my hand, but I pulled it away. I saw his expression, hurt and disappointed. He needs to feel it--the rejection and the pain I’ve been feeling. He just needs to.

"Stop being pathetic, Harry." I saw his face turn into such a hurtful expression that my heart nearly gave in. I was hurting him, and I felt the lacerations in my heart instead in his. "You have me to be that."

"About the other night-"

"What about it?" I turned my back on him, just to feel that fleeting feeling of pride: of people actually feeling turned out on. Albeit this, he still went in front of me and grabbed my arm.

"Hermione, don’t you want to hear what I’m about to say?" He seemed desperate, yet I promised myself I wouldn’t give in.

I don’t want to get hurt again.

"No, Harry! I don’t!" I screamed. He never took his hand off my arm, even as I tried to shake it off. He seemed determined, and yet he caused tears to fall from my face. “I’ve heard what you had to say that night, and I’m sick of it replaying in my head over and over and over again!"

"Hermione, stop being so stubborn!"

"Let go of me!"

"I will not let go of you, Hermione! I will not let go of you until you listen!" Amidst all my spanking and slapping, he remained determined as he held me close to him with his firm grip on my arms. "I will not let you go again!"

That rang in my ears, and I felt tired. Completely tired.

Sobs escaped my mouth as I cried in his chest, pounding onto it with my chained hands. He released onto my arms as he wrapped his own around my waist, pulling me secure. I was angry at him. Enraged.

Giving me another chance to fall in love was a big mistake.

"I’m tired, Harry." I whispered into his chest. I felt myself growing weak and frail in his arms. "Just let go of me and stop hurting me."

"I cant do that. You know I cant.”

"Why don't you go to Ginny and be with her instead. Honestly, Harry. It’s fine with me. She’s yours.”

"Not anymore." My tear-stained face looked up at him. He smiled weakly down at me, and I felt myself give in onto him. The sweetest of smiles was given to me, and I felt my heart swell.

"I broke up with Ginny." I had blinked a few times, just making sure that I wasn’t hallucinating. I slowly released from him and looked at him in disbelief. Had I been his backup, I don’t know. But something flared inside of me-something unexplainable. Had he been an idiot to break up with Ginny? Was that the reason of her utter dislike towards me? Did he dare use me as an excuse? As much as I prayed for that to happen in so long, I find it wrong.

"What kind of idiot would do that? Harry, you didn’t have to break another heart to save mine!" The rage was back, and I glared at him. He got my hand, and I was surprised that I didn’t bother to even pull it back.

"Why are you here?" I asked again. He was silent, stepping a pace nearer to me. I caught my breath, expecting nothing but I stupid answer from him. I felt my cheeks heat up as continuous tears streamed down my face. I was shaking, yet I found it to stand still.

"I’m here because I want you." That sweet melodic phrase rang in my head as I stared back at him. He got my hands into his and put it by his heart, where I felt the soft vibrations on my palm. He intertwined his fingers in mine as he placed his lips onto our hands, letting it linger for a moment's time. I felt my heart ringing in my ears as I caught my breath in pure bliss. "I need you, and no one else."

"What are you doing to me?" I whispered, as his face was inches from mine. He cupped my cheek into his hands as he gazed into my eyes with so much love, my heart wrenched. I had seemingly forgotten to breathe, standing still beside him.

"Give me a chance to love you back, Hermione. Please." With the lightest of kisses, our lips touched, grazing against one another. That feeling, I will cherish forever. As superficial as it may sound, I was floating upon a cloud. Gravity seemed to desert me as I sunk into his arms. The most pleasurable feeling ran through my body as he pulled me closer to him.

"Don’t let go." I heard him moan. I felt so elated at that point. It was all surreal to me—completely unbelievable.

"I wont."

My eyes gave in, and I found myself clinging onto him. His arms grasped my waist with such security, pulling me closer to him. I felt light headed as my body crushed against his, my face flushed. I felt myself lie down onto the grass, having him rest onto me, with his hand on the grass as support. The sweetest sensation rushed through my body, hypnotizing me as he trailed kisses down my neck. I held onto the nape of his neck, in a state of complete bliss I kept my eyes closed. Dried tears were all that was left on my face as I felt him caress my arms with such gentleness. With one last kiss on my lips, he released in such a slow, dramatic matter that I thought he intended it to look that way. He gazed into my eyes, his hands on both my sides, supporting his weight as he looked down on me. His knee rested in between my legs, my hands on his back.

"You're the only one who makes me feel this way. Don’t you know that?" He whispered into my ear as he placed a kiss on my forehead. I felt my heart thump loudly. As all the befuddling thoughts swirled around my head, I found my voice to reply to him.

"I only dreamt of making you feel this way." I stated as he smiled warmly and plopped himself beside me. Only then did I ever feel comfortable, lying by his side as a multitude of befuddling thoughts crowded my mind.

But right now, I wasn’t at all confused.

I was in the right state of mind for the first time in my life.

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Lavender and Parvati...unbeknownst to Hermione and Harry, hid behind the bushes and smiled contently. Their plan had succeeded. It wasn't actually easy for them to get the whole of Hogwarts to stage a hate act for Hermione. Plus, it wasn't at all easy to lead Harry to the dungeons, where he found Ginny with Dean Thomas (they planned that session themselves). And now, all they had to do was publish the Polaroid picture of the couple by the lake, and show it then to the entirety of the student body, leaving them to their own befuddled minds on what they had just accomplished.