Of Irony

Disclaimer: I'm not about to go and write a 700 page novel, that one's just not happening.

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Irony

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Summary: there I was, the girl who would willingly give him anything and everything, the one that was prepared to die for him, but ironically enough I couldn't fulfill the one thing that he ever requested of me.

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Part I

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I'm not particularly close to my family, but then again coming from a family like the Blacks, that choice is more than a bit logical. With all the trust issues instilled in me from growing up in an environment like the one in which I did there were few people that I've ever allowed myself to get close to, to really know me, but Sirius, my cousin, was always the exception to that, managing to bypass whatever walls I ever built up.

As cousins our talent was always how inordinately close we were, even as little kids were the best of mates who had this amazingly strong connection that few people ever experienced. As we grew up, while things around us changed and life happened, our relationship only strengthened—even managing to bypass the awkward “boys/girls are icky” phase that so many pre-teens seemed to go through. We lost so many people in our lives, became ostracized by our family, but ultimately that was okay with us, we were able to persevere regardless of it because we had one another and that was always enough for us. Throughout it all we always maintained this mentality in which we believed that as long as we were together we could take on anything, be whoever we wanted to and throughout it all nothing could ever get between us.

We were one year apart in out schooling, but we got through that, he even let me in with his group of friends “the marauders,” and in a way we created this new family to replace those that had left us, we were both able to find that solace that we so desperately needed, but we did it together, never leaving the other.

--

Our relationship was surreal, it was actually rather pathetic how perfect it was—we were always so in tune with one another that there never was room for arguments, just teasing and banter, but admittedly, should I have been another person, I would have been disgusted by how cute we were.

We understood one another so well that there never was a need for explaining our choices to the other or even asking for something of them, it wasn't necessary, not with us. In fourth year, however, he shocked me when he finally came to me and asked me something—the fact that he changed our pattern only a testament to how much it meant to him, how much he needed me to keep the promise.

He and Lily were sitting by the lake doing their homework and enjoying their last days of good weather as fall was coming to an end and winter was sure to come soon.

“Lils,” he said, interrupting the silent and comfortable atmosphere the two had built.

“Yeah?” she asked, never taking her eyes off of her parchment as she rushed to finish her transfiguration homework.

“I—I think we need to talk,” he stumbled.

Lily's eyebrows furrowed in confusion and she turned to look at him, “so I know what that means in regards to a romantic relationship, but given that we're cousins and I'm not all that into the idea of incest, I have to wonder if the rule still applies.”

Sirius smiled slightly, “no, it's not bad I just—I don't really know how to say it.”

“Well it's rather simple you open your mouth and talk. Not much to it really, we learn that talent at a rather young age,” she told him with a wink.

“You're a bitch, you know?”

“But you love me regardless so it's okay. Now go on, tell me, whatever it is you know I'm here for you.”

He took a deep breath, “so you're growing up-”

“Well as time goes on that is a rather unavoidable thing,” she quipped, enjoying the aggravation her interruption caused him.

“Shut up and let me finish Lils.”

“Fine, no need to be so pissy, I swear you're like a woman in a constant state of PMS right now.”

“Lils seriously, please just let me get this out before I lose the nerve to.”

She sobered up immediately once she saw how important it was to him, “okay.”

“I—you're in fourth year now, and well—since you started this year you've been dating a lot.”

She cocked her head to the side in confusion, “is that a problem or something, because I have to say that if it is, that'd be awfully hypocritical for you to comment upon it.”

“No, it's not that, hell you know me, carpe diem, seize the day, I think it's great that you're taking the dating world by storm—so long as there are no rumors about you being a slag I'm fine with it.”

“Okay, then what is it?”

“I need you to promise me something.”

Her eyebrows shot up in shock, they had never had to make requests of one another before, and as much as she hated to admit it she was scared about what it might imply in regards to where their relationship was going. Were they losing what they had had? “Whatever it is Sirius, I'll do it, I promise.”

“I—I love you Lils, you're my world, which is why I need you to promise that you won't ever date Remus or James.”

“Why?”

“Lily, just promise me, please.”

“Okay,” she nodded her head slowly, “I promise.”

--

I never really had feelings for Remus beyond anything platonic, but it was the charm behind James Potter that was always an undeniable one. I mean he's everything that a guy his age should be; extremely attractive, intelligent, witty, quidditch captain, and as is with all “perfect” guys, he's a total player. Luckily for me that was a saving factor, because of that even if I did have a flicker of attraction towards him I was always able to restrain myself from acting upon just because he'd break my heart, I could see that fact well enough.

I never had any doubts in regards to my promise to Sirius, it was something that we never mentioned again because he knew that it was me, and I was one of the few people that he could trust to never lie to him—to always protect him. And I did, I did all that I could for him because I knew that he wanted me to stay away from them because he couldn't stand to ever be put into the position where he had to choose between me and his friends should a brake up occur. He never told me that, but he didn't have to—with him and me words were never all that necessary, and he knew that.

--

“Wotcher Potter,” Lily whispered in his ear before sliding into the seat by him at the library where he was reading a book.

“Hey Black, what are you up to?” he asked her with a smile.

“Homework,” she answered with a groan. “But why are you here—I didn't think that you knew how to read, much less where this room was.”

“Very funny.”

“I'd like to think so,” she told him with a smile.

“so listen I've been here studying for my OWLs for the past hour and I think my brains about to explode, so how about you help a bloke out by saving him from this horrible world of studying?” he asked her with one of his infamous charming smiles.

“And why should I do that?” she asked him skeptically. “I do have studying to do you know. I didn't just come in here because I have a fetish for books and like to smell them.”

“Like I said, help a bloke out Lils. Come on, you know you want to; after all, I'm rather charming and fun to be with,” he said with a wink.

“Fine,” she sighed as she let him pull her up and lead her out the library.

“So where are we going?” she asked him.

“How does the boys' dormitory sound?”

“Like you're pushing your luck,” she smiled, well aware of the fact that he wasn't referring to what she was.

“Funny girl, but no, wouldn't do that to my best mates sister no matter how hot she may be.”

“Good to know, so why do you want too go there?”

“We can go on the roof.”

Lily stopped, rooted to the ground she didn't even budge when James tried to pull on her harder so she would follow, “are you crazy?!”

“What? What's wrong with the idea?”

“Oh I don't know maybe the possibility of falling off the roof and plunging to our deaths!”

“Oh don't be so dramatic Lily,” he rolled his eyes at her.

“Well maybe you should be a bit more dramatic, think for once James, it's not safe.”

“Lily, you're chaser for the quidditch team, all you do is get hit by bludgers nonstop and here you are complaining about how this might not be safe, please tell me that you see the hypocrisy in that statement.”

Lily opened her moth to answer, only to close it again, groaning in frustration. “I hate you!”

“So, should I take that as a yes then?”

“Fine,” she grudgingly allowed him to lead her to the astronomy tower.

Once the entered the room he led her to a window, “okay, so I'm going to climb up and then I'll tell you to come out at which point you just climb out the window and stand on the ledge, I'll pull you up from there.”

“Um, aren't you the slightest but worried that you won't be able to pull me up—and then, you know, I'll fall?”

“Well that was kind of the idea behind it,” he teased her.

“James!” Lily shrieked, slapping his arm.

“Lils, just trust me, I can do it, I promise, you'll be okay.”

Lily sighed before conceding, “Fine.”

“Okay, wait until I say to come out, no sooner.”

“Got it captain,” she told him with a mock salute.

He kept his promise, he did pull her up onto the roof, and much to Lily's surprise they didn't fall off and “plunge to their deaths.” Instead they lay on the roof just staring up at the sky, spending the day just talking to one another. It was the first time that Lily ever really spent any quality time with James without Sirius being there, it was also the moment at which she realized that she genuinely liked his company.

--

James was one of those friends that I never expected to make, while I may have always been close to the marauders James and I—we were more acquaintances than anything else, instead it was Remus with whom I had that stronger bond with out of the two. Somehow though that started to change and James slowly got past my defenses.

--

“So what are you up to?” a voice suddenly took her out of her trance.

“Staring,” she told him with a grin.

“I can see that.”

“Well you never can be too sure; I mean you do wear glasses.”

“How your words wound my heart Black you shall never know.”

“Ever the charmer.”

“You know it—but seriously, what's with you?”

“I don't know, I just—it's Regelus's birthday.”

“Yeah I know.”

“Sirius didn't want to celebrate it, or even acknowledge it, he hasn't since we left.”

James nodded, “I know.”

“I can't be like Sirius, I can't separate myself from them like that—when I look at him I still see that naïve, full of life kid that I adored,” she said with a sad smile.

“Well then let's go celebrate.”

Lily turned to him, eyes wide with shock, “what?!”

“It's not like we're going to throw him a party Black, let's just go to the kitchens and have some cake in honor of that boy that you once knew.”

She looked at him skeptically, “are you sure you want to do that?”

He merely smiled at her in response, extending his had to her.

--

James and I continued to get closer during my fourth year, so much so that I even opted to stay with him the summer before fifth rather than with my mate Jason, as I had done since the summer before third year when Sirius and I both left the Black house. Regardless of it all however, James and I were always just friends, I never deluded myself into thinking it could be more—I had my promise to Sirius and he was a notorious player, that relationship was just never written in the stars—as far as I was concerned it was as simple as that.

--

“Hello boys,” she greeted James and Remus once she finally found them sitting on a couch in the back of the common room where the victory party was taking place.

“Lily's here!” Remus cheered as he pulled her onto his lap, “now the party can really get started.”

“Judging by your breath I'd say that it already has,” she teased him.

“Yes, but he has been restraining himself for a full out binge drinking experience once you joined,” James assured her.

“Well that's awfully thoughtful of you Remus.”

“isn't it just?—oh, I see a rather attractive fifth year standing in the corner there, and a beautiful girl all on her lonesome, just will not do,” he announced before pushing Lily onto James's lap and heading off in the direction of Lily's dorm mate.

“He's awfully randy this evening isn't he?” Lily asked James as she slid off his lap and sat in Remus's empty seat.

“Not as much as your cousin,” James said as he pointed to Sirius was currently snogging some random girl in a corner.

“Did you really have to point that out to me, I swear my eyes burn! A person should never have to see their sibling doing that!”

he just smirked at her, “That's life love.”

“You're a total arse, you know that?”

“You love it,” he told her with an over exaggerated wink.

“I wouldn't count on it.”

“Well then I'll just have to step it up a notch, won't I?” James asked as he pulled her up and onto the dance floor.

“James! What are you doing?”

“Securing my place in your heart love,” he told her with a smile, that try as she might, she couldn't help but feel weak at the knees when seeing it.

“You already have a permanent place in it,” she told him quietly.

He looked at her in surprise, smiling slightly at the words, “really?”

“Yeah, you're one of my best friends—I always thought that you'd be just Sirius's, but—I don't know, it changed.”

“Same here Lils, same here.”

“Good, I'd hate to hear that my feelings aren't reciprocated,” she told him.

He laughed at her, “Now I see why all the guys seem to fall at your feet Black.”

She looked at him in confusion, “what do you mean?”

“Every guy I meet seems to be asking me to introduce you to them, and I guess—I see why, I see the appeal. I mean not only did you just help us win one of the biggest matches we've ever had against Slytherine, but you're smart, witty, and attractive.”

“Um thank you—I think.”

“Just take the compliment Black.”

She laughed, “Okay Potter, I will.”

“So…”

“Yeah James?”

“Aren't you going to say anything about me?”

“Don't ruin a good moment with your ego Potter,” was her only response.

--

I made a mistake, I fell for him. I let myself be the love struck girl that was attracted to the school's “golden boy,” I let myself fall prey to a guy that wasn't even remotely interested—if anything he thought of me as a sister, and I really doubted how appealing he would find the idea of incest.

Yet it wasn't even that that killed me, it was that I was breaking my promise to Sirius. In his life he had been disappointed by our family so many times and I had always foolishly prided myself on being the one exception, but then there I was, the girl who would willingly give him everything and anything, even die for him, but ironically enough, I couldn't fulfill the one request that he ever made of me.

I was weak.

--

“Hey, you okay?” James asked her as he took a seat on the grass by a shaking Lily, pulling her into his arms.

“I just—I can't believe that that's my cousin, what happened to him James? He was never like that before,” she said as she buried her face into his chest, allowing him to hold her.

“It's not him Lils, it's the people that he grew up with, you know what they're like—he doesn't mean it.”

“no he does, Regelus meant every word that he said to me back there—he's not the same person anymore, and there's no changing that, is there?” she asked as she slowly pulled back from him.

James reached for her face, wiping away the stray tears that she had missed, “no, I suppose not.”

She nodded her head slowly, “I wish I did more—I feel like I sealed his fate by leaving him. I mean who knows, maybe had I stayed I could have been there for him, helped point him in the right direction. I just—I feel like I killed the sweet kid that was once inside him,” she admitted, slightly tearing at the thought.

“In life there's no time for regrets Lils, don't waste your years crying over spilt milk.”

“We all know that we shouldn't, but we do anyway, don't we?” she asked him, smiling slightly at the thought.

James paused at her words, “yeah I guess we do—we don't realize it, but we do.”

“so then I guess you were being a bit hypocritical back there when you told me that, weren't you?” she asked, laughing slightly, all the while desperately trying to deviate form the topic that was really bothering her.

“Not anymore,” he whispered slightly, as he neared his face to hers.

Lily's eyes quickly widened in shock, “wait, Ja-” but he silenced her when his lips came crashing onto hers. She responded to the surprise of both, she responded with more fervor than she ever knew she was capable of. It wasn't sweet or romantic, but pure passion, a final release for all the built up sexual tension.

A voice interrupted them, causing them to quickly separate in the shock of the presence.” I came here because I heard what happened, but obviously you already have someone here to console you,” Sirius said before walking away, ignoring both of their calls.

--

It was one of those moments where I had felt like time had stopped for me and no matter how much I wanted to deny it, I knew that I had lost him forever. There was no salvaging it no matter how much I wanted to delude myself otherwise.

--

“Sirius!” she ran down the halls after him. “Sirius, stop and just listen to me, please!”

At that final word he stopped and turned around to face her, the picture of fury, “how could you?” he asked her in a low, guttural voice.

“I—I didn't mean for it to happen it was a mistake.”

“You don't just do that by accident Lily. You don't just fall onto one another's lips, it's not possible so don't you dare try to lie to me!”

“I didn't—it didn't mean anything Sirius-”

“So now you betray me like that for something that doesn't even mean anything to you, that's just great. Really assures me of how much I mean to you Lils.”

“No-”

“Don't, don't you dare try to explain. You promised me Lils, you said that you wouldn't.” he turned and slammed his fist into a wall as a release for his aggravation. “”I may never have said why I needed you to do that for me, but you knew Lils—you knew. I thought I could trust you Lily, but in the end you're just like the rest of them aren't you?”

“No, I'm not-”

“Yeah,” he chuckled bitterly. “I guess you're right, you're not like them, you're worse. You're the biggest disappointment of all,” he spat at her before walking away.

--

I let him walk away from me that night because he was right, I didn't deserve him. I had betrayed him in the worst way possible; I had deceived him with false promises just as they had done to us so many times. Words like “it was a mistake” or “I didn't mean to” just wouldn't suffice. I had pushed away the one good thing that I had ever had and it was time for me to be a better person for once and accept that fact.

--

James walked down the corridor only to find Lily sitting on the floor shaking uncontrollably, the tear unable to come. He ran to her, taking her in his arms, but as soon as he did she pushed him away. “no James, don't—we can't.”

“Lily I just want to help.”

She smiled at him sadly, “thanks James, but right about now you should go find Sirius and explain to him that it was nothing if you want any chance at salvaging your friendship—I assured him once that I wouldn't ruin that for you two, let me at least keep that part of my promise to him.”

“No.”

“James please,” she desperately begged him.

“I'm not going to lie to him and say that it meant nothing when it did, Lily-”

“Don't James,” she interrupted him. “Don't, just—just go up there and be with him, he needs you.”

“But Lily I—I think I love you.”

Her eyes widened in shock at hearing his confession, but regardless of what she wanted she knew what she had to do. “Listen to me James, what happened back there was a mistake-”

“But it wasn't Lily, you want it too, I know you do.”

She ignored him, opting for a façade of indifference, “I'm just the only girl you ever really got to know James, that's all, just let it go.”

“I don't want to—I won't,” he protested.

“It doesn't matter what we want anymore, just go upstairs, support Sirius he—he really needs his brother right now,” she told him before running away from him, silently thanking God that there were only two more days left in the school year.

--

Author's note: in honor of my recently completed fic (I Know That You Sleep With My Boyfriend) I finally got up the nerve to actually post this fic (one that I've had on my computer for far too long)

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed and please drop a review

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Part II

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Avoiding them for the last two days of school wasn't all that difficult, especially given that they were staying away from me as well. I knew Sirius, and the last thing he needed was for me to pester him about it, he just needed space and I the least I could do was to give him that after what I had done. I could apologize later, but I knew that what he wanted most was some time to rationalize things, so all I could do was watch from a distance and hope that James was helping him through it all—pray that James could be the key to salvaging g our relationship, and the irony behind that anticipation didn't escape me.

--

“Lils,” she heard Jason call her, breaking her form her reverie.

“Yeah Jase?” she asked, never taking her eyes off the window, watching the trees fly by as the Hogwarts Express passed them as if it were the most fascinating thing she had ever come across.

“Someone's here to see you.”

Those words got her attention, and as she turned she prayed that it wasn't who she thought it was, but it was the moment that she saw him that she decided that God could really be a bitch at times.

“So listen, I'll just go get some sweets form the trolley since she always runs out of chocolate frogs before getting here, so I'll be back in five minutes, that should be enough time for you two,” Jason said, more so to himself then them as Lily and James weren't even paying any attention to him, as he exited the compartment.

“What are you doing here James?”

He winced at her words and how she came off as so hostile, “I needed to see you.”

“James,” she sighed tiredly, “you shouldn't have done that.”

He sighed, “I figured you'd say something along those lines, but I need to Lils, I—I miss you.”

“James you don't belong here, you never have, you should be with Sirius.”

“But so should you.”

She sighed tiredly, “I made a mess of things, for now what he needs most is for me to just stay away.”

“He misses you, I can tell,” James insisted.

She smiled sadly, “That doesn't mean he wants me there.”

James sighed, taking a seat on the couch by her, “when did things get so complicated.”

She shrugged, “when you and I started getting a bit too creative with our imaginations.”

“What do you mean?”

“Look at us James, you're a notorious player and I'm your best mate's cousin—that one was just never written in the stars.”

“You're full of it Black, you know that?”

She smiled slightly, “maybe a little.”

“I've never felt this way about anyone Lils and I didn't like it at first, it scared me shitless, but I don't care anymore, I just—I want you,” he told her weakly.

She smiled at him, “come on James, we're young, it's not like we're about to find the love our lives at this age. It's just a passing fancy.”

“Do you honestly believe that?”

She paused, unsure as to what to say in response to that before finally answering him, “yes.”

She lied.

They both sat in a comfortable silence, until James finally broke it. “I did it for you, you know. Generally speaking, I would never have gone to him like that, lied to him that it meant nothing to me, but you asked me to, so I did it.”

“James don't go all heroic on me, you and I both know that you can't live without him, you would never let a girl get between you two, that'd just be idiotic.”

“You're right, Sirius does mean the world to me, but I would have taken the risk—I know he wouldn't like the two of us together, but it's not like he ever made some sort of a rule against it. He would have forgiven us.”

She shook her head, “no, he wouldn't.”

“And what makes you so sure?” he asked her doubtfully.

“Because one of us did promise James,” she told him before walking out the room, trying to hide the tears forming in her eyes.

--

I spent the rest of that day at Jason's eating an obscene among of food in a desperate attempt to cure my heartbreak over both my cousin and the guy that I came to realize that I had fallen in love with. I was pathetic, and sadly that was a fact that Jason was all too willing to point out to me.

--

“You're pathetic,” he told her as he looked at her with distaste.

“Gee thanks—oh and please do note the sarcasm in that statement.”

“Lily he will forgive you. He loves you too much not to.”

“I betrayed him—out of all people I'm the one that he least expected to ever let him down, especially like this,” she cried as she stuffed another falafel into her mouth.

“Give me that,” he said as he wrenched the food away from her. “Oh stop whining, I'm doing you a favor by taking this, you're going to get fat and then not only with your cousin not want you, but James won't either.”

“You're a little bitch you know that?”

“You wouldn't have me any other way,” he told her with a smug smile.

“Shut up.”

He smirked at her, well aware of the fact that that was her stubborn way of admitting to it. “You need to let it out Lils, just write him a letter-”

“I can't,” she interrupted him.

“Yes you can.”

“No,” she tiredly shook her head. “I can't take the rejection again, the disappointment—I just I need to give him his space.”

“At least get it all out on paper Lils, and then—well then you can send it to him whenever you're ready.”

“I-”

“No, no excuses, just do it Lils, stop being the hopeless girl because you never played that role very well. You're stronger than this Lils, you're one of the strongest people I know, prove it now, it's not hat difficult, just get it out on paper and then get on with your life.”

“Okay, you're right, I will.”

--

I wrote the letter, but I never sent it. That was one of my greatest regrets later in life, but at that time I just wasn't prepared for it. I had taken so much rejection in my life, be it from my family for my life's choices or from people that automatically classified me as the typical Black cliché when learning my last name, but Sirius, he was the person that mattered most to me and that possible rebuff was one that scared the hell out of me. So ultimately, I gave him his time and space away from me and waiting until he approached me, telling myself that it was the right—easiest thing to do.

I was wrong.

--

“He ignored me… they all did,” she cried as Jason held her tightly.

“Come on love, Sirius will move on, just give it some time. As for James—well you ignored the bloke all summer even thought he wrote you five letters, you never responded to a single one, can't blame the guy for feeling a bit resentful, can you?”

“I know, I—I just wasn't prepared for them to ignore me as if I didn't exist—I can take hate, I can understand that, but indifference?”

“Lils, what do you want me to say? I think he's an arse for putting you through this, but you, you're the one that's letting him do this to you.”

“I can't take the rejection; I'm not strong enough for that—not from him.”

Jason sighed before grabbing her and pulling her up, “come on, let's go get you some food and I'll help you wallow a bit.”

“I thought you said you wouldn't have anymore of that.”

“You haven't don't it since the beginning of the summer, that was two months ago, I figure I can be accommodating and make an exception this time, “ he told her with a small smile.

--

I think that the worst part about it all were the knowing smirks I received from the rest of the family; they were more than happy to show that they reveled in this split between Sirius and me. I didn't care about anyone else, what they thought, or even if they did know—but the reactions that I got from my “family” killed me because, try as I might to ignore it, it made me feel like they were better than me. There they were bonded to one another, supporting each other, however malicious the intentions that acted as a catalyst for that support. At least they had someone, but me—I was alone.

--

“So the rumor mill's been abuzz lately,” Jason told her as the two sat in potions ignoring Slughorne as he discussed their latest assignment.

“Oh really? What is it now?”

“You.”

“Fuck.”

“Yeah, seems that the Hogwarts population isn't as dense as we'd once assumed.”

“No, they are, their obsession with the marauders just happens to trump that.”

“That would make sense,” he agreed with a smile.

“So what are they saying?”

“Well they just noticed that they have been avoiding you like the plague-”

“Only took them a month to realize this one?”

“Well Gryffindors were never known for their intelligence,” Jason reasoned. “And you know the other houses, if they did notice they probably just assumed since no one from your house mentioned it then they just had it wrong.”

“While I'm incredibly offended by your Gryffindor comment I do have to admit that it's kind of sad that I'm part of a house that didn't notice this for such a long time—especially considering that it's about a group of guys that they idolize.”

“Whatever, nothing you can do about it except cry about not having been placed in Ravenclaw or Slytherine, like me, so you could have some decent company.”

Lily laughed, “Yes because a house full of my cousins would be really fun.”

“I'm there, how bad can it be with my stunning personality.”

She rolled her eyes, “just get on with the story before your ego suffocates me.”

“So the theory is that you shagged Remus and James, but Sirius found out so he thinks you're a slag and won't talk to you.”

“That's a retarded story.”

“The best part is Remus and James's reason for not talking to you; apparently they got an STI from you.”

Lily sighed, “So I take it that someone from your house came up with this story.”

“Well the shagging part was courtesy of that Hufflepuff bitch with the huge—you know, eyes.”

“Jenna Metcalf?”

“Yep.”

“So who came up with the STI part?”

“Well you see it was just a joke, it wasn't supposed to be taken so seriously.”

Lily's eyes widened, “Jason how could you?”

“I was just joking around with Henry when he told me about the rumor/ I was just saying something like `next you know they'll say blah, blah, blah,' but a Ravenclaw was passing by and I guess she knew you and I are mates so she must have believed me and it's been spreading like wildfire since. I'm sorry.”

“You're an idiot, you know that?”

“Yeah,” he sighed.

--

I think that my greatest regret was never really appreciating what I had in Jason, I never saw until too late how good of a mate he was to me—I never realized that he was my James and Remus, I thought that I could never get that as Sirius had, but I did. I may have come to the realization later on later in life, and made him aware of how much he meant to me, but what kills me is to think of all the times that I didn't value it as much as I should have, he deserved a far better mate than me, but he never left me regardless.

I saw myself as alone and it killed me, but I can only imagine how much it killed Jason to see that I never really saw him and how much he did for me. At that point in my life I never really saw that I did have family with me and that that was the link that was keeping me alive, it had nothing to do with my “strength,” but with the power of his love for me.

--

“I'm trying Lils I really am, but I can't just keep on going on like this, pretending that I don't see you looking at them longingly every time you're with me. It just—it makes me feel so worthless, I feel like total shit for thinking this, it's horrible to say, but I can't help it. I'm jealous, I'm so fucking jealous of the fact that I don't mean as much to you as they do.”

She could tell that he was on the verge of tears, for the first time her strong and fun loving Slytherine friend, was anything but. She watched him walk away from her, but she couldn't will herself to do anything about it, she couldn't force herself to tell him to stop, tell him how much he really did mean to her.

--

In many respects I'm one of the strongest people that you'll ever meet. Physically I can take whatever you throw at me, withstand whatever pain necessary. If it's a question of intellect, well let's just say that while I do love to party, staying at the library for hours on end to read was never much of a chore either. But it must be said that I have my faults too, my heart brakes easily, always has and, while I pray that it won't, it probably always will.

I can't take rejection, not from ones that I love, that's my greatest fear and as many excuses I may give for why I didn't talk to Sirius in the end it's as simple as that, I'm too scared, I'm praying that if I give him space he'll be more lenient on me when we do finally confront one another.

I'm a coward.

But it's just… it's easier to lie to ourselves than to face the things that scare us most, it's pathetic, but it's the truth, one that I've always been subconsciously aware of.

--

“What do you want Lily?” he asked her tiredly after she showed up in front of the Slytherine common room.

“It's more of a question of what I need,” she told him with a weak smile.

“What the hell are you on about now Lily? I really don't have the energy for any of your riddles right about now.”

“I'm sorry.”

He paused, “you can't just go and say that now, not when I need to be mad at you.”

“Please Jason, you need to understand that I love you… and I'm sorry that I don't see you a lot of the time, but—but I just miss my cousin and that sometimes blinds me.”

“I know that Lils, but why am I never enough?”

She didn't respond to that one.

Jason sighed, running a hand through his hair in his aggravation, “I forgive you, okay? I really do.”

Lily looked up at him, smiling slightly as the tears rolled down her face, “how can you forgive me though? I mean, I don't deserve it.”

His face softened, he took her face in his hand, slowly wiping away the tears, “because I know that even if you do all this even though you may never say how much, you do love me.” He paused, letting out a deep sigh, “I know that even though you may lead me to doubt it, you really can't go on without me, just like I can't without you. You're my best mate and I love you… I can't leave you, you've got me hooked Black,” he told her with a small smile.

She smiled, pulling him into a strong hug as she whispered in his ear, “you deserve better.”

“I'm willing to make an exception for you.”

--

He was my support and I adored him for it, he knew all of the things that I was too weak and too scared to ever say. In many ways he knew me like no one else did because while Sirius knew me, was able to interpret my actions beforehand and all that, Jason was the one that accepted them and truly understood them.

--

“Lils?” she heard Jason call out as she sat in the astronomy tower watching the sun set.

“Yeah?” she asked, never turning from the view.

“I think there's someone that needs to talk to you.”

Those words got her attention and she turned around so quickly that she almost toppled over, “James.”

“Hey Lils,” he waved shyly as Jason nudged him slightly, pushing him further into the room.

Jason clapped his hands, albeit a bit gaily, “so I think my work there's done, you two can handle the rest on your own, right?—Right. Good, I'll be leaving now.”

“Hi,” Lily said, once Jason had left the room.

James smiled at her, “so I've kind of been avoiding you recently-”

“Yeah, two months now since the school year began.”

He winced, “I'm sorry for being such an arse Lily, I just—I didn't know how to react after everything that happened. I mean you didn't respond to any of my letters and I didn't know what to think and I guess—I guess I just thought it'd be easier to ignore you.”

“Oh.”

He lifted her chin with his index finger, forcing her to look him in the eyes, “it didn't work,” he whispered. “I just—it only made me realize how much you meant to me, how much I needed you in my life. I'm in love with you Black.”

She smiled slightly before her expression was marred by a frown, “don't do this to yourself James, just move on. You're a good guy, you deserve better than me.”

He scoffed, “then how come you're the one that's rejecting me?”

“I'm not rejecting you, trust me, I'm not.”

“Then what is it Lily?” he asked, obviously exasperated.

“I promised Sirius… I told him that I would never let myself get in between you three by dating one of you—and I mean I already screwed him over on that one, but I may as well learn from my mistakes and try to keep my word this time around. Ii don't want to further damage something that's already so broken.”

“There's nothing I can do to convince you?”

“I need him in my life, both of you; at least… you know, this way we can be friends.”

James nodded slowly, his eyes focused on the ground, “good luck with him Lils, I hope he realizes-”

“Yeah,” she said, quickly unde4rstanding what he saying. “Me too.”

“I should go… but um, you should sit with us, you know, try to make amends, I think Sirius would be willing, he misses you a lot.”

“I'll think about it, thanks.”

“No problem, night Lils.”

--

I cried myself to sleep that night. I've only done that on a few rare occasions and that was the first time over a boy. I didn't want to hurt him, I wanted to be with him, but he and I, we couldn't exist without Sirius, we needed him far too much for anything between us to ever work out. Without Sirius there was no Lily or James, he made us who we were in so many ways, and I tried to console myself with that fact, telling myself that at least I'd still have James in my life, even if it was just as a mate.

It didn't work, I still felt like shit.

--

He found her sitting in the astronomy tower watching the sunset, one of her favorite past times. She had always said how it gave her hope that the day, no matter how shotty it may have been, could end so gracefully, so beautifully. It gave her hope for the future.

He missed her telling him things like that because, in reality, she was his sunset, she was his hope.

He took a seat next to her, but to his surprise she didn't even notice his presence, “hey Lils.”

Her head snapped up, turning in his direction, “Sirius.”

He smiled weakly in response, unsure as to what he should do.

“What are you doing here?” she asked him softly.

“I need to talk to you,” he told her, that time though, he want even really looking at her, but at the sunset. It was easier to talk to her without looking at her; the feeling of guilt wasn't nearly as strong then.

“About what?”

“You and James.”

“Nothing's-”

“I know.”

“How?” she asked, thoroughly confused by the statement.

“I was there last night.”

“But-”

“I was using the Marauders' map to find James since it was a full moon and Moony would be needing us soon.”

“Oh… so, um, you heard all of it?”

“Yeah,” he said, slowly nodding.

“Oh.”

There was an awkward silence as the two quietly sat on the floor, just watching the sunset. “Do you love him Lily?”

She paused, and he began to question whether or not she was even going to answer. “Yeah,” she admitted quietly, shyly, embarrassedly.

He nodded, pausing before finally turning to look at her with a small smile, “you realize you feel for the classic golden boy, right?”

She laughed, “Don't remind me, I hate myself for that cliché.”

He grinned, “I missed you.”

“Same here Siri,” she told him as she let him pull her in for a hug.

He held her tightly as he whispered in her ear, “Go for it.”

She pulled back, eyes widened, “Sirius, no—I mean after everything-”

“After everything I've learned that I'm a stubborn git, sometimes you just can't stop some things from happening and I'm just going to have to learn to accept that already. Go for it Lils, he obviously loves you… I didn't want to see it before, but last night kind of—it just forced me to see it. I know you tried to stop it Lils and I guess in the end that's all that matters. In the end all I want is for you to be happy and if he can do that for you then go for it, you deserve that and so much more love.”

“Thank you.”

“I should be the one saying that, after what I said…” he winced.

“We both screwed up, how about just calling it a truce?”

“I like that idea, now how about in celebration of that truce you go and talk to James.”

She smiled, “I like that idea.”

“Good, now go.”

--

I never pictured myself as the type of person for whom everything would eventually fall into place. While I was never a pessimist or anything I never thought that you could really have your cake and eat it too. As I raced to James I was sure that I'd mess everything up in some way or another, I was positive that he would have gotten over me because that's just my luck.

I never thought that Sirius and Jason could be right when they told me that I deserved my happily ever after.

--

“What are you doing here?” he asked her when he opened the portrait door to the Heads' common room.

“Can I come in?” she asked him shyly, almost timidly.

He let out a sigh, not bothering with a response, but rather just further opening the door for her.

“Thanks,” she meekly said as she entered the room for the first time. “This is a really nice place, almost makes the Heads' work load worth it.”

“Lily what are you doing here?” he bluntly asked her.

“I—I—well you see,” she stumbled for words, finally letting out and aggravated sigh before grabbing the collar of his shirt to pull him down so she could kiss him.

He responded for a minute before regaining consciousness and pulling away from her. “Lily,” he said hoarsely, “don't— don't do this to me. I'm randy, just like every other bloke on earth,” he told her with a forced smile. “Don't do this if it's something you're going to regret… or make me regret.”

“What if I promise not to?” she asked him, biting her lip as she nervously smiled up at him.

He sighed, clearly doubting her words, “What about Sirius?”

“Seems he was there last night, heard it all…”

“Oh, so he says that it's okay?”

She nodded shyly, “yeah.”

James rolled his eyes, reluctantly smiling as he pulled her to him, “at least he can do something right.”

--

Author's note: I hope that you enjoyed this fic and feel free to drop and critiques you may have ad in regards to it (good or bad)

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