For Her Love

ItsLily2U

Rating: PG13
Genres: Angst, Romance
Relationships: Lily & James
Book: Lily & James, Books 1 - 7
Published: 18/01/2008
Last Updated: 08/02/2008
Status: in_progress

She wasn’t really his Lily anymore… Oh, he could argue with himself over that one all day. But at the end of the day, she was always the one he’d wanted. She was always the one he’d thought about, the one he’d longed for. He’d not even dated since her, for fear he would forget what her love felt like... So, in a sense, she had always been and always would be, his Lily.

Chapters

1. This Time Around

2. It Was you Once

1. This Time Around

The Difference

Chapter One: This Time

By: Itslily2u

Disclaimer: I’ll just say that Rowling would probably not call herself Lily, as I do. J

&&

Lily Evans sighed, and let her eyes roll about her apartment, scrunching her nose for effect. She walked over took the jacket she wore yesterday from an armchair, and the shoes out from under the coffee table; she straightened the pillows and draped the blanket back over the back of the sofa; she took the remotes from the floor (where, presumably, they’d managed they’re way to when she’d fallen asleep on the sofa) and set them neatly on the table.

At least it looked neater.

Not that she ever had company, other than her friends…

And they were usually the ones to trash it.

This thought made Lily smile as she wandered into the kitchen. She slid into one of the chairs and rested her chin on her hand. Yes, her friends… they were the ones that helped her keep her sanity, somehow.

Which was quite ironic, really, when you looked at any of them closely. Lily could be considered the only sane one of the lot-- but they were her mates… And she knew she just might die without them.

Lily bit her lip, sighing again. Just thinking of her friends made her wish she had one with her. But she couldn’t wish that all the time, it was selfish. She couldn’t expect them to always be at her side when she felt lonely.

She jumped when the phone rang. Her heart leapt; it was her mum! She always called on Sundays… she had ever since Lily had moved out. She was just worried about her baby girl.

Lily ran to the phone as it rang its second ring; she hadn’t heard from her mum in so long! Had she even called last Sunday? Sunday afternoons were theirs for talking.

“Hello?” She nearly knocked it over in her haste. “Mum? Oh, mum… I’m so glad you called! I thought you never would… Mum? Mum? Oh, please be you… Mum!” Oh, dear… the tears were back. “Aren’t you there, Mum? I need someone…” And now, there was no stopping them.

When no one answered, Lily dropped the phone, cringing as it hit the wall.

It didn’t even occur to her that someone else had really been on the line.

*

Lily waited patiently in her seat, drumming her fingers on the table (an old habit), looking around the pub. She liked to watch people; she’d always been an observer.

She could see someone… or something? hidden under a black veil at the bar. It was sipping something gingerly, and Tom, the barman was shooting him cautious glances. Lily liked people like this. Well. She liked watching people like this. Once, she’d been confronted by a rather scary-looking witch in Diagon Alley (yes, she was edging a little close to Knockturn Alley, at someone’s bidding…), and ever since, she’d preferred to never mix with the sorts. She’d rather watch.

She was still watching the veiled-creature when someone approached her table. “Lily!”

She jumped, thinking she’d been caught by another creep.

“Oh,” she said in relief, “Hello, Marie.” She snuck another glance at the bar as her friend slid into the seat next to her. “Do you think that veiled thing can see… behind…” she trailed off, as the thing turned.

She gulped; Marie giggled.

But it flipped a galleon on the bar (with gloved hands) and exited in a… somewhat air-like manner. Lily could have sworn it floated.

“You’re so… superstitious.”

“I’m a witch,” Lily deadpanned, sipping her drink.

Tom appeared now, setting Marie’s drink on the table. “Eating today, ladies?”

Even if he did have a hunchback and an odd smile, Lily liked him. “Ye-”

“We‘re waiting on someone.” Marie smiled.

Lily blinked. “We are?”

“Of course.” She used her straw to swirl her drink. But after a moment, she put it down. “So, how are you, Lily? And I mean, really, how are you?”

Again, Lily blinked. “I… I’m fine.”

Marie sighed in resignation and watched Lily through narrowed eyes. It really hurt to see her best friend in so much pain. She wasn’t sure if Lily had truly covered up the memory in her mind--which was possible--or if she was just acting the I’m-okay-for-the-sake-of-everyone part. Either way, it was killing her, and she had to help. She opened her mouth to say something else, but was distracted as the door to the pub opened again. She smiled.

Lily had a far-off look in her eyes, and was staring at her drink, tipping it to one side, then another. She didn’t even notice the two young wizards approaching their table.

Marie looked up at two of their oldest friends and smiled sadly.

The two stopped as their neared the table; they looked at Lily cautiously, then at Marie.

Sirius Black took his chair first. He raised his eyebrows at Marie when Lily didn’t even notice their arrival. Remus Lupin claimed the chair next to him, biting his lip thoughtfully. He looked sadly between Lily and Marie, and then shared a look with Sirius.

Suddenly, Sirius grinned and reached over to Lily. He put his hand on hers, squeezing lightly. “Hey, Gorgeous. Miss me?” He winked.

Lily smiled now, looking up. “Naturally.” Her eyes didn’t sparkle like they used to. “Hello, Remmy.” She smiled fondly at Remus. “So, tell me, what kind of trouble have you been in lately?”

“Me? Why, trouble is--”

“Your middle name.” Lily grinned, finishing his sentence. Back in Hogwarts, it had been his punch line.

Sirius chuckled. “Oh, hello, Tom.” he said as he noticed the barman delivering their drinks. “Why, you’d think we all come here often, you know our drinks!”

Tom laughed. “Lucky guesses, don‘t you know?”

“We’re still waiting on one more person…” Marie said absently, and, as if on cue, the door opened once more and James Potter tumbled through.

“Drat!” he muttered. “Those bloody…damn” He glanced up and spotted his friends and Tom watching him with curious smiles. He grinned and headed over to the table, brushing off his robes.

He nodded to Sirius and Remus, and turned to the girls. “Lily… Marie, haven’t seen you in ages, how are you?” James asked, pulling up a chair.

But his eyes were on Lily, who watched him back.

“Oh, I’m wonderful! I got promoted…”

While Marie talked excitedly about her job, James watched Lily carefully. Her eyes were on Marie, now that she was talking, but James knew she was not really listening. She’d probably heard about the promotion, that’s all.

“Well, Moody is making sure that none of his little pests get anywhere in the world. Merlin, he’s a… a…” Sirius blinked, searching for the word.

Remus snorted. “Our boss? Thus he fits the description.”

Lily smiled. “I have Kingsley Shacklebolt.” she spoke for the first time since James’s arrival. “He’s really tall… And sometimes, I‘m not sure if he‘s joking around or not. But I couldn’t have asked for anyone better.”

“Well, you’re lucky then.”

“So how are you, then, Lily?” James asked gently, leaning forward in his chair. “I don’t really get to see you much anymore, now that we’ve completed the initial training.”

“I’m doing just fine.” she replied, and anyone who didn’t know her would have believed her façade.

Unfortunately for her, every one of the people at the table were her friends… and they did know her. They were practically all she had left.

Lily smiled at all their disbelieving expressions, though they all covered them up quickly.

This time, however, it was a real smile.

2. It Was you Once

For Her Love

By Itslil2u

Chapter Two: It was You Once

“So. What you’re saying is that she… has forgotten it?”

Marie swallowed. “Yes. Well. Sort of.”

“She couldn’t have… obliviated herself, could she?”

“Erm… I don’t think she would. I mean, yes, it hurts, and she doesn’t know what to do, but she’s still Lily. She stowed it away in the back of her mind. One of those things she doesn’t want to deal with, so she forgets it… She won’t let herself…” Marie trailed off, confused. “I don’t know!” She cried, throwing herself onto the couch.

Sirius sighed and joined her. “You’re right. Lily is Lily. So she just needs a way to realize what happened… And yeah, it’ll be hard and it’ll hurt. But how else will she remember?”

James shifted uncomfortably. “I think it’s more of a matter… where she thinks her mum is gone. Like, she thinks she left her.” He bit his lip. He wasn’t about to admit he’d called Lily a few days back. Her reaction on Sunday evening was something he knew she wouldn’t want shared with anyone else. “She didn’t forget everything, just the parts she wanted to.”

“Like their death?” Sirius said softly. He leaned his head back wearily.

“She went to their funeral, did she not?” Remus spoke up for the first time.

“Well… in a sense.” Marie was near tears. “But she wasn’t there. Not really. Oh, her eyes…” She heaved a deep breath to try and stop the tears. “I’ve never seen her like this.” She paused. “Well… quite like this.”

Again, James shifted in his seat. Marie’s eyes flicked to him; he closed his eyes. He didn’t want to talk about that. It hurt to much. It was the past… He couldn’t undo it.

“And it doesn’t help that she hasn’t heard from… him since before.” Her friends never used his name.

They detested him that much.

Sirius scowled. “What’s the bloody dolt thinking? Isn’t he supposed to be there, comforting her?”

Remus sighed. “Lily must hurt so bad.” He wished she were here, right now, just so he could hug her. She’d always been very affectionate, more so with her friends than with her boyfriends, who they all had doubts about at some point. Especially her present one. “Of course, he was a Slytherin at Hogwarts.”

James yelped. “Are you kidding me?! He was a… a Slytherin!”

“He’s really not so bad,” Marie tried.

“Hmm.” Sirius frowned. “That’s why he’s been around, helping her get over this.

Marie shrugged. “Well, I mean, he wasn‘t so bad, before the whole… mysteriously disappear at the worst moment possible…thing. But in his defense, Lily likes him.”

“You remember when she was best friends with Snape, eh?” Remus muttered. “And that didn’t turn out so well. Bastard.”

“Slytherins are scum s’all.” Sirius said darkly, staring at his hands.

James shuddered. His Lily with a Slytherin! He turned away from everyone. That thought disgusted him.

But no… she wasn’t even his Lily anymore. She hadn’t been in quite a while. She was best-friend-Lily, now. She was friend-zone Lily. She was incredibly-gorgeous-and-perfect-yet-sad-and-lonely Lily.

Thanks to him.

“I’m going to go see her. Maybe she’ll… want to…erm…” Marie blinked, trying to think of any excuse to see her friend.

“Cry with you?” Sirius supplied.

Marie laughed, despite how horrible she felt. Sirius, always the blunt one…

And yet, she didn’t really even care. It may have been Lily that lost someone, but they all needed each other right now. No one in the room, with the exception of Marie, had known Mr. and Mrs. Evans well, but they all felt like they’d lost someone they loved. They’d all seen the Evans’, and had met them on the platform. They’d been a nice couple, polite and ever eager to meet more of Lily’s magical friends.

*

James sighed, running his hand through his hair. Oh, it had been a long day. Er… a long month. Yes, a long month. He just wished there was some way to help Lily.

He wanted to help his Lily.

Even if she wasn’t really his Lily anymore…Oh, he could argue with himself over that one all day.

But at the end of the day, she was always the one he’d wanted. She was always the one he’d thought about, the one he’d longed for. He’d not even dated since her, for fear he would forget what her love felt like. That, and he simply had no desire for anyone else in the least. No one was pretty after Lily, no one was special.

His love for Lily Evans was still every bit as strong today as it was a little over one year ago, when he’d broken things off with her. Oh, he was such an idiot for doing it… He knew he’d done it for good reasons; he had to keep reminding himself of that, in fact.

But it didn’t matter how he looked at it. He was still in love with her. And he still wanted her back.

Whether she felt the same after what he did was questionable. He’d broken up with her for some stupid, unexplainable reason… Then wanted to be friends. Hah. Like she would ever consider doing it again.

James jumped to his feet and ran to the bookcase. He ran his hands over the titles, searching for one in particular. Finally, he found it. Pulling it out with all the ardor he had in him, he looked at it lovingly.

It was the gift Lily had given to him for graduation…

They day before he’d broken up with her.

Yes, she’d made him a bloody book. She’d written their story, all the way back from first year, when she’d met the boy, and he’d loved the girl… to fifth year, when she hated the boy, and he doted upon the girl… to seventh year, when the two only had eyes for each other. It had pictures, and things likes tickets from shows and concerts they’d gone to. It had love, it had… everything.

He’d spent the entire evening in his room, after graduation, reading and thinking… Knowing he had to do it.

And he had.

He’d put on his most stern face and done what had to be done, right before they got off the Hogwarts Express. He’d waited, so they wouldn’t be uncomfortable on the train, or in classes. It just worked out. Yes, it made him the ass. But he did it for her.

Only he would never forget her eyes when he said it. He told her he needed to have a word with her… So they went in the corridor, alone. She was smiling that cute smile of hers, looking curious.

Then, as the words spilled from his mouth, her eyes…

So emerald and life-like one minute… so dark and lifeless and disappointed the next.

He felt like he’d just taken her life. Her spirit.

If Lily had ever had anything spectacular, it was spirit, energy, grace…

And he’d broken her heart, taking with it, that spirit that he adored, and it crushed him…

Truly, he was thinking of her when he did it.

… But then, one week later, he saw her again. It had never occurred to him that she would be in auror training with him.

His heart had broken all over again.

She refused to look at him for the first week of class. She loathed being in his presence. She talked to his friends, yes, and smiled, looking like her usual happy-Lily-self. But at other times… It was like Hogwarts all over again.

Eventually, he worked up the courage and asked her to be friends, still cautious of that look in her eyes. Why she agreed, he would never know. She was just that forgiving, of course.

He didn’t want to be her friend. He wanted to be more.

But he couldn’t. He would have to learn.

Slowly, they grew accustomed to being friends… and then best friends. She told him secrets, like she’d done before, just not in the same way. She would talk about her sister, and her fears for her family, though they never spoke of their relationship, or it‘s ending. But it made him feel a little better to see that she tried to trust him again. He would never break it.

Then she started dating again… That was seven months after he broke up with her. They’d been together seven months.

But it was seven months he would never forget.

Everyone wanted to know why he’d done it. He couldn’t tell them. Hell, he couldn’t even tell Lily the real reason.

He had to hide something from the girl he loved.

It hurt like hell.

And from what he’d heard, she hurt like hell, too… Which made the sting even worse.

But what did he expect?

*

Marie threw the door open, flying past her fellow Ministry workers, not really caring what they thought. She heard several people calling out her name; she didn’t care about that, either. She veered around a corner and came face to face with James Potter.

“James!” she gasped.

“Marie?” He immediately reached out to steady her. “Is everything all right?” He looked like he had some smart comment that followed, but she ignored the smirk. He knew she was okay; he was just asking to be polite.

“No, I’m fine, just come on, we have to get Sirius and Remus. We have to talk,”

“All right. You can wait here, I’ll get them. Catch your breath.”

“Don’t let… Lils know.” It was Lily’s first day back at work.

He nodded, smiling, but was obviously baffled.

Within moments (she‘d almost made it to the auror department), the three Marauders she’d requested were in front of her, looking puzzled. Marie, by this time, was biting her lip, looking around for somewhere to talk to them without having to worry about Lily overhearing.

She led them back to the lift, which, thankfully, was empty. The boys all watched as she clanged the door shut and waited a few moments for it to move.

Then, within a flash, she pulled out her wand and muttered some spell, so that it stopped where it was.

Three pairs of eyebrows rose in her direction.

“There. Now.” She turned. “I went to Lily’s last night, you know? Well, she was happy to not be alone, I suppose, because she actually wanted to talk.” Marie’s eyes were pleading now. “She hasn’t forgotten… She hasn’t forgotten a single thing that happened. She only wishes she could.” A few tears fell. “She blames herself for their death.” Here, Marie paused.

“How? How can she blame herself?” Sirius said suddenly.

Marie’s lip quivered and she looked afraid. “Do you remember that party Lils had at her apartment? The one that Denise and Sarah and everyone came to? Well, Lily said something about how she was taking her parents out to dinner the next day, for her dad’s birthday. She was going to pick them up. Well, we all know Voldemort is after Lily…” Marie looked sick.

“Go on,” Remus prodded. They all wanted to hear… very badly.

“Well, anyone there could have overheard her…”

The boys’ eyes went round as they realized what Marie was about to say.

“…and she thinks that someone somehow got news to a Death Eater that she was going.”

There was a long pause. “But she doesn’t think anyone did anything directly?” Remus asked timidly.

“Well… no. You know Lily. She would never blame anyone, even if they did try to take her life… But that’s not the worst.” Marie looked ready to fall onto the floor. “On the wall, there were words… written… in blood…” She swallowed. “They said, ‘Your luck is running out, Mudblood.’ We never heard about that! But that’s why Lily thinks someone there said something, even accidentally… Because she was supposed to be there. But she was working a little late. Her parents received an owl from her that said she would be…” Marie’s tears fell worse than ever. “Just think! Lily could have been…” She shivered. “Oh, Lily…”

Sirius, who was closest, took the crying girl in his arms, blinking rather heavily himself.

*

“Haven’t seen you out of the wizarding community in ages.”

James grunted. He’d rather not speak to anyone right now. Especially one of his best friends. One word would give away exactly what he was feeling… That’s one thing he didn’t want.

“How many shots is that? Seven? And I’ve only been here for ten minutes. What gives?” Sirius pulled the closest chair around, folding his arms onto the bar. He was the most playful of the group by far, though he was known to be thoughtful and observant, as well, though he only accredited it to being friends with such other brilliant blokes.

So it didn’t surprise Sirius that James was presently in a bar--a muggle one, away from anyone who would recognize him--downing the strongest alcohol available. But instead of reprimanding him as maybe he should, considering the fact that they were both expecting at the Auror department in roughly seven hours and were both exhausted and worried about Lily, Sirius simply sat by his friend and signaled the barman for a drink.

James grudgingly looked up as Sirius’s drink drifted across the bar. He sighed and shook his head. “Pathetic, I know.”

“Nah, mate.” Sirius said patiently.

There were a few moment of silence. “Do you remember fifth year very well?”

“Sure I do.” James snorted, swaying slightly on his stool as he did so. “Snape was a complete git. We cursed a lot of bloody Slytherins. You started saving for that bloody bike you’re so fond of. OWLs were horrible… We had that really big fight that lasted through September. Remus’s aunt died. Your uncle left you a hell of a fortune. My owl came up missing, had to owl-order a new one, however ironic. The girl I was head over heels with hated me to the point of embarrassing me publicly. Lily--”

“I was talking more along the lines of November. Eighteenth.”

James’s eyes, though slightly unfocused, turned quickly to his friend. He gave a slight nod, recognition evident.

“My brother and I spoke for the first time in years.” Sirius shifted his head a bit, his eyes trained on a notch on the bar as he thought back. “We got in a fight, Dumbledore was torn between pity and chucking me out of school. But you weren’t about to allow that, and Albus learned not to mess with someone so stubborn… Do you even know how he laughed afterwards, looking back at how you reacted? Then you came to me, calmed me down, as only you could ever do with any of us. We were by the forest. You literally cut our bloody hands open, pressed them together. You wouldn‘t let anyone fix the wound with magic. You said that, in this case, we needed something “more natural.” I thought you were mad. Now I know you are, but,” He raised his eyes slowly, bringing his right palm up as he did. “At least I’ll always remember who my real family is.” The white scar reaching from his index finger down to his wrist shone in the firelight from the hearth on the other side of the room. James stared. “Mate, that meant more to me than anything my family ever did or said.”

Again, there was silence. Sirius drank half his glass. He traced his fingers over the bar, then the rim of his glass.

Absentmindedly, James ran the tips of his fingers of the twin scar on his palm.

“So it doesn’t matter what the hell goes on outside these doors, I get where you’re going. I’ve always understood everything you never said. I even know what you’re thinking this moment,” He nodded to the bartender for another drink. “And I’m behind you all the way with whatever else you choose to go headfirst into, as is your habit.” Sirius stared hard at his best friend, his brother. “And you know, mate, there are a lot of things out there that are pathetic. Especially in these days. But being in love and making sacrifices are definitely not examples.” He drained his first glass, then his new one as the man pushed it across the bar, stood and said, “She isn’t as disinterested in you as you think, either,” and was gone.

James Potter could only stare after him, relief and love for his best friend flooding through him.

*