Goodbye, my almost lover

cosmopolitan411

Rating: PG
Genres: Angst, Romance
Relationships: Lily & James
Book: Lily & James, Books 1 - 7
Published: 23/01/2008
Last Updated: 23/01/2008
Status: completed

He was everything that I’d ever wanted; I only wish that I was the same for him.

Chapters

1. Goodbye, my almost lover

1. Goodbye, my almost lover

Disclaimer: if I had any say Harry would be dead or with Hermione, simple as that. Also it should be noted that given that I'm musically inept these lyrics aren't mine, but “Almost Lover” by A Fine Frenzy (the title of this story is also a derivative of this song since the lyrics played such a large role in the writing process of this story)

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Goodbye, my almost lover

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Summary: He was everything that I'd ever wanted; I only wish that I was the same for him.

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You sang me spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

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I look at him and I see everything that I've ever wanted in a man. He's the epitome of what a bloke my age should be. It's the four A's: astute, athletic, attractive, and aware of it, that one's the curse that comes with the three good A's, but even that one is done so in such a charming way that you can't help, but love him for it.

He's perfect.

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I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

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The first time were ever together was during our first year after he asked me to be his girlfriend on the fourth day of school. We hit it off immediately, got along fabulously, and regardless of how immature of a couple we may have been I just knew that we were meant for one another. My feelings, however, were slightly swayed by the fact that on our two day anniversary he smashed my cupcake. I ended it then.

Yet I quickly realized that despite that little misstep we were each others soul mates. In fifth year he finally asked me out again, although he didn't know it seeing as how he had apparently forgotten about our little first year romance. That didn't matter to me though, I was just so ecstatic that he had finally realized how perfect we were for one another, nothing else mattered anymore.

I gave him everything, my heart, my soul… even my body, and I was all too happy and willing to do so. What I didn't expect, however was to find out that he wasn't even close to as committed as I was. My mates all told me that I shouldn't have been so surprised to learn that he was seeing other girls as well, that he had never asked me to be his girlfriend or showed any indication of commitment to me. While I knew it was true I didn't want it to be, I had always thought that once we got together he'd realize that we were supposed to be together and give up on his playboy ways.

I was desperate as far as he was concerned; I remember one night when he came to my room for a late night shag. It was pathetic, I immediately noted how he smelled of sex, it was a distinct, pungent odor that bothered me far more than I would like to admit. Yet in spite of that, I let him in, I tried to ignore it and the tears that were threatening to make way as I, once again, gave him everything I had.

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We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images

And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you'd never ever forget these images, no

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One night as we lay in bed, he always stayed until I fell asleep before leaving, I asked him the question that had been pestering me for the last year and a half, since we had started our… thing.

“Are you even capable of love and commitment?” I asked with far less tact than I would have liked, but after waiting so long for the answer to that question I no longer cared for its delivery.

I could feel him stiffen around me, noting how he slowly detangled himself from me, as if preparing to make a run for it.

“Oh come on James, don't be such a pansy, it's just a simple yes or no question,” I laughed, lightly slapping his arm in a desperate attempt to play it off as if the answer to that meant far less to me than it really did. I couldn't let him see my nerves, see how much I cared for him or else he'd leave me for being too clingy.

He paused for a second and I could tell that he was mentally imagining all of the possible scenarios in order to pick out the safest route. With the anticipation coursing through my veins I couldn't wait to hear it, what he would say, what was most likely a two minute wait felt like hours.

“No,” he slowly said, “no I don't ever see myself settling down, there isn't a girl out there that's made me even want to.”

He was honest with me and I did respect that fact, but those words… those words broke my heart.

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I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

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A month after that night he slowly became more and more distant with me and I couldn't help, but wonder if that question had had a far greater effect than I had initially assumed. He no longer came to me save once or twice every other week, and slowly it all hit me—the idea of what life would be like without him. I couldn't take it, I was horrified, disgusted, repulsed. I needed to stop it. Ironically enough, however, it was the day that I chose to confront him about it that my worst nightmare began.

I was walking towards him when I noticed who he was talking to, Lily Evans. I didn't know what to think at that point, I was in a total state of shock, she just… she wasn't his type, at all. She was a loud, outgoing, prefect, nothing like his usual type which consisted of calm, sophisticated, respectable blondes and brunettes. Plus there was the fact that she was possibly the most loved girl in our school, he never went for the nice girls. So I just assumed that it was a question about reserving the pitch for a practice or getting out of a detention of some sort.

I was wrong.

I slowly started to see them together more and more, in every class that Gryffindor and Ravenclaw had together they were sitting together in the front of the classroom. He never sat in the front; I had always heard him, with his mates, mocking those that did, calling them little swots. It was a total change and I didn't know what to do anymore, I was scared beyond belief.

Everything was spinning off its axis; his visits became even rarer, to the point at which it was only once a month, as if I was just some form of a relief for all of his tension. Even when I asked what was wrong, what was going on, he rebuffed all attempts, blaming whatever was wrong with him on the stress of the quidditch season.

I was slowly losing it all, everything that mattered to me.

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Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

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It was at the end of sixth year when he finally ended it, and I still remember it as if it were yesterday.

“But—but I love you,” I finally admitted, gasping for air as I sobbed uncontrollably.

He didn't even flinch at that admission; it was as if he had expected it all along. “I never made you any promises, never lied to you Becca. I told you not to expect anything from me, warned you about it… there's nothing I can do about that.”

“Yes there is!” I shouted desperately, angered by the fact that he couldn't see what was right there in front of him all along.

“What?” he asked, and I could tell that he genuinely wanted to do whatever he could to make me feel better. I didn't know whether to be flattered by that fact or scream.

“Love me, need me, be with me—for once just open your eyes!”

He winced slightly, obviously taken aback by the statement, before moving his gaze onto the ground, “I can't.”

“You're making a mistake James, you'll see,” I promised him before running off to find Moaning Myrtle, she, of all people, could best console me whenever I was sad.

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I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life?

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I watched them get closer and closer as time went on, saw how he proclaimed his love to her numerous times in front of everyone, even though he knew she'd reject him. I saw him want a girl who wasn't me and it killed me to watch that scene play out.

It was just so wrong she wasn't even his type. I didn't understand why he couldn't see it like I could, they just shouldn't be together. He shouldn't have his arm wrapped around her all the time, following her around like some kind of a lost puppy. His mates shouldn't condone this, act as if she's some sort of a God or something—it's pathetic, despicable and I don't understand how someone as smart as that Evans girl could fall for that. Bloody idiotic Head Girl is what she was—even more so for actually ultimately saying yes to Potter. Poor girl doesn't know anything.

I knew the truth though, I was so sure of it, so convinced of the fact that in the end, regardless of all the horrible things that had gone on before, everything would be okay—we'd be together.

“I know about you two,” I heard a voice say, interrupting me from my reverie, one in which I had been unashamedly plotting the gory death of one Lily Evans.

I turned in my seat to face the person who sat behind me, raising an eyebrow at him I incredulously asked “excuse me?”

“you and James, I know about it… just figured if you ever needed to talk to someone you should know that I know the situations… and I'm there,” he told me weakly, as if afraid of me, a notion which I found positively absurd.

I glared at him, unable to comprehend how he had the audacity to suddenly come up to me and talk to me about that, “you don't know anything.”

He raised an eyebrow at me questioningly, I hate people who second guess me, wanker, “he's happy Rebecca, he's genuinely happy, don't get your hopes up.”

“You sure about that Lupin?” I asked him cockily.

“He loves her.”

My body stiffened, face hardened at hearing that statement, “James can't love, you and I both know that—the bloke's just lying to himself and that poor naïve girl.”

He shook his head at me almost pityingly, “don't hold onto a dream that's never going to happen Bex, he loves her, really loves her and that won't be changing any time soon, it's something that you're going to have to get used to.”

“Is it James that loves her or this new bloke that she's forcing him to be.”

He scoffed, “no one forced him, he wanted to change so he could be worthy of her. He's wanted her for years Bex, but only just acted on it. It was never you, don't delude yourself and waste your time on a hopeless cause.”

I glared at him, picking up my things and leaving as soon as I heard the bell interrupt our conversation.

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Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

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It was so wrong that none of them saw it and how horrible it all was. Especially her, she doesn't understand that if she coddles him like that he'll no longer be James, she's changing him, making him out to be someone else- this person so alien from his usual self- and I can see that she doesn't really love him if she needs to do that.

All that's left is for the rest of them to realize what a horrible mistake it all is.

Fin.

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author's note: so I was consoling a friend today, break up, and got so fed up with her Celine Dion music that I actually threw away the CD and put on A Fine Frenzy. Anyway, that, along with my friends break up, led to this unusually sad fic… hope you liked it.

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