Not Yet Lost

sandtreader

Rating: PG
Genres: Romance
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 7
Published: 16/02/2008
Last Updated: 16/01/2009
Status: completed

An experimental piece concerning a little conversation between two old friends sometime after the war

Chapters

1. Not Yet Lost

2. The Choice

1. Not Yet Lost

A/N: This is a little experiment that I simply couldn't let go of. A dialog-driven story with absolutely no narration. It occurs after DH without regard for the epilogue. The purpose of it was to be a little jab at the, IMO, illogicality of the final pairings which to me requires a hefty suspension of disbelief. In other words, “don't put a new patch on old wine skins.” Read carefully enough and you'll catch what I mean by that. Enjoy!

Not Yet Lost

“What are you thinking about?”

“...Nothing.”

“Come on. I know you better than that. Something's bothering you. What is it?”

“...”

“Hermione, do I have to use verita serum to get it out of you?”

“...”

“Come on. You can tell me.”

“I know Harry...Its just that...I thought I knew myself better.”

“And...”

“...And now I realize...that I screwed up.”

“...Okay. You screwed up. What did you screw up?”

“Things! Everything!”

“Well, that's pretty specific.”

“Harry, don't tease me.”

“I'm not. I just want to know what's going on. I hate seeing you like this. It makes me feel awful.”

“See? That's the problem.”

“Huh?...Now I'm confused.”

“...”

“Just put it in plain language. What exactly is the problem?”

“...”

“Come on. Chin up, bookworm!...That's better. I finally got a smile out of you. Now spill it.”

“Harry...how many times have we had a falling out together over something?”

“...What do you mean?”

“You know, a row. A fight.”

“I don't know, a few times maybe...”

“Do you remember what we fought about?”

“Not really. Why?”

“See? There it is.”

“...There it is what?”

“You can't even remember what we argued about. Your Firebolt. The Department of Mysteries. That potions book...”

“Oh, yeah...those.”

“You always just let it go somehow...and here we are, friends as ever.”

“...Okay. And the point is...”

“The point is that Ron never lets things go.”

“...Really.”

“It's always a matter of honor to him for some reason. He hates even the idea that he's been wrong about anything. And whenever we fight he always digs up the past and seems to throw it in my face!”

“...I see...”

“I'm sorry, Harry. I...I didn't mean for it to come out like that...I just...”

“It's okay, Hermione. If you need to get it out, do it. I'm listening.”

“...The fact is that despite what happened during the war, Ron hasn't really changed.”

“...”

“What I mean is...he's not the person that I thought he had become during the war...not the man I...thought I fell in love with. He's simply the same old Ron we've always known. Except...”

“Except...”

“...Except it's even worse now.”

“How is that?”

“Well, for starters, take Ron's jealousy, insecurity, and general suspiciousness that you've known for all these years and multiply it by ten.”

“...I see. And would it be because you are now 'officially' his?”

“...Yes. At least I think so.”

“Are you surprised that he hasn't changed?”

“Well...no. Not now, anyways. I guess I just hoped that things would be different after everything we've gone through together...that he would have changed for good. But now...I realize that people just don't have major personality changes over night, or even after many years. I guess when your life is no longer in danger and all the excitement dies down, some people just go back to being their old selves.”

“But he still loves you.”

“I know. But sometimes I wonder if...”

“If what?”

“If it isn't really me that he loves but...himself.”

“...”

“What's that expression for?”

“It's just that it's strange to hear you say that now after the two of you seemed so...”

“...In love? I know. But like I said, after thinking over everything, I just realized that things aren't what I thought they would be. Ron simply is Ron and it doesn't seem like any Voldemort, Death Eaters, poison, or anything will alter that. He sees the world the way he wants to and now that I 'belong' to him, insists that I see it that way too.”

“...”

“Harry, please don't get me wrong. I do care for him and he's not bad by any stretch. He just always seems to think that I will run off with someone else at any moment. We can't go out anywhere, Hogsmeade, Diagon, even muggle places without him making a comment about some guy staring at me or asking me how much I love him. He watches me like a hawk and I don't feel...”

“...Free?”

“Exactly.”

“Is that all? Are you just upset because he is so protective of you?”

“Not protective, Harry, OVER protective. And not of me...of his own bloody ego!”

“...Wow.”

“What?”

“I haven't heard you talk this way in a long time. I'm almost afraid to ask what you think of me.”

“...Harry...”

“Okay. I just don't understand. I always thought that you two had it in for each other, even before the war. The way you two were at each others' throats, it just seemed like you both had this burning desire to be together...”

“Really? You really thought that? Harry, honestly. Do you really believe that two people who love each other so deeply and passionately, have this urge to fight and argue over everything? Is that how you define love?”

“Well...no. I guess not, now that you put it that way. And yet, you two ended up together. Care to explain?”

“Sure, I'll explain. I was stupid, plain and simple.”

“Hermione...”

“Seriously, Harry. It's my fault. I was too desperate, wanting someone so badly. Everyone else seemed to have someone except me. I mean, you had Cho and then Ginny...and I thought that Ron fancied me and it flattered me when he was jealous over Krum. I wanted him to love me and I truly thought I was falling in love with him...”

“So that's why you forgave him all those times he hurt you?”

“Yes.”

“Even when he ran off that night.”

“He didn't just run off Harry, he abandoned us!”

“...Yes. You're right. But I let it go simply because I saw he was out of sorts thinking that you and I were...”

“...In love?”

“Yes. And you crying about the whole thing just convinced me that you loved him all the more.”

“...”

“And you're saying now that you don't love him?”

“No, Harry. I mean...I don't know what I mean. Perhaps I do, but it's just...I don't feel like myself anymore around Ron. If he's not busy with Quidditch or some Weasley family concern, he wants us to spend time together and it's mostly doing things he likes. I barely have a chance to read anymore and it's killing me.”

“Perhaps he's jealous of your books.”

“Funny, Harry.”

“ Seriously, though. I understand what you are saying. Have you talked to him about it? Have you told him what you just told me?”

“Talk to Ron about it? Harry, have you ever known Ron to have a deep, serious conversation about anything?”

“Well...no...I guess not.”

“We don't talk about 'real' things, Harry. If I start going on about some major issue or something I read, he draws a blank and doesn't say anything unless it's to change the subject to who won the latest match or whether Fickleblooms has the latest broomstick. ”

“Hermione, perhaps Ron hasn't gotten over his jealousy and maybe he won't. I mean, you're right. People just don't change who they are that easily. But, did you never fancy him before the war, during the Yule Ball for instance, when you two were arguing?”

“Perhaps I did a little. I mean, I have to admit that it was exciting at first, the idea that Ron was in love with me. And I dreamed about what it would be like to be with him and practically convinced myself that he was this really kind, courageous, and loving person beneath all those hurtful words and selfishness. I thought that by just letting things go and trying my best to 'love' him, he would come around and see the light. I really convinced myself, Harry, that I could change Ron. I was wrong. Stupid wrong.”

“Hermione, don't be so hard on yourself. You can't know everything. You, me, Ron, all of us were learning. We none of us really knew what we were doing, in relationships or otherwise. You know that.”

“But that doesn't change what happened, Harry, and it's still not an excuse for Ron being such a git. I understand what you are saying, but don't you see? I should have realized what I had before me...I mean, I should have been more cautious and really looked at the situation. I was just so blinded by my desperate feelings. I just thought that he would treat me better if I showed him that I would stick by him even though he hurt me so deeply.”

“Perhaps that's why everyone commented on how you two were going to end up together despite your bickering.”

“They did? Why would they think that? If I had been in my right mind, I would have told Ron to shove it the first time he deliberately tried to hurt me!...like with Lavender Brown! I really do care about him, Harry. But I swear, I'll never be stupid enough to let some insecure, blockheaded bloke treat me like a doormat and up and decide to 'accept' me as his girlfriend when he's well and ready to. Argh!!!”

“Wait a minute...you'll never...you mean...you broke up with him already?”

“...Yes.”

“But I thought he had asked you to marry him and according to Ginny you said yes.”

“I know. I did at first. But then, after thinking about everything I just told you, I regretted it and told him that I couldn't marry him just yet.”

“Dare I ask how he took it?”

“At first he seemed very kind and understanding. But then when he pressed me about why I was hesitating after it seemed we were a 'done deal' we somehow ended up in a fight again. We were yelling at each other and he accused me of only thinking about myself and so I stormed out. I haven't talked to him since.”

“...”

“Harry, I just feel terrible. I should never have let it get this far along. I don't want to hurt Ron, but I am convinced that the two of us together in any kind of relationship will just end up hurting each other. And I don't want that to happen...”

“I see...”

“It's too bad really.”

“What do you mean?”

“It's too bad that Ron and I can't have a normal go at it...I mean...like you...and Ginny...”

“Me and Ginny? You think we're normal?”

“Of course! I mean...you look so happy together. I don't think I've ever seen the two of you fight over anything. It must be nice...”

“...”

“Now what's that face for?”

“I just think it's funny that you consider Ginny and myself like that.”

“Why do you think it's funny? It's true, right? You are happy together, aren't you?”

“Perhaps...I suppose you could call it that.”

“I don't understand.”

“Ginny is a great girl. She's sweet, funny, talented, and very loyal. If I need anything at all, she's there for me. She would cross the earth for me if I needed her. And she's beautiful too, which certainly helps...what? Don't roll your eyes, Granger.”

“I get it Harry. The perfect girl. You hit it big, I know.”

“But you see Hermione, that's precisely the problem.”

“Huh? Now you're confusing me.”

“The problem is I can't complain about Ginny at all.”

“And...that's a bad thing?”

“Not bad per se, just...boring.”

“Oh.”

“Yes...oh.”

“But...I thought...”

“...That it was happily ever after and all that rubbish?”

“Well...yes. I mean...I'm surprised. You two aren't going out anymore?”

“Yes, we are...for now.”

“For now...”

“Hermione. You aren't the only one who's been thinking about the past lately. You may be surprised that I feel the same way about certain things as you do.”

“You do?”

“Yes. I said before that the three of us were learning our way. Well, I am still learning, and lately I've been realizing that this supposedly 'idyllic' future with Ginny...I'm just not cut out for it.”

“But, why not?”

“Because, I just can't imagine going through life with a partner who is not my equal.”

“And Ginny isn't your equal?”

“No.”

“But, Harry...everyone always talked about how ideal a match she is for you...I mean with Quidditch and all.”

“They did? And why would they think that?”

“...Okay, smarty. You got me on that one. But tell me, why don't you want to be with Ginny? I just thought you two had so much in common. That you loved to be together because you shared so much of the same interests.”

“Let me put it this way. Good looks, popularity, sports are all great things. But unfortunately, they don't make a great relationship. Ginny and I do share many interests. But the reason we do is that they are all my interests. And that is the problem.”

“...”

“Now who's making a funny face? What I'm saying, Hermione, is that Ginny doesn't really have a life outside of me.”

“And you want her to?”

“Yes! Of course! The thing is that she is interested in...Quidditch, for example, because I have been. Do you see? She doesn't really have any interests or passions of her own. It's like I'm dating a clone of myself sometimes, and believe you me I have tried to get her to do something for herself, but it never really sticks.”

“I never really thought about it that way, Harry.”

“The more I think about it, Hermione, the more I realize that having everything in common doesn't mean that you will have a fulfilling life together. I need someone who thinks about things that I don't. Someone who can live without me perfectly fine and yet they don't want to live without me. When I am wrong I need someone to tell me, not because it ruins their well-laid plans or ideas, but because they really care about what happens to me.”

“...”

“I like Ginny. I really do. And I genuinely fell in love with her starting back in our sixth year. But I realize now that I fell in love with someone who simply doesn't exist. Just an ideal girl who pushed all the right buttons at the right time. It was great then, great during the war, but now...”

“But now?”

“Now I just can't justify marrying someone who was never a real, true friend but just a school crush. I want to marry someone who is my equal in life.”

“...So...by equal, you mean...”

“Someone who compliments me, not someone who completes me. Someone who is different from me in all the right ways. Someone who challenges me to higher and better things and yet makes me fall in love with her all over again, every single day. And Ginny simply isn't that someone.”

“...”

“...”

“So...what are you going to do now?”

“Well, I'll have to sit down with Ginny and have a little chat. Tell her like it is.”

“...”

“What's so funny?”

“Poor Mrs. Weasley. She's certainly going to take all this harder than her children will. She's been eagerly awaiting grandkids you know.”

“Do I ever. But all of it means nothing if you can't respect your partner in life. Right?”

“...”

“Well, I guess I had better tell Ginny soon and get it all over with...especially since I've...met someone else.”

“You...WHAT?”

“I've met someone. Hermione, you wouldn't believe it. She's fantastic! She's everything I just described to you and more!”

“...Harry...tell me you're joking.”

“It's no joke, Granger. She's beautiful, intelligent - smarter than I am in fact.”

“But when did this happen? Who is it?”

“Someone I knew previously as it turns out, and as for when? Well, I'm not exactly sure. It's been coming on gradually I suspect but recently I realized how much in love with her I really am. She's just so...so...”

“Perfect...”

“...Why the sad face? Aren't you happy for me? Aren't you glad to see your friend head over heels in love with someone who is his equal?”

“...Yes...I guess...”

“That's not very convincing.”

“Sorry, Harry. I'm just...surprised, that's all.”

“Looks more like shock to me.”

“...”

“Come on. Surely something like this wouldn't bother you, right? Look, if it will cheer you up, I know this bloke who is dying to meet you.”

“WHAT?...Harry...”

“I'm serious, I told him all about you. I told him how clever and smart you are. How loyal of a friend you have been and how you have helped me get through all those scrapes. He really wants to meet you...and he's quite handsome too...I might add.”

“Harry, I'm not interested in meeting some strange guy right now. You should know that.”

“Why?”

“You know why.”

“Because you just broke it off with Ron?”

“No, it's because I...”

“It's because you what?”

“...nothing. I didn't mean to say that. Forget it.”

“Sure you did. I know you. You can't get out of this now. What were you going to say?”

“Harry...”

“Come on...spill it.”

“I just don't want...”

“...You don't want what?”

“...”

“Look, we're not leaving this café until you tell me...even if they try to kick us out. If Ron isn't the problem, what is?”

“...”

“Hermione...”

“I just don't want to be with some new guy and...I don't want you to be with 'Spectacular' girl, whoever she is! Okay? There...I've said it!”

“Oh...I see...”

“...”

“...”

“...”

“Hermione...I don't really know what to say...”

“...Maybe I should leave. I don't think I can take much more of this.”

“Leave? No. Hermione, please stay.”

“Harry, I can't...”

“But it's already too late...”

“...Too late for what?”

“...I invited them here.”

“You invited who?”

“The girl I was telling you about and...the bloke too.”

“WHAT?”

“In fact, they're here already.”

“Harry. I really don't want to meet them.”

“But you do. Trust me, Hermione. You'll see what I mean. Please don't go yet.”

“...”

“Okay?”

“...Okay. So where are they?”

“Well...”

“Harry, what are you doing? Your hands are cold.”

“The bloke I told you about...”

“Yes?”

“...is sitting right in front of you...”

“...What?”

“And the girl? That wonderful, pretty girl who has captured my heart forever. The one who is my equal in this life. The one who I love more than anything?”

“...Yes?”

“Well...she's sitting right in front of me.”

THE END? Not quite...

2. The Choice

A/N: And just for the fun of it... :)

The Choice

“Harry, where are we going?”

“You'll see.”

“It's freezing out here! Why couldn't we have just stayed by the fireplace in the café?”

“And miss this? Not a chance!”

“And...you're sure you know your way around here?”

“Hermione...”

“Okay! I believe you...what?”

“Here...”

“...”

“Is that better?”

“...A little, yes. Your hand is certainly much warmer now than it was earlier.”

“...”

“Are you laughing at me?”

“No, of course not! I was just thinking about that expression you had on your face...can't get it out of my head.”

“What did you expect? You surprised me. I just wasn't expecting what you said.”

“...”

“...But I am...glad.”

“...So am I.”

“...”

“If your face wasn't so pale from the moonlight, Hermione Granger, I would say you were blushing.”

“...Can't help it.”

“I know...I like that about you.”

“...”

“Okay...I don't think it's very far now.”

“I thought you knew the way.”

“I've only seen it once...ah...here it is, look!”

“Oh my...it's beautiful.”

“...”

“...”

“See the reflection in the water? It's like one sky on top of the other...you can't tell where one ends and the other begins.”

“...”

“Nice out here isn't it?”

“...Yes...very. How did you find this place?”

“Many days wandering these woods and hills...thinking.”

“About that girl you 'met', per chance?”

“...Yes...something like that.”

“...”

“And until tonight, that poor bloke didn't think he'd ever get the chance to 'meet' the famous Hermione Granger.”

“...Well, you were right. I'm glad I met him...I'm...glad we found each other.”

“...”

“But you're still going to get it for teasing me like that, Harry Potter.”

“Hey, you weren't exactly forthcoming yourself, you know. I had to be sure.”

“...”

“I had to know absolutely that you were as much in love with me as I was with you.”

“...”

“...”

“...”

“...”

“...Harry?”

“Yes?”

“Do you mind if I ask you...when exactly you knew you had...feelings for me?”

“...Well, like I said, it happened sort of gradually...I'm not sure exactly.”

“...”

“I must confess though...”

“What?”

“...I never really liked the idea of you and Ron together. It made me feel...lonely and left out, somehow.”

“...”

“...I mean, I thought it was just because the three of us had been friends so long and it seemed like you two were going off on your own and leaving me behind. But after the war I began to realize that wasn't why I didn't like it.”

“Why was it?”

“Because...I felt like Ron was taking you out of my life...away from me, forever. I can't tell you how much it bothered me.”

“...”

“You must have noticed my awkward behavior at the Burrow...at all those Weasley 'family' dinners.”

“...Yes. Now that you mention it.”

“...”

“But you told him you thought of me as your sister, Harry.”

“...I know. I was trying to find some way to console him for what happened. I didn't want him to run off again, Hermione. I was a coward...”

“Harry...I understand. So...you didn't mean what you told him then?”

“...At the moment I thought I did. Then afterwards I regretted saying it...horribly. But by that time it was too late...I couldn't take it back and I hadn't yet realized how I really felt about you.”

“...”

“...”

“Harry, what's wrong?”

“I was just thinking...”

“...What?”

“You realize of course...if we do this, our history with the Weasley clan will come to a rather...swift end. The good part of it, at least.

“...”

“...”

“Maybe it isn't that bad, Harry. I mean...who knows what will happen?”

“Hermione, you know as well as I do, even better than me in fact...Ron will never let this go. Not this time.”

“...”

“I mean...it's bad enough that you broke it off with him. But when he finds out that you and I are...well, together...that would be the ultimate betrayal for him. He'll never forgive us.”

“...”

“You know I'm right.”

“...Yes...unfortunately.”

“...”

“...And Ginny too.”

“...I know...I mean, despite what I said in the café, I feel terrible now thinking about her.”

“...”

“And Ron has been my best mate all these years. I've always felt secure in believing that would never change, Hermione. And yet, here I am now...not only taking his 'girl' away from him, but dumping his little sister in the process. If Mrs. Weasley doesn't crucio me into the next life, he probably will.”

“Harry...I'm sorry.”

“...For what? You're not to blame for anything.”

“...”

“If anything, it's my fault. It's just that I realize that I got so caught up in everything between us tonight and didn't really think about the consequences of it...until now.”

“Consequences? Harry...do you regret what you said back there at the café?”

“...No...Hermione...no. Absolutely not!”

“...”

“...Look at me...”

“...”

“You are the best thing that's ever happened in my sad, little story of a life. I know I've never said these things to you before, but I'm saying them now. I've been such an idiot, Hermione. I see now that...well, like you said, I should have recognized what I had in front of me. I should have realized who was standing beside me...who stood up for me...who really cared about me...who...truly loved me.”

“...”

“...And yes, it pains me to think that I would hurt Ron or Ginny. I don't want to lose them, I really don't. They are part of our lives after all. But if having you with me, if holding you like this, and sharing what we have together means I lose Ron, Ginny, and everyone else we know in this world...then I choose you, Hermione Granger...I choose you.”

“...Harry...”

“...”

“...”

“So, is that settled then?”

“...Yes.”

“Good. Here...let's wipe those tears before they freeze on your face and you end up with a permanent smile.”

“...”

“And you're blushing again.”

“...I just can't believe this is happening, that's all.”

“...Neither can I...neither can I.”

“...”

“...Come on. Let's get you back where it's warm.”

“...”

“...”

“Harry.”

“...Yes?”

“We'll get through this somehow...like we always have...together.”

“...I know, Hermione...I know...”

THE END