And so I Smile

Gilksey

Rating: PG
Genres: Angst, Romance
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 6
Published: 12/03/2008
Last Updated: 09/06/2008
Status: completed

[AUTHORS NOTE PLEASE READ!] It's 6th year and Gryiffindor just won the quidditch cup ... again. Starts out Hermione's POV as her worst nightmares come to be. please reveiw. Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or the original plot line.

Chapters

1. and so i smile

2. as always i smile

3. And so we smile

4. Authors Note

1. and so i smile

Author's Note: Hi ladies and gents ... here is a little something to keep yall entertained while I work my ass off to upload some more chapters for my other stories. I know it's short but it's something I really wanted to write so here. It's kind of angsty but bear with me. Not a happy ending unfortunately. Enjoy and review please! <3

We're all in the common room celebrating. Ron played wonderfully. We won the cup! It was spectacular; I just wish Harry could've played. He would've loved it, that release and thrill he always seemed to get. I'll never understand boys and their brooms. Everyone was laughing and cheering; having an all around fun time. My eyes however were glued to the portrait hole. Waiting for those beautiful green eyes. A few minutes later and my waiting was rewarded. He walked in surprise written all over his face. In the distance I heard Ron yelling to him. As I stood to go over and hug him I saw his eyes fastened on Ginny. The look in his eyes was something I recognized and didn't. He was determined but there was more, something I'd never seen before. At least something that was never directed to me. She hugged him and I felt the normal twinge in my abdomen. But then he kissed her, and time froze.

Harry, my Harry, kissed her. He didn't care who was watching, he didn't know he was tearing me apart inside. But I did. I was distraught. I knew Ginny fancied him, I think everyone knew that.

My breathing has become ragged, my eyes have lost focus, and my heart has torn down the center. He is slowly killing me. I love him and he loves her and that's the way it is. I can't change that. He'd never love me, not like that. I'm his best friend, the know-it-all, the bookworm, his advisor and sometimes savior. I'm many things to him, but I will never be her to him. I will never be loved by him. All these thoughts flash through my head as time starts up again, albeit slowly.

His eyes are roaming the crowd. I compose myself seconds before his eyes are on me. His cheeks are flustered and his lips are moist. He looks delectable and suddenly seems thousands of miles away. I know what he's looking for so I make it easy and smile up at him.

When he looked at me I beamed, because that's what he wanted. That's what he needed. I gave him my approval and I gave him my support. It's not me he wants, it's her, so I give him that smile. I'm hollow inside and if I don't get out of here soon I just may die on the spot but I still smile. He's my Harry and so I give him what he wants, even if it hurts.

I begin my stride down the isle. The wedding is finally here! So long awaited as it was, it was finally upon us all. Tears were in my eyes as I walked towards my best friend of 10 years. He was smiling his adorable boyish, lopsided grin at me. I felt my knees weakening as I walked. I held tighter onto my bouquet from nerves.

I breathed a sigh of relief as I finally made it to the end; finally made it to Harry. I took my place by the pastor, and winked at Harry. He blushed slightly and winked back. He looked wonderful in his white tuxedo and emerald green tie. His eyes were bright, making him look otherworldly. He looked angelic in white, his figure silhouetted by the black backdrop. Everyone in the hall rose. Harry and I smiled widely to each other before he looked to the entrance, along with everyone else in the church. Ginny began her stride, in her long, glimmering wedding dress.

Flashes of cameras went off, and oh's and awe's filled the hall. These things barely registered in my mind as I continued to watch Harry. My smile had long since vanished from my face, replaced by more tears. My Harry was leaving me for good. Never to return. It was easy to pretend my tears were of joy for my best friend. No one knew they were of heartbreak, no one suspected my deeply hidden feelings.
I cried desperately, openly but quietly. I couldn't ruin this for him. He looked so happy and carefree. Like the young man he was instead of the hero he was forced to be. He was Harry, my Harry, and this was his day.

As all eyes were on Ginny, mine, like always, were on Harry. He was glowing with pride, and joy. This was his dream, his life's goal. This was what he won the war for. He was finally starting his family. With Ginny. As much as it hurt me, it filled me with happiness. I was and am happy for him; this is what he's always wanted.

He glanced back at me, and I beamed. Because that's what he wanted. That's what he needed. I gave him my approval and I gave him my support. It's not me he wants, it's her, and so I give him that smile. I'm hollow inside and if I don't get out of here soon I just may die on the spot but I still smile. He's my Harry and so I give him what he wants, even if it hurts.

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2. as always i smile

Author's Note: hey everyone! Thanks for all the great reviews and the warnings. Here's the second chapter in Harry's POV. Now this time I need everyone to please review. After you read tell me if I should flip this into a fluffy happy ending, or just stick with the tragic love story it is. Alrighty?! Anyway I know this part isn't going to be as good as the first one, probably because I can't understand Harry as much as I can Hermione. Or maybe it's the fact that most guys are dumb and I'm a girl? Just kidding dudes. Lol thanks all again. Love yous! -Gilksey <3

(Harry's POV)

I tell myself they were just fighting again. They were just bickering and it got out of control. She was just angry at him like always, and he was just being a prat like always. It was nothing more then a fight.

I keep telling myself all these things over and over again in my mind. But somehow I know, I just know it was something more. She was jealous. She was jealous of Lavender and Ron together and so she quickly got angry. She does that a lot. I smiled at the mere memory of her. She's always been so easily agitated. I know her so well, much better then myself.

For example, I know she loves the rain but she's scared of thunder. It's loud and it reminds her of explosions, the kinds that kill people. That's another thing I love about her, she cares so much more for everyone else then she does for herself. She has such a big heart. It makes me worry that one day she'll get herself killed in the place of someone else. I can't lose her. She's my everything, my life and love. I love her. I've known for awhile now how much I love her. I also know she'd never love me. With my reckless behavior and my obsession with destroying all the bad guys. She's more interested in stopping them. She's the kind of person that wants to protect the innocent not punish the guilty.

She hates it when we don't do our homework not because we'll fail school but because we might need these spells to save our lives one day. She hates it when people judge others without getting to know them first, and when people treat me differently. She loves it when you help her with her SPEW campaign, when you sneak her an extra chocolate chip muffin if she was held up in the library. She prefers coffee over tea, green over anything else and Charms is her favorite class. Her favorite season is spring, with all the rain, favorite movie is the Princess Bride and book is Pride and Prejudice. When she's nervous she fiddles with her fingers, thinking or focused she chews on her bottom lip, and when she's scared she stands in front of everyone else. As if she would rather her take the pain or whatever else it is, over everyone else. Knowing her that probably exactly what she's doing. She can't stand to fly but you notice that if she's with you she's more relaxed. When she can tell there's something wrong she'll give you a hug that will one day leave Mrs. Weasleys' in the dust. She runs her fingers through your unruly hair and you're instantly better. She likes it when you initiate hugs first and she's most ticklish on her sides and behind her knees.

I love her so much! It hurts, to see the things I do, to have done the things I've done and know that one day it could cost her. She refuses to leave my side and I let myself believe it's because she loves me too, but I know better. She loves Ron, and it kills me a little more each day.

I'm in detention with Snape during the Qudditch finals and I can't stop thinking about her. Not the game, not ways to kill Snape, her. It's always her, always been her and always will be. Except she doesn't feel the same way, I know that now. Everything everyone has been saying is true. She loves Ron not me. Otherwise she wouldn't have sent those birds attacking. She wouldn't have been jealous.

The game's over now and I'm heading to the common room. I can't wait to see Hermione. She must be overjoyed that I couldn't play today, that I couldn't nearly kill myself in some daring dive. She worries so much its adorable. The way her brows crinkle and the way she tucks her curls behind her ear. She's been doing that more often, worrying. My best bet is over my happiness. She seems to be pushing me to Ginny a bit more lately. Whether as a favor to Ginny or a relief for herself I don't know. But maybe I should? Go for Ginny that is. It might make Hermione happy, relieved definitely. It's the least I could do I guess. I mean Hermione wants me to be happy, and for me to be happy she has to be happy. So I guess if this makes her happy then I might be happy with Ginny?

Ginny's not that bad. She's beautiful, and she's smart. She's stubborn and she fights for what's right, just like Hermione. She's so much like her it makes me smile. It makes me think I could possibly, one day be happy with her. Especially if it makes Hermione happy.

I've made up my mind then. Ginny it is. As much as I love Hermione, with all of my being, she deserves this. She deserves happiness with someone that loves her too. She deserves love and a wonderful family more than anyone else. For Hermione, I'll do this. I can learn to love Ginny; she's a great girl and is an amazing human being. She's just not my Mione.

My thoughts are interrupted by a whole lot of cheering as the portrait hole opens. People are pulling me in and passing around Butter beers. `We won!' Someone yells. I should be happy, I should be thrilled! We put Slytherin in their place once again! But I'm not. I catch sight of Ginny running towards me and my heart sinks just a bit lower as I come to terms with what I have to do. She hugs me tightly and I let her. Hermione. Hermione. Before she leaves my hold I kiss her and time stops. Hermione. Hermione. I imagine her. Her lips, her hair, her smell, her! I could only hope Hermione was watching. Could only hope this made her even the slightest bit happy, even as it was tearing me apart inside. I'm her best friend, the reckless brother she never had, the star seeker, the savior. I'm many things to her, but I will never be him to her. I will never be Ron to her. So as I finally release her, I look for Ron first. Hope he's happy. He deserves just as much happiness as Hermione or anyone else does. He's still my best friend too. He smiles at me as if to say, `If you must'. Then my eyes roam, for her. My Mione. I put on a bright smile, knowing that's what she's probably expecting to see. And then I see her. All cuddled up by herself in the corner with a book. She's smiling brightly at me. She has tears in her eyes. Tears? Tears of joy I tell myself. She's overjoyed that I'm finally out of her long beautiful dark curls.

I beam back at her because that's what she wanted. That's what she needed. I gave her my silent approval and I gave her my support with Ron. It's not me she wants, it's him, and so I give her that smile. I'm hollow inside and if I don't get out of here soon I just may die on the spot but I still smile. She's my Mione and so I give her what she wants, even if it hurts.

The Wedding is here. The day I've always waited for, fought for; lived for. I'm standing at the alter right now, in my white tuxedo and green tie. Hermione picked it out, always looking out for me. I'm grinning like a complete idiot as I watch her stride down the isle. My Mione. She looks completely breathtaking. Literally, I'm finding it hard to not faint at the moment. Her green dress hugging all the right curves, the bouquet of white lilies in her hands somehow making the highlights in her curls stand out. She's walking towards me with the biggest smile on her face, and tears in her eyes. Tears of joy. I've always hated tears in her eyes, but these ones I strongly dislike. Their sitting there on her rosy cheeks, in her warm caramel eyes, mocking me and me unattainable desires. But still, I smile and wink foolishly, pretending it's her I'm marrying today. Her I'm going to start a family with. My love, my Mione, I'm going to wake up to every morning. I know it's not though and that's what kills me.

I should be thrilled. I should be completely ecstatic; I'm finally starting my family! With Ginny. Not with Hermione.

She's finally reached the alter now, glowing with happiness, and pride. It nearly breaks me, that look in her eyes. I almost kissed her just now. Thankfully, or unthankfully, the crowd stood up; announcing the appearance of the bride.

Hermione's watching me, I can feel it. She's always watching me, whether it's watching out for me or just with concern. She's always there. I'd be nothing without her. That's not true; I'd be dead without her. Just thinking of her makes me smile wider. It's easy to pretend my smile is of happiness soon to come with Ginny. No one knows. No one's ever noticed my deeply hidden feelings for Hermione. Not even she who's always been able to read my mind without as much as a glance. How could she not realize how much I love her? How much I've always loved her; will always love her? My heart cracks down the middle just a little more as the feelings I've been suppressing for so long scratch the surface once again.

Don't get me wrong. I love Ginny, I do. I wouldn't be destroying myself if I didn't. I love Ginny and I always will, just not as much as Hermione. Never as much as Hermione.

Ginny's almost at the alter now and I glance back at Hermione. One last shot to stop this. Instead she smiles. Full of support and joy, she smiles and so I smile, as always. I beam back at her because that's what she wanted.

As the pastor goes through his whole speech, my eyes shift back and forth between Ginny and Hermione. I can see her clearly from right here. It's like a tragic art show. In one I see my past and my desires; in the other I see my future and my dreams.

My thought are interrupted as the pastor speaks to me, “Do you Harry James Potter, take,” `Hermione Jane Granger', I say in my mind, “to be your lawfully wedded wife, through sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer to love and to hold till death do you part?” Time stops.

Can I go through with this? Can I throw any possible shot with my Mione away? Can I do this to Ginny; make her think I love her truly and for always? How can I do this to her? To myself? Again, my eyes are drawn to Hermione. She's smiling and crying. Tears of Joy. I can do this. For her I can do this, I have to, I will, “I do.” My eyes were still on Hermione as I said it, as I pretended it was her. No one noticed, no one ever does.

We're all at the reception now. Ron's giving his best man speech and Hermione's next to him, about to give hers. I watch her fiddle with her fingers, crinkle her brows and chew her lip. She looks so adorable and child-like. As the young woman she is rather than the brilliant warrior she was forced to become. She was my Mione.

“Now Harry I'm really sorry for stealing the spot light but I just have to get something out here.” Suddenly he's on his knee and I'm hyperventilating. “Hermione? I love you, always have and I always will. I can't stand being without you and I just have to know right here and now, will you marry me?” She gapes at him and my fists tighten to the point where I'm bleeding. Stupid git! She hates public moments. She hates being the center of attention. She's stage fright! That's why she was fiddling. How can he say he loves her so much if he doesn't even know the simplest of things about her?

I already know. Because she's Mione, protector of the innocent, huge warm hearted person, best friend to all and enemy to no one. For the same reasons I love her; for her love of books and desire to learn, her need to protect and drive to fight. She's brilliant, beautiful and the best person to ever exist. Who wouldn't love her?

Her eyes are roaming, and I compose myself seconds before they're on me. I smile up at her and she returns it. I beam at her because that's what she wanted. That's what she needed. I gave her my silent approval and I gave her my support with Ron. It's not me she wants, it's him, and so I give her that smile. I'm hollow inside and if I don't get out of here soon I just may die on the spot but I still smile. She's my Mione and so I give her what she wants, even if it hurts.

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3. And so we smile

Author's Note: OMG! I'm soooo sorry it took so long. There is no excuse good enough to erase my shame. But yet I ask forgiveness. Please don't hate me btw I hope you guys like it.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

(Hermione's POV)

Ron's on his knee with my hand in his. All of our friends and families are staring at me. I feel naked; vulnerable.

He's asking me to marry him now?! Out of all the time to ourselves we have, he chooses to do it now?! With everyone staring at me; during Harry's day? The most important day of his life. He's wanted this for so long and his own best friend is ruining it! I'm hyperventilating in a mixture of anger and fear. I hate public speaking. Shouldn't Ron know that? I mean he's claiming to love me with all his heart but he doesn't know one detail about me? I guess it doesn't matter. I'm sure there are things about him that I don't know…

I look up at Harry for some sense of security. He can always calm me down; can always protect me. When my eyes finally land on his, he's smiling widely. Not wide enough to fool me. His eyes are sad, angry even. His fists are clenched so tightly I'm amazed he's not wincing in pain. But why would Harry be angry? Isn't this what he wanted? Why is Harry sad? It's his wedding day; he's marrying the woman he loves. Unless its not …

“Do you Harry James Potter, take Ginerva Weasley, to be your lawfully wedded wife through sickness and in health, for richer or poorer to love and to hold till death do you part?” Harry hesitated for just a moment; unnoticed by everyone else in the church. His eyes rested on Hermione and his trademark smile lit up his entire face as he said “I do,” looking deeply into her eyes.

A series of unexplained moments between us flashed through my mind; endless glances, long pecks on the cheeks, all the hand holding and random outbursts against previous boyfriends. Harry had loved me. Harry does love me.

I'm completely overwhelmed with all sorts of emotions as I continue to watch Harry. His hands still clenched, his eyes still angry and cold, and his fake smile, used so often, was still present on his face. I beamed so brightly at him with happy tears leaking down my face. I saw a lone tear fall down his cheek, as I imagined he was assuming what I would do.
I looked back down at Ron. He was flushed with nervous anticipation, and my smile faded a bit.

(Ron's POV)

She's finally realized it. I had hoped dearly she wouldn't but she has. I've known since we were kids that Harry's been in love with Hermione. I was never certain if she felt the same way. So when Harry had started dating my sister I thought it was my chance. It made me the happiest man in the world when Hermione agreed to date me. I couldn't stop smiling!
When Harry and Ginny got engaged though, I noticed a change in her. She was distant and often times seemed depressed. Sure she could easily fool people into believing she was ecstatic. For someone as stage fright as she is, you would've figured that she couldn't act. When in reality she was the best actress I'd ever known. I often times found myself believing she was happy. I'm not as much of a idiot as people seem to think I am. I notice small things about her; I can usually tell when she's faking. I wouldn't claim to love her if I didn't. I know this proposal is the worst ever; I know she's afraid of being the center of attention and I know she'll be pissed at me for ruining Harry's day but I had too. I figured if I do this, she'll see Harry's reaction all along and refuse or she really does love me and she'll say yes. It may seem like a win-lose situation for me but in truth its win-win. If she says yes then I'll remain the happiest man to ever live. If she realizes and says no then at least she can be happy with the new found knowledge or maybe even happy with Harry. As long as she's happy I'm happy.

I watched as she looked for Harry. I watched as he flashed her another of his fake smiles. I watched as she finally saw through the façade. And I watched as her smile became the biggest I had seen in a long time. She glanced down at me and her smile faded a bit as she also realized that she would have to hurt me. I wasn't surprised when she quietly asked if we could talk in private. I wouldn't expect her to publicly humiliate me. She's too kind and caring for something like that.

I stood up to my full height and held her hand as she led me out of the room. I saw Harry's cold eyes glare at me until we were outside of his vision.

“Ron I … what I mean to say is that … uhm … You should know I-” I smiled in amusement as I watched her stumble for a nice way to put it.

“Let me take a wild guess. You're madly in love with Harry, always have been and always will. Yes you love me too but not nearly as much as Harry. You'd hate to hurt me but you feel it's the lesser of two evils as I would be hurt way more if we were to get married based on an unrequited love?” She stared flabbergasted at me as I recited every word running through her mind.

“Uh … Well yes. How …how did you know?”

“Because Hermione, I pay way more attention than everyone gives me credit for. I've always known Harry loved you. I wasn't 100% sure if you felt the same. So I did that stunt there to settle it once and for all.”

“What do you mean?” I sighed up at her. For the cleverest witch of her time she sure can be dense.

“Don't you think I know you're stage fright? By proposing in front of everyone, namely Harry, I figured you'd look at him for reassurance. When you did either you'd notice his façade and say no. Or you really did love me over him and you'd agree to marry me. To be honest I'm surprised it took you so long to realize it.” Hermione just stared at me in awe and repeatedly opened and closed her mouth. “Don't worry Hermione, we can still be the best of friends, and as long as you're happy, I am too.”

“Oh Ron!” Suddenly I found her leaping into my arms in a giant bear hug.

“Whoa. Sure you don't want to be a Weasley? You've got the hugs down pat.”

She leaned back just enough to look me in the eyes.

“Thank you Ron. I love you too!” She leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss on my lips. Just a sweet friendly, goodbye kiss.

(Harry's POV)

She said yes. She said yes. SHE. SAID. YES! That was the only thing running through my mind as I walked in to find them kissing. It was chaste but warm. They immediately noticed me and I watched them slowly disentangle themselves. Hermione looked up at me with the brightest eyes. She must be dying to tell me the oh so wonderful news. Ron kissed her temple as he began to walk away.

“Don't worry about a thing Mione. I'll take care of everyone else.” Great so Hermione wanted to make this a sentimental private discussion. Ron continued walking until he stopped right in front of me. Was he crying? “Mate I swear to Merlin, if you screw this up I'll put you 12 feet under. Anyway, congratulations mate. You're one hell of a lucky man.” Ron smiled a bittersweet smile and clapped me on the back before he continued on, leaving me and Hermione alone.

We stood in silence for a few moments before she started to explain. “We're not engaged. I said no, well I didn't really need to I guess. But no we're not getting married.”

“But you- … what?”

“Harry I love Ronald. That will never change. But I've loved someone else for a lot longer and more deeply.” She loved someone else? That's even worse then Ron. At least I'd known Ron; knew he'd never hurt her. Now there's some other ass of a bloke he had to worry about.

“Can I hate him without you hating me?” She chuckled to herself and shook her head.

“I think you'll have a very hard time hating him.”

“Why's that?”

“Because you don't seem like the self-hating type.” She smirked at my gaping face as celebratory fireworks exploded in my mind.

Once the shock wore off I threw my arms around her and spun her in the arm as she laughed in joy. I was afraid to let her go so instead I held her up off the ground so our faces were level and kissed her with everything I had; everything I'd held back for so long.

After our minds established that yes we are humans and yes we do need air to breathe we separated. Our eyes never wandered from the others as our breathing calmed.

“Harry? I love you! I love you so much and for so long!”

“Hermione I've always loved you! I can't believe you've felt the same! Why didn't you say anything?” She bit her lip as she fisted my tux in her hands; I guess she's also afraid to let go.

“Because I thought you didn't feel the same. I just kept pushing away so I wouldn't break my own heart over you. You only proved me right that day at Hogwarts.”

“What you mean after the qudditch finals? The one I couldn't play?” She nodded.

“The day you kissed Ginny for the first time.” I stared in disbelief.

“You were always hinting for me to date her! I thought that's what you wanted!”

“I only hinted because you flirted with her! I thought that was what you wanted!”
“And we're supposed to be the greatest witch and wizard of our time. We're quite daft don't you think?” She gave me a bright warm smile.

“Well we're here now.” She leaned forward and kissed me. A long awaited kiss that was to be replayed over and over again in our future together.

(Ron/Ginny)

Their eyes are roaming, and we compose ourselves seconds before they're on us. We smile up at them and they return it. We beam at them because that's what they wanted. That's what they needed. We gave them our silent approval and we gave them our support with each other. It's not us they want, it's each other, and so we give them that smile. We're hollow inside and if we don't get out of here soon we just may die on the spot but we still smile. They are the loves of our lives and so we give them what they want, even if it hurts.

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4. Authors Note

Authors Note: Okay so, for some strange reason my account isn't letting me respond to any of your review. This was making me quite upset because I couldn't thank you all! But YAY! Now I can. So yes thank you thank you THANK YOU!!! Love you all terribly.

There a few people that had concerns with it but seriously I need this criticism so please no worries. I know there were a few mistakes and some of it probably didn't make sense. Like for example the whole they-finally-get-together-during-his-wedding-reception-to-another-woman thing. Yeah I know it's messed up but just allow me to explain myself a bit?

First with the mature Ginny and Ron thing. I know they're not usually portrayed this way but because I kind of killed Ron and kidnapped Ginny in my other stories I felt bad. Completely unrelated I know but don't forget they are also supposed to be grown up now.

Secondly, Ron's whole plot scheme? Some thought insanely genius, others thought wtf?! No matter how mature or grown-up Ron becomes in any type of story you just can't take away his dramatic reactions. I wanted to throw in a little of the over-acting-jealous Ron that we all know and sometimes love And I know that with Ron knowing he should've just talked to her about it but that would have meant he was accepting the fact that she does love Harry. I think, personally, if you are in love with someone and you know there is a strong chance they love someone else, you probably would be in some sort of denial.

Next on the list would be the whole they-finally-get-together-during-his-wedding-reception-to-another-woman thing. I know it's so not like them to hurt the Weasleys and it does seem irrational that they wouldn't have talked about it before the wedding, but yes the drama just adds appeal to the story and I couldn't ruin Ron's master plan. Technically, they (Harry and Ginny) haven't consummated their marriage yet so it's not even official yet ;)

Lastly, a few people have asked for an epilogue. I'm taking it into serious consideration. If I do, it might take a while because I have exams and I'm doing rugby over the summer. Odds are, I think I might. It would let me tighten up my numerous loose ends and hopefully give someone a smile

So thank you again! Everyone was amazingly nice, especially with all my mistakes and taking forever to upload. Again I'm sorry and I love you all

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