Harry Potter and The Bard

hrmny4etrnty2

Rating: PG13
Genres: Romance, Humor
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 7
Published: 12/04/2008
Last Updated: 12/04/2008
Status: completed

TOTAL PARODY! Harry Potter comedic take on Romeo and Juliet. Obsessed Ginny/Flirty, forward Hermione/Clueless Ron/Silly Harry

Chapters

1. Harry Potter and The Bard

1. Harry Potter and The Bard

A/N: Welcome, welcome, one and all! Welcome to my first (and possibly final) attempt at a Harry Potter parody of William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet. Originally, I wrote this piece (close to ten years ago) when I was going through my Nick Carter fan fiction stage. At that time it was called Not a Love Story. Since this is Harry Potter, I felt it deserved a classier name (*smiles proudly*).

I substituted a few things here and there (obviously), almost certainly made numerous mistakes, and should feel deep guilt about somewhat plagiarizing myself. This piece is meant to be a silly, possibly mindless, piece. I guarantee there will be plenty of things that don't make sense, but it's all meant as a joke. Laugh, jeer, and roll your eyes! But, most importantly, review (just be kind)!

Act 1

Things were bustling at The Three Broomsticks. Yes, people were celebrating the defeat of the Dark Lord by getting utterly smashed! Ginny Weasley walked into the party with her honey-of-the-moment, Draco Malfoy, and smoothed her dress down, wanting to look only the best for the man of her dreams. No, not Draco, Harry Potter. The couple made their way around the room, mingling here and there, until Ginny spotted him. There he stood, in the corner, talking with her brother, Ron. She excused herself and made her way over to the blonde. Thinking very hard, she is reminded of the words to a muggle play she once read.

*"Will you deny to dance?"

Harry didn't need to look up, knowing that annoying voice anywhere. But, he wasn't a complete git, so he at least made eye contact before shooting her down."Yep," he replied, continuing his conversation with Ron.

She grabs his hand. *"O, dear saint, let lips do what hands do."

"Um, let go of my hand," he said, shaking free of her grip.

“Geez, I thought Hermione was mental,” Ron commented quietly.

“But dearest Harry, the war has now been won. Our time together can once again resume!”

Harry looked around, wondering if someone was trying to play a joke on him. “Ginny, we - are - no - longer -- together,” he stated, making sure to pause between each word like he was talking to a child; hoping she would understand better if the words were spoken slowly.

“Oh, Harry, there's no need for the charade anymore.”

"Come on, Ron. We should find Hermione," Harry urged. They soon disappeared and she was no longer able to find him in the crowd of drunkards.

"I'll get you yet, my Boy-Who-Lived!" she vowed quietly.

Act 2 - The Balcony Scene

Ginny hauled herself over the security gate in front of Harry's house, falling to the ground below. "Ouch!" she whined. It seemed as though heavy duty wards weren't enough to keep crazed fan girls out of his place, so he invested in a gate as well. (Looks as though that didn't help much either). Looking around, she decided to go to the gazebo around back. She knew there was one since she had a private investigator snap some pictures of the house. Once by the gazebo, she saw the balcony of the second floor. Suddenly, she notices a light shining through a window of a second floor room. She takes cover below. *"But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?" Soon after she spoke those words, the silhouette of a young man forms in the window. *"It is the East, and Harry Potter is the sun! Arise, fair sun, and kill....oh Hufflepuff! What are the next lines?" While she is trying to remember the lines, the silhouette begins to remove his shirt. *"Cast it off!" He removes the shirt totally and steps away from the window. Soon, we see him appear on the balcony. *"It is my Harry Potter! O, it is my love! O that he knew he were!"

"Merlin, what a rough day I've had."

*"He speaks! O, speak again, my Boy-Who-Lived!"

"I need a damn break from the hoopla. What I really need is a good woman. Man, how long am I going to have to wait for love…and sex? Merlin, give me my sweet sexual reward and I will no longer be the Boy-Who-Lived."

*"Shall I listen to more, or shall I speak?"

"It's being the Boy-Who-Lived that's causing this cramp in my love life. I mean, who is the Boy-Who-Lived? He's a boy that studies magic, duals Death Eaters, fiercely loves his friends, and isn't given the opportunity to be a fierce lover to a woman he desires. For once though, let me be seen as an actual human being! So, if a woman would notice my lust and love, it would be for me and not my fame. Let me be normal so that she may love all of me."

Ginny dares to be wild. *"I'll take you at your word! Call me but love, and.....oh damn! Why do I keep forgetting the lines?" she whined.

His eyes squint, trying to identify the figure below. "Who in the hell is that and how did you get over the security gate?"

*"By a name I know not how to tell thee who I am.”

"Wait a sec! Oh hell! Is that Ginny, Ron's annoying little sister?"

*"Neither, fair Boy-Who-Lived, if either thee dislike."

"Why did you come here? My security gate is supposed to keep everyone out, especially you!"

*"With love's light wings did I climb over that gate. For security cannot hold love out, and what love can do…oh damn! Well, the security is no stop to me."

"You know, if Dobby sees you, he will bite you. I won't even try to stop him."

*"If thou doth love me, let him find me here. My life would be better ended by his hate than death…well, I don't want to suffer by not having you is what I'm trying to say."

"Look, you just want to date `The-Boy-Who-Lived' so you can try to get your family some money. Well, I'm tired of it all! I'm human, you know!"

*"Boy-Who-Lived, by yonder blessed moon I vow, that tips with silver all these fruit-tree tops."

"What the hell are you talking about? And why are you vowing?"

*"What shall I swear by?"

"Um, how about not swearing at all."

*"If my heart's dear love…"

"Will you just be quiet? Merlin, I came out here looking for peace and relaxation! I have no happiness in your visit here tonight. It's too weird, too creepy, too much like an obsession. I'm going to bed now."

*"O, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?"

"What? You expected me to just sleep with you tonight? Look, I'm desperate to lose my virginity, but not that desperate."

*"No, maybe the exchange of thy love's faithful vow for mine."

"Um, no! I'm only eighteen! I'm not ready for all that serious stuff yet."

*"Wouldst though withdraw it? For what purpose, love?"

"Because, I don't like you! And I'm not your love, so stop saying that!"

"Harry Potter, sir!" Dobby yelled.

"I have three words for you before I head to bed. Go - away - now. If you care anything about me, you'll leave me alone. You won't follow me, you won't bug me and you won't tell Rita Skeeter that we're dating!"

"Harry Potter, sir!" Dobby yelled once more.

"I'll be just a moment, Dobby!” He looked back down at the lunatic redhead. “If you keep doing this, I will gladly hex you."

"Harry Potter, sir!"

"I said I'll be right there!" He turned back to Ginny. "Now, go away."

"Wait! How about just one date? It couldn't hurt! You'll have fun, I promise!"

"Will it get you to shut up?"

A smile appears on her face. *"What o'clock tomorrow shall I send to thee?"

"What the hell?” Once again, he was puzzled by her odd words. “I'll meet you at The Three Broomsticks at 9:00 tomorrow night."

*"I will not fail. 'Tis twenty years till then. Good night, good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow. That I shall say good night till it be morrow."

"Um, yea, whatever you say." With that, Harry goes inside.

*"Sleep dwell upon thine eyes, peace in thy breast, would I were....oh bloody hell! I give up for tonight!"

Act 3 - The Quarrel

As the morning breaks, Ginny races to Hogwarts to discuss her latest predicament with her former school chum turned Professor, Neville Longbottom. "Good morrow…what do I call you now?"

"Ginny! You're still in your clothes from last night! Did you not ever go home?"

*"The last is true. The sweeter rest was mine."

Neville was puzzled by her awkward behavior, but played along. "Were you with Draco?"

*"With Draco? No. I have forgot that name and that name's woe."

"I knew it wouldn't take you long. It never does. So, where have you been then?"

"I have been with mine enemy!"

"Be plain, dear redhead."

"*Then plainly know my heart's dear love is set, on the raven Boy-Who-Lived that I have met. This is all I pray, that thou consent to marry us today."

Neville is taken off guard. *"Holy Saint Francis! What happened between last night and this morning? Is Draco, the one you stalked profusely, so soon forgotten? A Weasley's love then lies not truly in their hearts, but in their eyes."

*"I pray thee chide me not. Him I love now doth grace for grace and love for love allow. The other did not so."

"Harry feels the same way then?" he questioned suspiciously.

*"I pray thee chide me not."

"That's not really answering my question, but oh well. I'll be an assistant since one thing may come of this. May it turn the world of hate for the Weasley clan to pure love."

*"O, let us hence! I stand on sudden haste." She turns to leave and trips over the baptismal fountain.

"You klutz."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In Hogsmede, Ron and Dean Thomas are goofing around. We see Hermione Granger flicking her wand violently.

"Where in the hell is Harry?" she asks.

"Not at his house. I just spoke to Dobby." Ron commented, holding up his magic communication mirror.

"Hey, you guys!" Harry yelled, running up to the three friends. "I've got a big problem!"

"Yea, you weren't here on time!" Dean chimed in.

"Look, Ginny came to my house last night and wouldn't leave until I accepted her invitation for a date. What do I do now? I can't stand the girl!"

“Mate, that's my sister you're talking about,” Ron stated defensively.

“Yes, but she is quite annoying,” offered Dean.

“Yes, Ron, not even you are that daft to not notice,” chided Hermione.

“Very true,” Ron agreed.

"So, just don't show," Dean said.

Harry sat there, contemplating for a moment, then shook his head in agreement. "That sounds simple enough. Okay, what do you guys want to do tonight?"

Hermione sauntered up to him, a sexy smirk gracing her face. "Hang low at Ron's flat? No one knows where that's at because no one cares. He's only the sidekick.”

"Hey! People care! I just got the skills to keep it on the down low!"

"Whatever you say, Weasley,” she snickered. Quickly turning back to Harry, she dared to get closer. “You and I could…maybe try out the bed in the guestroom.”

Harry's eyes widened, his lips forming a stupid grin.

Out of nowhere, a Draco, Crabbe, and Goyle appear just a few feet away. Draco makes his way over to the group. *"Gentlemen, good day. A word with one of you." (Now we know where Ginny got it from....or maybe she taught Draco.)

"You want talk with one of us. Get out of here!" Dean laughed.

*"Dean, thou consortest with Harry."

"Consort? What the bloody hell are you talking about?"

*"Well sir, you're not my man. He is," Draco said, pointing to Harry.

"I'm not your man!" Harry screeched.

*"Harry, the love I bear thee can afford nor better term than this." Draco backs up and does a couple of Karate kicks. *"Thou art a villain!"

"Look, man, I know we put the Dark Lord to shame by killing him and all...." Draco lunges forward and punches Harry. "What the bloody hell? Are you nuts?"

*"Boy, this shall not excuse the injuries that thou hast done me!"

"I didn't do a damn thing to you!"

Draco lets out a huge sigh of confusion. "You've taken my only love! You've taken Ginny!"

"Ginny? I don't want Ginny! She came to me! You can have her! You can be the one to meet her at The Three Broomsticks tonight!"

"Man, lose the weird language shit and pull yourself together," Ron said, helping Harry up off the ground. "If you don't, we're really going to kick your asses in the next war.”

“There isn't going to be another war, Ronald,” Hermione huffed while rolling her eyes. Turning to Harry she whispered, “So, how does my plan sound?”

Harry's goofy grin returned. “I think its bloody brilliant!”

"Turn and draw!" Draco yelled.

"Screw off, man!" Dean yelled back.

"Turn and....oh hell. I might as well go see Ginny."

Act 4 - The Tragedy

Later, that night, Ginny is sitting in The Three Broomsticks. *"Give me my Boy-Who-Lived. And when I shall die, take him and cut him out in little stars and he will just make the face of heaven so totally fine that all the world will be in love with him like they are now and they will pay no attention to anything else." She looks at her watch and notices its 10:00. "Give me my Boy-Who-Lived, gentle night!" she whined.

Draco apparates outside of the pub and races inside to rescue Ginny. The conversation is heated. Ginny breaks down crying, leaving Draco to carry her out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ron and Dean are listening to the Wizard Wireless, utterly bored while Harry and Hermione are in the guest bedroom.

"Man, I never get tired of listening to Quidditch matches! They're the best," Ron cheered.

"Whoa! Listen to the news break," Dean noted.

Their ears tried desperately to listen to the broadcast, finding it quite difficult what with the screams and moans coming from the guestroom. From what Ron and Dean could make out, two young people were outside of the Ministry of Magic, threatening suicide if anyone came closer.

"Hey, they mentioned it was a redhead and blonde," Dean said, surprised.

"Hey, let's go down there and check it out," Ron rooted, already heading towards the door.

Dean stared at him quizzically. “Um, are you daft?” Ron blinked at him, not understanding. Dean continued on, “I think they're talking about your sister and Malfoy!”

“Bloody hell, mom will kill me if her only daughter is seen publically with Draco!”

“Um, Ron, they've been dating for at least a month now. She was using him to pass the time until Harry came back.”

“Really?” Ron seemed shocked, but still completely clueless.

“I'll go get Harry and Hermione. They've been quiet for at least five minutes, so I think it's safe.”

“Yeah, make sure there aren't any more spiders,” Ron urged.

“Spiders?”

“Yes, Harry and Hermione were in there killing spiders for me. Aren't they great friends? I just wish I would've known how scared they were. With all the screaming that went on, I'll be lucky if I don't get kicked out of here.”

Dean shook his head and walked away, feeling a bit stupider than before having the conversation.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Once they arrived, Aurors were everywhere, surrounding the building. The four friends took a closer look and saw that it was definitely the deranged, odd-speaking, duo.

"What the hell are they doing?" Harry asked.

Ginny looked over the crowed, spotting Harry. "Oh, it is my Boy-Who-Lived, it is my love!"

Harry groaned. "I'm not your damn love! I just shagged Hermione nine ways till Sunday and loved it!"

"Don't talk that way to her!" Draco shouted. "We're going to go to a place where she can be mine forever!"

"Good for you, bud. You do that," Dean chuckled.

Hermione saw the bottle in Draco's hand. "Robitusson? They're going to off themselves with a muggle medication overdose? The most they'll do is trip on that stuff!"

"Don't make us do it!" Draco yelled, not paying attention to anything else around him.

That was all the time the Aurors needed. They quickly made their way up the steps and cuffed both of them.

Act 5 - The Epilogue

The next morning, Hermione read the breaking news story to the three boys. "Both young people were taken to the St. Mungos where they will be held for observation. Doctors wonder if the magical world was maybe just a little too much for these two to take."

Dean watched as Hermione put the copy of The Prophet down on the table, glancing around the room at the quiet bunch. *"A glooming peace this morning with it brings: The sun for sorrow will not show his head. Go hence, to have more talk of these sad things. Some shall be pardoned, some punished, for never was a story of more woe than this of Ginny and her Wizard Beau."

"Dude! I didn't even like her!" Harry pleaded in defense.

Hermione put her hand in his thigh, rubbing it slowly. “Want to go in the guestroom?”

“Okay,” he smiled anxiously.

“Yeah, you two make sure all those spiders are dead!” Ron yelled at the two retreating figures.

THE END

* = Either some or all of the text was taken from "William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet"

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