Lift-Side Chats

cosmopolitan411

Rating: PG13
Genres: Angst, Romance
Relationships: Lily & James
Book: Lily & James, Books 1 - 7
Published: 24/04/2008
Last Updated: 08/06/2008
Status: completed

the best way of realizing any relationship woes can come through the simple act of just getting yourself stuck in an elevator with your partner and forcing them to talk to you

Chapters

1. Believe

2. This Is Not the End

3. Every Word Is a Knife in My Ear

4. Bad Sun

5. Time Won't Let Me Go

6. Tragedy Bound

7. Fistful of Sand

8. Angelina

9. Split Me Wide Open

10. Above and Below

11. The Ocean

12. Not Tonight

1. Believe

Disclaimer: yeah, I totally would have offed Harry; does that answer your question?

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Lift-Side Chats

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Summary: the best way of realizing any relationship woes can come through the simple act of just getting yourself stuck in an elevator with your partner and forcing them to talk to you

A piece inspired by The Bravery's CD “The Sun and the Moon”

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Chapter I: Believe

Song: Belive by The Bravery

--

The faces all around me they don't smile they just crack
Waiting for our ship to come but our ships not coming back
We do have time like pennies in a jar
What are we saving for

There's a smell of stale feeling that's drinking from my skins
The drinking never stops because the drinks absolve our sins
We sit and throw our roots into the floor
What are we waiting for

--

20 July 1980

20…

She was a bundle of nerves as she intently stared at the bar above the doors of the lift, watching as they slowly made their way towards fifty, praying for them to just get there already.

30…

She was well on her way to a nervous breakdown, already second-guessing her choice and whether or not she really actually even had the guts to go through with it.

41…

She was suddenly hit with the thought that she would most probably be forced to see him, to talk to him after one moth without so much as a word uttered from either party.

`This was all so wrong,' she thought to herself with a devastated groan.

47…

She then realized that he might ask her why she was doing this—and she didn't really know if she had a proper answer for that one. Should she head back “home” until she figured that one out and come back at a more convenient time.

Better safe than sorry, right?

Right?

49…

It was official, she really didn't deserve to be called the gutsy spitfire that people so often classified her as—obviously, if this pathetic display was any indication, she was anything but.

50…

Yet, somehow, despite all of that she still managed to just get away with letting out a deep breath as she exited the lift. She managed to make a move towards trying to maintain that courage that she had finally, by some divine miracle that was totally beyond her, been able to muster earlier that morning. Still though, she couldn't stop the apparently uncontrollable nervous shaking of her hands as she walked towards the secretary.

At five paces away from the woman she couldn't help but stop mid-step, there was just something so horribly wrong about it all, but despite that she felt compelled to do it. Her mind and her heart were pulling her in two separate directions and she couldn't make up her mind, at times it felt like her mind was winning, but then at the most importunate times, such as now, her heart made a valiant effort that seemed to destruct any progress she had made.

She sucked in a deep breath of air as she forced herself to take another step towards what she knew was the right direction, even if her heart didn't believe it to be so.

“Mrs. Potter,” the secretary, Alison, greeted her, a distinct undertone of surprise evident in her voice. Apparently, she wasn't totally ignorant as to the on goings of Lily's life, figures that James would tell her. “I'm afraid that your husband is at a meeting right now, but he should be back in a few minutes if you'd like to wait-”

“No,” Lily quickly interrupted her; all the while understandably grateful for the opening that the secretary had given her and the apparent bout of luck with karma that she was having that day. “That's okay, I just need to drop off this envelope—I'll just leave it in his office,” she told her, tightly smiling at the girl before quickly making her way into James's office.

When she entered the room she couldn't help but scoff at the sty that she had entered. Typical James, papers strewn about everywhere in sight—and that from a bloody CEO of a company, he really just needed to grow up and gain some sense of organization skills. Suddenly, upon remembering the time constraints that Alison had made note of, she quickly made her way towards his desk and stuffed the envelope on top of a pile of papers that were resting on top of it—only question was when the slob would find it in that mess.

Quickly ridding herself of the thought that was sure to have her going off on a tangent she made her way out of the office, waving a quick goodbye to Alison as she rushed towards the lift, praying for the Gods to continue protecting her and save her from running into anymore people she knew.

After only a few minutes of waiting and the doors opening to an empty lift she couldn't help but breathe a sigh of relief as she made her way through the open doors, pressing the button for the lobby. She leaned back onto the walls of the lift, closing her eyes as she tried to keep the tears at bay, as she waited for the doors to close so she could finally break down, let he emotions go throughout the fifty story elevator ride that was awaiting her—an ample amount of time to wallow and recollect herself.

Just as the doors were closing, however, the Gods proved that they could be just as cruel as they could be kind. A stack of papers wedged themselves between the doors just before they totally closed, forcing them to reopen to the sight of a clearly baffled and angry wizard.

“James,” she managed to whisper as he made his way onto the lift, immediately pressing the close doors button with such force that she was shocked by the fact that he didn't break the button. “What—what are you doing here?”

He stared her down coldly. “What is this?” he exclaimed as he raised the pile of, now ruined, papers so that they were in her line of vision.

“Those were our divorce papers,” she answered blandly, well aware of the fact that she was probably grating on his nerves because of that response, but, somehow, she didn't care—no, that was a lie, she did, she relished the fact that she was annoying him.

He rolled his eyes, emitting a slight growl that was almost feral as he heard the cutting response. “I figured as much, my question is more along the lines of why the hell did you bring these?!”

“Because I want a divorce?” she ventured, well aware of the fact that she was entering very shaky territory at her own, admittedly incredibly stupid, risk.

“Damn it Lily!” he barked as he hit the stop button on the pulley. “How the hell do you think it felt to have my secretary tell me that you dropped something off just seconds before I arrived? How do you think it felt to see this, of all things, lying on my desk?!” he asked her with obvious disgust at the memory.

“James, you have to understand that-”

“Don't—don't try to calm me Lils,” he interrupted her with a snarl. “Merlin, how the hell can you even just give up like this—I thought that you were stronger than that!”

“Me?” she scoffed, an anger quickly rising within her at hearing him say those words. “I'm the one that's giving up here James, really? Do you honestly want to play that card here? Because, to tell you the truth—if memory serves me right—you're the one that left our marriage far before I ever decided to even make it official.”

“Listen, I know we've had our problems, but-”

“Problems?” she asked with a condescending laugh. “Is that what you've taken to calling them now?” she shrieked, her entire body practically pulsing with anger as she felt her animosity towards him throughout the past year culminating in a slow rumbling within her that was just waiting to explode.

“Well what else can I call them then?!”

She couldn't help but recoil slightly at that retort. She stared at him, speechless for a moment as she was left without a retort.

The truth was that despite it all she didn't know what to call it anymore; it was all just so blah right now. It felt as if all those bad memories were meshed together in a collage of recollections of lonely nights and lonelier days.

“Nothing,” she told him in a broken voice. “There is no word for it because the truth is that we haven't been together enough this past year for it to even be problems. There was nothing to fight about—nothing to talk about… there hasn't been an us in a long time now.”

“That's not true,” he protested.

“But isn't it?” she challenged him.

“Bloody hell, you're one to talk Lily—moving out without any warning, without even giving me any indication as to where you were, and then suddenly showing up like this to give me these bloody things. And, even then, you don't come and confront me about it. You're as much to fault as I am,” he accused her, pointing a finger in her face in an accusatory manner.

“Oh that is so typical of you, you can't dispute the fact so you blame it one me?! I learned from you, you bastard. Like I said, you left this relationship long ago James, I just followed suit—made it official, if you will. I won't ever let myself be just some bloody society wife for you; I won't be in a relationship where I'm ignored, I deserve better than that James!”

It was odd, really—the way that suddenly, out of nowhere and without any indication at all, he seemed to calm down. Everything about him changed—from his facial features to his stance to the way that he wasn't glaring at her anymore. He looked broken—and, somehow, Lily couldn't help but revel in that, enjoy the fact that she was finally able to instill some sense of something, some emotion in him, after having spent so long with the cold, emotionless James that she'd come to despise.

“I don't ignore you,” he managed to choke out, a tone that perfectly matching everything about his deportment.

Still though, she couldn't help, but guffaw at that reply. “You don't? Well then what the hell do you call the fact that you'd rather sleep in your bloody office than come home to me just because it's more convenient? What the hell do you call the fact that you've been home a total of seven months in the past year between all those damn business trips of yours? You've become the classic society husband James—we don't even know each other anymore.”

“That isn't fair-”

“then what is it James because, honestly, it sounds like a perfectly reasonable accusation given everything that's gone on—or, better yet, hasn't gone on between us lately!”

“If you'd just believe in this-”

She rolled her eyes. “What do you think I've been trying to do? I just can't live like this, James, too much has gone on between us, too much has fallen apart.”

He sighed as he leaned on the wall opposite to her, letting his weight slowly fall onto the ground. “Where did it all go so wrong?”

She shrugged as she followed his lead by taking a seat on the ground, only she couldn't quite slide down the wall as he had been able to given how tight her pencil skirt was so she had to opt for slowly lowering herself onto the ground.

“Along time ago I suppose—it's why we never noticed it, it came on so slowly, a culmination of everything.”

“There has to be a chance though,” he persisted, still holding onto that infallible hope of his, despite how broken he might have felt and appeared to be.

She shook her head slowly. “I don't think there is—not anymore.”

“I can't let it go like that, you know me Lils. I'm just not that sort of bloke, I still believe in us.”

She smiled softy as she wiped away a stray tear that started to make it's way down her cheek. “I wish I had something to keep on believing—breathing for like that, but it's just not there anymore.”

He nodded slowly as the full effect of her words hit him. “Can—can we just sit here a bit and talk. I—I, at least, need some closure. Is that okay?” he timidly asked her, almost as if afraid of her—a thought that struck such a powerful chord with her, she couldn't help but be shocked by the influence he could still have on her despite everything that had gone on between them.

“Okay.”

--

So give me something to believe
Cause I am living just to breathe
And I need something more
To keep on breathing for
So give me something to believe

--

Author's note: hope you liked it and, please, feel free to leave any comments or critiques you may have about it.

Also, if anyone would like to be my beta I'd really appreciate it. What I really need in a beta is someone that can recognize typos as, admittedly, I have quite a few problems with that one. Also, I need someone who can critique my work, just tell me what sucks, what works, and what doesn't work. I don't do well with a simple `love it.' lol.

Thank you for reading!

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2. This Is Not the End

Chapter II: This Is Not the End

Song: This is Not the End by The Bravery

--

Tell me
Come on tell me what you can
Even as you wait for death your wiser than I am
Tell me what does it mean to exist
I am not a scientist I must believe there's more than this
And I can not accept
That everything that's real
Is only what our eyes can see
And our hands can feel

Not even earth can hold us
Not even life controls us
Not even the ground can keep us down
The memories in my head
Are just as real as the time we spent
You'll always be close to me
My friend
This is not the end

--

20 July 1980

“So…”

He raised his head, from his hands, to look at her; a wry smile alleviating the marred countenance that had previously overtook his face. “So…”

She let out a soft breath of a laugh at his response. “You know I hate it when you do that.”

He shrugged, “Don't really know what else to do anymore, to tell you the truth.”

She nodded slowly, “Can I ask you something?”

“Anything.”

“Do—do you think we ever really stood a chance, or was it just meant for failure?”

“Our marriage?”

She nodded.

“No—I doubt it was ever meant to end up as screwed up as it did. And I won't ever believe that it was. Despite what you might think I still honestly believe that we're perfect for one another—that we didn't make a mistake in marrying each other.”

A small smile tugged at her lips, “I don't regret it, you know.”

“Then why end it?”

She shrugged, “I'm just—I'm tired of fighting, of crying.”

“I—I never wanted to hurt you.”

“I know, and I didn't want to hurt you either. I guess, in the end though, none of that really mattered. We still did it anyway, didn't we?”

He groaned, “Where did it go wrong Lily? What the hell happened? How did we even get here?”

“We didn't realize that sometimes love isn't enough—you can't just stop nurturing it, we took the easy way out, I guess.”

“But what happened, we used to be happy—we were amazing together,” he persisted, relentlessly searching for an answer. Desperate to find some solution, some logical reasoning behind how it all went to hell—he needed it.

“Sometimes there's not a how or when—there's just an 'it did.'”

He shook his head adamantly, “I won't accept that Lily—I just won't. Not with you.”

“Then what do you need from me James?”

“I need to know why you gave up on us. The whole story, everything.

“There was no when-”

“-or where,” he finished for her. “Yeah, I got that. But if you're going to put me through hell like this Lils, I'm taking you down with me. Now talk.”

“About what?” she exclaimed. “What could I possibly say to make any of this any easier James?”

“Just talk,” he told her, shrugging slightly as he made the simple request.

“What about?”

“Us.”

She let out a deep sigh as she nodded slowly. “Okay… let's start from the beginning then.”

--

I see
I can see you're still afraid
Weathered like the silver moon, on you even fear looks good
I wish, I wish I had some words to give
But all that I can think to say
Is I'll be with you everyday

--

15 June 1975

“Do you like cheese?” you had suddenly burst out. The two of us were at that posh little Italian place with the amazing manicotti—remember that one?

It was hilarious to watch you fiddling with that napkin on your lap so nervously. How you actually spilled your water when you tried to take a sip of it—I honestly thought Sirius had pulled a prank on you or something by charming it to cause you to dribble as you drank. Imagine my surprise when I realized that it wasn't him. Nope, it had been all you. The bloke that I was in love with was incapable of drinking from a glass properly.

“Nope, not really that big of a fan of it—too strong for me. I tend to be picky about it when I eat it,” I answered honestly. I couldn't help but eye you a bit wearily as I said the words—there was just something so off about it all. I kept on asking myself where was my James—that self-assured, cocky bastard?

“Oh.”

“May I ask why you felt compelled to ask me that?”

“Remus always said that it's a great conversation starter,” was your explanation.

I stared at you blankly; my jaw even went slack at hearing that response. “Well it didn't seem to work all that well for us.”

“No, it didn't, did it?” you asked, as if realization of the fact finally dawned upon you—it was quite pathetic really.

“Ever think that it might just be a joke?” I offered, trying to bite back a smile at your naivety. It was quite cute, really.

“That… that might make a bit more sense.” you slowly agreed.

I couldn't help but snigger at the extent of your idiocy sometimes. “What's going on James? Because this—this is really getting ridiculous.”

“I'm nervous,” you blurted out awkwardly.

“Somehow I managed to notice that,” I tried to break that one to you as lightly as I could—it was really hard to hold back the laughter as I spoke. “Only question now is why.”

You let out such a deep sigh, it was rather pathetic. You just looked so defeated, hopeless.

“I wanted to do something original, you know. I even had all of these ideas, and almost done it on numerous occasions, like when I took you on that hot air balloon when we were in Corsica last month, but somehow I never seem to be able to man up and just do it. Lils… I love—” you stuttered, and even though I could tell what was coming, when you actually uttered those next four words I couldn't help but stop breathing in my state of surprise nonetheless. “Will you marry me?”

I nodded slowly, a small smile gracing my face as you took out the perfect ring, a simple diamond set in a white gold band. It wasn't one of those horribly ostentatious things that I always like to mock or anything, it was perfect. I remember thinking how well you knew me. Far better than I had ever realized too.

“I promise to try not to muck things up too often from now on,” you had promised me, attempting to put the ring on me. “Even if it did take me about fifteen attempts to finally as you…” you added.

“It's okay,” I managed to choke out as I bit my lip shyly. “I always found all of your little screw ups quite endearing. And I'm used to putting up with your shit by now anyway.”

--

I don't care
I don't care what you believe
As long as you are in my heart
You're just as real as me
Maybe
Maybe even more
Someone who's touched so many lives
can never, ever die

--

20 July 1980

“Bloody hell that night was horrible for me,” he admitted, emitting a soft chuckle.

“You know, oddly enough—I loved you like that. It made me feel as if there weren't any pretenses, it was just you and me. It felt like I could finally really see you. And it helped me realize that you really did love me, just as much as I did you,” she confessed.

“It was always you Lils, despite my mucking things up on numerous occasions. It was only ever you for me,” he promised her.

She smiled shyly as she felt a hot heat spreading through her face upon hearing those words. “Same for me, James.”

“Then how can you just leave, why won't you fight for us Lils. I love you—I need you, here you are just throwing away everything that we've worked so hard for. We've all made our fair share of mistakes throughout this relationship, but we can move on, so long as it's you and me it's possible, you remember that, don't you?”

She smiled softly, shaking with tears that were quickly beginning to overtake her. “You promised me,” she sniffled, “the night before our wedding that I would never have to worry about us, that we were unbreakable.”

He nodded as he slowly moved off his seat across from her and crawled towards her side of the lift, touching a hand to her cheek as he wiped away a tear. “It still holds true Lils, so long as you believe it.”

“But I can't James, not anymore,” she whispered.

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3. Every Word Is a Knife in My Ear

Chapter III: Every Word Is a Knife in My Ear

Song: Every Word Is a Knife in My Ear by the Bravery

--

Every word from your mouth is a knife in my ear
Every thought in your head is like poison to hear

Like a snake in a suit spitting into the air
With a tongue like a needle and we're shot full of fear
White picket teeth and a big red alert
The life of the party and we pulled up our skirt

It's like poison
It's like poison

--

20 July 1980

James groaned as the two sat, quietly staring at the lift's ceiling. It really was a rather pathetic sight. “We can't just let it be a mute point-”

“Moot, James, moot,” she corrected him with a small smile.

He groaned, “Oh fuck it. I was never good at remembering those ruddy muggle sayings.”

She let out a chuckle, despite herself, at his aggravation over it. “It's okay; I always did appreciate the effort that you put into immersing yourself in muggle culture.”

He shrugged, “It was a part of you. And it felt like the right thing to do, even if I never fully achieved my goal.”

“If it's any consolation, you did to a certain extent,” she offered.

He snorted, “Now you're just being nice.”

She giggled, “Okay, so maybe that was a bit of a stretch seeing as you actually said mute point just now.”

“I'm never going to live that one down, am I?”

She shook her head, “Afraid not, love.”

He laughed as he turned to fully look at her. Moving his hand slowly towards her own, before finally allowing himself to grasp it, his nimble fingers immediately making work of lacing themselves with her own.

The act, however, was short-lived as she immediately drew her hand away from his— something that took them both by surprise as she'd never been one to pull away from him. It was so automatic, a thoughtless action that, to Lily's great shock, felt almost natural—innate.

“I'm sorry… I just can't,” she muttered, turning her head so she wouldn't have to be under his piercing gaze. The one that always seemed to strip her of everything, leave her feeling so utterly naked, as if she had no secrets.

“How did it get to this Lils? You saw us just now; it was just like old times-”

“No,” she firmly interrupted him. “No, it wasn't James. It was fake, it wasn't just like before because the truth is that we don't even know each other anymore. No matter how much we may pose or pretend that we do, we don`t.”

“That's not true,” he adamantly argued.

She sighed, “How is it that we always end up fighting like this?”

“You're asking for a divorce! Of course I'm going to put up an argument,” he deadpanned. He stared at her dumbly, and was slightly shaken by the fact that she had asked such an obvious question. “Surely you didn't expect me to just take that lying down?”

She just shrugged.

“Lily-”

“Don't—don't Lily me, James. You know how I hate it,” she told him in a pained voice.

“And I hate how you brush me off, but we don't always get what we want, do we now?”

“Oh you always manage to turn everything on me, don't you?!”

He rolled his eyes, “Don't be stupid Lily, that wasn't even my intention this time.”

“Operative words being this time,” she noted, poking at his chest to further emphasize her point, even though she knew he hated it. He had a surprisingly low threshold for pain—one that he made a note of never apologizing for but, instead, prided himself on.

“Don't do that,” he whined. “You know I hate it when you do.”

“Why do you think I did it?” she challenged, huffing slightly at the extent of his idiocy.

“Do you have your period because, really-”

“James!” she hissed, slapping him upside the head.

“Well what am I supposed to think when you're acting all pissy like this?”

She rolled her eyes, biting back a smile at his words—somehow there was something undeniably charming about him even when he was acting like a total arse.

They sat in silence. It was neither comfortable, nor uncomfortable, but an awkward medium between the two; leaving both Lily and James more confused as to what the next step should be. There was something foreign about the mood that left them ill at ease as they each tried, very gauchely so, to try to make a step towards escaping that daunting silence.

Luckily for Lily, James made the first move.

“When did things change?” he asked in a soft whisper that she strained to hear.

“You know, I've asked myself that a lot over the past few months—trying to pin point the exact day, but I just can't seem to ever come up with an answer,” she admitted with a wry, pained smile.

“Then what was the catalyst? I just—I need to know where it all began, at least have some semblance of an idea. I need to know what went wrong so that I can fix it.”

She sent him a pained look, unable to wince at hearing his words. “James… you can't just fix everything, some things are beyond repair.”

“I won't believe that, it can't be true—not for us Lils,” he stubbornly told her.

She couldn't help but curse the fact that the thing that had always attracted her to him, his undying diligence and loyalty, was what was screwing her over now.

“If I have to sit here,” he continued, “and have you tell me that you want out, then I'm going to get some answers as to what started all this.”

She nodded slowly. “It's hard though… To just revisit the past like that. That's a lot of pain being unearthed.”

“Maybe that's what I need to hear> Besides I'd take a gander at the fact that being left without any answers is a hell of a lot worse of a fate.”

She nodded.

--

Every word from your mouth is a knife in my ear
Every thought in your head is like poison to hear

A fool is a devil and a devil's a fool
With a fork-tongue needle and you got us all fooled
A monkey doing tricks and we couldn't resist
If this isn't evil then I don't know what is

It's like poison
It's like poison

--

21 December 1977

“James don't let it get to you,” I told you as I sat behind you, my legs encircling your own as I comfortingly rubbed your shoulders. I was desperately trying to ease away the tension—both within you and the physical one from the strain you had been constantly putting upon yourself lately.

“How am I not supposed to Lily?! Look at this,” you growled as you threw a slew of old newspapers onto the bed.

“They don't know what they're talking about, take my word for it.”

“But they do. Regardless of the fact that they're just some bloody gossip magazines or pointless articles written by some half-ass writers, I can't deny that it's true. Everything about it is spot on-”

“No it's not, you're not just some idiotic CEO,” I protested. “You didn't just step into your father's position and do nothing.”

“What have I done Lily? I haven't made any real changes to the firm, just a few things with marketing or product dispersal. They have a point when they call me a useless, overly paid head.”

I sighed, stopping my movements on you, and instead using my hands to rub at my face. Maybe I could rub away the frustration I was having with you at the moment. “What do you want me to tell you, James? Obviously you won't believe a word of what I'm saying so why don't you just tell me what you want to hear, you stubborn arse!”

You paused for a second, that movement—or lack thereof—scared me. I didn't know what to expect. I was so scared that I had hurt you, or offended you, especially with everything that you were going through.

“I—I've been considering branching out into the muggle world. Maybe opening new branches to expand on communications there,” you timidly admitted, as if afraid that maybe I would tell you that it was the stupidest idea ever.

Your faith in me was so overwhelming by the way.

I could tell that it took you by surprise when I let out a small chuckle. “That's a great idea James! I really think you should go for it. That'd really help show them what idiots they are,” I assured you, comfortingly squeezing your shoulder to show you that I really was behind you on this venture.

“So—so you really think it's a good plan.”

“No, I think it's great, James. There's no other company out there that's affiliated with both the muggle and wizarding world. So who better to be a first one than a communications one?”

You raised a hand slowly, almost shyly, and placed it atop of mine, which was rested on your shoulder, squeezing it in thanks.

--

Every word from your mouth is a knife in my ear
every thought in your head is like poison to hear

every word from your mouth is a knife in my ear

--

20 July 1980

“I was so scared that you'd tell me off, or call me an idiot,” James admitted.

Lily giggled lightly, shyly covering her mouth with her hand. “I know, I could tell that you were practically shaking with trepidation. It was rather pathetic to see that from the great James Potter, you know.”

He chuckled, and he cocked his head to the side a bit. “But why did you chose that memory? It seemed like a rather happy one to me.”

“Yeah, it was, it should have been, but what it's associated with isn't quite as happy,” she dimly admitted.

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4. Bad Sun

Chapter IV: Bad Sun

Song: Bad Sun by The Bravery

--

We are lies like the summertime
Like the spring we are such fools
Like fall we are false prophets
Like winter we are cruel

I don't know what's wrong with us
They just made us this way
There's a hole in you and me
That pulls us together

--

20 July 1980

“You were so dedicated to it, and I truly did adore that about you; your constant diligence I mean,” she explained as an afterthought. “But… I don't know. After a while it felt like I wasn't a part of your life anymore.”

At hearing those words he moved his hand toward hers, which was lying near his, in an attempt to comfort her. “You always came first, Lils. I would never choose work over you.”

“But that's the thing, you may not have realized it but you did. In the end, it felt like there was no room for me in your life. Hell, I even toyed with the idea that you might have been having an affair-”

His eyes widened at the admission, “I'd never-”

“But you did. In some sort of horribly twisted way, you did. I may have been stupid to think that there was another woman, but the truth is that in a way you did have an affair, didn't you? It was always work before me, and that's the worst part, I came second to this intimate thing,” she said, spitting out the last word.

The amount of disgust and repulsion that was laced with her words took him off guard. He was startled at how hostile she was, or had been, toward his work.

How much had gone on, just under his nose? How much had passed that he'd been totally oblivious to, or made himself totally oblivious to?

“I—I didn't mean for it to seem that way,” he finally managed to choke out, unable to give her any better explanation. A fact that he couldn't help but hate himself for.

She nodded, “I know.”

“I never wanted to hurt-”

“I know, James, it just ends up that way sometimes.”

“Yeah, I guess so,” he said, more so just for the sake of saying something than anything else.

They sat in silence, both thinking over all the things that had gone on. A change that should have been a great step for both their relationship, and James's company, had actually lead them to trouble. It was a horrifying realization.

“You know we could always solve this by shagging, that always worked for us before,” he offered, clearly joking, despite the grain of truth that there was to his words.

“You're incorrigible!' she shrieked, a small smile tugging on her lips as she spoke.

“No, love, I'm just a bloke,” he corrected her with a small wink.

“You're such an arse.”

“You used to say that that was endearing,” he told her with a sheepish grin.

“Not now,” she teased him, but somehow, regardless of the fact that the conversation came off as so lighthearted, there was this underlying, indescribable weight to it—one that both parties felt, and paid for dearly.

“Nice to know.”

She nodded.

“I'm getting very tired of you just nodding, you know?”

She shrugged. “I don't really know what else to do. Honestly James, it's either start crying hysterically, or just sit here and bob my head to no end,” she admitted with a blush. She really hadn't been intending to confess some of her misgivings; and the fact that she had took her totally by surprise.

“Nice options you've got there,” he wryly commented.

“I like to think so,” she told him with a wry smile as she fiddled with the hem of her skirt, anything to divert her attention from him.

“It feels weird. You know…?”

“Yeah.”

“It's odd because I've never had a problem talking to you before,” he admitted. “But suddenly, it feels as if I have to constantly second guess myself with you-”

“That wasn't my intent-”

“I know that it wasn't you intention, but sometimes that's just how it ends up, you know?” he told her, staring down at his hands, which were resting in his lap.

“I feel it too,” she quietly confessed.

“It shouldn't be like this though.”

“I know, that's why I think we need to separate, James. Obviously too much time has passed. We're just not comfortable with one another anymore.”

“But we can be,” he protested.

She shook her head slowly, wiping away a stray tear as she spoke, “Sometimes it just hurts too much to fight anymore.”

“But what if it's worth it?”

She shrugged. “You tell me James.”

He finally turned to look at her when hearing that response. Sending her a quizzical look he asked, “What do you mean?”

--

And I don't know where we belong
I think we grew under a bad sun
I know we're not like everyone
You and me we grew, under a bad sun

Every day you bring me pain
And we savor it like rain
We hold it on our tongues
Just like wine

--

5 March 1978

“No, don't you dare do that Sirius, I won't let you—not anymore,” I interrupted him.

“But Lils, come on, be a bit more reasonable. He's had a lot of stress on him lately-”

“No!” I cried. “I'm so tired of this Sirius. I come to these bloody things because of him—because I know he needs me to do this for contacting and all that other shit, but I'm not sure how long I can do it! Especially without him. He's never around anymore, he's always off…”

“Don't start going down that road Lils, it's James. You know him, he'd never do that to you. The bloke is far too gone as far as you're concerned love,” he told her, gently rubbing her cheek with his thumb. “He loves you; he's just got his priorities a bit mucked up at the moment. Give him some time, you're his world Lily. He would never intentionally hurt you.”

“I just don't know how long I can wait around for him,” she sniffed.

“Are you really going to throw away a relationship that you've put so much work into? After going through all that shit to get to where you are, are you really just going to give up after that? Doesn't it seem kind of pointless, all because of a few bad months?”

I nodded slowly, wiping away the tears that were streaming down my face and had surely made a horrible mess of my mascara. “Okay—you're right. I just—I need to give it some time, right?”

“Yeah, you're James and Lily, nothing changes that fact.”

“Okay… I'll just—I'll wait it out then,” I decisively told him, taking the hand that he was offering me and let him take me home.

--

Someday back when we were young
I guess something just went wrong
the two of us are hung
from the same twisted rope

you and me we grew under a bad sun

--

20 July 1980

“I should have been there.”

“You should have been there a lot of times, James.”

He sighed. “Yeah… I'm starting to see that.”

-->

5. Time Won't Let Me Go

Chapter V: Time Won't Let Me Go

Song: Time Won't Let Me Go by the Bravery

--

Whenever I look back
On the best days of my life
I think I saw them all on T.V.
I am so homesick now for
Someone that I never knew
I am so homesick for
Someplace I will never be

--

20 July 1980

“There's a lot I didn't tell you. A lot that you missed out on over the past few years, James,” she admitted, keeping her eyes trained on her nervous hands.

He turned to her, raising an inquisitive eyebrow as he suspiciously asked her, “Like what?”

She bit her lip as she tried to avoid his suspicious gaze, she hated the whole Spanish Inquisition-esque turn that their conversation had taken on ever since they had gotten on that bloody lift. Talking was supposed to make things easier; it was supposed to be a therapeutic release of all those damning secrets, fears, and guilt that she had kept contained within her for so long. So why the hell did it feel more like torture than liberating?

“Psychologists are full of it, you know,” she suddenly burst out.

“What?”

She rolled her eyes. “I went to see a psychologist a while ago… you know, after everything with my parents, and she told me that talking to you would make things easier. That's a lie, in reality, it just feels like hell.”

“Well you haven't done any real talking yet Lils,” he noted.

“Yes I have,” she refuted.

“You admitted one thing—you're a red head, one that abides by the cliché no less. I'm sure that there is a lot more frustration in you that has to do with me, more that you could tell me.”

She shrugged.

“Just tell me Lils.”

“I—I don't want to hurt you though,” she admitted, not missing the paradoxical logic behind that statement.

“Hell, I'd say I probably deserve it—even if I might resent you for it at first. You know how I can be.”

“Yeah, that damn ego of yours,” she smiled softly.

“Exactly—now tell me something, anything. I hate this whole no talking thing we have going on here, if you want us to end it's going to take a lot more than just giving me some papers to get me to sign them. I want, at the very least, to have some sense of closure, to know what happened.”

She paused, continuing to pick at her nails—but moving on from her cuticles to chipping off the scarlet colored nail polish she had on from that manicure she got the day before. Logically speaking, it should have been a waste—but, as far as she was concerned, it was the best form of stress relief she had ever tried.

“There was this one thing last year…”

“What was it?” he asked her, almost cautiously—a fact that struck a chord with her. It just wasn't natural anymore. It was as if they were both walking on thin ice; afraid of the other—of what they might think, say.

Good God, how had it come to that?

“I had taken a shift as an on-the-field healer, and there was a small accident…”

“How small Lily?” he asked her through gritted teeth, quickly catching on to where she was going with that admission—a prospect that scared him to no end.

She shrugged.

“How small Lily?” he growled.

“I may have taken a curse for a trainee so that they wouldn't be hit by it…” she whispered so quietly that he actually had to strain to hear her.

He groaned, “Lily!—wait, why didn't I know about that?!”

“Well, see… that's where the story really starts.”

--

Time won't let me go
Time won't let me go
If I could do it all again
I'd go back and change everything
But time won't let me go

I never had a 'Summer of 69'
Never had a Cherry Valance of my own
All these precious moments
You promised me would come in time
So where was I when I missed mine?

--

9 January 1979

“Lils, he has a right to know,” Jason persisted, begging me to call you, to tell you what had happened.

I shook my head adamantly. “No,” I whimpered. “I just—I can't do it, I can't have him use work as an excuse not to come-”

“He wouldn't do that, he loves you, and as your best mate it's my duty to force you to call him you stubborn little bint,” he teased me.

I tried to smile—but, in all reality, it was a rather pathetic attempt that even I, who couldn't see it no less, knew looked more like a grimace than anything else. “I just—I can't take that risk, it's not worth it.”

“He wouldn't-”

I raised a hand to stop him. “Don't—don't make me do it Jason. I need whatever hope I have left; I want to hold onto that little grain of it. If—if he were to say that he needed to finish up a meeting first or something I'm not sure what I would do with myself. I need to be able to believe in him, at least for the sake of marriage. Try to understand, please. I just—I can't have my heart broken… not again.”

He shook his head slowly as he clenched his jaw, so obviously trying to restrain the urge to strangle me right then and there—I think that the only thing that stopped him was how utterly pathetic and weak I looked, sitting there in the critical injuries ward at St. Mungo's.

“You're making a mistake.”

“Probably,” I admitted with a nod. “But I'll be able to live with that. A what if is far better than a possible heartbreak.”

He sighed as he took my hand in his, squeezing it lightly. “You can't just live a lie like this forever Lils.”

“Maybe not, but for now it'll do—I'll wait it out.”

“You need to talk to him—sooner or later you'll need to confront him,” he told me.

“I just—I don't want him to feel trapped, for him to resent me later for holding him back… I mean, look at him. He's doing so well for himself, he's happier than I've ever seen him-”

“And you're more depressed than I've ever seen you.”

I winced at the truth behind that statement—having him actually vocalize that fact hurt far more than anything else. It just made it seem all the more real. “Small price to pay for love, right?”

“That's a trite and overrated saying; you know that as much as I do Lils.”

I shrugged. “Well, maybe there's some truth to it—maybe it's an oldie, but a goodie.”

“That was a horrible joke there,” he said in that always brutally honest manner of his.

“Yeah,” I admitted with a sigh, “I know, but it brings me the hope that I need.”

“You can't always live off of hope though—at some point you're finally going to have to face reality. Don't wait too long or you really will lose him Lils.”

“Maybe what he needs is time-”

Jason shook his head. “You're both so delusional, you know that? He doesn't see what he's doing to you and you don't see that you're letting him break both of your hearts. James has always been a bit ignorant to affairs of the heart; you should be leading him on this one, Lils. He loves you, he'd do anything for you. Sometimes, though, he just needs a little bit of direction,” he advised me with a crooked grin as he poked fun at out relationship.

My mouth twitched slightly, despite the morbid disposition that our conversation had taken on, there was an undeniable and charming truth to that statement.

“I want him to be happy, Jason, that's all I've ever wanted for him.”

“Have you ever noticed that he's only ever really happy when you are?”

--

If I could go back once again
I would change everything, yeah
If I could go back once again
I'd do it all so much better

Time won't let me go
Time won't let me go
If I could do it all again
I'd go back and change everything
But you won't ever let me go

--

20 July 1980

“I knew there was a reason why I always liked that bloke,” he muttered.

She scoffed at that statement. “Oh please, you always thought he was in love with me or something.”

“And I still do. But, you know, apart from that, I always thought he was a decent enough chap.”

She rolled her eyes. “You're such a liar.”

“And you're stubborn as hell,” he pointed out with a smirk, turning to look at her

“Tell me something new,” she waved him off with a small smile.

“Okay—how about, you should have called me. I would have been there, you know?”

“We all make choices, James, and that was mine.”

“I deserved to know.”

“Yeah, well we all deserved, and wanted a lot of things, doesn't mean we got them, does it?”

“Doesn't mean we can't change that either,” he retorted.

She groaned, “James-”

“Oh don't act as if you weren't expecting that, Lils. It's you, I'm not about to give up that easily. You should know that much at least.”

She sighed as she raised her hands to her face, slowly rubbing it in a desperate attempt to rid herself of the frustration she was feeling at the moment. It was a pathetic logic that, while admittedly irrational, worked for her, given the circumstances.

“I tried James, I tried to hold on. But I've met my breaking point. Why can't you understand that? Why does it always have to come back to this with you?”

“Because I love you,” he told her, bringing a hand to her chin, cupping it, gently goading her to turn to him. “We've been through far too much for it to end over something so stupid as my blindness.”

“Isn't it the little things that always make a difference though?”

“And aren't those always the ones that are easiest to change?” he challenged.

“That's what I thought—what I had hoped,” she admitted before tugging her face from his grasp, and returning her gaze to her lap.

He, on the other hand, just stared at her as she clenched her jaw, obliviously holding back a storm of anger that she would have once so easily unleashed upon him. A sad realization struck him as he become conscious of the fact that she no longer even wanted to yell at him. What the hell had happened to them?

-->

6. Tragedy Bound

Chapter VI: Tragedy Bound

Song: Tragedy Bound by The Bravery

--

Tragedy Bound
Looking for clues
I'm starting to suspect she likes abuse
I'm starting to feel like she doesn't feel
Is there anybody in there?

--

20 July 1980

“Why hasn't anyone made a move to start the lift again?” she suddenly asked him, finally making a move to interrupt the silence that had overtaken them.

He shrugged. “They probably checked who was in here and saw that it was me that stopped the ruddy thing.”

“Cameras?”

He nodded.

“I didn't know that this building had such a muggle influence,” she commented.

He shrugged. “Figure it should, given that I have dealings with them as well.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” he nodded.

They sat in silence, James staring at the designs on the wall opposite to them as Lily just kept her gaze fixed on her hands that were resting in her lap.

Lily sighed, biting her lip as she shifted in her seat in discomfort. Despite the fact that it was oddly comfortable just sitting on the floor of the lift, the mood of the place made her more and more ill at ease with every passing second. The only thing that could possibly make the whole experience any worse would be to have some God forsaken clock there just ticking loudly to add to her aggravation—she had always hated those blasted things.

“But surely there are other people that need to use this lift,” she suddenly burst out, desperate to leave behind that awkward hush that they had been sitting in for so long—or, at least, what felt like ages.

He shrugged again. “I own the blasted building, I'd say I'm fully entitled to reap whatever benefits there are from that,” he gruffly told her with a definite bitter undertone to his words. “Besides there are other lifts that the others can surely make do with.”

“You're an arse,” she said, almost cautiously teasing him, in a desperate attempt to leave that morbid atmosphere that they seemed to be trapped in.

“Yeah, well, I never really denied that fact—and, honestly, right about now I couldn't care less,” he basely told her with a distinct frown that was practically plastered onto his face given how deeply etched it was.

She nodded as she, for the first time on her own will, raised her head and looked at him. “James?”

He turned to face her. “Yeah?”

“I—I have to tell you something James, and… well—you probably won't like it…” she stumbled.

His eyebrows furrowed in confusion as he gave her a quizzical look. “What is it?” he testily asked her, slightly afraid of whatever admission it was that she was going to make.

She bit her lip lightly. “You know how a few years back you thought that Sirius or Remus played a prank on you by placing a reducto on mini-James?”

“Yeah…”

“Well there's a good reason as to why neither of them ever admitted to that one…”

His eyes widened as comprehension dawned upon him. “Lily, you—you didn't-”

“Afraid I did,” she admitted with a wince.

“But—but why would you do that? I thought you always said he was an invaluable member in you life.”

“Yeah, but he's more important to you than me,” she reasoned.

“Still what the hell made you want to do that?” he exclaimed, totally frazzled by the fact that she was the person who had forced him to spend five hours trying to undo a shrinking spell on his member.

“Well it was sort of spurned on by something else…”

--

Tragedy Bound
I feel sick
Her daddy was killed, her feelings were mixed
He wore a hole in her skin, now all the boys look in
Is there anybody in there?

--

12 July 1979

It was the first time I had seen you in a month since you had been away, working on a merger with some muggle telecommunications company. You had sent me a dress—a bloody floral thing that was so opposite from my style that I actually had to bite back the urge to gag at the mere sight of it—and asked me to meet you at the Caldwells' since you'd be taking a portkey straight there from wherever it was that you were. I don't know why, but I decided to go anyway—despite that horrid dress, despite the fact that you would rather go to a brunch than spend some quality time with me upon your return. I missed you and that was enough for me.

When I got there you gave me a peck on the cheek. A bloody peck on the cheek of all things. I wanted to slap you right then and there—what the hell could have possibly compelled you to greet me like that and expect me to take it lying down, I have no idea. What's worse, though, is that I actually did accept it—I let you do it and didn't say anything.

As we sat there, eating our salads—God, I hate salads, they're really much too green for my taste—and I realized something. It was like this sudden epiphany that hit me full force, out of nowhere but left such an impact on me nonetheless.

I realized, then, that we were everything that I'd ever hated. Looking at all of those cold and distant couples around us, I noticed that we were no longer the people that were on the outside looking in, but instead had somehow managed to immerse ourselves in that society to that point in which we had assimilated to it, become one of them. We no longer sent each other those secretive smile, had those private little jokes of ours, or even felt the compulsion to constantly somehow be touching the other—be it a hand on the small of my back or lacing our fingers together as we had always done in the past. We weren't Lily and James anymore, we were just two people that used to know one another long ago.

I got up from the table then, ignoring your questioning look as I left my seat, I apparated away. In reality, I only went to the gate—I just didn't want you to follow me, or have the chance to coerce me into returning, you always did have that hold over me.

When I got there I just started walking. I walked for hours on end, not really even sure of where I was going—or paying attention to the fact that I was in heels, somehow the discomfort from that or anything else just didn't exist. I was in my own world, perfectly oblivious to everything else.

I didn't stop when it started drizzling; I didn't even feel an urge to apparate back home when it started pouring. I just walked, letting my feet lead me wherever they wished.

In the end, I found myself at this little theatre that I had become increasingly fond of over the years—ever since I had found it two months after our wedding I visited it once a month to watch a film—I went in and watched Revenge of the Pink Panther. I didn't laugh once.

As I was exiting the theatre I found Remus and Sirius waiting, at the front entrance, for me.

“What are you doing here?” I asked.

“I figured you'd be here, know how much you love the place,” Remus admitted with a shrug.

“Did you tell-?”

“No,” Sirius assured me. “He's been sick with worry though, just so you know.”

“Over what the others will think?” I asked wryly, rolling my eyes as I let them lead me to Remus's car.

“Come on Lily, he loves you, you know that,” Remus told me as he put the keys in the ignition and a low rumbling was ignited by the engine—one that somehow just calmed me, it was odd, and a sound that I usually abhorred, but therapeutic nonetheless.

“I keep on trying to remember that one,” I muttered as Remus drove us to the manor while Sirius sat by me in the backseat, comfortingly rubbing my back the entire time.

--

All her life, she's bound to lose
Tragedy bound
If I met this man
What would I say? How could I speak
How could I speak

--

20 July 1980

“I wasn't worrying over what the others would think—just so you know,” he muttered, and as assuring as the words were meant to be there was an obvious undertone of frustration to it that made his aggravation more than clear.

“Not even a little bit?” she couldn't help but goad him.

“No!” he exclaimed, yelling at her for the first time in—well, ever. Throughout their entire relationship—the past fifteen years that they've known one another—he'd never once shouted, maybe raised his voice a bit, but it never came to that point. It was a daunting fact that scared Lily more than a little.

“I've fucked up a lot of things, and I'm willing to take responsibility for that fact Lils, but I won't have you belittle my feelings for you like that. That's something that I'll never be willing to accept—even from you.”

“Can't blame me for asking,” she said with a small, pained smile

“Want to bet?” he gruffly asked her with a distinct frown implanted onto his face.

“I—I didn't mean to offend you, you know? I just can't help but wonder at times—after all that we've been through, I can't help but question it sometimes,” she explained, the guilt quickly making work of her conscience.

“I'm sorry to hear that,” he told her—in a tone that was almost numb from how devoid of any emotion it was.

It scared her.

And the silence that accompanied it only aided in adding to her trepidation.

-->

7. Fistful of Sand

Chapter VII: Fistful of Sand

Song: Fistful of Sand by the Bravery

--

Every morning I wake up and you are home
But in your eyes I see that I'm alone
You've left me with your body in my arms
But I can't feel you anymore—You are gone

--

20 July 1980

“What are you thinking about?” she suddenly asked, using any available excuse to end their silence. She had never handled those uncomfortable moments very well—usually, she managed to come up with some awful, ill-timed joke that was completely inappropriate in her desperation to put an end to the uneasiness of it all. She thanked the gods for having come up with a far more fitting disruption that time.

“Just about how much I'd like a fire whiskey about now,” he admitted with a weak, tired grin.

She snorted. “Sounds like the perfect thing for this.”

“Yeah… shame that we don't actually have any with us,” he sighed. “What were you thinking about?”

“Nothing special,” came her monosyllabic reply.

He gave a deadpanned chuckle at the response. “I didn't know such a phrase even existed in your vernacular.”

“I'm a woman of many secrets and surprises,” she said with a wry smile and a small shrug—glad to deviate from the real topic at hand through whichever available tactics existed.

“And one who better fess up already because her husband is getting tired of all the bullshitting,” he told her in a tired face as he turned to face her, only to find her, naturally, staring everywhere but in his direction.

Damn. He really knew her far too well.

“It's not that big of a deal,” she sheepishly assured him—doing nothing to ease his conscience.

“Lils—please,” he begged her in that special way of his that could get her go through hell and back. It just wasn't fair that after everything he still managed to have such a hold over her.

--

I can touch your skin but you aren't there
Frustration burns in me, it's more than I can bear
I wanna take you in my fists and squeeze the life back into you
But there is nothing I can do - You are gone
And I can hold you in my hands
But you are gone, you are gone, you are gone

--

3 August 1979

You'd just come back from a trip, it was only about one in the morning when you stumbled into our bedroom. You were away for a week, but you still found a way to get pissed out of your mind on the flight that you took with Brodsky back to England. You didn't even think about the fact that I might want my James to come home to me rather than that drunken bloke who wakes me up in the middle of the night because he somehow always manages to walk into the door when trying to walk into the bedroom.

You really are a sight for sore eyes when pissed.

“Lily,” you sang out as you stumbled into bed. “Love, where are you?” you asked as you poked at the sheets, searching for me.

“I'm right here James.”

“Mmm… it's nice to see you again,” you muttered as you slowly leaned in.

I moved to side in the last second and you fell face foreword onto the bed.

You passed out after that.

--
You've slipped away like a fistful of sand
You are gone, you are gone, you are gone

I am staring straight into your eyes
You never turn away or tell me lies
But you are with some other man while I am lying next to you
And there is nothing I can do, you are gone

--

20 July 1980

“Okay, so I enjoyed a drink here and there, what does that have to do with anything Lily? I don't really get the connotation,” he divulged, cocking his head to the side as he considered what she had told him.

“I realized something that evening—after you passed out I couldn't sleep from all of your snoring, you really do have a horrible tendency to do that when you're pissed,” she commented as an after thought.

“Lils, you're going off on a tangent here,” he reminded her.

“0h, right,” she blushed. “Well, as I sat in bed, I was thinking about us and everything that we've been through—and, surely, still had to face—and I realized something rather disconcerting.”

“What?” he asked her when she trailed off, pausing after she said that—he was almost positive that she did it solely for dramatic effect. But, then again, it was possible that she was just considering whatever it was that had her so bent out of shape.

“I've never been the romantic type or anything-”

He interrupted her with a snort as he muttered something incoherent but sounded awfully similar to “that's the understatement of the year.”

Arse.

“Well I realized that the sex—it just wasn't the same anymore. I mean we've had our fair share of angry sex, randy out of our minds sex, experimental sex, `just sex' sex, and etcetera. But, still, there was always that other one—”

“The one that most would call `making love'—but you hate that term,” he finished for her—sparing her the trouble of having to gag as she tried to force herself to sputter the words, as she normally would.

“Yeah… well, I realized that night that we didn't do that anymore—we hadn't done that in a while. It was just… well, fucking; that was all we ever really did. And what really scared me most was that I had no idea how it had come to that point,” she admitted, breaking their eye contact as she turned from him once again.

Merlin, he was starting to hate it when she did that.

“How had we come to that point? I mean despite all of our problems and all the shit that we'd gone through I could always, at the very least, count on a great shag to even just temporarily make up for all of our problems.”

He sighed, running a hand through his hair in aggravation. “I didn't realize.”

“Took me a while to notice it too, don't worry about it. It's surprisingly easy to remain oblivious to things like that. When they hit you it's more of a sudden epiphany than anything else,” she admitted with a shrug.

“Cor, Lils, I know I've asked before, but I just can't help it—really, how did we get here? How did everything just get so fucked up?” he asked as he threw his head back, ignoring the slight pain that accompanied it when it hit the wall at full force.

“I—I don't know, I mean I keep on trying to tell myself that we just didn't fight hard enough, but that's not really it, is it?”

He sent her a quizzical look as he turned to face her. “What do you mean?”

“We got lazy—both of us, we didn't want to fight. We wanted to believe that it'd all work itself out in the end, but, in the end, that just makes it all the easier for it to slip away… I mean I know I didn't really even put up much of a fight—I didn't do anything until it was too late and by that point we were far too long gone and I just didn't have the energy to fight… not really, not as I would have liked to,” she confessed.

“But who says that the chance is long gone?” he challenged her as he, slowly, pushed his hand towards her—learning from prior experience by just, timidly, fingering her pinkie with his own. He relished the contact—there was just something so reassuring and natural about it that was exactly what he needed to get up the courage to ask her that question. To fight.

She sighed, which was, admittedly, a bad sign, but—then again, she didn't retract her finger from his. She kept it there on the floor, lying by his, stiffly, but there nonetheless. “I'm tired James, I'm just so tired and broken.”

-->

8. Angelina

Chapter VIII: Angelina

Song: Angelina by the Bravery

--

Oh Angelina
You are the sun and the moon
Every song I ever sang, I stole it from you
I knew that nothing could tear us apart, I never even gave it a second thought
I was so sure and I was wrong, Now every single thing I ever had is gone

--

20 July 1980

He was the one to retract his hand at hearing that confession—he couldn't help it, not when she told him that. Cor, he'd asked himself a thousand times now since he'd first pressed that ruddy stop button how had they gotten here? But this—this was worse than any of that confusion, frustration, or desperation. This was affirmation of the fact that there was a limit—that some things really are irreversible.

The majority of his experience with Lily had been a great show of extremes ranging from various flamboyant, as she liked to call it when teasing him, displays of affection—which, sadly, included pulling on her braids during third year—and outrageous head butting of their tempers.

She was the one girl that ever made him feel so alive. Cor, even arguing with her was a rush. He was never one for yelling, much unlike her, but when they got into the moment she pushed him to the limits, often almost forcing him to break his cool stance and just scream at her—or wring her neck, it really depended on which was easier.

But that—the idea that he might have broken her… it was just so wrong.

“It's not possible,” he muttered, letting out a low, guttural growl after voicing those thought despite himself.

“What do you mean?” she asked, as she toyed with the chain of her pendant while keeping her gaze resolutely fixed on the ceiling of the pattern of the lift's flooring—it was really bothering her that she couldn't figure out exactly what material they used, after staring at it for so long the oddest things began to bother her.

“Us—falling apart, it's not possible. It can always be fixed, I genuinely believe that.”

She let out a breath of a laugh as she noted the irony of the whole situation, figures that the end would be when he'd actually want to fight. “So did I James—but you have got to let go of that naivety at some point or another.”

He shrugged—simply, resolutely telling her “I can't.”

“You learn to James, I did,” she assured him in a condescending manner that really made him consider wringing her neck—or just tying her to a bed and shagging her senseless until she forgot about that silly little idea of hers. Honestly, leaving him?

That does not happen with Lily and James Potter; it's just simply unacceptable for them.

“I know you don't believe me James, but it's true,” she said in that all-knowing way of hers, at least in regards to him.

He let out a frustrated sigh as he ran an aggravated hand through his hair, pulling on his tie—any excuse to mangle at something just to resist that urge to strangle her, or, better yet, himself for ever having let her come up with that silly notion. “And how can you know that?”

“Experience.”

Fuck, he thought to himself upon hearing that answer.

--

Oh Angelina
I learned my lesson this time
I took you for granted for so long And now I just wanna die
Every thing I ever got, I never even gave it a second thought
I was so sure, I was so sure - Now there's only one thing I know for sure

--

18 October 1979

You'd left the house early that day—leaving a note saying that you had to because of some staff meeting that you had to attend to, but, the night before; you promised me that you'd be home early so I didn't think much of it. It wasn't all too unusual with you anyway.

I took the day off from St. Mungo's that day—had a mate of mine covering for me—so that I could get everything ready for us. After all that we'd gone through lately I really thought that we could use that—a chance to find each other again, really talk maybe.

Cor, I even tried to prepare dinner—not that I actually ended up serving it, given that, naturally, it was a horrible attempt that merely produced a burnt catastrophe of a duck l'orange.

But, hey, it's the thought that counts, right?

Anyway, ultimately, I ended up picking up some Italian food, for you, and some Greek as well, for me. I put it all up in our bedroom where a mate of mine had set up a mini-theatre of sorts for us. I just… I wanted for us to finally be able to relax. Have the perfect calm setting where we could really be comfortable together.

It was all finished by four—exactly when you had promised to come home—but I knew that you probably wouldn't be back until five or so, so I didn't think much of it when you had yet to return. I just took out “The Wizard of Oz” and started watching it—not even allowing myself to indulge in the slightest bit of food, a feat in itself, for fear of it ruining my appetite.

I just wanted it all to be perfect.

6.50

I finished watching the film, but you still weren't home. I decided to just watch some “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” to distract myself; keep my mind off the fact.

8.40

My dinner was finished—as was the majority of the manicotti from yours—and I was starting “Carrie” when an owl started tapping on the window. And while I know that I shouldn't have been so surprised by the fact, I couldn't help it; I had hoped that this night would be different. Despite it all I had still held onto that naïve, infallible hope that you'd be there, but that crushing penultimate moment where that bloody owl arrived—well that one almost killed me.

It was a short little thing that you couldn't even call a letter really, and that fact just hurt me all the more.

Sorry love, can't make it home tonight.

Last minute problem with a newspaper that

I really need to take care of.

Forgive me?

I had never missed your messy, little, slanted, illegible chicken scratch more than I did then at that moment. It was so obvious that you had had your secretary write as you dictated, and that almost hurt me as much as the fact that you had left me for work. Again. And on our anniversary of all nights.

What's worse, however—the salt on the wound, so to speak—was the gift that came with it. It was this ungodly necklace, rubies and diamonds galore, that was the most catastrophically ostentatious shite that I'd ever had the displeasure to lay my eyes upon.

You'd forgotten our anniversary.

You'd sent your secretary to buy and “I'm sorry” gift without even realizing what it was that you actually should be apologizing for.

It was all so wrong.

10.50

I was numbly making my way through “The Shining”—a movie that I'd never been able to watch on my own before, and only really even bought for your sake. It's odd, though, how when heartbroken nothing can get to you—not even a film that usually has you in tears from over what a state of fear it puts you in.

Odd, really.

--

Nothing here is set in stone
Nothing's ever set in stone
Everything I have some day will fall apart and fade away

Nothing here is ever set in stone

--

20 July 1980

“Oh bloody hell Lils, I had no idea,” he admitted with a groan. “I honestly don't even remember what the bloody hell it is that I had to attend to!”

She nodded. “I know, and that's the worst part about it James,” she said, turning her head away from any vantage point where he could see her face as she quickly wiped away a stray tear that was about to make it's way down her face.

She couldn't let herself do that—not anymore, she'd promised herself that she was done crying.

“It did get better for a while,” she admitted. “Your birthday came two months later and you and I spent those amazing three weeks off by going to the Bahamas, and everything was great for a while, you know? I mean… the underlying problems were still there, but it was better than it had been in a while and I'd learned to live with that—I even let myself hope again after that—I actually let myself think that maybe all wasn't lost.”

-->

9. Split Me Wide Open

Chapter IX: Split Me Wide Open

Song: Split Me Wide Open by the Bravery

--

Split me wide open and look right inside
There's so many things that I tried to hide
Oh you see right through me
You always see right through me

--

20 July 1980

“What changed then? What made you feel like it wasn't worth the fight anymore because, Lily, I've got a hell of a lot more fight in me and I don't see why you can't find it in your heart to let me try—to let me make up for my mistakes.”

She sighed, rolling her head to try alleviate herself of a growing crick in it—even after months of living at the hotel she still wasn't used to the bed, it seemed as if the only place in which she could get a proper nights sleep was in her and James's bed.

Life really was a manipulative bitch.

“I grew up, smelled the flowers, so to speak—I finally realized that you can't hold onto a façade forever, sooner or later it'll break and the longer you hold onto it the harder you'll fall when it does happen.”

He turned to look at her, eying her curiously as she determinedly kept her eyes trained on the wall opposite to them. “That's pretty pessimistic, especially for you Lils.”

“Well a lot's happened to get me here.”

--

Split me wide open, and cut me in two
There's nothing that I could ever hide from you
Oh you always knew me, you're the only one who knew me

Is nothing sacred, is nothing saved?
Your gentle eyes like a razor blade
They cut me open, you look right through
I give it all to you

--

1 May 1980

I needed you. I really just needed you to be there for me, by my side, holding me and telling me that everything would be okay, even if that was a lie. I just needed your support, to be in your arms and feel safe and protected as I waited for the doctor to come out and update me on my parents' surgery.

I was so scared and so alone James, it was horrible. There I was, practically having a nervous breakdown in the waiting room, and all I could do was enviously watch Vernon coddle Petunia. I felt so powerless, so lost, so broken.

I tried to call you repeatedly, but all I ever got was you answering machine so I was forced to leave you a message telling you about my parents' automobile accident. There I was, bawling, and all I had to console me was your bloody voicemail. All I could do was hope that you'd find it soon and come right away.

But you didn't.

You did, however, rush in three hours later apologizing, saying that you got held up in some last minute meeting over some pathetic excuse of an attempt at a hostile takeover and hadn't had a chance to check your messages.

But as you sat there—rambling on and on about why you were late, business—I just stared at you, rendered utterly speechless as I watched you. I realized something then, and it was rather disconcerting really.

I realized that I was surprised that you had even shown up at all.

--

Pinned to a wall, I am hung from a tree
For these drooling faces, they can look up and see
But you always knew me, you're the only one who knew me

Oh you see right through me, you always see right through me

--

20 July 1980

“You don't want to do this Lils, I know you don't.”

She snorted lightly, letting out a dispassionate laugh. “You always did know me James, better than anyone else I think. But, still, there's a fine line between what we want and what we have to do, isn't there?”

And with a defeated sigh from James silence overtook them yet again.

-->

10. Above and Below

Chapter X: Above and Below

Song: Above and Below by the Bravery

--

Sometimes I feel like I wanna leave this place for good
Under the ground - I'll live down there without a sound
And never hear these hissing voices all the same
I'll disappear 'cause living makes me feel ashamed
I must believe there's more above us and below
I must believe, stranded with this bitch called hope
It keeps me here when all I wanna do is go
It keeps me here when all I wanna do is disappear

--

20 July 1980

“You know what's odd?”

“What?” she asked curiously.

“Here we are, talking about all of these terrible things that went on during our relationship, but all I seem to be able to think about is your birthday last year.”

A small smile tugged at her lips upon hearing that admission. “That was a pretty good vacation; I honestly can't remember a better spent birthday.”

“I'm glad to hear it, I rather enjoyed it myself.”

“What gave you the idea to do that anyway?—I mean it's not really your sort of a thing to do.”

“I remembered how you once told me about how, as a child, you'd always thought it was so unfair how it seemed as if only boys were ever allowed to go on camping retreats—how sexist it was for it to be solely a male bonding experience. Plus, a mate of mine is big on that sort of a thing so I asked him for some advice and he pointed me to that beach in Greece, apparently it's famous among the locals. Just thought you might like a chance to finally fulfill that childhood wish and break the precedent, so to speak,” he admitted with a shrug.

“It really was a great two weeks, James.”

“Good.”

They sat in silence, it was odd how awkward it all was—while, logically speaking, it may have been normal for a couple to feel a bit out of sorts in each other's company when a divorce seemed to be in the imminent future it was just so alien to James and Lily. Everything felt so discombobulated and neither really knew what to make of it, even during their far too many breakups it had never been quite like that, they'd always known exactly what to say—exactly which buttons to push.

He sighed.

The sound alone was somewhat relieving to Lily, at least it wasn't that tense silence; the act alone seemed to somehow cut a bit of the anxiety and edge from the air.

“We were never perfect Lils,” he finally said. “But… well, you and I always just worked. We fought, a lot, called each other names, mocked each other, hurt each other on numerous occasions—we've been through it all really. Yet, somehow, nonetheless, it always just worked for us, for some inexplicable reason.”

“We're rather screwy like that, aren't we?” she agreed with a small breath of a laugh.

“Yeah,” he nodded. “But it worked for us. Plus, we had our good times Lils—and those were great, nothing could compare to them. Why can't we go back to that time, Lils? We've argued and broken up before—more so than should be considered healthy, but we worked through it nevertheless. Why not give it one more go, we've never been the sort to let something put us down anyway, why start now?”

She sniffed; it felt like she had cried so much that the tears just couldn't come anyway, but her body somehow still managed to shake with a dry pain that reverberated throughout her entire body, sending an awfully familiar sense of loss and discontent, just minus the actual tears. Life really was cruel like that.

“I want to… I want to so much, but I can't James.”

--

If this is it
All we have and ever will
If this is it
Time is running out and standing still
I'll leave today, 'cause there's nothing left to keep me here
I'll fade away, I'll turn my back and disappear

--

12 May 1980

“Cor, I don't even know what to say,” I admitted as I stood at the podium of my parents' funeral. “Truth is my mum and dad would have hated this. If they could say anything right now it'd be that we're all a lot of dolts for wasting our time shedding tears when there's so much good in the world to celebrate instead. In fact, the made me promise never to cry over them—that, if anything, that'd be a disgrace to their memory and to everything they'd tried so hard to instill in me—but here I am, breaking my promise,” I smiled as I wiped away a stray tear. “They were a crazy pair and a happy one at that. I think that that's what was so great and memorable about them though, the fact that they were so full of life—believed in it so much. They didn't believe in pain or pity, even at the worst of times they were optimistic and held onto the belief that it'd all work itself out in the end because of the karmic balance, or whatever the hell it was that they attributed it to. So, I guess all I can say is here's to them,” I finished, ignoring all of the applause as I made my way off the stage and to the W.C.

I broke down when I finally walked into the stall—but the worst thing about it was that I wasn't even crying over them anymore, but over us of all things. How selfish is that?

The truth, though, is that they had only ever wanted me to be happy and make sure that I lived life to the fullest—that's all they'd ever asked of me. They didn't care if I was brilliant, rich, talented, or charming; they only ever wanted me to be satisfied with myself and my life, but there I was, and I wasn't delivering, even on the most menial of requests.

I wasn't happy anymore and you didn't see me breaking right before you. I couldn't be invincible anymore; I couldn't fight a lost cause anymore, not when there clearly wasn't any salvation for us anymore.

I needed to leave.

--

The city moans, it lunges up right from the ground
The seething earth, it opens up and spits us out
It's a vicious child, nature never wanted us
This vicious child, a cancer burning black into its heart
If this is it - all we have and ever will
If this is it - time is running out and standing still
I'll leave today, 'cause there's nothing left to keep me here
I'll fade away, I'll turn my back and disappear

--

20 July 1980

“But I can't, I just can't, James, not anymore. I've learned to pick my battles by now, and this is just one that's too painful to fight.”

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11. The Ocean

Chapter XI: The Ocean

Song: The Ocean by the Bravery

--

I climbed up a mountain, and looked off the edge
At all of the lives that I never have led
There's one where I stayed with you, accross the sea
I wonder do you still think of me
I carry your image always in my head
Folded and yellowed and torn at the edge
And I've look upon it for so many years
Slowly I am loosing your face

Sixes and sevens we live on jet planes
And so many faces I don't know the names
So many friends now and none of them mine
Forgotten as soon as we meet
All of these moments are lost in time
But you caught in my head like a thorn on a vine
To forever torment me and I wonder why
Do I wish I'd never known you at all

--

20 July 1980

“I'm sorry—I'm sorry for ruining it all for you,” he gruffly told her. “Maybe—maybe you're right,” he stumbled, and she could tell he was forcing the words as he uttered them—there was something so unnatural, so wrong about James giving up on something, particularly them.

The shock of it all caught her by such surprise that she felt as if she broke her neck from the speed with which she had turned to look at him. “Par—pardon?” she stuttered, unable to regain her composure.

“Come on Lily, don't make me repeat it,” he muttered with a definite undertone of desperation as he kept his eyes trained on his hands—not turning to return her stare, meet her eyes, for the first time ever.

“I—I—I'm, just surprised is all,” she admitted, her face turning an unnatural, and rather unappealing, given her complexion, red.

He nodded slowly. “Yeah,” he said in a choked voice, “so am I.”

He sat there frozen, and she couldn't bring herself to say anything, do anything. All of a sudden all of that supposed courage that she had—what had helped her finally do all of this, never failing her in the past two hours—suddenly evaporated without a trace. All she could do was stare at him as he sat there emotionlessly clenching his jaw.

“I really thought that it was okay, I just—I want you to know that. I didn't want to disappoint you or fuck things up like this. I just wanted to be good enough. I thought that if anyone could, we could handle it all, Lils. We were epic, you know?” he asked, pausing after voicing the thought. “With everything going on around us we were always the one thing that I thought could prevail in it, no matter how long it took or how many trial and tribulations we had to go through,” he admitted tersely, never daring to look into her eyes as he spoke. “It was you Lils, always has been for me, and I'm sorry, I never thought marrying you could end up being so disastrous on your part,” he spat out, albeit a bit spitefully, but the good sentiment was clear nonetheless.

She watched as he slowly lifted his hand, clenching it to form a fist, and hit the stop button with such force that she couldn't help but wince at hearing the sound. She could almost imagine the indentation that would form from the strike, given James's strength.

He slowly got up, brushing the dust off his suit before turning to her and offering her a hand that she shook her head to. With a shrug he turned back to the doors, watching the numbers slowly descend. It was odd, watching James like that; it was so aberrant and disconcerting to see him acting like that. She had once called that his bluffing face—the one that he used only for poker and in business, the fact that he was using it with her felt like a stab to the heart.

When the doors finally opened to reveal the lobby he merely muttered a quick “bye” before beginning to make his way out of the lift.

“It wasn't all horrible,” she told him just as he was about step foot out of the lift.

He turned to her, looking down at her as she sat on the floor—a position that was making her more and more uncomfortable by the second, she felt so weak and powerless in that situation. She felt almost broken.

“But not good enough for you to stay Lils—and, in the end, that's all I care about. The end result is all that really counts, isn't it?” he asked her as he leaned on the frame of the lift to keep the doors from opening as he tiredly pinched the bridge of his nose.

“I'll have the papers sent to you tomorrow, I'm sure I can do some charm to repair these,” he told her as he raised the poor defenceless pile of papers that had been so cruelly mutilated by the doors of the lift only three hours before.

“There were good times James.”

“Yeah, well it's over now—that's done is done, right? I really do hope that you find more though Lils, I only ever wanted the best for you—just kind of disappointed that that didn't turn out to be me I guess,” he told her with a sigh as he pushed off the frame and turned around, finally walking away from her.

For the first time ever he walked away and didn't look back. There was no teasing, no testing, it was really over.

--

The sun and the moon
An ocean of air
So many voices
But nothing is there
But the ghost of you asking me why
Why did I leave

Oh the ocean rolls us away, away, away
The ocean rolls us away

Oh the ocean rolls us away, away, away

And I lose your hand through the waves

--

author's note: so I struggled a lot with this chapter and am not at all sure if I even pulled it off all that well, really. But the next one—and final one—will just be an epilogue of sorts so I should have that up within 4-5 days as I'd like to be able to just have some time to review it.

Please R&R, I'd really like to hear your reactions to this!

p.s. remember, all the music is up on my author's profile

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12. Not Tonight

Chapter XII: Not Tonight

Song: “Not Tonight” by Tegan and Sara

--

love pull your sore ribs in
I will pull your tangles out
in the back of your car I feel like
I have traveled nowhere

what will bring me home
what will make me stay
what will bring me home
what will make me stay
well I don't know, I don't know hoo oo
I don't know, I don't know hoo oo

--

28 January 1984

“Hi,” she said, biting her lip nervously as she looked up at him. Figures, really, that the first time she would see him in the three years following their divorce would be on a lift. In the immortal words of… well, she wasn't quite sure who to give credit for it, but the point of the matter is that the saying rang true nonetheless, life really is a bitch.

“What are you doing in good ole Utah?” she asked with a small crooked smile as she tried her hand at a horrible American accent that really was a devastating thing to hear.

“The film festival,” he sheepishly admitted.

“Oh. I didn't know that you still go.”

“Yeah,” he said as he scratched his neck, awkwardly shifting his weight from one foot to the other. “I became rather fond of that Redford bloke over the years, after you forced me to go to this thing. Haven't gone since—well you know, but this year… I just felt… well I don't know what, really,” he admitted, stumbling over words as he nervously rambled.

She smiled softly. “Me too, had the sudden compulsion to go when I got the 9ivitation again—started feeling guilty for ignoring them.”

“Talk about irony,” he muttered. “They finally got my changed address this year.”

“Yeah…” she nodded. “This is pretty awkward, isn't it?”

“I think it's natural when two people are divorced and haven't seen one another as long as we have,” he shrugged, praying for at least some excuse, some sense of normalcy in that whole mess that they had made of things.

She wrinkled her nose in distaste. “Well I think it sucks.”

“Yeah, kind of does, doesn't it?” he asked, his face breaking into a small grin.

It was odd, it was like one of those horribly awkward and cliché romantic films, really. Just as she felt as if they may be making some sense of things that damn lift rang, signaling that they had arrived at her floor. Bloody hell.

She bit back a groan as she cursed the damn contraption. “Um, that's me,” she said, pointing to the open doors. “I should go.”

He nodded slowly, the cursed tension between them only adding to the discomfiture of the entire situation. “Yeah… um, have fun,” he offered with a crooked, forced smile.

“Yeah, you too, bye James,” she said to him as she steeped out of the lift with a small, fleeting smile sent his way.

“Bye,” he whispered.

He let out a breath, throwing his head back, tiredly rubbing at his face as the doors began to close. He waited for the lift to start moving again, to lose himself in that familiar rush as it started heading upwards; anything to distract him was good in his books.

--

everything in my body says not tonight
everything in my body says no
everything in my body says not tonight
everything in my body says no

--

28 January 1984

“Lily?” he asked, his eyebrows furrowing when he opened the door to his hotel room only to be left totally befuddled by the sight of a red, tear stained Lily standing in front of him.

“The concierge told me what room you were staying in… kind of lied to him that I was your sister… I hope that's okay,” she stammered slightly as she rambled on, a definite waver to her words as she awkwardly stood before him. “Um… do you mind if I come in?”

“Yeah, sure,” he confusedly told her as he pushed the door further open as she made her way into the suite.

“Nice room.”

He nodded. “I like it.”

“I—I couldn't just leave it like that, you know?” she sputtered, eyes downcast as her hands nervously fidgeted uncontrollably. “I couldn't just let you go without knowing—without knowing…” she trailed off, rolling her eyes in aggravation when she couldn't seem to get the words out. She sniffed, wiping away a stray tear that was making its way down her face.

“Without knowing what, Lily?” he goaded her.

“That I was wrong,” she blurted out. “I—I blamed you for so much, but, in reality, it wasn't entirely your fault. You were ambitious and wanted to be all that you could be, and there really is nothing wrong with that in particular, and I need you to know that.”

“I was the one that mucked things up by never telling you when that started to take over your personal life and ruin ours. I was as much to blame as you were—I was just too stubborn of a bitch to see that you would have picked me. I was just too cynical to let myself see that. I let myself get comfortable in the desperate housewife role—you know, minus the house part,” she babbled on, attempting to make a joke of sorts with the latter, but sadly that humor was lost on both as she shook with tears. Somehow things just didn't seem as funny when crying was involved.

“And well, I—I'm so sorry for blaming you,” she told him as she self-consciously hooked her thumbs in her jeans pockets and pulled on them, trying to release her stress on something—anything. She let out a deep breath as she felt herself dithering under his piercing presence.

“Yeah, well, I—I just—I needed to tell you that…”

Throughout her entire little tirade he just stared at her, understandably, rendered totally speechless.

“Right, I'll just go then, yeah? Yeah,” she stumbled as she made her way to the door, anxious and fumbling with the knob when she finally reached it.

He closed his eyes as he listened to her, pinching the bridge of his nose slightly—an act, he noted, that he seemed to do a lot in her presence. “Stop.”

“Pardon?” she asked, her voice coming out in a feeble whisper that was unnatural for her of all people.

“You can't just say that, and leave like that. You need to give me time—a chance to process, and all of that other shite.”

“I—I figured it'd just be easier if I left…”

He rolled his eyes as he turned to her, looking at her sardonically. “And you would have left, run away, again?”

She shifted uncomfortably.

He nodded in understanding, snorting slightly at the predictability of it all. It was pathetic and heartbreaking how, no matter what, they always seemed to run in circles—never able to break that cycle, never able to stop breaking each other's hearts. It was as if they were both hell-bent on ruining the other for anyone else.

“I—I don't want to,” she finally muttered, wanting to shy away from his judging look, but unable to leave it at that, no matter how much she knew that running really would hurt a hell of a lot less than being with him—than having to bear witness to all she'd lost and how much better off he apparently was without her. No matter how much time passed, no matter how much had gone on, she had given her heart to him and that was a tricky thing to trifle with, an act that could rarely be undone. And, sadly, she found herself learning that the hard way.

She groaned suddenly, trying to restrain herself form pulling her hair out. “God, you're just so damn difficult!”

He eyed her coldly. “Oh, I'm the difficult one? That's ironic, really, how you shift blame from yourself to everyone else. Here you were just apologizing only to do it again, some things really never change, do they, Lils?” he tainted her, bringing back the old pet name for measure—a move that struck her far more than she would have liked.

She let out a cold, bitter laugh instead of crying as she so desperately wanted to. “I didn't run away, I tried to stick it out—maybe the wrong way, but I tried! You know what; I don't even know why I came here. It's pointless really; you and I just run in circles anyway, all we were ever good at was slowly tearing each other apart. What's the point?” she asked out loud, more so to herself than anything else. She really didn't give a shit as to what his opinion on the matter was at the moment. No, she was going for the spiteful ex-wife bit and she was going to milk that one for all it was worth—her cliché “red headed temper” would make sure of that one for her. After all, she may at least have a bit of fun being a bitch if nothing else as her day had already gone to hell.

They both just stood there—her on the verge of a nervous breakdown—a fact that was becoming more and more apparent by the second—and him just there. Erect and stoic—just there, more so a statue than a human being.

The sight was scary, bewildering, and more than a little off-putting given that it was James, the man whom she had always so admired for being so open with his emotions; it was a sight that made her go even more crazy by the second.

“Don't just stand there like that,” she finally muttered grumpily.

He cocked an eyebrow. “Like what?” he asked with a slow drawl that she really would have fund sexy, had she not been at her wits end with him—them.

“Like that, you look like a businessman with that poker face of yours.”

“In case you haven't realized, Lils, I do work in business, ergo I am a businessman,” he told her, an amused look slowly creeping onto his face as she saw the beginnings of a smirk tugging on his lips.

Much better.

She couldn't help the smile that slowly tugged at her lips upon hearing that. But, in her defense, it was a small one.

She sighed. “What's wrong with us James? How is it that every conversations seems to end up in a fight with us?” she asked as she leaned back, putting her weight on the wall behind her as she felt her legs beginning to give weight in her state of aggravation.

He shrugged. “Great make-up shags?”

She let out a breath of a laugh at the blasé manner in which he had said that; so blunt, so charming. “Yes, well we're not doing that one anymore, so why continue?”

“Force of habit?” he offered.

“I don't like this habit, not this often, at least—even if a battle of the wits can always be good fun with you.”

“Me neither,” he admitted as he took a step towards her, still a good meter away from her, but the decrease in distance made an impact on her nonetheless as she felt herself stop breathing for a second as he neared.

Damn him for still having an impact on her. She really hoped he'd burn in hell for eternity right about then, regardless of how cruel a wish it may have been and how bad it might be given the karmic retribution she was sure to receive in compensation for that less than holy comment.

“Well, you know, there is a way to get around this little dilemma…”

She couldn't deny that her interest was piqued by that statement. “Oh, really?” she asked, not a hint of sarcasm in her voice—a true feat for her, given her current state.

He nodded.

“And what do you propose we do to rectify the situation?” That time there was a definite undertone of skepticism.

“We shag.”

Right about then the only thought that flitted through her mind was that she must look as “white and shaken as a dry martini,” a favorite quote of hers by P.G. Wodehouse, that she found very suiting at the moment. A fact that, most likely, she would have normally applauded herself on had she not been choking at the moment.

On air.

“Pardon?” she asked between coughs.

“I miss you. We may have gotten a divorce, and I haven't seen you in a good three years, but I miss you nevertheless,” he told her. He was so direct about, so nonsense that it scared her. How could he look her in the eye and utter those words without the slightest bit of hesitation when she was practically having a heart attack from the sheer absurdity of the notion? It was preposterous!

Him not her, that is.

He took another step towards her and she couldn't help but back away—sadly, she did so into a wall as she soon realized that she had literally backed herself into a corner.

“Pardon?” she whispered with a tremor to her voice, one that immediately gave away timidity over the possible answer.

He took another step so he was standing right before her, only a hairsbreadth away, and touched a hand to her cheek slowly. She took in the way he closed his eyes as he traced his thumb across her jaw, a look of clear ecstasy crossing it.

He slowly opened his eyes, a hazel that was so filled with this indescribable combination of lust, love, and longing. Damn him. “I want you, Lils, we've had our ups and downs—admittedly, far more than any couple should go through, and far too many that I was culpable for. But, in the end, that doesn't change the fact that it's you—it's always been you.”

She shook her head slowly, a definite sense of trepidation coursing through her veins. “You—you shouldn't say that—think that,” she amended quickly. “Not smart—not smart at all,” she babbled on nervously as he continued to rub her cheek, his thumb inching closer and closer to her mouth.

“Don't,” she whispered weakly.

“Don't what, Lils?”

“Don't do this, don't hurt me.”

He sighed. “I won't hurt you, I promise. Just, please, give me a chance to prove to you that I have changed.”

“No, James, too much time has passed-”

he didn't even bother letting her finish that thought, he knew what she was going to say—he knew all too well for his taste. “Or maybe just enough time. Maybe this is what we needed to see how much we mean to one another, to see how worthless everything else is if we don't have each other,” he persisted.

“James-”

“Don't say no, Lils, please,” he begged

She sniffed as she tried to blink back the tears that really were a longtime coming. “No.”

“Lily,” he sighed, leaning his forehead against her own as he closed his eyes. “You need me, Lils; you need me as much as I need you. We can work,” he promised, “We can do it. Everything's a learning experience and this can only make us stronger. That's what they always say in those ruddy chick flicks you con me into watching. Why can't you follow their example when you love them so much?”

“Because—because I've been there—felt the pain.”

He winced slightly before opening his eyes. “I love you, Lils,” he whispered before crushing her lips with his own in a searing, toe curling, shag-me-for-days-on-end worthy kiss.

She couldn't help, but respond, it had become a reflex after all those years with him—all that time spent loving him. She let the tears free as she poured her heart into the kiss, trying to use it as a release for all the pain she'd felt over the years—all the hell that they'd wrought upon one another, each screwing up in their own way.

She used it as a means of discharging all that pent up aggression towards the fates for having mucked everything up for them.

He pulled away, slowly wiping away the tears. “Don't cry,” he whispered, “please don't cry.”

“Forgive me for being cliché by this, but why do you insist on making me cry then?” she asked, her eyes downcast as she purposefully kept her gaze set on her shoes.

He placed a finger just under her chin and used it to raise her head—force her to look him in the eyes. “I won't—not anymore, I promise you that, Lils.”

“How can you be so sure?” she asked in a chocked whisper.

“Because I've had a taste of life without you and found that it's really not quite up to par with what it was like before,” he told her with a small grin.

She couldn't help but let put a small laugh, he truly was far too charming for her own good—dangerous stuff that can be. She bit her lip as she scrutinized him, making up a quick pro and con list in her head.

She sighed.

“What's winning?” he asked her with a knowing look.

“Leaving,” she admitted bluntly.

“Oh… not quite sure I really wanted to know that now…” he admitted slowly as he awkwardly shifted upon hearing that admission.

“But—well—maybe… just maybe, pro and con lists are a bit overrated,” she said, hesitantly moving her gaze to the painting behind him as she said that. She really hated feeling like she was at a disposition like that. But, for him, maybe it was worth the discomfort on her part.

He immediately pulled her flush against him in a tight hug, placing a light kiss to her hairline as he whispered “Yeah?”

She nodded slowly, reveling in the feel of being in his arms again. She hadn't really realized just how much she had missed that feeling.

“You should know, Lils, that I'm not letting you go,” he told her as his arms flexed, tightening their grip around her. “Not tonight, not ever again—it's just not going to happen, I won't make that mistake again,” he promised her.

She smiled softly, almost shyly, as she finally braved a look into his eyes. “Good,” she whispered, slowly gathering up the courage to let herself take the plunge with her next admittance. “I want us to start over again—to finally be honest with one another, leave nothing to chance, say it all; the good, the bad, and even the ugly. I want it all with you, James, I don't want to ever let any trivial and stupid thing get in the way again—it's just too easy and the cost is too much.”

Fin.

--

what will bring me home
what will make me stay
what will bring me home
what will make me stay
well I don't know, I don't know hoo oo
I don't know, I don't know hoo oo

--

author's note: and with a new song starts a new story… just not one that I'll be writing, lol.

Hope you enjoyed it—as I, personally, think that this was by far the most romantic scene I've ever written—and were, hopefully, pleasantly surprised.

p.s. as always songs are available on my profile [www.fanfiction.net/~cosmopolitan]—I was actually reading this chap while listening to the song (came up on my iPod's shuffle ironically enough) and I'm proud to say that it really works for it—the pace of the song and the lyrics, yay me!

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