1. Prologue

Disclaimer: HP doesn't belong to me, nor do I make any profit off of this writing... besides, I would have offed Harry without the slightest thought had it, lol.

Unearthed and Unnerved

summary: “You may not have cheated on me, James, but let's be honest with ourselves here, you would have, you and I both know that… breaking up with me, it was just so you could avoid the inevitable. The truth is that we're not really meant for one another, we never were and our history, our relationship is more than enough proof of that fact. Let's just mend what we can, why try for something that we're so clearly incapable of succeeding in?”

Chapter I: Prologue
song: What I'm Trying to Say by Stars

You look so good in the clothes of a poseur
And when you smiled all the kids fell apart here
I know a place where it's warm and it's dry, dear
Let me take you there

“You may not have cheated on me, James, but let's be honest with ourselves here, you would have, you and I both know that… breaking up with me, it was just so you could avoid the inevitable. The truth is that we're not really meant for one another, we never were and our history, our relationship is more than enough proof of that fact. Let's just mend what we can, why try for something that we're so clearly incapable of succeeding in?”

“That's not true,” he gruffly told her, clenching his jaw as he listened to her practically spit on, what he believed to be, a rather heartfelt speech on his part. Bloody chit, he thought to himself, trying to rationalize why the hell it was that out of all the women in the world she had to be the one he fell for, the most stubborn red-head to ever grace the planet.

“Don't be an obstinate prat,” she chastised him, smiling weakly. “You and I… that's just territory that's better off being left uncharted, at least this time,” she told him, leaning back against the counter. She let out an exasperated sigh as she watched him standing there stiffly, clearly unwavering in his stance. “Come on, James,” she pleaded weakly, ashamed of her own desperation, “we tried it, we failed, that's just how it is sometimes, let it go and move on… I have.”

“But I've tried it all, Lily,” he burst out angrily, his temper getting the better of him. “I've seen the grass on the other side and all that shit and it's not nearly as green,” he retorted, nearing her, his scent enfolding her and unknowingly forcing her into a state of reverie as she was forced to remember all of those happy times… Merlin, he always smelled so good, it was a curse on her part, really, made him so damn tempting. She felt her knees weaken as he moved in on her, nose to nose as he leaned his forehead on hers, and try as she might to push him away she just couldn't bring herself to.

“Why can't we just give it another go? I know that you feel it too, that you want it as well, so why not try, what's the harm in at least trying?” he breathed out, bringing a hand to her face and rubbing her cheek softly.

She looked at him wearily, finally breaking out of her daze and gaining the strength to move away from him, scoffing as he finished his absurd declaration. “You ended it, James, not me. I wasn't the happiest towards the end of the relationship either, but I didn't give up, you did, so don't give me this shit about how there's no harm in trying! You broke my heart once by leaving and I'm not stupid enough to let you do it again. Like I said, James, I've moved on, I really have despite what you may think—or, better yet, want to believe. Just leave me alone, let go.”

I am trying to say
What I want to say
Without having to say
I love you

author's note: just a short prologue, look into the future, really, and I know that I really shouldn't be taking on another fic given my state of writer's block, but this idea just won't stop pestering me so I need a means of getting it out of my mind, lol. Anyway, hope you enjoyed it, more to come as soon as possible all depending on my writer's block and please review.

p.s. also note that each chap in this fic will be inspired by a song by Stars that I will add a link to right below the chapter title

Thank you.

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2. re•gret

Chapter II: re·gret

Song: One More Night (Your Ex-Lover Remains Dead) by Stars

One more night, that was a good one
One more night, I dreamed it was good one (one more)
One more night, that was a good one
One more night, the end should be a good one
A good one

He watched her and couldn't help but reminisce. It had been two years since he had last seen her, and suddenly *poof* she was there. It was odd, he thought to himself, how regardless of the fact that they shared so many of the same friends, tended to go to the same places, and worked in partnering professions, they still managed to avoid one another without ever even trying.

He'd recently heard that she was dating a new bloke from Sirius. Apparently she and Diggory were giving it another go despite the fact that it had failed so miserably back at Hogwarts. When he heard the news he tried to reassure himself that it was merely temporary…

He didn't know why, but it bothered him. Well, that wasn't entirely true, he amended, he did know why, but he liked to ignore the fact. Besides, he had been the one to end things. He should have expected that she move on, right?

He took another swig of his fire whiskey as he watched her standing there, talking to some bloke he didn't know, but he wasn't particularly interested in that anyway. No, what truly had his attention was that short little black dress she was wearing. Fuck it was amazing on her. He watched her legs, looked at how long they seemed in those red pumps of hers. He remembered she had always had this God awful taste for wearing ridiculously sexy high heals even though she had a penchant for tripping in them, but when she didn't she did have a mouth-water inducing worthy swagger - that was when she wasn't tripping, a rare occurrence in itself.

“You're staring mate. I think a puddle of drool may even start collecting on the table soon if you don't close that trap,” Sirius quipped, nudging his shoulder to pull him out of his reverie.

“She looks good,” James stated pointlessly.

“Yeah,” Sirius nodded. “But I don't see why that'd matter. You ended things; you know the rule, mate, don't try to sleep where you've already taken a dump. Especially if the girl is one Lily Evans. She'll crucify your balls and then chop them up to feed the pigeons… and that's on a good day.”

“She looks good.”

“I think you've already stated that, mate,” Sirius clapped him on the back, eyeing him curiously as James's eyes took on that always troublesome, when in the presence of Lily at least, glazed look. “Don't go for it, she hates you.”

James turned to him. “Why would she hate me, we ended it on decent terms, didn't we?” he asked as he brought his glass up for another drink, only to realize it was empty. Damn.

“Yeah,” Sirius scoffed. “If you're a delusional prat… which, come to think of it, you are. Come on, Prongs, be serious. You broke up with her. Suddenly, one day you just ended it.”

“I needed to, it was time,” he defended, a weak defence, he admitted to himself—an admission that he'd never vocalize unless under Veritaserum—but a defense all the same.

“Yeah, for you maybe it was, but she was still holding on… There's always that residual bitterness. Let it go, Prongs, you did once, you can do it again.”

He sighed as he waved over the bartender and signaled for another drink, he was going to need it. “I miss her.”

Sirius nodded. “I figured as much.”

“I want her back.”

“As I said, you're delusional,” Sirius repeated.

He glared at his mate before turning to the bartender, sending him a nod in thanks of the drink that had been placed in front of him. Thank Merlin. “It was good, Sirius, we were good.”

“And then you ended it, she's moved on, James, let her be. You weren't there after you ended it, I was… she was a wreck, and she's finally managed to move on with a bloke that's she's genuinely happy with. If she means so much to you let her have some peace, don't come trampling into her life just as she's finally managed to get over you.”

He opened his mouth, as if to say something, and what Sirius would never know as he only closed his mouth and clenched his jaw as he reached into his pocket, pulling out a couple of galleons and throwing them onto the table. “I'm going to head back home… I'll see you around the ministry tomorrow, I suppose,” he gruffly told him before storming out the pub.

He'd been happy, indisputably content, at peace, and happy… and it was odd, he'd never really expected it to happen. In truth his mum and dad were kind and they were loving and attentive parents, but as a couple they were never close or anything, more so just accepting of the fate that they'd been dealt and the expectations thrust upon them. Those were the expectations he'd had, admittedly dim, but it was the world he'd grown up in nonetheless; there was an image to uphold, after all. With her, however, he'd had something different and it scared the shit out of him as he realized that he'd be more than happy spending the rest of his life with her.

All those years of chasing her, and that sureness in the fact that they were meant to be had suddenly disappeared with the realization that he not only loved her, but could imagine a forever with her. How could he just settle down like that without experiencing everything else that the world had to offer, without shagging all of those other delectable women that so readily threw themselves at him?

No, peace was not good for the soul. In fact, in an odd way, it brought on terror and, no matter how oxymoronic, acted as a catalyst for an unprecedented state of turmoil.

So he had ended it, moved on, and shagged every model and sexy woman he came across. Far from an honorable time, but Merlin was it an enjoyable epoch… What was scary, however, was the realization that, nevertheless, the grass wasn't greener on the other side and the idea that he'd let go of perfection was a bitch, that much he could admit.

And then there she was, looking so sexy and so utterly fuckable… it wasn't fair or just that some other bloke had just swooped in and taken her from him. And now, to add insult to injury, his best friend forbade him to go and try to get her back.

What the hell was he going to do now?

He drops to his knees
Says please my love, please
I'll kill who you hate
Take off that dress, you won't freeze

Author's Note: a short chapter, but they do get longer with time, first need to get through the preliminary stuff, like explaining what it was that happened. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it, I wasn't too sure about how I pulled this off, I tend to work better with dialogue then explaining history, so feedback on that would be good.

A special thank you to my two betas gitgit and LunaBella 006

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3. Ex • es

Chapter III: Ex · es

Song: Your Ex-Lover is Dead by Stars

—

God that was strange to see you again
Introduced by a friend of a friend
Smiled and said 'yes I think we've met before'
In that instant it started to pour,
Captured a taxi despite all the rain
We drove in silence across pont champlain
And all of the time you thought I was sad
I was trying to remember your name...

“Oh, James?” she squeaked in surprise when she saw him leaning on the wall of the lift she had been about to enter, only to pause, in her great state of shock, right between the doors.

He smirked. “You may want to decide if you want to come in, or not. Don't want to confuse the lift and all.”

She smiled weakly and he couldn't help but scowl when he noted that the longer she was in his presence the more this odd green tint grew on her face. She timidly walked into the lift, almost as if trying to calculate which path she could take to be the farthest away possible from him.

“I don't bite, you know,” he told her, watching her wish bemused eyes.

She couldn't contain her laugh at that one. “Now you and I both know that, that's not entirely true, James.”

He chuckled. “True, but that's only if you ask real nicely… You look good, Lils.

She smiled at him awkwardly, so clearly unsure as to how to react to such a situation. It was all so foreign, people didn't generally partake in small talk with exes, at least not willingly. They either remained mates, or avoided each other like the plague, and the two of them had been rather fantastic at the latter, so why stop what so clearly worked for them anyway?

“How've you been, James?”

He shrugged. “Many, many reports to fill with all the cases Sirius and I've been taking on as of late, but other than that I'm enjoying it... I've always wanted to be an Auror, you know that.”

She nodded. “That's… good…”

It was his turn to nod at that. “I—I heard about you and Diggory.”

Head snapping up, eyes widening, jaw slacking, she stared at him in shock. He'd actually addressed it, the fucking bastard had no shame, she grimly thought to herself. “He's great. When we were in school things got mucked up, yeah, but now… Time to grow, you know? We've both gotten to a point where being together is just really good.”

He gritted his teeth. “Really? I would have thought that with quidditch being his priority and all you'd have trouble finding topics to discuss.”

“Nope… In fact he gave me a whole new appreciation for the sport—oh, look at that! Well, this is my floor… Have a nice life, James.”

He watched as she flocked off, letting out a deep breath as she sashayed down the hallway of the hospital, and he couldn't help but curse her for always being one to stand up to a challenge. He really hadn't wanted to hear about how happy she and Amos were. He gritted his teeth in determination as he made a last minute choice and threw his arm between the closing doors of the lift, causing them to open, before steely making his way down the same path she had practically ran down only a minute before him.

“Lily,” he called after her once he finally regained sight of her, but the yell didn't have quite the effect he'd intended as it only compelled her to run, luckily for him, however, she had always been a klutz in those heels of hers and with three steps she tripped over her own feet.

“I just want to talk,” he told her as he helped her up, proffering a hand that she begrudgingly took, he suspected she only even bothered since she was desperate and he was causing a scene in the middle of the halls of St. Mungo's. “Just talk to me. We can even have lunch in the cafe here so you'll have the advantage of neutral territory,” he promised her, sending her one of those patented smiles that always allowed him to get his way with anyone. It was one that had taken years of practice to truly perfect.

She sighed biting her lip, and he could easily tell that she was making a pro and con list over her options in her head. “It's just lunch,” he reasoned.

“If it's just lunch then it shouldn't be such a big deal if I say no,” she gruffly told him, whipping her hand out of his which had still been clutching it, unbeknownst to either of them prior to that moment.

“We did a good job of avoiding one another before this, I don't see why we cant just go back to the way things were,” she furtively whispered to him, sending a measured glare his way that really made him wonder what his fate would have been had looks been able to kill. Scary.

He shrugged helplessly, “I've missed you.”

“And I've moved on,” she immediately retorted, reaching ends wit when he uttered those words after having been the bastard to end it so he could fuck every slag he met. “It was your choice to end things, not mine, James. But just because you were the one to break it off doesn't mean that I spent the last two years pining after you. I have better things to do as well as better people to do them with.”

He winced, ouch. “Now that's not very nice,” he weakly tutted her.

“Ugh!” she groaned in disgust, throwing her arms in the air in defeat. “You can't always make everything into a blasted joke, James; some things actually are serious, like when you hurt people or bother them for absolutely no reason. Just—just leave me alone!” she cried, pushing him out of her path, storming down the path towards wherever the bloody hell it was that she needed to go, and James was having none of it.

“I made a mistake, okay?” he called after her, right on her tail—a fact that he sorely regretted when she stopped suddenly, leaving him with no option but to run into her as he noticed much too late.

“Wha—wh—what?” she stuttered as she stumbled slightly when he came into contact with her back, but she didn't seem to care about the collision in the slightest.

“I made a mistake,” he told her. “And—and I'm sorry I hurt you. I get that I lost my chance, okay? I—I just miss you, and I was hoping I could at least have a shot at friendship,” he admitted with a small shrug as she turned around to face him, eyebrows furrowed in puzzlement as she took a noticeable gulp.

She let out a deep breath, bringing a hand up to her head, rubbing her temples as she closed her eyes. “I don't know what to say to you, James,” she slowly told him. “After everything that's happened with us I doubt that I even want to be friends with you. It's—it's just not us, and... and you hurt me, you really hurt me when you just got up and left one day without the slightest bit of indication that you weren't happy before that. I can't deal with having someone that I'm not sure if I can trust in my life. I don't need that.”

“Just give me a chance,” he persisted. “Give me a chance to prove myself, we can take it slow.”

She let out a deep breath, groaning lightly. “Don't—don't make me regret this, James, not again.”

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in
Now you're outside me
You see all the beauty
Repent all your sin

—

author's note: so sorry for not posting earlier, I actually thought I already put this up here [oops!]

Please review!
and, special thanks to my wonderful betas gitgit and LunaBella 006.

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4. Want•ed

Chapter IV: Want·ed
Song: Personal by Stars

Wanted:
Single f, under 33, must enjoy the sun, must enjoy the sea
Sought by single m: Mrs. Destiny, send photo to address, is it you and me?

“You can't possibly be serious?!” Remus groaned as he and Lily sat at the Green Leprechaun, enjoying lunch.

She winced, pouting. “I know, it was stupid of me, but I mean—well I did agree to give beings mates a go a week ago and then, when he called this morning… he used a phone, Remus, a muggle phone to call me and ask me to dinner, I couldn't not say no when he did that!” she argued.

He sighed tiredly, shaking his head as he threw it into the palms of his hands.

“Oh don't be so dramatic, you prat,” she angrily slapped his arm.

“I'm not being dramatic," he told her, raising his head to look her in the eyes, his tired and scrutinizing gaze making her shift in her seat in discomfort. He sighed before beginning again. "I'm just trying to understand how you could be so stupid, Lily. Don't you remember what happened the last time? Don't you remember how he broke your heart?”

“Of course I remember, Remus, you think it didn't hurt to have him do that to me?—To just leave me so he could 'sow his oats'? I hated him for it, but I'm tired, I don't want to hate him anymore, I just want to move on.”

“By having lunch with him,” was Remus's deadpanned response.

“I know it's probably not the best M.O.-”

His scoff, however, stopped her mid-sentence. “By 'not the best' I hope you mean worst ever!”

“Thank you,” she sarcastically snapped at him with a faux smile sent his way. “But the point is that I'm finally moving on, I'm getting past it all.”

“And what if he wants you back, then what ?”

She shrugged. “He doesn't.”

He raised a surprised eyebrow. “And how can you be so sure, Lily?”

“Well if he does I won't let it happen, I have Amos, and I won't leave him for James,” she assured him.

“Oh God, Lily,” he moaned. “I don't like this, I really don't like this, I hope you realize that.”

“But he's your best mate!”

“And so are you, I just don't want to see you hurt, love,” he told her with a small smile, extending his hand across the table of the booth and placing it over hers, massaging it lightly with his thumb.

“Thank you,” she quietly told him, smiling across at him shyly. “And you're one of mine too, but—I don't know why, but I feel as if I have to do this, prove to myself I'm over him, I guess.”

“I just hope you realize that if you have to prove it to yourself, you're probably not… and are probably setting yourself up for disaster.”

She paused. “Well then let's hope that's not the case, yeah?”

Reply to single m:
My name is Caroline cell phone number here, call if you have the time
28 and bored, grieving over loss, sorry to be heavy but heavy is the cost, heavy is the cost

He couldn't help but watch in amusement as she sat there, idly drawing some absurd and utterly incomprehensible pattern with her fingers into the tablecloth. He smirked as he watched her pout slightly before letting out a sigh, propping her head up against her hand, finally raising her gaze to meet his.

“Am I really so dull that you have to huff about it?” he asked her, his eyes dancing with a trace of beguilement mixed in with entertainment over the sight.

She had the decency to blush in response. “No... It's not that, it—well, it's odd, don't you think?”

“What?”

“You... me... Together, again. I mean, it didn't end terribly well last time.”

“I remember. I even have a small scar to prove for it,” he smirked.

Her cheeks tinted more, a feat that he hadn't even thought possible. “Sorry about that.”

“No,” he waved her off, “don't worry, I deserved it. And I was a prat... Even if it did hurt when you threw that blasted encyclopedia at me.”

She winced. “It wasn't my biggest volume, at least.”

He laughed. “Somehow that just doesn't alleviate the sting to my ego, all that much.”

“Eh, whatever. Your ego's large enough as it is anyway,” she quipped, winking at him teasingly.

“Now, that--that's a true testament to just how sorry you are over having thrown the bloody thing at me.”

“You know... this- this isn't all that bad, actually. I was expecting it to be a lot worse,” she admitted, bringing her glass up to her lips and taking a large sip of her screwdriver.

“Thanks,” he guffawed, but pleased nonetheless—not that he'd ever admit to that fact unless force fed veritaserum. He did have his pride to account for, after all.

“No, really. I expected the evening to be either: a. filled with tons of awkward pauses and tension-”

“Well, I think we did just have that a moment ago, actually,” he noted, sending her a sympathetic look.

“But we got past that,” she retorted, correcting him in a manner that made him reminisce over all the evenings spent bantering with one another. Arguing over pointless shite only to enjoy a nice and raunchy bout of make-up sex, the only reason that they even really made such strides in riling the other up. They really did enjoy that process far more than necessary given how sadistic it could be considered, now that he thought about it.

“Plus,” she continued, pulling him out of his reverie. “I was more scared of the fact that we might end the evening with my hexing you,” she admitted, not the least bit abashed by the volatile confession.

He smiled at her, warmly. “I've missed this, you know.”

“What?” she asked, eyebrows drawn as she tilted her head to the side, the picture of perplexity.

He shrugged. “Being with you, I missed it.”

Stonily. “Well it's your fault you were put in the position where you had to miss it.”

He cringed, wincing. “Come on, Lils-”

“Oh don't try to pull that line with me, James, I won't have it,” she stopped him. “Just because we're giving this, whatever the bloody hell it is, a go, doesn't mean that I'm about to just forget all of the shite that's gone on in the past. How you left me. You're forgiven, but it's hardly forgotten. So don't expect me to just let it go, and if you can't handle that, then leave.”

He groaned, pinching his nose. “Can't you cut me some slack?” he asked her, pathetically.

Her only response, however, was a cocked eyebrow and a look that said it all, it begged no words and at that moment he couldn't help but be grateful that there were none accompanying it. It really was a frightfully scary glare, that one.

“Fine, I'll admit, my way of ending things was less than tactful-”

She snorted.

He rolled his eyes, choosing to be the bigger man by ignoring it. Plus even he could admit that he'd really be pushing his luck by even uttering the slightest bit of protest. “But,” he continued, “I did love you, I really did.”

“Well you had a crappy way of showing it,” she muttered morosely, forcefully stabbing her red snapper with her fork.

He nodded. “And I am sorry for that,” he told her, earnestly.

She swallowed the morsel in her mouth. “I know, but...” she let out a deep breath, letting her cheeks puff up with air a bit before releasing the sigh. “Well come on, James, you dumped me so you could sleep around, you bruised my ego quite a bit with that one.”

He stiffened, not having expected her to be so blunt about it, despite the fact that it was Lily and she was nothing if not brutally honest. “I made a mistake.”

“Yeah... well, I'll admit it may have been for the best in the end... Why stay in a dead end relationship, right?”

“Ouch,” he mumbled, gruffly spearing his steak with a well-placed glare at the meat.

She laughed lightly, shrugging her shoulders as she took a last bite of her fish, chewing the food while sending him a smug smile. “Seriously, though,” she told him, swallowing her food. “We had our time and it was fun, but that chapter's over... How about we leave the past in the past and move forth, as friends?”

He winced. Well that's not exactly how I was hoping for my plan to go.

Reply to Caroline:
Thanks so much for response, these things can be scary
Not always what you want
How about a drink? The St.Jude club at noon?
I”ll phone you first I guess
I hope I see you soon!

“So you're mates with her now?” Sirius asked, cocking an eyebrow at him over his abnormally large mug of ale.

James shrugged. “Not exactly what I was hoping for, but yeah, we're mates, I guess.”

Sirius's eyebrows shot up. “Hmm...” he nodded numbly.

“What?”

“Well, it's just that you two have never really been friends.”

“So?”

“Eh,” Sirius motioned aimlessly, tilting his head from one side to the other in a rather pathetic and pointless display of something. What, James couldn't quite make out.

“Yes?”

“Well, I mean, you two have always had a pretty explosive relationship. One minute she hates you, the next you two are mauling each other, and the next you dump her like yesterday's trash. That's the saying, right? Lily always says it, but I'm terrible with those blasted muggle phrases of hers, no matter how much she forces them on me-” Sirius rambled, going of on a tangent.

James stopped him with a nod. “That's how it goes… And why the bloody hell shouldn't this work out? We're adults. It's been two years.”

Sirius sent him a look, gritting his teeth before finally answering. “Because you want to get into her pants, and I won't let you.”

Note to single m:
Why did you not show up?
I waited for an hour and finally gave up
I thought once that I saw you, I thought that you saw me
I guess we'll never meet now
It wasn't meant to be
I was sure that you saw me, but it wasn't meant to be

author's note: eh, so this chapter took ages to write out... I swear to god if my writer's block is returning to me, especially so soon, I think I may very well cry out of a violent bout of frustration, lol. Anyway, please review.

And a special thank you to my two betas gitgit and LunaBella 006!

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5. ei·det·ic

Chapter V: ei·det·ic
Song: Today will be better, I swear! by Stars

Old pale memories of someone you knew
Keep crawling through the back of your mind stealing time

In the daylight you're crossing all your wires
You never knew just how to put out a fire

The closet's been shaking with bones
Little reminders that you're out on your own

He sat there and watched her from across the bar, feeling an odd sense of déjà vu envelope him. He watched her laugh merrily, noting the quarter-filled bottle of whiskey and the shot glasses strewn across the table, guessing that the group must be playing some sort of drinking game. He missed her.

It was odd; a few years ago he had thought that ending it was the right thing to do. She had been great for him, and had been there with him through so much. But when he'd broken up with her he'd always thought that it was a necessary step, so he could sow his oats, so to speak, before he'd finally be able to settle down with her. Essentially, it all came down to the fact that at twenty-three she'd been able to settle down and he hadn't. But he'd always planned on it being her. It just wasn't the right time.

And, ironically enough, he'd just never assumed that she might find someone worth moving on with, much less an ex.

He sighed as he took a large sip off his Irish coffee, heavy on the Irish, deeply inhaling the scent as he moved his eyes downcast. He watched the murky brown liquid swirl in his mug for no apparent reason other than that he couldn't stand to watch her there, bumping shoulders with Diggory as she made some joke or another.

It wasn't fair, he grimly decided, scowling as he turned back to look at the table. It wasn't fair that he only got one chance. One strike and he was out—or at least that's how he thought the saying went, he was never one for American sports anyway.

He gritted his teeth as he remembered their last conversation, how her eyes had filled with tears that she wouldn't let fall when he'd coldly told her that it was over and she could keep the flat that they shared along with all of the furniture. Merlin, had he known what would come of the future, that his girl might now always be his girl but find another bloke to replace him, he wouldn't have made that blasted decision.

It all just seemed so stupid now, so folly. What had he to show for the two and a half years they were apart, a faceless slew of willing bodies? There was no denying the fact that it was fun and surely more than a bit empowering for his ego, but she was worth more than that. Why hadn't he seen that?

Why couldn't he see that being content wasn't terrible, that peace wasn't boring, that shagging one girl wasn't equal to death and perpetual monotony, especially if she was as kinky as Lily?

He heard a soft snort come from beside him, and sharply turned towards his mate, sending as powerful of a glare as he could muster to the prat. "What?"

Remus sent him an amused smile, not the least bit worried by the threatening look. “You're going to burn a whole through the back of her head if you keep on like that. And I highly doubt you'd find her nearly as attractive then…”

“Go to hell.”

“Ah, mate,” he patted James on the back. “I'm afraid that's your fate, not mine.”

“Bloody poofter.”

“Now that's not nice,” Remus dryly retorted, the amused look never leaving his face.

James gritted his teeth as he clenched his grip on the mug to the point of almost shattering it had it not had a shatterproof charm already placed upon it in case of such problematic instances, among others. “Wasn't meant to be.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “You were the one that let her go.”

“I realize that.”

“You can't just waltz back into her life when you feel like it, demanding to go back to the way things were.”

“Now that's a matter of perspective,” James countered, raising his right arm, along with his index finger, and waving it aimlessly, as well as pointlessly.

“Come on, mate. You couldn't just expect her to sit around twiddling her thumbs and waiting for you, saying `oh well, James is the best I can do, so I should just wait this phase out!'”

James shrugged. “A bloke can hope, can't he?”

“To the point of being a delusional idiot? Yeah, sure he can, but it's pointless.”

James sighed, raggedly running a hand through his hair. “I miss her,” he muttered.

“I know, but you hurt her… And, honestly, neither Sirius nor I think she should get back together with you.”

James laughed bitterly as he took another deep chug of his drink. “Why doesn't that surprise me?” he asked rhetorically, his voice raspy as he spoke, as he set his mug back down as he turned to look at Remus again.

“Amos is good for her, you know, really good. He adores her.”

“So do I.”

Remus grimaced slightly upon hearing that answer. “But Amos never hurt her.”

“I made a mistake, people are allowed to do those once in a while, you know!”

Remus nodded. “Yeah, I do, but I also know that there are always consequences. You just expected her to stay your girl forever. You honestly thought that despite everything when you were ready things would go back to the way they were, but they can't, James, everything's changed. It's been two and a half years, for fuck's sake.”

“I do realize that,” James defended.

“Obviously not clearly enough. Though… if you want to be friends with her, then fine. I'm all for it, but don't just start this under the pretense of friendship, pretending to be working towards that while actually having an entirely different agenda. She deserves some honesty from you, James. It's really about time you did her the courtesy.”

James let out a deep breath, raising both his hands and rubbing his face agitatedly. “What if that ruins everything, though?”

“And lying won't?” Remus asked, not missing a beat. “What do you think will happen when she realizes that being mates was all part of this huge scheme to get her to trust you in your quest to get back into her bed?”

“Oi!”

Remus rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I get it, it's not just for the shag, but that's the part that will resonate with her and you know it.”

James let out a ragged breath as he turned back o watching the table just in time to see Lily pull Diggory in for a deep kiss. “I'll talk to her tomorrow, yeah?”

“Good.”

author's note: I was actually going to include the scene where they talk in this chapter, and it's a long one, let me tell you, but when I started it and saw it actually there, it just didn't fit as well with the context, especially because of the long speech in the beginning of the piece where James reflects on their break-up so I decided to leave it out and use it for chapter five, make it longer and add to the conversation, maybe totally re-write it even.

Anyway, sorry for the wait, and please review.

p.s. as always, songs are availablle on my profile.

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6. Part•ings

Chapter VI: Part·ings
Song: Window Bird by Stars

Stuck on the wall, the note that you left
I wait and stall for the moment
Your reckless heart, you know you got it
Into the past, I try to sort it

“Hey,” he greeted her with a tight nod when she entered her living room only to find the shocking sight of him sitting on her chesterfield, staring at the entrance she'd just walked in through. Quite the heart attack that almost gave her.

“J—James, what the hell are you doing here?” she screeched, trying to reign in that intense urge to slap him silly for breaking and entering and scaring her shitless. Damn bastard.

He fidgeted slightly as he looked at her and she felt her anger begin to dissipate. She had always had a weak spot for befuddled James. “Um… your—your security measures are terrible. Remind to me to update your wards, anyone can get in.”

“That's not what I mean and you know it. What are you doing here, James?” she repeated.

“I had to talk to you.”

She nodded slowly, eyebrows furrowing as she watched him nervously rake his hands through his hair. What the bloody hell was going on?

“Okay,” she slowly responded, making her way to the chesterfield and seating herself on the coffee table before it. “About what?” she ventured.

“Us.”

“What about us, James?” she asked, her voice taking on a slight edge. He was well aware that that was never a subject matter she much enjoyed and the bastard better have something very uncontroversial to talk about or she'd hex him. She really wasn't in the mood for his usual bull shit.

He sighed. “I… I miss you, Lils?”

“I'm right here,” she pointed out, more than a bit perplexed by the admission.

“No… I mean I miss being with you… in a relationship.”

She felt her eyes practically pop out of her head at that declaration and she immediately snapped up, her back straightening and stiffening like a board. Well that was unexpected.

They sat there in silence for well over five minutes, Lily just blinking in quick repetitions as James gnawed on his lower lip in frustration. At the six minute mark, however, he decided to take a chance and moved his hand towards her, but she took him by surprise by suddenly pulling back as if burnt.

“Don't you dare,” she coldly told him, her voice barely above a whisper as she glared at him. “Don't you dare touch me,” she repeated. “I cannot believe your audacity, James! How can you just come in and say something like this?!”

“I—I wanted to be honest,” he fidgeted in his seat.

She guffawed. “About what? That now it suits you for us to be together—after all of the shite you put me through! Now that I've finally moved on?” she got up, throwing her hands up in the air before moving them into her hair, pulling on the strands in her fit of frustration. “You—you bastard!”

“Lily, I just—you told me it was time for me to grow up and I am trying to.”

“How?” she turned to him angrily, tears rapidly beginning to make their way down her face. “How? By coming in the way of the first stable relationship I've had since we broke up?”

“But I love you.”

She scoffed, “No you don't, you just hate being alone. You only hate the prospect that I might not be there anymore for whenever it is that you choose to want me again.”

“Oi, it's not like that,” he defended, leaping off of the chesterfield to stand in front of her.

“Yes it is!”

She groaned, turning and walking out of the sitting room and making her way towards the kitchen. She pulled out a bottle of wine. “You can't just decide like this, James. We were terrible together, there's no going back to that,” she resolutely told him as she poured herself a healthy serving of pinot.

“No we weren't, we were great… I know that I pulled away towards the end, but it was always you.”

“Bull shit,” she spat, calling him on his bluff.

“Pardon?” he reeled back slightly, not having expected that response.

“You may not have cheated on me, James, but let's be honest with ourselves here, you would have. You and I both know that. Breaking up with me, it was just so you could avoid the inevitable. The truth is that we're not really meant for one another. We never were and our history, our relationship is more than enough proof of that fact. Let's just mend what we can. Why try for something that we're so clearly incapable of succeeding in?”

“That's not true,” he gruffly told her, clenching his jaw as he listened to her practically spit on, what he believed to be a rather heartfelt speech on his part. Blasted chit, he thought to himself, trying to rationalize why the hell it was that out of all the women in the world she had to be the one he fell for, the most stubborn red-head to ever grace the planet.

“Don't be an obstinate prat,” she chastised him, smiling weakly. “You and I… that's just territory that's better off being left uncharted, at least this time,” she told him, leaning back against the counter. She let out an exasperated sigh as she watched him standing there stiffly, clearly unwavering in his stance, and she hated the fact that she couldn't be angry anymore, that he still had the power to make it dissipate like that. “Come on, James,” she pleaded weakly, ashamed of her own desperation. “We tried it, we failed, that's just how it is sometimes. Let it go and move on… I have.”

“But I've tried it all, Lily,” he burst out angrily, his temper getting the better of him. “I've seen the grass on the other side and all that shit and it's not nearly as green,” he retorted, nearing her, his scent enfolding her and unknowingly forcing her into a state of reverie as she was forced to remember all of those happy times… Merlin, he always smelled so good, it was a curse on her part, really, made him so damn tempting. She felt her knees weaken as he moved in on her; nose to nose as he leaned his forehead on hers, and try as she might to push him away she just couldn't bring herself to.

She looked at him wearily, finally breaking out of her daze and gaining the strength to move away from him, scoffing as he finished his absurd declaration. “You ended it, James, not me. I wasn't the happiest towards the end of the relationship either, but I didn't give up, you did. So don't give me this shit about how there's no harm in trying! You broke my heart once by leaving and I'm not stupid enough to let you do it again. Like I said, James, I've moved on, I really have despite what you may think—or, better yet, want to believe. Just leave me alone, let go.”

“What if I don't want to, if I can't?” he asked.

“Then we can't be mates anymore.”

He shook his head, moving a hand toward her cheek and touching it lightly, rubbing small circles into it. “Don't say that, Lils.”

“I—I have to, James. It's over.”

Your careless heart, you know you got it
I crawlt o bed, and try to forget

When we go down, your loss of courage
When we go down, you're so ferocious

Author's Note: I am so sorry for the wait for this chapter, but I have been bogged down with such an inane amount of work and adding that to divvying up my time between those hordes of work, swim team, and friends I haven't had much time for writing, but I'm hoping to make up for that.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it.

Thank you so much to my wonderful betas gitgit and LunaBella 006!

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7. A Tailspin

Chapter VII: A Tailspin
Song: Reunion by Stars

In the year of my decline
Sucking freezies in the rain
Diving twisted to the suburbs
And then driving back again

She bit her lip as she watched him from across the room. She honestly hated how he could do this to her, send her feeling for a tailspin as he did, and so easily too, it was bloody ridiculous, really. She shook her head in a futile attempt to clear it of those thoughts; needless to say, though, it didn't work in the slightest.

She groaned, rubbing her face in her frustration.

“Everything okay there, love?” her boyfriend's voice pulled her out of her reverie.

She swallowed the lump in her throat as she turned to him, pasting on a false smiled. “Yeah, I'm fine… perfect,” she told him with a ridiculous amount of pep.

But Amos bought it nevertheless, how she wasn't quite sure, it was so transparent, but he didn't seem to notice that in the least.

She sighed again, turning back to look at him. The bastard; she hated him, really. She blew out another large breath, practically feeling steam escaping through her ears as her anger continued to bubble.

Finally, she turned back to Amos, who was in a very intense conversation over something surely quidditch related. “I'll be back, okay?”

“Um, sure, love,” Amos distantly replied, immediately returning to his conversation and she couldn't help but smile at it. He always got so intense over that sport, particularly over who would make it to the world cup, it was ridiculous, really… but fascinating, too.

She licked her lips as she made her way over to him, trying to mentally prepare herself over whatever it was that was going to take place next. She let out a shaky breath, again, when she was only a meter away from him before taking that final step and tapping him on shoulder.

He immediately turned around and the shock on his face was clear. “Li—Lily?” he stuttered and she couldn't help the swell of pride she felt over leaving the James Potter almost speechless, or at least embarrassedly fumbling-like.

“Hi, James,” she shyly greeted him. “Um… do you think we can go find somewhere quiet to talk?”

He nodded numbly, just staring at me for two minutes before finally turning back to Remus, Sirius, and a few other blokes, mumbling: “I'll meet up with guys later, yeah?”

He then turned back to her, asking: “where to?”

“There's a small café across the street, how about a coffee?” she ventured.

“Okay, sounds good,” he replied, letting me lead him to the place.

When we were finally seated at a table in the corner by the window I finally spoke again. “We really need to talk…”

He nodded, again, but this time worriedly. “Okay.”

“You… ugh… you really broke my heart when you ended things—no, don't say anything, please. Just let me finish first, okay?”

He silently nodded, biting his lip lightly.

“When you ended things, it killed me. I mean, we were having our fair share of problems, but I didn't actually ever consider ending things over it, I thought that we could pull through… it hurt me that you could just give up easily. That one day you were living with me and then the next all of your personal belongings had just disappeared. Then there was that crap about seeing whether the grass was greener on the other side…” she trailed off, rolling her eyes at the thought.

He, at least, had the decency to look embarrassed as he blushed.

“Then… then I had to read in the prophet about how you've been flouncing about town with all sorts of women, and… and it just hurt, it hurt a lot to know that I wasn't enough, but they were,” she admitted, a deep frown etched upon her face.

He sighed. “It wasn't like that, not necessarily, Lils.”

“Then… then what was it like?” she asked, genuinely curious that time, no spite or malice in her tone.

“I was scared… shitless, really.”

“How?” she pushed.

“I could imagine a future with you, I mean I could see myself marrying you and having children and all the like with you, and it just terrified me. I mean, it brought on so many questions like was I even ready for that? Were you really it for me or was there someone else that I just didn't know because I'd been with you so long? It was daunting and there were so many doubts I couldn't ignore…”

She licked her lips, eyeing him sadly. “That's the thing though… I never had any doubts. I—I was tired of certain things, like constantly attending galas and other social events with you, I really just hated that pompous and fake shite, but I never had any doubts about you. I think… I think that's our problem, we weren't at the same place at the same time and we just lost our chance…”

“But what if we didn't?”

She smiled at him, sadly, as she moved her hand across the table and gently placed it atop of his, squeezing it. “I'm in a relationship, James, a happy one… you can't just decide that you're ready now; life doesn't work that way.”

“I know I don't deserve it, Lils, I get that, but what if we're losing something really great now, what if we're making a mistake by not giving it another go?”

“Well that's one more mistake, right?”

He winced, he knew she didn't mean to hurt him, she was just being honest, but the hurt that the blasé comment caused was undeniable. “Do you really mean that? Tell me the truth, Lils, and I'll leave you alone, let you go, if you want me to. Do you really think that this isn't worth another shout? Honestly?”

She floundered for minute, opening her mouth to no avail as no speech left it.

“Do you really think that Diggory is the bloke for you?” he persisted, sneering as he said the name of her boyfriend.

“I—I… ugh…” she stuttered at a total loss. “I don't know…”

He smiled, truly, for the first time that evening when she made that admission. “you're in for a hell of a ride then, Evans, I hope you realize that,” he told her with a confident grin before dropping some money on the table and making his way out of the café, leaving her to her thoughts.

All Lily could do at that point was groan and throw her head into her hands, shoulders slumping and all as the epiphany hit her: she was so screwed.

Your face is all that hasn't changed
You're reassembled just like me
But when I reach to touch your hand
You stroke mine gently

When she entered her office the following Monday the sight that greeted her wasn't what she'd expected in the least. Knowing James, she had prepared herself for some ostentatious display of affection—such as a slew of flowers crowding her office or the finest chocolates in all off Europe piled atop her desk in some outrageously fashionable manner that only a hired professional could pull off—but what she saw surpassed that. There in her office, lying simply and innocently on her desk was a scrap book.

She smiled as she walked to it, biting her lip in anticipation. She took off a post-it he'd pasted to its cover, reading the note:

Love,
Please don't mock or tell my mates
of this, I'd like to retain whatever
macho image I may have, despite my
desperation. So please, let's keep this
one between the two of us, yeah?

x James.

She laughed as she put down the note, moving onto the book, but when she saw the cover she gasped. The album, titled “The Potter Family Album,” had a picture of her and James at their wedding, or at least some random couple with Lily and James's faces messily pasted on top of the couples” heads.

She laughed as she flipped open the book. “He's crazy,” she muttered to herself as she took a seat at her desk and began reading the notes below the numerous pictures he'd prepared.

All I want is one more chance
To be young and wild and free
All I want is one more chance
To show you you were right for me
You were right for me!

author's note: I know, it's been ages and I apologize for it, but I do finally have this entire story mapped out and will update ASAP, if that's any consolation.

I apologize for allowing life to get in the way like this, there is no excuse for such a ridiculously long wait, but hopefully you'll forgive me and review!

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8. The New-Old and the Old-New

Chapter VIII: The New-Old and the Old-New
Song: Time Can Never Kill the True Heart by Stars

One step closer to the sea wall
Looking down, you can see all
Hold my hand so you don't fall
Catch your breath as the gulls call
One heart out of two
One life: me and you
One heart out of two
One life: me and you

“You're bad,” she announced as she made her way into his office.

He put down the file that had previously been blocking his face, smirk plastered onto his face. “I told you to be prepared,” he reminded her, eyes twinkling with amusement and mischief.

She laughed, dropping the album onto his desk. “So Harry and Jillian, huh?”

He shrugged. “I had this really cool uncle named Harry, he taught Sirius and I how to play quidditch, actually…”

She nodded, smiling. “And Jillian?”

“Oh she's purely strategically named.”

Lily laughed, cocking her head to the side. “Oh, really?”

“Well yeah, let's see, there's Jilly-Billy, Jelly-Bean-”

“You mean to tell me that you came up with that name solely for the nicknames?”

He shrugged, grinning. “I did say it was a strategic move, didn't I?”

She shook her head, chuckling. “James…”

“You liked it, right?”

“Well it was certainly unexpected,” she admitted.

A flash of insecurity struck him, his expression quickly turning to one of worry as his eyebrows furrowed and wrinkles formed on his forehead. “You liked it, though, right?” he repeated, that time far less securely and cockily as previously.

Lily sent him a soft smile, nodding her head—much to his relief. “Yeah, I really did.”

“I meant it you know… I really did imagine it, maybe not as intensely as it was drawn out there, but the notions come once or twice.”

“It was—I… I appreciate it, honestly,” she assured him.

“Good,” he announced. “I'm glad… and chance that appreciation extends to allotting me a chance to take you out for dinner this Friday?”

She shook her head. “It appreciate it, James, but I'm not dense… you want me back you're going to have to do a hell of a lot more than just that. It's a big first step, but it's only the first one, love,” she told him before getting up. “I'll see you around,” she promised him, exiting the office.

Last mile in the pale light
Take me home with you tonight
We'll touch 'til it feels right
You won't say "love" but I might
One heart out of two
One life: me and you
One heart out of two
One life: me and you

“Amos… we need to talk,” Lily announced as the two of them sat in her dining room, eating some curry she had picked up for them on her way home.

“Yeah, love?” he brightly smiled her way.

She sighed, he really was such a sweet bloke, it was a shame he'd become entangled in her and James's mess, he didn't deserve that in the least. “I…” she paused, sighing. “Friday night, when we were at the bar and I left, it… it was to talk to James.”

Amos's stare became hard immediately. “Potter?” he checked through gritted teeth.

Lily nodded mutely.

“Why?”

Eyes shamefully downcast Lily admitted: “I wanted to talk about our breakup.”

“And?”

“And he's wooing me again…”

“And?”

She looked up at him, her heart breaking at the sight of him. With his jaw clenched and hard stare she could still see the under layer of hurt, as if he knew what was coming next. “And I think you'd be better off not with me as he tries.”

“So you're going to accept?”

She nodded slowly. “I'll make him go through hell first, but… but I love him, Amos.”

“I thought you love me.”

“I do,” she assured him. “But James…”

“I get,” he harshly stopped her, hurt no longer even hidden. “It's Lily and James, the epic couple… I get it…”

“I'm sorry,” she whispered, her voice breaking as her eyes welled up with tears. “I never meant to hurt you; I honestly thought you could be the one…”

That announcement took him by surprise. “Honestly?”

“Yeah,” she breathed. “After James, it was so hard for me to get back on my feet, but then I reconnected with you and everything just fell into place, I felt safe and strong with you… you were—are amazing. Not once did I even think of him while I was with you, not until he came back.”

Amos smiled sadly. “I know it may make sound like a total arse, but that does help a bit, makes it hurt a little less…”

“Really?” she asked, hopefully.

“Yeah, I mean you can't fight fate, that's what you always say, right?”

“I thought you always said that was total crap?” she grinned.

He shrugged. “Who knows, maybe I was wrong, too cynical… whatever. Just—just don't let him hurt you again, Lils, you deserve better than that pain.”

“I won't, like I said: hell and back.”

He chuckled. “But, seriously, if he does, come to me, I reserve the right to pulverize him; I mean he did make me lose you.”

“Deal.”

“Right,” he nodded, getting up slowly. “I'm just going to go…”

She nodded, walking with him towards the door. Just as Amos was about to exit though, she stilled the door. “Amos?”

He turned back to her, expression perplexed. “Yeah?”

“I… I know I'm pushing it, but is there any chance that maybe…”

“Maybe?” he repeated.

“Maybe we can be friends after this? I really love you; I'd hate to lose you from my life.”

He paused, but after a minute or so he finally spoke, quietly: “I'll need time.”

Lily beamed. “But there's a chance?”

“Yeah, I'd like it too… I just need time…”

“You just… you contact me when you're ready, I'll wait, I'll give you all the space you need, no pushing!” she eagerly promised.

“Thank you.”

She scoffed. “For what?”

“For telling me about James before anything happened,” he told her with a small smile before leaving.

Made love and you muttered, "we're through"
One heart but the mind was in two
One half filled with the dreams of a saint
The other filled with nothing but hate
I hope I die in the arms of a child
In a meadow where the thistles grow wild

`you're fucked,' Alice haughtily announced.

“And why the hell am I fucked?” Lily asked, rather huffily.

“Because you're an idiot,” Alice screeched, gaining quite a bit of attention from the other patrons of the bar where the pair were enjoying a lunch of an astronomically large portion of chips.

Lily gasped. “No, I'm not!”

“Yeah you are,” Alice retorted immediately. “You lost your edge!”

“My edge?” Lily asked disbelievingly, popping a chip into her mouth.

“Yes, I mean you had it all going for you, you had the upper hand here!”

“How so?” Lily asked, more so to appease Alice than out of any interest in the surely faulty reasoning for her suppose mistake. The girl really was a nutter.

Alice squinted at her oddly, leaving Lily a bit disconcerted as she couldn't help, but wonder if she had some terrible grease stains all over her face or something equally grotesque and unattractive. “Are you stupid?”

Apparently her worries were futile.

“No,” Lily quickly replied, saving no time to think.

“Ugh,” Alice groaned, quickly growing frustrated with Lily's nonplused attitude. “You had everything, Lils—you'd showed him you'd moved on by having Amos, and you could show him that he really needs to fight for you.”

“I don't want to use Amos.”

“Oh, why do you have to be so nice? It's really unbecoming,” Alice groaned, slamming her head unto the table.

“That looks like it hurt,” Lily quipped.

Alice brought her head up, a deep glare and cowl etched unto her face. “Shut up.”

Lily laughed. “No need to be so bitter, love… and I want him, I can't deny that, Alice. There's no doubt in my mind that I do want him back, we were good together and I miss him. I'm not about to string Amos along if there's really no doubt in my mind that it won't last; he's a nice bloke, better to me than James ever was, he deserves better than that.”

“Still!” Alice moaned.

Lily smiled, consolingly patting her mate's hand. “I know, sweets.”

“But… umgph…”

“I'm still going to make him go through hell and back,” Lily reassured her.

Alice let out a large puff of air. “I just don't want to see you get hurt again, Lils… and… well, with James, your chances of it are a lot higher, especially if you don't keep your upper hand.”

“It can't always be a battle over power though,” Lily argued.

Alice shrugged. “It shouldn't be, I'll admit… but I just don't want your heart broken, I still think he's a bastard.”

Lily paused, nervously biting her lower lip. “Do you…” she paused, “do you think there's no chance that he's changed?”

Alice shrugged. “He may have, I don't know. All I know is that I saw you fall apart last time, and I don't want it to happen again, you deserve better than that…”

Lily smiled. “I love him, you know?”

“I know,” Alice nodded. “It just worried me that you may love him more than he does you. Last time, you thought he was as committed as you were, we all did, and look at where that led you towards the end. You were miserable, you resented him…”

“But things have changed, haven't they?”

“I don't know,” Alice responded, honestly. “You've always been strong in terms of everything, but your heart. Just… be careful with him. don't get ahead of yourself now, don't tell yourself you're going to make him go through hell and back only to stop halfway through that route simple because you love him so much that you can't bear to punish him anymore.”

Lily nodded, her face contemplative.

“Just…” Alice paused with a sigh, clenching her jaw as she scrutinized her best friend. “Just don't be a pussy… make him pussy whipped.”

Lily choked on air upon hearing that pronouncement. “Alice!”

“What?” Alice asked with a faux-innocent, impish smile.

One heart out of two
One life: me and you
One heart out of two
One life: me and you

author's note: a quick update in an attempt to make up for the incredibly long wait for the last chapter, hopefully this did a good job of it.

Please review!

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9. Calendar Girl

Chapter IX: Calendar Girl
Song: “Calendar Girl” by Stars

If I am lost for a day; try and find me
But if I don't come back, then I won't look behind me
All of the things that I thought were so easy
just got harder and harder each day
December is the darkest and June is the light but this empty bedroom won't make anything right
While out on the landing a friend I forgot to send home
Who waits up for me all through the night
Calendar girl who's in love with the world Stay alive

“Hi,” Lily meekly whispered when he walked into his office to see her seated at his desk, in his seat.

His breathing slowed a bit as he took in the sight before him, for some inane reason he found it incredibly sexy—the way that she had her legs propped up against a corner that she often saw him using for the exact same task. “Hey, love,” he greeted her with a small smile, moving to take a seat opposite her.

She didn't say anything after that and he wasn't sure where to go from there, she left him rather befuddled. So he sat there and simply watched her. There was something off, that was clear as day, but the question of what it was pestered him to no end. Whatever it was, it was clearly vital given the way that she was fidgeting in the seat, wringing the hem of her knee-length pencil skirt as she nibbled her lower lip.

“Are you okay?” he finally asked, voice coming out like a croak.

She nodded slowly. “I think so…”

His eyebrows drew together. “Lils, what's going on here?”

“I… I broke up with Amos two days ago.”

He nodded. “I heard.”

Her head snapped up in surprise at that proclamation and she sent him a questioning look.

“Sirius ran into his mate, Fenwick, at the pub last night and apparently Benji was there picking up accoutrements for getting pissed and forgetting your existence.”

“Charming,” she drawled as a flash of hurt marred her face.

“Sorry,” he whispered, wincing as he only just realized how callous that had come out. Lily always had told him that he had a tendency to stick his foot in his mouth with his penchant for not thinking comments through before voicing them.

“It's okay,” she shrugged. “May fault… I was the one that ended it, after all.”

“So… is that why you came here… to tell me?” he asked, not sure where all of the sudden tension was coming from when not even three days ago they had been kidding and flirting like old times. `What had altered? How had it changed so quickly?' he couldn't help but ask himself.

“No.”

“Oh,” he said, mainly for lack of anything else to say.

“Alice said something to me… she made a really important point, actually…”

At the mention of Alice his expression immediately grew steely, as much as he loved the girl at times, she was also often a chit, one who surely wasn't happy about the prospect of him and Lily reuniting after what had happened last time. “Oh,” he said again.

“Yeah,” Lily nodded as she took her legs off of the desk and sat down, properly, her stance tense.

When Lily made no move to continue her thought he decided to help her out a bit by saying: “so what crucial point did she make anyway?”

At the rate Lily was nibbling on her lip it seemed likely she'd tear it, he noted. Finally, however, she got up whatever courage she could and said the last thing that James expected her to, at that point at least: “you hurt me.”

That statement left him dumbfounded; he didn't know how to reply to that. Rehashing the past, that past, admittedly wasn't something he was too fond of as he was reminded of his mistakes. “I… I-”

“Don't,” she saved him from having to deliver some feeble and fumbling apology. “I didn't come here to hear that. I know that you regret it, but… well I don't think you understand just how much you hurt me, James. I loved you, I really loved you, and then suddenly you just up and left me because you had to see if the grass was greener on the other side.”

He winced, but didn't speak, allowing her to finish.

“I…” she stopped herself again, releasing a deep breath as she tried to collect her thoughts. “It scares me that it might happen again… it scares me that you don't realize just how much you screwed up—that you'll get me back and it'll be as if nothing happened. I don't know what to do here, James, I'm scared. I don't want it all to end up mucked up again; I want to do it right this time.”

“I do, too,” he admitted, voice coming out like a croak.

“That's also why I'm going to need space.”

His eyes widened and he felt that they might actually pop out of their sockets in their shock. “Wh—what?” he sputtered. “But I… I thought you said…”

“Not like that,” she shook her head. “I just… I need you to accept that I need time, that I need my space, that I can't just fall back into a routine with you. You're dangerous for me, James, I love you so much, but you're also capable of hurting me and I want to protect myself this time, I want to be sure and have no regrets. I need to be.”

He sat in silence for a good five or so minutes, simply staring down into his lap as he processed her words, but when he finally looked up a charming smile overtook his visage. “What exactly is rushing?”

A flood of relief spread through her body as her face gained a soft, pink hue. “Anything that involves a first date before a month from now passes.”

“But in a month…?”

She shrugged coquettishly. “If things are still going well with us…”

“They will be,” he promised her, a stern look on his face marring it after hearing her mention such a blasphemous prospect. “So, anyway… your schedule, how's it looking on the tenth of next month?... Just to be sure…”

She nipped her lip, smiling. “That's a Wednesday, right?”

He nodded in reply.

“Well I think I can possibly make an exception for you and take the day off.”

He grinned. “Really?”

“If you woo me well enough then anything is possible, I suppose,” she drawled with a wink.

His grin widened. “You're on, Evans.”

I dreamed I was dying; as I so often do
And when I awoke I was sure it was true
I ran to the window; threw my head to the sky
And said whoever is up there, please don't let me die
But I can't live forever, I can't always breath
One day I'll be sand on a beach by a sea
The pages keep turning, I'll mark off each day with a cross
And I'll laugh about all that we've lost
Calendar Girl who is lost to the world
Stay Alive
Calendar Girl who is lost to the world Stay Alive
January, February, March, April, May I'm alive
June, July, August, September ,October I'm alive
November, December, yeah all through the winter, I'm alive
I'm alive

Fin.

author's note: there you have it… I was originally going to include the path to getting her back but ultimately, when planning it, I realized that it'd either be mindless fluff in the end or I would have to add in pointless drama to make it interesting, and I'm really not one for complicating a life anymore than it need be.

Hope it didn't disappoint too much, and please review!

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