When She Smiles

deeartist101

Rating: PG13
Genres: Angst, Romance
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 6
Published: 26/09/2008
Last Updated: 01/10/2008
Status: completed

The wizarding world comes out of the Final Battle celebrating their defeat of Voldemort, but divided by the effects of war; Harry, Hermione, and Ron especially. Can a smile help Harry and Hermione move on? Rated PG13 for some swearing and mention of sex.

Chapters

1. Party?

2. The Graveyard

3. Smile

1. Party?

A.N.:This is my first fanfiction and I'm really excited to be posting here at portkey! This story is based on “Absolutely” by Nine Days. I hope you enjoy it!

Chapter One:

This is the story of a girl,
Who cried a river and drowned the whole world!
And while she looked so sad in photographs,
I absolutely love her,
When she smiles...

The wizarding world was divided after the war. This time it wasn't because of prejudice, or blood, or sex, or what school you went to, or what type of being you were, or even what wizarding family you came from. Oh those were there of course as they always had been and probably always would be, but there was something much more subtle and all the more potent for its subtleness at foot. Something that most wizards didn't think was different at all. Something more obvious to the three of us than anyone else.

Whether or not you like it or will it to happen, war does change you. You cannot watch people die in front of your eyes and learn to turn away indifferently without a huge change on your outlook on life. You cannot watch people you considered close friends suffer and turn a blind eye so that you can continue fighting without building a few walls around your heart. You cannot stay up every night studying as much defensive spells as you possibly can in an attempt to live through the next day and not think about dying. You cannot kill another living person without feeling guilty, even if you do it to save the lives of your friends, your family, and your self. You cannot come out of all of that alive and watch your loved ones being buried without wishing that you had died instead of them.

And for the three of us, you cannot witness the darkest of magic ever used, spend a year destroying it, and not be able to tell anyone else what it was you were doing without forming an unbreakable bond that not many could understand. That you yourself sometimes did not understand. It separates you, makes you different from everyone else, and makes you rely on each other at all times for everything. After all, who else but us could say they'd been to the pits of hell and made it back again and who of those people could explain how they did it in words?

Anyway, the division was there between those who had fought at the front lines and those who had done their part at home. Friends and sweethearts who'd seemed inseparable at the beginning of all this could no longer relate. It was like all those who hadn't seen what we had seen were living in some fantasy land where everything was ok while those who had were tormented by the thought that everything was not. That ok seemed so very far off from where they were. The worst part was, none of the fantasy land people realized that anything was really off, they just continued going and going like it could just be easily forgotten. Like it wouldn't stick to us like glue once Voldemort was finally gone. After all, we `won'; we should be celebrating.

Yes we won. We also lost. Lost brothers, sisters, wives, husbands, children, uncles, aunts, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, grandparents, cousins, and teachers. Voldemort was gone as were the death eater's who cowered beneath us after the three of us killed Voldemort. Houses were demolished, hearts broken, people killed, and blood shed.

But all of this paled in comparison when Witch Weekly started mentioning celebratory balls and parties. Articles abounded on Hermione, Ron, and I. Speculation on whether Hermione would end up with Ron, Krum, or me. On whether or not I'd get back together with Cho or Ginny. On Ron's interlude with Lavender in sixth year. We were the highest of celebrities regardless of our feelings on the subject.

Ironically enough, it was Hermione who told us that we should attend each and every party we were invited to and live out our fame in good grace until it died down. Ron and I nearly had a coronary and fumed all of our frustrations out on her for an hour. She was supposed to be on our side; surely she understood how horrible everyone was acting! She sat there and took our rant with quiet dignity and when we were done she said something I'll never forget.

“Yes, going to parties right now seems brash and crude to us. Being celebrated when all we want to do is cry or go back in time to save more people is absolutely horrid. Watching people spend more time thinking about our love lives than respecting the dead is unthinkable to us. But…but not to the people who have lived their lives in fear for far too long. Whether we feel it right now or not, this is the mark of a new and happier era. A time when no one has to fear coming home to the dark mark and their dead families. They may not have been through what we have, but they have been through enough and this-living- is what we were fighting for in the first place. It's harder for us to move on than almost anyone else. We've seen more horrors, but we have not done more. Each and every person fought in their own way. We fought a part of the battle other people did not know about and we won. People celebrate us because we're a symbol to them. If we can move on and rebuild ourselves from the ashes, so can they. We've all lived far too long in ashes, and something needs to be done to pick our society back up. To leave behind despair, but not to forget what we've lost either. We can help with that because the people will follow our lead. We'll go to all the funerals, all the speeches, all the rebuilding, and yes all of the parties. We will live if for no other reason than to make sure the wizarding world follows along in our footsteps. It wont be easy and I suspect at first a lot of it will be acting. Maybe longer than at first. But we've got to do it because we may have won the battle against Voldemort, but we have another grueling battle to face up to. Its courage after the fight; the courage to move on. And we've got to; we've got to encourage others to as well. When it's just the three of us we can cry, we can scream, we can yell until we're horse with anguish, but out there we may show only some sadness. Some, but not so much so that anyone, even the smallest child, begins to feel hopeless. They don't understand how we feel, no one will, but they also feel hurts. Ones that we may not understand; ones that may be completely different from our own. A society that hurts and doesn't move forward is a society that expires. We cannot let that happen. So go and dust off your dress robes boys, we have a ball at the Ministry tomorrow night.”

She gave us a stern look that couldn't quite hide the tears in her eyes and we felt like the biggest gits in the world. Of course Hermione was fed up with the way everyone was acting, but like usual she was a hundred steps ahead of us and willing to loop around patiently to bring us up to speed. She had analyzed the situation perfectly and come up with the only solution that would benefit as many people as possible. It would be excruciating for us, but it was absolutely true. It wasn't just our love lives people followed. We were their heroes, and right now they needed us to keep being their heroes. If that meant going to awful parties and smiling fake smiles, we would do it without complaint. Well…at least where anyone could hear us.

So we accepted invitations to each and every ball, party, speech, funeral, and building re-opening. We allowed ourselves to be coddled, complimented, and invaded by the press to keep up the morale. We kept our voices light and hopeful, we smiled, we danced, we dated…sort of, but I'll get to that later. Ron and I would falter with the acting once in a while, but Hermione was a determined jewel. She fought for everyone, of all species, to come together to form a stronger society than the last one. To get rid of prejudices that caused feuding and come up with peaceful alliances. She cried lightly at funerals, but never as much as I knew she was dying to. She backed Remus for the first non-human ever to become Minister of Magic and won the wizarding world over by sheer force of will to make the wizarding world a stronger and safer place. She made speeches that had her listeners crying with hope at the end and helped Ron and I to write the same. It's safe to say that the main reason the Wizarding World got back on its feet so quickly was due in large part to Hermione, my brilliant best friend and so much more.

Ron and I were the only ones who saw her moments of despair, tiredness, and stress. We saw her cry, we saw her scream, and we saw her punch and kick the stuffing out of a punching bag. We saw her fall back onto her bed with exhaustion with the knowledge that if needed she would be up and acting energetic at a moments notice. We saw her fight to forget that even with all the precautions she had taken with her parents; giving up her home source to keep them safe, some rough bandit muggles had killed them anyway. We saw that the super-human effort she put out that astounded everyone down to Draco Malfoy nearly killed her. We hardly ever saw her smile for real. I doubt Ron ever did.

I knew that I would never, no matter what good I did for my entire life, ever deserve this woman. This best friend who was there for me in the middle of the night when I had nightmares of Voldemort's face right before he died. Who held me when I cried and told her I was too weak to keep up this front that she got through with such selfless effort. Who pushed my hair back and kissed my scar gently and told me it would all be alright in the end. That she would always be here to help me through and if she had to give up every spare moment in her life trying to make me smile that she would in a heart beat and she'd never regret it either. Who actually laughed, a real and happy laugh, when I sarcastically quipped that I would smile when she did.

I remember our first night with stunning clarity and I'm sure I always will. Ron had left the Durmstrang Ball with some bird he didn't know and we didn't expect to see him until early afternoon the next day or even the day after. It wasn't new to us and I had done the same on many occasions, even though I always felt guilty afterwards. Hermione always waited until around date four or five to go and shag a guy, but she'd had many date four or fives. The entire bloody world wanted a piece of the Golden Trio's tail so to speak. Anyway, this night Hermione and I came home and decided to spend the night alternately watching movies and talking together. That resolution didn't last long and it was all Hermione's neck's fault.

We settled into our usual position when we were watching the telly- when we had time to watch the telly that is. I leaned back against the armrest and the back of the couch and Hermione sat between my legs, leaning her back against my chest. I wrapped my arms around her waste and leaned my head on her shoulder and she brought her hands around her folded up knees and leaned her head against mine. It really was one of the worst and the absolute best of fates that she still had her hair up after the ball, exposing a long line of graceful and slender neck that smelled just like Hermione. I really don't know what was going through my head when I decided I needed to taste it, to taste her, but by the time I realized I had thought it, it was far too late to stop myself from trying.

I leaned slightly into her and she didn't seem to notice too much. When you slept spooned up next to one another in a tent for body warmth you didn't worry so much about personal space anymore. I let my lips brush lightly across her neck and apart from stiffening slightly she did nothing. I took this as my sign and I opened my mouth and trailed hot open-mouth kisses up and down the column of her throat. Her breathing hitched slightly and I moved my hands up and down her arms in a slow caress as I continued to explore her neck. When I suckled slightly on her ear-lobe she moaned out my name. I think that was when I finally snapped.

The next morning I woke tangled up with a naked, sleeping Hermione and my bed sheets. I smoothed her hair back behind her ear and she mumbled something unintelligible and moved closer to me, pressing all sorts of nice womanly bits against areas which were all too happy to feel them. That's when I decided to wake her up and it was a rather bloody fantastic wake-up shag as were all the shags the previous night.

But nothing, absolutely nothing, equaled the smile she gave me afterwards. It was a happy, real, honest-to-god smile; one that I hadn't seen her use anytime in the past three years since we went to search for the Horcrux's or maybe even longer than that. A smile that lit up her entire face, including those dark chocolate pools of warmth, and made heat bubble inside me. A smile that made all the pretending, all the pain, all the hardships, and death, and sweat we'd gone through seem possible to heal so long as I saw it on her face. And, just like I said I would, I answered hers with one of my own. That smile made me start to hope again although all I realized at the time was that she looked happy and I liked making her look that way.

We spent many nights discovering each other's bodies. I learned every single way to touch, lick, nip, taste, and feel her that would make her go crazy and she did the same for me. We would go until we made each other hoarse. Sometimes slow and passionate, sometimes dirty and rough. Anyway, all the ways, as much as we could. And no matter how bloody amazing it was and how much better it was with her than with any other woman, the very best part was always the smile that came after it.

We never acknowledged this relationship or even defined it. Outside of the flat we shared with Ron, we were still just the very best of friend's. The only person who knew, besides us of course, was Ron. We never talked about it. We would just come home and one of us would throw the other a look, or touch them in a little way that was more than friendly, sometimes we would just pull the other down for a kiss. It was a comfort, it was something that made us smile, it was utterly enjoyable, it was hot, and it was a secret from the wizarding world.

I'm not exactly sure why we kept it a secret from our society. It definitely would have built up their hope to see us in a serious relationship, if not break a few hearts according to Witch Weekly. It would have shown us living life just like we'd been trying to display for the past year. Nothing would have been better for the public. Except…except, we were tired of always playing the heroes. We wanted something that was out of the public eye of judgment and speculation. We didn't want people to ask us if we were in love or getting married. We wanted something carefree and just ours; something to make us really smile.

Of course Ron teased us about it mercilessly. He asked us if we thought we might let people know who the father was when Hermione had her first child or tell people who had placed the ring on her left hand. We always blushed bright red and changed the subject. At that point I foolishly still believed it was just sex between passionate best friends, something that made us happy, something where I didn't have to pretend because honestly out of the two people I could be myself with, Hermione was the girl. A rather gorgeous girl in my opinion and those of wizard's across the globe now that she was allowed to shine with her sheer brilliance. Intimidatingly smart was the new sexy and Hermione set the standards, of course bringing woman equality up right with it.

I was stupid, I was lying, I was shielding myself from any emotions, and now I can admit I was scared. Hermione was none of those things. I'll never ever get over how much I hurt her. I deserve her a hundred thousand times less than I even did before sleeping with her, and if you'll remember I couldn't ever deserve her then. I'll never make it up to her completely. But I'm also selfish enough to admit that I decided to try to get her back anyway. But that's getting way ahead of myself.

About five months after we started shagging, Hermione did start asking about our relationship. She wanted to know what exactly we were and when we were going to bring it into public eye. All things I should have told her the first day; all things I hemmed-and-hawed about for a week until she cornered me and demanded I stop avoiding her. Of course that wasn't all she said. She also told me that she was in love with me.

I am and always will be the absolute biggest prat in the world. If there is one thing I could re-do in my entire life it would be that exact moment. I'd have taken her in my arms, told her how very much I was in love with her, and made sure she was mine forever. I'd have married her, had children with her, grown old with her, and been happy with her from that moment on.

Instead, I froze for about two minutes while she shuffled nervously from side to side and finally asked, “Harry?” I completely panicked. No one had ever told me they loved me before and I'd convinced myself we were just friends with benefits. I told her that we needed to break it off right then. That she felt too much and I couldn't feel the same or lead her on any longer. I took one look into her pretty pain filled eyes and ran out the door and to the nearest pub.

I went home with a bird with deep-brown eyes that night and tried to forget Hermione in bed with that other woman. I did that many nights all with different birds, always failing, sometimes calling out Hermione's name instead. I broke my best friend's heart and couldn't even bear to look her in the eyes to see what I'd done. Ron was livid with me and I suspect only Hermione kept him from pummeling me. I wish she hadn't. It seemed like the end of the Golden Trio and the whole world went mad trying to figure out why we were fighting. We never let on and some of the rumors came far to close to the truth, but no one could ever now what was really happening except for the three of us. And the love of my life no longer smiled that special smile, but the world never saw anything except her fake happiness and her inner strength. I doubt even Ron could tell that difference, but I could, and I knew, and I wouldn't admit to myself how much I suffered because of it.

How many days in a year?
She woke up with hope but she only found tears.
And I can be so insincere,
Making her promises never for real!
As long as she stands there waiting,
Wearing the holes in the soles of her shoes!
How many days disappear?
When you look in the mirror so how do you choose?
Your clothes never wear as well the next day,
And your hair never falls in quite the same way-
But you never seem to run out of things to say...

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2. The Graveyard

AN: I'm really happy with the reviews I've gotten, thank you for reading! Hopefully, this chapter will explain Harry's feelings and thoughts a little more!

Chapter Two

This is the story of a girl,
Who cried a river and drowned the whole world!
And while she looked so sad in photographs,
I absolutely love her,
When she smiles...

It was about two months after I had broken up with her that I finally admitted to myself that I missed her desperately. I carefully shied away from admitting how desperately, but I knew that I was dying on the inside worse than I ever had been before. It wasn't like she never talked to me. She was cordial and polite to me, keeping up the good face of the Trio for the wizarding world and never quite looking me in the eye no matter how long I stared at her. In fact, if Ron hadn't been so surly with me all the time, the public might not have noticed a rift at all.

Yet, she never talked to me at the flat. We never had late conversation where she reassured me. We never shared secret smiles. She never wrapped her arms around me and I could never wrap my arms around her. She was never around me long enough for me to fully observe all those wonderful little habits of hers I'd never really thought about before, but that I could remember with perfect clarity like little stabs to my heart. The way she nibbled on her lip when she was thinking, or scrunched her nose when she was angry, or twirled her hair around her finger when she was secretly pleased, or unconsciously pouted when she was sad or stressed. And worst of all, she no longer smiled at me, not even her fake one, and especially not my special one.

I started visiting my parent's graves more and more often. As the weeks passed there wasn't a day that went by where I didn't go. And each and every single time I'd spend hours and hours telling them every single thing about Hermione I could ever remember. I told them about how at first I thought she was a bossy-know-it-all, but I still admired her because she was never mean to me like people were before Hogwarts. I told them how she slowly changed into a more fun person, but never ever gave up her intelligence and how proud I was of her because of that. I told them about her fierce loyalty and how sometimes it brought me to my knees to think that someone would do that for me. I told them about her vibrancy in the face of discord and how she fought to make her ideals meet public needs and come into use as soon as possible. I told them her ideals and the equality she fought for because she believed everyone deserved a chance for freedom. I told them how she had me in awe of her determination and courage to face off every opponent and come out with what was best for the majority. I told them about all her little quirks that I missed so much. I told them that she loved me and I was the biggest fool of all to let her go. I told them that she was so much better than me and always, always would be.

The day that I admitted the last bit was, of course, the day Ron finally decided to follow me. Apparently, he still liked me more than I thought because he got worried about how much time I was spending in an `unknown place that obviously wasn't with a bird because I always had tears in my eyes when I got back.' Did I, I hadn't even noticed. Way to boost the manly pride there.

He told me I was right. I was a fool and if I thought that sitting here telling this to some graves instead of the woman that needed to hear it was the stupidest thing I'd ever done. That I was making both Hermione and myself miserable by being a bloody prat and he was god-damn tired of Hermione trying to get him to tell her what was wrong with me all the time. Hence the trip to the grave-yard after me. So much for liking me more than I thought. He told me this was unnecessary and masochistic. I told him to stop using big words he didn't understand and butting into a situation he couldn't ever fully comprehend.

“Hermione, for some reason completely beyond me, is in love with you, you great dolt. You're hurting her by doing this. The only thing you or I or anyone needs to comprehend in this situation is whether or not you love her back. The rest can and will work itself out. You're not even supposed to understand the rest anyway; it's love! I don't get you Harry, you have everything you've ever dreamed of waiting for you and you're here moping about the past and thinking you aren't good enough. Well, lately you're right, you haven't been. So go put in an effort. Go deserve her. When Hermione told us to live for the public she missed a part. We also need to live for ourselves because we deserve to; because we fought too god damn hard to live our lives to anything other than to the fullest. So, tell me, or if you cant tell me or Hermione yet, admit to yourself that you are in love with her and do something proactive about it, right?”

“I don't love her,” I denied. I lied. “I can't love her. I don't know how to love her and she…and she deserves to be loved right. She deserves someone who's on her level. I'm not it…I can't be.” Ron stared at me for the longest moment of my life while I grappled with the side of me that wanted to take back everything I just said and beg Ron to help me figure out how to win her back and never let her go.

“I never took you for a coward or a liar, Harry.” Ron paused for a second. “Nobody's on Hermione's level nor can they be. Nobody's on your level either. Everyone is different. It's knowing the person and accepting them that makes someone deserve someone else. Teaching each other how to be in love because…I'm willing to bet Hermione thought everything you just said to me at one point in time as well. Maybe still thinks it. You have to remember that whether or not she had parents and family that loved her she's never been in love either. Think about it Harry.”

Well, when the fuck did Ron go and get all mature on me? I watched him turn and walk away and knew that he was right, but that I wasn't going to admit it to myself. Not yet. Hermione should have better than a boy who didn't know exactly who he was anymore. That had faked so long for so many other people he didn't know what was real any more. Who couldn't even know if what he felt for her was in fact love since he'd never really loved anyone before. Hermione should have better than me.

From then on I was careful to wipe my expression clean of tears before I came in the door everyday. Ron watched me very meticulously, but he was back to being my best friend. Apparently I was forgiven. I wouldn't have forgiven me. He didn't push with the Hermione issues and the press was terribly annoyed that they couldn't get any information on why the rift was solved. I stared at Hermione far, far too often. But I knew I wasn't in love with her. I also knew I was a great liar. Especially to myself.

To my complete surprise Ron started dating Luna Lovegood and for the first time it wasn't just a quick shag. Her easy-going and weird quirkiness seemed to complement Ron's usually goofy nature and strange times of complete perceptiveness perfectly. She still made up beasties to look for and to the closest thing I got to amusement these days, he would go looking for them with her and have a great time. He just liked being around her.

Throughout this entire time, of course, Hermione was being her usual over-achieving, amazing self. She was Remus' right hand woman at the Ministry and they went over each and every new law regarding every wizarding species with care together and tried not to ask for more tolerance than was rationally going to happen. They would work through that with time. She was the symbol of change and peace for the wizarding world and Remus the fair and loyal Minister who would bring us to greatness.

She organized rallies for different species to talk about the grievances prejudices against them had caused them and allowed them to specify the kind of change they wanted. She had the few lasting wizarding families who opposed everything that was going on come to a formal meeting and pleaded that if they could not except these changes that they at least let their children think what they may and begged them to ignore others they could not tolerate instead of goad and degrade them. She and Remus used as little money as possible to preserve funds and held monthly meetings with the designated heads of the providences in magical London to come up with a fair taxing system. She and Remus reinstated Quidditch and re-opened Hogwarts.

Four more months passed and I did some errands for Remus with the request that he not tell Hermione I was helping, which he reluctantly agreed to. I couldn't catch a wink of sleep without dreaming of her. I couldn't go two minutes in a day without thinking of her. I hated that after all this time she still couldn't smile anything but a fake smile. We said good morning and good night to each other, occasionally asked each other to pass something at the table, and made speeches with Ron in public together. I lived for those moments. Little tiny moments that probably meant nothing to her, but meant everything to me.

It was about this time that I finally admitted that I was in love with her. That I finally admitted my life was not worth living without her. That I decided to be completely and utterly selfish. That I decided I was going to do everything I possibly could to get her back. That I started looking at engagement rings in muggle shops where I was sure I wouldn't be followed. That I went to Ron and asked for his help to which he replied with a smile and a “finally mate.”

How many lovers would stay?
Just to put of with this shit day after day!
How did we wind up this way?
Watching our mouths for the words that we say.
As long as we stand here waiting,
Wearing the clothes of the souls that we choose!
How do we get there today?
When we're walking to far for the price of our shoes!
Your clothes never wear as well the next day,
And your hair never falls in quite the same way-
But you never seem to run out of things to say!...

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3. Smile

Chapter Three

This is the story of a girl,
Who cried a river and drowned the whole world!
And while she looked so sad in photographs,
I absolutely love her,
When she smiles...

Your clothes never wear as well the next day,
And your hair never falls in quite the same way-
But you never seem to run out of things to say...
This is the story of a girl,
Who cried a river and drowned the whole world!
And while she looks so sad in photographs,
I absolutely love her-

To say I was nervous would be a vast understatement. For god sakes, I was going to say more to her today than I'd said to her for the past six moths, one week, twelve hours, and twenty minutes. I was also laying my heart out on the line and expressing an emotion I had never felt before now, but it was best not to think about that part too much. I was already green with nerves. Ron slapped me on the back and gave me a slight push towards her door. I looked back in time to see Luna give me an encouraging nod and gulped before turning back to face the door. We shouldn't have painted the doors white. It was such an ominous color looming in front of you when you were trying to breath right and not quite succeeding.

Right. I could do this. It was Hermione. She was the easiest person to talk to in the world. I'd felt completely comfortable telling her things I had never told anyone else before so this should be a piece of cake. She had already said it to me first. Six months ago…and she could have changed her feelings. Right, moving on. Knocking would be good…I should do that.

My knuckles on the door echoed through the silence of the hallway with all the subtlety of thunder and I'm afraid my heartbeat was even louder. There was a minute when all I heard was the accelerated thump-thump of my heart and the steady breathing of Luna and Ron behind me. Then the door slowly swung open to a weary-eyed Hermione whose expression quickly turned into shock and panic as she said, “Harry?” Her tone was unmistakably questioning and she glanced from Ron and Luna down the hallway back to me more times than I could count.

“Can I erm…can I…ah….what I mean to say is…” I gestured weakly to her door. “Do you think we could…I mean if you want…can we just talk please?” I gave her a pathetic puppy-dog pout and looked meaningfully into her room to ensure that she knew I meant in private and not on display for Ron and Luna.

“Well…well,” She just clamped her mouth shut and moved out of the doorway. I took what I could get. I rushed inside like it was the last two minutes to get onto Noah's bloody Arc and focused on not pacing the room nervously. She closed the door and turned around, but didn't look at me. I wasn't completely looking at her either as I stuffed my hands in my pocket and urged my feet to stay still.

“I…” Miss you. Need you. Want you. Love you. “I…” Was a fool. Was lying. Was scared. “I'm…” So very sorry for hurting you. Nervous as hell. Damnit, now why couldn't I say any of this out loud? I snuck a peek at her and this time she was looking at me with a strange yet familiar look in her eyes. It was cautious, very, very cautious, but it was…It was the look in her eyes when she smiled my smile! It was love.

I sucked in some air as I debated how to tell her. How to make my mouth open, form words, and make sounds. I remembered Ron's advice. `Just tell her the truth because she'll know if its anything else, she understands because she knows you, and she deserves it.' Right. I looked into the familiar brown depths of her eyes, the ones I hadn't looked into in six months and it came flooding out of me.

“I love you.” I blurted out. Nice. Real subtle. Her eyes opened wide in shock and I couldn't help but start to pace. “I loved you then too, I just…I didn't realize…I didn't know what it meant. No, I was scared. Merlin I was scared-shitless. And I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry for hurting you. I didn't…you're the last person I'd ever want to hurt…I just. I miss you. I miss talking to you, holding you, and just being around you. But I miss your smile the most. The special one that was just for me. The one…the one that said I love you when words didn't. The one…the one…the one that mirrored mine. Or…erm…more like mine mirrored yours I guess…but, I…just…I don't really know how to love a person Hermione and it would be best if you found someone who did…I'm not…I don't know how….I'm just a…a mess.”

I looked imploring up into her still stunned expression and shuffled my feet. A thoughtful frown crossed her expression and the caution out-weighed the love in her eyes now. Right. Well that was just…exactly what I deserved. She needed someone else. Someone who hadn't hurt her at the very least.

“Well…erm.” I cleared my throat. “I just…ah…thought I should tell you, so erm…now I'll just…” I started walking for the door and she just stood there. She obviously thought it was a good idea for me to leave. Maybe I was wrong, maybe it wasn't love in her eyes at all. Maybe she had made a mistake when she told me she loved me the first time and had never really loved me. I had just put my hand on the door knob when I was swung around and pinned to the wall.

“Harry.” She said softly. “I'm scared now. I'm not experienced with this either you know, but don't…I just need some time to think is all. Don't go away and think I don't love you because I do. I love you so much. I…just don't go away at all…just stay here for a while and…and think with me. I miss you too. I miss everything about you. I knew you didn't really know what love was. I wasn't expecting you to tell me you loved me that night…I just wanted you to know that you were loved…I, erm…well, I definitely wasn't expecting you to end things, but.. what's done is done and I think…I think I learned some of your fears at least tonight and that's…that's valuable. Just come and sit with me and think about it for a while please.”

She looked at me with those big, beautiful, brown eyes and I wondered if she seriously expected me to say no. I just nodded and she took my hand with her own shaking one and went to sit in front of the foot of her bed. I cautiously wrapped an arm around her shoulder and couldn't help but smile when she automatically leaned her head into mine. We sat like that for a half an hour while she absentmindedly fiddled with the hem of my shirt and thought and I just inhaled her presence. Her vanilla smell, her soft curls tickling my cheek, her body curved into mine, her hand entwined with mine, and the thinking line in her forehead.

“I think…” Hermione said. “That I'd be ok with this…with us…if there were a few conditions.” She looked up into my eyes and I was so deliriously happy that if she asked me to leave and live on the moon with her I'd enjoy it. I just nodded my head again. “We'd…we'd have to take it…slower this time…not so intense so fast like it was…you know.” I did. I still felt it to my toes by just sitting here with her. “And…and…I'm not willing to keep it a secret this time Harry…I don't want to hide it like we're doing something wrong…like it doesn't matter.” If she could guess at how very publicly I wanted to make sure every single god damn bloke in the wizarding world knew that they were not allowed to come near her or even think of her if I was in leginamacy range. A ring on her finger wouldn't hurt either, but I could be patient. I had the ring tucked safely away for the future.

“I love you.” Was my only reply. I figured she would understand that it meant yes to all of the above. A smile slowly spread across her face…my smile! I automatically smiled back as she turned to face me and inched closer. Her hands slowly cradled my face as my arms slipped around her. She whispered “I love you too.” Right before her lips touched mine in a tender kiss that sent electricity zinging through my body. We pulled apart a few minutes later and I just pulled her into my arms and leaned my head on hers.

The next few months progressed slowly for us. Ron and Luna of course found out about us later that day when they barged in, no longer able to stand the suspense. They cheered and Hermione ducked her head into my shoulder with a blush. All was right with the world again.

The next day we went out in public together for the first time. I held her hand in mine the entire time as we strolled slowly through Diagon Alley. There were plenty of reporters around and for once I was glad of their presence because whenever one passed I had a good reason to give her a sound kiss on her mouth. The rest of the time I alternated between talking, listening to her talk while swinging her hand or places kisses to her wrists and palms, hugging her from behind when we were standing still, and watching her inspect books.

For the rest of that week and admittedly for months afterwards the press bombarded us with questions, letters, and offers for interviews. All I would ever say was “I love her and she's my girlfriend.” This of course would make Hermione blush and all the reporters close in even more. `Did you just say love?' Became a sort of mantra to them to which I would just reply with a smile and a kiss to Hermione's cheek.

We spent most the days together and I officially joined Remus' and Hermione's team to help stabilize the wizard population and ensure rights. The nights we usually spent with Ron and Luna, talking, eating, and playing games. I took her with me to my parent's graves and talked about everything that was going on in our lives. It was a learning process for love and one I was totally into learning. One that, to my vast surprise, she wasn't perfect at either. We had our small spats and larger spats. We disagreed and agreed to disagree and we got angry. But we always loved each other and told each other that everyday, more than once a day, no matter how mad we were at one another.

Intimacy didn't come along until the second month, but I remembered her so well and spent long hours rediscovering her as she rediscovered me. We always ended with our smiles and we always knew that they meant I love you more loudly than even the words could. Ron eventually moved into a flat with Luna, so we had plenty of new places to experiment in and an entire lifetime to do it. Or so I hoped.

After we had been dating for six months, I nervously prepared for my proposal. I had a simple speech; not longer than two sentences, but one that summed up our entire relationship and related my dreams for the future and hopefully hers as well. I decided to make her a home cooked meal, get some help making our flat fancy, and propose to her in the very same spot where I first kissed her.

Ron and Luna helped pick out decorative flower petals…well more like Luna helped while Ron laughed about what a sappy git I was, but then I reminded him in an undertone that he was on for this next weekend and he shut right up. We spread pink and red flower petals across the floor before the couch and set up nice candles everywhere. Erm…Luna's ideas, I'm afraid I'm not terribly good with romantic drabble, but I did try to remember what she told me. Then I thanked them and kicked them out so I could make Hermione a nice dinner.

Hermione came home right at seven o' clock and I aimed a spell at the candles to light them and one at the lamps to turn them off. I heard her gasp from the hallway and then her footsteps as she slowly came into focus with her smile in place. I smiled back and brought her in for a slow, deep kiss before serving her dinner. She tried to ask me what was going on and if she had missed some kind of anniversary, but I'm afraid I just confused her more when I grinned and said `hopefully.' I got progressively more nervous as we finished and it was finally time. I took her hands shakily in mine and slowly pulled her towards the couch. She followed without complaint, but shot me worried glances and subtlety tried to feel my head for a temperature. Not a big confidence booster, but I knew what I wanted and I would go after it.

I got down on one knee in front of her, pulled out the ring box, and watched as her eyes widened in surprise. I opened the box carefully and held it up for her to inspect. I didn't know what the size or cut of the ring was, but I knew it would look lovely on Hermione's finger and that's what counted for me. Her eyes started to tear up.

“Hermione.” My voice was surprisingly husky and I hoped to Merlin it didn't sound too horrible, “I love you with all my heart and I want to wake up to your smile every morning for the rest of my life. Will you marry me?” My whole life hung in the balance as I brushed a tear off that had streamed down her face and held my breath for her answer.

“Yes…oh, Harry,” She cried and I breathed again, “Yes, of course!” Then she was in my arms and I was holding her tightly. This woman that had pulled the entire wizarding world out of despair by her example. This woman who had taught me the meaning of love. This woman who had just agreed to forever be mine. And hopefully she would never regret giving all her free-time up to make me smile and watching me do the same for her. I knew I wouldn't

This is the story of a girl;
Her pretty face she hid from the world!
And while she looks so sad and lonely there,
I absolutely love her,
When she smiles...

This is the story of a - girl!
Who cried a river and drowned the whole world!
And while she looks so sad in photographs,
I absolutely love her,
When she smiles...
When she smiles.

THE END

AN: So I know a lot of you wanted Harry to suffer through a boyfriend or two, but I think what made their relationship good was that it was the only really serious one they had after the war. Besides that, I hoped you liked it and thank you for reading!

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