This man would be the death of me for sure. Breathing was not an option when he was this close. Personal space? What personal space? There wasn’t a part of me that was not touching him. I know he could feel me shaking. My resolve just flew out the window.
From the Unofficial Portkey Archive: https://portkey-archive.org/story/8277/
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter and company. That's it. Please read and review.
Author's Note: This was the first piece of fan-fiction based on Harry Potter that I wrote. Thanks for reading it and I hope you enjoy it. Be sure to let me know. Any questions or comments you can email me or go to my live-journal.
Chapter 1
How Stupid Could I be?
Light filters in on me. The night that never seemed to end did just that. I rise from my bed that offers no comfort, no rest from the thought of you. The thing that has plagued my life with no cure it seems. The moment I stop-pause-for anything you're there. Smiling, laughing, or sitting there with that look you get when you think no one is looking—when you let your mind wonder to those what ifs you never share. I've been there with you through it all yet we hardly speak of it. It wears on me not being able to speak of it. Its heavy and I can only imagine what it feels like to you. I suppose I'll never know.
When I see you its hard to keep my resolve-my promise to myself. I don't want to feel like this like I'll die if I don't speak out, if I don't let you know I'm here, here for you. That I care more than you could possibly ever know. That I love you to the point where I don't remember if there was a time I didn't. That I want to stop with the yelling and the covering up and tell you to get it over it. It's been so many years now and its time to move on-to start over.
For years I held this secret to close to my heart. Yes I want to be there by your side forever, that I think I am the only one for you. I'm the only one who knows you better than you know yourself. I can't even look in the mirror anymore because I'm ashamed that I feel this way after all this time.
As I walk to the kitchen I coach myself again why it couldn't work. You're stubborn and you spend more time distancing yourself than trying to act normal. You've forgotten the friendship we had when we could talk about anything and everything.
For years I've stood by you, talked with you, argued with you, agreed with you. Defending your stupid actions and comments without you ever knowing. You've made some horrible mistakes in your life and I as well as everyone else have forgiven those. I don't know how much more I can do though. This isn't good for me, I'm smarter than this.
I always thought I'd tell you again one day, but I never found that courage I needed. I wonder if you even remember when I said it once on the stairs. I was two steps above you, eye level for once, arguing about some stupid thing or another when I yelled it. You turned quiet again and just looked at me with those piercing eyes of yours. Damn you, you turned around and walk out of the room.
When you do show up, it's to talk about the future and what we could all do and where we could go. It's your game of pretend that I get sucked into. I have no idea when you decid to close yourself off. When we're talking this look crosses your face and the brief moment of normalcy is gone and you leave me again.
And then I'm alone just like I am now sitting in this chair looking out at the world. The four of us use to be so close, especially at the end. Then everything changed and we all know why. That changed us more than anything could. But we were the closest I thought, but maybe that was only because we had the other two there. Maybe since we all went our separate ways the truth is exposed. Maybe you never got along with me and it was all one sided. All I know is that every minute alone is like having the warmth sucked out of me. It stings.
As I sit here I wonder why I put myself through this. Why do I have to spend my life wishing for something that could never come true? I keep telling myself that it wouldn't work—you're stubborn and you spend more time distancing yourself than trying to act normal. I can't be with someone who isn't actually there.
It's hard to convince your heart of that though.
I need to try harder, see you less. Get rid of the photo in my room of the three of us where you have your arm around me-looking at me. If you just glance at it, it looks like we're, no, you're happy and we're together. I can play the pretend game too you see. Then reality is there not you.
Maybe one day you'll wake up and see me. But, I'll have moved on. I'll be over you and with someone who loves me and wants to spend all their moments with just me.
So I hope you don't show up anytime soon or I'll lose it completely I think and I won't be able to move on. I can't be strong when you're near.
So I start to put every photo away along with every gift you ever gave me. I wish I could pack the memories away. This way you're not here. I can move on even though you can't. I can be strong and realize I'm not the one who can open your eyes.
It all fits in one box. Twelve years in one box. That's sad. What's sadder is me closing the box and going to put it in the hall closet. Just as I reach it and start to wonder long I can last, the knock on the door interrupts my thoughts.
As I open the door there you are and my breath catches.
*****
When I got the house, I had the silly notion of living in it with you. We had spent seven years together. I had built these ideas, dreams some would say, of us moving in together. Not together-together, just the both of us living in the same space. I guess I got use to you being around.
Instead, I'm alone. I moved into this house and it's quiet and it's too large for just one. You said so yourself when you helped me move.
So when I open the door and see you standing there my resolve leaves. You look lost, your eyes are downcast, hair looking like you ran your hands through it a million times. Why am I the one you come to?
If you would just keep your distance then I could move forward.
When I am alone thoughts of you plague me. Your eyes haunt me and in my mind they are as clear as they would be if you were right in front of me. Now that you're here I'm at a lost as to what I am supposed to feel or for that matter, do.
You're silent as you move past me into the house. You look at the box I place on a table. `See what I'm doing,' I think, `I'm done. I'm moving on.'
I watch as you walk further into the room and place yourself in a chair. Trying to collect my senses, thoughts, and nerve, I take my time in shutting the door. As I turn, I see you watching me and I feel as though I have no choice but to sit in the chair across from you.
Your mouth opens and shuts and I know you are searching for words. I wonder if you're looking for the words to apologize or explain yourself. Can you even do that?
As I look at you, the anger that has been inside me for so long bubbles over and I'm tried of holding it in. I'm tired of being the strong, loyal one who never lets the world know what she is really thinking. Sure, I've been angry in front of you and others, but no one has done what you have. And no one makes me, no, made me feel like you did. And I'm just tired.
“Why are you here?”
You stare at me with unblinking eyes and I notice that I'm not breathing. It's as if I'm sitting on the edge of my seat and holding my breath as I wait for your answer. Part of me wants you to answer truthfully, the other part wants to not care.
You blow out a breath and lean back in the chair and it seems you're not going to answer. Damn you. I get up and pace in front of the fireplace with every thought I have bouncing around in my mind.
“You can't just walk here again and act like it's only been a day since I've seen you. You can't keep coming back here. You can't just show up when you feel like it.”
“I'm back this time for good,” you say, your voice steady.
I stop and look at you. You have that crooked smile and I know you think that works and fixes everything…..but it doesn't, not anymore. I sit back down and look at the wall across the room, my hands fisted in my lap.
“Really. I'm not going anywhere.” Out of the corner of my eye I see you lean forward.
“Why? Why do you think that?” I look at over at you. On your face is a look of surprise, like you expected me to just say okay and hug you. Well that Hermione is gone; she left when you did last time.
I guess you realized that you're not getting anywhere in this conversation. You get up, take one last look at me and I hear you say, “Just believe me. I'm here for good.” I feel your hand as you place a straggling piece of hair behind my ear. I keep my eyes focused on that wall until I hear the door shut behind you. That breath I've been holding escapes at once and I feel the tears in my eyes.
I got up slowly from my chair. The breath I was holding was let go. I was speechless. `He just shows up, says that and leaves and here I am. Left with a box of memories and his quiet words.
I walk to the kitchen and fill the pot for tea. Muggle way gives me time to think, process. As if that's possible. I was ready to put it behind me, let it go. I'd like to think I still am, but the voice in my head has started up again; arguing loudly. `This is it. Maybe he is speaking the truth. Maybe he's here to stay.'
`No. I am moving on.'
`Are you?' asks that voice that sounds startling like him. `You want to throw away twelve years of friendship?'
`I have to! It hurts too much to have him say that then leave again.' My chest tightens at the thought. `I can't take it, I'm not strong enough.'
The voices laughs, `Strong enough? You just don't want to take a chance. Can't let go, surrender, lose control.'
`Shut up!' The voice is right. I can't do it. Losing control and letting myself fall wasn't an option.
-->
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter and company. So if you recognize it, it isn't mine.
Author's Note: Thank you to my reviewers and readers. I guess I should mention this is slightly AU seeing as I am choosing to ignore that last book. Please continue to let me know what you think. Thanks!
Chapter Two
Train Wreck
I wrote quickly. Eyes darting from my parchment to the large tomb of a book in front of me. I was in my zone, which I hadn't been in, in about a week. Which was exactly how long it had been since Harry had made an appearance at my door. I hated being distracted.
I was in the middle of translating a particularly difficult passage when I got the sensation of being watched. It wasn't just that. It was as if I was being studied. It felt….well, alarming. I didn't hear my office door opening.
I looked up and there he was. Leaning against the door frame as if he did this sort of thing often. A small smile graced his face, arms crossed across his chest, his feet crossed at the ankles. He looked relaxed and comfortable to be in my space. Like he belong here.
“Hey.” So casual. When did he get so confident? When did I become a wreck?
“Hello.” Be calm. Be aloof. “Is there something I can help you with?” I gripped my quill tighter to help control the shaking of my hand.
He walked over to my desk and came around to me. `Oh lord. What is he doing?' I'm sure the look on my face spoke volumes. Volumes of confusion.
He held out his hand, palm side up. I look at it, then up at his face. He curled his fingers twice in a gesture of `come with me'.
I slowly placed my ink covered hand in his. I felt him tug me out of my chair and followed him back around my desk. He then led me out of my office and down the hall to the lift. The panic in my head could not be pushed down. `What am I doing? I have work to do. Research. This isn't right; going to lead to nothing but trouble.'
We were quiet as we stood next to each other. His fingers were suddenly interlaced through mine and I quickly looked to his face for a clue to his behavior. His eyes were on the door, but I was sure he was smirking. It was if he was trying to throw me off balance.
The doors opened and he led me through the lobby and out into the sun. I continued to follow him (like I had a choice) and not know why.
The street was crowded with mid-day traffic and people busy with getting their lunch and a few minutes to themselves. No one paid us any mind.
“Harry, where are we going?” I asked as I was drawn through a particularly large crowd.
He turned back and looked at me with a finger raised to his lips, “Shh.” Then he smiled and continued pulling me. I was forever doomed.
Finally we entered a quiet café on a corner. It was small and dimly lit with tables place around the room. People were sitting in pairs or in small groups. Voices were hushed. The atmosphere of the placed covered up the hectic ness of outside.
Harry guided us to a table by the front windows and gestured for me to sit. I settled myself across from him and avoided his eyes at all costs. He sat down and I knew that he was staring, playing his little game in his head. I wonder what the score was.
`I will not look. Keep your eyes on the window' I knew my face was slowly becoming a shade of red. I knew that I if I looked at him, I would be lost. Completely lost. Why am I not strong? I put the box up, in the closet. All physical memories put away. Now if I can only do that with the mental ones.
“Can I get you something to drink?” I was snapped out of my reverie by the waitress.
“I'll have water please,” I said while quickly making eye contact with the girl. No looking at Harry.
“The same for me,” was his reply. The waitress walked away after placing two menus on the table. Outside there seemed to be an abnormal amount of young couples out today. `Yes, throw it in my face. You'll never have this Granger.'
“Hermione.” My eyes were stuck looking out the window. There was a young couple, probably a little younger than me, embracing across the street.
“Hermione, look at me.” His voice was firm, but not forceful. He simply wanted my attention. Little did he know, he didn't have to ask.
My gaze connected with his slowly. This was a slow painful death. I knew he could read my eyes. He always had that power. His green eyes held mine captive.
“See. That wasn't so bad, was it?” He leaned down to look into my eyes and smiled. God I hated those lips. `Be strong.'
I matched his gaze and felt a small victory as he leaned back in his seat. `Take that! I can be calm and collected too.'
I heard him sigh as he pinched the bridge of his nose. “What happened Mione? It use to be we couldn't get you to stop talking. Now I can't wait to hear your voice, but you have nothing to say.”
I was quiet as our drinks arrived. I declined to order—food was the last thing on my mind. Harry followed my lead and also did not order. I took a big breath as I thought about what to say.
“Everything I say falls on deaf ears. Why waste my breath? Why get my hopes up that my best friend is actually going to stick around this time. You'll leave again. You always do.” I took a drink and dropped my eyes. I didn't want him to see that I didn't believe my own words. I didn't want him to see the hope in my eyes.
“How can you say that? The other day I told you that I was back for good.” He was leaning forward on the table looking at me in disbelief.
“Other day? That was over a week ago. No contact since then. For all I know you could have ran off again to god knows where. We use to talk everyday, see each other everyday. Then you left and I know why you left. I forgave you for that. Then you only show up every once in awhile and every time you say, `I'm back for good.' Only you weren't. That's what hurt--you leaving with no goodbye. The lies. Where have been? Where do you go? What am I suppose to think? I've heard the speech Harry, I just don't believe it anymore.” I sighed and fell back in my chair. There it is Harry, there is the truth. This is how I feel.
He took a deep breath and glanced out the window. Part of me regretted instantly what I had said, but it was how I felt. He needed to hear that. He should be thankful I left out the biggest part. I couldn't stop my hands from shaking or my eyes filling. I had always been emotional.
He quietly cleared his throat and kept his gaze to the window. In a voice almost too quiet to hear he stated, “I was figuring things out. Finding a flat, getting everything….settled.”
My head shot up. `Excuse me?' I thought. This was the first time this had been done. I couldn't help it. “You what?”
`Oh god!' The voice in my head started chanting. `See! See! I told you!'
He smiled at me. “I got a flat. Even has furniture. I still need to unpack though. Maybe you'd like to help…” His voice trailed off.
As he spoke, I took the time to grasp all of this by drinking my entire glass of water. `What was happening? None of this fit into my little compartments I had set up in my mind.' I was brought out of my thoughts when I began making that sound signals the emptiness of your glass. Very unladylike, but screw that.
I realized he was smirking then. “Here, I'll go get refills.” Harry took our glasses and proceeded to the counter at the back of the café.
I used this moment to study the new enigma of Harry Potter. He seemed the same, yet he didn't. He was taller and had seem to fill out that scrawniness that followed him all through school. (What had he been doing all this time?) He was wearing a black t-shirt and jeans. I had never seen something so plain look so…..delectable. Dear god……it was all I could do not to bang my head against the table. I had practically drooled in school all over him, but this is more than I can take.
I am so confused. I'm mad, hopeful, and…..well, let's not go there. The voice in me says believe him, go for it! `But,' I say in return, `he may not feel like I do. He may not want what I want. He may just want to restart our friendship.' And with that, I shut the door on that voice, terrified of what it may say next.
I watch as he walks back to the table. He is different, not in looks, but in presence. He is more alive. Not so confused and loaded down with worry. More sure of his purpose in life. I wonder what he thinks his purpose is now. He seems more confident--he knows who he is and doesn't question it. The old, scared little boy is officially gone, at least as far as I can see.
Harry places the glasses on the table and takes his seat. I sit there worrying my bottom lip between my teeth and I taste the metallic taste of blood.
“I wish you wouldn't do that.”
“Do what?” I ask.
“Worry yourself with what ifs and whys. Let go of it. Breath. Just, I don't know….”
“This is the only way I know how to be. I've never been any different. What do you expect?”
“Actually, I'd be lost if you'd act any different. I just don't like being that one that causes you to be this way.”
“Well you should have thought of that.”
“I want you to see it.” Ah, changing the subject. He looked hopeful. It was hard to hang on to my resolve and say no. Going with him would lead to nothing good.
“Why do you want me to see it?”
“I want your opinion on it. I know its mine already, but your opinion matters. It always has.”
I wanted to snort in disbelief. “My opinion didn't matter when you ran all over the world. Why now?”
“That's something I can't tell you right now. I will soon though, trust me.”
Trust him? I wanted to, but that would mean letting my guard down (which was so easy to do with Harry). “I want to trust you, Harry, really I do.”
“Then come with me. See my place. Let me prove to you that I'm here to stay.” His green eyes pleaded with mine.
“Fine. Okay.” I nodded my head and tried to smile.
His smile was breathtaking. My heart flipped at the thought that I made that happen. Harry jumped out of his seat immediately and grabbed my hand. I was once again pulled out of the dark and into the sun.
“How far is it?” I couldn't help but ask. I hated not knowing what was going on. I also need to get back to a thing called a job, but that wasn't really in the front of my mind.
He stopped, looked at me, and said, “Don't worry about it. We're close. I'll get you back to work.” He once again turned and began walking.
His strides weren't long, so I didn't have to hurry to keep up like with some people who shall remain nameless. I was able to walk along side him. His grip on my hand was soft and it was a comfort to hold his hand and have him tug me along the busy streets of London.
As we walked along, I took another look at him (I couldn't help it). The way the sun glinted off his dark, messy hair. The peaceful look in his eyes (that had never been there before). The way he walked—back straight, eyes forward. It would be so easy, but that's not what he wanted. It's not what I wanted anymore.
It seemed we hadn't been walking all that long, but I didn't really know. We were in front of a building in muggle London. Would I expect anything else? He hated fame. This gave him the annanimity that he wanted.
“This is it. I'm on the third floor.” He stood on the sidewalk with his hands in his pockets rocking back and forth on his heals.
I looked up to the third floor windows and pictured him standing there looking out on the world. Picturing myself coming down the front stairs in the morning on my way to work. Arriving home at night, coming through the front door and into his arms. That was what I wanted when I got our, sorry, my house. Us, together, being normal for once. Who was I kidding? Normal eluded us everyday of our lives. And that wasn't what I wanted anymore….right?
I finally looked up at him and notice him watching me again, smiling. He needed more to do….
His smile got bigger, if possible. Harry then ran up the stairs and unlocked the door. I followed him into the build and we began walking up the stairs to his floor. I missed holding his hand.
We finally arrived at his door and I stood silently as he unlocked it. I wonder what I would see.
He pushed the door open and held his arm out. I walked pass him into the sunny room. Harry's place was very open and had lots of sunlight streaming in. He had room to breath now. He wasn't locked up anymore. I briefly wondered if he was claustrophobic.
He quietly shut the door behind him and watched me look around. “What do you think?”
I chose to not answer and to keep looking. He hadn't done much in unpacking, he was right. He did have some photographs up. Some of his parents, others of the three of us. I was shocked to see one of me studying. It was a muggle photo, so it was still. But my hair was whipping around me as I read. I don't remember the location, but it must have been somewhere around school, outside on the grounds.
“Had to have one of you in your element.” I felt him standing close behind me.
“I didn't even know it was taken. Where did you get it?” So I could thank them. I had never seen myself look so serene.
“Ginny. She had that old muggle camera from her dad. Remember, she went around taking photos of everything during our seventh year. I think she was scared things were going to be different…….afterwards.” He reached around me and pick up the picture from the shelf.
“Things were different and they've never been the same since.” I begin to walk around the living area and very quietly say, “Things could have been so different.”
Don't forget to leave a review. And check out my one shots if you haven't.
-->
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter and anything related to that universe. If I did things would have gone differently. I also do not own any song titles use.
Chapter 3
I'm Not In Love
Life had been interesting since Harry showed back up. Every few days I'd see him. It was hard not to at work since we work in the same building, just a few floors separate us.
Harry takes me to lunch once in awhile or sometimes he will just stop by my office to talk. I think he is trying to make up for lost time.
Things between us are good. We're friends again or still I should say. I'm able to ignore the fluttering most of the time and I've gotten pretty good at convincing myself and everyone else (I think) that nothing is going on. We're just friends. I feel nothing but friendship for Harry. `Yeah right,' says that inner voice that wants to argue with me constantly.
I actually haven't seen Harry in the past couple of days. I guess he's been busy with work or hanging out with Ron. I can't help but panic. I'm still use to finding him gone. I try to remember that he has a job this time. He has a flat. These are things that he had never done in his previous visits. Harry usually stayed at the Burrow or at the Leaky, but this time he's taken steps to show that he is staying. I can't help but wait for the other shoe to drop. To find out from someone that he's gone again, that he left with no word.
I don't tell him any of this though. He doesn't need to know that I don't trust him to stay. Our friendship is fragile as it is, no more needs to be added to it.
When Harry is around his presences makes me all twisted inside. I'm a bundle of confusion. I'm happy that he's back, but at the same time I'm angry. Just when I was beginning to get my life in order and get over him, he shows back up.
It's hard to hold myself together. I want so badly to fall into the comfort of him being here. I want to fill the void he created and made bigger each time he left. To do that though, I need to let go and just let things happen. That's hard for me to do. I like to be in control of my feelings. Being around Harry makes that hard to do.
I should tell him everything. He should tell me everything. Do we keep it from each other because we fear how the other will react? Where is that courage? Do we really think so little of the strength in our friendship? Maybe I'm scared that if I tell him how I feel about everything, he won't feel the same way. There's no maybe about it, I'm terrified that's what will happen.
I'm suppose to be so strong, so reasonable. I'm the voice of reason in our little group. When it comes to Harry though, I'm not that person. I'm unpredictable. I don't want to be anywhere but with him. That scares me. I can't be like this. I need to be strong, independent, and free of these feelings. I can't be consumed by this, because if it happens I won't have the strength to fight it. And if he doesn't feel that way then it will be too much.
The voice in my head that is oddly beginning to sound like Harry, wants me to let go. I'm fighting against it. I must be going mad—that's what we all thought when Harry was hearing those `voices' in second year.
Plus there is this whole new Harry. He's still the same, but he's not. He seem so sure of himself. He knows what he wants and he'll do anything to get it. Harry doesn't need me anymore. He doesn't need me to find the answers. He doesn't need my help. I don't think he needs me at all. Maybe being with me is habit. I hope this isn't true because it works both ways. I need him whether as a friend or….something else.
So I'm building up my resolve still. He is my friend, best friend, and that's all. If I can remember this and follow through then maybe my heart will follow.
The box I packed remains in the closet. I will not take it out. Having Harry back has caused enough trouble, problems, heartache…so putting the photographs back up will only make it worse.
If Harry will just stay and be a friend again, I'll be fine. I'll be able to move on because we'll be friends, just friends, nothing more-nothing less.
I'll keep telling myself that he's back to stay and I need to take it one day at a time. He told me to breath and to just let it go. So I am following his advice. 1…2…3…let go…
Please leave a review/thoughts/questions.
-->
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter and anything related to that universe. If I did things would have gone differently. I also do not own any song titles use.
Author's Note: I did upload chapter three along with this since 3 was so short. So make sure you read that one first. Thanks!
Chapter 4
Unravel Me
“So he just shows up at work to take you lunch everyday?”
“Not everyday--just a couple of times a week.” I was sitting with Ginny in the living room of the Weasley house. There was a big family dinner this evening welcoming Fluer and Bill's recent addition to the family. We were busy discussing how Harry had been showing up a few days a week to take me to lunch. His excuse for interrupting me so much was that I was working too hard and I needed the break.
Ginny huffed, “Doesn't matter. He's trying to date you. Seems that you may finally get what you've wanted.”
I sat up a little straighter in my seat. “He is not, and it's not what I've wanted for a long time.” More like a few weeks, but still… “He's just being a nice guy. He's trying to reconnect.”
Ginny rolled her eyes. “Is that what you tell yourself? I think he's serious. When he's not with you, he's with Ron and I've heard them talking. You were mentioned.”
I couldn't help but laugh. “I hope so. I'm their friend. Ginny, stop grasping at straws.”
“Yes you are, but Harry wasn't just saying how great of a friend you are. He was saying how good you looked, how it was nice to spend time with you, how nervous he was that you wouldn't want him.”
Ginny probably hadn't heard the whole conversation between Harry and Ron. “Well he hadn't seen me in awhile. He was nervous because of the way he kept leaving. He knows I'd be upset.”
“You're making excuses. Stop being scared and take it as it comes. If he is wanting to take it there, then follow and be happy. Enjoy it. You deserve it after waiting this long.”
Loud voices from outside interrupted our conversation. More family had arrived it seemed. “What is going on?” Ginny sighed as she got up to investigate the situation and I went into the kitchen to see if there was anything I could do to stop me from over analyzing this.
Molly was buzzing around in her usual manner. She smiled at me as I went to the stove to pour myself some tea. I started looking around. This was my favorite part of the house. This was the heart of it to me. So much happened in this room. “Do you need any help? Can I do something?”
“No, I'm fine. You go and talk with everyone. You know how I am.” She turned back to the stove, brushing her hands on her apron.
I leaned against the counter. “I think I'll stay here for a bit. Ginny went out to see who arrived. Whoever it was caused quite a commotion.”
We continued to talk for awhile—about my work, the family, the world. I was in the middle of a tirade regarding the current treatment of House Elves with my hands flying around. I didn't realize the back door was open till I heard a familiar voice ask, “What's the hold up? I'd like to get inside. The food is in there.”
I turned around and I saw what exactly was keeping Ron from entering the house. Harry was standing there in a long sleeved button up shirt and jeans. I hate those jeans. I hate that shirt. I should just hate the man wearing them.
“Hi.” He still didn't move from the doorway. He was suddenly pushed forward when Ron burst into the room, grabbed a biscuit, and went into the other room.
“Hello.” That had to be the dumbest sounding word at this time. I couldn't think of anything else to say.
Ginny came through then and slapped him across the back of the head. She mumbled something to him—I couldn't hear. The rest of the family disappeared including the matriarch and my only hope of distraction.
He walked towards me. “You look nice.” Okay, I had on a t-shirt and jeans—nice? I looked like I'm too lazy to care about my appearance.
Harry kept coming closer and closer. So I took a step back until I was against the counter again, only this time it wasn't by choice.
“Thanks.” Speech was difficult. I couldn't seem to get enough air in my lungs and thinking was beyond my ability. I shouldn't be reacting this way. A person who has moved on would not act like this. `Inhale…..exhale…..inhale…..' was the mantra in my head.
He reached out and tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. This was becoming a common trait for him.
“Why do you always do that?”
“Hmmm?” He was studying my face intently.
For some reason we were whispering. “You always do that. Mess with my hair. Why?”
“Oh, I don't know. I guess I can't help it. Your hair is always everywhere.” I frowned at this which he saw.
“I don't mean it like that. I love that it's everywhere. It's you. I hate when you put it back or do whatever it is that makes it straight. This is you. Wild hair but under it, your brilliant mind. Your hair is all that knows how to be wild.”
That made me huff. I couldn't be wild? Crazy? Spur of the moment? Damn, I probably couldn't. I needed to get by him and into the room that was filled with distracting people. He was good at making me want to just stay there, forget my resolve, and see what could possibly happen.
Suddenly he was leaning in very closely to my face. I couldn't help but glance from his eyes to his mouth. When I looked back up I noticed him doing the same. `This is bad. So bad. Be strong.'
He leaned in even closer. His arms around me and hands resting on the counter top. I felt his breath on my ear as he whispered, “What are you so nervous about Hermione?”
This man would be the death of me for sure. Breathing was not an option when he was this close. Personal space? What personal space? There wasn't a part of me that was not touching him. I know he could feel me shaking. My resolve just flew out the window.
He slowly pulled away and searched my face. Harry's eyes were showing many emotions: mischievous to caring. He took his finger and tapped me on the nose. “Breath Mione. Blue is not your color.” And with that, he went into the living room with the rest of the traitors.
I took a few minutes to calm myself. My legs felt as though they were liquid. `Come on, you're stronger than this. You're over him…remember? Moving on. You don't need him.' I let out a puff of air. Who was I kidding? By my reaction to him, you could tell I still felt something.
I needed to join the family; I just didn't feel secure enough to move yet. Slowly I pushed myself away from the counter. One step, then another. Before I knew it I was in the room filled with mostly redheads. Of course fate decided to have another laugh.
The only empty place to sit was by none other than HIM. I met his gaze; I'm sure I looked like a deer in headlights. As I sat down Harry put his arm along the back of the couch. There was no possible way I could add anything to the conversation. I was sitting between an arm of the couch and Harry. There was touching and as we know, that leads to brain failure.
It went down hill as soon as I felt his fingers playing with the ends of my hair.
I sat frozen. I couldn't relax—well I never really did, but it was not even in range of possibility with him sitting next to me.
Ginny caught my eye and winked. Traitor.
I was drawn out of my glaring at her when I felt a nudge. Harry was smiling as he handed me a glass of wine. I quickly took a gulp. I could tell that I was going to need it based on this evening's events so far.
Later, after three glasses of wine (might regret that later) and a well prepared meal, I was feeling better. So much so that I was leaning against him.
During dinner we had been place next to each other again. As we left the kitchen, he guided me back to our original places on the couch. The only difference this time being that I was leaning into his side. I was warm and comfortable and the little voice of reason in my head is muted.
Harry is probably feeling pretty smug right now. Can I help it if the voice is a tiny bit inebriated?
His fingers are again playing with my hair and I'm not following the conversation in the room. I'm relaxed. The food, wine, and the atmosphere are making me enjoy the evening more. I love the feeling I get when I visit this house. It's warm and welcoming. I want a place like this. I have a home, but I don't have this feeling there. Don't get me wrong, I love my place, but it's not here.
Shaking myself from those thoughts, I tried to focus again on the conversation going on around me. The wine made me relax but not completely insensible. Everyone had broken up into smaller conversation. As usual, Harry and Ron are discussing their favorite sport.
I look up to see Ginny holding the baby now, making faces and talking quietly to her. The baby is gorgeous and everyone is just infatuated with her. It's hard not to be.
All in all it was basically a typical Weasley family dinner. Well, almost typical. My interactions with Harry were not typical—they were completely absurd. But for right now I'll enjoy my evening, try to ignore him, and analyze it all later when I can't sleep.
Remember to review! Thanks!
-->
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter and company.
Author's Note: I really have no idea why it took me so long to post this. Here it is now!
Chapter 5
Winterblue
“The part where they jumped. That was pretty funny.”
“Harry, I think you were the only one laughing.” We had just come out of a movie theater after seeing, in my opinion, the worst movie ever.
“It wasn't realistic. There was no way the he could have done that in real life and not even in our world. It could not be done.”
“Okay Harry. That's why it's a movie.” I said as if talking to a small child.
He laughed as he grabbed my hand. “See, this is why you're my best friend. You keep me grounded and you make me laugh.”
I smirked up at him. “I think Ron might be upset to hear that.”
“Well if you promise not to tell then he'll never know.” He winked at me. “It will be out little secret.”
I laughed. Harry's new thing was the movies. We went often and saw just about everything, but he leaned towards the typical guy movies. I didn't mind them really; I could only handle so many romantic, sappy movies with him next to me. Thank goodness they were few and far between. It was easy to talk Harry out of seeing one of those.
Things between us are tense at times. I still get shaky when thinking about what happened at the Weasley's. I'm embarrassed of my actions. I can't help it. As much as I say and try to be over him, it's impossible to succeed when he's around. I come undone where Harry's concerned. I just have to keep trying and then one day I'll find myself successful and I'll be over him. Then everything will be just as it should be. Friends and nothing more.
My new theory is that he knows he will get a reaction out of me so that's why he's doing this. He's been around Ron too much. One day though, the game will get old and he'll find another girl to play the game with. I'm just around—convenient. I'm like a warm up, practice for when the one girl who will turn his attention away from me, shows up. Hopefully by then I'll be completely over him and it won't hurt, but who am I trying to kid. I can't get over him if he won't go away, not that I want him to leave again. I'm such a contradiction.
We continue to walk, the silence between us comfortable. No need for talking. I couldn't say anything anyway, as I was lost in a conversation I had with my mother earlier today.
I went to visit while my father was out playing golf with friends. I hadn't seen my mother lately and I figured girl time was needed. If I had only known exactly what would happen.
“So how is Harry?” Okay, we're diving right in to the personal questions. Time to stop this.
“He's fine. His job is good for him I think. He seems to enjoy it.” Stick to simple, friendly answers.
“Is there anything else you need to tell me?” I looked over at my mother. She stood against the table, dish towel in hand, and an eyebrow raised.
I could now see where I got my questioning nature from. “Need to tell you? I don't think so…nothing exciting going on here.” I decided that looking out the window into the backyard would hide the sheer look of panic on my face.
“There's nothing you want to tell me? About you and Harry?”
I rolled my eyes and rested my elbows on the counter. “Mum, there is nothing going on. We're friends. Why does everyone think something is going on?”
“Friends? I don't think I'd get the same answer from Harry if I asked him. And if everyone is noticing it, you'd think something was there to notice. We could all be wrong though.”
I huffed before answering her. “Please drop it. Nothing is going on. Harry doesn't see me that way and I don't think of him that way.”
I heard my mother sigh. “Well why not? Harry is a nice man. You've known him forever, he treats you well. It'd be a good match.”
I turned to face her, throwing my hands up. “When did we enter the Victorian Age? A good match? Are you trying to sell me off? I'm old enough to make my own decisions including my love life. There is nothing there! It would be hard to have a relationship with someone you are only friends with.”
I can't deal with this. What are these people `seeing' between me and Harry? I've been trying so hard.
“Just think about it. I think you'll be surprised how logical it is. Best friends are usually the…anyway. Your father and I both agree. We think very highly of him.”
`Ahhhhhh! Breath' “You've discussed this with dad?” This was no longer my life. I was now on some alternate planet or reality show. I certainly hope they are documenting this for a good laugh twenty years from now.
“Yes we have. There is nothing wrong with that, you're our daughter. You spend so much time with him and your father was concerned, but once we talked about it he decided with me that Harry is good for you.” With that my mother came over and wrapped her arms around me. “We mean well Hermione. We just worry.”
I was not even asking what she meant by that comment. Good for me how? Worry about what?
“Mione? Did you hear me?” I was brought out of my memories by Harry.
“Sorry. I was thinking. I've got a lot on my mind.” I smiled up at him.
“I was just wondering what you wanted to do next.” Our hands were still linked and now gently swinging back and forth between us.
“I don't know.” I shrugged. “I'm pretty tired. Work has been difficult lately and my family has gotten…weird. I think I just want to sleep.”
Harry put an arm around my shoulders. “As long as you're not blowing me off for someone else.”
I laughed, “No, just my bed.”
“Good.” He gave me a squeeze as we walked.
A few minutes later we were outside my door. Harry wrapped his arms around me in a hug. Slowly he let me go and kissed my temple. “Goodnight.”
I'll I could do was whisper, “Bye.” I watched as he walked silently into the night. I waited till he was gone before going inside. All I could think about was that Harry had never kissed me in anyway before. What a strange day.
Don't forget to review!
-->
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter and company. The plot is mine.
Author's Note: Many thanks to all those who are reviewing! Here is chapter six. A little shorter than others but hey, it's an update right? Please review.
Chapter 6
Comfortable
I can't sleep. This is nothing new. Sleep has eluded me much of my life. Someone once told me it's because I can't turn my brain off---I think too much. This is probably true. My mind keeps going long after the rest of me stops.
Tonight though, it's not work related. It's not even saving the world related. It's just Harry. Just Harry. If only it were that simple.
The past few weeks have been both wonderful and dreadful. For two months I have seen Harry just about everyday. His twice a week lunch visits have somehow become an everyday thing. Dinner is often at his place although I do cook at mine some. Weekends are spent at the movies or exploring the city. Since he never got to see much of it growing up, I am showing him my favorite spots. Anyone on the outside would immediately assume we are together. I'm sure we look like a unit—moving together as one.
Everything had been just as it was. I'm sure this is how it would have been had he not escaped to wherever it was. We are friends—best friends who rely on each other everyday.
That's not to say there haven't been awkward moments. There have been plenty of awkward moments. Like waking up from falling asleep during a movie and finding my head on his shoulder; his hand combing through my hair. Looking up to see him staring at me with a small smile on his lips. Or reaching for the same glass in a cabinet while cooking dinner together. Sometimes we're pushed together in a crowd. All of your basic cheesy romance novel scenes. These were happening to me.
The most boring tasks are now exciting. Buying groceries was now something I looked forward to since he usually went along with me to get his. Mundane. That's what we are. We're turning into creatures of habit. No more chasing bad guys or solving a mystery together in a darken library. We're now doing simple everyday tasks together.
I begin making lists in my head of people who are assuming too much. My parents think there is something going on. Especially my mother. Ron says we act like an old married couple. Ginny just smiles knowingly at me when she sees us together. I want to, no need to, believe that nothing is going on. We're just two friends doing comfortable, mundane things together. After all, he hasn't made a move or done anything to say otherwise. We're obviously just friends….right?
**************
“Why is it whenever I'm home, I end up doing the dishes for my parents? And what is with the `don't use any magic'? I mean seriously?” I gestured at the task before us sighing. We were at my parents for their monthly dinner and this was Harry's third time in joining us.
“It's a conspiracy to get us alone.” Harry whispers while grinning deviously at me.
I toss some suds at him. “In your dreams Potter.”
“Obviously in yours too.”
The dish I was drying dropped back into the sink. My stomach drops and I feel my throat close up. `Oh god, oh god, oh god!' I'm not the easy to read am I? Some how my plan of being strong, aloof, and not falling back into those thoughts was shot to hell. Dreams continued to plague me every night. When it comes to Harry, my subconscious has no willpower what so ever.
“I'm only kidding `Mione. Although your reaction makes me curious now.”
I could tell he was watching me. I kept my head down and concentrated on the cleaning of the dishes. “Curiosity killed the cat Harry.” My voice was soft.
“Lucky I'm not a cat.” Smugness laced his words. I looked up to see him smirking at me. Damn him! He could be so frustrating. All this time together and nothing happens. I start to count on him being here and us remaining friends, then he starts up with this…..this flirting.
“Harry, just stop. This isn't going to work.” I started drying the dishes harder than necessary. “It might have a couple of years ago, but those days are gone. Not anymore. I've moved on.” I threw down the towel and went to the door leading outside. I couldn't stay in this small room with him any longer. I needed air and a chance to collect myself. Suddenly I felt his grip around my upper arm and was forced to turn around. He was so close and his eyes were so green.
“What do you mean a couple of years ago? Not anymore?” His brow was furrowed in confusion. I wanted to trace the line and make it disappear.
I tried yanking my arm free, but it was no use. “It doesn't matter now.” How could I have been stupid enough to say that?
“Are you saying you might have felt something for me? You use to?” The look in his eyes was fierce.
“I'm not saying anything.” I was tempted though to stomp on his foot so I could escape. Luckily he let go. His whole being suddenly seemed defeated. I began to walk away, but his voice stopped me.
“Hermione,” determination clouded his face, “this isn't over.” And with that he brushed past me and went outside to where my parents were seated leaving me with a feeling of dread at was to come.
I hope you liked it, again let me know. Thanks for reading.
-->
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter and company or the song Warning Sign—it belongs to Coldplay whom I bow before.
Author's Note: I know I just posted a chapter yesterday, but hey here's another. It's a bit longer so enjoy. Thanks to the reviewers who have left comments. I love hearing from you.
Chapter 7
A Sorta Fairytale with You
I grabbed a hair band as I made my way back to the kitchen. Pulling it back in a messy bun was the only way I could cook it seemed (otherwise it was in my face). I was making chicken parmesan for us to eat tonight. Harry wasn't here yet, but I needed the extra time to get the sauce started.
I should probably change since I'm sure I look horrible. I threw on a pair of jeans and a tank earlier, but I have to wonder why I am worrying about this. It's not like it's a date. This is just an almost-everyday occurrence. We eat at each other's homes. It's a habit we started a few of weeks ago. We talk about our day—my newest research and findings—his new job of teaching defense to auror trainees.
Things had been tough there for awhile after the events at my parent's house. Neither one of us have mentioned the conversation. He just showed up a week later to take me to lunch. Were things weird then? Yes, but we've moved on and things are just as they were before the incident.
I check the sauce and give a stir. I love cooking, and right now I'm in an Italian phase. I notice that I need to start the pasta soon and the chicken is in the oven. Everything is going good so far.
Looking at the recipe one more time, I check to make sure I've got everything. I'm startled as I feel two arms wrap around me and a chin rests on my shoulder. “You should use a stronger locking spell.”
He needs a bell around his neck or something. Give a girl some warning here. “Well most people coming to see me are not you; therefore they usually can't get through.” I kept reading the recipe and hoped he couldn't tell how he affected me.
He pulled away and to go over to the stove. “Looks good. Did you make this from scratch?” He begins to lift the spoon to his mouth.
I rush over to intervene. “Yes and if you think that you're going to taste it before dinner you're mistaken.” I slap his hand and take the spoon back. I give the sauce another quick stir and put the lid back on.
“Now that's not fair. How will you know if it's edible? I should taste it incase you did something wrong.” He's smirking at me from his spot against the counter.
“I think I'm insulted. You think I can't cook?” I pick up a dish towel and throw it at him.
He catches it and sets it on the counter beside him. “Well I have no proof yet, but you could be holding out me. As of yet though, I can't seem to find anything you're bad at.”
I laugh quietly. “If you only knew.” I reach into a cabinet and grab two plates.
Harry appears beside me and gets a couple of wine glasses down. I turn and watch as he goes to the fridge and takes out a bottle of red wine. I can't help but realize that this is what it would have been like. Us living together… cooking… being domestic.
His voice lifts me from the fog I've settled in. “So, are you going to tell me what it is you're bad at?”
I watch him as he pours me a glass and brings it to me, one eyebrow quirked. “Let me think about that…no.” Like I'm going to tell you the one thing (of many) I'm bad at is keeping my resolve around you.
He goes back to his spot leaning against the counter sipping his own glass of wine. I must love to torment myself. That has to be the reason why I submit myself to this torture every evening.
He shows up here wearing those jeans. The ones I especially hate since they seem to be his favorite. Worn in and fit him just right. Then there is the t-shirt—don't get me started on that. Makes me want to ask him what exactly did he do while he was gone. Looking at him makes me remember what I have on. I must have jumped away from the counter since I saw him straighten up.
“I need to change.”
His eyes look at me from my head to my bare feet. “I think you look fine.”
I rolled my eyes at him. Harry was always trying to make me feel better. “No I don't. I look a fright.”
“Hermione, you look beautiful as usual. Stay.” He turned and started walking to the living room. “I'm going to put some music on.”
I was completely flustered. What do I say in response to that? Was he flirting again? Was he kidding? Just trying to humor me? Why did I have to get slightly giddy at those words?
The sounds of Coldplay began to filter into the kitchen. Harry had discovered this band and had in turn introduced me to their music. I usually left their CD in my stereo on rotation.
As he came back in I turned quickly to fidget with pasta. “Should be done soon.” I explained as he walked over to me. He took up post beside me.
“Good, because I haven't eaten today.”
I glanced up at him. “Really? Tough day?”
“Not really. There was a problem with a guy they brought in. Needed extra people to handle it.”
“Okay. Isn't that someone else's job?” I asked while giving the sauce another stir.
“Normally, yes. I guess this guy was really causing a problem. Called for help right before lunch. It was no big deal, let's not talk about.”
“Okay.” I looked into the pot of boiling pasta. “Do you think this is done?”
He grins at me in the most adorable way. “There is only one way to find out. I watch as he carefully gets out a couple of pieces of noodles tossing them between his fingers because of the heat.
“Harry, you are not going to do what I think you're going to do.” I tried to stand in front of him.
“I don't know. You seem to know me pretty well. What do you think I'm going to do?” I raise an eyebrow at him. “Come on `Mione, I want to throw the pasta. Let me throw it.” His eyes are so hopeful and his face starts to resemble a hopeful, small child that I can't do anything but move out of his way. I watch as he throws the noodles across the room. They hit the wall with a quiet splat.
“Satisfied?” I ask as I remove them from my wall.
“Not really.” As I turn around I am hit in the face with pasta. Shock is the only thing registering in my brain and on my face.
“Harry!” I pick the noodles off my face and look at him. His face is contorted, trying not to laugh. “You think this is funny?” `Take this Potter' I think as I toss the noodles right back at him. They hit him squarely in the chest.
Quickly we are involved in an all out food fight. Luckily it was mostly the pasta. I am trying to get by when I am captured in his arms. One of my arms is brought around his neck and the other is in his grasp. I look up at him questioningly.
“It's called dancing Hermione.”
I rolled my eyes. “I know what it is Harry. I just thought you hated the activity and was bad at it.”
“I'll have you know that I don't hate it completely—depends on who I'm with and I don't know if I'm that bad at it.” He grins down at me. “I do know that people are usually closer than this when they dance.” My right arm is then brought up with the other and his are both around my waist.
I think I can die happy. I'm in Harry's arms dancing. But I can't help but laugh as I realize that we are covered in tonight's dinner.
“What's so funny?”
“Us.” I can see that he agrees.
“But the truth is…I miss you…
And I realized that you were an island and I passed you by
That you were an island to discover…”
The lyrics of one of my favorite songs fill the house. “You love this song,” I say as I put my head against his chest. I feel him rest his chin on top of my head.
“So do you.”
The voice in my head decided to chose that moment to pipe up. `This is wrong. You know it is. Where is that back bone? That resolve you cling to so strongly?' I want to slam the door on the voice. This was nice being held in Harry's arms. This is what I wanted for so long and if I can have just a little taste of that life that never was, then maybe I can move on. `Get real. You're making excuses to constitute for your behavior. He feels nothing but friendship for you and the sooner you realize it the better.' What about what happened at my parent's house?
I'm sure he's startled as I pull away. I mumble something about not letting the sauce burn to cover my actions.
“I think everything is ready, but we're a mess.” I get my wand and do a quick cleaning spell. “There, much better.”
I continue getting everything ready and set it on the table all the while I'm shaking. As I head back into the kitchen I notice Harry still standing in the spot where I left him. I can't read the look on his face.
He makes eye contact with me and this is the first time since his return that I am reminded that he can be a little scary when he is silent and determined. `He wouldn't look like that if he only saw you as a friend.'
Harry starts to come near me and I remember a similar scene taking place just like this in the Weasley's kitchen. I'm backed into the counter and stare up into those piercing eyes.
“What are you scared of Hermione? Me? The situation? Or the fact that you want this too but you're to scared of what could happen? It just kills you to not be in control, to not know the answer, or the outcome.”
And there it was. Harry was addressing the elephant in the room. The one we silently vowed to leave alone after the debacle at my patents house. All I could do was break our gaze and stare at the wall over his shoulder. I'm being stubborn, but I can't do this and just be let down again…be hurt again.
He sighs, pulls away, and starts to the door. “Fine. We'll do it your way and be miserable.” He slammed the door as he left and I slowly slid down the cabinet. Sitting there in my kitchen where we had danced, laughed, and ended it all—I cried.
Okay so more drama (it never ends). This chapter has always meant a lot to me and it contains my favorite song of all time. I hope you liked it.
Don't forget to leave a review!
-->
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter and company.
Author's Note: Title of this chapter comes from a Frou Frou (Imogen Heap) song. I believe that it fits but hey, my opinion only. Thank you to each and every reviewer out there. I love the comments and tips! Keep them coming!
Chapter 8
Let Go
Three weeks. Three whole, very long weeks have passed since our argument. Three miserable weeks—Harry was right about that. I was miserable I could only hope that I wasn't the only one. It's scary how dependent I have become on him being around. For three weeks I have not had a decent night's sleep. I haven't been the most pleasant person to be around at work. I can tell by my coworker's actions and a few have told me. I feel so lost, which is exactly what I didn't want to happen. While trying to protect myself from pain and heartache, I've managed to create more. And this time it's my fault not Harry's.
It should be so easy. Just call him, show up, send a smoke signal and say `Yes, I'm ready'. I've made actual pro/con lists about this. I've thought about all possible outcomes. It's the glaring negatives that keep me from contacting him.
I've talked to Ginny about it, but she refuses to tell me anything about Harry. She won't say a thing since she's been sworn not to. I can assume it goes both ways and she's keeping hush-hush about me. I guess Harry has been at the Weasley's a lot. I'm sure they're thrilled to have him around. Hopefully it makes up for me not spending any time with the family. I haven't gone anywhere for fear of running into him. I get up, go to work, and come home. I'm scared of my best friend.
That makes me laugh.
More like I'm scared that he's right. Everything he said is true and he knows it. Harry knows me so well. I just want things to be normal, but who am I kidding, nothing is normal about us.
And once again my thoughts are drawn to `us' and this `situation' as I walk home. I run through the arguments I have daily with myself. I just can't go running into his arms every time he shows up expecting that this will be the time he stays. I can't go in to something without knowing there is a positive outcome. It's just my nature to look ahead, plan, and make decisions based on past experiences. I can't change who I am. I wish I could but I've spent too many years like this and I can't change over night.
The question now is: Do I want to try to change and therefore take a chance?
Why can't I just stop being so obsessed with thinking things through? I over think everything. This time will be the one time it fails me. If I could just stop.
But today I'm so tired and I just want to sleep. Turn off my mind for a few hours and forget it all. It had been a long day. As much as I love books and learning things, sometimes I just wanted to get away. A sigh escaped me as I entered my house and set my things down. `Wait a minute… I immediately felt that something was off and grabbed my wand that was in my bag. Then I noticed it. A jacket lay across the back of my sofa.
I quickly dropped my wand on a table and walked through the house. “Harry?” I received no answer. Where on earth could he be? A glance outside answered my question.
Stepping out into the backyard I was filled with surprise. There was Harry but I was more confused about what he was doing.
“What is all this?” Standing before me was a swing…a swing for two. One could almost picture evenings spent talking or reading or just being together while sitting on the swing. Quiet moments where nothing mattered except being together.
Harry looked up at me. “Surprise?” He stood up and walked over to me. “I thought you could use a new place to read.”
I walked past him and over to the swing. I looked up at him to see if it was safe to sit on. Once he nodded, I couldn't help but sit down on the cushioned seat. I gently gave a little push and smiled. “It's wonderful. I've always wanted one. Come sit down.” I patted the place next to me.
Once he was seated I immediately wrapped my arms around him in a hug. “Thank you Harry.” I whispered to him. I couldn't help but close my eyes and let the hug linger a little longer. It had been too long. I just wanted to cherish these few seconds.
By him showing up like this, I can guess that we're back to ignoring the issues between us.
Harry leaned back in the swing and pulled me with him. I was leaning against him while he gently pushed us with his foot. Sitting there with him made it hard to breath. Everything I was feeling and trying to ignore was there just under the surface dying to get out, to be heard. I was tried and couldn't hold it in. Tears welled up in my eyes and I choked back a sob.
“Mione?” Harry pulled away and turned to face me, his hands on my shoulders.
I looked at him sitting there with a concerned look on his face. The voice returned.`How could you ever doubt him now?'
I took a breath to steady myself as I pulled away. “I'm so sorry.” I quickly looked to my lap.
One of his hands raised my chin so he could he see my eyes. “What's wrong? If you're worried about before, don't. Everything…”
I cut him off. “No Harry. I'm sorry for so much more. I've been a mess ever since you came back, well actually before that.” I couldn't stop the words. “I'm so lost and confused. I've wanted something for so long and just when I give up, you come back, but I'm scared. I'm scared you'll leave again. You use to always leave and I couldn't handle it if you did it again. And you're right. I'm scared of everything, I hate not knowing. For the longest time I didn't trust you when you came back. I just knew I'd wake up and I'd get news that you were gone again. That you'd left me. I couldn't deal with that. And I'm mad because I shouldn't be dependent on you; I shouldn't need you like this. I should be fine on my own.”
Finally I stopped. I was out of breath and practically hyperventilating. Plus I'm embarrassed for saying so much. Harry just sat there staring at me. I couldn't read him. I needed to know I hadn't said too much, that he understood where I was coming from.
“Say something.” Why won't he talk? Good job Hermione. Way to mess things up.
“I wasn't expecting this.”
I coughed at that. Thoughts began racing through my mind. “Expecting?” Was this a joke? “I just put myself out there…” My hands began waving to match my words and feelings. “…told you everything and that's all you can say? I wasn't expecting this?”
Harry ran a hand through his already disheveled hair. “I'm sorry. I don't know what you want me to say. I'm hurt you'd think that about me, but I understand.”
“Then tell me why you stayed away.”
“Hermione, it's not that easy. I want to tell you and I will. I just want to do it when I'm ready. When you're ready.” Harry sighed and looked at me steadily. “Do you trust me now?”
“What?”
“I asked if you trusted me now.”
“Yes. You know that.”
“Do I?”
“I trust you with my life Harry.”
“Then trust me when I say that I will explain everything. Just not right now. I'm not ready and neither are you. Not until you admit to yourself what you…”
I didn't have to listen to this. Not after I said all that. Cutting him off, I got up and started to the house. “Fine then, Harry. Let me know when you want to talk.” I have no idea what he did after that. I went to bed and cried. I tell him everything and he just sits there, refusing to meet me in the middle. I trust him but I don't like being toyed with. I should have known better than to say all that. I was right all along. Harry didn't feel that way towards me.
`Yes he does. All of his actions prove it.' Shut up! I hated that I was at war with myself.
His actions and words don't mix. He didn't say it so he doesn't feel it. Now was the perfect time to say something but he chose not to. So here I lay crying again.
I hope you enjoy this little dramatic part of the story. I just keep causing more for them. If you have the time, don't forget to leave a review! I love hearing from everyone.
-->