Breathe Me

Seersucker

Rating: R
Genres: Angst, Romance
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 7
Published: 18/02/2009
Last Updated: 18/02/2009
Status: completed

She needed reassurance that she could still feel anything… Hermione and Harry attend Ron’s funeral. H/Hr One-shot

Chapters

1. Comfort

1. Comfort

Disclaimer: Not mine

Summary: She needed reassurance that she could still feel anything… Hermione and Harry attend Ron’s funeral. H/Hr

A/N: *This isn’t one of those fics where Harry and Hermione just get together out of guilt or grief. (I hate those)* Music really gave me an inspiration for writing this so might I suggest you listen to Breathe Me by Sia and Never Think by Rob Pattinson while you read this.

(This takes place about five years after book 7).

She stood there next to him, wanting desperately to reach out and touch him, take his hand in her own. She needed reassurance that she could still feel anything…even if it would only be the warmth of his hand. None of this felt real, and the numbness—the anticipation of pain—was probably worse than the pain itself. She could see it all falling down around her, all of it, and while the faces around her looked sadly upon her own, grieving for her lost world, she could not comprehend what this would do to her. She was still frozen in the shock that this can’t be real, but reality is a relative term. Reality is just a word used to juxtapose dreams…or nightmares. She couldn’t even feel the cold against her wet cheeks. When did she start crying?

She had to remind herself to breathe.

Someone started speaking, but she didn’t hear, the blood rushing past her ears made everything sound fuzzy and distorted. With the rush of blood came a rush of memories all unfolding before her. He was gone. He wasn’t coming back. He would never come back.

And three dwindled to two. They pushed the dirt over the casket and slowly one by one everyone else started to leave, except for him. And then it was just the three of them.

Hermione Granger crouched down and traced the letters on the stone with her finger. Ronald Weasley. Suddenly, the life she had never seen them living while he was alive, the marriage, the kids, the dog, felt as though it was being ripped from her. She had never thought she wanted those things with him, but now that the chance for them was taken, she felt as if she really had lost all those things. He had wanted those things and now she felt horrible that he would never have them.

She buried her face in her hands and cried.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Her voice sounded strange so raw with emotion. She felt a hand on her shoulder; felt the warmth spread down her arm and jump start her heart. They must have spent hours there, her crouched in a ball with his hand on her shoulder, a pained expression on his face that she never saw. When it got dark he wrapped his arms around her and she found herself in his apartment.

It was cozy and dark. The only light came from the fireplace in the living room. He walked her over to the couch and sat down with her. She stared into the fire, completely silent and still. She nearly flinched when she heard his voice, rough from grief and disuse.

“You’d think I’d be used to it by now.” She sniffed. “I’ve lost nearly everyone in my life, but I think it just hurts worse every time.” Hermione moved her head towards his voice, watching his hands twist uselessly in his lap. She thought about how those hands had taken down one of the most powerful wizards in history and how those same hands fit so perfectly in her own. She flinched at the memory.

She felt guilty. Ron had deserved better than her. Ron deserved someone who loved him as he loved her. She did want the marriage, the house, the kids, but not with him, and Ron had deserved better than that. He was gone and she had wasted what time he had had. She tore her eyes away from Harry’s hands; the temptation to be in his embrace was too strong. She closed her eyes. She was a horrible person.

“Hermione?” she felt the soft touch on her shoulder, felt the breath of him in her hair and a tear slipped down her cheek from under her lashes. It burned to be with him.

“Harry.” It crushed her. She couldn’t choke out any more words. She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t be here, not with the man she loved while she mourned the man she should have loved. She tried to pull away from his embrace. She didn’t deserve his kindness. She had betrayed their best friend. Using her last bit of strength she weakly pushed him away. Not meeting the look of intense hurt in his eyes.

“I- I have to go.” She got up suddenly, feeling dizzy from the sudden movement. He jumped up too, putting a hand on her arm to stop her.

“Don’t!” he nearly shouted, before his voice broke off, “you can’t. You’re in no condition to go home, and I can’t let anything happen to you. You’re all I have left now. You’re all the family I have.” She wanted to say he had other people, people more worthy of his love. Their names died on her lips. Standing there she felt so small, and so breakable—so broken.

“Please, stay.” She turned to him and his eyes burned emerald as the fire lit them with dancing flames. He ran the back of his hand lightly across her cheek and her traitorous body melted into his touch. “What is it?” he whispered.

“Ron deserved so much better than me.” She whispered the words as her eyes fluttered shut, too ashamed to meet his gaze. There was a tense pause, but surprisingly Harry’s voice was softer than velvet.

“How? How can you say that Hermione? You’re everything. You’re loving, smart, funny…beautiful. How could Ron not be the luckiest man on Earth?” his use of present tense sent a whole new wave of shame and grief rolling into her. She screwed her eyes shut tighter, trying to grasp the whole situation.

“Harry I have to go.” She pulled away from him, instantly missing the comfort of his touch. He stopped her with his voice as she got to the door.

“Don’t leave, Hermione. If you leave now, we’re never going to talk about it. If you leave now this all becomes some taboo subject that we’ll dance around for years. I’ve tried repressing this kind of pain, it just makes it worst. Come on Hermione, the one thing I know is death, and we’ve been silent for too long. If you leave now, we’ll never talk about it again, and he deserves better than awkward silences and unbearable pauses. You know that. I know you know that.”

She stood there, hating his sincerity, hating that he was right. She hesitated; maybe she didn’t want to talk about it…ever.

No, Harry was right.

“I never loved him,” she sighed, her hand still on the door, “at least, not the way that he loved me, and he deserved better than that.”

The silence was tense but she didn’t expect him to say anything to that. What could he say? She stared at the door, her back to Harry. She heard him sit back down on the couch. Something in her refused to turn the handle and escape.

“But, I was so sure you two…” it was a whisper that died on his lips, unsure of himself. Hadn’t they been meant to be together? That’s what he had told himself for years. That was how it was meant to be. Hermione’s shoulders slumped as she let out a sigh. “Why?” she turned at his voice which was louder this time. He was facing her, his body twisted from the couch to meet his eyes. Distantly she remembered him sitting in that same position when she would come in through the portrait hole at Hogwarts.

“There were a lot of things.” She sighed at the deluge of reasons that she had always known were there.

“We fought incessantly. There were so many quirks we just hated about each other. We were so different, you know? And we were happy to be with each other for what time we were but I always knew we were too different to make it work for the long run, but I stayed with him because he did make me happy and I did love him just not the exact way he loved me.” She took a deep breath.

“I don’t know, I just figured we would have more time to work it out and figure out what we wanted. I just thought we would have more time. Now I just feel awful, like I was leading him on or just staying with him out of convenience. And even now, I don’t miss him as a lost love but I miss him as a friend. It doesn’t feel like I lost the love of my life, if feels like I lost my best friend. And it hurts all the same but I wish… I wish it had all been different.” Her confession done, Hermione turned back to the door.

Before she could even turn the knob, she felt his hand wrap around hers. He let it linger there, and as she looked up at his face, she saw his eyes were trained on their intertwined fingers.

“You gave Ron what he needed, and I can’t think of any person he would have been luckier to spend his time with than you. I know you Hermione, and I know you weren’t doing it to hurt his feelings…and I know that you love him. We all did, but you were there for him, and that’s what matters.” He looked up to meet her eyes, and they burned the deepest emerald she had ever seen.

Breathe.

With his free hand he touched her cheek, lightly running his fingertips down her face. She saw something in his eyes, something that seemed more alive than anything she had ever seen before. Suddenly, he turned away from her, wrenching his hand out of hers.

The fire caught the glimmer of a tear rolling down his cheek.

“Do you really believe that?” She whispered brokenly. He paused as he walked away from her. She saw his shoulders rise as he took a deep breath.

“Just to have the memories of us together? I would have been okay with whatever you wanted.” This was dangerous territory. This was stuff that they had been stepping around for years.

“Don’t say that.” She whispered, trying to slow the pounding of her traitorous heart. She didn’t want to hear those kinds of words from him. Not when she was so weak, not when she wanted so desperately to twist them and make them mean something more than he felt.

“Don’t say what, Hermione? What do you want me to say? What do you need to hear? Because I can’t stand losing you too.” She saw his broad chest rise and fall in frustration, anger, and hurt.

“There’s nothing you can do. Don’t you understand Harry?” She was becoming hysterical. Everything, everything was too much. This pain in her chest, the ache in her heart felt like a gaping hole that would suck her completely down. The room was suffocating and hot and her skin itched under his intense, steady stare. The pain of loss mixed with the pain of heartbreak broke her. After years of charade, years of lying to herself, she couldn’t do it anymore and the truth spilled from her better than any Vertiserum potion ever could have made her talk.

“There’s nothing you can do for me because you could do everything for me. Do you know what it’s like to be in love with your boyfriend’s best friend? To kiss him and distantly wish it were someone else? How horrible of a person do you have to be to want that? How terrible of a person am I to screw everything up?” and she could feel the tears coming, choking off her words. “I’m so stupid.” Her voice broke and she stood there, not knowing if her legs could continue to hold her up. She clung to the wall like a lifeline.

Huge, wracking sobs shook through her body. She felt like she was burning alive, or being crushed by the world. She felt his arms wrap around her waist, his chin find the crook of her neck and his hair against her cheek. She tried to push him away but he held tighter and her resolve faded. She let herself mold to his body. She let her hand wrap around his torso, clawing desperately to his back.

She heard his reassuring, hallow words. The softly whispered “it’s okay”s and his hands ran through her hair, pulling her closer to him. When her body stopped convulsing he whispered her name, reverently in her ear. She opened her eyes as she deeply inhaled his scent from his shoulder. They had collapsed onto the floor and he was still soothingly rubbing her back.

She wondered how he could ever want to hold onto her after she had explained everything to him, but she decided since she was already being selfish, she may as well continue and relish every moment with him, because surely he could not want to see her ever again after tonight.

It was at that thought that she felt his lips in her hair.

She froze. His lips found the spot next to her ear and moved their way up to her temple, her forehead, and back down to her other cheek. In between each kiss he whispered her name like he was worshipping some sacred deity. He took her face in both his hands and pulled away from her. He looked intensely into her eyes, his brow furrowed in the effort.

“You are the most brilliant person I have ever met.” Pain was evident in his voice and she sniffed, clinging to every word. He had the ability to destroy her at this moment. He had the ability to save her. She needed him. She tried to silence her heart, so she could hear better over its ferocious thumping.

“I’m here because of you. You are the reason I wake up in the morning. Sometimes, I’m so numb to everything else because all I can feel is the pain of loving you. The only thing that keeps me going-kept me going, was telling myself that you were happy, and that was all that mattered to me. I’ve wanted to leave so many times, Hermione, leave and let you and Ron have the happy ending, but I knew wherever I went I would still look for your face. I know what it’s like to be in love with your best friend’s girlfriend. I’ve known for many years now. It’s perfect hell.”

Breathe. Breathe. Her lungs wouldn’t listen, her head couldn’t process, and her body went numb. Everything dimmed around her, everything except his face. His eyes burned brightly in her vision.

Her breath, when it did come, tangled in her throat. This could not be true. This could not be happening.

The feel of his lips against hers was the only validation she would ever need. His lips, parted slightly, crashed against hers, the force knocking her back onto the floor. His hands were everywhere, searching for her. Searching to touch her and make sure she was real, that she wasn’t one of the many dreams that always left him more alone than ever before, but he could feel her warmth against him, feel her lips against his, pushing just as urgently.

Her hands were under his shirt and across his back in a moment and his hand inched up her stomach, tracing the smooth skin.

“Harry,” she gasped against his lips, moving roughly against him, trying to feel everything, trying to make all of her senses aware of this very moment. His lips were intoxicating, better than anything she could have ever imagined in one of her guilty fantasies. He trailed sloppy warm kisses down the side of her neck. She gasped as she could feel his lips curve to a smile against her flushed skin. Suddenly her hands were clawing at the back of his shirt, pulling it up over his head, breaking contact for only a moment to remove the offensive clothing. He supported his weight on his hands as he looked down at her, a strange but fantastic look on his face that she had never seen before.

She looked so small underneath him, so delicate and beautiful. He groaned at the thought of actually being able to kiss her, to feel her hands on his body and know that he wouldn’t wake up from this. She smiled shyly, which just drove him crazier as he lunged back down to her mouth, melting their lips together.

Her hands blazed trails of fire against his skin and he had to fight the groans growing in his chest as he felt her legs wrap around his dress pant clad legs. Her dress bunched up around her hips and she could feel him through the thin fabric of his pants. She squirmed underneath his weight, loving the feel as she tried to better maneuver their lower halves. She felt his hand snake under her back and toy with the zipper at the nape of her neck. She pushed roughly into his hips, hoping to answer his silent question and instantly she felt the cool wood against her back.

He peeled the dress from her chest, revealing the black bra she wore underneath it and his lips tore away from hers to drink her in. She distinctly heard a low growl in his throat as she continued to pull away the dress until she wriggled her hips so it was down around her ankles and then completely discarded.

She sighed into his lips as his one hand went to caress her breast through the too-thick fabric of her bra. Luckily, Harry must have felt the same way about the bra because he quickly undid the clasp and that too joined the small pile of clothes around them. Hermione sighed as she felt his warm hand wrap itself securely around her breast and squeeze. She whimpered as he did that while he ground his hips deeply into hers. She could feel his chuckle against her lips and decided it was his turn to whimper.

Her hand flew to the buckle of his belt and she felt him tense for a moment then he began slowing their kissing as if saying goodbye. The change in behavior paused her progress on his belt as his hands moved to either side of her, supporting his weight on his elbows. His kisses slowed until it was once again just a soft simple kiss. Her brow furrowed in fear as he reluctantly pulled away from mouth and looked at her face again.

“Hermione,” his voice nearly cracked as he said her name, “Hermione, I know you’re hurting and upset but if you’re not one hundred percent sure that you want this… you have to tell me now. I don’t think I could wake up tomorrow and wonder if you’re going to regret this. I know I won’t regret this and I know that I’m not doing this out of any other reason than truly wanting to be with you, but if you’re just looking for an outlet…we have to stop this now… because this will mean everything to me and if you don’t want it…I couldn’t live with that.”

His words hung between them for a moment, making them slow and realize they were indeed on the floor of his apartment half-dressed. She moved her hands to touch his face lightly.

“How could I ever not want to be with you? I want you more than anything. I love you and I need you in every way possible. Please Harry, I’ve thought about you so often.” Her eyes showed him everything he had ever wanted to see in them. It was the desire he saw in them which caused him to scoop her up and carry her to his bedroom. He laid her gently on the bed, crawling over top of her like a panther.

She felt his lips against hers, felt his body press into her own and even through the pain that ached dully in her heart, she knew it was right.

“I love you, Harry Potter.” She whispered into the darkness. His lips brushed lightly over hers as her eyes fluttered shut.

“I have always loved you, Hermione Granger.” And the two of them stayed in that room for days, getting used to the feeling of perfect happiness. Somehow, everything would work out, because something like this, bigger than the two of them, had to work out.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“Harry? Harry, you awake?” Harry rolled over to face Ron. The rain beat against the tent and Harry could hear the even breathing of Hermione in the next room.

“What Ron?” his voice was a rough whisper.

“Hey you know what we saw in the locket? You know you and Hermione?” Harry blushed at the memory of Horcrux Harry kissing Horcrux Hermione.

“Yeah what about it?”

“Look, I know that you only think of Hermione as a sister, but I’m not daft, I know Hermione has some kind of feelings for you. What I want you to know is that if something doesn’t work out between Hermione and me, or if something happens to me, I want you to take care of her. I wouldn’t be surprised if she chose you over me.”

“Don’t be daft Ron”

“I couldn’t really blame her for it though either. You know, when it comes down to it, I really just want her to be happy.” Harry could hear the smile in Ron’s voice. “So just, if anything happens, make sure she’s okay; take care of her Harry.” Harry sat there awkwardly for a moment, not used to Ron being so sentimental.

“She’s really lucky to have you, Ron, and you’re really lucky to have her. Now let’s get to sleep, I’m exhausted and you know Hermione’s gonna be up at the crack of dawn complaining about one thing or another.” Both boys laughed before rolling over and going to sleep.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Harry held her tightly against his chest, promising himself there would be no more loss in their lives. It was time for them to begin living their lives, and that was exactly what they planned to do, together.

A/N: Eh, not my best but I wanted to try something different. Let me know what you think.