The Trouble with Toys

Mstar

Rating: PG13
Genres: Humor, Mystery
Relationships: Lily & James
Book: Lily & James, Books 1 - 5
Published: 24/03/2009
Last Updated: 24/03/2009
Status: completed

A sequel to "A Contraceptive Controversy". Frank Longbottom finds a certain Muggle innovation lying around the castle and has difficulty identifying it. Fortunately, the Marauders are there to help.

Chapters

1. untitled

1. untitled

The Trouble with Toys

By Mstar

It was just a normal day at the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The Slytherins were Slytherining, the Ravenclaws were Ravenclawing, the Hufflepuffs were Hufflepuffing, and of course, the Gryffindors were Gryffindoring (and all the while the whole lot of them were making little red squiggles run across the author's computer screen). However, certain Gryffindors were quite bored, and as we all know, bored adolescents can never lead to anything good.

“I'm bored,” said Sirius Black, sprawled out on one of the sofas in the common room.

“I'm bored, too,” said James Potter, who was laying upside in one of the plush armchairs. The two of them sighed. It was a lazy Saturday afternoon, and there was nothing to do. It wasn't a Hogsmeade weekend, and Remus was studying while Peter was off eating. Of course, they could have begun working on the big essay that they had due on Monday for Transfiguration, but where was the fun in that? They'd rather be bored. As they began to sigh some more, Frank Longbottom ran into the room with some strange device in hand.

“What's up, Frank?” said James, his glasses slipping off his face.

“Well I was on my way over to the common room, when I found this thing in front of the girl's bathroom.” James righted himself, and he and Sirius got up to see what Frank had. It was some sort of Muggle thing, they were sure - there was this small rectangular box that had, what were they called? Batteries, that's it, batteries in it. It also had some sort of switch and was attached to this pink round thing on a long cord.

The boys were at a loss as to what it could be. They inspected it for a minute, and then Sirius had the bright idea to flip the switch. All of a sudden, the pink thing started to vibrate and a startled Frank dropped it onto the floor.

“What is this thing?” said James, peering at it. They had a general knowledge of Muggle things from their Muggle Studies class, but the three purebloods were clueless about more obscure Muggle objects, such as the contraption before them. As they continued to puzzle over it, Peter Pettigrew entered the common room.

“What are you guys up to?” he asked, approaching his friends.

“Peter, your grandma's a Muggle, right?”said Sirius.

“Yeah - what of it?”

“Can you tell us what this is?” asked Frank, holding out the object for Peter's inspection.

Peter picked it up and examined it thoroughly, flipping the switch (and dropping it like Frank), taking the batteries in and out, and even sniffing it and (to the others' disgust) licking. After a few minutes of this steadfast observation, he handed it back to Frank and replied, “I've got nothin'.”

“Well you're a load of help,” said Sirius.

“Well it's not like you're much better.” Sirius couldn't really reply to that, so he just glared while the four of them continued to try and unravel the mystery of the strange Muggle object.

“What do you think it could be used for?” mused Frank, taking a seat on the couch.

“I dunno,” said James, taking a seat next to him. “Maybe it's used for… cleaning or something like that.”

“Cleaning?” said Sirius. “I doubt that. It's way too small.”

“Well do you have any bright ideas, then?” snapped James.

Sirius took a seat on the floor in front of the couch and pondered the object in question for a few moments. Finally, he said, “Cooking.”

“Cooking?” said Frank. “How the hell could it be used in cooking?”

“Well you know how you have to mix stuff? Maybe it's a type of mixing device.”

“And you said that it was too small for cleaning,” said James. “It's definitely too small to mix anything.”

“Well what if it's a really small mixing bowl?” said Peter, sitting down on the floor as well.

“Yeah,” said Sirius. “The Muggles could be fixing a really small cake!”

“I'll believe it when I see it,” said Frank. So prove his theory, Sirius ran off to the kitchens and returned with the necessary ingredients and materials to make a cake (or at least make the batter). As the boys got down to business, it soon became apparent that to use the device to mix even a miniscule cake was impossible, so as Peter (to the others' further disgust) licked the remains of the batter from the object, the boys went back to the drawing board.

“So cooking's out,” said Frank, “and I can't see any way that it could be used to clean, so do you guys have any other ideas?”

As the four began to ponder once more, another boy entered the common room. “What are you lot up to?” asked Kingsley Shacklebolt.

They all looked up, and then Frank explained their predicament. “I found this weird Muggle thing and we're trying to figure out what it is.”

“Again?”

“Again.”

Kingsley laughed and then inspected the device. “Well it runs on electricity,” he observed, “and it's pink, so it must provide some sort of service to women.”

“Like what?” asked Sirius.

“Cooking and cleaning?”

“Negatory,” said Frank. “We already tried that.”

“Well, then… maybe it's for applying make-up?” There was a universal “ah” of understanding from the other boys. Of course- what else could it be used for? Now the question was, what kind of make-up did it apply?

“Do any of you guys have some make-up?” asked Frank.

Sirius and James both turned to look at Peter. He at first looked clueless, but as the two boys continued to stare at him, he released a sigh of resignation and headed to the boys dormitory.

“Peter seriously has make-up?” said Frank, incredulous.

“Yeah, he likes to pretend like he doesn't,” replied Sirius.

“But we know for a fact that he uses it to cover his zits,” James explained.

Peter stumbled back down from the boys' dorm and reluctantly held out a plastic bag containing some liquid foundation, loose powder, as well some sponges, a powder brush, and oddly enough, some eyeshadow. “Really, Peter,” said James. “Eyeshadow?”

Peter mumbled something incomprehensible.

“What was that?” said Sirius.

“It…me…ty…sometimes”

“Out with it, man,” said Kingsley, playfully punching Peter in the shoulder.

“It makes me feel pretty sometimes,” Peter said very quietly. The other boys laughed very loudly.

When they had recovered themselves (Peter looked like we was going to wet his pants from embarrassment), they set to work trying to figure out this new use for the mysterious device. Naturally, they chose Peter to be their guinea pig.

Sirius inspected the contents of Peter's bag and then picked up the Muggle device. “So it must be this liquidy stuff-”

“Foundation,” quipped Peter.

“ - and it must go on this pink thing. Maybe once it starts vibrating, it makes the make-up go on better?” Sirius applied some of the foundation onto the pink thing and then turned the device on.

“This feels weird,” remarked Peter as his friend began applying the make-up to his face.

When he was done, Sirius stepped back to inspect his work. “It doesn't look right,” observed James.

“Isn't it not finished yet?” said Kingsley. He pulled the powder from the bag and continued, “Don't girls put this stuff -”

“Powder,” inserted Peter.

“Yeah, powder. Don't they put this stuff on too?” The boys all nodded in agreement, so Sirius grabbed the powder and the brush and put it on Peter.

“It still looks lumpy,” Frank replied.

“Let me see,” said Peter. “Someone give me a mirror.” This time, James stared at Sirius who reluctantly produced a compact mirror from his back pocket.

“I like to check my hair,” he muttered as he handed it to Peter.

“This is awful!” shrieked Peter in response to his refection.

“Well you should know,” said Sirius. “You're the one that wears make-up.”

“So why did you put it on me?”

“I dunno - good question.”

At that moment, who should enter the common room but Remus Lupin. “What are you guys doing?” he asked, approaching the group. “The lot of you together can never be a good thing.”

“We found a Muggle thing,” James informed him.

“Again?”

“Again.”

“Well what is it this time?” Sirius, was still holding the device, offered it to Remus.

“Do you know what it is?” he asked.

Remus didn't take the device, but peered curiously at the object in his friend's hands. “Where, pray tell, did you guys happen to find this?” he asked.

“I found it laying outside of the girl's restroom,” Frank answered.

“And we're pretty sure that it's not for cleaning,” said James.

“Or cooking,” said Sirius.

“And definitely not make-up,” said Peter, who was still peering disgustedly at his reflection in the mirror.

Remus dropped his face into his palm, as if trying to compose himself. After a moment, he looked up and replied, “Let's just say that it's a… personal massager.” With that, Remus left for the boys' dorm.

Well this made a lot more sense to the others than the ideas that they had come up with. “Actually,” said Sirius, “That would probably feel kind of good.”

“Only not,” said James, looking a little disgusted, “since Peter has licked it. Multiple times.”

“Oh… yeah.”

“Well I have no problems with it,” said Peter cheerfully. He took the device from Sirius and proceeded to massage his arm with it.

As Peter began to tell the boys how good the, ahem, massager felt, in walked Lily Evans and Alice Prewett. The two of them had been discussing the latest exploits of Holly the Whore (of Gryffindor), but their conversation trailed off when they spied the group occupying the middle of the common room. “Alice, is that…?” asked Lily, as Alice turned a rather interesting shade of puce.

Lily began giggling uncontrollably as her friend snatched the Muggle contraption from Peter and dashed up the stairs to the girls' dormitory.

“What's so funny, Evans?” asked James, running a hand through his hair and trying to sound suave.

Lily stopped giggling as it dawned on her that she was going to have to explain what exactly the device was. “Well,” she said slowly, “what do you think it was?”

“According to Remus,” said Peter, “it's a personal massager.”

Lily let out a laugh. “Well it is, sort of…” She suddenly started blushing. “Um,” she said, “do you guys know how girls, uh, pleasure themselves?”

“What, chocolate?” said Peter.

“No, you idiot,” snapped Sirius. “She means masturbation, right?”

“Er, yeah,” Lily replied. “Well do you guys know how girls, er, uh, masturbate?”

“Don't they…” started Sirius, the more sexually experienced of the group, but he trailed off has what Lily meant hit him. “Oh, so that thing was for, uh, down there,” he said, gesturing towards his nether regions.

“Uh huh,” said Lily, her face now the color of her hair.

“What are you guys talking about?” asked Frank, because he and the others were completely in the dark. With an exasperated sigh, Sirius put his arms around his friends and pulled them into a huddle facing away from Lily. In a hurried whisper, he explained what they were talking about. When he was finished, Lily wasn't the only one blushing violently.

“And, P-Peter licked it,” said Frank, horrorstruck.

“Wait - Peter did what?” asked Lily incredulously.

“Whoa, hold on a second,” said Kingsley. “Isn't Alice pureblood? How did she even get this, this… thing?”

“Oh,” said Lily, laughing again. “I gave it to her last year as a gag gift for her, uh, birth… day…” She trailed off as it dawned upon her what she had said. She, Lily Evans, had just admitted to buying a sex toy. “Um, see you guys later,” she said as she headed to the girls' dorm after Alice.

“Wait, what just happened,” said James, a little perplexed.

“What just happened,” said Sirius as he threw an arm around his friend's shoulders, “is that we now know that our Little Miss Goody-Two-Shoes Evans is, in fact, aware of sex. There may just be hope for you yet, Prongsy.”

“But didn't we know she was aware back when we found that meat holder thingy?” asked Peter, confused.

“Ah, but now sex toys are involved,” explained Sirius, “which changes the situation from a matter of being aware of sex, to being aware of sex, which believe me, is a whole other matter entirely.”

“Oh,” said Peter, still very much confused.

AN- Yes, I am aware that electricity doesn't work at Hogwarts, but it does for this particular ficlit. ^_^

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