Muggle Confusion

Mstar

Rating: PG13
Genres: Humor, Mystery
Relationships: Lily & James
Book: Lily & James, Books 1 - 7
Published: 23/04/2009
Last Updated: 23/04/2009
Status: in_progress

This is a compilation of "A Contraceptive Controversy" and "The Trouble with Toys". The OCD in me demanded consolidation. For those of you unfamiliar with the series, the Marauders and friends learn the purpose of various Muggle... objects.

Chapters

1. A Contraceptive Controversy

2. The Trouble with Toys

1. A Contraceptive Controversy

A Contraceptive Controversy

By M*star

James Potter was quite brilliant, or at least he'd like to think so. He had some of the best grades in the sixth year- they would probably be the best if he did his homework regularly. The Marauder's Map had been his idea- even if he wasn't brilliant, the Map certainly was. He was also an animagus. An (illegal) animagus at sixteen was something brilliant indeed.

So if he was so brilliant, then why was he incapable of identifying the object before him?

It's not like it was particularly complicated looking: all it was was a little piece of rubber, really. There's nothing complex about that, is there? No, not at all.

To James' good fortune, his best friend and partner in crime walked through the portrait hole at that moment.

“Sirius!” he greeted him. “I have a dilemma!”

“A dilemma?” he asked. “What sort of dilemma?”

“Do you know what this is?” James inquired, passing the rubber circle to Sirius.

His friend inspected the object, poking it and what not, and came to the conclusion of, “I have no idea.”

“Well you're no help,” James said in reply. He crossed his arms in a huff and racked his brain for what the little rubber thing might be.

“It's a muggle object, I think,” Sirius informed him, upon his further inspection of it.

“Duh,” Jams couldn't help but say. “If it was a wizarding something, I would know what it is!”

“Well you didn't have to get shirty with me.”

“Oh shut up and think.”

As the two boys put their heads together, another young wizard, by the name of Frank Longbottom, entered the common room.

“Hey guys!” he said, seemingly in a good mood. “Whatcha doin'?”

Since he continued to draw a blank, James decided to ask Frank what he thought the object may be. Frank took the little rubber circle, stretching it and poking it as Sirius had done, and then…

“Oh! I think I know what this is!”

“What?!” the Marauders asked him eagerly.

“Well I don't know what exactly it is, but you know how my uncle works in the muggle artifacts office at the Ministry? Well I think he had one of these at some point. Something to do with bananas,” Frank explained. So, curious as they were, they conjured up a banana and proceeded to try and figure out how it had to do with bananas.

After several minutes of failure, Sirius had the bright idea to place the circle over top one end of the banana and pull down on the rubber. Now the poor banana was trapped in what appeared to be a skin-tight rubber sleeve. “Now what's the point of that?” Sirius couldn't help but say.

“I don't know!” Frank said defensively. “Muggles are weird! Maybe it's some sort of banana protection device.”

“I seriously doubt that a flimsy piece of rubber would protect your banana,” James remarked, staring at the fruit in question pensively. “Maybe it's supposed to keep it from rotting or something.”

“That's no good,” the other Marauder disagreed. “See! The end sticks out. Part of your banana would rot right off.”

“Yeah, that would kind of suck.”

At that moment, Peter Pettigrew came through the portrait hole. “What's with the banana?” he asked his friends, reasonably confused. “And what the heck do you have on it?”
“Well it's some sort of muggle device that I found,” James informed him.

“And Frank reckons it has to do with bananas,” Sirius added.

Peter investigated the rubber-coated banana and shook his head. “Nah, I think you lot are wrong.”

“What do you propose it is, then?” Frank asked, irritated to be called wrong.

“Well my Gram's a muggle, so I know a bit about muggle junk,” Peter told them, puffing out his chest a little, glad that for once he knew something that James and Sirius didn't. “Unless I'm mistaken, I think that's a sock.”

“A sock?” James said cynically.

“A rubber sock?” Sirius said in disbelief.

“Of course!” Peter assured them. “You know how they have latex gloves, for hospitals and other sanitary places? Well this has no fingers, so it's obviously for your foot.”

“Oh!” the other three boys chorused in understanding.

“That does make sense,” Frank couldn't help but agree.

To demonstrate, Peter whipped off a sock and shoe (causing the others to want to retch just a bit) and after having removed the rubber from the banana, he proceeded to wrestle it on to his foot. It was a tight fit, but the piece of rubber stretched to accommodate it. As the three boys oohed and ahhed over their friend's stroke of genius, another boy entered the common room.

“What are you lot up to?” Kingsley Shacklebolt asked.

“I found this weird muggle sock,” James explained, showing to him Peter's foot.

Kingsley gave the rubber “sock” an odd look, then replied, “I don't think that's a sock.”

“Of course it is!” Peter said angrily. “What else could it be?”

“Well…” Kingsley examined Peter's foot closely (with a hand pinching his nose shut, of course), clearly trying to come up with a better use for. After a few moments more, she suddenly said brightly, “Puppets!”

“Puppets?” the others said incredulously. It was indeed a rather frivolous suggestion coming from the typically somber Kingsley.

“Yes, puppets! Finger puppets most likely. It's blank so you can draw faces and clothes and stuff on it!”

Since they had tried the other suggestions, they decided to give Kingsley's a shot. They had nothing better to do, after all. So Sirius, after Peter had removed if from his foot, pulled the rubber over his left index finger. Kingsley dug around in his bag, and curiously, procured a box of muggle markers.

“Why do you have these?” Sirius asked as he drew a mini version of James on the rubber. “Or do I even want to know?”

“I like to color,” Kingsley answered him, smiling. “They're so much easier than using a quill, don'tcha think? Not to mention the bright colors are perfect for flowers!”

As he tried to banish the idea of Kingsley Shacklebolt coloring pictures of tulips and whatnot, Sirius held the finger puppet up and said in a high, squeaky voice, “Look! I'm James Potter! I'm full of bollocks and I stalk Lily Evans!” Sirius sounded so ridiculous, that the other boys couldn't help but burst out laughing. “She'd probably kill me,” he continued, “if she ever found out that I raided her panty drawer and swiped her purple polka-dot bra!”

“Shh, Sirius!” James hissed, smacking his friend rather hard upside the head.

“You really did that that?!” said Frank, choking back more laughter.

“It was a dare,” James replied defensively.

“But you kept it is the point,” Sirius told him, still using the squeaky puppet voice.

As the boys continued these antics, the final Marauder, Remus Lupin, entered the room. Curious to see what all the ruckus was about, he came closer to scene, unnoticed by the others who were too busy egging on James, who was attacking Sirius as he continued to spill his secrets by use of finger puppet. Once he realized what was on Sirius's finger, his presence was announced by the uncontrollable laughter coming in waves from him.

“What's up, Moony?” Sirius greeted his friend as he dodged James's fist.

“Sirius,” Remus managed to say, as he was laughing so hard, “do you know what's on your finger?”

“We think it's a finger puppet,” Kingsley told him.

“Or a sock!” Peter interjected.

“Or a banana protector!” Frank added.

At “banana protector” Remus lost what little self-control he had left as he fell to the floor, absolutely howling. The others were certainly confused as to what Remus found so hilarious. “I didn't think the finger puppet was that funny,” Peter remarked as he watched his friend's continued hysterics.

“Hey!” Sirius exclaimed, suddenly remembering something. “Remus's dad is muggle-born! Maybe he knows what it is!”

“Ya think?” James said sarcastically.

When their friend had appeared to have recovered his senses, Frank asked, “So what is it exactly?”

Remus looked at them and said, quite seriously, “It's a meat holder,” and then burst out laughing again as he headed to the boys' dorm.

Now as mentioned before, the boys had nothing better to do, so of course they procured some meat and stuffed it into the piece of rubber. “I don't think this is a very good meat holder,” James observed as they had difficulty keeping a grip on the edges.

“But that's what Remus said it was!” Sirius exclaimed as some of the meat fell out.

“I think it's because Peter stuck his foot in it,” Kingsley said, shaking his head. “It's ruined, I bet.”

“No, no,” Sirius disagreed. “We just need something solid to hold up the edges.”

“Like what?”

The boys thought for a few moments in silence, before Sirius suddenly exclaimed, “Potatoes!”

“Potatoes?”

“Meat and potatoes! It's perfect!”

“Now you're making me hungry,” Peter remarked as they shoved a couple of potatoes into the opening of the now thoroughly stretched rubber sleeve.

“You can eat the meat and potatoes later, Peter,” Sirius replied, “but right now I need them.”

Now at that moment, a certain red-head walked into the common room. As you can imagine, she found the scene before her rather disturbing. “What are you doing with those meat and potatoes?” she asked.

Before the boys could reply, she came closer and reddened as she noticed what they were stuffing the aforementioned food into. “Is this some kind of sick joke?” she demanded, causing the boys to cower just a bit.

“No!” James assured her. “I just found this weird muggle thing, and Remus said it was a meat holder so we…”

He trailed off as Lily started to laugh in a manner quite similar to how Remus had laughed upon finding them. “He seriously told you that?” she asked, still laughing.

“Yes… What is it, Lily?” James asked, under the distinct impression that Remus had been less than honest with him.

“Potter, it's a condom,” she replied, only to receive blank stares.

“A what?”

“A condom.” Her face reddened again as she tried to find words to explain it's… function. In the wizarding world, they used a spell, so it made sense as to why the boys were clueless. “It's a… contraceptive.”

“A contraceptive? What's that?” Sirius asked, the others appearing just as in the dark.

Lily shook her head, fed up with tact. “It's what muggle guys use to keep girls from getting pregnant when they have sex,” she told them bluntly. This time, it was the guys' turn to blush.

“So it goes over-”

“Yeah.”

“To keep-”

“Exactly.”

James looked at the ruined condom before him and then up at Lily, the sight of the two causing him sigh deeply.

At that, Lily started laughing again as she replied, “Not on your life, Potter.” With that last sentiment, she continued up to the girls' dorm, leaving behind five very embarrassed boys.

-->

2. The Trouble with Toys

The Trouble with Toys

By Mstar

It was just a normal day at the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The Slytherins were Slytherining, the Ravenclaws were Ravenclawing, the Hufflepuffs were Hufflepuffing, and of course, the Gryffindors were Gryffindoring (and all the while the whole lot of them were making little red squiggles run across the author's computer screen). However, certain Gryffindors were quite bored, and as we all know, bored adolescents can never lead to anything good.

“I'm bored,” said Sirius Black, sprawled out on one of the sofas in the common room.

“I'm bored, too,” said James Potter, who was laying upside in one of the plush armchairs. The two of them sighed. It was a lazy Saturday afternoon, and there was nothing to do. It wasn't a Hogsmeade weekend, and Remus was studying while Peter was off eating. Of course, they could have begun working on the big essay that they had due on Monday for Transfiguration, but where was the fun in that? They'd rather be bored. As they began to sigh some more, Frank Longbottom ran into the room with some strange device in hand.

“What's up, Frank?” said James, his glasses slipping off his face.

“Well I was on my way over to the common room, when I found this thing in front of the girl's bathroom.” James righted himself, and he and Sirius got up to see what Frank had. It was some sort of Muggle thing, they were sure - there was this small rectangular box that had, what were they called? Batteries, that's it, batteries in it. It also had some sort of switch and was attached to this pink round thing on a long cord.

The boys were at a loss as to what it could be. They inspected it for a minute, and then Sirius had the bright idea to flip the switch. All of a sudden, the pink thing started to vibrate and a startled Frank dropped it onto the floor.

“What is this thing?” said James, peering at it. They had a general knowledge of Muggle things from their Muggle Studies class, but the three purebloods were clueless about more obscure Muggle objects, such as the contraption before them. As they continued to puzzle over it, Peter Pettigrew entered the common room.

“What are you guys up to?” he asked, approaching his friends.

“Peter, your grandma's a Muggle, right?”said Sirius.

“Yeah - what of it?”

“Can you tell us what this is?” asked Frank, holding out the object for Peter's inspection.

Peter picked it up and examined it thoroughly, flipping the switch (and dropping it like Frank), taking the batteries in and out, and even sniffing it and (to the others' disgust) licking. After a few minutes of this steadfast observation, he handed it back to Frank and replied, “I've got nothin'.”

“Well you're a load of help,” said Sirius.

“Well it's not like you're much better.” Sirius couldn't really reply to that, so he just glared while the four of them continued to try and unravel the mystery of the strange Muggle object.

“What do you think it could be used for?” mused Frank, taking a seat on the couch.

“I dunno,” said James, taking a seat next to him. “Maybe it's used for… cleaning or something like that.”

“Cleaning?” said Sirius. “I doubt that. It's way too small.”

“Well do you have any bright ideas, then?” snapped James.

Sirius took a seat on the floor in front of the couch and pondered the object in question for a few moments. Finally, he said, “Cooking.”

“Cooking?” said Frank. “How the hell could it be used in cooking?”

“Well you know how you have to mix stuff? Maybe it's a type of mixing device.”

“And you said that it was too small for cleaning,” said James. “It's definitely too small to mix anything.”

“Well what if it's a really small mixing bowl?” said Peter, sitting down on the floor as well.

“Yeah,” said Sirius. “The Muggles could be fixing a really small cake!”

“I'll believe it when I see it,” said Frank. So prove his theory, Sirius ran off to the kitchens and returned with the necessary ingredients and materials to make a cake (or at least make the batter). As the boys got down to business, it soon became apparent that to use the device to mix even a miniscule cake was impossible, so as Peter (to the others' further disgust) licked the remains of the batter from the object, the boys went back to the drawing board.

“So cooking's out,” said Frank, “and I can't see any way that it could be used to clean, so do you guys have any other ideas?”

As the four began to ponder once more, another boy entered the common room. “What are you lot up to?” asked Kingsley Shacklebolt.

They all looked up, and then Frank explained their predicament. “I found this weird Muggle thing and we're trying to figure out what it is.”

“Again?”

“Again.”

Kingsley laughed and then inspected the device. “Well it runs on electricity,” he observed, “and it's pink, so it must provide some sort of service to women.”

“Like what?” asked Sirius.

“Cooking and cleaning?”

“Negatory,” said Frank. “We already tried that.”

“Well, then… maybe it's for applying make-up?” There was a universal “ah” of understanding from the other boys. Of course- what else could it be used for? Now the question was, what kind of make-up did it apply?

“Do any of you guys have some make-up?” asked Frank.

Sirius and James both turned to look at Peter. He at first looked clueless, but as the two boys continued to stare at him, he released a sigh of resignation and headed to the boys dormitory.

“Peter seriously has make-up?” said Frank, incredulous.

“Yeah, he likes to pretend like he doesn't,” replied Sirius.

“But we know for a fact that he uses it to cover his zits,” James explained.

Peter stumbled back down from the boys' dorm and reluctantly held out a plastic bag containing some liquid foundation, loose powder, as well some sponges, a powder brush, and oddly enough, some eyeshadow. “Really, Peter,” said James. “Eyeshadow?”

Peter mumbled something incomprehensible.

“What was that?” said Sirius.

“It…me…ty…sometimes”

“Out with it, man,” said Kingsley, playfully punching Peter in the shoulder.

“It makes me feel pretty sometimes,” Peter said very quietly. The other boys laughed very loudly.

When they had recovered themselves (Peter looked like we was going to wet his pants from embarrassment), they set to work trying to figure out this new use for the mysterious device. Naturally, they chose Peter to be their guinea pig.

Sirius inspected the contents of Peter's bag and then picked up the Muggle device. “So it must be this liquidy stuff-”

“Foundation,” quipped Peter.

“ - and it must go on this pink thing. Maybe once it starts vibrating, it makes the make-up go on better?” Sirius applied some of the foundation onto the pink thing and then turned the device on.

“This feels weird,” remarked Peter as his friend began applying the make-up to his face.

When he was done, Sirius stepped back to inspect his work. “It doesn't look right,” observed James.

“Isn't it not finished yet?” said Kingsley. He pulled the powder from the bag and continued, “Don't girls put this stuff -”

“Powder,” inserted Peter.

“Yeah, powder. Don't they put this stuff on too?” The boys all nodded in agreement, so Sirius grabbed the powder and the brush and put it on Peter.

“It still looks lumpy,” Frank replied.

“Let me see,” said Peter. “Someone give me a mirror.” This time, James stared at Sirius who reluctantly produced a compact mirror from his back pocket.

“I like to check my hair,” he muttered as he handed it to Peter.

“This is awful!” shrieked Peter in response to his refection.

“Well you should know,” said Sirius. “You're the one that wears make-up.”

“So why did you put it on me?”

“I dunno - good question.”

At that moment, who should enter the common room but Remus Lupin. “What are you guys doing?” he asked, approaching the group. “The lot of you together can never be a good thing.”

“We found a Muggle thing,” James informed him.

“Again?”

“Again.”

“Well what is it this time?” Sirius, was still holding the device, offered it to Remus.

“Do you know what it is?” he asked.

Remus didn't take the device, but peered curiously at the object in his friend's hands. “Where, pray tell, did you guys happen to find this?” he asked.

“I found it laying outside of the girl's restroom,” Frank answered.

“And we're pretty sure that it's not for cleaning,” said James.

“Or cooking,” said Sirius.

“And definitely not make-up,” said Peter, who was still peering disgustedly at his reflection in the mirror.

Remus dropped his face into his palm, as if trying to compose himself. After a moment, he looked up and replied, “Let's just say that it's a… personal massager.” With that, Remus left for the boys' dorm.

Well this made a lot more sense to the others than the ideas that they had come up with. “Actually,” said Sirius, “That would probably feel kind of good.”

“Only not,” said James, looking a little disgusted, “since Peter has licked it. Multiple times.”

“Oh… yeah.”

“Well I have no problems with it,” said Peter cheerfully. He took the device from Sirius and proceeded to massage his arm with it.

As Peter began to tell the boys how good the, ahem, massager felt, in walked Lily Evans and Alice Prewett. The two of them had been discussing the latest exploits of Holly the Whore (of Gryffindor), but their conversation trailed off when they spied the group occupying the middle of the common room. “Alice, is that…?” asked Lily, as Alice turned a rather interesting shade of puce.

Lily began giggling uncontrollably as her friend snatched the Muggle contraption from Peter and dashed up the stairs to the girls' dormitory.

“What's so funny, Evans?” asked James, running a hand through his hair and trying to sound suave.

Lily stopped giggling as it dawned on her that she was going to have to explain what exactly the device was. “Well,” she said slowly, “what do you think it was?”

“According to Remus,” said Peter, “it's a personal massager.”

Lily let out a laugh. “Well it is, sort of…” She suddenly started blushing. “Um,” she said, “do you guys know how girls, uh, pleasure themselves?”

“What, chocolate?” said Peter.

“No, you idiot,” snapped Sirius. “She means masturbation, right?”

“Er, yeah,” Lily replied. “Well do you guys know how girls, er, uh, masturbate?”

“Don't they…” started Sirius, the more sexually experienced of the group, but he trailed off has what Lily meant hit him. “Oh, so that thing was for, uh, down there,” he said, gesturing towards his nether regions.

“Uh huh,” said Lily, her face now the color of her hair.

“What are you guys talking about?” asked Frank, because he and the others were completely in the dark. With an exasperated sigh, Sirius put his arms around his friends and pulled them into a huddle facing away from Lily. In a hurried whisper, he explained what they were talking about. When he was finished, Lily wasn't the only one blushing violently.

“And, P-Peter licked it,” said Frank, horrorstruck.

“Wait - Peter did what?” asked Lily incredulously.

“Whoa, hold on a second,” said Kingsley. “Isn't Alice pureblood? How did she even get this, this… thing?”

“Oh,” said Lily, laughing again. “I gave it to her last year as a gag gift for her, uh, birth… day…” She trailed off as it dawned upon her what she had said. She, Lily Evans, had just admitted to buying a sex toy. “Um, see you guys later,” she said as she headed to the girls' dorm after Alice.

“Wait, what just happened,” said James, a little perplexed.

“What just happened,” said Sirius as he threw an arm around his friend's shoulders, “is that we now know that our Little Miss Goody-Two-Shoes Evans is, in fact, aware of sex. There may just be hope for you yet, Prongsy.”

“But didn't we know she was aware back when we found that meat holder thingy?” asked Peter, confused.

“Ah, but now sex toys are involved,” explained Sirius, “which changes the situation from a matter of being aware of sex, to being aware of sex, which believe me, is a whole other matter entirely.”

“Oh,” said Peter, still very much confused.

AN- Yes, I am aware that electricity doesn't work at Hogwarts, but it does for this particular ficlit. Anyway, I'm thinking of making a little series of this type of story - I think that I'll call it the “Muggle Confusion” series, for surely there must be other Muggle things out there for the Marauders to puzzle over? Suggestions for things for the boys to find would be great. ^_^

-->