A Sirius Story

Asparagus

Rating: PG
Genres: Humor
Relationships: Lily & James
Book: Lily & James, Books 1 - 4
Published: 09/07/2009
Last Updated: 09/07/2009
Status: in_progress

I don't know where this came from... out of left field, I suppose. Oh, young love...

Chapters

1. Arrogant Piece of Bat Droppings

1. Arrogant Piece of Bat Droppings

"She called you a toerag," I said, jokingly.

"Shut up Padfoot," he muttered angrily.

"Well, she did!"

"I said SHUT UP!"

He fidgeted with the snitch in his pocket. "Whatever you say, Prongsie."

"Don't call me that," he said irritably.

My tone was serious as I replied. "James, she is just a girl! What you feel for her is nothing compared to our friendship. We're the Marauders! Didn't we promise never to let some stupid girl come between us?"

"SHE'S NOT STUPID!" he shouted and stormed off angrily.

Moony approached me. "What was that all about?"

"I truly have no idea."

"Oh, ok." He said, looking skeptical. "Was it about Evans?"

"Yup."

"Thought so."

"I don't know what's gotten into him lately."

"It's called love, Padfoot."

"But he's only 15!"

"So are you, and you've `been in love' about 7…no…8 times since 3rd year."

"Well that's different," I said, knowing that he had me now.

"How?"

"I knew you would take his side," I said, desperate for a way out of this conversation.

"I think I'll go now," he said, sounding a little hurt.

"WAIT! MOONY! Wait up!" I ran to catch up with him. "I'm sorry, okay? I've been under a lot of stress, and now my best friend is changing right before my eyes. You have no idea how much stress I've been going through."

"Yeah, I think I do." He glanced up at the almost full moon, which had appeared only minutes before.

"Oh. Yeah. Never mind then."

"I think I'll go to bed. See ya."

I started toward the building, trying to keep up with my friend. I soon gave up, for he obviously didn't want to talk to me at that moment. I turned around and walked to the tree where we had sat before. The grass was cold and wet, from the morning showers, and soon my robes were damp from sitting for so long. I turned toward the lake and saw the girls getting up to leave. The grounds were almost deserted, and I decided to get up and head to the castle.

***

The next day we had the Divination O.W.L. The questions were easy; they were all about the method, and what certain things meant. The practical part would've been easy if the old Cassie Vablastky, author of Unfogging the Future, (the biggest crap I've ever read) hadn't insisted that she examine all the students separately. It took about 4 hours. She called us up randomly, so we had to be on our toes. When I heard her `mystical voice' call "Sirius Black," I leapt up to my feet and ran to the ladder, looking forward to getting this over with. When I approached I saw Lily walking slowly down the ladder, looking rather pale and a little queasy.

"What's wrong, Evans?" I heard my best friend's voice say.

Lily's expression changed at once. "Nothing, you arrogant piece of bat droppings."

Many surrounding students broke into laughter, me being one of them, but I was too far up the ladder for James to see.

Soon the familiar smell of smoke and perfume reached my nose. I gagged at once. "I see why Lily looked like she was about to throw up," I thought.

Sitting down across from the old bat, I saw that she had already laid out a cup of tea and a crystal ball. "Hello, Mr. Black. We shall start this exam with the crystal ball. If you do not see anything, we shall come back to it. You cannot rush the inner eye…" The exam continued in this tedious and boring fashion, and at one point I almost had her convinced that I saw her dying in the crystal ball.

When I came back I gave Remus and Peter some useful advice, and headed back to the common room. It was empty except for a bunch of 6th year boys playing Gobstones, Lily, and a couple of her friends. I sat down near the fire in a big red armchair to eavesdrop on Lily's conversation.

"She predicted WHAT?!" asked Lily's friend Alice.

"Shhh! Keep your voice down, I don't want anyone to know." Lily said in a loud whisper.

"Don't believe it. She predicts my death once a week, I'm still alive." Said a redhead girl, whose name was Molly.

"This was different," Lily explained, "Her eyes rolled up into her head and her mouth was wide open. Her whole body was shaking. She spoke in a loud booming voice, and then denied what she said. At that moment a pale girl with blonde hair entered the common room.

"Sibyll! Over here!" Alice beckoned for the pale girl to join them. "You'll never believe what happened to Lily!"

"What? Sirius asked her out?" Sibyll asked curiously.

"If only," Lily sighed. I blushed. "Why does he have to hang around with that arrogant toerag anyway?"

"I dunno…" Molly answered, "Tell Sibyll about the prediction."

Sibyll's eyes lit up. "What prediction?"

Lily sighed and began her story. "I was looking into the crystal ball for my O.W.L. Exam, and suddenly, Vablatsky went rigid and spoke in this deep booming voice. She said something like, `James and Lily. Destined for each other, they will give birth to the Boy Who Lived.' She didn't say exactly that but I got the gist of it."

Sibyll stared wide-eyed at Lily for a couple seconds, and then they were interrupted as a loud pair of boys came into the common room. I stood up and walked over to them. "James…I'm sorry," I said awkwardly.

"So am I, Sirius," James said.

"What a relief," Remus muttered.

I rolled my eyes. "Well then Prongs, why don't we head up to the dorm? There is something I need to tell you."

We entered the boy's dormitory, and gathered on James's bed. I explained what I had heard, excluding the part about Lily wanting me to ask her out. James was grinning like a maniac. Remus, whose instincts were at their highest because of the upcoming full moon. "Sirius, is there something you aren't telling us?" he said quietly.

"Er…" I said, going red, "Well…I also heard Lily saying she wishes I would ask her out." I couldn't look at James's face, but I could tell that he wasn't smiling anymore. "I'm sorry Prongs…" As soon as those words escaped my lips I heard the creaking of the bed, footsteps on the soft carpet and the slamming of the door. I got up off the bed and hit my head on the wall repeatedly.

"Padfoot, its not your fault," Remus said.

"I know," I muttered quietly between bangs.

"You need to stop blaming yourself for everything," he whispered.

I heard another door slam and looked up, hoping to see my best friend. It was only Wormtail. "Anyone up for a game of Gobstones?" he said in his squeaky, high-pitched voice.

"No," was the answer, and Remus and I said it in unison.

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Back then, me and James had a lot of petty fights. It was the stress of the O.W.L.s combined with the fact that we were all growing up, and all four of us were just hitting puberty. Remus started spending more time alone, Peter started yelling and screaming and starting fights, James took out all his rage on Snape, and I set a goal to date every girl in our year by the time we graduate. And the thing was, we almost always made up the next morning.

"Sorry," he muttered as we sat down for breakfast the next morning. "It wasn't your fault."

Told you so. I grinned my trademark grin, conveiently lopsided. "Yes, it is."

He looked at me and arched one eyebrow. "How is it your fault?"

"If I weren't so charming, smart, and handsome, Lily wouldn't like me," I joked. Yes, I was really arrogant back then.

Moony rolled his eyes and bit into a piece of cinnamon toast.

"Lily likes you?" said a high-pitched voice. I groaned. "No, Bertha, I was being sarcastic," I said in a tone that clearly said "Duh."

"Oh, you're right. Why would she like you? I mean, hello! She got over you yesterday when she saw you abusing that Snap kid. And she got over James in third year when she realized he didn't even realize she existed. That crush lasted 3 years! I'm glad it ended, it got really annoying. Always James this and James that. She likes Remus now." Remus blushed, and Peter squeaked, "His name is Snape."

"Whatever. Bye James," she said sweetly, and got up to leave the great hall. "Oh, yeah, one more thing. Give up James, she hates you." She left, her nose high up in the air.

"I hate that girl." Remus muttered loudly.

"Who doesn't?" I added.

James was staring at his plate. "She liked me for three years?"

"Yup," Said Moony. "You were just too preoccupied with pranks to notice."

"Excuse me while I go bang my head against a wall over and over again," he said, his tone monotonous.

"Okay," I said cheerfully.

That night I had a terrible dream. I was back at home, and it was summer. My entire family was gathered, and they were talking in whispers. The few words I could hear were "Mudbloods," "Unworthy, and "shouldn't be taught." Then my mother saw me. "Sirius. Come over here and give us your views on

Muggleborns!" I obeyed silently. The whole room's eyes were focused on me. I cleared my throat and began.

"Muggleborns are people too, and its not their fault they were born into Muggle families. As a matter of fact, I'm dating one!" There was a gasp and a shriek, followed by people drawing their wands. I ran, as fast as I could, through the long dark hallways and the twisting paths, past shrieking ancestors and an insane house-elf. I reached the door, but it opened on its own. James and Lily were standing there, with Remus and Peter behind them. There was a green flash and James and Lily fell dead to the floor. Remus started chanting, "Your fault, your fault, your fault," and the family members behind me started laughing. "Serves the little Mudblood right," the house-elf said. Then I woke up.

"So you're finally awake," Remus said. "You were sleeping for hours. Its noon already." I opened my eyes and saw that James had a huge red mark on one side of his face.

"What happened to you?" I asked groggily.

"Nothing," he mumbled.

Remus rolled his eyes. "He tried to lift Lily on his broom and fly her off into the rising sun. As you can probably see, it didn't work." I laughed, then lifted myself up to my feet.

"What prank are we gonna pull today?" I asked, cheerfully.

"I think we should lay off Snape," James said. I almost fainted.

"LAY OFF SNAPE?! Are you okay, James?" Moony said very loudly.

"Well, we have been pulling at least three pranks on him per day," I reasoned, "Why don't we turn Lucius Malfoy's hair hot pink?"

"I'm tired," yawned James, "Let's do it tomorrow."

"Okay," I said, disappointed.

Moony was gazing at us with a dazed look on his face. I had to laugh. "What's so funny?" he asked, looking more and more confused.

"Oh, nothing," I muttered.

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When I came back to the common room after a long day of flying and pranking, James wasn't there. I was somewhat surprised, but not as surprised as I was when I ran into an invisible person while walking past Lily and her gang of friends.

"Shh!" I heard.

"James?" I shouted, receiving odd looks from those around me.

"No! It's the tooth fairy!" he whispered harshly.

"Cool!" I whispered back. "Are you eavesdropping, Prongs?"

"Erm, no…" he lied.

"Whatever you say, Prongsie."

"Don't call me that."

"Okay, Prongsie." He kicked me. It hurt. "What the heck was that for?"

"I told you not to call me Prongsie." Now everyone was looking at us, or rather, me. Lily stood up, and walked out.

"Now look what you've done!" he whispered.

"Not my fault," I said as I shrugged off his accusation. "I'm going to go unleash my wrath on the Slytherins. Wanna come?"

"Right. I'll go get Remus." Back then, turning first year's hair strange colors was the only thing that could take James out of one of his moods. Remus only came along to help us think of the strangest colors possible. Peter just sat there and ate.

"I say we use red and gold on all of the Slytherins."

"Again?"

"Why not? We know they hate it."

"It's so boring though. I say pink."

"Yay!"

It was amazing, how as soon as there was any sign of unnatural hair color, we had detention for a week. It was actually kind of funny, now that I look back on it. Especially when we got in trouble for turning Lily's hair red, even though that was its natural color.

Later that day we had our Transfiguration O.W.L. It was easy, not that I expected it to be hard, of course. We had to transfigure a goldfish into a small dog. Mine was still sort of orange-ish. James' was perfect, or course. Remus' was even more orange than mine, and rather wolfish too. Peter's had gills. The other part was easy too. Just questions on certain incantations and such.

As soon as I got out of that exam room, I spread my arms and started shouting gibberish, receiving exactly the looks I wanted to get. Prongs elbowed me.

"What?" I asked.

"I dunno."

"Typical Prongsie, Typical."

"Don't make me hurt you."

"You need a sense of humour, Prongsie."

"I have one." He kicked me.

"OW!" I screamed. It didn't hurt that much, but hey, what can I say? We were idiots.

"Sirius." Remus said.

"What?"

"You're no longer a drama king. You are a drama queen."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

*Â Â Â *Â Â Â *

The days following were rather uneventful, though I was still heartbroken to get on the train home. No more pranks, werewolves, Marauders, Hogsmeade, or house elves that practically beg to do their job. I had house elves at home, of course, but they are all a tad bit bonkers. Well, no, they were all VERY odd, like the rest of my family. Pureblood this and pureblood that, precisely why I didn't want to leave Hogwarts.

The train ride was also quite uneventful. The only entertainment was watching James explain to all the first years who looked up to him how he got the big red mark on his cheek. (Of course, everyone knew how he really got it.)

As soon as I got off the train, my mother was there, sneering at me. "Have a good year?" she asked, her voice as if she was spreading treacle with ants on it. She watched Lily run to her family.

"Fine, mother," I replied, my voice like poisoned honey.

"Good. You didn't associate with any Mud- I mean, Muggleborns in that blood traitor house of yours?"

"No, mother," I answered, sarcastically, "I just isolated myself in a little corner until I had the chance to mingle with those filthy Slytherins." She slapped me, but only after making sure no one was looking. She grabbed my by the ear and dragged me out of there.

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The rest of my summer was spent at Potter's house. I slept there every other night.

Of course, no one who lived there realized that. Oh well. They had food.

Oh well. They had food. Easily accessed food. Didn't have to go through any bloody house elves just to get a bloody glass of water with a bloody lemon.

There water was already set out next to a bowl of lemons. They had good house elves.

And then there were the pranks. You couldn't do any bloody pranks at my bloody house, cause the bloody portraits would tell on you. Then my bloody mother would start to scream bloody murder. Everything was bloody at my house.

One night Peter came over. He left wearing a tutu and singing 'I Feel Pretty' and pranced up and down James' street, then came back with a headache similar to a hangover, and thought we had spiked his water with lemon that was already set out by the bloody house elves. We did, of course, but that's beside the point.

Then another night Remus came over. He had to wear an evening gown and tap dance through the park singing 'Puttin on the Ritz'. We spiked his milk. He didn't like water with lemon. Some people are so bloody picky.

And THEN Alice came over. Her parents didn't want her to stay home alone or something like that. She never heard the end of that. She liked her water with mint, so we spiked that. Spiking things is bloody fun. So she sang 'If I Only had A Brain' and stuffed her clothes with straw, which just happened to be located by the mailbox.

Later in the summer James figured out that he could use his owl to figure out Lily's address. He did. I hid in the bushes while he rang the doorbell. A rather ugly, horsefaced girl who seemed our age answered.

She seemed a bit flustered when she realized how hot James was. Erm..not that I think about that stuff…

"You must be the beautiful Lily," he said, discreetly winking at me.

"No, and why are you winking at that bush?"

"Um…I have eye..erm…spasms."

Utter silence. "FREAK!" the horse lady called after a few seconds.

"PETUNIA, GET THOSE FREAKS OUT OF THE HOUSE! I'M NOT EVEN DRESSED YET!" screamed Lily.

"That's okay, Lils!" yelled James, making a complete fool of himself.

Horse lady slammed the door on him. That was uncalled for. Really.