Finding Everything

granger_danger

Rating: PG13
Genres: Angst, Romance
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 7
Published: 10/11/2009
Last Updated: 09/08/2011
Status: in_progress

They won the war, but what did they lose? Harry finally realizes the meaning of Voldemort's promise. Picks up after DH and the Epilogue. Mention of H/G, briefly R/Hr and R/L. Canon compliant.

Chapters

1. untitled

2. untitled

3. untitled

1. untitled

I know I’m supposed to be working on “How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Sprog”, but I cannot get this out of my mind. OotP to me held the definitive explanation for the way this series turned out and this particular story has just not gone away since I realized it. This picks up at the Epilogue, so there is H/G but bear with me because I can only deconstruct JKR’s mess by using her own words. I hope that makes sense to you eventually in this story. Rest assured H/Hr WILL prevail, even though it may not seem like it at times.

As always JKR owns all of this. If I owned it, we wouldn’t need to be pointing out the atrocious error of her ways. I own only this idea. Please Read and Review!

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He watched sadly, hand still held in the air as the Hogwarts Express turned the corner and faded from sight. Albus had hung out of the window waving frantically to his father until the last possible moment. When he was certain he could no longer be seen by his son, he dropped his hand with a pang in his heart and felt a warm hand slip into it immediately.

“He’ll be fine.”

Ginny’s voice was a little louder than was probably necessary. He turned to her quickly ready to voice his certainty of that fact, but his eyes landed immediately instead on a man leaning against the barricade to his left. He knew his identity straight away, even though he was trying to look as inconspicuous as possible, and his insides began to boil.

His posture stiffened quickly as he eyeballed the man angrily and turned roughly on the spot. “Come on, let’s go.”

Ginny’s eyes followed his easily, landed upon the man in the corner and widened. “Is that a reporter?”

Harry merely grunted in response and reached for his little girl’s hand. The sooner they found Ron and Hermione and left, the better. He hated the way these reporters, even after all of these years, still found it necessary to cover every single detail of his life. Even his youngest son’s first day at Hogwarts it seemed.

Ginny stalled for a moment, staring at the man intently before glancing back towards her retreating husband. With widened eyes, she quickened her pace and angrily whispered, “Wait!” to his back. Harry seemed to snap out of his focused trance and turned so abruptly that Ginny almost collided into him. She drew herself to her full height and gave him a look that most certainly said she couldn’t believe he not only didn’t realize she hadn’t been right beside him, but that he couldn’t possibly have thought to do it at a worse time.

“Sorry,” was all he mumbled before craning his head back towards the crowd. “Where’re Hermione and Ron?”

A slight frown continued to tug at Ginny’s features as she gently took Lily’s hand in her own. “I don’t know. They were right beside us before you decided to go barreling through the station.”

“I was not barreling, I was just…” he stopped short and sighed, deciding instead to train his eyes on the crowd bustling past them now. He was certain they had just been standing there.

“Oi, you lot!”

Harry’s head craned towards the sound of Ron’s voice and suddenly easily recognized his tall lanky frame above most of the others around him. Hugo and Rose were both now on their way to Hogwarts, and he was certain that both he and Hermione would want to probably grab a bite to eat and reminisce or at the very least, wallow together.

“There’s my girl!” Ron bustled up to the trio easily, bending to scoop a laughing Lily onto his shoulders as he pulled alongside them. “I hate how crazy it gets in here sometimes.”

Harry eyed him for five seconds before turning his eyes directly back towards the sea of parents and family walking past. Ginny tugged on Lily’s shoe with a smile on her face as she and Ron began to follow the crowd. Harry took two backwards steps before halting in confusion. “Where’s Hermione?”

The top of Ron’s head flashed around Lily’s small blue jeaned leg before he continued his forward march. Ginny’s pace quickened.

“Left already, mate. Apparated out after the train left. Said she had a meeting, I think? I can’t remember.” Harry was slightly pushed forward by the crowd and he turned hastily to catch up to the three in front of him.

“Already left? I mean…”

Ginny was digging inside her opened purse and didn’t bother looking up with her reply. “How’s Luna, Ron? I didn’t see her here today.”

Lily gave a whoop of laughter as Ron ducked her beneath a hanging sign. He chuckled lowly before turning sideways to his younger sibling. “She wanted to come see off Hugo and Rosie, but had a deadline to meet. She said goodbye to them this morning, though.”

“When are you two coming round for dinner, anyway?”

Harry suddenly felt his insides squirm as if something slimy was trying to make its way towards his throat and tugged at the collar of his shirt timidly. He hated those moments when he was so blatantly confronted with his two best friend’s separation. He had always hated being in the middle of their fights in school, and being on the slacking end of their divorce wasn’t any better. They both seemed happier, he supposed, but he wasn’t exactly privy to most of their lives anymore and that fact bothered him in a way he couldn’t describe. Take for example today – apparating out after barely muttering a hello to him? It was further proof that Hermione was more elusive and distant from him than she had ever been.

The thought gave him a distinctive nauseous feeling, as if he was about to lose a lunch he hadn’t even eaten. And even though his best friend, daughter and wife were beside him, he felt an incompleteness that had nothing to do with his sons leaving for school.

He took one last look around the crowd and felt himself almost willing a head of brown to pop into his vision. A sigh escaped his lips as they reached the barrier and he watched Ron and Lily maneuver through it easily. Ginny didn’t even look back as she grabbed his arm tightly and tugged him through with her.

“So,” Ron beamed as he lifted a giggling Lily from his shoulders and placed her gingerly on the ground. “We grabbing a bite, then?”

“Huh?” Harry’s brow scrunched in confusion as he stared at the two adults staring back at him. Ron smiled at him in understanding and clapped him on the shoulder.

“He’ll be great, mate. He’s got James and Hugo and Rosie to look out for him, and you know they’re gonna get into just as much trouble as we did in school.”

Harry felt the tiny grin tug at the corner of his lips as he gripped Lily’s hand once more and began the slow trek towards the turnstiles. “A little less, I hope. No trolls or basilisks or…”

“Murderous egomaniacs?” Ron chuckled.

Ginny merely frowned.

“You know what, Ron? I’ve actually got some work to do at home. I should probably take a rain check on lunch.” Ron’s face fell momentarily before he shrugged and eased his way into the sunlight outside of the station.

“But, you and Luna will come round for dinner tonight, yeah? We’d love to have you both, right Harry?” Ginny’s voice was even, but Harry could hear the small probing tone as she griped his arm and snuggled into it. Her slightly widened eyes, when he looked at her, left no room for doubt.

“Of course. Round 7, then?”

Ron smiled widely. “I’ll have to ask the Missus.” He paused only briefly to lean down eye level with Lily and leaned conspiratorially in. “And I might just bring along some things from the shop for say… a hug?”

The small dark haired girl squealed in delight and threw her little arms around her uncle’s neck. He winked at Harry as he stood, fished his keys from his jacket pocket and started towards the separate end of the parking lot. “Look out everyone, non-qualified driver coming through.”

Ginny laughed lightly as Harry tugged his own keys from his jacket and rounded the driver’s side of the dark SUV. He heard Ginny’s sigh as he opened the car door and began maneuvering the mess his eldest children had left in the back seat. Lily climbed eagerly in and began pulling her own toys from the pile as if terrified Harry was going to include them in the move to the hatch. Harry turned smiling green eyes towards his baby girl and leaned forward. “Let’s not forget to buckle up, now.”

“I know, Daddy.” He could hear the exasperated eye roll in her voice as she fastened the belt around her waist and couldn’t suppress the grin that spilled across his features.

“Well, then. I’ll just leave you to it.”

Popping the back door closed, he slid into the driver seat quickly and watched from the corner of his eye as Ginny mirrored his actions. His own belt tugged firmly around his waist, he leaned forward to turn the ignition as Ginny tossed a glance between the seats. “Lily, I want you to pick those toys up.”

The engine roared to life as he pulled easily out of his spot, and reached for his visor to block the sun’s rays from his eyes.

“What did I tell you before? If you leave those just lying about anywhere…” her voice dropped slightly as she pointed a finger back towards the girl, emphasizing every word. “You will lose everything.”

Harry’s hand froze mid tug of the visor, his mind suddenly decades away on the floor of a demolished Ministry and something indescribable seemed to meld into place in his gut. Suddenly, simultaneously confusing images danced in his vision of red laughing eyes and Hermione’s concerned face.

“Harry?”

He shook his head quickly and spun to face the red head beside him. “What?”

Ginny’s brow creased heavily as she stared at him and then pointed out the windshield. “The line’s gone.”

He huffed a sigh, the fleeting thought so important a moment before now seemingly gone. With a final tug of the visor into place, he gripped the steering wheel tightly with both hands and nodded.

“Right.”

With a final glance at his smiling daughter in the rear view mirror, Harry Potter sighed, pulled onto the lane and began the long trek home. Ginny’s eyes remained trained on his hardened face for a moment’s time before turning to gaze out of the passenger side window with a frown.

2. untitled

Sorry for the delay, but RL does indeed kick one’s arse sometimes, doesn’t it? Suffice it to say that the past bit’s been a bit rough. Anyway, this has been written for a while and I’m just tweaking. I’ve already got the majority of this played out in my head, so hopefully it won’t be that long on updating.

Yes, it’s short. Bear with me, please.

R/R please. I enjoy the pushing to continue.

Most importantly, everyone’s favorite know-it all will be making an appearance shortly. I can’t go very long without her presence in any of my stories.

As always, JK owns it all and thus can screw it up any way she wants, I suppose.

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He couldn’t shake it.

It wasn’t a terribly overwhelming feeling.

More of a constant squirming in his gut since leaving the station, but the one thing that he’d always been able to count on was his gut instinct. He had followed it recklessly throughout his youth, sometimes against his better judgment and it had almost always served him well.

And this time he couldn’t shake it and that unnerved him.

“I didn’t appreciate being left behind today.”

A deep sigh filled his lungs at the words behind him and he paused for a brief look at his daughter before pushing the front door open. They had always agreed to never speak angrily in front of the children.

He tossed Ginny a look over his shoulder reminding her of that fact before turning to his daughter. “Why don’t you go get started working on that letter to Al, yeah?” Green eyes lit up as Lily took off towards the staircase without another word.

Another sigh left him as Ginny brushed past roughly already tearing the jacket from her arms as she moved towards the mahogany coat rack in the corner. He knew she was angry, could feel it from the cold way she had behaved in the car, the look she had given him to invite Ron and Luna over. He knew she had been mad but it seemed she was always mad these days and honestly, he wasn’t in the mood to deal with it right now. He had more important things to think about.

His voice was even as he turned his back to her and began to mimic her actions, sliding the jacket down his arms. “I didn’t leave you behind. I was merely walking. I didn’t even…”

“Please! You seemed like you couldn’t wait to get out of there, with or without me.”

He heard her jacket slam onto the coat rack, the angry scoff from her lips and then her quickened steps on the tile towards the kitchen.

Tossing his jacket onto the rack, he drug one hand across his forehead in exasperation before bending to untie his shoe. He would not take the bait in this argument.

He would not follow her.

“I would appreciate it if you’d let me speak.”

Silence reigned as he raised an eyebrow in anticipation and convinced him that she was indeed doing just that.

He moved to the second shoe.

“You’re right. I couldn’t wait to get out of there. I don’t much like the idea of reporters hanging around trying to get an emotional shot on a day like today. They had no business being there, Ginny and I wanted to leave as soon as possible. I won’t apologize for merely trying to leave with my daughter.”

He had leaned forward to place his shoes by the side table when the kitchen door swung open with a bang.

“OUR daughter.”

He raised green eyes to her angry trembling form and slowly straightened to his full height.

“What are you on about?”

“You said ‘my daughter’. Need I remind you that I’m just as large a part of this family as you are? Much more so than my brother or Hermione, who you seemed woefully determined not to leave by the way.”

“Ginny, I’m not doing this again.”

He could feel the anger beginning to build inside him, the tension headache starting to spread across his forehead and he tugged the top button of his shirt loose and pushed past her into the kitchen.

He needed a glass of water.

He heard the door swing shut behind her, heard her tiny footsteps on the floor as she followed him angrily towards the tap. He knew there was a filtered pitcher of water that she insisted they use in the refrigerator, but didn’t dare reach for it. For some reason, his liked that his using of the tap had always irked her.

It was a very tiny retainment of his individuality, he knew, but he refused to relinquish it.

She took an angry breath as he filled a glass and shut the tap off. Crossing her arms, she spat a breathy, “No?”

He swung so quickly that he was surprised he didn’t slosh all of the water from his glass onto the floor. “No, I’m not. This argument is ridiculous. I didn’t leave you. I didn’t stop to look for anyone before you. I was merely trying to leave with our daughter before that slimy git snapped Merlin knows how many more shots of us. To be perfectly honest, I can’t believe you’d expect me to apologize for that.”

He brought the glass to his lips, leaned into the counter behind him and took a long sip. Ginny’s eyes flashed and he knew that she knew his petty action was intentional. With a disbelieving scoff, the red head shook her head and started towards the door.

“Don’t worry, Harry. You didn’t do anything I didn’t expect of you anyway.”

The kitchen door slammed loudly into the opposite wall as Ginny shoved her way through. As it swung backwards with equal force, he suddenly realized that he hadn’t bothered to cast a silencing charm on the kitchen.

Just how much Lily had been able to hear from her bedroom upstairs?

As he watched the heavy wooden door swing, he sank tiredly into the counter, raked a hand through his hair, and suddenly felt older than he had in years.

The rest of the afternoon found the house engulfed in silence until Ron’s owl had arrived saying Luna was off early and that they’d be arriving around 7. Ginny had sprung into action then, albeit still not speaking to him. The house was cleaned and dinner started. He would have been completely satisfied, and knew Ron and Luna would have as well, with butterbeers and pizza.

Ginny, however, had planned an entire meal and declared that everything must be in order.

He had simply retreated to his study, shuffled into his leather desk chair with a couple of shots of firewhiskey, let his head fall onto the back rest and closed his eyes. Lily had bounded into his study later with Ginny in tow, declaring excitedly that she was going to stay with her Grammy tonight so she could see Amelie, Bill’s youngest daughter.

Due to sheer exhaustion, he hadn’t bothered to argue, instead kissing his daughter on the top of her head with a promise to floo later to say goodnight. She had hugged him tightly before Ginny had beckoned her towards his personal fireplace, grabbed a handful of powder and stared expressionlessly back at her husband as they disappeared into green flames.

Now, the entire scene seemed to have never happened.

Ginny was flawless, of course, having entered the room laughing with a drink in her hand. Soft music had filled their dining room and the smell of something delicious was coming from the kitchen. Ron had immediately perked up as they stepped through the fireplace.

“Wow, is Mum here?”

Ginny turned a curious glance towards him as she hung Luna’s jacket by her own in the corner with a flick of her wand. “Why on earth would Mum be here?”

He chuckled lightly, tossed his jacket onto the arm of Harry’s favorite lounge chair and shifted a heavy looking paper sack. “Smells like it.”

Harry grinned at his best friend as he tossed him a wink and smiled. Ron always was the first to call Ginny out on her tendency to overdo things. Mrs. Weasley had always been famous for her large meals, but with well over ten mouths to usually feed, it was well deserved. With just the four of them, Ginny’s extravagance was showing.

“So, where’s the munchkin? I’ve got her some great stuff here.”

Ron turned in a half circle, scanning the dining room and craning his head around the corner to peer towards the staircase.

Ginny’s voice floated through from the kitchen and Harry could practically see the dismissive wave of her hand as she spoke. “Oh, she’s with Mum tonight, Ron. I took her there earlier to play with Amelie. It’s just as well; you know how I hate when you give her all those things to prank people with. Now that her brothers are gone, who do you think will be on the receiving end of it?”

Harry watched his best mate’s face fall slightly for the tiniest of moments before he glanced at Luna and turned back with a smile.

“Well, no harm, yeah? We’re going there later anyway, so I’ll just surprise her then.” The moment was over in an instant with Ron dropping the bag next to his jacket and rubbing his hands together excitedly.

“Where’s the grub, then?”

Luna’s tinkling laughter filled his ears, yet something about the disappointed frown of his best friend nagged at his mind. He wasn’t entirely sure where all of these instances of niggling reminiscence were coming from or why they suddenly insisted on tugging incessantly at his conscience. With a deep sigh, he pushed himself off of the doorframe he had been leaning against and scrubbed a hand through the hair on the back of his head.

The thought that Hermione would have probably had the answer did not escape him and he suddenly felt an unexplained guilt creep into his gut. What had happened to them, anyway? His earlier headache was threatening to return and he pushed his glasses up to pinch the bridge of his nose. When they dropped back into place Luna’s round eyes were peering at him from the doorway. With a start, Harry gave a tiny smile.

“Something the matter, Harry?”

He paused for a moment listening to Ron’s laughter and Ginny’s slightly annoyed voice as he tried to steal some bit of food. When blue eyes met green once more, his smile was a bit more real. “Wrackspurts, I suppose, Luna.”

The blonde’s face lit up immediately and Harry felt his chest constrict in warmth as she stepped back and linked her arm with his. “It’s a good thing I carry some asperadalia. It’s the only thing that will keep them at bay.”

He was suddenly overwhelmed with gratitude for the blonde and felt his throat tighten as he pulled her close in a half hug. Luna beamed at him and leaned so heavily into his frame that his breath caught with the happiness he knew Ron had found in her. Her eyes were shining as he smiled down at her and pushed open the kitchen door to Ron’s teasing voice.

“Oi, leave you alone for five minutes and you’re making a move.”

Harry could feel Luna’s laughter against his side yet when he turned towards her, her eyes were filled with such tenderness he felt almost guilty witnessing it. With a final squeeze of her shoulder, he released her towards Ron’s tall frame against the island counter. The red head immediately slid his arm around her waist and offered a treacle tart to her awaiting mouth. Crossing his arms, Harry leaned into the counter to his left and smiled. Normally he’d have already began teasing Ron, but there was something about this moment of oblivious happiness that he couldn’t bring himself to interrupt. He felt a contented sigh escape his lips and turned his gaze to Ginny who rolled her eyes happily and shook her head. He expected the same infectious feeling to spread and yet when their eyes met, he felt the tiniest tug of cold sadness slip into his smile.

It faltered for only a moment before he plastered it back into place, pushed himself off the counter and took his place beside his laughing wife.

3. untitled

Title: Finding Everything

AN: This has been a long time in the making, and honestly, I’m trying to get my feet back under me with writing it. I can’t get this story out of my head, so I’m pushing to get it up and running again. Thank you to everyone who has read it and stuck around and asked for updates. Here’s the next part. It’s short and will be revised very shortly, but I wanted to get it out there before I headed out today. Let me know your thoughts and I hope you enjoy!

Disclaimer: JK owns all of it, I don’t. But, I can try to fix it!

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The lights in her office startled her as she stepped through the small frame. The sun was shining brightly outside, contrastingly to normal, and yet the artificial flickering seemed to tease at her senses as she unknotted her jacket front and slid it from her shoulders.

With a soft swish of fabric, she dropped it onto the hook by the door and moved thoughtlessly towards the side of her desk. The bag in her hand slipped easily into its normal place, right side of the table, carefully shuffled underneath by her foot as she continued on.

She had been completely aware that today would affect her, she was merely unsure of how. Her children were both on their way to Hogwarts now and as she gripped the back of her soft chair and tugged, she felt the sigh begin on her lips. She ached for them already, but it was the added pain of another that had so thoroughly brought about her current state.

The chair legs dragged the carpet with the tiniest of sounds as she eased her way into the seat, and she immediately took notice of her body involuntarily relaxing some of its tenseness into the cushion. A small saddened smile etched on one side of her lips as she shook her head.

He hadn’t even said hello to her.

After everything they had been through together, everything that she had done for him and it had came to here. Some part of her always assumed Harry was different and that their relationship was never merely circumstantial. Then again, was she really surprised? He had never taken notice of her– not in the way he noticed other girls.

Girls who didn’t know him.

Girls who didn’t love him completely.

She had always been the outcast, too smart, too ambitious in her studies for anyone to take notice of her as an actual girl. The funny thing was, she had always pushed herself so hard to be smart, to prove she was capable in order to get people to like her. To take notice of her.

It somehow had always backfired. She had thought it’d be different with them, but it wasn’t really was it? They had teased her and taunted her – Ron really, but Harry had gone along until the night they saved her life and the trio had been born.

She could feel tension mounting behind her eyes and with a tired sigh, she pinched the bridge of her nose, massaging slowly in the hopes of relieving some of the ache. Funny how often she found herself trying to do that these days.

And why did she seem to be coming back to this place of reminiscent depression lately? Dragging up old thoughts and insecurities whenever she happened to be in his presence or Ginny’s for that matter? Honestly, she had begun finding reasons to avoid prolonged exposure long ago. Being around their happiness just reminded her how utterly she had failed. Now that the children were off to Hogwarts, the necessities for combined functions would be less, and even though she felt a pang of guilt over the small celebration of her children’s departure for that reason, she knew it was somehow emotionally necessary for her. Because what purpose could it serve to find herself here almost every time a meeting occurred?

They were once closer than two people could be, weren’t they? So then why did it feel that over the years, she seemed to be trying desperately to get his attention? She was who she was and she was proud of that.

It was one thing her parents had always instilled in her.

For an aching moment, she felt her chest constrict at the thought of them. War was a terrible thing. It caused terrible choices to be made and she, without hesitation, had sent them away. She had always said it was for their protection and that was true. The parents of Harry Potter’s greatest ally were certainly in immense danger once fully fledged war had broken out. Without her there to protect them and without the Order stepping up to help in any way, she had made her decision.

For the life of her though, and she would admit this to no one but herself, she wasn’t entirely sure for whom she had done it.

Another sigh dragged its way out of her chest and she scanned the desktop absently. Brown eyes landed upon the empty glass in the top right center and with a lazy flick of her wand, it filled with water before her eyes. She felt the same tiny twinge of awe she had felt when she was 11 at the physical proof of magic and then pushed it down. She had seen too much, done too many things to still be amazed at the simple spells she performed every day.

The water felt icy as it slid across her tongue and with a slow glance around her tidy office, she held it there, relishing in the sensation. It was concrete, tangible. Better than the emotional torment she was intent apparently upon putting herself through.

She didn’t remember when it started to click that it was never going to be good enough for him, and so she had decided it was always going to be good enough for her. She was the friend, the best friend sure, after Ron, his best mate, but she knew her place and she played it well. She was never the fun one, never the one he could just ditch things with. That wasn’t her.

She was the answer.

She was the brain.

She swallowed hard as the glass thudded softly against the wooden desk top and sighed once more.

Guilt spread like a hot fire in her stomach at the thought and she internally chastised herself. She knew she meant more to him than that, but somewhere within her, she couldn’t help but feel the gnawing ache of uncertainty. She had always felt their bond was incredibly strong, but was it possible that she was merely there because he needed someone to be? Someone who wouldn’t leave?

She inwardly scoffed at the idea.

Of course she wouldn’t have left, she would never have.

And that was the point, wasn’t it?

All of her knowledge, all of her loyalty, her honesty and determination had never allowed him to see her as anything more than a friend.

He never truly understood her, did he? And did Ron, her ex husband, father of her two children who had moved on happily and easily with Luna and was utterly devoted to her?

She often wondered, with so many people always questioning if she and Harry were romantically involved (a notion that he vehemently admonished to her injured heart), if Ron’s affection and attention was really ever about her at all. There were moments over the years when hell-bent upon calling up old insecurities to reconcile some sort of answer that she wondered if she was merely a prize the two men had decided between them what to do with.

Her mind raced back easily to the moment beside the pool that Harry later had briefly filled her in on and Ron had confessed years into their marriage. She had been so angered when each had individually told her of the proceedings – how Riddle had used her as a pawn between the two and how Harry had acquiesced easily to the notion that she had no feelings for him.

Handed her off to Ron without even thinking to ask her.

Not that either of them ever had.

She sighed and dropped her head into her hands, her fingertips roughly massaging the sides of her temples, elbows splayed across the hard top of her oak desk. She could hear the scrolls beneath her crinkling from the movement, reminding her in a not so gentle way that there was mounds of work to be done.

Her fingers slid slowly down her face, cupping around her nose, thumbs supporting the weight of her chin as she stared blankly at the proposals for legislation under her. She would have editing, research, meetings and hard fought campaigns on all of them, and here she was contemplating decades old questions of loyalty and love with a man whom she’d been married to for 15 year and a man she had loved since she could remember.

Again, a white hot guilt crept into her at the internal admission and she felt a weary tiredness settle over her. Perhaps she was merely sad now that the kids were gone and she was truly all alone for the first time since she could remember. Certainly that was more of the logical reasoning behind this foray into an emotional doldrums.

With a slow deep breath through her nose, she could feel the internal resolve she had honed over years of work slide into place. She wouldn’t give in to depressive thoughts, it served no purpose. Not when there was work to be done.

Dropping her hands with a small thud, she began shuffling through the documents lining the entirety of her desktop. She knew full well that her resolve could hold her intentions in place, but her mind would continue to work any problem, and so the internal tug of war that she was fully prepared for, continued.

No, there was certainly no time for dalliances into memories and what ifs. More important things were on the line now, and true to form she had always been one to shelve her own internal affairs for the greater good. Put herself second when there was a fight to be fought.

Besides, she had learned long ago that the only real way to keep the thoughts at bay; to keep the loneliness and fears and inadequacy that she had fought so hard against from rearing up was to keep working. It was what had always driven her to be one step ahead, read one book more, and to always have an answer handy. If she was constantly moving, who could ever get close enough to tear her down?

The quill in her hand swayed slightly for the merest of moments as chocolate eyes hovered unfocused upon the page. The name came to her so effortlessly that she sighed with the knowledge that it was always there waiting for her to acknowledge it, and she never fully would. Not only would she not give anyone the satisfaction of seeing her broken over something as miniscule as emotional attachment, she was determined to never allow herself to be that woman.

But, for all of that internal bravado, she was much too intelligent to not acknowledge that it was no longer outside forces she was running from. No matter how far she ran or how hard she pushed or how many laws she changed, she couldn’t run from her indelible truth. Someone had once slipped through her carefully laid defenses and had single handedly and contradictorily destroyed and upheld all of her insecurities.

He was still doing it, it seemed.

With considerable force, she sighed heavily and blinked her eyes back into focus.

This beginning of an emotional mess was unequivocally nonsensical. She wasn’t a woman who harbored long lost passions for individuals who never moved beyond their base needs of her. She was much too intelligent a witch for that, much too strong a woman. It was merely the emotional event of watching her children leave, of seeing how happy they all were and being reminded once again that she was on her own that had brought her to this place of reminiscence.

And there was no time for this place of reminiscence.

With resolve set into place, she dropped the tip of the quill into the dark inkwell to her left. Bringing it down determinedly, she signed her name with a flourish of hurried precision.

Hermione Granger had a job to do and nothing was going to impede upon the importance of that.

With a soft clearing of her throat, she shuffled the top parchment to the bin on the top left of her desk and turned her attention to the next piece of legislation awaiting her approval. Despite and perhaps because of this age old warring internal monologue, one thing was for certain: she was decisively resolute that Harry Potter would be the farthest thing from her mind.