Improper Usage of a Cucumber


Rating: PG13
Genres: Romance, Humor
Relationships: Draco & Ginny
Book: Draco & Ginny, Books 1 - 7
Published: 29/01/2010
Last Updated: 29/01/2010
Status: Completed

The students in Muggle Studies receive a demonstration of the improper usage of a cucumber. Written for a challenge on the DG Forum.

1. Improper Usage of a Cucumber

This is for Cadaverous Apples’ Challenge over on the DG Forum.

Guidelines or Requirements: Draco/Ginny, of course, and must include a misused piece of fruit or vegetable. Will most likely be humorous, but I'd like to see how someone could make such a prompt believably angsty.

Length: 300-900 words.

Rating: Any.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the Potter Universe.

“Bloody git,” Ginny screamed, grabbing the closest thing within her reach, a cucumber, and whacking her boyfriend. “You try and cheat on me with that whore. You’re bloody lucky I don’t have my wand.”

“Ms. Weasley,” Professor Mink snapped. “That is not the way Muggles use a cucumber.”

Colin sniggered. “No, but some of them don’t use it the proper way either.”

“Mr. Creevey, is there something else you would like to add to the discussion?” Professor Mink directed a stern gaze at Colin. “It seems you think you know more about this vegetable than I do.”

“I didn’t try and cheat on you,” Draco snapped. “Stop hitting me with that thing.”

“Oh, Drakie, don’t lie,” Pansy whined. “If she didn’t walk into your room last night, you said you would have loved to have me in your bed.”

“Ha,” Draco exclaimed, backing away from Ginny, his hands raised. “I would never use the word love.”

Ginny stopped stalking towards him, cocking an eyebrow. “You’ve never used the word love after I spent a night in your room?”

“Well, that’s a different scenario,” Draco said hesitantly. “Why would I want that cow, when I have you?”

“What do you mean spent a night in his room?” Ron, who had been enjoying watching his sister bash her boyfriend’s head in with a cucumber, jumped out of his seat. “You’ve been in your room every morning. I made sure of that.”

Ginny turned a heated gaze on Ron. “What do you mean you made sure of that?”

Ron flushed scarlet. “Nothing, I didn’t mean anything. You can go back to what you’re doing.”

“Are you spying on me?” An expression of astonishment and anger passed over Ginny’s face. When Ron didn’t answer, she repeated, “Are you spying on me?”

“I wouldn’t say spying,” Ron said warily.

“Is that why you and Harry are always lurking outside the girls’ showers in the morning?” asked Hermione in disgust. “I’m ashamed of you Harry. I expect something like this from Ron but not you, Harry.”

“I must insist you all take a seat,” Professor Mink shouted over the bickering. “Mr. Weasley’s and Mr. Potter’s actions are not being analyzed. And Ms. Weasley, I suggest you and Mr. Malfoy take up this conversation when class is over.”

Ginny swiveled around to face Draco, her attention now moving back to him. “Don’t think that Ron the pervert can distract me. What were you doing with Pansy last night?”

“I wasn’t doing anything with her,” Draco snapped. A cold mask appeared on his face. “I don’t know what it’s going to take for you to trust me. Sometimes, I believe that this relationship isn’t even worth it anymore. Your mistrust of myself and my actions are beginning to tire me.”

“Don’t you dare turn this on me,” Ginny snapped, waving her cucumber at him. “This isn’t about me.”

“Isn’t it?” Draco cocked an eyebrow. “Last week, you accused me of not wanting to meet you because I was snogging Daphne Greengrass, the slut of Slytherin. The week before, you said I was lying about writing my Potion’s essay because I didn’t want to be with you. Your insecurities are going to drive us apart.”

Ginny’s scowl faltered. “I—I’m sorry.”

“Something has to change, Ginevra,” Draco said, walking slowly towards her, his eyes watching the cucumber that hung loosely at her side. “I want you.”

Lavender sighed. “I wish Dean would say that to me.”

“How am I supposed to know, Draco? We’ve been dating for the entire year now. You are about to leave Hogwarts in a few weeks, and I don’t know where I stand with you,” Ginny murmured, her hand clenching around the cucumber.

“What is it that you need me to say?” Draco glowered at her. “What will let you know that you are the woman that I want?”

“Three words,” Pansy whispered. “That’s all we ever want, three words.”

Draco froze. “What?”

Ginny shook her head. “I don’t want to force you, Draco. But I need a boyfriend that isn’t afraid to let me in their heart. I can’t do this. I can’t stand on uneven ground with you anymore. Professor Mink, may I be excused?”

Professor Mink nodded. “I will allow you a few minutes in the ladies room.”

“Wait, Ginny,” Draco exclaimed, taking a deep breath. He lowered his voice. “I love you.”

Ginny moved to him in a rush, dropping the cucumber, her lips finding his in a kiss that had the students in the class whistling. She moved away from him. “That wasn’t so hard, was it?”

“I expect proper payment later,” Draco murmured.

Ginny adopted his infamous smirk. “I could probably think of something.”

“Boys are so easy to manipulate,” Pansy drawled.

“Oh, thanks, Pansy,” Ginny said with a smile. “The whine added a perfect touch.”

Draco gaped. “You set me up.”

“A few of your Slytherin mannerisms rubbed off on me,” Ginny said.

“Now, may we please get back to the proper usage of a cucumber,” Professor Mink said with a smile. “Ms. Weasley has already demonstrated the improper use.”

“Not all of them,” Colin muttered.

“Mr. Creevey, I can hear you,” Professor Mink snapped. “Why did I get stuck with the 6th and 7th year Slytherins and Gryffindors?”

Colin smiled. “I would love to hear about the proper usage of a cucumber, Professor Mink.”