Love Him

papermask

Rating: PG
Genres: Angst, Romance
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 7
Published: 26/05/2010
Last Updated: 28/05/2010
Status: in_progress

Hermione's perspective of the last scene of Book 7, and what follows. Chapter 3 coming soon.

Chapters

1. 19 Years Later - The Beginning

2. 19 Years Later - The Confrontation

1. 19 Years Later - The Beginning

She had never expected to love him. But she did. She loved him, and when she loved, she loved hard. It was one of her faults.

She lets out a sigh as she watched her children being taken away on the train. She would miss them, but she wanted them to go. She wanted them to be introduced to Hogwarts and have the experiences that she missed so dearly. As the train pulled out of sight, she turned her head to see Harry whispering something to Ginny. Her heart almost stops. He used to whisper to her. He used to tell her his secrets and his fears, and she would comfort him and do her best to make him happy. He never whispered to her anymore. Apparently, she was no longer needed for things like that. That was Ginny's job now.

She continues to watch them, and time seems to slow down. He lightly traces the scar on his forehead, and then smiles. She bites her lip. She wished that she knew what he was thinking. She wanted to smile with him, to be happy with him like they used to talk about. But it seems that he has forgotten their old talks. And who could blame him? She was nothing special, just a bookworm with bushy hair. Why would he remember their childish little musings when he could be an adult with Ginny? The vivacious, outspoken redhead with a perfect smile. Yes, even to her, their old talks paled in comparison to the possibilities that lay with Ginny.

She feels a light tug on her hand. As she turns, she sees Ron's smiling face. Oh, Ron. He's so hopelessly clueless. She does admitt, she loves him, but only in the way that she's always loved him. She's tried so hard to love him in the way that he wants her to, in the way that she loves Harry, but she can't. She wonders why she ever decided to be with him. Perhaps she felt that love would come with time, or that one day she would wake up, and things would be different. Either way, it was a mistake. But it's too late now. They have children, and she swore to herself that she wouldn't tear the children's lives apart for selfish reasons.

Ron pulls her along like a rag doll. They walk over to Harry and Ginny, who have just shared a kiss. She feels sick. Ron laughs and says something to Harry about kissing his little sister. Ginny rolls her eyes, and they all begin a familiar conversation. She isn't listening. She stares at the ground like a small child, drifting in and out of time. She tries to focus on her memories of him and her.

Maybe she was just selfish. She had survived the war, when so many others had perished. She had spent plenty of time with Harry to be his friend, to be his mentor. They had their walks by the lake and trips to Hogsmeade, along with summer visits at the Burrow, late night talks, and not to mention all the adventures. Yet, she wanted more. And maybe that was wrong of her. But she didn't want a lot.

He didn't have to fall in love with her and sweep her off her feet like a romantic novel. He didn't have to love her at all, if he didn't want to. But she wished that he would still be her friend. The friend that he used to be, and if it developed into something more, than wonderful, but if it didn't, then that would be okay, too. All she really wanted was him, in any form. But the way that things were right now, and the way the future looked, she wouldn't have any of that. Then, her feelings change.

She makes herself angry. Who was she to decide that he had to love her? Who was she to want him to drop his happy life just so she could be content? Nobody. She was nobody, and she didn't deserve him even if he did want her. She feels the familiar prickle of tears. She fights with everything to hold them in. She won't cry, not in front of him. Suddenly, there is another tug on her hand. Only this one feels different. There is a spark to it. She doesn't have to look up to know who it is.

"Are you coming, Hermione?"

She faces him, desperate. As usual, he does not see her. Not the real her. Not like he used to.

"We're all headed to the pub. You're coming, yeah?"

She searches his eyes for something, anything to show her that he still knows her on some level. She finds nothing. She inwardly sighs, but plasters on a fake smile and nods her head. He smiles, turns around and goes to catch up to Ron and Ginny. He does not let go over her hand, and instead brings her along with him. In that short span of time, she pretends that it's like it used to be. They're close again, they're united once more. Things are different, and they're in love. Harry and Hermione. Hermione and Harry. They're not headed to a pub, but to the rest of their lives where everything is as it should be, and everyone is happy. But that moment is gone, and their life together is over. They've run out of time.

She had never expected to love him. But she did. She loved him, and when she loved, she loved hard.

It was one of her faults.

2. 19 Years Later - The Confrontation

Hermione sat silently at the table, swirling her tea with a spoon. She, Harry, Ron, and Ginny were chatting idly at The Hog's Head. Teddy had taken Lily and Hugo back to Potter Manor to give the adults some time to catch up with each other. Their conversation switched back and forth between the children, Hogwarts, and everyday life. Hermione was finding it hard to focus on the discussion, as she was still gathering herself from the events that had occurred on Platform 9 3/4.

She couldn't believe it had come to this. Things had been so different before. She had been different. Yes, there was the horrible, constant worry of Voldemort and a corrupt Ministry, two problems that nobody had to think about anymore. But, even through those circumstances, Hermione felt that her life had been filled with more happiness during those difficult times than it was now. She truly believed that she was closer to everybody back then, especially the members of the DA. They had such a special bond, and now they hardly ever saw each other. This pain was amplified when Hermione thought about the two special men in her life - Harry and Ron. Yes, she was married to Ron, but they weren't any closer emotionally or mentally than they had been in school. Hermione loved Ron very much, but she just couldn't love him the way he wanted her to, the way that he deserved to be loved. That kind of love was reserved for one person alone - Harry.

Hermione shrank in her chair; her heart felt like it would beat right out of her chest. Her logical mind told Hermione that she needed to move on from her feelings for Harry and accept her life as it was. She was married to Ron, she had two amazing children - why couldn't she just be happy? Some people would never know that kind of life. Hermione furrowed her eyebrows. She could comprehend so many things, and yet, she found it extremely difficult to understand herself. It was a constant battle to simply think straight.

"You seem lost in thought," a familiar voice said. Hermione felt herself jump in surprise. She turned to look at the source of the voice.

"Yes, I suppose I am," she said to Harry slowly. He just smiled in return, and took a gulp of his butterbeer. Hermione looked around the table; Ron and Ginny were no longer there. As she looked up, Hermione noticed them at the bar. They seemed to be having a very funny conversation, as Ginny was laughing quite loudly.

"So, what are you thinking about?", Harry asked with a smile. Hermione let out a small sigh.

"Nothing important," she whispered before taking a sip of her tea.

"Oh, come on, Hermione, tell me," Harry pushed. Hermione bit her bottom lip, but then looked Harry directly in the eye.

"Do you realize that this is the most that you've said to me all day?", she countered. Harry frowned slightly. Hermione continued.

"I mean, really, it's like this all the time. We hardly ever talk, Harry," she said.

"That's not true," Harry responded. Hermione felt her eyes welling up slightly.

"Not true? Harry, when is the last time we talked? I mean really talked. A full conversation and everything?", she said, suddenly frantic. Harry opened his mouth to speak, but then closed it.

"Exactly," Hermione said. There was a small pause, and then Harry toook his turn to speak.

"Okay, so we don't talk as much as we used to. We're still best friends," Harry concluded. Hermione looked down, clearly trying to hide her tears.

"You have no idea how much I wish that were true," she whispered. Harry's eyes widened slightly as he stared at the woman whom he had known for so long.

"Hermione, what's going on? What do you mean by that?", Harry whispered back. "Harry, just face it. We're never going to be as close as we were. I've been trying to come to terms with that for a very long time now. You should do the same," Hermione said flatly. This was it. The beginning of the end.

"Hermione...I honestly don't know where you're getting all of this-"

"Oh? You really don't, do you?", Hermione interrupted, "You clearly haven't noticed, then."

"Noticed what?", Harry asked, louder than before.

"How we've been drifting apart! Don't you remember, Harry? Can you remember? You and I used to be so close. We could read each other's thoughts, for Heaven's sake! You would tell me things that you never told anybody else, and I'd do the same! I'd grab your hand or arm when I was afraid and you wouldn't pull away like most boys would because you cared for me! And I cared for you! I...I loved you, Harry. And you loved me, too. You loved me, too," Hermione said forcefully as she began to lose control of her tears. Harry's eyes were wide now. He stared at the face of the woman in front of him. She was obviously wracked with emotion and pain, and he didn't know what to do. Tentatively, he reached for Hermione's hand, but she wouldn't let him touch her.

"I don't know if it's because you genuinely don't care about me anymore, or if you've just forgotten how we used to be, but I'm tired of it, Harry. I'm so tired of wishing that everything will change and not doing anything about it," Hermione said sadly. Harry didn't know what to say. He had no idea that she felt this way.

"I know that we're both married now, and that we have families, but I had always thought that you'd-," Hermione caught herself before finishing that sentence, "What I mean to say is...look, I'm not trying to come between you and...anyone, but I just wish things could go back to the way they were. When you would come to me for help or advice instead of Ginny."

Hermione raised her hand to her mouth. She hadn't meant to say that last part. She expected Harry to become angry, but instead, he looked more confused than anythign else.

"Ginny? Is that what this is all about? Hermione, you'll always be my friend, but Ginny...she's my wife," Harry said. Hermione felt the bitter sting of those words.

"So, it's true, then? You've replaced me," Hermione whispered. Harry's jaw dropped as realization dawned on him. Hermione slowly nodded, as if resigning herself to her new place.

"Hermione...I can't even...why would you think-"

"Harry," Hermione said suddenly in a different, cheerier tone, "I'm sorry. What I said was wrong and out of line. I understand everything now, so there's no need to worry."

As she said this, Hermione got up from the table. When Harry tried to speak, Hermione simply talked over him, trying her hardest to hold back any rogue tears.

"If you would, please tell Ron that I went to pick up Hugo and that I'll be at home", Hermione said. Before Harry could say anything, there was a small pop, and Hermione was gone.