Living Through The Loneliness

dreamcatcher_3107

Rating: PG
Genres: Drama, Romance
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 5
Published: 18/08/2003
Last Updated: 21/08/2003
Status: in_progress

After Ron's death, Harry is in a state of shock. He has locked himself in a room, and refuses to talk to anyone. Can Hermione help Harry overcome his loneliness and start living his life again?

Chapters

1. Living Through The Loneliness

1. Living Through The Loneliness

A/N: Hello shippers!! *waves* This is supposed to be a one-chapter fic, but that could change. It's just an idea that came to my mind. I hope you enjoy it.

Living Trough the Loneliness

He sat there in the couch, staring off to space. What else could he do? The guilt was forming a lump in his throat, but he refused to think about it. He had done what he had to do. He had followed his instincts. How was that so wrong?

After all the years he spent at Hogwarts, he had thought, deep down, that everything would be all right in the end. Voldemort was after him, true; but there was always a way out. Always a way out for great Harry Potter.

He snorted in the irony of it all. Great Harry Potter. So great that couldn't even save his friends. He knew he didn't deserve to be treated with such respect, but no one seemed to care about that. If he saved the world from Voldemort, then everything was okay. Then he was the hero. But no one ever cared about... him.

Ronald Weasley. Known as a caring and loyal friend. Always there for them. He was the hero. In his own particular way, of course. That was how Harry felt, at least.

Ronald Weasley. Harry would always remember that name and look back to all the adventures they shared. That was when they were The Trio.

Everything was wonderful then. In spite of Voldemort's army rising back to power, Ron and Hermione could always cheer Harry up. And that was just because, together, the three of them were capable of more than anyone else. They were powerful. They were a team. Nothing could ever change that.

Not even the time Ron confessed his feelings for Hermione. Not even when she said she didn't return his feelings. Not even when Sirius died. Not even when Neville died. Not even when Hagrid died. Not even when Voldemort took over Hogwarts. Not even then. Because they were together.

It was hard for Harry to believe that all those years of boundless friendship and trust could be reduced to a simple decisive moment. He had to make the choice, and it was all Voldemort's fault.

He was so young. Seventeen years old. They were there, the three of them in front of Voldemort, ready to face anything that was to come. Even death.

Harry always admired them. Their courage. Determination. But above all, their loyalty. Without them, things would have been very different. He wouldn't have defeated him.

But no matter how courageous his friends were, or how courageous he was himself, Voldemort always found a way to get you. So he had to choose. Two friends in agony, and he was right there, watching their lives fade in front of him. But he had to choose. And that was the worst part of Voldemort. He liked to see people suffer. Specially Harry.

But here the hero was Ron. Harry will never forget his last words: "Save her. She deserves to live more than I do. You know it. Thanks for your friendship, Harry, I'll never forget you. But you have to do the right thing".

He turned his head towards Hermione. He could feel the pain emanate from her slender body. She was frowning. Trying to hold on to her life, only with her soul. She didn't say anything.

Harry was torn. He couldn't think properly, but he had to make a choice. "I'm so sorry Ron. You're the best friend I ever had". And with those words, he ran to Hermione and broke the charms that were tying her down. He could hear Ron's screaming behind him as Voldemort tortured him. But he didn't dare to turn around. He tried to focus on Hermione.

And suddenly, the shrieks ceased. The only thing he heard before that, was the mostly feared 'Avada Kedavra'. With those words he felt his heart tearing apart. He was then blinded by a powerful rage that reached his insides and the surface of his skin.

He turned around as fast as he could; stood up and, while Voldemort enjoyed watching Ron's lifeless body, he ran faster than he thought was humanly possible. He didn't care how, all he knew was he had to harm Voldemort as much as he could.

He took out his wand, and yelled out: "Crucio!".

Voldemort whirled around in that precise second. He stared at Harry with a grin on his face. Like Bellatrix Lestrange had once said, you have to mean it when you say it. But there was something that Voldemort did not see coming. Harry did mean it.

He started yelling in agony. He felt his body go numb from the pain. He never experienced a pain like that before. He didn't know why, but Harry Potter's curse was much stronger than all of the other curses he had ever received combined. Then, Harry pronounced the last words that were ever heard in the always silent 'Cave of The Dead'.

"Avada Kedavra!" he screamed, with his whole body and soul.

It might have been hard to believe for everyone that knew how Voldemort had cautiously prepared for immortality when the news was heard. Harry Potter had killed the Dark Lord. It might have been hard to understand for everyone, except Albus Dumbledore. Like he had explained Harry many times, if there was one thing Voldemort did not understand, was love. And Voldemort's biggest mistake was killing Ronald Weasley, probably one of the persons Harry loved the most in his life.

After the events of that night, Harry didn't react the way everyone thought he would. Everyone mourned Ron. Hermione, the Weasleys, the whole school... but surprisingly, nobody blamed Harry for anything. Everyone just mourned him. Everyone but Harry.

Nobody could tell what was wrong with him, except Hermione, who knew him more than anyone. Harry had reached a state of numbness beyond his control. The first month after the tragedy he spent it locked in the Room of Requirement. The only living soul he let in was Hedwig, who brought him food and letters everyday; but Harry never opened those letters or ate the food. He just stared off to space. He couldn't cry. Somehow, he felt he had forgotten how. But this changed the morning of June the first, just a month after it happened.

It all changed because he finally let it sink in. He was so afraid of doing that, that he had forgotten how to live. He didn't want it to sink in. He wanted to remain locked inside his numbness, unable to feel any pain, or sadness, or guilt; unable to feel at all. Till that morning, when he finally let it sink in.

Nobody seemed to have the heart to tell Harry to get out, but on June 1st, Hermione decided to do something. She knocked slightly on the door.

"Harry?" she said. "Harry? It's me. Can you let me in, please? I want to talk".

Harry didn't move for several minutes. He didn't even consider the possibility of opening the door, but Hermione's pleading made him realize that he couldn't hide any longer.

He opened the door and went back to the couch were he was sitting, without looking at her. Hermione cautiously entered behind him, and settled herself in the couch in front of Harry. She looked up to see him staring off to space. Was this the way he had spent the last month?

"Harry?"

"Mmmm?" he replied, still not looking at her.

"Are you okay?" He looked at her suddenly. That was all he needed.

"Are you asking if I'm okay?! Hermione are you insane?! Of course I'm not okay!!" he shouted at her. And then he started saying everything that had been on his chest for the last month, locked inside with no way out. He spoke about his fears, his sadness, his anger, and his frustration; but mostly about his guilt. Hermione merely listened. She knew it was all she could do.

When Harry finished, Hermione stood up, sat beside him, and hugged him. And then he started sobbing like a lost child, with his head over her lap. All morning. Hermione stroked his hair and told him everything would be all right now. She told him how she was grateful that he had saved her, and how she thought Ron's death was not his fault. She said she had heard Ron telling him to save her. She said Ron at least had a dignified death, sacrificing himself for his friends. She told him no one blamed him for what had happened.

After a long time, Harry felt a weight lift from his shoulders. He had let it all out, and he felt immense relief. But there was still one truth that was haunting him and that he didn't want to let Hermione know. He wasn't sure he had made the right choice.

As much as he loved her, and she had always been an amazing friend, there was the minor detail that she was not Ron. There were some things that were just between him and Ron, and no one else; just like there were things between him and Hermione that Ron wasn't meant to know. So there were things that were bound to remain secret from other people but Ron and Harry. Ron's legacy to Harry. He decided he needed to tell Hermione about it. Hopefully, she'd understand.

"I know. There's a space in all of our hearts that is only occupied by Ron, no one else. I don't intend to become Ron's replacement, because I know that would be a mistake. Ron was special, unique. And maybe he is not physically alive, but he is always alive in a spot in our hearts. I know that choosing between two best friends is like choosing between your mother and father. Especially if the relationship is as close as ours was. But the choice was already made, and believe me, I have regretted it every day of my life since it happened. You are not the only one that feels guilty, you know. Every night as I lay in bed, I can't sleep. I cry for Ron, and I always wonder how it would have been for you two if I didn't exist. I can't help thinking to myself that if it weren't for my sole existence, Ron would be alive, to enjoy at the fullest the life we all know he deserved".

"Don't say that!" Harry suddenly said, bemused. "Don't you ever say that, do you hear me, Hermione? If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be who I am. I don't know what I'd do if you weren't here, with me. You are the only one I have left, Hermione. And I will never let anything happen to you. I don't think I can deal with losing you".

Hermione smiled slightly. "I don't know what I'd do without you either, Harry. You've become a part of my life now. You are too crucial for me to do without you. And I think now that we've lost Ron, and we only have each other, we have to stick together, no matter what. That's why I came to see you. I've been worried sick, but I didn't want to disturb you. I knew what you must have been going through. I knew my pain was probably nothing compared to yours".

They stared at each other for a very long time, understanding flooding between them. Harry hugged Hermione again.

"I'm so glad you're here. You are the only one that understands what it's like to loose Ron".

Hermione hugged him back and snuggled into his chest. They stayed like that for a long time, till Hermione fell asleep in Harry's arms. He didn't move away, just stayed there, enjoying the scent of her bushy hair, till he fell asleep too.

****************

"Harry?" Hermione shook him slightly.

Harry woke up and saw Hermione leaning into him, still all over him.

"Harry, it's nearly six o'clock, we've been here all day! We have to get out of here!" she said.

"I want to stay. Stay with me, will you?" he looked at her sleepily, with a puppy-dog face she couldn't resist.

"Well okay, but first let's go to the great Hall. C'mon, you need to eat something. I think it'll do you good to get out of here for at least one hour".

Ten minutes later, the two of them were entering the Great Hall. The whole school held their breaths as they saw a puffy-eyed, messy-haired, Harry Potter. He looked up to the staff table and received a warm smile from Albus Dumbledore. The only thing he really wanted was to eat and leave the place, he didn't feel ready to face so much people.

Hermione wanted him to sit along with their other Gryffindor classmates, but Harry refused, and she understood. They sat a little apart and ate silently. When Harry finished, he stood up and said: "Let's get out of here".

"But Harry", Hermione said, "don't you want some pumpkin pie for dessert?"

Harry saw the two pumpkin pies magically appearing in the table. He wasn't in the mood for pie, but Hermione seemed very concerned about his lack of enthusiasm with the food. "Er... I'll take that to go", he said, and grabbed his pie as he headed for the stairs.

Hermione followed close behind, while the rest of the school looked at them with shocked expressions.

Back in the Room of Requirement, Harry sat in the couch and started eating his pie very eagerly. He felt much more comfortable alone with Hermione at this moments. Hermione sat right beside him, happily watching him eat.

"That's right Harry, tuck in. You need to recover forces".

"You sound like Mrs. Weasley," Harry said, without thinking. There was an awkward silence. “By the way, how are the Weasleys doing?"

"They are okay. Getting over it, I guess. At least they have handled it better than you," Hermione answered, smiling slightly.

"Hey!" said Harry, who was just enjoying the last bite of pumpkin pie. He then spoke in a very serious tone. "Hermione you don't know how much I appreciate what you are doing for me".

Her smile faded. "What do you mean? You where the one that saved me, Harry! I owe you everything!"

"Oh don't be silly. You owe me nothing. I owe you everything for staying by my side. You've always believed in me. Even when Ron didn't". Hermione remembered their 4th year, in which Ron accused Harry of putting his name in the Goblet of Fire because he was jealous. She smiled as she remembered when she taught Harry the Summoning Charm.

"You mean too much for me to fight with you. Ever..."

They looked at each other intensely, Harry lost in her eyes. Hermione started to lean closer. And closer. And closer... But Harry moved away.

"No... Why are you doing this! We can't! For Ron's sake, you know what I mean...." Harry was a little sad having to say that, but one thing he would never do would be betray Ron's memory. And he knew about Ron's feelings for her. It would be an awful thing to do, no matter which feelings he had felt today. It'll probably pass, he thought. She's been too nice to me, that's why I'm feeling this way.

Hermione looked awestruck. "Ron liked me, Harry, I never liked him back. It was you".

Harry let those words stand still in the air, refusing to hear them. But eventually, he did. "What?"

"It was you. I liked you. Didn't you ever notice?"

"But-- no, you're kidding, that can't be true, you-- I... no-- this is... this--"

"Oh shut up and kiss me, Harry Potter!" Hermione said, and with that, she brushed her lips with Harry's; slowly at first, then deeper. Harry was just relaxing a little into the kiss when, suddenly, she pulled away.

"What?" he asked. She was frowning.

"You... you taste like pumpkin pie!" she answered, chuckling.

Harry grinned impishly and said, "Oh, shut up and kiss me, Hermione Granger!"

THE END