The Adventures of Owl Man

xelan

Rating: PG13
Genres: Romance, Humor
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 4
Published: 16/01/2011
Last Updated: 04/02/2011
Status: in_progress

When crime threatens Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardy, one figure cloaked in darkness appears to save the day. Owl Man meets his most intriguing adversary yet - Kneazle Woman. Harmony and less direct Weasley bashing. More Rogues to come.

Chapters

1. Enter Kneazle Woman

2. The Origin of the Jester

1. Enter Kneazle Woman

A/N: I own nothing you recognize. I came up with the Owl Man idea on Seel’vor’s yahoo group. Thanks to the group for help in polishing some ideas. Please don’t take this too seriously. I’m trying for over-the-top, campy, and clichéd. Hopefully you’ll find it funny.

Special thanks to Chris Dee who gave the world a strong, sexy, and fascinating view of Catwoman. Directly and indirectly, she is largely responsible for how I characterize Kneazle Woman.

A/N Succinct version: Hated Jo’s ending, my Hermione’s middle name is Jane, dislike several Weasleys, and Harry and Hermione are fated in my opinion.

xxxxxxx

xX-Special Note: Hermione’s middle name is Jane in my stories.-Xx

-Headlines from the Gothic Gazette: Hogwart’s Best and Only Publication-

-Extra, extra, read all about it! Owl Man wages one wizard war against crime!

-Sprout Overjoyed! Owl Man saves entire nursery of mandrakes from Magical Weasels! Ron Weasley Hospitalized.

-Exclusive! Owl Man uncovers Hufflepuff conspiracy to breed new race of sparkle vampires!

-Earlier-

"Harry?"

"Yes, Hermione?"

"Can I borrow your Dad's map for a bit? We learned some fascinating new uses for runes today and I think the map may be powered by the same techniques. I'd really like to find out for sure."

He looked at her oddly for a second. "And you won't hurt the map, right?"

"I promise I won't, Girl Guide's honor."

He withdrew the map from his school bag and handed it to her. "Right then, have fun."

She smiled brightly and his heart skipped a beat. "Thanks, Harry. I'll return it just as soon as I'm done."

-Later-

"Stop right there! Drop the - wait just a minute. Who are you and what kind of costume is that?" Owl Man stood absolutely gobsmacked in the doorway as his eyes were riveted on the girl holding the House Cup and wearing a skintight costume, a mask and what looked like cat ears.

She smirked and began sauntering closer to him, her curly black hair covering her shoulders and outlining her young, lithe body.

Staring at her costumed body from head to toe, suddenly, his own costume started feeling very warm and tight. He could have sworn he had heard her purr. Oh yes, it was beginning to feel very tight just a bit further down.

Coming to halt just a meter in front of The Night Terror of Justice, the costumed girl struck a confident pose and balanced the trophy on her outstretched palm. "The name's Kneazle Woman, Owl Man, and I am the greatest cat burgler Hogwart's has ever known!" Then she started to laugh in a strange high pitched sort of way while covering her mouth with the back side of her other hand. "Ohh, Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho. Ohh, Ho, Ho, H- *achem* Sorry about that, It's the costume mostly, but the laugh is so much fun!"

Chocolaty brown eyes met emerald green and the Owl Man could feel a drop of sweat drip down from his magically whitened hair. His heart was thumping loudly in his chest and he seemed to be finding it very difficult to swallow...

Laughing done with, Kneazle Woman withdrew a whip made of yarn and gave it a flick once then twice.

Odd, he thought. My feet are cold. Immediately, the feathered crusader jumped out of the way. At least, that was the plan. He found his feet had been covered with ice and frozen together. He ended up landing jarringly on the stone floor.

"Ha-I mean-Owl Man!" gasped Kneazle Woman and she rushed to his side, seemingly intent on rolling him onto his back to check him for injury. But before her hands touched him, she stopped and then backed away so quickly that she landed on her backside. "Omph" she said as she landed.

With a groan, the Feathered Wing of Justice rolled slightly to his side. His feet were still solidly frozen together and he couldn't quite manage to stand yet. "What exactly did you do to me?"

She shrugged and replied, "Freezing charm on your feet when you were distracted by the whip. The trophy hid my wand until I had your focus elsewhere and I whispered the spell" she explained.

The authoritative tone struck a chord in the young wizard, but he couldn't quite place it. "Clever girl..."

"Thank you. Now, are you alright?"

Struck by how odd it was that an enemy would be worried about his well-being, he responded absently, "Well enough, I suppose.

"Good." She stood up and made a dash for the door. Before she slipped through, she turned back and called back to him. "Don't forget to have Madame Pomfrey look you over. Frostbite can be painful." Then, she was gone.

Staring longingly after her legs, Harry wished all his enemies were as kind and nice to look at. Shaking his head as he focused himself back in the game, he finally remembered an appropriate heating spell to thaw his feat. Hoping he wouldn't cook his toes off, he cast and minutes later he was racing down the halls With the Marauder's map to head her off. Curious. She appears to be heading to the Library... Ducking behind a tapestry, he made use of a particularly convenient shortcut and found himself in at the Library doors. He entered.

"You should know that I do not take kindly to vigilantes starting fights in my Library, nor do I appreciate any disturbances that may damage even one of our priceless tomes."

"It’s perfectly all right, Madame Pince. Acting Headmaster Lockhart fully supports my crime fighting endeavors."

Madame Pince merely scoffed at the notion. "Be that as it may, this is still my Library. Harm but a single book and I will alert Acting Deputy Snape myself. Do not force my hand, young man."

"I'm just going to go over here now and with great caution and care I will apprehend Kneazle Woman and recover her ill gotten gain." he said pointing to a seldom used area in the cavernous library."

"Don't forget, I've got my eye on you." Madame Pince turned up her nose at the masked teen and left to attend to her duties."

"Phew, I thought I'd really bought it there. Now, time to find my quarry." And with that, Harry Pot-err-Owl Man took off at a brisk walk until he was well away from Madame Pince’s desk. He moved quickly and quietly through the shelves and stacks until he reached the area he’d last seen her on the map. Moving around one last book shelf, he leapt from out of the shadows with his arm out stretched pointing toward the figure sitting at the study table. "Return the-H-Hermione?" he stammered.

There at the study table sat Hermione Granger, casually flipping through a book of what appeared to be hair care charms. "Return me, Owl Man? Oh, whatever do you mean?"

"Uh... Huh. I could have sworn... On second thought, just forget everything I just said. I should have realized something was wrong when the map said Kneazle Woman instead of her actual name," he mused."

Looking confused, Hermione took on a humoring tone. "Ookay... Right. Well, I was going to say, not to shout in the library, but you're obviously a bit confused. So, I'll just get you next time." She stood up from her chair and inadvertently knocked over her book back which clanked oddly as it hit the stone floor. Hermione seemed to stiffen as she heard the sound. Suddenly, she was by his side and was pushing him back toward the Library entrance. "You should go. I think I heard Professor Snape heading this way. You know he doesn't like you, Ha-I mean-Owl Man. You need to stay free so you can protect us from - who did you say it was you were chasing again?

With a sigh, Harry Potter, who was also secretly The Owl Man: The Winged Spirit of Justice spoke her name with longing. "Kneazle Woman."

"Right, Kneazle Woman. You've got to take care of her the next time she steals a valuable Hogwarts treasure. Now, get going before you're caught," she said with a small smile.

Harry nodded to himself once and then dashed off in the darkness of the stacks. Before he disappeared from view, he heard Hermione say something about 'Pomfrey' and then he was gone."

Several long minutes later, a normal looking Harry Potter appeared in the same study area. It was nearing supper time and he knew that both he and Hermione enjoyed walking to meals together. She smiled brightly as she noticed him and she quickly placed her borrowed book on the nearby re-stocking trolley.

"Ready for some supper?" he asked casually.

"I’m absolutely famished. Shall we go?"

Nodding his agreement, he turned to begin walking back out of the Library. It was then that he noticed her book bag seemed larger and heavier than normal. Considering he wasn't carrying a bag and that hers seemed overly heavy, he offered to carry it for her as far as the Great Hall. Blushing, she hesitantly agreed.

"So, any news about when Ron will get out of the Infirmary?"

"I was just there. Apparently, Madame Pomfrey is having no luck with the red and gold coloring on his face. Who would have thought that anyone was a worse potions teacher than Snape."

"Well, we found out Lockhart was useless as a Defense teacher in second year. I'm not terribly surprised he was even more useless at potions. Pity we just happened to be the only class to win the privilege of being taught by Lockhart for the day."

"Who I really pity is Ron. I mean, he's still not right in the head. When I saw him, he kept talking to himself in the third person and apparently he's now calling himself Two-Mouths due to the accident. Let's hope he still only eats like he has one."

Hermione looked queasy at the thought. "Enough about him, let's just try to enjoy our meal."

-Even Later-

Thank you for the loan, Professor Flitwick.

“No problem at all, Miss Granger. It is a tad unorthodox, I will admit, but there is nothing forbidding a student from borrowing the House Cup to study. It is, after all, an important relic of the founders. Did you get everything you need from it?” he asked. His curiosity was evident on his face.

She nodded. “Yes professor. Everything turned out purrfectly.” She smiled at her private in-joke.

“Very good, Miss Granger. Now, if there’s nothing else, I have a veritable mountain of extra work to do since Professor McGonagall is still at Saint Mungo’s.”

“Actually, I was wondering if I might also borrow the sorting hat for a short while. The spellwork must be magnificent.”

Flitwick looked thoughtful. “I don’t see why not. I’ll run it by the Acting-” and he paused there as if the thought was distasteful to him. “-Acting Headmaster. If he has no issues with it, then I will arrange a time and place for you to pick it up and inform you of the time and place.”

“Thank you, sir.”

“You’re very welcome. Good day, Miss Granger.”

-That night in the Common Room-

Harry walked through the portrait door into the empty common room. Noting the dim lighting and the absence of people, his gaze was immediately drawn to a head of curly brown hair with some light frizzing. Only one witch he knew had hair like that and despite her facing the fireplace and away from him, her presence brought a smile to his face. Walking up to the overstuffed sofa, he called out “What are you up to, Hermione?

Warm, dulcet tones replied with a hint of playfulness. “Playing with my kitty.” She turned her head, a smoky smile on her face as she laid eyes upon him. “Want to pet my pussy?

*SPUTTER* “What did you just say?” was Harry’s shocked response.

“I said I’m playing with Crookshanks and then I asked you if you wanted to pet him as well. Do we need to have Madame Pomfrey check your hearing now?” she answered in a matter-of-fact tone.

Mouth working, but no sound coming out, he finally took a deep breath and then with a straight face he answered back, “Right. Sorry. I must have had some water in my ears.” With that misunderstanding taken care of, he rounded the sofa and sat down next to Hermione. He moved forward to scratch Crookshanks around the ears, but he gave a lazy meow and hopped off his mistress’ lap to make his way back to her dorm.

“Sometimes I think he doesn’t like me very much,” Harry mumbled.

“Oh tosh, he likes you just fine. He hisses at most everyone else and he’s always trying to tear Ron into ribbons. In comparison, I’d say you’re his second favorite human.”

Amused, Harry couldn’t help but ask, “And that would make you his favorite human, then?”

“Of course! Why would you even need to ask, Harry?”

“Oh, no reason...”

“There was a reason, Harry; otherwise, you’d never have said it. Tell me?” Sometime during their conversation, Hermione had reached over and gently guided his head to face hers. Her hands were so very soft.

His eyes were pointed downwards as he didn’t think he could NOT tell her if he got caught in her deep Chocolaty brown eyes. Wait just a moment... Chocolaty brown eyes... a half cat-half kneazle pet... intense and undeniable feelings for both... THE LIBRARY! His eyes shot up in astonishment. “Hermione... you-you’re...”

Looking puzzled and oh so cute with her head slightly tilted to the side. Like a cat, came the unbidden thought. Harry didn’t know what to say, so he swallowed and just gazed at her delicate features.

“I’m what, Harry?” she asked. Honestly puzzled at her best friend’s behavior.

“Beautiful,” he blurted.

“Aww... thanks, Harry” and she wrapped him in an impromptu hug.

Shocked at how perfect her arms felt around him and yet still struggling with the revelation that the two girls he fancied were really the same girl – and Kneazle Woman at that. He returned the hug.

Releasing the object of her affection, Hermione looked at him askance and casually mentioned, “I’m still waiting to hear why you asked about Crooks’ favorite human?”

He was caught in her eyes and he couldn’t help telling her the truth. “I was just thinking that it would be nice if I was someone’s favorite human as well.”

She smiled and actually giggled a bit at his answer. At the grumpy expression on his face, she leaned in close to whisper in his ear. “If it makes you feel any better, Harry. You’re MY favorite human.” She then gave him a light peck on the cheek and the excused herself before leaving for her dorm room.

Harry didn’t move for several minutes as the night’s various shocks has been a bit much for him. Finally after his brain restarted, he realized that Hermione-no-Kneazle Woman-no-Hermione - anyway, the girl he fancied appeared to fancy him back. To top it all off, she’d even kissed him. Granted, it was only a light kiss on the cheek, but that was his first. The thought of her lips on his skin sent pleasant shivers down his spine. Later, when he finally got to bed, his sleep was filled with VERY enjoyable dreams of smart and sexy catgirls trying to steal something from him – something that started with a V.

-Breaking News! Kneazle Woman steals House Cup! Owl Man helpless before feminine wiles.

End Note: Next time on The Adventures of Owl Man, the origin of The Jester. Oh, poor Draco...

2. The Origin of the Jester

A/N: I’m only trying to do some Draco bashing. Please don’t read anything more into it than that.

-A Hogwarts Corridor-

Freeze scum!

“Get lost peasant or my Fath-OhMyGod! Is that silk!?” shrieked the blond-haired boy. Trembling with excitement, he rushed forward as if to finger The Owl Man’s feather-like cape and costume. He had never seen anything quite like it. Dashing and daring, courageous in its boldness and the way it showed off Owl Man’s muscular figure was surely a crime worthy of Azkaban. Overcome with emotion, he just wanted to run his fingers all over it, but Harry had other ideas.

Firing a freezing spell like the one Kneazle Woman had used on him when she stole the House Cup, Draco Malfoy was sent skidding into a nearby wall.

“Eeyaaghhh!” screamed the skidding, pasty-faced boy. “Not the face, not the face, Oh Dark Lord in Limbo, please not the face!” Fortunately for the boy with the flailing arms, the ensuing crash shattered the ice encasing his feet. Unfortunately, the ensuing crash also made everyone in the room flinch as he had knocked over a heavy suit of armor that landed dead center on his crotch. He fainted from the pain.

Neither Owl Man nor Malfoy’s Henchmen knew what to make of the hysterical and odd acting Malfoy scion. Sure Draco had delicate bone structure and always spent far longer than anyone else grooming, certainly he’d never actually shown interest in his betrothed, and absolutely he refused to go anywhere without his burly, masculine bodyguards... Oh dear....

Crabbe and Goyle, though thicker than most weren’t dumb-well not that dumb anyway. They could read the rainbow colored writing on the walls. Pureblood families were all about an heir to inherit the family land, monies and properties. Merlin forbid that a pureblood family should die out and a newblood* family have an opportunity to rise up in their society. A wizard’s wizard carried the utmost stigma and consequently it was very, very unusual for a pureblood wizard to out himself in public.

Surprisingly, a witch’s witch did not receive the same degree of scorn, so long as she acted the dutiful wife and provided her husband an heir, she could then basically do as she pleased within the limits of pureblood, male-dominated society. However, thoughts on double standards, gender equality, and social stigma were the furthest thing from the minds young Messrs. Crabbe and Goyle.

Thoughts of numerous odd and uncomfortable occurrences with the Malfoy heir, ever since they started Hogwarts, that when taken separately could be viewed as completely innocent, but when viewed as a whole through the lense of their new understanding... could not. They began to slowly back away. After several minutes, they reached a corner of the corridor and bolted to the owlery.

Harry, though having no experience being pursued by members of the same sex, he had plenty of experience being lusted after by the fairer sex. That is to say, he didn’t enjoy being pursued by anybody... at least unless that anybody had chocolaty brown eyes or enjoyed wearing a shapely cat suit, or both. He heard a loud clang as the suit of armor laying in a compromising position on Draco shifted to the side and slid to the floor.

Still not quite of his right mind, Draco moaned loudly enough that Crabbe and Goyle could hear him even as they performed a strategic withdrawal. “Oh Barnabas, I like it when you play rough,” the blond said in the throaty voice.

Harry too had begun to back away. Having to beat Malfoy off with-on second thought, let’s rephrase that. Dissuading Malfoy from pursuing him was going to be a central and immediate concern. He considered escaping at a dead run, but turning his back on the amorous Malfoy was not a good idea, and neither was bending over to retrieve a bar of soap while Draco Malfoy was anywhere near him. He did NOT like the look in Malfoy’s eyes as he got to his feet and slowly started advancing toward Harry.

“I could be your sidekick!” He had gotten to his knees in front of Harry.

Owl Man’s eyes were very large. This was bad.

“We could fight crime! Together!” The blond ponce was actually groveling on his kness and clutching at the trousers of his costume.

Owl Man’s face looked horrified underneath his mask, and tried to kick the pale, creepy boy away.

“You mean, as Ferret Boy: The Pale Wonder?” came an amused female voice from just behind Owl Man.

All eyes turned to the feminine voice, and there in all her glory was Kneazle Woman with a whip in one hand and wand in the other. A corner of Owl Man’s lip twitched up involuntarily at the sight of her. Gods above, what that woman does to me...

Malfoy glared at the obvious woman trying to muscle in on HIS prime catch. “Obviously a Mudblood,” he sneered. “No pureblood would ever wear such hideous clothing.” Thankfully, much to Owl Man’s relief, Malfoy also release his hold on the fabric of his trousers. Owl Man wisely took this opportunity put some distance between him and this sidekick wannabe.

Anticipating the monumental cat fight that would ensue should things continue unchecked, Owl Man quickly dug through his utility belt of holding and brandished a crystal bottle with a pump spray nozzle. Not that Owl Man had any problem with watching Her-Kneazle Woman rolling around on the floor, exerting herself and developing a delicate sheen that any right minded man could only describe as a glow. No, he didn’t have a problem with that at all. What he did have a problem with was Kneazle Woman rolling around with Malfoy. Ugh... Talk about a mood killer.

The young ponce of Slytherin House was glaring daggers at Kneazle Woman, but she did not appear bothered in the least. His pale face actually began to show color as his hatred for the WOMAN before him turned his cheeks a pale crimson – almost pink. He couldn’t believe that she actually had the audacity to play with her whip in an explicit manner that brought to mind certain physical acts that made Draco feel ill.

Harry, on the other hand was enraptured by what he saw. He needed to get Malfoy out of the picture if he wanted to get some time alone with the feline knockout and her whip. Sprinting over to the blond git who was still on his knees, he aimed the spray bottle and unloaded a quick dozen spritzes to his face for good measure.

“EEYAGHHHHHH!” screamed Draco Malfoy. His eyes burned and his nose filled with a terrible, noxious fume that scorched the inside of his nose and threatened to burn his nose right off. He ran howling from the corridor in the vague direction of the Hospital Wing. Unfortunately for Draco, he was half blind and ran into no less than 3 suits of armor, 2 door frames, 5 students, 1 school ghost (very chilling), and a very irate Mr. Filch and Mrs. Norris before he made it to Poppy Pomfrey’s tender mercies.

“You go up against a lioness and you will be mauled.” Said Kneazle Woman with a smirk. She walked over to where Owl Man was still standing and deftly snagged the limp Sorting Hat from the ground. “I could have dealt with him, I hope you know.”

“Yeah, I know. You handled me well enough when you got away with the House Cup.” Now he looked awkward. “I don’t think a lady should have to deal with idiots like that, so I decided to intervene.” He pulled the Sorting Hat gently out of her unresisting hands. “Besides, he was a criminal, and crime shouldn’t pay.”

“Pfft...” was her response, and she pulled the Sorting Hat back from the Winged Crusader. “He was a bad hairdo anyway.”

“Agreed,” he said with a grin. During her annoyed gripe, he had subtly, but with her full awareness, taken the hat back.

Just as she was about to reach for the hat again, the Sorting Hat spoke up and in an annoyed voice, loudly complained that it was not a yo-yo.

Not one to be dictated to by a hat, well not more than once anyway, Kneazle Woman leaned in close to whisper into Owl Man’s ear. “What harm could it cause if I were to just borrow the Sorting Hat for a little while?” She removed the Sorting Hat from Owl Man’s belt of holding at the same time.

Suppressing an excited shiver that ran down his spine, he tried to keep a straight face as he prepared to try and lecture the accepted local authority on lectures. “Whether it causes harm or not, it is still a crime and Owl Man will not abide lawbreakers in the castle. I-” Suddenly feeling ridiculous, he looked down at his shoes. “-I don’t have a leg to stand on, do I?”

Hermione just shook her head slowly back and forth with an amused look on her face. “No, not really.” They let a comfortable pause linger between them until she grew tired of the silence. “So, essence of stink sap, dilute bubotuber puss, oil of octo-pods, and-” she lifted her head and gave a quick sniff. “-and what appears to be powdered red chili peppers - Interesting concoction.”

He nodded. “Indeed.”

“Very useful, too.”

“I know. My best friend made it for me. She’s the smartest witch in my year.” He said with pride in his voice.

Smiling brightly in spite of herself, Kneazle Woman continued. “You seem very close.”

“Definitely. I don’t know what I would do without her.”

“You should tell her.”

“I will. Someday soon.” He said as he inched closer to the felonious feline.

She grinned naughtily and stuck out her tongue.

Owl Man rolled his eyes. “So how are you going to make your escape this time?”

“If I told you, then I probably wouldn’t succeed, now would I?”

“I dunno. You seem to be able to run rings around me regardless of how on top of things I am. Nothing Permanently debilitating, I hope?”

“Of course not! Who do you take me for? I’d never permanently hurt you!”

“I know that! I really do! Just curious, I suppose. After all, I don’t actually know who you are underneath that mask, right?”

She looked thoughtful at that comment. “… Right. Sorry, I forgot for a moment.”

“That’s all right. Shall we get on with it? I have a study date in less than an hour and I hate to keep Hermione waiting.”

“Sure. I hate being kept- I mean I’m sure this Hermione you mentioned will appreciate your promptness.” Pondering her next method of escape, Kneazle Woman had a cunning plan. “Oh My Goodness! What the heck is THAT!?” she yelled while pointing behind Owl Man and over his shoulder.

Turning rapidly, he exclaimed “What? Where? Did you just curse?” Receiving no reply, he turned around only to find Kneazle Woman gone and the Sorting Hat missing. “Oh bugger,” he sighed with no venom in his voice. He smiled. “Got away again, eh Kneazle Woman? I guess we’ll just have to try something new the next time we meet.”

-Shortly After-

In the Hospitable Wing, a young blond ponce (as opposed to a middle aged blond ponce in the Headmaster’s office) was ranting to himself. “I’ll get him. He will be mine! Him... and his little cat girl too!” He threw up his arms in a threatening manner.

*CRASH*

Now look what you’ve made me do, Mr. Malfoy. Madame Pomfrey *tsked*. School children and their childish pranks. She siphoned off the excess magical stain remover she had been attempting to use on young Mr. Weasley’s two tone condition, and set to work brewing a potion to speed the healing of Draco Malfoy’s missing hair, nose, ears, lips, eyebrows, and the upper layer of his epidermis. A pity she never considered what effect Magical Stain remover would have when combined with magical face re-growing potion…

-Several Hours Later-

“OH MERLIN! What in the name of Merlin’s soiled knickers have you done to me, woman!?” Draco Malfoy, apple of his parent’s eyes stared in horror at his newly re-grown face in the mirror. His hair was green, his lips were blood red, and his already pale face was actually whiter than parchment. Somehow or other, his lips had even formed a permanent frown. He looked like some sort of demented jester! An opinion he quickly shared with Madame Pomfrey. She actually laughed.

“Jester.” Much laughing ensued. “… Hah hah, that’s a good one, heh, ahem… Now, Mr. Malfoy. I’m sure this is a temporary condition, and while my magic does not seem to affect your condition at the moment, given enough time, I’m sure I can find a way to return you to your normal appearance.”

“Not on your sorry, two sickle life, you bumbling imbecile! I’ve had enough of your supposed treatment! Get me my Father. I’m going to Saint Mungo’s. At least there I’ll be assured quality healer treatment.”

“Really, Mr. Malfoy, it’s your own fault. You shouldn’t have knocked my bottle of magical stain remover all over yourself. It will just take a little time to fix, no more than four months or so. I estimate 6 months at the latest.”

“No way in Hell, you quack!”

Clearly perturbed at the jocund jackanape. “Now there’s no need to be rude. Don’t forget I am still a member of the staff. I am asking you to stay calm while we discuss your options, of which Saint Mungo’s is obviously one.”

“Get the hell away from me you – you… WOMAN! You’re all the same. It’s just like Professor Snape said, when we finally work up the nerve to confess to the geeky guy we really like, you women sic your homicidal Werewolf boytoys on us.”

“That’s ENOUGH Mr. Malfoy! You are obviously distraught and not in your right mind.” She cast a stunner and marveled at the perpetual frown that graced his chalk white face even when unconscious. “Let’s see if two weeks medical sedation and several rounds of magical detoxification will purge the impurities in your skin.” Almost as if to herself, she murmured “- And if I work some attitude adjustment sessions in while you’re unconscious, so much the better.” She scoffed loudly, “the very idea, calling me a ‘quack’!”

-In the Slytherin Dormitory-

“Hey, Pansy. How are you holding up with Draco in the Hospital Wing for the next two weeks?

“Fine,” she answered . The universal answer of teens (Magical and otherwise) the world over.

Daphne was unconvinced.“Yes, of course you are. That’s why you’re lying here on your bed and staring blankly up at the ceiling when it is a perfectly lovely Saturday afternoon. I believe you, oh yes, I really do.” Obligatory Slytherin House mocking completed, Daphne sat down by the apathetic looking Pansy. “I guess you really do miss him, huh?”

At that, Pansy actually sat up. “Hardly. I’m only here for window dressing. One day, in a far off, murky, and somewhat sickening future, Draco Malfoy will get blindingly drunk, and I will encourage him in a deep voice to... do his duty . Nine months or so later, I will bear the next scion of the No-Longer-Young and Common House of Malfoy. Such is my lot in life. However, as he has his diversions, so too do I.” She lay back down.

Looking slightly queasy, Daphne responded, “What sort of diversions?”

“Currently? A Harry Potter fixation.”

“Pansy! You know very well that I was referring to you, not your oh-so cunning betrothed, who thinks being subtle equates to openly antagonizing the most famous wizard in the world.”

“Who said I was talking about Draco?”

Daphne decided to give Pansy a little nudge.

*Crash* “HEY!”

“Sorry. Apparently, I don’t know my own strength. Either that, or you just got run over by a Hippogriff.” Glancing around and affecting a ‘who me?” gesture. She grinned at Pansy. Suddenly pausing as if to consider something truly deep, Daphne tapped a finger lightly on her chin. “On second thought, it was definitely the former rather than the latter; the price you pay for making fun.”

“Come on, Daphne! He’s rich, easy on the eyes and according to Tracy has a larger than standard sized wand, if you know what I mean.” She twitched her eyebrows a few times to get her point across.

“Tracy said that!?” she exclaimed. “How could she possibly know that! That backstabb-”, then she noticed that Pansy was looking at her oddly. She quickly cleared her throat. *Ahem* “-I mean, I’m not interested, Pansy.”

“Oh ho. That’s how it is, is it?” she leered. Climbing back onto the bed, she gave Daphne several short but lingering glances up and down her body.

“I haven’t the faintest idea what you are implying.” She glanced up and away from Pansy. Since when did Pansy have a Harry Potter Poster underneath the canopy of her four poster bed?

Noticing the wide-eyed rapt attention Daphne was giving her poster, she smirked. “You like?”

Daphne nodded absently. His green eyes were quite fetching.

“I’ll get you in touch with my contact at the Gothic Gazette. Excellent photographer. He’s a bit too stalker-ish for my tastes, but perfectly pleasant as far as poster artists go.” Daphne was seemingly oblivious until she nodded at Pansy’s words; Pansy smiled wider. Tickled at how effective her Harry poster was, she couldn’t help but notice that Daphne had lay herself down and was blissfully staring upwards in much the same way she herself had been only short moments before. She glanced up without thinking.

Soon, Daphne noticed a warm body right next to her. Without giving it another thought, she extended her arm and the warm body snuggled into her side. She didn’t pay attention to whom the warm body belonged, she had more important things to consider- the Harry Poster staring down at her, for instance. A delicate hand began to gently stroke her stomach in a soothing manner. This was nice. In fact, it was so nice she began to stroke the shoulder of the warm body beside her in return. Though some people may find it odd, she was so wrapped up in her appreciation of the Harry Poster that her body was on automatic. She then began to rub the warm body’s shoulders in the exact same way Tracy enjoyed having her shoulders rubbed.

The blissful session went on for hours, eyes continually on the poster and various body parts soothed into relaxation. It was only after their stomachs alerted them to the fact that they were ravenously hungry for food did they realize that were coming dangerously close to missing the evening meal.

-Sunday Double-Sized Edition. Sorting Hat Stolen! Where was Owl Man? Kneazle Woman Suspected.

-Monday Brekky Edition. Hogwarts Administration Denies Sorting Hat Theft.

-Evening Edition. Draco Malfoy Released from Infirmary. Mme. Pomfrey not available for comment.

-Extra! Extra! Mass Thefts of Hair Styling Potion Crimewave. (Acting) Headmaster Too Distraught to Comment.

-Special Edition! Twin Fight! Weasley versus Patil versus Greengrass*. Double Trouble moniker in dispute!

-Retraction. We at the Gothic Gazette would like to apologize to the Greengrass sisters. We mistakenly printed that they are twins when they are in fact only sisters. The reporter who did not check her facts has been sacked. Thank you.

End Note: Next time on the Adventures of Owl Man: Every superhero needs a butler. Or would you believe a House Elf?

*Newblood - a more positive word in place of the insulting term ‘Muggle’. I think credit goes to Seel’vor, but I’m not sure.

*I know Daphne and Astoria aren’t twins.

A/N: The Daphne and Pansy scene was triggered by a comment on one of the message boards I follow. Something about Daphne and Tracy always being paired up. Reviews are always appreciated.