The Means to an End

DarthMittens

Rating: PG13
Genres: Romance, Humor
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 7
Published: 27/04/2011
Last Updated: 27/04/2011
Status: completed

What happens when there's a party in the Gryffindor common room and Harry accidentally drinks a truth serum developed by the Weasley twins? Weasley-bashing galore. One-shot. A touch of crude language.

Chapters

1. The Means to an End

1. The Means to an End

A/N: Here’s a little one-shot based on another idea given to me by Lycus (from FF.net). Thanks a bunch!

This story takes place on the day of Gryffindor’s final Quidditch match of Harry’s 6th year.

Please enjoy!

The Means to an End

The most noble house of Gryffindor was up in the common room…partying like there was no tomorrow. They had won the Quidditch cup for the third year in a row (not counting fourth year) and had even done it without their star seeker and captain, the one and only Harry Potter.

The entire house partied throughout the evening. The House Elves delivered food and the party really picked up when a team of about fifty owls flew through the window holding crates of butterbeer. They all flew towards Katie Bell, who untied a letter from one of the owl’s legs while the rest of the house untied the butterbeer.

Katie read the letter then shouted out to the crowd, “The butterbeer is from Fred and George!”

The house erupted into more cheers as Katie secretly grabbed one of the butterbeer bottles and put it next to her. No need for anyone to get into that one, she thought to herself. Of course Fred and George couldn’t just be generous—they wanted her to test a new product on one of her classmates. According to the letter, inside that butterbeer bottle was a powerful truth serum that tasted like butterbeer. It also inebriated the drinker and had a confundus potion in it so the drinker didn’t know they were spilling their deepest, darkest secrets. Katie stood up to head to the restroom, but a stunner flew out of nowhere and hit her straight in the chest, knocking her out.

“Oops,” said Neville as he turned the other way. He was going to go over to Katie to talk to her, but had gotten so nervous about talking to the girl he liked that he had lost control of his magic. Luckily he was holding his wand, thus he only fired a stunner instead of blowing a hole in the wall of Gryffindor Tower.

“Neville!” Dean called from his right.

“W-what?” Neville asked nervously, hoping that Dean hadn’t seen him stunning Katie.

“Harry’s detention should be ending about now,” Dean called over the noise. “Why don’t you grab him a butterbeer and go get him, that way he can get partying right away!”

“Okay,” said Neville, relieved that no one seemed to have noticed his embarrassing show of magical skill. He grabbed the butterbeer bottle that was sitting next to Katie and dashed from the common room, heading towards Snape’s classroom.

---TME---

Harry wiped his forehead with his arm before marking his place in the file cabinet for next week’s detention. It was absolutely sweltering in Snape’s classroom and to make it worse, Snape had been working on a potion that was boiling over a giant fire.

Harry left the classroom only to bump in to Neville, who exclaimed, “We won, Harry! We won!”

“That’s great!” said Harry. “Is the party already in full swing?”

“You bet!” said Neville, thrusting a butterbeer bottle into Harry’s hands.

“Thanks,” said Harry as they quickly walked back toward the common room. “You wouldn’t believe how hot it was in there.”

He twisted the lid off and drained the whole thing in less than a twenty seconds, wiping his mouth and smacking his lips afterwards. “Man that was good,” said Harry, satisfied.

As they approached the portrait of the Fat Lady, Harry started staggering a bit. “Neville, I-I feel a bit funny,” he slurred, holding his hands in front of his face and staring at them oddly.

Neville glanced at Harry oddly. He would’ve never guessed Harry to be such a lightweight. “You’ll be alright, mate,” he said.

“Neville,” said Harry. “How come you’re so nice? You’ve gotta be the nicest guy in Gryffindor.”

“Er…thanks, Harry,” Neville said before quickly giving the Fat Lady the password (Quid agis).

The crowd cheered and pulled the two Gryffindors inside, giving Harry slaps on the back and hugs. Ginny ran to Harry, arms held out wide for an embrace, but he caught sight of Hermione. He pushed Ginny aside and staggered through the crowd, stopping right next to the brown-haired bookworm.

“Hi, Harry,” said Hermione, smiling at him. Then she looked at his eyes and asked, “Are you alright? Why are you looking at me like—”

Harry put one hand on Hermione’s neck and the other on the small of her back, pulling her towards him. He smashed his lips against hers, making her gasp in surprise, and Harry took the opportunity to slip his tongue into her mouth. After a couple seconds of shock, Hermione began kissing him back, wrapping her arms around his neck. They kissed until they were out of breath and even kissed some more, then Harry pulled back and grinned at her, oblivious to the cheering and wolf-whistling crowd around them.

Hermione’s face was flushed and she was panting, and she had to take a second to allow the room to stop spinning. “Harry!” she exclaimed. “Wh-what?” she managed to ask.

“You look hot when you’re confused,” slurred Harry. “And you always look sexy, ‘specially when you get angry. Did you know that?”

Hermione blushed, turning red to the roots of her hair. Their moment was interrupted by Ron elbowing his way to the front of the crowd and yelling, “What the bloody hell is going on here?!”

“I was snogging Hermione,” said Harry. “She’s a really good kisser.” He turned to Hermione. “How’d you learn to kiss like that?”

“Eep,” was all Hermione said, putting her hand in front of her face out of mortification.

“I don’t appreciate you fondling my girl, Harry,” said Ron angrily, balling his hands into fists. The whole of Gryffindor house fell silent, eager to see and hear the fantastic drama before them.

“I wasn’t fondling nobody,” slurred Harry, draping an arm over Hermione’s shoulders and leaning on her a bit to avoid falling over. “And since when was she your girl? She’s Hermione Granger, not Hermione Weasley.”

“Yeah, but we’re meant to be together,” said Ron, taking a menacing step towards Harry.

Harry snorted and burst out laughing, almost falling over in the process. “You think that Hermione, who was smarter than you are now when she was three, would go out with you? You two fight all the time!”

“It’s just unresolved sexual tension,” said Ron defensively.

“Oh my God, Ron, that’s disgusting!” exclaimed Hermione, gagging mentally at the image of a naked Ron. “I yell at you because you act like an idiot!”

“Shut up, Hermione,” said Ron. “Nobody asked you.” Then he walked up to Harry, jabbing him in the chest with his finger. “And you. I’m sick and tired of always living in your shadow. I’m sick and tired of you stealing what’s rightfully mine. And I’m sick and tired and having you as a friend when you treat me like trash!”

Ron turned and started walking away, but stopped when Harry asked, “I treat you like trash? Which one of us ditched the other just because they were selected for the Triwizard Tournament? If I recall correctly, it was you. Ever since Halloween this year I’ve been sick and tired of you always acting like an eight-year-old. You bitch and moan about everything that sucks in your life, like being poor. Well, you selfish bastard, did you ever think of me? My parents were murdered when I was one, I was raised by an abusive family that hated me, I watched my godfather get murdered when I was fifteen, and I have the most evil and powerful wizard in over one thousand years out to kill me. Yeah, man, your life sucks. If you hate your life so much, why don’t you grow some balls and do something about it? Look what I just did. I just walked up to Hermione and kissed her, like I’ve wanted to do for quite a while.” Hermione smiled and blushed again. “You could try growing a few brain cells, too. Maybe you should’ve talked your parents into not blowing the galleons your dad won on a trip to Egypt. Instead of wasting all the money you get on candy and food, try saving a bit. It’s just common sense.”

“Fine, I don’t care,” said Ron. “You can have that little whore. She only wants you because you’re the boy-who-lived.”

“Reducio Permaneo!” Harry cried while pointing his wand at Ron’s privates, permanently reducing their size. “Don’t you dare call Hermione a whore!”

Ron felt his pants where his crotch was then gave a small moan and fainted. Harry grinned at Hermione, who looked shocked. “Harry!” she cried. “…That was very nice spellwork!”

“Shut your mouth!” Ginny shrieked. Then she looked at Harry with big doe eyes. “Harry, you know that I like you, right?” she asked seductively as she started to unbutton the top of her shirt. “You don’t need to be with that ugly thing.”

“Ugly?” asked Harry, perplexed. “She’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. And have you seen her bum?” Harry squeezed Hermione’s bum, making her shriek and making the Gryffindor guys hoot and holler. “I mean…wow, is it nice! Hermione’s my fantasy girl, she has been ever since fourth year. I can’t even tell you how many times I messed up in my classes because I was too busy checking her out to pay attention.” Hermione blushed again. “And please button your shirt back up. That’s disgusting.”

“DISGUSTING?!” Ginny shrieked.

“In case you haven’t noticed,” slurred Harry. “You look a lot like my mother. It’s actually pretty gross for me when you try to be sexy. You’re actually the only girl in Gryffindor I’m not physically attracted to. And why would I want to be with you after you’ve slept with pretty much every boy in the school?”

“I haven’t slept with Neville,” said Ginny.

“Actually…” said Neville, giving her a nervous smile. “You kinda did when you got drunk after the last Quidditch match.”

“Well…then…” said Ginny, struggling to think of a male student she hadn’t slept with. She looked back up at Harry, eyebrows furrowed. “I guess you’re right, I have slept with every boy in the school…well, at least fifth year and up.”

Ron, who had just woken up when his sister had said that she hadn’t slept with Neville, promptly fainted again.

“But that just means I know how to please you,” said Ginny, smiling seductively. “I’ll treat you like a real man.”

“Stupefy!” yelled Harry, knocking Ginny out. “Thank Merlin. I was about to vomit.”

“Harry?” asked Hermione. “Earlier, you said you were physically attracted to every girl in Gryffindor. And I know I’m not that pretty…”

“Have you been listening to a single word I said?!” cried Harry. “You’re my fantasy girl. Plus, I’m sixteen years old. I’m attracted to pretty much every girl I see that doesn’t look like my mum, Millicent Bulstrode, or Eloise Midgen. But I’m not in love with any of them.”

Hermione gasped. “You-you’re in love with me?”

“Ever since fourth year,” Harry said. “You’re the only one for me.”

Hermione smiled, tears welling in her eyes, and said, “I love you too, Harry.”

The Gryffindor girls made girly cooing sounds while the guys all made choking and gagging sounds. Harry kissed Hermione again, then said, “Now please excuse me. I’m really tired.”

Harry took one step away from Hermione and promptly fell flat on his face, snoring before he even hit the ground.

The crowd all gaped at each other as Hermione healed Harry’s broken nose and levitated him up to his dorm. Then someone hit play on the boombox (modified to play in Hogwarts, of course) and the party resumed.

---TME---

The next morning, Harry groggily made his way downstairs, still dressed in his pajamas. He remembered leaving detention yesterday afternoon and accepting a bottle of butterbeer, but he drew a blank for everything after that. He was surprised at himself, for despite having been to quite a few parties, he had never gotten drunk before.

He crept around Ron and Ginny, who were passed out side-by-side on the floor and sat on the couch next to a still-knocked-out Katie Bell. He noticed a piece of parchment in her hand with the twin’s handwriting on it and he decided to grab it and read it.

Katie,

Congratulations on getting the Quidditch Cup!

Here’s a little congratulatory gift from the two of us. All we ask in return is that you give someone the bottle of butterbeer tied to this owl’s leg.

In it is a truth serum designed to taste like butterbeer and inebriate the drinker. It also contains a confundus potion so the drinker doesn’t know they’re spilling their guts. This potion is just as strong as Veritaserum and it’s one-tenth the cost. Neither of us wanted to test this one, so we’re sending it over to you.

Thanks and You’re Welcome,

Fred and George

P.S. Try giving this to Harry, we think the results will be…interesting

Harry laughed as he read the letter. He couldn’t see one butterbeer bottle left with anything in it, so some poor sap must’ve drank it. Harry only wished he hadn’t gotten so drunk so he could remember it.

Then Harry thought what would’ve happened if he had taken it and realized he would’ve probably ended up friendless. First off, he would’ve confessed his feelings to Hermione or kissed her or something stupid like that, which would’ve been the end of that friendship. Then he probably would’ve gone on to tell Ron how he had really been feeling about him lately.

Hermione came downstairs and Harry smiled at her, admiring her natural beauty. Hermione sat down next to him and smiled at him, looking expectant. Harry said, “Wow, that must’ve been one wild party last night. I can’t remember anything!” Hermione’s face fell into a look of despair, and Harry, not noticing, gave her the letter to read. “Which poor bloke got the truth serum last night? I wish I could remember.”

When Hermione looked back up again she was smiling. “Actually, Harry…you did.”

Harry froze and swallowed noisily, then said, “A-are you sure?”

Hermione grinned slyly at him and straddled his lap, then put her arms around his neck and kissed him. “Oh, I’m sure,” she said when they broke apart.

“Oh Merlin, please tell me I’m not dreaming,” Harry breathed.

“Don’t you want to know what happened last night?” Hermione asked.

“Er…I don’t know, do I?” asked Harry nervously.

Hermione rolled her eyes and proceeded to tell him what he had done last night, and when she was finished Harry was red with embarrassment. “So let me get this straight. I kissed you, shrunk Ron’s manhood, squeezed your bum, said that I found every girl in Gryffindor attractive, and confessed my love for you in front of all of Gryffindor?”

Hermione grinned at him. “Pretty much.”

Harry grinned back at her and kissed her again. “Well, I’m glad it happened if it means I get to have you.”

“Harry,” said Hermione. “You’ve had me all along.”

They heard a shuffling noise at the stairs and turned to see Neville there, his face red. “That…er…sounded pretty intimate. I think I’ll go back upstairs.

“Wait, Neville!” Harry called, making Neville stop and turn around. “Do you want hang out in Hogsmeade with us today?”

Neville relaxed visibly. “Yeah, that sounds cool,” he said.

“And…er…Neville,” said Harry. “Thanks for being a true best mate.”

“I-I’m your best mate?” asked Neville incredulously.

“Of course. How would any of this have happened without you?” asked Harry.

“Wow,” said Neville. “Thanks.” He turned back around and headed upstairs.

Katie Bell stirred beside Harry and Hermione, who were just about to resume kissing again. She looked at them, surprised to see Hermione sitting on Harry’s lap with her lips centimeters from his, then furrowed her eyebrows. She spotted the letter on the table, glanced at where the bottle had been, took one more look at Harry and Hermione, and said, “Well, I guess I better tell the twins their drink worked.”

She headed up to the girl’s dormitories and Harry and Hermione sighed gratefully, finally allowing their lips to connect again.

A/N: Well, there you have it. My first attempt at humor…I think (was it humorous?). (With the usual smattering of fluff, of course!)

I’m not exactly sure I’m that good at humor, so I may just stick with drama and angst.

Thanks for reading and please review!