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xelan

Rating: PG13
Genres: Romance, Humor
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 5
Published: 20/09/2011
Last Updated: 20/09/2011
Status: completed

Harry and Hermione are together, their foes are defeated and everything is simply brilliant. Then why does it all seem so very odd? Read to find out. H/Hr.

Chapters

1. untitled

1. untitled

Meta

Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize – authors included.

A/N: Just a little fun. Hope you enjoy.

Special thanks to CanonCanSoddoff, and all the people at Seel’vor Yahoo Group. Also, I mustn’t forget to thank Mike. Not specifying which one because they are, as you know, legion.

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“Wait,” Hermione gasped as she drew back from Harry’s eager mouth. He had been doing wonderful things with his tongue that left her breathless, but a sudden flash of insight had forced her to pause in their mutual satisfaction - at least for a little while.

Harry was clearly confused, but his heaving chest illustrated how Hermione had likewise stolen his breath away. “But, everything’s perfect. Snape’s been dealt with, Voldemort’s a grease spot, and Dumbledore can’t interfere - plus we’re alone and unsupervised. Wait for what?”

The expression on her beloved’s face was so earnest and cutely confused, that Hermione suddenly found herself overcome with an intense, undeniable desire to gnaw on her lower lip. Not one to just allow her urges to overwhelm her, she settled for tenderly chewing on her boyfriend’s lower lip until the urge passed after a few seconds. “It’s too perfect,” she explained after composing herself. “No offense, Harry, but your luck just isn’t this good. I mean, I am beyond thrilled that we’re together and that you want to kiss me as much as I want to kiss you, but something just seems… I dunno – odd?” Her eyes lost focus as she looked inward.

Harry couldn’t dispute that. Now that she mentioned it, several things did seem odd. He knew things had happened, and he felt certain he had been involved with several of those things, but there was a strange sense of unreality to it. Not a dream, or a vision, or even a memory. It was almost as if it were a... a story!

“Omigosh!” Hermione exclaimed – her eyes swam back into focus as she too came to the same conclusion.

“What-What-What?” Harry, now beginning to worry at Hermione’s odd behavior, asked anxiously.

“Don’t you see? We’ve no perverse desires for people who are wholly unsuitable for us nor are we in badly forced relationships that exist solely to satisfy the author’s desire to vicariously fix a relationship that was doomed to failure from the onset.” She wrapped her arms around Harry’s body and briefly ground her hips to his – his reaction was predictable and almost painfully hard. “Harry, I’m sure of it now. This isn’t Heron or Chocolate Pie-”

Harry nodded.

“-I love you and you love me-”

Harry nodded vigorously.

“-and we’re here together. We MUST be in a Harmony story!” Hermione’s face was filled with contentment and practically glowed with happiness.

Harry closed his eyes, savoring the feel of her body meshing with his and smiled as his arms wrapped around her willing body. “You think so? There just aren’t enough good Harmony authors out there – what are the odds?” He opened his eyes to gaze adoringly at his girlfriend.

“I know, but nothing else makes sense,” she observed with her chin resting comfortably on Harry’s shoulder.

“True. So then, who do you think it is this time; maybe Seel’vor or Canoncansodoff?” Harry’s hopeful tone and roaming hands couldn’t help but make Hermione smile.

Hermione closed her eyes and felt the flow of the narrative. “Neither, the dialogue feels a bit too short for either of them. Perhaps Katdemon18 or Apaidan doing a oneshot?”

“We should be so lucky.” Harry also briefly closed his eyes and felt about him with entirely fictional senses. “But no, this doesn’t feel like either of their styles.” Harry glanced briefly all around. “On top of that, I’d say that the lack of a waiting harem would remove Kinsfire from the running, and it’s more proof that Canoncansodoff isn’t in charge.”

Hermione reached downward and Harry shivered noticeably. “Not disappointed, I hope.”

Harry moaned slowly. “With you here?” Harry scoffed. “I’m not even the least bit disappointed.”

Hermione grinned at the truth in his eyes. “You do make a good point; however, since I don’t see my mother here waiting to join in, I think it’s also safe to conclude HermanTumbleweed isn’t the author.”

“Any other possibilities come to mind?”

Hermione’s tongue peeked out from between her lips as she seemed to stare at something but not really see. “If we were more realistic, then I might think ChemProf was writing this-” Hermione paused in momentary contemplation“-but no, it’s not very likely, I mean, we are breaking the fourth wall.”

“Then it definitely isn’t ChemProf.” A thought occurred to Harry. “Hermione, what if we’re in a story by Marius_DarkWolf, BroomstickFlyer, or Cloneserpents?” Worry creased his forehead even as he barely whispered the names.

Hermione’s eyes widened at very mention of those names. “Well, I am feeling incredibly randy right now and I am definitely written to be kinky enough, but I’m solely and utterly devoted to you and only you... hold on a half a tick-” Hermione held up her pointer finger to his face and from her gaze, Harry immediately knew she wanted him to suck on her finger.

Several moments passed as Harry endeavored to give a good showing of himself and actually ended up lovingly sucking on every finger of the offered hand. Lust filled her eyes as she raised her moist hand up into the air as another person might test the wind currents. Seconds ticked by until she finally lowered her hand. Letting out a shaky breath as she pressed herself tighter into him, she continued, “-taking into account our current level of arousal, my singular fixation on you, and the astoundingly low level of angst-” she wiggled her finger “-then I can say with great certainty that we are not in a story written by either Marius or Cloneserpents.”

“What about BroomstickFlyer?” Harry reminded.

“I thought about that, but I’m not experiencing the normal sense of déjà vu we normally get in one of their stories.” She reached around and pulled lightly on his arm so as to guide his hand to comfortingly cup her bum. “I suppose we could be in a Derlacroix story.”

Teasingly he gave her bum a light swat. “Can’t be, if this was Derlacroix’s story, then the plot would be more interesting, and we’d have run into at least one minion.”

Hermione nodded her head. “Right, no minions as far as the eye can see. You do realize that also eliminates Bobmin, right?”

Harry sighed. “Well, I’m thinking since it isn’t Bobmin, then I suppose it could be Grenouille.”

“Oh, I wish that were the case; however, I think we’re too pointlessly wordy for Grenouille.” Hermione took the opportunity to briefly scan the room. “Professor McGongall isn’t waiting to critique the story, so this can’t be one of Old Crow’s stories... we’re running out of potential authors.”

“Is it possible we’re in a DriftWood1965 or Robst story? I mean, we’re together and from my recollection we did have quite a number of fortunate happenstances to get where we are now.”

Hermione honestly hadn’t considered either of them, the story was just so short and amateurish in comparison to their normal high level of storytelling, but a number of the signs were there. She searched her feelings and confirmed that she had absolutely no desire at all for Ron Weasley (this is a Harmony story, the author confirmed), and she also found that she didn’t mind the thought of something really terrible happening to Ron. Actually, as she considered it further, she found that she would quite enjoy MANY really terrible things happening to Ron. She shared her thoughts on the matter with Harry.

Listening dutifully as Hermione explained her reasoning as to why it could and couldn’t be Driftwood1965 or Robst, he couldn’t help intermittently stealing quick kisses from her delectable lips.

Finishing her discourse, and maddeningly aroused, she participated in and then refused to break his last quick kiss. That last kiss turned out to be anything but quick.

Pausing for a breathing break, Harry ran his fingers through her kinky hair. “While I agree there are quite a few similarities in terms of plot, this story simply lacks the originality to be something from either of them. Not that I’m complaining about all the lemony scented bits, mind you, but add to that, there hasn’t be any retaliation against Snivellous, the Weasel Trio, or Dark Dumbles.”

“No retaliation on-screen, you mean. I seem to recall that some of those ‘fortunate happenstances’ from earlier contained a number of things that could be classified as retaliation. The author must be trying to avoid talking about those events specifically so as to avoid having to write the scenes out; which would lead to a rather short story and definitely precludes this being a story by either of the two authors in question.”

Harry leaned away from Hermione just enough to begin loosening her buttons. “That is true, in fact, this story seems short enough that it might even end up being a fleshed out plot bunny instead of a one shot.

A fleshed out plot bunny... I never thought of that. Oh no... So disquieted was she, that Hermione actually froze while unbuttoning Harry’s shirt. “If this is a trumped up plot bunny, then I see two possibilities.”

Hermione’s suddenly serious tone took Harry by surprise. So surprised; in fact, that he momentarily fumbled while unfastening her bra, something that had never happened before. “What two possibilities?” a way note in his voice.

“Well, the author could be Ralph S.”

“Ralph who?”

“Ralph S., you know he’s a regular on all the Harmony groups hosted by Yahoo.”

“Oh, HIM. Does he even write fanfiction?”

“Bits here and there, yes, but this doesn’t seem to be his style. This is bad, Harry. If it isn’t Ralph, then that only leaves one other person who frequently posts plot bunnies as long as this on Seel’vor’s group.”

“You don’t think it’s...” Harry ventured with trepidation in his voice.

“I’m afraid that I do.” Hermione felt a draft as Harry began tugging on her knickers.

“You mean... Xe-“

“-No! Don’t say his name!” Hermione exclaimed as a completely inappropriate and impossible breeze sprang up, chilling her front and her bottom.

“Right, right, sorry. If it is him... well, let’s just say I hope it isn’t him.” Harry dutifully took up the task of warming those chilled spots on the love of his life.

“Misguided life debts, Norse Goddess secret identities, weird portrayals of my parents, and far too many secret weddings for my taste.” She quipped as they nuzzled cheeks together and lazily brushed lips.

“In the end, I suppose it doesn’t matter,” Harry mused as Hermione tilted her head back so he had full access to her delicately pale and lovely neck. “So long as we’re together-”

“Long live Pumpkin Pie...” They both murmured as they sank into the bed.

Shortly thereafter, several sets of clothing and two robes were tossed onto the floor. It was only then that Hermione noticed their pair of matched wedding rings.

“XELAN!”

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXx

Omakes:

Looking at all the available data, Hermione started to think out loud.
"It could be a Kinsfire story."
Harry looked at his wrists in shock. "No way."

AND

"It could be a Ralph S."

"Impossible. We'd be spending paragraphs and paragraphs trying to
explain why that simply canNOT be the case, and..."

Harry and Hermione looked at each other uncertainly. "M-moving on..."

Courtesy of Ralph S.