I Don't Want To Live

rockstar

Rating: PG13
Genres: Drama, Romance
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 7
Published: 24/08/2012
Last Updated: 24/08/2012
Status: completed

Soon it will be over and I’ll be free of this cage of unrequited love I am trapped in.

Chapters

1. I Don't Want To Live

1. I Don't Want To Live

Author's note: - Apologizing in advance for spelling and grammar mistakes. [Which I think is going to be a lot more than usual.]

Disclaimer: - I do not own Harry Potter and anyone or anything related.

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Night is cold, dark, and dreary. Clouds are hovering in the sky. I wish it would rain and wash away everyone's wound, pain, anguish, and terror. I wish it would cleanse everyone's heart, mind, and soul and take away all the hatred with it.

“Hermione,” I heard a tired unfamiliar voice calling me. I didn't respond.

“Hermione,” I heard it again, but once again, I didn't respond.

They are calling my name again and again. But I have no idea why they keep calling my name. Can't they see I want to rest?

“Hermione,” He called, I recognize that voice. It belongs to him. I could feel him, he's nearby. I cannot see him and probably he cannot see me among other bodies either, and I don't want him to see me and take me away from my resting place.

I wish they would go back, I wish he would go back, and would stop looking for me. I just don't want to get up anymore. Everything is over, war is over, and he doesn't need me anymore.

I could feel the warm blood oozing out of my body, making me feel dizzy and numb with each passing second. I could feel the smell of blood, pain, fear…war. Sky is not visible to me anymore. Perhaps my eyes are playing tricks on me or it is because the space between the sky and me is filled with dust, vapors of dried blood, and screams of people who have lost their dear ones.

They all are looking for their loved ones who have survived. But I don't understand why he is looking for me when he should be looking for her. After all, she was the one he had always wanted.

I know I am harsh towards him, but I think I have earned that much right, after all this is the last time I would be hearing his voice and the last time I would be thinking about him. For the last time I can be honest with him and ask him, even if just in my thoughts, that he should have chosen me, that it was me, who stood by him at every step from the very beginning, not her. Then why is she so important to him and not me?

I could feel the darkness enclosing around me. Soon it will be over and I'll be free of this cage of unrequited love I am trapped in.

However, I am still left with few moments until my end arrives. I can spend these moments remembering the times I had with him. Those times might not have meant much for him, but they gave me a purpose to live, a purpose to move forward, a purpose to fight alongside him and for him, and now that purpose has been fulfilled. I can rest now without feeling guilty.

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We had always been there for each other. He was the one I always needed, but I wasn't the one he needed. He needed her, but she wasn't there, I was, so he took me in.

It all had started with a kiss, probably a kiss of my doom, my suffering, my pain, my joy...and my love.

I remember the first time he kissed me. He had this bad habit of blaming himself for everything bad that would happen to his friends.

We were at Grimmauld Place and working with Order of phoenix to locate the Horcruxes. Order had received the information from their secret sources about the hiding place of some death eaters. It was a trap. He had almost lost his first friend ever, Hagrid.

Hagrid was immediately taken to the school infirmary. However, Hagrid never woke up after that; curse he was hit with had put him in a state of coma, although thanks to god and intense efforts on the part of Madam Promfrey, he woke up one month after the incident.

But the day it happened, he was angry, very angry, and as he always does, he blamed himself. He locked himself in a room and everyone could hear the effects of his uncontrollable magic, things were thrashed around, window glasses were broken, and a strangled scream was enough to stop everyone to go near him. She wasn't there that moment to help him, I was. So I went to his room. Others said that I should leave him alone, the one thing that I couldn't do even if my life depended on it.

I didn't knock, just barged in with an Alohomora. He asked me to leave, I didn't. He screamed, and I remained quiet. I hugged him, he tightened his hold on me and next moment I don't know how this happened, but we were kissing.

We kissed and kissed and kissed, and never stopped after that until I was lying under him naked, with him deep inside me. That was first time for both of us, I know. It was a satisfaction for me that it was me, who was his first, not her. And that's how it all started.

I don't know if days after that would be called my downward spiral or upward spiral. I was utterly, unreservedly consumed by him. I felt him everywhere, inside me, around me. I felt him in the blood coursing through my veins; I felt his smell in the oxygen I inhaled; I felt him in the thoughts I was thinking.

He was the only one I could think about. Only thing I could remember was his caresses when he would kiss me, his warm breath on my neck when he would come inside me, his tight grip on my hips when he would press me against the wall and bury himself deep inside me, him trembles when he would hug me tightly, and his tears when my shoulder would get damp. He had become the center of my universe, where there were only two people, him, and me.

We had become each other's escape route, a way to vent out our grief, frustration, anger, pain, and one more thing in my case, my unrequited love.

I don't know what we were, lovers, or shagging buddies. But whatever it was I wanted it to be something more and wanted to make it last forever.

All those times we were together as one, we never spoke. He never said those three words I so longed to hear, something that never happened and I know that can never happen in this lifetime for me.

Then she came and everything fell apart. She wanted to take him away from me, but I couldn't let him go. She told me that he didn't want me. But he couldn't say it to me because he didn't want to hurt me.

Did he know I was hurting from the very start?

She hugged me and cried with me. She apologized to me that she was taking him away from me. She said that he wanted to go with her. She said that it was for the best that I come out of my illusions and let him go. She said that he was grateful for everything I did for him, but now was the time to stop.

I couldn't tell her that I didn't know how to stop, that I had no breaks in the car of my life to stop. Only thing that could happen now was that I would fall, crash and burn.

Then we stopped. He never came back to me, maybe because he was with her. I never saw them together though, but once I heard her talking to her mother about how much he loved her.

It hurt that he never said those words to me. I don't know how I felt in that moment, maybe I was broken.

Then I laughed, as I remembered that I was broken from the very start because I knew he would never be mine.

Lucky I was, as this pain didn't last long, as I didn't have any time to drown myself in my sorrows.

Voldemort attacked Hogwarts. Everyone knew that this was most likely going to be the last battle of their life, whether they win or lose.

Everyone was fighting, curses were flying everywhere, trolls, and giants were demolishing the school, and people were falling from both the sides. Everything was blurred. I don't remember when I was hit with a curse and started bleeding. Only thing I could remember was that I felt my body getting heavier, my legs couldn't hold it anymore, and then, I fell down.

All was silent around me. I could hear nothing except a buzzing sound as though if somebody was trying to play a broken radio. I felt as though if my whole life was flashing before my eyes. They sat that it happens when your end is near. I hope that's the case with me.

I just don't want to live anymore. I don't want to live a life, where he is not the part of it, where he doesn't love me, where…..I could feel the tears in my eyes. I just can't take it anymore. I want it to end. I don't want to think anymore, I don't want to remember anymore. I wish I would die before they find me, before he finds me, though I wish I could see him one last time.

He has found me; he's shaking me, touching my face, calling my name. I couldn't see his face anymore, darkness has fallen upon me...…I am at peace now.

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Hermione slowly opened her eyes. She immediately closed her eyes as bright light flashed before her eyes. Her head was pounding as though if somebody had hit her on the head with a sledgehammer.

After sometime, she once again opened her eyes and after adjusting her eyes to the light, she opened them fully.

Room was white and felt familiar. She tried to remember what this place was, but was finding it a very tiring job, so she stopped trying.

“Am I dead?” She mused loudly as she closed her eyes, hoping that it was true. She rested there waiting for somebody to answer, maybe an angel or demon. However, she had no idea if somebody was there with her or not.

She waited and waited, and then she heard somebody come and stand next to her bed.

She slowly opened her eyes and found herself staring at a pair of intense and amused emerald green eyes. She frowned thinking who it was, and then she remembered.

“Harry!” She exclaimed loudly. She tried to sit and immediately her head started spinning. Two strong hands grabbed her shoulders and slowly helped her in sitting comfortably with her back against the pillow.

Hermione closed her eyes and once she was sure that she would not feel dizzy again, she opened her eyes and looked at her best friend.

“Harry, what are you doing here?” Hermione blurted out.

“I am glad you remember my name, Ms. Granger. Answer to your first question is, no, you are not dead. And to your second question, you are at St. Mungo.” Harry replied with an amused smile, sitting on the edge of Hermione's bed.

Hermione simply stared at him, unable to say anything. She just couldn't take her eyes away from his face, where a smile was gracing his lips. She didn't remember the last time she had seen him smile, really smile. She wanted to commit this memory to her mind forever.

She raised her hand and touched his cheek with her fingertips.

“You are smiling.” She said with wonder.

His face turned serious. He covered her hand on his cheek, with his own hand.

“Yes, I am, thanks to you.” Harry replied in a heartfelt voice.

Hermione smiled. Then she realized that she was alive and tears welled up in her eyes.

“Hermione, what happened?” Harry asked in a concerned voice.

“I don't want to live.” She said as tears rolled down her cheek.

“What do you mean?” Harry asked sharply.

She didn't know how she could explain him why she didn't want to live. She knew if she told him the real reason, only thing she would get in return would be his sympathy and she didn't want that.

“Just leave me alone, Harry.” Hermione said. She dropped her hand from his cheek and looked away from him.

“You just can't expect me to leave you alone, after what you just said.” Harry said fiercely, holding Hermione's chin with his fingers and forcing her to look at him.

Hermione pulled away from him. “Why do you care anyways? Why don't you just go to your precious Ginny, huh? I am sure she would be waiting for you with open arms and in a wedding dress on the altar.” She said harshly.

“Have you lost your mind? What the hell are you talking about?” Harry almost shouted.

“Don't act like you don't know what I am talking about.” Hermione said furiously.

“Because I don't know,” Harry said with a sarcastic smile.

Hermione opened her mouth to speak, but Harry stopped her with a hard kiss.

After what seemed like hours, they both pulled apart. Harry rested his forehead against hers and looked deeply into her eyes.

“I don't know where you got this idea, but, I am not with Ginny. We broke up before the Horcrux hunt started and I am not going back to her. I thought you knew about this.” He said pulling back, “And I love you.” He added the last part with a smile.

Then he kissed her again. He took both her hands and put them around his neck. Then, he slipped his arms around her waist and pulled her closer, deepening the kiss. Hermione tightened her arms around his neck and pressed herself against him, sitting almost on his lap.

Hermione felt his fingers slip under her loose shirt and trace light circles on her lower back. She shivered at the contact. She pulled back from the kiss and buried her face in Harry's chest.

“I love you too.” She murmured in his chest.

“What?” Harry asked.

Hermione looked up at Harry. “I love you too.” She said softly.

Harry grinned at her roguishly and pulled her back in a passionate kiss. They pulled apart when breathing became a necessary issue.

“You gave me quite a scare today.” He said in a tender voice, giving her a light kiss.

“I am sorry,” She said sincerely, “I just didn't want to live without you and I…I don't know what I was thinking. Please forgive me.”

She started crying as the pain of last few days surfaced itself. Harry didn't say anything, he simply held her close like she had done so many times for him.

Once her sobbing subsided, Harry started speaking.

“I am sorry for hurting you so much. I…” Hermione placed a finger on his lips.

“It's all in the past now and doesn't matter anymore. What matters now is that you are here with me and you love me.” She said caressing his cheek.

Harry simply nodded and hugged her. “And don't you dare to think about leaving me ever again.” He whispered in her ear.

“Never ever,” Hermione promised.

They both remained like that, in each other's arms for quite some time.

After some time Harry pulled back, but didn't let go of Hermione from his embrace.

He looked at Hermione.

“You know, I just can't wait to have you back in my bed at Grimmauld Place, so that I can have my way with you.” He said with a cheeky grin.

Hermione simply stared at him and then she started laughing. She leaned towards him and kissed his forehead.

“I love you, Harry Potter.” She said with a wide smile and then she pulled him in a kiss that would be etched in his mind forever.

She just couldn't believe Harry loved her. It was like she had died and then she was born again. She felt stupid for believing the fake words of a manipulative girl like Ginny.

She knew when she would go out to face the real world, she would have to face Ginny as well. And this time she was going to give back as good as she received. Ginny wouldn't even know what hit her.

However, right now she didn't want to think about anything else other than the boy who was kissing her, making her feel like the luckiest girl in the whole universe.

Now I can say I am not hurt and broken anymore.

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Author's note: - This is the first time I have tried something of this type. So please tell me what you think of this. I am looking forward to your REVIEWS.

And should I rate it R?

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