Let You Sleep

Jamie Vaughn Normal Jamie Vaughn 6 50 2003-08-29T11:32:00Z 2003-08-29T12:42:00Z 1 1523 8687 72 20 10190 10.2625 Clean Clean MicrosoftInternetExplorer4

Author's Note: This is a one-shot Lily/James fic. It gave me terrible trouble while I was trying to write it. The idea had been bouncing around my head for quite some time, so finally I wrote it out. James watches Lily as she sleeps and thinks of all the reason why he doesn't want to wake her.

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters and I'm making no money.

Let You Sleep

Dear Lily,

It should seem strange that I am writing you a letter. I could just as easily walk over to the bed and wake you. I could gently shake your shoulder until your eyes snap open. I can't wake you. I don't want to see fear in your pretty green eyes. Waking you at three o'clock in the morning would alarm you. You would think that something terrible has happened. I don't want to scare you, Lily. I'll just be content with writing you this letter and letting you sleep.

You're so beautiful when you sleep. Your hair is all over the pillow, and when you wake up in the morning you'll complain about it being a mess. Your chest rises and falls as you take steady breaths. I look at your face and I wonder how the world around us can be in such a state. You look so perfect, so peaceful, but just outside our window, the world is collapsing. Our friends are dying, risking their lives, but you don't know anything about that at the moment.

You smile a little when you sleep. I can only hope that you are having pleasant dreams. Much more pleasant than the reality that you would wake up to. I hope you are dreaming of a future for us, and that we are both there. That we are surrounded by our friends and that we are all safe. I hope that your dreams will get you through this. If I had the power, I would let you sleep until this is over. I would let you live inside your dreams until I am certain that they can become a reality. I could never imagine waking you in the middle of the night. Right now you are lost to the world. You don't know the dangers facing us. You don't care that Voldemort is taking over. When you sleep, you don't know anything about the war. You don't toss and turn like I do. Nothing seems to worry you, Lily, and I love you for that. You are my foundation. You've kept me sane for the past few years, and I want to thank you so much for that.

Before you clicked off the lamp on your side of the bed a few hours ago, I told you that I was scared. You smiled at me and told me not to be. You said that this would all be over soon. I want to believe you, Lily, but I see no end in sight. I can only think that this has just begun. I'm scared for all of us. For you and me, Sirius, Remus, Peter, and the rest of the Order. We are risking so much to fight this. I can't bear to think what would happen if I lost one of you. But I also can't bear to think about what would happen if I were to die. You would be alone. You'd have our friends, but I know you'd be lost, just like me.

I can't even think about that possibility as I watch your hand move in your sleep. You moved a little and brought it to rest on your stomach. Another reason why I can't wake you. You need your sleep. Eight months pregnant can't be very comfortable. Our child needs you, Lily. You're going to be a perfect mother. I hope our child can survive this war with us. There is always a chance that something might happen to one or, Merlin forbid, both of us. I almost feel guilty for bringing a child into the world now. Nothing is certain anymore. Then I think of you, and how excited you are. I can't wait for this month to be over. I want to meet our little boy.

I'm looking forward to it. Being a parent, that is. We've decided on Harry as his name after a big row over you wanting to call him James. I couldn't do that to the poor kid. I know he's going to be perfect, just like you. I haven't been able to sleep since you told me you were pregnant. I've been staring up at the ceiling thinking about all we have to look forward to. I see you smiling beside me as we watch him take his first steps. A sparkle in his eye when I hand him his first broomstick and teach him all about quidditch. Maybe he'll be a chaser like his dad. Then you're dragging him in to Madam Malkin's to buy school robes. It's going to break my heart to have him away so much when he starts Hogwarts, but I know he'll have a wonderful time and make great friends like we did. I see him stepping on that train and waving goodbye. He'll be a Gryffindor, I know that for sure. And I'll sneak him the Invisibility Cloak when you aren’t looking.

Yes, he'll be in Gryffindor and he'll sleep in my old dorm room. I hope he will make friends like I did. Great friends like Sirius and Remus. Sirius was very excited when I asked him to be Harry's godfather. He nearly started crying! I don't think I've ever seen him that emotional. Remus totally understood my choosing Sirius and instead of him. He said he was relieved. Now he can have the fun and none of the responsibility. I worry about Remus. They're passing a lot of new laws dealing with werewolves and none of them are in his favor. Maybe things will better for him when this war is over. Peter didn't mind either, that I chose Sirius. He said he was busy lately and didn't have time to help take care of a baby. He really has been busy. It's not like him to have so much to do. I guess keeping busy is his way of dealing with the stress of things. He's never been very good at dueling, and I wonder sometimes how much longer he'll last in this. Sirius says that Peter isn't being honest with us, but lately we've all been looking over our shoulders.

The whole world has turned upside and best friends can't trust each other anymore. I hope Harry never has to deal with things like this. Not knowing who's on your side and who's against you. I look people in the face at the Ministry and I don't know who they're working for. I look in their eyes to see if I recognize them from a Death Eaters hood. It's like an alternate universe; things shouldn't be the way they are. I won't continue to worry you over this. I think somehow you're reading my thoughts. All of a sudden there is a frown on your face and your brow is wrinkled annoyance. I can hear you telling me to stop worrying and to enjoy the good things we have, not to dwell on the unfortunate.

Of course that is just one reason you are now frowning. The other might be the sudden beam of light that has fallen over your face through the opened curtain. No doubt that the noise from Sirius' motorcycle has disturbed your beautiful dreams. He's just opened the front door now and is making his way, as loudly as possible, up the stairs. I will be so happy when we move into a more permanent residence. That house in Godric's Hollow was perfect. Room for us and Harry, not to mention a spare bedroom for Sirius...I agree with you, Lily, he will never settle down. Maybe we can build him a room over the broom shed. He's clicked on the light in the bathroom after running into counter like he does every night and saying very loudly something that I shall not repeat here. I love him like a brother, Lily, but I swear if he wakes you up I'm going to kill him.

I've been thinking about that house in Godric's Hollow a lot lately. It really is perfect for us. I've picked out which room will be Harry's. The one on the second floor with the huge tree at the window. I see a crib in the corner and lot's of blue baby things. I'll leave the decorating to you. The yard was really beautiful. Just the place to teach Harry how to fly. He'll have the best broomstick money can buy, and don't you dare tell me not to spoil him. Even if I don't, there will be plenty of people who will. He'll be a happy little boy.

I am relieved to see that you are no longer frowning and whatever unpleasantness you encountered in your dream is gone. Your dreams are no place for unhappy thoughts. Your dreams are getting us through this. Now you’re smiling again and your sleep is becoming restless. You're tossing and turning, which I know can't be easy for you. You're not tossing and turning in terror, no, you aren't having nightmares. You're moving around restlessly as though something exciting is about to happen and you can't wait for it.

Maybe you're thinking about our house. Maybe you're thinking about Harry. Perhaps in your dream the nurse is handing you a new born baby. You could just be dreaming about our future in general, and all we have to look forward to. You look really happy now, so that must be it. Perhaps you've found a way to stop the war and assure that we have those dreams and make them real.

I’ll have to ask you in the morning what makes you smile when you sleep. You can tell me about your dreams and maybe a way to stop the war. I know you see things in your sleep that I could never imagine and I want you to tell me all about them. But that will have to wait until you wake up in the morning and turn you head towards mine, and we rest on our pillows, staring into each other’s eyes. You’ll ask me if I’ve been up all night and I will tell you yes. And we will have the discussion we have almost every morning when you wake up and find me looking at you.

You think I need my rest, and I agree with you. You’ll tell me a million reasons why. I have work to do for the Order, I’m going to be a father soon, and I need to be healthy for the baby. I’ll tell you I’m just getting ready for the late night feedings and rocking Harry to sleep. You’ll then say another million things and I will hear very few of them because I’m only focusing on that sparkle in your pretty green eyes. I hope Harry has your eyes.

I’ll stare into your eyes until I begin drifting off to sleep, picking up inside the dreams where you just left off, but not before I ask you, Lily, to keep your dreams alive. And not before I thank you for loving me and having faith when I can’t. And not before I hand you this letter, sealed with my love. I love you, Lily, but I can’t tell you until you wake up in the morning, because right now, I’m just going to let you sleep.

With Love,

James

Author's Note: I know I said that this was to be a one-shot, but I felt like Lily needed to answer James's letter. So here you have it. Her response to what he wrote to her.

Lily's Reply

Dear James,

I woke up this morning and was a little alarmed to find you not beside me. I was more disappointed, actually, that you weren't there. The best part of my day is in the morning when I wake up and find you smiling at me. Even if your eyes are tired and you yawn more than you speak. I still love seeing you there. You used to mess up your hair so it would look like you just jumped off your broomstick, but it looks much better after a night of tossing and turning on your pillow. You there beside me, it's a constant in this world full of uncertainties. I know when I wake up in the morning; you will be there beside me.

There is something that troubles me about the mornings, though. It's your eyes. They're so lovely, James, but they look so tired after you haven't slept. I can see behind them to the nightmares you've avoided by staying awake all night, and there's nothing I can do about them. Sometimes I think you'll let them spill out and you'll cry your troubles out on my shoulder, but that never happens. You keep it bottled in the best you can. I wish I could get you to sleep comfortably beside me like you used to. I don't like the empty space in the bed, the little groove you've formed for yourself.

I sat up in the bed and you were slouched over our desk, asleep for once, but looking very uncomfortable. Your back is going to be very sore when you wake up, and you've gotten ink all over the place, trying to write a letter in the dark. It's all over your hands and you've smudged a bit on your nose trying to keep your glasses up. When I walked over to you I saw the letter you had been writing. It was underneath your hand and in between your fingers I could read "To Lily" written in your favorite green ink. You used to tell me that it reminded you of my eyes. Then I'd tell you to stop trying to flatter me, James Potter, because it's not going to work. You and I both know that wasn't the truth then, and it still isn't.

I almost want to shake you awake so you can tell me how my eyes are pools of emerald ink. I never knew how you could say things like that and never crack a smile. Everything you said to me was so sincere, and that almost makes me reach out for your shoulder, but I don't. Instead I tugged at the corner of the envelope. It was stuck to the palm of your hand. I tried to get it without disturbing your sleep, and eventually I tugged it free, but not before you turned your head a little. You were still asleep, and smiling with a silly little grin. I knew then that it would be okay.

I felt almost guilty ripping open the seal. I didn't know if you wanted me to see this or not. It had my name on it, so I opened it anyway. As interested as I was in what you had to say, the smell of coffee was floating in from underneath the door, so I went into the kitchen. Remus is going to make a nice little house-wife someday, don't you think? Although he's not a morning person. I said told him good morning and thanks for making the coffee and he just sort of grunted in my general direction and walked off to take a shower. Sometimes I'm glad we live in this little apartment with our friends, but I can't wait until we get a house of our own.

Coffee in hand I went back to our room to read your letter. I wondered what you had to say to me that you hadn't already. Something that you couldn't tell me in person, for some reason you had to write it down. I knew it was important and that it set your mind at ease. You were sleeping like you had not slept in a very long time. I unfolded the parchment and saw your smudged finger prints all around the edges. Your handwriting very neat. Every line and letter written with a purpose. The edges of the letters almost perfectly straight, but leaning a little to the right. Sloppy here and there because you were so tired when you wrote it. I propped the letter on my belly and sipped my coffee. I love Harry, and I can't wait until he's born, but I imagine he won't be as useful to prop things up on anymore. If there's something I'll miss about being pregnant, it's that.

Your letter was so beautiful, James. If it's possible, it made me love you more. I've never felt such strong emotion in my entire life. Not when you asked me to marry you, and not even the day we exchanged vows. There was something of you on those pages and in that ink. Something I knew you always had in you, but you'd never shown me before. Your compliments put tears in my eyes. I have always known that we loved each other, but to read these words from you put a sort of seal on it. A thousand thoughts rushed into my mind about us. I realized there was a bond there that couldn't be broken. You don't have to feel bad about Harry being born into a world full of such chaos, because we'll be there and he will know stability and love no matter what happens.

I did have pleasant dreams last night. Very nice ones about us and our friends and our son. I can't remember clearly what happened, but I know we were there. Sirius, Remus and Peter were there with us, and we were all happy. I thank you for not waking me. Sometimes I'd rather live in a dream world full of fantasy. A place where no harm can come to us and where we know what is going to happen from day to day. A world that is not plagued by evil. Somewhere we can live and trust again. I don't want to stay there alone and let you fight the battles of reality without me. That's why I wish you could sleep. We could dream together and escape from the killing and betrayal of our world. But as a wise old man once told us, it does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live. We have to make the best of what's around us, and I believe we've done that with little Harry.

As hard as it is carrying around another person in my stomach, or there about, I sometimes wish he could stay there for a little longer. I know he's safe there as along as I am, and I'm safe because you're protecting me. But then I read your letter and I know that I'll be much happier once Harry arrives. I hope we do all the things you told me about. I can't wait to drag him by the ear into Madam Malkin's and make him try on robe after robe. He'll be as stubborn as you are, I know it. I'm going to cry my eyes out on that platform when he takes his first trip to Hogwarts. I won't want to let go of him, but I know you're right, he'll be just as happy as we were there. I know he's got some great friends in his future. Friends in Gryffindor, the only house he could possibly be sorted into, or else his godfather might disown him.

I don't know if you've noticed the pride Sirius is taking in the boy. You'd think he had a part in creating him. He's more anxious than we are. Every second he has the chance, he asks me when I think it'll be. Patience is something that Sirius Black has never mastered. I know he was excited about being Harry's godfather. He doesn't want us to move out. I think he wants us to stay here so he can watch Harry grow with us. I knew Remus would be okay with it. He understands the situation, and had we offered, I think he might have refused. I worry about him, too. He's strong despite his weaknesses and I know he'll make it through this. I know Peter hasn't been around a lot lately, but I don't think we need to start getting suspicious of every little thing. We've all got to stick together and trust each other, or we'll be completely lost. If we stay true to each other, we'll have nothing to worry about. There is always hope, James.

I wish I could tell you that I found answers in my sleep, or anywhere else, for that matter. I want to hug you and put my hands in your hair and whisper into your ear that everything is going to be okay. I want to find the magic that can solve this awful problem, a way to get rid of Voldemort and everything he has done. It breaks my heart to tell you that I can't. I know you depend on me, James, to be there for you, and I always will. I'll be there the best that I can and I'll stand beside you, as you do for me, and we'll hold each other up. I'm scared just like you are, but we mustn't let that fear drive our actions. I don't even want to think about one of us dying. I'm certain that I could not live without you. I could not raise our Harry by myself. I don't want you to be left alone either. It's better to live the time we do have to its fullest, and to not think for a moment about the terrible things that might happen. I know that the possibility is always there, but that is not something that one wants to be constantly reminded of. Try to keep those thoughts away. We'll be together, we'll be happy, James. Though I don't know how or when, I know one day all of this will be over.

You're still asleep at the desk and I know you're enjoying the perfect world of your dreams. I'll do you the same favor you did me, and let you sleep there as long as you can. Sirius is at it again. He's banging on the bathroom door telling Remus to hurry up and get his arse out of there. I don't want him to wake you. I want you to sleep and dream about that lovely house in Godric's Hollow. I think we'll get it, it really is perfect. Your visions for Harry's room are exactly what I see, and I'm glad you'll leave the decorating for me to handle. For a few scared moments I considered what might happen if you and the boys tried to surprise me by doing it by yourselves. That was not a pleasant mental picture. But then I saw you teaching Harry to ride a broom and quizzing him on quidditch positions and stats about your favorite team. I see a house full of happiness and a little room over the broom shed for Sirius and his motorbike. Not to mention the permanent dent in the couch from Remus sleeping on it so often.

I don't know why I was frowning in my sleep, or why I was tossing and turning in excitement. Maybe I was dreaming that a nurse was handing me a new born baby. I didn't hear Sirius come in last night, I never do. I don't think his noise this morning is going to wake you either. You're smiling in your sleep now, just as you said I did, and you look perfect. I know what makes you smile while you sleep. That's no great mystery to me. You're dreaming of spoiling your little boy with quality broomsticks and fine robes. About giving him the Invisibility Cloak and teaching him how to work the Marauder's Map. About living a long, happy life, loving your wife and your friends. I want to let you live in those dreams until I can make them real, just as you wanted to do for me, but I have a feeling neither one of us could do this by ourselves. We need each other, awake in and aware of the reality of the things going on around us, but clinging hopefully to the chance that things will be turn out for the best.

We do need each other and all the support from our friends we can get. And they need us as well. The only way to fight the chaos and the crumbling world is to meet it head on with strength and a belief that we can defeat it. I love you, James, and that fact will never change, no matter what might happen to us. I believe in that as strongly as I believe in the solid nature of the earth. It will always be there to stand upon. It's not dreams of a wonderful future together that will get us through; it's believing that there is something, or someone, worth fighting for.

It's painful to watch you breathe with that horrible twist in your neck and back. That chair is no place for sleeping. I've let you sleep long enough, and now I'll have to wake you. I'd much rather throw a blanket over your shoulders, or just lead you over to the bed, but I can't. There is work to be done and the morning is moving more rapidly by us. I'll wake you up and we'll face whatever comes together. Hand in hand, like we've always been. We've got something to fight for and something to protect, and right now he's trying to kick his way out of my belly. I can't sit still and write any longer. I have to get up, as do you. Dumbledore was right, James, it does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live, but I have a feeling we can do something to make those dreams seem closer to becoming our reality. Don't forget, James Potter, how much I love you.

Yours Always,

Lily