Let You Sleep by ravenluna

Rating: G
Genres: Drama, Romance
Relationships: Lily & James
Book: Lily & James, Books 1 - 4
Published: 29/08/2003
Last Updated: 17/12/2003
Status: Completed

James writes Lily a letter one night when he can't get to sleep. As he watches her sleeping,
he tells her all the reasons why he can't wake her, and looks forward to their future together.
One-shot.




1. Let You Sleep
----------------

Jamie Vaughn Normal Jamie Vaughn 6 50 2003-08-29T11:32:00Z 2003-08-29T12:42:00Z 1 1523 8687 72
20 10190 10.2625 Clean Clean MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 

**Author's Note:** This is a one-shot Lily/James fic. It gave me terrible trouble while I
was trying to write it. The idea had been bouncing around my head for quite some time, so finally I
wrote it out. James watches Lily as she sleeps and thinks of all the reason why he doesn't want
to wake her.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the characters and I'm making no money.

**Let You Sleep**

Dear Lily,

It should seem strange that I am writing you a letter. I could just as easily walk over to the
bed and wake you. I could gently shake your shoulder until your eyes snap open. I can't wake
you. I don't want to see fear in your pretty green eyes. Waking you at three o'clock in the
morning would alarm you. You would think that something terrible has happened. I don't want to
scare you, Lily. I'll just be content with writing you this letter and letting you sleep.

You're so beautiful when you sleep. Your hair is all over the pillow, and when you wake up
in the morning you'll complain about it being a mess. Your chest rises and falls as you take
steady breaths. I look at your face and I wonder how the world around us can be in such a state.
You look so perfect, so peaceful, but just outside our window, the world is collapsing. Our friends
are dying, risking their lives, but you don't know anything about that at the moment.

You smile a little when you sleep. I can only hope that you are having pleasant dreams. Much
more pleasant than the reality that you would wake up to. I hope you are dreaming of a future for
us, and that we are both there. That we are surrounded by our friends and that we are all safe. I
hope that your dreams will get you through this. If I had the power, I would let you sleep until
this is over. I would let you live inside your dreams until I am certain that they can become a
reality. I could never imagine waking you in the middle of the night. Right now you are lost to the
world. You don't know the dangers facing us. You don't care that Voldemort is taking over.
When you sleep, you don't know anything about the war. You don't toss and turn like I do.
Nothing seems to worry you, Lily, and I love you for that. You are my foundation. You've kept
me sane for the past few years, and I want to thank you so much for that.

Before you clicked off the lamp on your side of the bed a few hours ago, I told you that I was
scared. You smiled at me and told me not to be. You said that this would all be over soon. I want
to believe you, Lily, but I see no end in sight. I can only think that this has just begun. I'm
scared for all of us. For you and me, Sirius, Remus, Peter, and the rest of the Order. We are
risking so much to fight this. I can't bear to think what would happen if I lost one of you.
But I also can't bear to think about what would happen if I were to die. You would be alone.
You'd have our friends, but I know you'd be lost, just like me.

I can't even think about that possibility as I watch your hand move in your sleep. You moved
a little and brought it to rest on your stomach. Another reason why I can't wake you. You need
your sleep. Eight months pregnant can't be very comfortable. Our child needs you, Lily.
You're going to be a perfect mother. I hope our child can survive this war with us. There is
always a chance that something might happen to one or, Merlin forbid, both of us. I almost feel
guilty for bringing a child into the world now. Nothing is certain anymore. Then I think of you,
and how excited you are. I can't wait for this month to be over. I want to meet our little
boy.

I'm looking forward to it. Being a parent, that is. We've decided on Harry as his name
after a big row over you wanting to call him James. I couldn't do that to the poor kid. I know
he's going to be perfect, just like you. I haven't been able to sleep since you told me you
were pregnant. I've been staring up at the ceiling thinking about all we have to look forward
to. I see you smiling beside me as we watch him take his first steps. A sparkle in his eye when I
hand him his first broomstick and teach him all about quidditch. Maybe he'll be a chaser like
his dad. Then you're dragging him in to Madam Malkin's to buy school robes. It's going
to break my heart to have him away so much when he starts Hogwarts, but I know he'll have a
wonderful time and make great friends like we did. I see him stepping on that train and waving
goodbye. He'll be a Gryffindor, I know that for sure. And I'll sneak him the Invisibility
Cloak when you aren’t looking.

Yes, he'll be in Gryffindor and he'll sleep in my old dorm room. I hope he will make
friends like I did. Great friends like Sirius and Remus. Sirius was very excited when I asked him
to be Harry's godfather. He nearly started crying! I don't think I've ever seen him
that emotional. Remus totally understood my choosing Sirius and instead of him. He said he was
relieved. Now he can have the fun and none of the responsibility. I worry about Remus. They're
passing a lot of new laws dealing with werewolves and none of them are in his favor. Maybe things
will better for him when this war is over. Peter didn't mind either, that I chose Sirius. He
said he was busy lately and didn't have time to help take care of a baby. He really has been
busy. It's not like him to have so much to do. I guess keeping busy is his way of dealing with
the stress of things. He's never been very good at dueling, and I wonder sometimes how much
longer he'll last in this. Sirius says that Peter isn't being honest with us, but lately
we've all been looking over our shoulders.

The whole world has turned upside and best friends can't trust each other anymore. I hope
Harry never has to deal with things like this. Not knowing who's on your side and who's
against you. I look people in the face at the Ministry and I don't know who they're working
for. I look in their eyes to see if I recognize them from a Death Eaters hood. It's like an
alternate universe; things shouldn't be the way they are. I won't continue to worry you
over this. I think somehow you're reading my thoughts. All of a sudden there is a frown on your
face and your brow is wrinkled annoyance. I can hear you telling me to stop worrying and to enjoy
the good things we have, not to dwell on the unfortunate.

Of course that is just one reason you are now frowning. The other might be the sudden beam of
light that has fallen over your face through the opened curtain. No doubt that the noise from
Sirius' motorcycle has disturbed your beautiful dreams. He's just opened the front door now
and is making his way, as loudly as possible, up the stairs. I will be so happy when we move into a
more permanent residence. That house in Godric's Hollow was perfect. Room for us and Harry, not
to mention a spare bedroom for Sirius...I agree with you, Lily, he will never settle down. Maybe we
can build him a room over the broom shed. He's clicked on the light in the bathroom after
running into counter like he does every night and saying very loudly something that I shall not
repeat here. I love him like a brother, Lily, but I swear if he wakes you up I'm going to kill
him.

I've been thinking about that house in Godric's Hollow a lot lately. It really is
perfect for us. I've picked out which room will be Harry's. The one on the second floor
with the huge tree at the window. I see a crib in the corner and lot's of blue baby things.
I'll leave the decorating to you. The yard was really beautiful. Just the place to teach Harry
how to fly. He'll have the best broomstick money can buy, and don't you dare tell me not to
spoil him. Even if I don't, there will be plenty of people who will. He'll be a happy
little boy.

I am relieved to see that you are no longer frowning and whatever unpleasantness you encountered
in your dream is gone. Your dreams are no place for unhappy thoughts. Your dreams are getting us
through this. Now you’re smiling again and your sleep is becoming restless. You're tossing and
turning, which I know can't be easy for you. You're not tossing and turning in terror, no,
you aren't having nightmares. You're moving around restlessly as though something exciting
is about to happen and you can't wait for it.

Maybe you're thinking about our house. Maybe you're thinking about Harry. Perhaps in
your dream the nurse is handing you a new born baby. You could just be dreaming about our future in
general, and all we have to look forward to. You look really happy now, so that must be it. Perhaps
you've found a way to stop the war and assure that we have those dreams and make them real.

I’ll have to ask you in the morning what makes you smile when you sleep. You can tell me about
your dreams and maybe a way to stop the war. I know you see things in your sleep that I could never
imagine and I want you to tell me all about them. But that will have to wait until you wake up in
the morning and turn you head towards mine, and we rest on our pillows, staring into each other’s
eyes. You’ll ask me if I’ve been up all night and I will tell you yes. And we will have the
discussion we have almost every morning when you wake up and find me looking at you.

You think I need my rest, and I agree with you. You’ll tell me a million reasons why. I have
work to do for the Order, I’m going to be a father soon, and I need to be healthy for the baby.
I’ll tell you I’m just getting ready for the late night feedings and rocking Harry to sleep. You’ll
then say another million things and I will hear very few of them because I’m only focusing on that
sparkle in your pretty green eyes. I hope Harry has your eyes.

I’ll stare into your eyes until I begin drifting off to sleep, picking up inside the dreams
where you just left off, but not before I ask you, Lily, to keep your dreams alive. And not before
I thank you for loving me and having faith when I can’t. And not before I hand you this letter,
sealed with my love. I love you, Lily, but I can’t tell you until you wake up in the morning,
because right now, I’m just going to let you sleep.

With Love,

James



2. Lily
-------

Author's Note: I know I said that this was to be a one-shot, but I felt like Lily needed to
answer James's letter. So here you have it. Her response to what he wrote to her.

Lily's Reply

Dear James,

I woke up this morning and was a little alarmed to find you not beside me. I was more disappointed,
actually, that you weren't there. The best part of my day is in the morning when I wake up and
find you smiling at me. Even if your eyes are tired and you yawn more than you speak. I still love
seeing you there. You used to mess up your hair so it would look like you just jumped off your
broomstick, but it looks much better after a night of tossing and turning on your pillow. You there
beside me, it's a constant in this world full of uncertainties. I know when I wake up in the
morning; you will be there beside me.

There is something that troubles me about the mornings, though. It's your eyes. They're so
lovely, James, but they look so tired after you haven't slept. I can see behind them to the
nightmares you've avoided by staying awake all night, and there's nothing I can do about
them. Sometimes I think you'll let them spill out and you'll cry your troubles out on my
shoulder, but that never happens. You keep it bottled in the best you can. I wish I could get you
to sleep comfortably beside me like you used to. I don't like the empty space in the bed, the
little groove you've formed for yourself.

I sat up in the bed and you were slouched over our desk, asleep for once, but looking very
uncomfortable. Your back is going to be very sore when you wake up, and you've gotten ink all
over the place, trying to write a letter in the dark. It's all over your hands and you've
smudged a bit on your nose trying to keep your glasses up. When I walked over to you I saw the
letter you had been writing. It was underneath your hand and in between your fingers I could read
"To Lily" written in your favorite green ink. You used to tell me that it reminded you of
my eyes. Then I'd tell you to stop trying to flatter me, James Potter, because it's not
going to work. You and I both know that wasn't the truth then, and it still isn't.

I almost want to shake you awake so you can tell me how my eyes are pools of emerald ink. I never
knew how you could say things like that and never crack a smile. Everything you said to me was so
sincere, and that almost makes me reach out for your shoulder, but I don't. Instead I tugged at
the corner of the envelope. It was stuck to the palm of your hand. I tried to get it without
disturbing your sleep, and eventually I tugged it free, but not before you turned your head a
little. You were still asleep, and smiling with a silly little grin. I knew then that it would be
okay.

I felt almost guilty ripping open the seal. I didn't know if you wanted me to see this or not.
It had my name on it, so I opened it anyway. As interested as I was in what you had to say, the
smell of coffee was floating in from underneath the door, so I went into the kitchen. Remus is
going to make a nice little house-wife someday, don't you think? Although he's not a
morning person. I said told him good morning and thanks for making the coffee and he just sort of
grunted in my general direction and walked off to take a shower. Sometimes I'm glad we live in
this little apartment with our friends, but I can't wait until we get a house of our own.

Coffee in hand I went back to our room to read your letter. I wondered what you had to say to me
that you hadn't already. Something that you couldn't tell me in person, for some reason you
had to write it down. I knew it was important and that it set your mind at ease. You were sleeping
like you had not slept in a very long time. I unfolded the parchment and saw your smudged finger
prints all around the edges. Your handwriting very neat. Every line and letter written with a
purpose. The edges of the letters almost perfectly straight, but leaning a little to the right.
Sloppy here and there because you were so tired when you wrote it. I propped the letter on my belly
and sipped my coffee. I love Harry, and I can't wait until he's born, but I imagine he
won't be as useful to prop things up on anymore. If there's something I'll miss about
being pregnant, it's that.

Your letter was so beautiful, James. If it's possible, it made me love you more. I've never
felt such strong emotion in my entire life. Not when you asked me to marry you, and not even the
day we exchanged vows. There was something of you on those pages and in that ink. Something I knew
you always had in you, but you'd never shown me before. Your compliments put tears in my eyes.
I have always known that we loved each other, but to read these words from you put a sort of seal
on it. A thousand thoughts rushed into my mind about us. I realized there was a bond there that
couldn't be broken. You don't have to feel bad about Harry being born into a world full of
such chaos, because we'll be there and he will know stability and love no matter what
happens.

I did have pleasant dreams last night. Very nice ones about us and our friends and our son. I
can't remember clearly what happened, but I know we were there. Sirius, Remus and Peter were
there with us, and we were all happy. I thank you for not waking me. Sometimes I'd rather live
in a dream world full of fantasy. A place where no harm can come to us and where we know what is
going to happen from day to day. A world that is not plagued by evil. Somewhere we can live and
trust again. I don't want to stay there alone and let you fight the battles of reality without
me. That's why I wish you could sleep. We could dream together and escape from the killing and
betrayal of our world. But as a wise old man once told us, it does not do to dwell on dreams and
forget to live. We have to make the best of what's around us, and I believe we've done that
with little Harry.

As hard as it is carrying around another person in my stomach, or there about, I sometimes wish he
could stay there for a little longer. I know he's safe there as along as I am, and I'm safe
because you're protecting me. But then I read your letter and I know that I'll be much
happier once Harry arrives. I hope we do all the things you told me about. I can't wait to drag
him by the ear into Madam Malkin's and make him try on robe after robe. He'll be as
stubborn as you are, I know it. I'm going to cry my eyes out on that platform when he takes his
first trip to Hogwarts. I won't want to let go of him, but I know you're right, he'll
be just as happy as we were there. I know he's got some great friends in his future. Friends in
Gryffindor, the only house he could possibly be sorted into, or else his godfather might disown
him.

I don't know if you've noticed the pride Sirius is taking in the boy. You'd think he
had a part in creating him. He's more anxious than we are. Every second he has the chance, he
asks me when I think it'll be. Patience is something that Sirius Black has never mastered. I
know he was excited about being Harry's godfather. He doesn't want us to move out. I think
he wants us to stay here so he can watch Harry grow with us. I knew Remus would be okay with it. He
understands the situation, and had we offered, I think he might have refused. I worry about him,
too. He's strong despite his weaknesses and I know he'll make it through this. I know Peter
hasn't been around a lot lately, but I don't think we need to start getting suspicious of
every little thing. We've all got to stick together and trust each other, or we'll be
completely lost. If we stay true to each other, we'll have nothing to worry about. There is
always hope, James.

I wish I could tell you that I found answers in my sleep, or anywhere else, for that matter. I want
to hug you and put my hands in your hair and whisper into your ear that everything is going to be
okay. I want to find the magic that can solve this awful problem, a way to get rid of Voldemort and
everything he has done. It breaks my heart to tell you that I can't. I know you depend on me,
James, to be there for you, and I always will. I'll be there the best that I can and I'll
stand beside you, as you do for me, and we'll hold each other up. I'm scared just like you
are, but we mustn't let that fear drive our actions. I don't even want to think about one
of us dying. I'm certain that I could not live without you. I could not raise our Harry by
myself. I don't want you to be left alone either. It's better to live the time we do have
to its fullest, and to not think for a moment about the terrible things that might happen. I know
that the possibility is always there, but that is not something that one wants to be constantly
reminded of. Try to keep those thoughts away. We'll be together, we'll be happy, James.
Though I don't know how or when, I know one day all of this will be over.

You're still asleep at the desk and I know you're enjoying the perfect world of your
dreams. I'll do you the same favor you did me, and let you sleep there as long as you can.
Sirius is at it again. He's banging on the bathroom door telling Remus to hurry up and get his
arse out of there. I don't want him to wake you. I want you to sleep and dream about that
lovely house in Godric's Hollow. I think we'll get it, it really is perfect. Your visions
for Harry's room are exactly what I see, and I'm glad you'll leave the decorating for
me to handle. For a few scared moments I considered what might happen if you and the boys tried to
surprise me by doing it by yourselves. That was not a pleasant mental picture. But then I saw you
teaching Harry to ride a broom and quizzing him on quidditch positions and stats about your
favorite team. I see a house full of happiness and a little room over the broom shed for Sirius and
his motorbike. Not to mention the permanent dent in the couch from Remus sleeping on it so
often.

I don't know why I was frowning in my sleep, or why I was tossing and turning in excitement.
Maybe I was dreaming that a nurse was handing me a new born baby. I didn't hear Sirius come in
last night, I never do. I don't think his noise this morning is going to wake you either.
You're smiling in your sleep now, just as you said I did, and you look perfect. I know what
makes you smile while you sleep. That's no great mystery to me. You're dreaming of spoiling
your little boy with quality broomsticks and fine robes. About giving him the Invisibility Cloak
and teaching him how to work the Marauder's Map. About living a long, happy life, loving your
wife and your friends. I want to let you live in those dreams until I can make them real, just as
you wanted to do for me, but I have a feeling neither one of us could do this by ourselves. We need
each other, awake in and aware of the reality of the things going on around us, but clinging
hopefully to the chance that things will be turn out for the best.

We do need each other and all the support from our friends we can get. And they need us as well.
The only way to fight the chaos and the crumbling world is to meet it head on with strength and a
belief that we can defeat it. I love you, James, and that fact will never change, no matter what
might happen to us. I believe in that as strongly as I believe in the solid nature of the earth. It
will always be there to stand upon. It's not dreams of a wonderful future together that will
get us through; it's believing that there is something, or someone, worth fighting for.

It's painful to watch you breathe with that horrible twist in your neck and back. That chair is
no place for sleeping. I've let you sleep long enough, and now I'll have to wake you.
I'd much rather throw a blanket over your shoulders, or just lead you over to the bed, but I
can't. There is work to be done and the morning is moving more rapidly by us. I'll wake you
up and we'll face whatever comes together. Hand in hand, like we've always been. We've
got something to fight for and something to protect, and right now he's trying to kick his way
out of my belly. I can't sit still and write any longer. I have to get up, as do you.
Dumbledore was right, James, it does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live, but I have a
feeling we can do something to make those dreams seem closer to becoming our reality. Don't
forget, James Potter, how much I love you.

Yours Always,

Lily