Love is Hope: Life after fifth year

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Hermione felt like she would burst into a million pieces, simply out of anticipation. She felt guilty about having this one-track mind, but on the other hand was glad she could obsess about her OWL results. She couldn’t bear thinking about Sirius too much. She felt so guilty, like she should’ve, could’ve done more to prevent this... this... Loss didn’t even cover what she felt about Sirius being gone. True, it wasn’t like she was as close to him as Harry was, or like she was to her own parents. But she felt responsible for him in a way; she’d helped save him from the Dementor’s Kiss and he was important to Harry, like a link to his parents. And she had *known* it, in every fibre of her being, that the dream Harry’d had, wasn’t real, that V-Voldemort was luring them to the Ministry, that there had to be another reason Sirius wasn’t at Grimmauld Place. Maybe if she’d relied on her instincts more...

Maybe if she had been a better friend Harry would’ve confided in her what caused the Occlumency lessons with Snape to end and she could’ve persuaded him to solve the argument. She should’ve continued badgering him about going to Snape, like Sirius told him to. Then he wouldn’t have had that dream. Maybe if she’d convinced Sirius to be more considerate of Kreacher, the House Elf wouldn’t have betrayed them. Maybe if she hadn’t been so obsessed with her OWLs at the time, she wouldn’t have forgotten about Harry’s Occlumency lessons. Maybe if she hadn’t let that Death Eater surprise her, if she hadn’t been overconfident that they weren’t that powerful to be able to do magic without a voice, if she’d had better reflexes, she would’ve been able to do more instead of being unconscious and a hindrance, and maybe Sirius wouldn’t have...

No! She couldn’t think like that! If she started thinking like that, she was going to blame herself for Hagrid almost getting arrested, for McGonnagol getting stunned, for not having the sense of grabbing the DA list and causing Dumbledore being on the run from the Ministry... The list went on forever. She was only fifteen for heavens sake! True, she had been Harry’s friend for a while now and as such been in more adult situations than any other teenager; but that didn’t mean she could handle Dark wizards, who despite having been near Dementors for more then 14 years, were pretty powerful, not to mention mad.

When were those bloody results going to arrive! Admittedly, it had only been one week into the summer vacation, but there was still no Ministry owl! She was back at her Muggle home. It had been so long since it had been just her parents and her, and part of her was glad to be surrounded by all the ‘normalcy’ again. But a bigger part of her, a part that steadily grew stronger every year since her first year at Hogwarts, felt terribly out of place here... How long could it take them to correct those bloody tests?

She had talked about Sirius with Ron and Hagrid a bit, but the problem was that the conversation always turned to Harry. Although Ron wasn’t taking Sirius death lightly either, she wasn’t worried about him. He didn’t keep things bottled up, Ron wore his heart on his sleeve. That was blatantly clear this year, with his Quidditch antics. She was very relieved he finally got over *that* fear. She didn’t mean that Ron actually grieved or anything in front of anyone, but she knew he’d deal with it on his own. She on the other hand couldn’t, not really, she needed Harry to do the impossible. She needed him to forgive her, to notice that it wasn’t only for ‘his good’ that she wanted to talk to him about it, but for her sake, too.

She wanted to talk with Harry about Sirius so much, tell him that she was sorry... But she didn’t dare, and anyway, she couldn’t contact him now, the owl post could still be intercepted and she couldn’t bear writing him a censored letter. Sirius still hadn’t officially been pronounced innocent, even if it was now common knowledge. And they couldn’t risk having any written proof out there, in case the Ministry would act ridiculous again. Because even if by some miracle Sirius would be cleared of all charges post-mortem, they could still claim that *technically* they helped an escaped convict at the time (since he wasn’t officially cleared during the time they helped him).

Harry hadn’t sent anything to her either. She wondered if it hurt him as much as it hurt her by not keeping in contact, even if it was just one lousy week. Maybe there could be another way... After all, the Order had frightened the Dursleys at King’s Cross, so she knew she was able to phone him, and she doubted very much Death Eaters nor the Ministry would tap the lines. But she had no idea of what to say to him... Maybe she should send something through Muggle post. But she didn’t want the Dursleys reading what she wrote, too. And there was a great chance that even with all the threats they’d still hold back those letters...

But even if she found a way, what would she write... Most correspondence with the magical world this summer was done with Ginny. She’d received one letter from Ron, but it contained mostly taunts about waiting for the results for the OWLs then general Weasley news. Apparently Percy still hadn’t made contact with them, even after he’d resigned as Fudge’s lapdog. Bill and Charlie presumably still worked for the Order. Fred and George were still successful in their business even now that school was out. Mrs. Weasley wasn’t at all happy about their non-graduation, but she couldn’t bring herself to be too mad at them and risk loosing them as she lost Percy.

So Ginny kept her up-to-date more accurately then Ron. She knew Ron called Harry regularly over the phone, and they were currently focusing on Harry’s lifetime ban from playing Quidditch. Even with Umbridge getting sacked, the Ministry was being reluctant about redrawing some of the regulations that gave the Ministry power at Hogwarts. Hermione didn’t understand why they were being difficult, and was sure that once Mr. Weasley told them exactly just what dear Dolores had been up to, they’d back off real quick. The Daily Prophet hadn’t gotten the full story about it, yet, but surly the press would be most interested in hearing about what went on during her detentions, who sent the Dementors after Harry last summer, what she was planning to let Filch do to the Weasley twins before they literally flew away from Hogwarts, that once she hadn’t any Veritas serum left, she tried to put the Cruciatus curse on Harry, and so on. After the public acknowledgement of Voldemort’s return, the arrest of the Death Eaters Malfoy and Avery, who both had ties with the Ministry, and the release of and public pardon for Sturgis Podmore, the Ministry really couldn’t afford another scandal.

She was almost sure Harry knew that, too, and was only using that topic with Ron to avoid talking about Sirius. She hoped that their little show at the station had done enough for the Dursleys to give Harry a break, but doubted that they would be helping him grieve. Sighing she got out of bed, took out some plain old Muggle paper and pen and seated herself at her old study desk. It was too early on a Sunday morning to be up, but she couldn’t fall asleep. She’d checked the Muggle library yesterday for an Arabella Figg in Little Whining. She could phone her and ask her if she could send a letter for Harry to her the Muggle way, and if she would see to it that he got it. No doubt she was being ridiculously complicated, after all she was supposed to be the voice of reason not the paranoid one.

Not that anything *was* going on, not that she knew of anyway. She was sure the Order was doing one thing or another, and that Voldemort was either too busy punishing his followers for messing up his careful plans for that year, or was keeping a low profile for the time being. Hermione was almost sure that wouldn’t last long now that the Ministry had made his return public knowledge and that he was already gaining new followers, or at least plotting to gain their ‘loyalty/servitude’. But nothing, besides the ‘Ministry scandals’, was publicly known.

It wasn’t like last summer either: the Daily Prophet would report it if anything real was going on regarding Voldemort and she wasn’t at the Grimmauld Place, so she expected that maybe Harry knew even more about the Order than her. She knew the Occlumency lessons were still very important, and wondered if there was anyone teaching him at the Dursleys. The vision of Snape meeting those Muggles was nearly as disturbing as hilarious, but she’d doubted it was the latter for Harry. She still didn’t know why Harry was forced to stay with his relatives each year, but had an inkling Harry now knew. She didn’t know how she came to that conclusion any more as why he wouldn’t have told Ron and her. He had become steadily more frustrating this year, and he made it a habit of concealing things from them. Before, only when he had been sworn to secrecy, he didn’t share things with them, and even then he found a way of letting them know the gist of things.

She sighed again and started writing with furious pen strokes, a letter to Harry she’d never send.

‘Dear’ Harry,

I was just thinking, I needed to get this of my chest: you’re a complete prat, and insensitive jerk, and a moody git! I mean, I get why you were mad at us the first time at the Grimmauld Place, even if I wouldn’t have guessed you’d be screaming at us like you did: we couldn’t very well do something about the situation then, now could we? But I thought that after that, it would be over, you’d start acting like my Harry again. I wouldn’t have thought it was just the beginning.

Over the four first years I have known you combined, I haven’t been at the receiving end of your glare or cold shoulder more than this past year. I really don’t know what I did to you. I know I can at times get carried away with persuading you to study or not do rash things, and I know you didn’t want to do the DA thing in the beginning, but that didn’t give you the right to take it all out on me. At least you spared Ron a little when he was having trouble with Quidditch, but he could’ve done with a bit more support from you too at that time! I am your friend, at least I hope you think that, but that doesn’t give you the right to vent your anger and frustrations on me constantly without ever considering how much it hurts me.

And another thing, I know that you were pretty preoccupied this year and maybe it just slipped your mind, but you could’ve warned me! I know now you knew since a long time about only Dobby taking the hats and socks I hid in the common room. Did you have a good laugh? You saw me knitting all those cloths, and you heard me commenting about my supposedly success, when you knew that none of the House Elves came to our common room any more except Dobby, and that none of them had been set free! I had to find out by a drunken Winky at the end of the year!

And what happened with Snape that was so bloody important that it was worth breaking a promise you made to Dumbledore AND Sirius? Was it worth the consequences?

If you’d ever read this, which you will not, you’ll probably ask yourself how perfect little Miss Hermione Granger can be so cruel. Well, you’re no saint either, Harry Potter! Sometimes I even ask myself why I bother! The only rare times you were not grumpy this year was when Cho noticed you were alive. And I really don’t understand how you could’ve messed things up with her. She only needed you to console her, and how could you not expect her to bring up Cedric? I really tried to help you understand her, but I never realised how blind you could be.

I know you could only rely on yourself when you were little, and that you have more then enough on your thoughts when you’re at Hogwarts. But couldn’t you take a look once in a while at the people surrounding you? Not everything is about you, you know! /

She put down her pen with yet another sigh; if she didn’t stop sighing she would be hyperventilating soon...

She’d always divided the people who knew Harry in three groups: the ones who loved him, the ones who hated him and the masses who regarded him from afar. She belonged to the first, and as every member of that group, she would do anything in her power to protect him from any more pain than was already inflicted on him. Sometimes she blamed it on his hair; the messy mop, that made you want to reach out impulsively and flatten it, also made you want to care for him in every way possible. She wished sometimes that she could take over from him, even for a little while, shield him from that second group, the people who wanted him to suffer and would rejoice in his death. Such extremes... And than you had everyone else; the ones who sometimes admired him, worshipped him, and just as quickly turned on him and called him an insane criminal.

She could’ve vented some more in her letter though; actually, she really could’ve gone on for a while, but she couldn’t bring herself to it. She took out the matches she kept in her room for lighting the candles; ever since her first time back from Hogwarts, she felt a need to at least have some candle light in her very Muggle bedroom, it made it feel more ‘homey’. She made sure she didn’t set fire to her desk while watching the letter being eaten by flames. As much as Harry’s behaviour hurt and frustrated her, she couldn’t bring herself to let those emotions get the upper hand even if she would’ve really wanted it. She couldn’t even swear properly in her ‘vent-scribbling’.

He was her best friend, even if he sometimes made her wonder if he felt that way about her, too. And she knew that she would gladly take his bad moods and much more if it helped him in any way. And maybe the ‘bad, mopy Harry’ she had come to know very well this year, will let ‘sweet, caring Harry’ a bit more out in the future. But she knew that after what happened to Sirius, he’d never be the same again... What she was sure of, is that, no matter what, she would stand by him, like she’d done since she was eleven.

She hoped, probably in vain, he wasn’t wallowing in guilt and self-pity right now, and she also hoped she could keep the promise she made at King’s Cross; that they would get him out of there as soon as possible. Just when she wanted to climb back in bed, her owl came back from a nightly hunt. Her parents had decided that since she hadn’t received a present yet for being a prefect, and since she was barely home anymore, she should have an owl. They were aware that she was only permitted to have one pet at her school, but Dante, her dark coloured owl, was to stay at home, so her parents could contact her whenever they wanted and they didn’t have to wait until their daughter sent them news with a school owl.

Dante reminded her about the OWLs, and the breath-obstructing tingles ran through her body again. She decided to write short messages to her friends, saying she had been very busy lately, meeting all of the family and friends of the family again here at her home, and hadn’t had time for a breather until now; which wasn’t a complete lie, but she could’ve squeezed these short letters in if she’d really wanted to. She explained about Dante and couldn’t resist asking if maybe they had heard something about the OWL results. Not the things she really wanted to write them, but, oh well.

It was nearly 9 am by the time she sent Dante out, and she stared of into space after that. She was so deep in a blissful non-thought ‘trance’, that she didn’t see the owl flying through her open window. Startled when something pecked her fingers, she looked down to her desk. Unable to register at first that this wasn’t Hedwig, Pig, or any regular school owl she knew of, but a beautiful eagle-owl, she was admiring his beauty before she snapped back into reality. With trembling fingers she took the letter from the owl. She saw the official seal of the Ministry of Magic that confirmed her suspicions.

After a moment that felt like for ever she was able to breath again. She heard a voice in her head that oddly resembled Ron’s, making fun of her being nervous about opening the letter, then an amused one that sounded like Harry’s, reassuring her. Forcing herself to act normal, she tore the envelope open and waited for her eyes and brains to finally cooperate and tell her what it said. She quickly skimmed over the pompous opening and explications until she found the part that mattered.

Results of the written tests of the OWL examinations:

E, Ancient Runes

O, Arithmancy

E, Astronomy

O, Charms

O, Defence against Dark Arts

O, Herbology

E, History of Magic

///, Muggle Studies

O, Potions

O, Transfiguration

Results of the practical tests of the OWL examinations:

A, Astronomy

O, Charms

O, Defence against Dark Arts

E, Herbology

O, Potions

O, Transfiguration

E, Care of Magical Creatures

///, Divination

These results give a total of 16 OWLs.

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