Hermione's View

A. N.: Here it is! The New and Improved. . .Hermione’s View! I’ve done a little revising, so I hope you all like it. Sorry that I took so long to do this. If any of my fans are out there, please review again! I know that Hermione may be OOC, but I tried. I AM working on a few other fics, which won’t be posted until they are completely done. I’ looking for a beta! And, as always. . . HP/Hg for all you non-fans.

September 1, 2001

Dear Diary,

So, another year at Hogwarts has arrived. Yes, my seventh year. Another year of torture, pain and sadness. Torture, knowing that I may never see some of the people I know now. Pain watching Harry wait for his final battle with You- Know -Who, not knowing if he will come out of it alive. Oh, how I wish I could take away that pain, give it to myself, and make his life happy. Sorrow for all the pain and torture stated above. I simply will not be able to bear it if anyone I know gets hurt, or even killed. If anything happens to Harry or Ron, I will break down right then and there. I would mourn for Ron, yes, but Harry... I don’t think I would be able to live with myself if something did happen to him. Or, if I would be able to live at all... Sure, Ron is one of my two best friends, but I do not love Ron the way I love Harry. I love Ron as a brother, or friend and he loves me as another sister. But, Harry is. . . my “source of affection.” He, like Ron, probably loves me as a sister, only, it is as the one he never had. Oh, but how I wish it weren’t so! I want so much for him to love me, it hurts and I think I will just EXPLODE!

I can not believe myself. I have always wondered about the possibility of Harry and I being together, but never really wanted it. Now that I have it on paper and can really see it, I know. I love Harry Potter. I, Hermione Granger, the nosy, know -it -all Head Girl am sitting here fretting about whether or not Harry Potter, the dashing, brave Quidditch Captain will ever love me. I should be able to figure out if he does or not, since I am supposed to be so smart. But I really am not as brilliant as everyone thinks I am. If people could see all of the horrible mistakes I have made, then maybe they would see me differently. I suppose one can only be either book smart or street smart. Book smart people are brilliant in their studies. Street smart people... they know how to survive the real world and such, which comes with the whole understanding of love. I don’t understand love. Therefore, I am book smart.

Well, I must be leaving. Harry and Ron should be waiting for me in the Common Room. Until later, stay out of Lavender and Parvati’s grasp.

September 3, 2001

Dear Diary,

Oh, I could kill Ron, sometimes! Today, during lunch, mind you, Ron caught me staring of into who-knows-where, and day dreaming about Harry, as if that is anything new. Well, I had this cockamamie grin on my face, and Ron says as loud as he can, “Hey, Hermione, day-dreaming about Viktor Krum, are you?” I turned around, blushing bright red I’m sure, and told him no and whatever I daydream about is not his business. He asked whom I WAS thinking about, and I made a bad move. I glanced quickly at Harry to see if he was paying attention (as he was between Ron and I) and he was looking right at me. Ron noticed and was about to say it, but I told him not to say a word or I would curse him. Of course, Harry can be a dolt, and didn’t seem to understand what was happening right in front of his face. I should really just tell Harry what I think about him. Things would be so much better off. But, no, I am too chicken. Honestly! Me, thinking about Krum! Not a chance. He may be outstanding at Quidditch, but he doesn’t have one once of true intelligence about him. I suppose I do sound mean, but I have eyes only for one person. And, I fear he will never return those feelings for me. I am doomed to sit and watch as he will grow up, marry and have children with another woman. I will never be able to feel his arms around me, or lips on mine. Or, maybe I will. Maybe, just maybe, he DOES love me. If I just go down to the common room right now and ask him, maybe he will tell me he does, and hug me so tight I could cry. YES! I will go! But... what if he doesn’t? What if he finds the whole IDEA of it impossible? What if he laughs at me? Ah, too many what-ifs involved.

So, Harry, I will admire and love you from afar, and you will never have to worry about Hermione Granger.

September 10, 2001

Dear Diary,

If I go insane, don’t be shocked. I am so confused about. . . everything. I am struggling with my studies, though most people wouldn’t even suspect that. All my thought just keep drifting to him. . . Oh, no matter where I go, or what I am doing he is there! Pure torture! What do those Americans call it? Cruel and Unusual Punishment? Well, if I lived there, Harry would be in Azkaban. I sometimes catch him looking at me when I am sitting there in the library or common room, or where ever we happen to be together. It feels as if he is reading my mind. When he looks at me, he looks me in the eyes. And I feel so. . . confused. I see all kinds of things in those Pools of Emerald. Hurt. Worry. Determination. And this is the one that sends shivers down my spine. I think I see Love. Maybe it is just a love like a sister. But, I think I see it and I am allowing myself to hope otherwise. Just the knowledge that he was looking at me makes my heart soar. Maybe I do have a chance. Oh, but then there is Cho. Although, she left just last year, I still feel as though I am competing with her, or his memory of her. But no matter how it is happening, I am competing with her, and it scares me. He thinks I never knew. That he liked her, that is. Perhaps the word “liked” should be present tense, but for my well-being I say “liked.” I’m not blind, I DO have eyes, and I DO see. I saw all the ways he looked at her and what not. WHY on Earth did SHE have to be here? Well, there is always tomorrow.

Enough of the trauma, though. Something good did happen today and I was there to witness it all! Ron kissed Lavender. Yes, I know, I don’t usually get worked up about who’s- dating- who, but this is RON, my Best Friend. And Lavender . . . well, there isn’t much else to say besides the fact that she’s Lavender. I think they’re good for each other. But, it makes me sad. I will never be that happy. Like they say, tomorrow is a new day. A new day with new beginnings. Wish me luck!

November 12, 2001

Dear Diary,

I feel so numb. Too many things are happening at once for me! You-Know-Who attacked a student today. Not just any student. One that I am very close to. It was Harry. He wasn’t killed, though, but the fact that he could have been leaves this emptiness in my heart. To me, there is only one reason that You-Know-Who did not kill him, though there was a gaping wide chance for him to do so. Voldemort wanted to terrorize him. Scare him. Well, he sure scared me! I would have given my own life up to save him in a heartbeat, but Ron (the crazy git!) held me back. Harry is sitting down in the common room right now, staring off into who-knows-where. Probably traumatized to pieces. When I saw him walk into the Common Room, I ran to him, and flung my arms around him, and hugged him. It felt so... heavenly and comforting while hugging Harry. I cried, and tried not to let him see it, but he did. And he let me. He also made me a promise. And you don’t know how much it means to me. He told me that he wouldn’t die and not let me be assured of one thing before he did. He told me that I would know when it would happen. Well, it may not make a whole lot of sense to you, but it does to me. I asked him what he meant by that, and all he said back was that I would find out soon enough. I looked up, and he was smiling the hugest, cutest, mocking grin on his face. I asked, “How can you be smiling when you nearly got yourself killed?” He said, “Because, Hermione, though you may be the brightest girl at Hogwarts, you don’t know everything.” Oh, if only I had just gone and kissed him, and told him how much I love him, things would be so much easier! But, I will never forget what that hug felt like, of how he smiled at me. Maybe he does love me. After all, no one has ever looked at me in that way, or smiled like that at me before. I can be such a dolt! One day, soon, maybe I will have the courage to tell him. I just hope I do it before Voldemort gets to him. If Harry dies before I can tell him how I feel, I will never forgive myself. I may as well just go crazy now. I am nearly insane right already with so many things going on. Because of Harry James Potter. If he knew how much the mere mention of his name makes by heart beat faster, sets me in a sweat, or makes my vision blurry, I bet he would have a field day. And if Ron ever found out, he would never let it go. He would poke so much fun at me, I would cry. Of course, maybe he wouldn’t. Maybe Ron would be the decent, caring best friend he is supposed to be, and help me out. Hmmm, I don’t think there is much of a chance of that happening any time soon. Well, I’ll ask Ron about what he thinks. I at least know Ron will keep a secret for me. He may not make the situation all that pleasant, but he can be of some comfort, and help me get this off my chest. Here’s hoping!

November 15, 2001

Dear Diary,

It is me, yet again! Oh, Ron has been such a gem lately! So helpful with this whole mess I have gotten myself into. I told him about my “little” predicament, and he completely understood. In fact, he told me he would be overjoyed to help in anyway possible. So, I am the happiest I have been in a while. Ron offered to talk to Harry for me, kind of poke around a bit, get the “inside scoop” about me. I am daring to get my hopes up here. What if Ron comes back with some good news? I have to leave you for now, because I am meeting with Ron in the Common Room shortly to see what he found out for me! Cross you fingers!

November 17, 2001

Dear Diary,

Last time we met I was hoping and wishing that Ron would have some pleasant information for me, but all he had to tell me was that Harry only thinks of me as a friend. But, there was something in Ron’s face that there was something he was not telling me. He knows something that he isn’t going to say. Maybe it is bad. Or, maybe good! I am going to get it out of him even if it hurts me! Now, I can not just go up front and ask him, because that would be the stupid way to do it... No, I have to trick him into telling me: make him say it. Oh, I can be so horrible sometimes that I amuse myself. Let us just hope Ron is the crazy git I think he is and pop out what I need him to say.

November 23, 2001

Dear Diary,

Well, I do believe I am getting close. So far, I have found out quite a bit (I am such a sneak). Well, I was talking with Ron in the Library (like we would talk anywhere else. . .) and I asked him if Harry really does think I am only and friend, and Ron told me that it all depends on what kind of friend. I asked him what he meant, and he said that he wasn’t supposed to tell me. Hmmm, Ron is such a dolt. He must have realized he said that, because he turned his back on me. Well, I take that to mean that I am thought of pretty fondly in Mr. Harry James Potter’s mind. If I am. . .well, I doubt that is true. I am hopeless! I am such a. . . dimwit! Ridiculous! I am such an imbecile! After all, you have only known him for 7 years, plus know all (or most) of his secrets. Risked your lives together, nearly got yourself killed once or twice on daring adventures together. So, yeah, I would pretty much say there is some serious feelings going on, one sided or not. I hate one-sided loves. Always did. So much feeling, compassion from one person toward another, all that longing, never to be returned. The locked-out feeling of emptiness, knowing that all that desire will never be given in the same respect that it was dealt out. So much pain it could make you go insane. Insanity so powerful that it can drive you to the edge of something that is much to... overwhelming to handle on your own. But, then again, you must, because that love was an emotion you had to handle on your own. In shadows so dark that there is no light at the end. Perhaps there is a light for me. I am not so blind that I can not see, because I have love, and love is a light, no matter how dark it is. And that light can take me back, away from the edge and onto firmer grounds. Let us hope he knows he is that light.

November 30, 2001

Dear Diary,

Harry is a clueless hairball! I must have asked him a dozen times if he needed help on his Potions homework, but he kept saying no. Twit. There was just too much silence between us there in the Common Room. Ron was taking a walk with Lavender, so it was just Harry and I. Sitting there, at the table, complete silence among the two of us. It was so tense it hurt. I felt so much like strangling him and saying, “You dolt! Can’t you see I love you?” But, Harry is probably too brain-dead to notice even that! Oh, well, I suppose that is a bit harsh. He is perfectly able to do his Potions homework on his own, after all. Maybe it will sink in eventually. I will write in you again soon. I am too busy to be writing write now anyways. . .

A.N.: Like it? Hate it? Wish it would burn, want to see more? WELL, YOU HAVE TO REVIEW! What an idea. . .