Outrunning Our Shadows

Disclaimer:  All characters (but those I’ve invented) belong to JK Rowling and the respective publishing houses.  No copyright infringement is intended, and no profit is being made on this story apart from the personal enjoyment I get in writing it.

 

A/N:  Definitely in the mood for Something Corporate.  Not quite sure what came over me, but as you can probably tell, they’ve influenced this chapter a bit.  Fabulous band, I recommend highly. 

 

Outrunning Our Shadows

 

Simple Silhouettes and Cutouts

 

As soon as we entered the Common Room, I realized that the “Gossip Squad” had already come and gone.  The room was fairly buzzing with repressed conversation as we walked through, with dozens of eyes watching each of us for some sort of reaction to relay to friends in other Houses.  I felt like I was a bodyguard to some famous star, whose every move and smile would be recorded in magazines and newspapers around the world.  Perhaps it might have been the staring thing.  I was glad to be able to focus on Lily, since I could literally feel the tense anticipation in the air.  Lily looked to be oblivious to the crowd’s rubbernecking, but instead looked to be distant, as if removed from the crowd and their emotions.  Seeing her so divorced from her emotions gave me a feeling of infuriation, and I wished fervently for the opportunity to shake her out of this emotionless state in which she’d caught herself.

 

The closer I get to feeling

The further that I’m feeling from alright

The more I step into the sun

The more I step out of the light

 

Before we even reached the first of the squashy armchairs, however, the girls from Lily’s dorm walked up as a group.  Led by Cytherea Patris and Amanda Fletcher, the four girls ushered her away from the crowd and steered her up the stairs to the Sixth Year Dorm.  We watched them disappear around the curve of the stairs, all four of us hoping that the presence of other girls would inspire some emotions in Lily other than detachment.  Perhaps they could do as we Marauders could not, and incite some tears of release.  If nothing else, we hoped for the usual reaction of Lily when surrounded by her dorm mates – irritation and flying objects.

 

[It may now be necessary to detail the relationships among the girls in Lily’s dorm.  At our Sorting, five girls were put in Gryffindor with the four of us Marauders.  The nine of us are all friends now, and get along reasonably well, but it was clear within the first few weeks that two groups were forming, along gender lines.  Lily was better friends with the girls from the start, but started, in second year, to visit our corner of the Common Room more often, and since then, we’ve adopted the redhead as our mascot.  Despite the factions, the Gryffindors of our year have always interacted peaceably, occasionally inter-dating, but mostly keeping to our own groups.  I personally found them all to be a bit too interested in Divination and the possibilities of fate (especially because Professor Cassandra insisted that I will die an early death, and reminded me at every opportunity). 

 

The girls themselves were nice enough, I suppose.  Cytherea was absolutely beautiful, her blond hair always in some intricate coiffure, face perfectly made up with blue eyes sparkling, and she always wore the same perfume, a sweet fragrance that followed her through the room, and often turned as many heads as her appearance.  Her best friend was Dierdre Johnson, a brown haired, brown-eyed bundle of energy meant for the shopping district and the never-ending search for Mr. Right.  Those two could always be found together, walking with several guys through the halls, arms linked and giggling away.  It boggles the mind how they can date all the time…I find myself getting bored with having a girlfriend, and end up staying single for a while until the niggling hits me again.  The other two girls were Amanda Fletcher and Ananke Rourke.  Mandy, as she was called, tended to hang out with her older brother Mundungus and his friends, and was found hanging out with Mundy’s Ravenclaw friends than with the Gryffindors.  In fact, I never really knew her well, since we would all have thought her to be a Ravenclaw, if it weren’t for the classes we didn’t have with them.  Honestly, it was like she was ashamed of being a Gryffindor…it made no sense.  Who would ever be embarrassed of their House?  Ananke had much in common with Lily, in that she was very studious and well read.  While Lily was boisterous and thrived on most social interactions, Nan was very quiet and tended to keep to herself, avoiding spending time in the Common Room in favor of the Library or the Potions Dungeon.  The most we ever saw of short little Nan was her brown curls peeking out from behind a thick book, often some obscure historical treatise written in Latin.  Honestly, the girl studied more than Lily, which took some serious effort.

 

No matter their dispositions, the five girls were usually good roommates.  We guys would occasionally hear about pillow fights and makeovers from the night before at breakfast, and once we came back from our monthly prowling of the Forest to see all four of them playing an interesting game on the Common Room floor.  Normally, this wouldn’t be a problem, but I discovered it was a Muggle game called Twister, in which a person voluntarily puts themselves in ridiculous positions on a mat, in the hope that they will be able to balance themselves longer than other people who are in different precarious stances.  While I, being a typical male, was intrigued by the idea of four girls playing at “Contortionist” together in front of me, I couldn’t help but thinking that you could just change the color of the dot you had to put your right hand on so that you wouldn’t have to be quite so uncomfortable.  No matter, it made a memorable night.

 

A bit off track, I know, I know.  That example just goes to show how they could, on most occasions, be quite friendly towards each other.  Often, however, teenage hormones or perhaps just female hormones would kick in, and the entire dorm would be subject to heated arguments over little things like shower times and people leaving their makeup in the sink.  Lily would stomp down the stairs and to our dorm, pelt at least one of us with some unfortunate stuffed animal, throw up her hands in defeat, and ask if any of us wanted to play Chess.  The major difference between the girls in her dorm and herself was that she just wasn’t so … petty.  I know that’s her nickname for her sister, but it also fits the girls in her dorm.  They argued about the smallest things, and made huge deals about topics that should have been able to be solved with a simple apology.  If Remus didn’t hang up his towel after his shower and I stepped on it on the way to mine, I highly doubt I’d skip breakfast and pout in my room for half the day. 

 

Perhaps I don’t understand because I’m a guy.  I’ve talked to Lily about these types of things, and she doesn’t seem to understand any better than I.  This leads me to the conclusion that Lily is a different sort than her dorm mates, for which I am profoundly grateful.  I highly doubt I’d be able to tell Rea everything about how I felt when my parents were killed.  Though I’m sure she would be a good listener, I would likely be afraid that she was hitting on me or something.  That is another topic to be discussed later.]

 

Right now, these four were leading Lily away, likely to talk and commiserate in their dorm.  The four of us could do nothing but wait, planning little things to do that would, with any luck, show Lily that we still cared for her and would be there if she needed us.

 

~~~~~

 

That night ended quietly, the four of us retiring early, not really in the mood for pranking or any marauding around the premises.  Lily never came back down to the Common Room while we were up, and when she didn’t come visit us in the dorm, we assumed that she’d gotten some much deserved rest.

 

The next morning dawned with a bright cheeriness that belied the feelings of my friends and I.  I woke up tense, worrying about whether Lily would be in class today, and whether she’d be up to facing everyone.  Or me, for that matter.  God, I missed talking to her.  Even after one day, I had so many things that I wanted to talk about, my parents, her parents, old and moldie Voldie, or just the normal humdrum events that occur in our daily lives.  She always would have something clever to say that I could take with me for the next few hours and chuckle over.  Instead, I was anxious at the thought of her, and wished fervently for something, anything I could do to help.

 

Our dorm woke up quietly, as if we all felt the same disquiet and unease, despite the beautiful fall weather.  It was a very surreal experience.  There was no Sirius who woke us all up with a squirt of water in our face.  No Peter observing that one of us looked particularly happy after the previous night’s snogging appointments.  Not even Remus reminding us that we had to finish our Potions essay before it was due first thing in the morning.  Before I left the room, I pinched myself just to make sure.  Wincing in pain at the sting of it, I nodded, walking down to breakfast.

 

Within twenty minutes, all of the 6^th years were at breakfast, including Lily.  She sat, surrounded by her dorm mates, with an empty plate in front of her, and her focus on the walls in the Great Hall as if they were telling her the secrets of the universe.  She nodded when people asked her questions, answered shortly in the affirmative at each question after her welfare.  After a few minutes of attempting and failing to entice her to conversation, I put some toast and jam on her plate and said, simply, “Eat.  You’ll make yourself sick otherwise.”

 

While I admit I’d said it a little harshly, I only wanted her to snap out of her daze, and to stop her from starving herself.  I might have said, “I’m glad your parents are dead,” for all the looks I got from the other students.  As even Sirius glared at me in reproach, I ignored him, watching Lily instead.  Slowly, she focused on her plate.  She looked over at me, then, with a slightly quizzical look on her face.  Her eyes were so laden with sadness, and her face looked so pale.  I wanted to rush over and give her a hug, but instead I just shrugged, saying quietly, “Not eating never solved anything.  I was just trying to help.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

Her voice was so quiet and broken I almost didn’t hear it.  The attention of the entire table riveted on her, and from the shocked expressions on her roommates’ faces, I assumed that those two words were the most anyone had been able to get out of her since the evening before.  I made a mental note to speak with one of the girls about that.

 

~~~~~

 

The next three days, you could have paid me two thousand Galleons, and I would not have been able to tell you what we did in our classes.  It wasn’t so much that we were not concentrating on our classwork, for we did study, but we paid little attention to the exercises.  We were much too preoccupied with the little redhead who was still hiding behind this wall she’d put between herself and the rest of the world.

 

Many of our waking hours, the four of us talked about what we could do to help Lily feel better.  In one of the few conversations she had participated in since the owl came, she confided that Petunia was holding the funeral for the following weekend, and Lily would be leaving on Friday evening, and returning Sunday afternoon.  It was now Thursday, and we had done almost everything in our power to give Lily a little bit of confidence to hold onto when facing her parents’ graves.  Nothing seemed to make her happy anymore, and I soon found it seemed that the life had been snuffed out in her, as a candle that was blown out and continues to show smoke curls, as if calling attention to what it had lost.  While everyone was supportive of Lily in the whole House, and they all offered to give her their notes or help her with her tough subjects, we Marauders each went to great lengths to make fools of ourselves for the sheer goal of making Lily crack a smile.

 

Peter played chess with her almost every night, telling her stories about how he learned to play from the great Arthur Weasley, and the tribulations he went through, struggling to beat the then Great Chess Master.  Remus and Sirius appealed to her “little girl” side, poring over Lily’s favorite Muggle fairy tales, and acting out the fight scenes in the Common Room with one of them wearing old rusted armor stolen from some knight in some deserted corridor, and the other wearing a transfigured mask to look like a dragon or a giant, or whatever the villain was in that story.  For one of them, they gave Lily a wig of long blond curls, and had her stand on top of the sofa to play Rapunzel.  I was in tears at Sirius’s impersonation of the cruel witch with her warts and wicked cackle.  Lily even cracked a smile.

 

My efforts came with slightly more consternation, and met with much less acceptance at the beginning.  Each time I would attempt to seek her out to talk about anything, heck, even how Snape was a git (like that was ever an issue), she would find some way to avoid it, and keep conversation light and pointless.  I felt like a failure of a friend whenever I saw her with a distant and sad look on her face, and whenever she was silent, I wanted to scream at the unfairness of it all.  Me, her best friend, and I couldn’t even talk to her.  She wouldn’t let me!  Her words outside the Portrait hole played in my head over and over as I tried to keep the frustration at a minimum:  I’ll be needing you for a while…to get through this.  I wanted to shake her and say, “I’m right here!  If you need me so bloody much, come talk to me!” 

 

Instead, I waited patiently, hoping that she would come to me of her own accord.  So I let Sirius and Remus and Peter support her openly, and the rest of the House hang around in case she needed something, and I brooded.  I sat in a chair near the fire and put my head in my hands, thinking about how it was Thursday, she was leaving the next day for her parents’ funeral, and I didn’t think she was ready to face her sister, let alone the graves of her parents.  I knew her too well.  Bottling up her emotions never did Lily any good, and I knew that she would be a wreck if she didn’t talk to someone.  I’d already badgered the other three, and they’d been unable to get much out of her either.  The girls were totally useless, saying only that Lily was so out of it, she even turned down a shopping trip in Hogsmeade.  For shame, she didn’t want to go try that new shade of lipstick that tastes like your favorite food.  She never liked those trips anyhow.  Nothing new.  So I brooded, thinking, and anticipating another long night of worrying for a friend who was on a course to self-destruction.

 

I knew Lily was in trouble.  During classes, she would flinch whenever we practiced a charm, as if afraid it wouldn’t work.  I almost wondered whether she was afraid it would work.  She was hesitant in her homework, which, while she completed it diligently, was nowhere near as complete and precise as her normal work.  Even as most attributed this to her grief, I found that she was holding herself back, almost.  Not completely understanding, and not knowing what I would do if I did understand this new theory, I filed these thoughts in the back of my head to think about later.

 

For the moment, I just sighed, stared in to the flames, mourning the temporary loss of one of my best friends, who seemed a mere shadow of her normal vibrant self.  Late into the evening I remained there, even after everyone else went up to bed.  The half-moon outside providing no guidance, I reflected on many things, mostly on my parents’ deaths, and how I was able to overcome that grief.  When I finally joined my friends in the dorm, and laid in bed in the dark quiet, my thoughts continued to whirl around half-formed plans as to how I could tempt my little redheaded friend out of her shell.

 

The moon is shining now

And shadows are what’s left of all the noise

Simple silhouettes and cutouts

As if we had the choice

 

~~~~~

 

On Friday, during lunch, I found myself out by the lake, staring at the birds flying overhead.  I was thinking, as usual, about how Lily was leaving today for her parents’ funeral, and was glad to be alone for the memories of my own third year.  I remembered their funeral as terribly sad, where all of the pain of losing them came back full-force, and I’d left the ceremony in tears, Mrs. Black following worriedly.  There was probably not other time in my life where I’d felt so alone in the world, and so helpless to deter any of the evil that seemed destined to rain upon my family and the families of the supporters of Dumbledore.  As I thought about how much I needed my friends in that time, I hoped that Lily would be alright, and the three years between our two experiences would be enough to support her, if indeed she had to stand alone.  I prayed she’d be strong enough.

 

A footstep in the grass interrupted my reverie, and a shadow crossed my legs as someone sat next to me.  Shielding my eyes from the glare of the sun, I found myself staring at the bright red hair of Lily, and I started at the surprise of it.  She looked worn and tired, but less tense-to-the-breaking-point than that first night.  As she gave me a quick hug and a soft, “Hey there,” in greeting, I knew that she’d finally come to talk to me.  Well, I thought, let’s hope that we can not say something stupid right now.  Be smart, James, you can do it.

 

“Hi there, Lil,” I said, frowning slightly in the bright shining of the sun.  My glasses caused a slight glare that hurt my eyes, and I squinted, in order to see her better.

 

Laughing slightly, Lily plucked my specs off my face, pulled out her wand, and muttered, “Oculus ater!” The lenses became opaque, and I accepted them back with a smirk at her presently fuzzy outline.  Inside, I wondered at this slight change of attitude, and decided it must be a strong face for her upcoming ordeal.

 

We laid down together by the lake for a few minutes, watching the sky for interesting cloud shapes, and saying little of importance.  After a period of silence where she seemed to be battling internally with herself, she turned on her side and said, “I always thought I’d be able to protect them from harm, now that I was a witch.  If someone broke an arm, I could fix it.  If they dropped a china plate, I could fix it.  I can’t fix this.”

 

That was as good an opening as anything, right there.  I wasn’t sure how to respond, so I just waited for her to continue.  I knew she would.  She hates silences, normally.

 

I wasn’t wrong.  “Would you see me to the train station, James?  I know you can’t come with…but I’d like a friend to see me go.”  She bit her lip slightly, as if I would turn her down.

 

“Of course, silly goose.”  I smiled slightly, then put my arms gently around her, tilting my head so it rested on top of hers.  “I’ll be there for whatever you need from me.”

 

She relaxed then, leaning into me as if for strength and support.  She was silent for a moment.  When she spoke next, any thought that she was strong enough to face the next few days alone fled from my mind.  “I miss them so much, James.  How am I going to face them, knowing I let them down?”  I felt her bury her head in my shoulder, and soon enough, her tears were soaking into my robes, and her shoulders shook from suppressed sobs.

 

My heart ached for her, knowing the trauma she was going through.  I didn’t answer her outright, but instead murmured something along the lines of, “I know, it’s going to be alright,” and held her as she cried.  Soon, she quieted, lifting her head and wiping her eyes with her hands and sniffling.

 

A thought occurred to me.  I asked her, “You didn’t let them down, not really.  Didn’t you tell me about fourth year, when you saved your dad when he fell off the ladder?”  I’d wracked my brains for this memory, and I hoped it would help her, at least a little bit.

 

To my relief, she didn’t start crying again, but chuckled slightly.  “It was such bad weather, and he should not have been trying to fix the television antenna.  He so wanted that channel, though, since it was his favorite episode of that American show, M*A*S*H.  Since he was a man, and men have no fear of mere thunderstorms, he went right outside and got on the roof to fix it.  He nearly tore off the whole bloody thing when he lost his balance.  The ladder was so rickety, I was so worried for him.  I’m not sure how I did it, but I somehow transfigured the ladder into a soft fluffy mattress for him to fall on.”  She laughed shortly.  “He was so excited about the mattress…said it was the most comfortable thing he’d ever laid on.  He made me dry it off and levitate it up to their bedroom.  They…they slept on it from then on.”  She stumbled a little at the end, reminded that they would no longer slept on the ladder-turned-mattress.

 

After this, it seemed that the floodgates had been opened.  She recounted story after story about her parents, some funny, some just memorable, most I’d never heard before.  Before I knew it, Professor McGonagall was interrupting us, telling Lily it was time for her to go, and would I be so kind as to help Miss Evans carry her suitcase to the carriage?  I’d missed my afternoon classes, but it was worth it.  Lily had confided in me, and I had an idea now that she would be alright about this trip.  I knew it would be rough for her still, but at least she knew that she had someone to talk to.

 

We talked all the way to Hogsmeade, and I tried to remind her of the funny stories, so that she would remember the good times and not dwell on the bad.  When I led her to the train, however, I couldn’t help but wish that that conversation, no matter how enjoyable, had never happened.  One of my friends was changed irreversibly, and I was afraid for her at this funeral.  I wished she wouldn’t have to go, I wished I could go with her, I wished … Then I stopped, chiding myself on foolish wishes, and gave Lily a hug, telling her to owl me if she got bored.  As the train whistled and chugged out of sight, I cursed Voldemort and his minions for taking Lily’s parents, and I walked back to school slowly, watching the birds fly overhead.

 

What does it take to be a super hero in her world?

Make no mistake that these villains always get the girl

We can escape and then we'd skate away from all of this

But no one ever does

 

~~~~~

 

A/N:  Not the most joyous of chapters…and certainly one of the hardest I’ve had to write.   The next chapter, I promise will have some, albeit one-sided, fluff.  If everything goes according to my outline.  If you’ve any ideas or comments on how I could improve or change this story in future chapters, let me know!  I write for your enjoyment.

 

Songs from this chapter have all come from Something Corporate’s fabulous song, “Straw Dog.”  This can be found on their LP Falling Through The Window on Drive-Thru Records. 

 

Thanks to all who have reviewed!