The Pale Rider

Chapter Four

He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and sometimes wondered whose dream it was and whether they were enjoying. Douglas Adams

He found himself in the one place he never wanted to see again. The Hospital Wing of Hogwarts. He let out a sigh, and raised his hand toward his head, holding it in mock pain. “Why? Why did I return?” He muttered to himself.

“I was just about to ask you the same thing.” He turned, reaching for the revolver around his waist as he rolled off the bed. However the revolver had been removed from its holster and his gunblade was gone as well. He heard a giggle and grabbed a bedpan. He spun to face the source holding the bedpan as a weaspon, only to be surprised by Hermione Granger, sitting calmly in a chair next to his bed.

“Oh,” he said, looking a bit sheepish. “Sorry.” He muttered, sitting back down, causing her to smile slightly.

“Some things never change, Harry,” she said.

“Ah, but most things must,” he replied. “I've changed. You've changed.”

“Have I? Have you been gone that long for anything like that to happen?” he looked at her for a moment before turning away. “Harry where have you been?”

“Everywhere,” he said. “I learned magic that you would take you years to learn, and I barely did.”

“What do you mean?” she asked, moving the chair closer. He peaked her interest; he had her listening.

“Its kind of a long story,” he said. He could always get someone's attention, but once it was upon him, he really did not want to talk about it.

“I don't mind,” she said. “We are safe here, Hogwarts is still the safest place in Britain.”

“You're guards down at Hogsmeade weren't that great,” Harry said, looking out the window to the small town. “But then again, they've never seen someone like me.” He realized that he was the one who had changed the most.

“Harry, you have to tell me what happened,” Hermione said, taking his hand in hers. “You have to talk about it.”

“That's what Albus says,” he muttered. Hermione looked slightly shocked at his use of the headmaster's first name. “I'll tell you my story when I'm ready, but…I can't. Not yet.” Hermione let out a sigh and stood, her posture returning to the woman that she was when she walked through those Great Hall door a few hours ago.

“Then why did you come back Harry?” Hermione asked.

“I told you,” he said, realizing she wasn't the same anymore either. “I made a promise, one I meant to keep.”

“So that's all we are to you anymore, a promise?” Hermione said, her anger starting to show.

“No, the promise was for you, I honestly…..” his voice trailed off as he noticed the sparkling ring on her finger. “Who?” His voice was small at first, and then he looked in her dead in the eye. “Who?”

“Who what Harry?” she responded, waving her hands about. His eyes followed the ring.

“Who are you engaged to?” He managed to get out. Something inside of him was filling with pain again, the reason that kept him gone for so long returning.

“What business is it of yours?” she asked. “You're the one who walked out on us.” He glared at her for a moment.

“Yes I walked out on them,” he said. He was doing his best to keep his voice level as he talked, to not raise it like she did. “But I made the promise to you, that I'd return.”

“What good is a promise, Harry?” she asked with venom in her voice. “What good is promise that I thought you were never going to keep?”

“You want the truth Hermione, why I left?” he said, now standing up from his chair. “You want the truth?”

“I think you owe me the truth,” she said, poking him in the chest.

“Owe you, for what?” Harry asked, though he knew what she meant.

“For leaving us in the middle of this war, with no hope, only delusions of grandeur,” Hermione said. “Hundreds of people are dead because you left.”

“Really, please tell me then what the name James Evans means to you Hermione,” he said, taking a step away from her. She glared at him for a moment.

“He's the only other person that I think I've ever seen Death Eaters run from,” Hermione said. “He was worthy of being a Gryffindor.” She gave him a glare he would have never thought she would give him.

“And you're saying I'm not,” he said, already knowing her answer. “When clearly what I've done for the last few years here are not of any importance and worth to any regard in bravery.” He threw up his hands in disgust. “So please tell me, what Evans looked like then. Brown hair right? Midnight blue eyes, maybe something like Dumbledore's, no?” He said to her staring her right in her face. “Does this face look familiar?” He moved his hand to cover his face, and felt the changes occur underneath.

“You're….you're…..” Her voice trailed off as he stared at her, brown hair, blue eyes and all.

“James Evans, my dear,” he said with an exaggerated bow. “The pleasure to meet you is all mine.” He stood back up and stared at her, letting his face returned to normal as the mask was removed.

“I thought you hated magic,” she said, looking at him in shock.

“Magic should never take place of your god-given talents,” he said turning his back to her as he gathered his hat. “Magic is meant to help you, and act as a supplement to what you may not have available at the time. It took a long time for me to understand that, a really long time. But eventually, with Albus's help, I was able to come to that conclusion.”

“Why did it take you so long to come back?” she asked, as she moved forward to him. He picked up his duster and slide it on before turning back to look at her.

“I had an accident that needed to resolve before I could come, so I went other places,” he said with a shrug. “If you're going to ask about that, it's a long story and I'll tell you when I'm ready.” He looked at her again for a moment. “So are you going to tell me who's ring that is, or am I going to have to talk with Moony about it?”

“Oh,” she said, looking down at the ring on her finger. “Ron……he-” Harry never heard the rest of the sentence; he was out the door the moment the name left her lips.

His pace was furious, and to say the least, few could keep up with him as he broke into a sprint. He knew people would come looking for him, he knew they were going to try and find him now that he left the hospital wing. With a quick turn in the hall, he headed out the doors onto the grounds, toward Hagrid's hut.

As he ran, he felt the changes he wanted so badly to come begin as once again he turned. Turned into one of the most beautiful creatures in the world, at least in Harry's opinion. He flapped his wings of flames, as he flew through the air, leaving a burning trail that dissipated in moments. He circled in the air for a moment, relishing the feeling of the wind cross his wings. Flying like this was more natural than on a broom. He felt more alive, knowing he was fully in control.

Finding the wind he needed, he glided out toward the resting place of Albus Dumbledore's body. He landed upon the monument constructed for his mentor. It was for the ones who were left to mourn over, but already, Harry had decided, he did not want to be remembered by a monument or statue, but by memories he had given to others. In a book maybe, that might be nice, but memories was where he wanted to be.

He perched, on the edge of the monument, looking toward the school. He opened his throat, singing a soft song at first. A song of the Phoenix was supposed to revitalize those that had heard it, bring them joy. But the song in his heart, was not happy. It was not joyful. There no longer was joy in his heart. Delusions maybe, but no hope, no joy. He felt more alone now then he did when he first left.

“It appears that even those symbols of hope may once and now become hopeless themselves,” Dumbledore said, appearing next to Harry. He changed back with ease, though the pain of the change or was it his heart, was born on his face.

“Its difficult,” Harry said to his professor. “So much has changed.” He turned his head toward the rustle in the forest. His mind had already found the people there, hiding supposedly, but he knew they were there. It did not matter at the moment, but he knew they were there.

“You could not expect things to remain the same,” Dumbledore said. “War has finally come to Hogwarts, and changed all those that live in her walls.”

“I could feel her,” he said, looking toward Hogwarts for a moment. “calling to me, asking me to do something, I don't know if I have the strength to do.”

“It took much strength to return,” Dumbledore said, looking toward the castle as well. “I suspect she was trying to tell you something.”

“Yeah, Hogwarts always had a way of pushing me toward a certain destination,” Harry said.

“I was not talking about Hogwarts, Fawkes, but rather, Hermione,” Dumbledore said with a glint in his eye. “You should have waited for her to finish.”

“Why? She's moved on,” he said, holding back what he wanted to say. His anger, if he let it, could consume him. It was his flaw, but also his strength he was told.

“Really, Harry,” Dumbledore asked. “She never finished her statement. She too is entitled to secrets, just as you have yours.”

“But I doubt hers are a life-changing as mine,” Harry said with a sigh. “Its just that for so long she was such an important part of my life. I didn't spend an hour without thinking of her at least once while I had to relive the past. Looking at her now, I know how much she's changed, Albus, how much she's grown. She doesn't need me anymore.”

“Are you deciding for her?” Dumbledore posed another question. “Like you did the last time.” Harry looked back at his mentor for a moment. “She might have gone with you, you know?”

“This is her world here,” Harry said, standing up from his seated position. “How could I take her away from it?”

“The same way you left,” Dumbledore said.

“What's that supposed to mean?”

“Remember Harry, I am here to guide you, not tell you the answers.” Dumbledore said, pushing himself up and to the ground. “I best say we get back to the castle. It will be dark soon, and they will worry about you.”

“They being Hermione?” Harry said, arching his eyebrow. Dumbledore nodded. “Moony and I came to an understanding a long time ago about my actions in regard to certain things. He simply does not ask, and I don't lie to him.”

“It must be difficult, Harry,” Dumbledore started.

“What is sir?” Harry asked. He pulled his eyes away from the castle and to his old headmaster.

“Knowing that despite all your strengths, your greatest one is also your greatest flaw,” Dumbledore said. Harry looked at him for a moment before nodded, understanding him. “I suggest that you tell them to come out now.” Dumbledore floated away, though Harry knew he would not go far.

“He's right you know,” Harry said, turning toward the rustling again. “You can come out right now.”

“I'm sorry for doing that Harry,” Lupin said, stepping out of the branches before helping Tonks. “Hermione just told us what happened.”

“I'd rather not talk about that.” He said in a straight, strong voice, belaying his true feelings. There was a moment of silence between them, though not awkward, unwanted to say the least.

“You've grown Harry, quite a bit,” Tonks said finally, Harry turned to look at her. Awkward conversation he never enjoyed, and the topic, him made it all the worse for him to bear.

“Those things tend to happen,” He said with a shrug of his shoulders.

“But when you left, you were barely taller than Hermione, now…..” Tonks said. “You're almost a head over her.”

“I've been through a lot, and finally hit my growth spurt,” Harry said. “It was bound to happen sooner or later.”

“So at least you were eating well,” Lupin said. “But how…..how did you get the gray hair?” Harry's hand unconsciously went to his temple, touching the hair that Lupin had just spoken of.

“It's been a long time,” he said, sheepishly.

“You've been gone only a year Harry,” Lupin said. Harry looked at Lupin for a moment before shrugging his shoulders.

“Time has a way of throwing you for a loop some times, Moony,” Harry said. “But there will be time for my story later I think. Maybe,” he said, with a pause. “I hope.”

“Why did you leave Harry?” Tonks asked. He motioned for them to follow him through the path back to the castle.

“I had to learn how to believe again, Tonks,” he said to her. “I was at a point in my life, where magic to me was no longer magical, no longer important or anything for that matter.”

“But why leave?” The question was prompted again.

“Look around you, what is magical about this world? This world of war?” Harry said, stopping in the middle of the path. “When I first learned I was a Wizard, you know what I thought? I thought it was the coolest thing in the world. That I'd be able to be strong enough to leave the Dursleys's once and for all. When I came to Hogwarts, I never felt something more magical in my life. You both have lived in this Wizarding world your whole lives. You don't know the difference that the magic can bring into someone's life.” He started walked again and heard them hurrying to catch up. “I lost that some where along the way. That innocence and faith in something magical. I needed to find it again.”

“Where did you find it?” Lupin asked as they approached the entrance.

“I'm still looking,” he said with a sad grin. “If its all the same to you, I think I'd rather not come in.”

“They're talking about you Harry.” Tonks said.

“And that's really why I don't want to come in.” Harry said looking at the door. “I've been the center of attention my entire life, the cloaking spell was not for my benefit, I could have cared less if you knew it was me. But everyone thinks I'm a coward, when really…..”

“Really what?” Lupin asked. Harry looked at his old friend for a moment before shaking his head.

“Over the lifetime I missed, I learned to rely on two people, Lupin,” Harry said, looking at him. “You don't know how sorry I am that you're not one of them.”

Harry started to walk away again, feeling the eyes on the back of his head. It was not just two pairs of eyes, though both Lupin and Tonks stayed there looking at him again. It was not Dumbledore's eyes for the wizard had granted him a measure of privacy at the moment. The eyes were worried about him beyond compare, but he dared not turn around and face them. For if he did, he knew he would not make it to the destination he had it mine. Nor would he finish the job he was hired to do before Lupin had contacted him.