The Wrath of Hermione

The classroom had five people in it. Three of them were large kittens. They were in one corner of the room playing darts.

The other two were Fred and George Weasley. They were in the middle of a product testing session. Currently they were at the front of the room, near the door, shooting furtive glances every now and then at the felines.

"I just don't get it!" hissed Fred. "They were supposed to have changed back an hour ago!"

"Shut it, zip it, can it, f--k it, just stop repeating the obvious! I'm telling you we should have added more murtleweed root..." George's voice died away.

"Oh shit."

"We're doomed."

Hermione Granger had opened the door, and the noise in the room had fallen to a level normally associated with tombs. Funnily enough, tombs happened to be just the place Fred and George Weasley knew they were headed. Hermione had warned them to stop paying first years to be test subjects for their latest inventions. She'd threatened to take them to McGonagall if she ever caught them again... and now for her to catch them when something had gone wrong with three of their test subjects...

The witch glanced around, surveying the situation.

"I see," she said.

Doomed... Fred could hear the refrain echoing in his mind. It was funny how his inner voice sounded like his mother's.

"I should have known you'd go underground," she said, rolling her eyes. "Well. How long have they been like that?"

"Five minutes," said Fred.

"Three minutes," said George at the same time.

"Fascinating," said Hermione, genuinely surprised. "I honestly thought you two had some kind of telepathic connection. And you've had years of practice lying to your mum in tandem."

"We don't count very well," offered Fred.

"Spare me," said Hermione. "If you wanted to lie properly, you would have not mentioned numeric quantities. Those are always tricky. Then again, that's why I asked a question that required a numeric answer. What you should have said is that you were testing some long-term form of your Canary Creams and your testers were waiting for them to wear off. Avoid mentioning numbers altogether. What are these called? Kitty Candies? You'd have to spell Kandies with a K, though."

"With a K, right..." mumbled George. He didn't understand what was going on. Wasn't Hermione supposed to be steaming and dragging them to Professor McGonagall's office by the ears? Of course she was - she was just getting around to it. Right now she was just a cat playing with her food ...

"Can I have a look at your recipe, please?" asked Hermione.

"Our ... what?" asked Fred, seeing as George had starting exploring the state of catatonia.

"Recipe. For the Kitty Kandies or whatever. They are lasting longer than you expected, are they not?"

Mutely, Fred handed it over. Hermione looked at it for a minute.

"You're adding the kitten hair too late. You should add it at the start. Otherwise it doesn't mix adequately with the viper skin and the whole caboodle becomes more potent as a result. The skin is there to reduce the potency, didn't you know that?"

Fred and George gaped at her.

"How..." stuttered Fred.

"I am curious - did you got this whole idea of canary creams from Ron? If so, he is in grave danger, because I shall introduce his balls to sticking charms and a ceiling."

"Er... no," said George.

"Myrtle told us," added Fred.

"Ron's terrified of you," added George.

"He's not the only one," mentioned Fred. "You've still got Rita in Azkajar, right?

Hermione raised an eyebrow. "I had no idea I was a junior version of Snape. And yes, she's still in my trunk, right next to my ... you don't want to know."

"Moony said you're a lot like Harry's mum," explained George.

"Padfoot says he was terrified of her," added Fred. "Moony says he had good reason to be."

"Thanks for the flattery," said Hermione, trying not to blush at the compliments. "Now, back to business. You're using a cheaper version of polyjuice - viper instead of boomslang skin - here so the whole effect doesnt last as long, even when using animal hair. But you didn't have this time problem with the canary creams, did you? Did you do anything different here, other than using a kitten hair instead of a canary feather?"

"No," replied Fred seriously. "It's exactly the same. Any idea why this is lasting longer? We're stuck."

"I am not sure," admitted Hermione. "I think it's because birds are pretty close to reptiles, so the canary feather mixed quicker with the viper skin. But kittens are mammals, and so..."

"Yes, that would make sense," said George thoughtfully. "Guess we'll have to wait it out then. Any idea how long they're going to stay like that?" He jabbed his thumb at the oversized kittens, who had now returned to playing darts. Hermione wondered how they were holding the darts with their paws.

"I honestly don't know," she answered. "I never got a chance to check if there was an antidote to polyjuice, since The Dark Lady Pomfrey had imprisoned me in the hospital wing when I was Catwoman. I know you two, unlike my boys, haven't got an allergy to checking in the library, so I won't bother suggesting that."

Fred and George chuckled. They were starting to relax now.

"Er, Hermione," said Fred, "not that we mind or anything, but shouldn't you be pulling a Mum on us right now?"

Hermione's face fell a little bit. "I suppose I was quite the Molly when I found you lot in the common room, wasn't I? I guess I ... overreacted a bit. I'm ... er, can we start over?"

The twins looked at each other in surprise. This was, for Hermione, awfully close to an apology.

"Hello, my name is Frederick Aragorn Weasley," said Fred, holding his hand out in a perfect Percy impersonation. He got the tone of voice right too. Relieved, Hermione shook his hand.

"I'm George Legolas Weasley," added George, shaking Hermione's hand vigorously as well. "I'm the handsome twin."

"Hermione Jane Diana Catherine Agnes Margaret Indira Judith Arwen Granger," replied the female prefect with a straight face.

"Your parents must have been really happy to have had you," said Fred with a smirk.

"Can you blame them?" asked Hermione with a mock air of superiority. "And that's the short version. My birth certificate is quite the novella. And when did your parents read Tolkien?"

"Actually, those were the middle names of our uncles," said Fred seriously. "Mum didn't dare give us more than their initials for our first names." He didn't bother mentioning that Tolkien was a Squib, since he suspected Hermione already knew that.

"Who are you, by the way, and what have you done with Hermione Granger?" asked George after a while.

"Wondered when you'd ask that," she said with a smirk.

Fred and George reached for their wands slowly.

"Fred's left buttock has never been the same since you two tried to make him take an Unbreakable Vow once," said Hermione, noticing their movements. "And you two really need to work on your reflexes. They're about as fast as continental drift. We should get Harry to give you lessons... which reminds me, yes..."

The twins continued to look dubiously at her.

"Oh bloody Christ, fine!" She raised her right hand and said something that caused herself to be briefly encased in soft blue light. "I swear on my magic that I am Hermione Jane Granger." She took out her wand and cast Lumos. More light.

Their eyes widened, and Fred even took a step from her.

"We - we never meant ..." stuttered George. Had any of the first years in the back of the room been paying attention, they would have fainted at the sight of a twin stuttering.

Weasley Twins did not stutter. That was a major No-No, right up there with Passing Exams and Not Causing Unnecessary Explosions.

"Well, you should have meant it. You had no reason to believe it was me. We're living in an autocratic state with spies everywhere. I honestly don't know why Voldemort would want to take over the world to further the f--king Pureblood Agenda when it's doing quite fine on its own with the collection of old fuddy-duddies in the Wizengamot and He-Who-Is-In-Malfoys-Pocket as Minister. Did you know that there has never been a Muggleborn head of department at the Ministry? Of course you know that, since the only reason your father's treated like he is at the Ministry is because he's a Muggle lover. The moment this war shit is over, assuming I'm not dead, I'm moving to Canada. Or South Africa. I won't be the first Mudblood to do so, and I won't be the last."

Hermione seemed to realize she was ranting and that even the overgrown kittens were looking at her (they had lost their cat paws and tails by now) and stopped, a trifle embarassed. She turned around and headed for the door, before she suddenly stopped. A grin found its way across her face again.

"Don't worry, you're not in trouble over this. I went over the top in the common room that day, though I still believe that your test subjects should either be of age or have their guardian's permission. I was going to suggest that you investigate other animals for your canary creams. In particular, amphibians. And that you find new test subjects. The toad in pink would be a good start. If the - no, I'm not calling her a bitch, Fred, so stop mouthing that word, I don't want to insult dogs and wolves by calling her that - If the creature can be put out of commission by a harmless untraceable school prank, life will be bearable once again. And if it doesn't last long enough, just do it again."

She whipped her head around and stormed out the door, her bushy mane following closely.

After picking up his jaw from the floor, George muttered so that only Fred could hear, "I think I'm in love."

"We're definitely in love, brother mine," replied Fred slowly. "Share and share alike?"

"Of course."

Silence.

"Are we still joking?"

Silence.

"Do we know?"

Silence.

"The shit is deep."

Silence.

"Do we have any toad scales in stock?"

Hermione returned to the Common Room. There were a lot of things that had to be done, and most of them had to do with Harry. Of course, the hormonal ingrate would never thank her for it, but that wasn't going to stop her helping him.

Said ingrate was sitting in a corner with Ron, playing speed chess. At least, Ron was playing speed chess. Harry was still taking his time, and still losing. Hermione walked over slowly and sat beside them.

"Mind if I interrupt, boys?"

Ron gave her his patented mock oh-no-not-again glare while Harry gave her a little smile.

"If it's about the Transfiguration essay I haven't started yet..." began Ron.

"No, it's more important than that," replied Hermione with a dismissive gesture. "I've officially decided to stop nagging you with exams." The boys gaped at her. "It also means that I won't be letting you copy my answers or practically rewrite your essays for you under the guise of correcting them. Actually, I'm hear to apologise to Harry."

"Er, what?" asked Harry. "You've not done anything to apologise for ... " He thought for a moment. "Have you?"

"I f--ked up over the summer by obeying the Headmaster and not communicating with you. I know you a lot better than he knows you, and I was wrong."

"Hermione!" blurted Ron. "You sw... you swore!"

"I didn't think you'd take me seriously unless I did," replied Hermione, looking at Harry.

"I thought we'd got past that," said Harry slowly. However, she could see that he was looking at her appraisingly.

"Maybe you did," she replied, "but I didn't. I just want you to know that if I'm ever faced with a choice between you and the Headmaster again, I'll pick you."

Ron was looking at the two of them curiously, trying to figure out where all these bombshells were landing. There was clearly more to this than a simple apology.

"Ron," she said suddenly. "How good are you at silencing spells?"

Actually, Ron was very good at silencing spells. It came with the territory of being a teenage boy. "Er, not that bad," he answered, and cast one to cover the three of them.

"Nice one, Ron," she complimented, beaming at him. "The three of us really have been through a lot together, haven't we? I didn't even need to tell you that I wanted you to cast one for the three of us!"

"Oh yeah, right..." said Ron, who had truly not thought of it.

Harry was looking at her strangely again.

"Er, wait a minute," mused Ron. "Since when has the great Hermione Granger thought I could do any spells?"

"I never said that!" retorted Hermione. "I ... oh. I suppose I do throw my weight around sometimes, don't I? I'm sorry Ron. Sorry Harry. I know you're not interested in schoolwork and stuff, but I bet you know every charm that goes into, I don't know, making a meat pie or a broomstick or anything that you're interested in."

"Yeah!" said Harry, jumping out of his traditional state of verbal inertness to lighten the situation. This was, after all, part of the job description for his role as the Granger-Weasley DMZ. "I bet you could make your own broomstick, Ron! Imagine..." He went into a Trelawney-like state. "My inner eye is seeing the future now... it's kinda foggy and the fog is pink and lacey and smells like incense, but ... oh wow! It's the grim! No, that's just a dog in an alleyway - actually, there are two dogs and ... oh my, I think the one on top is Snuffles ..."

A few heads in the Common Room turned to look at the sight of Ron and Hermione holding their sides in laughter and Harry looking ... odd ... but with no sounds coming out of their open mouths.

"I suppose even the Boy Who Lived can make a joke," said Alicia Spinnet with a smile.

"I haven't seen Granger laugh like that though," said Angelina Johnson. "Maybe her lads have introduced her to the joys of mbanje."

Alicia snorted. The two seventh year students returned to preparing for their NEWTs.

Meanwhile, Harry continued with his 'vision'.

"... my Inner Eye moves into Diagon Alley now ... hang on, what's this shop... it's new... Oh! 'Ron's Sticks', it says... my Inner Eye stops for a moment to change its spectacles... we go in the shop, there's lots of broomsticks here... oh, look! Here's a Weasley 2020! Let's see what the note says... Designed by master broomstick maker Ronald Weasley, the Weasley 2020 is a broomstick aimed at stability and fine control. Perfect for both intermediate fliers and Quidditch Keepers. A custom version of this is being used by the Keepers for Wales, England, and the Holy See. The stubborn Keeper for Scotland, Oliver Wood, still swears by its predecessor, the Pigwidgeon 2015, because his fat arse cannot handle the superior cushioning charms on the Weasley 2020."

Hermione and Ron were still laughing their heads off. Surprisingly, Ron recovered first.

"... that is such a load of rubbish, Harry, only a genius could have come up with it."

"Yeah," replied Harry, who was feeling rather pleased with himself. "Complete rubbish. Oliver Wood would never get fat."

"You two must really have it in for me," said Hermione, still chuckling. "I've lost count of how many times I've admitted to making a mistake today. I said that you'd learn nothing in Divination, but I was wrong. You should look into a career in story telling, Harry. Or on the comedy circuit."

"What's a comedy circuit?" asked Ron. "Something to do with that eleck-elecktic-electoxicity thingy?"

"Electricity, Ronald," said Hermione. "The comedy circuit is ... a bit hard to explain. Er, Harry, can you do better?" Harry raised his eyebrows at her. "Oh, you don't know either? Oh, maybe it's because one of my aunt's friends is on it. He makes a living telling jokes, so he goes around the country from pub to theatre to pub telling jokes and getting paid for it. He doesn't earn that much, but if he gets that BBC contract... anyway, he enjoys it a lot, and we love having him drop by. He was my favourite babysitter..."

"You can make a living telling jokes?" asked Ron with a gleam in his eye.

"Where's the circuit?" frowned Harry.

"Hang on, one at a time. The circuit is a metaphor for all the joints he goes to, since he comes back to each one now and again. And yes, you can make a living telling jokes if you're really good at it. Don't they have comedians in the wizarding world?"

"No," said Ron seriously. "They don't. Fred and George say they can make a living making jokes, but you're talking about telling jokes, yeah? Anyway, there's no-one like that in Britain. I can ask Bill and Charlie if they know of any - what did you call them, comedyquins? - in Romania or Egypt."

"Comedians," said Harry.

"Commie Dins, right," replied Ron. Hermione huffed, and scribbled the word on a piece of parchment. "Oh. That's how you spell it. You ought to do that more often, really. English is crazy, you know."

"Hey Ron," said Harry, "you say the twins are going to try making a living making jokes. Do you think they can?" Hermione turned to look at Ron as well.

"Well," considered the redhead seriously. "I don't know. I mean, they are geniuses, though I'll kill you if you ever tell them I said that. Alfred Zonko and his lot make a living, don't they? He's been trying to recruit the twins for ages, but they want to go on their own. But they've got nothing to start with. The Zonkos were a rich family to start off with. While us Weasleys, well, you know. Malfoy's not off when he says we're pathetically poor."

"You're not pathetic!" said Harry and Hermione together. They looked at each other in surprise before turning to look at Ron again.

"Your family may be ... short of funds... " stated Hermione, "but pathetic, never. You're lucky to have them. I wish I had siblings. I'm an only child, and I often think that my parents were so disappointed in me that they didn't want to have any other kids."

It was Harry and Ron's turn to express mutual indignation on behalf of Hermione's insecurities. Ron placed his hand on her shoulder awkwardly, while Harry gave her an equally awkward one-armed hug. She was very touched, and wiped her eyes with a hand.

"About the twins, I've got a secret to tell you both," said Harry, trying to draw attention away from the topic. "You know about their secret investor?"

"I thought they were jossing us when they told Mum they had one," said Ron slowly. "Oh. Oho! It's you, isn't it?"

"That's brilliant, Harry," said Hermione, wiping her eye again. "Fred and George really deserve a chance."

"This from the person who chased them from the Common Room for testing their products on midgets?" asked Ron with his eyebrows raised.

"Alright, so I overreacted on that one," replied Hermione. "But I would have no problem with it if they were testing their stuff on older kids. With first years, you'd need their parents' permission at least. And I've already talked with them about this, and they know I pulled a Molly that day." The tone of her voice changed. "In fact..."

She leaned forward, and the two boys instinctively moved towards her, despite the fact that no-one could hear them.

"I even gave them my permission to use our Beloved High Inquisitor as their new test subject. A perfect test for their soon-to-be-developed Toad Creams."

Harry's laugh was almost as loud as Ron's. They both gave her big unhesitant hugs.

"My, my, we really have been a bad influence on you!" exclaimed Harry.

"Oh, I dunno," replied Hermione, "I don't think 'bad' is the right adjective."

"Pinch me," said Ron. "I never thought I'd see this day. Ow! I didn't mean it literally, Harry!"

"Say, how much did you give them?" asked Hermione.

The smile on Harry's face vanished. "A thousand galleons. It was the money from ... you know. I figured they could use it." He looked thoughtful again. "Hey, do you think it's enough for them to get started? I could easily give them more, you know. My parents left me with..." He looked at Ron again, and halted.

"Yeah, yeah, Harry, I know you're loaded, and that my parents keep refusing to take any money from you. I'm trying not to be jealous, really I am. I do know you'd much rather have your ... your folks back. It's just that, me and Gin have always grown up with hand-me-downs, you know? Mostly me, since Gin's got no older sisters. It's like there's this big block in my head that says money is important. Whereas in your head, Merlin, I don't want to know what blocks there are in your head, except I know money's not one of them. You don't even know how to spend the money you have, since you keep wearing your cousin's oversized clothes."

"Er, yeah," said Harry, much relieved. "I guess I grew up not ever having the option to buy anything, so I don't really understand money. Hermione, what are you looking at me like that for?"

Indeed, Hermione was wearing quite the predatory stare at the moment.

"Just thinking how I'm going to get Ginny to drag you down to Gladrags for a shopping trip. I think she'd quite enjoy it, don't you?"

Horrified, Harry looked to Ron for support. He quickly realized that Ron wasn't going to be much of an ally.

"Hermione," said Ron, "I think you broke him."

"Maybe so, Ronald," she replied, "but I'm sure Gin Gin will be most delighted to fix him."

"Can we stop talking about me," pleaded Harry, "and can someone tell me if I gave the twins enough galleons?"

"Well, brother mine," said Hermione, swinging an arm over Ron's broad shoulders and casting a charm to turn her hair Weasley red, "shall we stop rubbing Harry's nose into the fact that we're going to sic our baby sister on him?"

"Er, yeah," said Ron, wearing a horrifed and stunned look. "Er, wait a minute. Harry, could you excuse us for a moment?"

"Sure," smirked Harry, "I've got to go to the loo anyway. Back in five, or do you need longer?"

"Five minutes should do, Harry," replied Hermione steadily. Harry raised his eyebrows, and Ron looked even more disheartened as Harry left.

"Do you want to go first, Ron?" asked Hermione. She'd known this was coming for a while.

"Er," he replied.

"I can go first, because what I'm going to say isn't going to make you very happy," she said cautiously.

"You really just see me as only a brother?" he asked.

"Er, well," she squirmed. "Yeah."

"But I have these feelings... everyone says we behave like an old married couple and ..."

"Oh, I see," said Hermione, looking rather shocked. "So that's where this came from." She didn't add her opinion that whoever thought she could ever fall for Ron Weasley was clearly delusional - that would hurt his feelings right now. "Tell me, Ron, you and Ginny argue a lot, right?"

"Yes, but we're ... oh."

"Exactly."

"We're very different, aren't we?" said Ron, looking rather relieved.

"Yes, and our mode of communication is bashing our heads together. Not very good for a relationship, is it? Let's face it, without Harry, would we even be friends?"

"No," said Ron after a while, recalling the events of their First Year. "I suppose not. But... er, are we really even friends then?"

"I hope so," replied Hermione, "I mean, yes, if Harry hadn't ever existed, we wouldn't have been friends. But even if he popped out of existence now, I think we'd still be friends. We've been through a lot together, and we have made a connection, even it's been confused recently with all this hormone stuff and people planting ideas in our heads about UnResolved Sexual Tension. I think I see you as the brother I never had."

"Oh," said Ron. Making a mental decision in his head, he opened his arms wide, "Well then, I hereby dub thee an Honorary Weasley."

Hermione was resting her head on Ron's shoulder when Harry got back. The silencing charm was still in place, being localized to the sofa and armchair the trio were sitting on.

"Everything resolved then?" he asked with a smirk.

"Yep," said Ron. "Hermione and I are now brother and sister. She is now an Honorary Weasley, and we will be releasing a royal proclamation to that effect. You're already an Honorary Weasley, of course."

"Oh," said Harry, a bit surprised. "I thought you two would be..."

"Going out?" asked Ron. "Nope. Not a chance. Our Hermione explained it to me. We quarrel like brother and sister, not an old married couple. Besides, she'd kill me. The woman's a bloody praying mantis."

"My brother, King of Vivid Descriptions and Backhanded Compliments," muttered Hermione.

"My sister, Queen of Long Words," retorted Ron.

"Oh," said Harry, leaning back in the chair where Ron had been sitting earlier. "I suppose that makes sense. I did see Padma and Parvati arguing the other day ... yes, it actually explains a lot. You two could well be a pair of highly non-identical twins." He stretched and settled back into his armchair. "Keeping the hair, Mione?"

"The hair?" she asked, conjuring a mirror and looking at it. "Sure, why not? I'll have to get permission from the twins and Ginny, I suppose, but other than that... oh, and I'll have to change it back when I meet my parents. They might view this as serious abandonment of Grangeristan. Perhaps we should change Ron's hair to brown."

"As long as it's not bushy," said Ron after a moment, "That would make me as mental as my sister. Ow! Change of subject, Harry. About the twins. I don't think they need more for the joke shop, but you should ask them yourself. You should also ask them what percentage you're going to get of the profits. Weasleys don't take charity, so they've almost certainly got you down as a silent partner."

"But, but, but I don't want their money!" shouted Harry. "It's a gift, not an investment!"

"Look, Harry, this is the Third Rule of Weasleydom. We do not take charity. It's just not done. Whatever you might like to say, it's an investment." He turned to Hermione. "Sister mine, do you have something to add?"

"Er," she replied. "I don't even know what Rules Number One and Two are."

"Probably something to do with the hair," said Ron dismissively. "I know it's not about silencing charms, because Mum and Dad sometimes forget to use them."

Harry and Hermione groaned simultaneously.

"So that explains the Weasley Madness," muttered Harry.

"Anyway," said Hermione. "I think you're at the age where you should start thinking about investments. It may well be part of your duty as a Potter. The Potter fortune didn't just come from nowhere, right? If your parents hadn't been - you know - you'd probably be getting lessons in the subject. You should ask Remus and Sirius. Maybe you wouldn't start doing this until later in your life, but you are older than your years - in some matters at least - and you are the Head of the Potter family."

Harry visibly brightened up at the new possibilities opened to him. His posture straightened. He honestly had never thought of this before.

"And I have been thinking," she continued, "about this broomstick business. I know you were probably joking, but I think someone - maybe you and Ron - should seriously think about investigating broomsticks."

"Oh?" asked Ron. He removed his arm from Hermione's shoulder and changed his position by ninety degrees so he could see her face properly. Harry also looked interested.

"Yeah," she said uncertainly. "I'm not thinking about Quidditch, though that will obviously come into it later. I'm thinking about the war." Harry's face hardened at once. "Look, I'm sorry to have to bring this up, but it's the reality, isn't it? We've got to get revenge for Harry's parents, right? And for Ron's uncles. And a bunch of other people. Before I leave England, I want to kick Voldemort's arse."

"Hey, wait a minute," said Harry. "What's this about leaving the country?"

"England is no place for an ambitious Muggleborn witch," replied Hermione. "There is so much discrimination against us! If I joined the Ministry, I'd never get promoted, and no-one would ever listen to me anyway. I'll want to free House Elves and revamp the justice system - make sure everyone gets a trial - and start taxes so that the Ministry is less prone to Malfoy types buying it off, and I'll go mad even thinking about it."

"But you'd leave us!" cried Ron.

"It's not like I'd want to leave my family behind," said Hermione. "That's you two, and my parents of course. But please don't forget that I'm a witch, and an ambitious witch at that. If I wasn't a Mudblood, I'd have been placed in Slytherin at once. The Sorting Hat told me that in first year, though it used the word Muggleborn of course."

"You're a SLYTHERIN?" yelled Ron, horrified.

"Can it, Ron!" shouted Harry before Ron could say something he would regret. "The Hat almost placed me in Slytherin as well!"

Ron opened his mouth and then closed it in disbelief.

"I didnt know that," said Hermione slowly, looking at Harry.

"It's not something you'd want to admit," said Harry, who was still looking at Ron warily.

"I don't know about that either," replied Hermione. "I think our opinions of Slytherin are too warped by that pile of Thestral droppings that walks around calling itself Draco Malfoy. Did you know Alastor Moody was a Slytherin? And Professor McGonagall's older brother and sister. They were both killed by Death Eaters during the first war."

"Alright, alright," said Ron after several deep breaths. He seemed to be pacified by the Malfoy insults. "I'll get over it. It's just somewhat ... surprising. You're still my honorary sister and brother, okay? Now, Hermione, we'll talk about you leaving the country later. What were you saying about broomsticks and war?"

Harry nodded at Ron's suggestion and looked at Hermione expectantly.

"Right. Broomsticks. I think we're going to have some battles in the future, and that it would be useful to make broomsticks that can act like fighter planes in World War Two." She glanced at Harry, whose eyes widened before he nodded vigorously. He'd read stories in adventure books about dogfights and the RAF vs the Luftwaffe while he was an ignored kid in Muggle primary school. "Ron, a plane is a Muggle machine that can fly. It's much bigger and not as maneuverable as a broomstick, but..."

"Think of it as a lot of broomsticks stuck together," said Harry excitedly. "I think I see where Hermione's going with this and she's on to something." Hermione grinned widely and blushed slightly. "They could drop bombs - things that go boom and hurt lots of people - over a large area. Imagine us getting Neville to make a cauldron of - well, anything really as long as Neville's making it - and flying over Riddle's house and dropping it and getting out of the way. Am I on the right track, Hermione?"

She nodded vigorously. "Professor Snape would be horrified by the thought of Neville making something useful," she said to Ron's guffaws.

"In World War Two - that's the Muggle version of the War Against Grindelwald - each Muggle plane had two people in it. One to fly the plane and the other to shoot bullets - that's their equivalent of spells like Stupefy and Avada - at other fighter planes from the opposite side."

"Things have changed since 1945, of course," added Hermione. "But you get the idea. Broomsticks as war weapons. Well, Ron, what do you think?"

"Eh?" said Ron, breaking out of a reverie. "I'm in, of course. No need to sell me on the idea. Especially if You-Know-Who uses dragons. We'd have to work on shielding charms for the brooms so they can't be jinxed like Harry's was in first year, and we'd have to decide what to use as bombs - Fred and George will have lots of ideas - and it would have to be longer so that it could hold three people - one to fly, one to maintain a shield charm, one to fire spells and stuff - er, Harry, would you be willing to..."

"No need to ask, Ron," smiled Harry. "This is a good investment. I think using the Potter fortune to fight Voldemort is a great idea. And we'll probably get new ideas to use for Quidditch brooms while we're making war brooms. I think we should go get started right away, actually, so let's go find the twins. And maybe some of the Quidditch team. Sorry Hermione, but we've got work to do. Unless you want to join us...?"

Hermione smiled at the two excited boys. She didn't intend to mention to them that the things they would learn while making the brooms would also help them pass their OWLs. Not that exams would be important if they were able to make a living out of this. And while she hadn't managed to get to the original reason she wanted to talk to them, there would be time for that later.

"No, I'm fine," she replied. "You two go discuss flying monsters. Remember you'll have to train people to fly them as well. I've got loads of things to work on."

They grinned at her and scooted up to their dormitory.

Hermione removed Ron's silencing charm and went to find her dorm-mates. She had to shoot down the rumour of her fancying Ron and tell Parvati and Lavender that she was now his second sister. Actually, she'd need to tell Ginny first. And she wanted to ask Ginny if the Vatican really had its own Quidditch team and if there were any witches on it.

A/N: Credits : The icon-sized pictures here are from WomanLikeMe's extensive collection. She makes lots - do check them out. The Weasley Twin pic is from the HP Lexicon. Any picture can be clicked on to see where it comes from - hopefully that deals with all accreditation issues.

There is a good reason for Hermione's more-confident-than-normal behaviour here, and for her hinting at Harry/Ginny. I am completely aware that Ginny had Rowling under the Imperius Curse when HBP was written, and that HHr fans around the world are boycotting the OOTP movie because of the R/Hr URST scenes it has. We'll wait for the DVD instead, since it will hopefully have an option for Harmonists that has those disgusting scenes deleted.

What? There's no boycott of the movie? Well, there ought to be. I know I'm not watching it.

All the women that Hermione used in her fake long name were famous and/or strong women : Lady Diana Spencer, Catherine the Great, Margaret Thatcher, Indira Gandhi, Mother Theresa (born Agnes Bojaxhiu), and the Biblical heroine Judith.

Judith requires some explanation, especially since she is the closest in character to this Hermione. A long long time ago, in a land far far far away (unless you're reading this in Israel/Palestine), the Assyrian army was besieging a Jewish town and had cut off its water supply. Things were dire. Judith, a beautiful and wealthy widow, went to the Assyrian camp and - er - charmed the Assyrian army leader Holofernes in his tent. When he was asleep, she nailed his head to the ground with a tent peg (yes, feel free to say EWWW here). She then chopped said head off and returned to the city where she showed the head to the menfolk (see portrait above by Allori) and told them to get off their arses and attack the headless Assyrian army. They did so, and won.

The Book of Judith is part of the Catholic Bible, but was removed from the Jewish and Protestant Old Testaments. Given the rampant chauvinism in the Vatican, this is rather surprising. The reason for the removal is that the book is deemed of being too historically inaccurate to be true. Given that the Bible happily still has the story of the Seven Day Creation, this is odd.

The reason I thought of Hermione being a fan of Judith is because it is mentioned in the fabulous Hermione/Blaise fic Diagon Venus by tamlane.

The title of this fic was inspired by the Trek movie "The Wrath Of Khan". There's no connection really, it just sounds cool. (Addendum: There is no connection whatsoever with the painfully bad song of the same name by the group Harry and the Potters. I learnt of them over a month after this fic was completed.)

This fic was written because there's a shortage of fics with Kickass!Hermione . Here are some exceptions :

• lorien829's HHr apocalyptic fic Resistance,
• Rurouni Star's HGSB fics like Out Of Time,
• DisneyDoll0424's HGRL MWPP fic This Time Around.
• The most original fic ever written - Myranya's Dementors. It's Azkaban!Hermione. (Speaking of which, any Azkaban!Harry fic where Hermione turns her back on Harry is a joke, and any author who writes such a fic should be inflicted with nine hundred and ninety eight paper cuts and boiled in baby oil.)
• Jamesite's Forgotten Past, a LOTR crossover with a Hermione that's so super!Hermione she's not Hermione any more. (I'm still not sure if it should be on this list.)
• FuryOfMedia's If Life Gives You Lemons...Throw Them Back! has marvellous language.

No - I forgot one last thing! This is a link to my C2 on ffnet : "Anyone But Ron : HHr and Hermionecentric stories (no RHr, no HGSS)". The blurb for the C2 is "JKR may have created Hermione Jane Granger but clearly hates her. How could a smart female character fall for an insensitive male idiot like Ron? These fics ship HJG with someone worth it: Harry, Fred, George, Bill, Fleur, Tonks, Blaise, Draco, Minerva, Remus, Sirius... even Tom. A few shipless fics too. HPGW [the allegedly canon ship that Rowling suddenly introduced in HBP while under Ginny's Imperius] is only present as a secondary ship.

Now I'll shut up.