The Secret Diary of Ron Weasley aged 16 & 1/2

Disclaimer: I do not own nor do I claim to own the copyrights for the characters in this work of fiction.

A/N: Thank you so much for all the reviews! I wasn’t expecting that many! In response to a few comments – yep, Ron really IS this immature! In fact, he’s based a little bit on a friend of mine, who is actually well into his twenties, but still has a snigger if he catches sight of a girls knickers or something! Sad but true.

I started this after reading the Adrian Mole books again recently, so yes it’s reminiscent of them, although obviously not the plot or characters. And I have read the Bridget Jones books, many, many times so some of that will probably creep in too. I’m actually Scottish, so hopefully you’re all understanding my slang – I’m trying to keep it as English as possible.

Hermione says I don’t read enough. I pointed out I’d read every Chudley Cannon’s yearbook for the past ten years, but apparently that doesn’t count.

8.00pm: I’ve taken a book out of the library about Godric Gryffindor. Maybe I’ll start reading all this intellectual stuff and Hermione and me will have really deep and meaningful conversations all night and she’ll realise that I’m the only one who’ll she’ll ever be able to talk to about the things that matter…

8.30pm: This book is unbelievably boring.

8.45pm: Godric Gryffindor might say ‘He who lives by the wand dies by the wand,’ but he hasn’t used his wand once yet! YAAAAWN!

9.45pm: Have read fifteen-and-a-half pages of this muck.

10.00pm: Have hidden the sports pages of the Daily Prophet behind the book, so it looks like I’m still reading it.

10.15pm: Got found out. Dozed off and dropped the book, and the Daily Prophet fell out. Hermione’s not impressed. Will have to base our relationship on the fact that opposites attract I think.

Charms was especially dull today. Still, gave me plenty thinking time.

Colin Creevey just burst into the classroom to say that Professor McGonagall wants me to go and help with six first years who’ve bought my brothers’ skiving snackboxes and can’t stop puking. Just my bloody luck.

We have a new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher! She’s called Madame Bones and she’s Susan’s aunt. She seems really cool – thank goodness we don’t have to put up with that portrait of Phineas Nigellus teaching us any more – he was rubbish.

Harry’s called a meeting of the DA tomorrow, cos his scar’s been hurting again and he thinks we need to be prepared.

High Point: I’m making real headway with my poem for Hermione. It’s quite romantic, with a hint of seduction:

Pretty girl with the bushy hair

I’d like to see your underwear

I love the way you suck your quill

It really does give me a thrill

After writing that, couldn’t carry on for a while as kept getting sexy pictures in my head…

Low Point: Can’t find anything that rhymes with ‘bouncing’.

Just finished the DA meeting.

I rolled my sleeves up tonight for the meeting, because apparently (according to Warlock magazine) chicks dig scars, and I’ve still got the marks of where that brain attacked me last year. And look at Harry with his scar!

Mind you, loads of birds seem to like Malfoy, and he doesn’t have a scar at all. Unless he’s got one on his...

ARGH! Why is my brain thinking these things? Sometimes I disgust myself…

Zacharias Smith was being a real dickhead tonight. He kept saying that we couldn’t trust Ginny because she’s consorting with Malfoy, and anyway, why were we having meetings anymore when we had a proper DADA teacher now? But Susan Bones said her aunt thought the DA was a great idea, so that shut him up. Ha!

Still, was a good excuse to have a go at Ginny about Malfoy anyway. She took a huge tantrum and gave the cushion I was sitting on spider’s legs, which was really uncalled for. Just proves that she is far too immature for a boyfriend, in my opinion. Unlike Hermione and me, who are at the perfect stage of maturity for a fulfilling relationship…

Just used a trip jinx on Zacharias when he was having a drink of water. It went all down the inside of his robes. Ha ha! I never get tired of that one…

Prefect duty at lunchtime today.

Some of those Ravenclaw girls are really nasty. I caught them today in the corridor on the third floor levitating a picture of Luna’s mum just above her head, and laughing at her. I know that Luna usually wanders about in a dream, but she seemed really upset. I shouted at them a bit and took twenty points each off them – so they can stick that in their cauldron and boil it!

Luna looked like she was going to cry when I gave her back the picture – I felt dead sorry for her. She said ‘You’re a true knight Ronald, like Sir Cadogan but with more freckles.’

I think that was a compliment, but Sir Cadogan? Isn’t he completely mental? Still, feel quite pleased with myself. Hermione’s too good at looking after herself for me to do things like that for her.

Have got book out of library about knights. They seem pretty cool. I’m not all that keen on horses mind you. Some of the language is a bit old fashioned: ‘Thou art never to do outrageousity, nor murder…always to do ladies, damsels, and gentle women succour.’

Not sure what ‘damsels’ are. Think they’re a kind of fruit. As I suspected – completely mental.

Might grow a beard like Sir Lancelot.

Hermione says that the concept of knights in shining armour is inherently sexist and implies that women are incapable of taking care of themselves, but need to be rescued by some idiot on a horse with a big lance.

Harry and me managed to hold on until she’d left the room before we started laughing. ‘Big lance’ – hee hee!

High Point: Malfoy and Ginny have fallen out! Heard her storming about the common room this morning. Couldn’t really hear what she was saying to Lavender, but was something like, ‘If he doesn’t know what he’s done wrong, then I don’t see why I should tell him…it’s not what he said…it’s the way he said it…’

Sounds like a win-win situation for me – if he doesn’t know what he’s done, he can’t apologise (not that I can imagine Malfoy apologising for anything anyway). Then Harry can come to the rescue!

Low Point: That complete slime-bucket Malfoy levitated a soppy love note through the common room window to Ginny! Unbelievable. I swear he makes me want to puke. Saw a bit of the note – it just said ‘we’re a pair of starcross’d lovers’ or some crap like that. What’s that supposed to mean? Hope it doesn’t mean they’re SHAGGING!

Hopefully Malfoy isn’t capable of shagging because of the disfiguring scar on his….NO! NO! Must stop brain from thinking these things!

Less than a week to go before Valentines Day, and my poem isn’t going well. Am considering asking Harry for help, though I won’t tell him who the card’s for. After all, he’s already finished his card for Ginny. I’m sure he can spare some ideas…

Later: Harry was pretty unhelpful really. He said I needed to be subtler and not mention underwear in the first verse. He obviously knows nothing about poetry! By mentioning underwear, I am of course referring via metaphor to her naked body! After all, if I only wanted to see her underwear, I could just go to the laundry. Actually, that might be an idea…

Even later: have decided to start from scratch. This one is turning out even better:

Come to me, my dark eyed beauty

Your eyelashes are black and sooty

I watch you as you stir your potions

You make me feel such sweet emotions

We are different, you and I

We don’t always see eye to eye

Maybe if I study hard

I’ll go up in your regard

Until then, remember this

Yours are the lips I’d like to kiss

Love, Ron.

Am a genius! I know valentine’s cards are supposed to be anonymous, but I’m not letting anyone else take credit for this.

Defence Against the Dark Arts was completely brilliant today! Madame Bones spent the whole time telling us stories of wizards she’s caught and put in Azkaban. She’s a scary lady. I can kind of imagine Hermione being like her when she’s that age. Don’t know how happy I am about that.

Mum is being a complete embarrassment. She’s obviously heard about the valentine’s feast and she’s sent me a revolting pink knitted bunny rabbit to give to ‘my sweetheart’. What the bloody hell am I going to do with that?

Later: Ha ha! Harry and me stuck one of Fred and George’s Whiz-Bangs up the rabbit’s arse and sent it out the window. Nearly landed on Mrs Norris – nice one! Will tell mum that Pig dropped it on the way to deliver it to me.

Lake completely froze over in the night so Harry and me went for a slide after lessons. Made up a game called BUSH where you take the biggest run up you can, slide across the lake, and launch yourself into a bush, shouting, of course ‘BUSH!’. Simple yet effective, I think.

Harry did a completely brilliant slide that went for about 50 metres, went head over heels into a rhododendron bush, and ripped the seat out of his trousers. Magic.

Snape, the completely evil, slimy, greasy, smelly, big-nosed, dung brained GIT has given me Harry and Neville a ridiculous amount of homework, and says we have to get it done for tomorrow. Just because I burnt the bottom out of my cauldron and spilled a tiny bit of shrinking potion on the floor. Of course Snape went and stood in it and his shoes shrank so much that his toes burst out at the front. Then Harry caught the sleeve of his robe on the cauldron and sent the rest of the potion flying over Crabbe and Goyle (not sure exactly how much of that was an accident mind you –seizing the moment, more like). Poor old Neville just happened to be standing next to us when Snape started handing out punishments…

High Point: Crabbe and Goyle now have tiny shrunken heads! Never seen two humans look more like trolls in my life.

Low Point: We had set up a totally huge Wizarding Chess tournament and I was going to kick everyone’s arses! Now we’ve got to write a foot of parchment on how to chop up daisy roots.

Typical.

What a day! Have finished putting the final touches to my valentine’s poem. Managed to get Snape’s bloody homework done as well, just in time! Shoved it under his door with Harry’s and Neville’s.

Have hidden Hermione’s card in her shoe. Hermione my sweet, you have a wonderful surprise awaiting you! Sweet dreams….

Valentines Day.

Cannot believe what happened today – think I’m going to jump off Gryffindor Tower.

It started this morning when I secretly watched Hermione open her card from me. Could see her reading the note inside. She looked really confused so thought I’d ask her what was going on – after all, sometimes poetry needs a bit of interpretation…

She said ‘I got this card, but they haven’t written anything in it – just put in a bit of parchment with some Potions homework on it!’

Could feel myself starting to panic. If the poem wasn’t there, then where was it? Ran up to the dorm to look for it. It was gone.

I’ve only gone and sent a love poem to Snape.

Immediate plan of action was to somehow break into Snape’s office and get the poem back. Surely not even he is sad enough to do all his marking on a Friday night?

Am starting to realise in complete horror that Snape could easily think the poem is talking about him. Lines keep coming back to me…

PLEASE SOMEONE KILL ME NOW!

Snape is going to murder me for taking the piss out of him…

Raced down to his office, but couldn’t get in. Filch caught me just as I was about to do an Alohomora spell on the door. He says Snape is away till Thursday.

Went back to bed after that and pulled covers over head. I can’t go on.

Need to get a grip. Maybe can pretend I was under the imperious curse? I could blame Malfoy! Or…or could act like I’ve gone completely mad – although not sure exactly how I would do this. Have vague idea that it involves putting a pair of underpants on your head, two quills up your nose and saying ‘wooble’.

1pm: Right. I’m sure I didn’t hand in the poem to Snape. I probably just threw it away. There’s nothing to worry about.

3pm: WHY ME?

3.30pm: I’m doomed. DOOOOMED!

5pm: Harry just came in and asked why I missed Quidditch practice. Thought about trying the insane act on him, but doubt it would work. He said a valentine card had arrived for me at lunchtime. Could see that he had a quite few valentines himself! The sly dog. Opened the card, but didn’t seem to be from Hermione. It had a pop-up lion in it that roared and then said ‘Be my valentine’. The roaring lion reminds me of someone, but I can’t think who…

6pm: Time for the feast. The Great Hall was covered in pink stuff, like little cupids and floating hearts. A bit vomit-inducing to be honest. Most of the girls were in a state of giggly excitement, and even Hermione looked bright eyed and bushy haired. I couldn’t bring myself to make a move tonight though; I was too despondent about the poem fiasco.

Could see Ginny sitting with Malfoy beside the first years at the Slytherin table. Has she no shame? Weird to see Malfoy smiling like a human being instead of the usual sneer. Can’t understand how she can put up with his girly hair though.

Wound Harry up about the amount of valentine cards he had got. Hermione seemed to get really annoyed for some reason – maybe she’s fed up because she only got one card that had potions formulas in it instead of a romantic rhyme. She said that valentine’s day was a cynical commercial con that has nothing to do with real love and romance, which was all about spontaneity and nothing to do with floating pink hearts.

Harry said ‘I agree with you Hermione, you know I do. But I can’t help it if some silly little girls send me cards, can I?’ That seemed to calm her down. But talk about tetchy! It’s Harry’s problem if he got loads of cards, not hers.

Had grabbed a cupid and was trying to get it to fire an arrow into the back of Malfoy’s neck when I realised Harry and Hermione had disappeared. Lavender said they’d gone to decorate the common room for the party afterwards. She smirked at me a bit after she said that and rolled her eyes – she obviously doesn’t have much faith in their decorating abilities.

Saw Luna across the room, sitting by herself. Those cows from her year were sitting with their backs to her, but she didn’t seem too bothered. She gave me a little wave and smiled, which was nice. She must get quite lonely.

Dean Thomas interrupted at that point saying ‘I think we’ve given them long enough,’ and we all went upstairs.

Common room was strangely bare – Hermione probably wouldn’t let Harry put any decorations up after all, since she thinks valentine’s day is a load of codswallop. She seemed to have cheered up a bit though.

Went to bed quite early to ponder Operation: Get Poem off Snape.

Have got enormous spot on side of nose – definitely caused by stress. Hermione will never know what I’ve been through for her!

Managed to get into Snape’s office this afternoon – no sign of the stupid bloody poem. Please let the house-elves have burnt it!

Too depressed to do anything tonight. Didn’t even get a thrill like I usually do when Hermione bent over to hitch her socks up. How can I think of sex when Snape is days away from murdering me?

How ironic that I did all this to get a shag, and now I’m going to die a virgin!

Might run away and go into hiding. Think am hairy enough to grow a goatee beard as disguise. Could live in the mountains and only come down once a week for a pint of ale in the village pub, and all the girls will be going ‘Ooh who’s that handsome bearded stranger, he must have a dark secret…’

No, no. It was a woman that got me into this mess in the first place! Must concentrate.

Professor Sprout took us for double potions today. I asked her if she had any homework to hand to us, but she said Professor Snape would give it back to us on Thursday. Can this torture get any worse?

Am in complete state of mental breakdown. Can’t take the impending doom any longer.

Low Point: Neville beat me at wizard chess today. In four moves.

Lower Point: Noticed that Hermione had another valentine’s card that she was carrying around in her bag. Think it was a musical one too, because I saw her reading it and smiling, and then slamming it shut quickly. Why didn’t I just do a musical one and leave it at that?

Day of Reckoning

Couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of potions. Sat in the classroom feeling sick.

When Snape came in he didn’t even look at me. Maybe I just threw the poem away after all!

No such luck. Snape started handing back everyone’s homework from last week. Gave an especially nasty sneer when he handed mine back – was the bloody poem. He’d written ‘Weasley – see me after class’ in red ink right across it. He’s going to think I was taking the mickey out of him and give me detention for a year!

Later: Am in shock. Feel slightly hysterical and will have to lie down. Will write more tomorrow.

Can never go to potions again.

Yesterday was a nightmare I keep hoping I’ll wake up from.

After potions Snape called me over to his desk – was completely crapping myself.

‘Weasley,’ he said. ‘I know that adolescence can be a very confusing time for teenagers.’ I nodded but had no idea what he was going on about.

‘And I know how easy it is to develop crushes at this age. Especially on someone who is obviously intellectually superior to you.’ How does he know I fancy Hermione? Is it that obvious?

‘It’s not that I’m not flattered.’ WHAT?

‘But obviously, I am your teacher and you are my pupil, and that is the way things will stay.’ WHAT THINGS?

‘I suppose I should have noticed the signs of your crush – the clumsiness, the inability to answer a simple question…’

‘Lets just leave things at that, shall we? We’ll say no more about it.’ He looked up at me through his eyelashes.

Never, ever, even if I take my eyes out and boil them, will I be able to erase the image of Snape flirting with me, with his ‘black and sooty’ eyelashes!

Mumbled something or other and managed to get out of the classroom without falling over.

I’ll never feel clean again!

Hermione made me go to Madame Pomfrey after I had six showers today. She thinks someone’s jinxed me into thinking I’m dirty all the time or something.

If only she knew!

High Point: There is a new nurse helping out in the hospital wing, and she’s got amazing knockers! She’s also got a very modern approach to medicine i.e. she thinks lots of hugs and nice little chats do as much good as medicine and resting. I’ve had my face crushed to her bosom three times so far, it’s fantastic. Had to wriggle away pretty sharpish though, as was getting a bit overheated, and this would have been tragically noticeable under the sheet.

Low Point: Madame Pomfrey has got a bit suspicious of me and has relegated Daisy (the new nurse) to refilling all the potion bottles. Never mind – there’s a possibility of a sponge bath tomorrow – fingers crossed!

Harry and Hermione came and visited me today, but not for very long. They seemed quite anxious to get away, and they kept stealing little glances at each other and smirking. They’re obviously planning something for me when I get out of the hospital wing! I’d better remember and act surprised.

Ginny came with Luna to visit me in the afternoon. Fought with Ginny almost straight away, as noticed she’s wearing some kind of tacky snake ring that Malfoy’s obviously given her. Asked her what she thought she looked like. She stormed off in a big drama queen huff and left me and Luna sitting there.

‘Ronald,’ she said solemnly. ‘Are you alright?’

‘I’ll be fine,’ I said. ‘What about you?’

‘You mean those girls in my class don’t you?’ she sighed. Then she told me that they didn’t really bother her that much, but it was a bit lonely not having anyone to talk to. ‘My dad’s always so busy you see. And I talk to my mother, but she doesn’t really talk back.’

Hmmmm – talks to dead mother. Not a good sign.

‘Ginny’s been a good friend to me, but now she has a boyfriend…’ I think I snarled a bit at this point, ‘…I don’t really see much of her. But I’m alright.’

Still, it must be horrible being left out of everything. Thank goodness I’ve got Harry and Hermione – I know they would never leave me out. It’s a shame really, because Luna seems nice enough. And quite pretty too, in an odd kind of way. Her hair was really shiny and I found myself wanting to touch it – not an effect Hermione’s hair often has on me, I’ll admit. I must have been a bit woozy from the potions Madame Pomfrey had been filling me with.

Unfortunately at that point she went off into some babble about Aquavirius Maggots and I think I dozed off.

Back to sodding school.

Thought Hermione might have been more pleased to see me, but she was in a stinking mood. Think it’s because we’ve got to take the first years on a school trip to Magedelin’s Magical Menagerie and Harry gets to stay at Hogwarts and take it easy. He seems fed up too – maybe he’ll miss me at Quidditch training.

Nightmare. Accidentally vanished Harry’s glasses in Charms today. Was distracted by Hermione’s wand movements (was watching in case her chest wobbled) and pointed wand in wrong direction. Though Harry was going to cry when Professor Flitwick said it would take a couple of days to find them.

High Point: I know how to do a vanishing charm!

Low Point: Harry didn’t find the snitch at training today until it smacked him in the face.

Hermione is being really helpful to Harry in his half-blind state. It’s nice to know she would do the same for me if I were struck blind.

Heard their voices coming from the dorm today. Hermione must have been helping Harry put his laundry away. He was saying ‘Oh Hermione, yes. Wait…not there, there. Yes! That’s it!’ It’s nice that Harry’s being so encouraging, but you’d think Hermione was the blind one! How difficult can it be to put something in Harry’s drawers?

McGonagall called all prefects into her study tonight about the school trip tomorrow. She says we are representing the school and must make sure we leave a good impression.

Surely allowing Malfoy and Pansy Parkinson to be prefects in the first place has mucked that up from the start? Kept mouth shut though, as McGonagall was in one of her scary ‘don’t-think-I-WON’T-take-points-from-my-own-house-if-you-push-me’ moods.

High Point: Harry’s glasses turned up today!

Low Point: Myrtle found them in her toilet and she’s refusing to give them back until Harry visits her personally. Brrrr.

First Year’s School Trip

Don’t think Hogwarts students will ever be allowed within the gates of Magedelin’s Magical Menagerie again…

8.30am: Carriage arrives to pick us up. Driver’s name is Albert – looks a bit grumpy

8.45am: All pupils on carriage ready to go

8.47am: Stop to let Milly Middleton be sick

8.49am: Stop so I can go and get the camera Colin was lending me. Professor Sprout gives me filthy look

8.54am: Stop so Milly Middleton can be sick again

9.01am: Leave school gates.

9.13am: Have to return to school as have forgotten packed lunches. Driver says something unrepeatable that makes Professor Sprout go bright red and Professor Grubbly-Plank’s mouth go like a dog’s bum.

9.30am: On the road!

10.00am: Sound of Milly Middleton barfing into her hat kind of disgusting. Hermione looks a bit green. I, however, have stomach of steel.

10.10am: Stop to let me off to be sick.

10.20am: I mean why would that child’s parents give permission for her to go on a school trip if she can’t even sit in a stationary carriage without puking?

11.00am: Arrive at menagerie.

11.10am: Meet Hagrid at the entrance as was too big to fit in carriage with the rest of us. Takes us directly to the ‘endangered species’ section.

11.30am: Have an unconscious first year under each arm as Hagrid decided to introduce them to the delights of Fwoopers. Can see Hermione slowly reaching boiling point. She looks kind of sexy.

12.00pm: The packed lunches are really, really bad. I mean, liver sandwiches? Have a feeling Hagrid may have ordered them from the kitchens.

12.05pm: Milly Middleton sick again.

1.00pm: Have seen a chimaera, two bugbears, a tank of billywigs, a mackled malaclaw, have pulled one first year out of the hippocampus enclosure, two out of the red cap enclosure and have been bitten by a stinking dugbog.

1.30pm: Mrs Magedelin is complaining to Professor Sprout and Hagrid about the first years levitating ashwinders into the runespoor enclosure to make them fight, then betting on it. She wants us all to leave or she’s ‘calling the authorities’.

1.45pm: One of the Slytherin first years called Mrs Magedelin a ‘rotten old cow’ and stamped on her foot. Hermione tried to get Malfoy to do something about him, but he was laughing too hard to lift his wand.

1.50pm: Hermione really attractive when she’s angry. Feel kind of turned on after watching her thump Malfoy and dangle horrible Slytherin first year by the ankle over a tank of doxies till he apologised.

2.00pm: All back in carriage. Alas, Hermione’s disciplinary measures came too late and we were asked to leave. Can’t find Albert the driver though.

2.10pm: Albert located in the adjoining pub.

2.15pm: Albert appears to be in a much happier mood. Has started a sing-a-long.

2.20pm: Albert’s choice of song ‘The hedgehog can never be buggered at all…’ has been deemed unsuitable by Professor Sprout. Professor Grubbly-Plank’s mouth is even more like dog’s bum.

2.45pm: Pansy Parkinson and Ernie Macmillan have both been sick – think this may be liver-related.

3.50pm: Back at Hogwarts. Professor Sprout looks on brink of nervous breakdown. Hermione’s lips are so thin with disapproval they are on verge of disappearing. Milly Middleton has just wolfed down a bag of chocolate frogs and looks very pleased with herself.

4.00pm: Lying down in dorm with cold flannel on head. Think will hand in prefect’s badge to Professor McGonagall in morning – never want to go through that again.

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References: Ron’s plan of acting insane – this is Edmund Blackadder’s plan in the last episode of Blackadder Goes Forth. This is the scene:

(Edmund wears underpants on his head with two pencils up his nose)

Edmund: Right, Baldrick, this is an old trick I picked up in the Sudan. We tell HQ that I've gone insane, and I'll be invalided back to Blighty before you can say "Wooble" -- a poor gormless idiot.

Baldrick: But I'm a poor gormless idiot, sir, and I've never been invalided back to Blighty.

Edmund: Yes, Baldrick, but you never said "Wooble." Now, ask me some simple questions.

Baldrick: Right. What is your name?

Edmund: Wooble...

Baldrick: What is two plus two?

Edmund: Oh, wooble wooble.

Baldrick: Where do you live?

Edmund: London.

Baldrick: Eh?

Edmund: A small village on Mars, just outside the capital city, Wooble.

Albert’s song – ‘The hedgehog can never be buggered at all’ is of course Nanny Ogg’s favourite song from Terry Pratchett’s Discworld series. Some of the lyrics are as follows:

The spines on his back are too sharp for a man
They'll give you a pain in the worst place they can
The result I think you will find will appal:
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all!