The Birds, The Bees & Sirius Black

Author’s Note: This was written over a year ago, but I’ve only just unearthed it in the insanity that is my computer. I believe I posted at the FAP Cookie Jar and so it’s at the Pumpkin Pie Archive group as well. That said, I’ve been through it with a fine-toothed comb and so it’s a little different from older versions.

The Birds, the Bees and Sirius Black

Ron and everyone else bade them farewell as term came to an end. Ron left with some not-so-well chosen words about mischief, while the others merely hooted with laughter. Then, Harry and Hermione had the Tower to themselves for their last Christmas at Hogwarts.

“All ours! It’s all ours!” Harry crowed triumphantly, dancing around a little.

“Well, it isn’t actually,” said Hermione. Harry stopped dancing and looked crestfallen.

“What?”

“There’s a second year girl, Louise Edwards. She’s staying. But her best friend is in Hufflepuff, so she’ll probably stay there a lot. There’s a few Hufflepuffs here, but Professor McGonagall said that there’s only eleven students staying this year."

“Hmm. Sounds like Hogwarts Castle is going to be nice and secluded this Christmas,” said Harry, lighting the fire in the common room and settling down on the sofa. Hermione joined him and he slid his arms around her waist.

“Do you know the date today?” he asked.

“I do indeed. December 19th.”

“Exactly. It is three months since your birthday.”

“Is it really?” she asked, feigning surprise.

“Yes. Which means it’s three months since you came to your senses and agreed to be my girlfriend,” he said. She snorted derisively.

“Three months since you got up the courage to ask, you mean.”

“Picky, picky,” he laughed. She turned and placed a kiss on his cheek. The kiss moved into snogging and from there into pawing and groping, until Harry suddenly pulled away.

“Did I tell you that Sirius will be here for Christmas Day?” he said. She glared.

“If you were thinking about Sirius when you were snogging me...”

“No I wasn’t!” he said hastily. “But seeing as his head is in the fireplace right now, I thought it was a prime time to tell you.”

He grinned as she turned, blushing furiously, to where Sirius’ head was floating in the fire.

“Not interrupting anything?” Sirius asked with an innocent look on his face and a twinkle in his eye.

“Nothing at all. Nothing important, anyway,” Hermione said with a sly grin towards Harry.

“Hi Sirius. Everything OK?” Harry asked, particularly concerned.

“Oh yes. I was just going to let you know that Remus will also be joining us.”

Professor Lupin had left at the end of term for destinations unknown, but now it appeared he would be back after all. Sirius smirked.

“I hadn’t realised I’d be interrupting you," he said. "Is this the time to tell you all about the birds and the bees, Mr Potter?”

“Not at all,” Harry said hurriedly. Sirius looked as if he wanted to make a smart remark but admirably held back.

“Well, you know where I am if you want to talk,” Sirius winked at Hermione and grinned broadly. “See you at Christmas.”

“Bye Sirius,” Harry said wryly.

“Bye!” Hermione managed a rather chirpier tone. Sirius’ head disappeared and the fire returned to normal.

“Well, that was nice and embarrassing,” Harry said, his face beet red. “The birds and the bees...”

“Well,” Hermione asked in a crafty voice. “How much do you know about the birds and the bees?”

“Enough, Miss Granger,” he said, echoing the response she’d given during the shower accident weeks ago.

“Oh really?”

“Yeah,” he said casually. “Remember sex education last year? And the year before?”

“Of course I do. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Professor McGonagall look quite so uncomfortable teaching before.”

“How do you think us boys felt? We were taught by Snape.”

“Could’ve been worse,” Hermione ruminated. Harry looked disbelieving.

“How? How could that have been worse?”

“Gilderoy Lockhart could still be here,” she said. Harry hooted with laughter at that.

“Can you imagine?” he said. “Now boys, I don’t expect that you’ll be able to do it as well as I do, but if you’ve read Chapter Two of Holidays with Hags, you’ll be able to pick up lots of tips on how do it just like me!” Harry’s Lockhart impression was almost uncanny. “Then it turns out that it wasn’t him that did any of it and it was actually Errol Flynn.”

“The mind boggles at the thought,” Hermione said through a giggle.

“OK, Snape would be a better option than Lockhart. But... I still...”

“What?” Hermione asked gently, noticing the melancholy shadow that had descended over his face.

“It’s times like these that... That I wish my dad was around. I bet I could’ve asked him all kinds of stuff. And I bet he’d be embarrassed at first, but then he’d be OK and tell me whatever I needed to know. Then he’d lecture me about respecting the chick...” he paused for Hermione’s righteous yell. “And then Sirius would probably tease him about it when he found out.”

“You could talk to Sirius,” Hermione said. “I’m sure he’d understand.”

“I don’t know. He’s got stuff of his own to worry about. And... I think it would just remind us both of how messed up everything is.”

“How do you mean?”

“Well, sometimes, when I talk to him and it’s the sort of thing I might’ve talked to my mum or dad about... And I sometimes feel that he’s thinking that he’s not the same, that somehow he’s not good enough. And I don’t want him to feel like that.”

“Maybe you can get over it by actually talking to him?” Hermione suggested. “You need to get over that hurdle. Let him know that, even though he isn’t your dad, that his advice and opinion is still important to you.”

“Maybe you’re right.”

“I know I’m right. I’m Hermione, I’m always right.”

“Don’t I know it,” he said, pausing again for the righteous ‘hey’. “I’ll talk to him when he’s here. I think I’d rather talk to the real man than a flame about this one.”

He blushed a little.

“What?”

“It’s going to be so embarrassing,” he said. Hermione smiled a little.

“Probably. But it’s also a rite of passage everyone must endure,” she said authoritatively “You can’t just get away with an excruciating lesson or two with Snape. We all had to endure our parents umming and ahhing and blushing furiously. You have to deal with Sirius.”

“I can’t see Sirius umming and ahhing, can you?”

“Not really. He’ll probably give you dating tips,” she laughed.

“Oh, I don’t need them.”

“Potter too smooth for tips, is he?”

“No. But I don’t think my girlfriend would be pleased if I was off picking up chicks.”

“No, she wouldn’t,” Hermione agreed fervently. “That’s the second time you’ve used the word ‘chick’. You’ve been listening to Ron and Dean again, haven’t you?”

“Guilty as charged,” he admitted, hanging his head.

“Well, I’ve got all of Christmas to reverse their teachings.”

“Before Ron comes back and ruins all your hard work.”

“Exactly. That’s what makes it so fun. We’re both doing our best to corrupt the famous Harry Potter.”

“I think your way will be most fun,” Harry said.

“That’s the plan.” Hermione giggled as they dissolved once more into shameless snogging.

***

“Twelve year olds!” Sirius exclaimed. “Who needs them?”

After arriving at school as Padfoot in time for Christmas Day, Sirius was back in his human form now, and was pacing the length of the Gryffindor common room. Harry laughed at him.

“You saw them, Harry! They were stroking me as if I were some sort of...”

“Dog?” Hermione interjected, an amused smile playing on her lips.

“You know it’s safest for you to stay in your animagus form when you’re around other people. They might recognise you and tell someone,” Harry told him reasonably. Sirius nodded, knowing it to be true. Didn’t mean he had to be happy about it.

“I know. I suppose if Pettigrew could stay a rat for thirteen years, I can stay a dog for a couple of days.”

“Well, I think you make a much better dog than he does a rat,” Hermione said.

“Thanks,” he said with a tired smile. He sat down in the armchair by the fire. “It’s good to be back here. Reminds me of the Christmases I spent here with...” he trailed off and stared into the glowing fire.

“With Remus and my dad?” Harry asked. Sirius nodded. At this, sensing the opportunity for Harry, Hermione yawned loudly.

“I’m so tired!” she said quickly. “Good night!”

Before either could respond, she had disappeared up the stairs.

“That was sudden,” said Sirius. Harry sat in the chair opposite him.

“I think she wanted to let us talk alone,” he said.

“Ahh...” Sirius’ eyes twinkled with mischief.

“Sirius...” Harry began a little nervously. “I want to ask you some... stuff.”

“Would this be the birds and the bees talk you were adamant you didn’t need when we last spoke?” Sirius asked. Harry’s face felt very warm, but he continued on.

“Sort of. I know all the... mechanics and stuff. We’ve had sex education lessons.”

“With who?” Sirius asked curiously.

“Snape.” Harry said. Sirius hooted with laughter, his entire face creasing up into the smile.

“Snape? That slimy git? Oh Harry, you should’ve said,” he said, his eyes watering from laughing so hard. "He's probably terrified an entire generation out of procreating."

“Well... I know you feel uncomfortable with stuff that my dad should’ve done.”

“No, it’s not that, Harry. It’s just... I spend every day wishing that James and Lily were both here and I feel like I can’t...” Sirius raked a hand through his dark hair.

“Can’t live up to him? That whatever you say won’t be as good?” Harry asked. Sirius looked at him curiously.

“How did you know?”

“Hermione worked it out. I think she’s got some sort of degree in psychology,” Harry said wryly.

“Clever girl. It’s true, I suppose.”

“But I don’t want you to be my dad.” Harry said. “I want you to be Sirius, my godfather. Tell me like you would tell me."

Sirius beamed in a manner so childlike Harry had to remind himself that this man was his godfather and older than himself.

“Really?”

“Of course. I’m willing to bet that the famous Sirius Black has tales to tell and advice to impart,” said Harry. Sirius laughed.

“True. It’s all true.”

“Did I tell you that Hermione found some graffiti about you in the girls’ prefect bathroom?”

“Oh really?” Sirius was suddenly very interested, and the smirk on his face made Harry want to laugh out loud.

“Yeah. She didn’t give me specifics, but you came out of it very well.”

Sirius looked proud.

“Well, I would, wouldn’t I?” His confidence bolstered enough, he prompted, “Well Harry, ask away. Let the cringing, embarrassing stuff begin.”

“Well...”

***

It was some time later that they finished talked. It had, as they’d all predicted, started off rather embarrassing. But also as they’d predicted, Sirius was not one to stutter nervously and ‘umm and ahh’ his way through and Harry was in fact, in stitches for most of The Talk. The talk then moved into tales of the Marauders and their hi-jinks. Then the talk moved into tales of James and Lily. Sirius told him how his parents had got together, what they were like and the things they all got up to during and after Hogwarts.

Harry climbed the stairs to his room exhausted, but for the first time he felt as if he had a really clear picture of his parents in his mind now- mischievous, charming James and sweet, feisty, beautiful Lily. He opened the door to his room and found Hermione fast asleep on his bed, a book open beside her. He smiled rather softly at the sight and went into the bathroom to change into his pyjamas. Then, he went back into his room and crawled onto his bed, trying not to wake her. She had other plans, however, and stretched, yawning.

“How did it go?” she asked mid-yawn.

“Very well,” Harry beamed at her. She smiled tiredly.

“I’m glad. I wanted to wait up for you, but you took ages.”

“I know.”

“Is there really that much to know about sex?” she asked. “Should I be worried? Do I need to read books?”

“Nope. We started talking about the Marauders and my mum and dad. Sirius was dead funny.”

Hermione smiled again.

“That’s good,” She sat up and went to move off his bed. He slid under the covers.

“Stay here?” he asked. Her eyebrows shot up. He laughed. “No, silly. Just to sleep. You’re already all comfy.”

Hermione nodded and lay back down, slinging an arm over his torso. She checked the time: 1:23am.

“Happy Christmas Harry,” she whispered. He kissed her softly in return.

“Happy Christmas, love.”

Then within minutes, they were both asleep.

The End