**Author's Note: This little piece of idiocy came about when a reader asked about Draco and Ginny using protection. It's been asked before in many different forms, and the whole thought just sent me on this big train of silly, funny thought. This is in sort of shoddy script format, so it's a bit strange, but… have a giggle.**
Ridiculously sappy saxophone music plays as shot pans over a BEDROOM. The FIREPLACE is lit and the bed is strewn with ROSE PETALS. The shot lingers for a moment over a BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE on the nightstand, then pulls back as GINNY WEASLEY enters from stage right. She is wearing a white NIGHTDRESS that dips down low in the front, and from the way her hair is arranged artfully over one eye, we know she is supposed to look SEXY.
GINNY: "Good evening, everyone. I'm Ginevra Weasley, and I'm here to talk to you about-"
A CLATTER sounds from stage left, making Ginny scowl. Mutters and curses can be heard quite clearly, and DRACO MALFOY stumbles onto the set, wearing a ridiculously effeminate pair of SILK PANTS. From the way his torso is gleaming in the firelight, we know he is supposed to look ANIMALISTIC and not just SWEATY.
DRACO: (pleadingly to someone off stage left) You never hear me say please, and I'm saying it now. If this is what I get for offing myself at the end of a story, I'll never do it again. On my word, I won't. (He shoots a glance at Ginny and heaves a belabored sigh.) Bollocks.
GINNY: (crosses her arms over her chest and glares at Draco out of her unobscured eye.) I don't have all night, Malfoy. Quit your whinging and come on. (Remembering she's being watched, Ginny turns and smiles prettily at the camera. Draco continues to snarl and pout in turns. Ginny elbows him.) It's your line, git.
DRACO: (whines like an INJURED LITTLE GIRL) Your elbows are sharp! (He flinches as she moves toward him again.) All right, harpy, back off! What's my line again? Are we in character or ridiculously out of character? I forget.
GINNY: (through clenched teeth) Clearly if we were in character, I would have used an Unforgivable on you by now.
DRACO: Clearly if we were ridiculously out of character, I would be reading poetry out loud to you while you lounged on that bed. (Turns to look at bed, then winces and pulls at the waistband of his pants.) Why must I always be wearing these bloody things? Silk binds, you know. And it has absolutely no breathability for the-
GINNY: (interjects loudly, talking fast) We're here to talk to you about safe sex.
(Draco snickers)
GINNY: (shifts uncomfortably and looks directly ahead) It has come to our attention that in many stories, we are depicted as quite recklessly hopping into bed with one another.
DRACO: (grins egotistically) I'm awfully good at it. Have you noticed? Read any of those stories? I'm a bloody fantastic shag.
GINNY: (looks over at him, shoving her hair out of her face) That's not what I read. I read that you're an inconsiderate and shameless excuse for promiscuity. And that Oliver's better.
DRACO: (looks shocked and hurt. Is handed a TISSUE from offstage to sniffle into.) You're just being spiteful now. You know what they say. Once you go ferret, you just can't compare it.
GINNY: That doesn't make any sense.
DRACO: Shut up and talk about safe sex, Weasel. Merlin knows the last thing I want is to have any little redheaded bastards running around, even in stories. (Draco shudders.) Imagine how horrifying I would look with red hair. (He wanders over to the other side of the room, where there is a MIRROR. He begins to stroke his hair and is clearly imagining himself as a redhead.)
GINNY: Arse.
DRACO: That's another topic altogether, Ginny, my love, my sweet, my darling. We'll cover it later. (He picks up a BRUSH from the nightstand and begins to brush his hair.)
GINNY: I may as well do this by myself. Is this what I get for pursuing Harry in all those stories? I won't do it anymore. Harry's really not that wonderful anyway, you know. He does this thing where he pops his fingernails against his front teeth…
DRACO: (wrinkles his nose and turns to face Ginny) Really? How plebian of him.
GINNY: (closes eyes, counts to ten under her breath) Hello. I'm Ginevra Weasley.
DRACO: Your name's Ginevra? Oh, that's it, I'd never shag someone named Ginevra.
GINNY: (lunges toward Draco) That's it, Ferret, I'm going to render you incapable of shagging anyone, and that includes Harry. Bet you've read those stories, too, haven't you?
CUT TO: A black screen with the words "We are experiencing technical difficulties; Please stand by" in green. A small dragon logo is in the bottom corner.
FADE IN ON: Draco and Ginny standing side-by-side. Ginny is rubbing the side of her head and her hair is awry. Draco has a large scratch down the side of his face.
UNISON: Bitch.
DRACO: Now we're supposed to give you a word from our sponsor, Rohan Condoms. (sounds utterly nonplussed) Try their newest offering, Fireflight, the new ultra-thin, microsheer dragon skin condom.
GINNY: Scaled for her pleasure. You know, that doesn't sound half bad. You might want to consider that, Malfoy, since you'll need all the help with her pleasure you can get.
DRACO: That's not what you were saying last night. Or at least that's not what the fangirls said you were saying last night. Are you really that into bondage? Because frankly, Weasley, that surprises me. That can get quite pricey, you know.
GINNY: (ignores Draco) Condoms are only one aspect of safe sex. It has come to the attention of our sponsors that not only do we not use condoms much of the time, there hardly seem to be any repercussions.
DRACO: Perhaps you're infertile. Oh, wait, you're a Weasley.
GINNY: Perhaps you're impotent. It's your turn, WonderWanker. I can't carry this bloody commercial by myself.
DRACO: Fine. You're really being dull about it, anyhow. Look, gentlemen, wrap up the dragon or face the consequences. No more stories with little terrors running around calling me Da, and no more little rugrats running around calling you Da. Deal?
GINNY: Did you have a four-syllable word in there?
DRACO: (counts on fingers, stops to adjust his pants) What?
GINNY: Before we run out of time, as we're clearly going to, and if we run out of time, I'll be forced to do another story in which I'm heartbroken over that nail-biting Potter twit, we have a few more things to add.
DRACO: (Holds up one finger to start the count.) One: Sex can spread children and diseases.
GINNY: Especially when you have sex with that Parkinson scag. Two: Oral sex can spread disease.
DRACO: (mouth agape) What? Don't tell people that! I'll never get another b-
GINNY: (hurriedly) Three: Anal sex can spread disease.
DRACO: (snickers) Spread. (snickers)
A beat of silence ensues, followed by a loud yowl from Ginny as she launches herself at him once again. PUNCHES and SCREAMS can be heard as we FADE TO WHITE, and AUTHOR's voice comes over as the words PRACTICE SAFE SEX IN REAL LIFE come on the screen.
AUTHOR: Ladies and gentlemen, dear readers. I hope this infomercial makes you understand more clearly the dangers of unsafe sex and the reasons I refuse to write about safe sex. I am a sarcastic fiend and can simply not do such a thing without diving into juvenile humor and silly jokes. I hope you will understand. In the meanwhile, rest assured no character of mine will ever experience pregnancy or STDs as a result of unprotected sex, because that's not the sort of plot device my brain comes up with. Assume the characters are safe.
Oh, and don't try the ridgeback condoms. Unless you're into that sort of thing.