Disclaimer: It's all J.K. Rowling's, I'm afraid. Some people have all the luck.
Author's Note: First, I must thank Ben for reading this through, correcting my mistakes, and massaging my ego. He's a wonderful writer and a wonderful friend and I love him to bits.
Second, the idea for this story comes from Kate Winslet's song, What If? She's another of my obsessions, to be quite honest, and I just adore this song. I hadn't heard it in a while, so I downloaded and listened and Lady Inspiration smiled down upon me.
Third, it's only a one shot, I'm afraid, and a pretty short one at that. It's written in Hermione's point of view, second-person. So, obviously, Harry is the you.
Finally, please enjoy. And reviews are always welcomed and appreciated. They're also one of my addictions. Please, please feed it.
What If?
I stand alone on the edge of the still lake, under the beech tree where we used to meet, watching as the glass-like surface was broken, not by wind or rain, but by the Giant Squid, whose slow movements seemed to mirror my despair. My heart is broken, and each tiny piece holds an unbearable weight of guilt and of impossible love. You are lost to me now.
You once told me that Voldemort did not believe there was anything worse than death. I know now that he was wrong. The haunted, hopeless look in your once vibrant green eyes is worse than death. The weak smiles you force are worse than death. The memory of the boy you once were and the reality of the man you are now is worse than death.
I keep looking back to happier times, trying to figure out when everything changed, when you changed. But the change was so gradual; it's impossible to tell exactly when this new Harry replaced you. I know I helped you vanish. I know it and I mourn for my mistake. I mourn for you and all you've done and all you've been through. You were the strongest person I knew, physically, spiritually, and emotionally, but now, you are not you. You are a shadow of you, displaying no strength, be it physical or spiritual or emotional. I know when the strength died, but I was the one who made the haunted hopelessness in your eyes more profound. I will never forgive myself.
I tried. I tried to stay strong for you. I stayed by your side like I promised you I would. You said it was not enough, you said so in our last meeting under this very tree, but I had to draw the line. I couldn't be your distraction. I couldn't be the reason you weren't prepared to face Voldemort. I had to take a step back. I had tried to make you understand, but at the time, I knew you thought I was just a coward. You thought I didn't want to be by your side when you were to face your destiny.
I told you I loved you with tears in my eyes. The sadness in yours did not fade. I kissed you, but the despair remained. I still remember the taste of our last kiss, sweet pumpkin juice mixed with the saltiness of our mingled tears. I still remember the way you felt, pressed against me, before I let you go and walked away, leaving you standing alone under this tree on the edge of the lake.
I thought I was doing the best thing for you. I would remain your friend, but not your lover, not your distraction. I would be there for you and with you, always by your side, always helping in any way I could, as I had always done.
I helped you prepare and we never spoke of my decision again. You must have thought I was right, but now I realize how very wrong I was.
What if I had never let you go? What if I had never walked away from you? What if I had stayed, both as friend and as lover? Would we be together now, celebrating your victory over the Dark Lord? Would your eyes shine with love instead of tears? Would you smile, talk, laugh? Would you say goodbye to our home of seven years tomorrow and move on with me, live with me, share your life with me?
I guess I'll never know.
I once knew where my life was headed, but that life included you. You with happy eyes and an easy smile. You as my best friend, as my partner in crime and in Auror training, as my lover, as my husband, as the father of my children. Without you, however, I have lost my way. I know I can do almost anything I want, but there doesn't seem a point now that you're not in my life. Nothing else really matters without you, not Head Girlship, not house points, not rules or homework.
For so long, I have strived for perfection. I have feared failure as you fear, fear. But I have failed you, something I once imagined impossible. I made the wrong decision, I took the wrong path, and I want so badly to go to you now and tell you we can turn back the hands of time and right my wrongs. But even if it was possible, could I ask you to take that chance, to relive these last few months? I couldn't.
I wonder if you think about me now. Do you think of how it could have been? Does your mind plague you with the what ifs? Do you wish I had never let you go? Part of me wishes I had never walked away. Part of me wishes you had tried to talk sense into me. I haven't listened to that part of me in months, but since you stopped speaking, since you defeated him, that part of me makes itself known and it plagues me with the memories of you… the what ifs…
I still love you. I love you more than I can say. I don't know if you love me anymore. Every time I catch your eye, you look away, but you don't seem to even see me. You look at everyone like that now, as if your hollow eyes can see right through us. It seems as if you are searching for something in the faces you so fleetingly glance over. I would gladly give you everything I have, but you don't want anything from me. I know that now. I see it in your eyes, you eyes that used to twinkle beautifully each time you saw me. Your cheshire grin you reserved only for me has vanished as well, taking also the person you once were, the boy I loved.
And now, as I watch the melancholy squid disappear into the lake's black depths and I lean against the tree's rough bark that tugs at my bushy hair, that long-repressed part of me continues its questioning.
What would have happened if I had never let you go? Would you be the man you are now? The man you've become is so unlike the boy I knew and still love. For the first time in four years, I wish I had my time-turner. If only I could go back… and if I could take you back, would you try? Would you take the chance? Would you be you, the true you, now?
The moonlight wavers on the water as the last tentacle vanishes and I shiver despite the still, hot summer air.
"I guess we'll never know."
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