Knowing There Is Only Now

Knowing There Is Only Now

by coven

Rated: PG

Summary: Hermione finds out that there is a fine line between dream and reality.

Disclaimer: This is a Harry Potter fan fiction. Standard disclaimers apply.

Knowing There Is Only Now

© Cynthia Alexander

here we stand

we know

it will always be

everything & nothing

between us

but space & silence

to begin with

tell me how it is

to love & live & be

no promises knowing

there is only now

knowing there is only now

as we walk away

out the door

welcome back reality

don't forget we smile knowing

there is only now

tell me how it is

to love & live & be

no promises knowing

there is only now

knowing there is only now

Chapter I: Wait

Hermione did not expect to fall asleep, especially when she was supposed to be studying for one of Moody's bone-breaking Auror training exams, and in the library at that. She was just so tired. She had been tutoring Neville on transfiguration for three hours and another two on charms after that. She was supposed to help Harry too but he was out in the quidditch field, trying out new techniques with a few other classmates.

Hermione was worried. Of course, Harry sure deserved some slack-off time having just defeated Voldemort almost a year ago. Even if everyone on the side of Light was still on the lookout for threats from what were left of the Dark Lord's followers, the real burden on Harry had been lifted off his shoulders. Hermione was proud of her friend, but being her typical self, she still worried about how Harry would fare with the upcoming exams. Of course, Harry's affairs were his own. She was not his nanny for heaven's sake! Almost grudgingly, she reminded herself that she had yet to review and that she had wanted to read on a few more chapters for advanced work.

She glanced at the library clock and sighed as it showed the lateness of the hour. She shrugged as she thought that there was no harm in relaxing a bit. With that, she placed her arms on the desk and pillowed her head on them. She closed her eyes for a full minute of rest. However, her body could not help but extend it to a full hour. That was when she started to drift off to dreamland.

Both the conscious and the subconscious Hermione would be lying if she said she was not enjoying her dream. You see, Hermione Granger had a secret. Although she was not embarrassed to admit it, she would not go bragging about it either. At the age of nineteen, when many girls her age were already going steady with their fifth boyfriend, she still had not experienced her first kiss. It may sound hilarious or unbelievable to most people, but there did not seem to be any opportunity for it before, especially with the Second Great Wizard War, then graduation, and finally choosing a career- hence Auror training. If anyone would argue the fact that she had gone steady with Ron Weasley during their sixth year, she would retort that the relationship lasted only three days and that with their constant bickering; there simply was not any opportunity for a smooch fest!

Going back to the dream. Yes, Hermione was indeed enjoying it, if the blissful smile on her face was any indication of that.

“Hermione?”

Hermione turns her head towards the familiar voice. She smiles at the young man who approaches. He is in Auror trainee robes as she was but the glaring sun makes it hard for her to identify him. All she knows is that he is someone she knows.

“Yes?” she answers, beaming a smile at him.

“I'm glad I found you here,” he says pleasantly.

“Does Professor Moody need me now?” she asks.

“No,” he says. “But I do.”

Hermione is taken by surprise as she finds herself pulled up for a kiss.

And it had felt so real. She moaned as the soft weight of lips moved against her own. A familiar male scent assuaged her lethargic senses. She turned her head for a better angle and let out a sigh as she felt the pressure ease.

“Wait…” she murmured. The flutter of cloth and the muted running of footsteps sounded as if they were from another place and another time.

Hermione opened her eyes in a start. She tentatively licked her lips, still tasting the sweetness on them. She put a trembling hand to her mouth.

“Oh my God,” she cried out. “That was real!”

***

“Harry?”

Harry turned the shower off and put a towel around his waist.

“What?” he asked, sticking his head out of the bathroom door. He suppressed his chuckle as he observed the way Neville's locks were sticking out of his head like a shorthaired troll-doll. He knew that his roommate had been labouring over the exams Moody was giving the next day, and Harry decided his friend deserved sympathy instead of being laughed at.

Neville yawned before answering.

“Hermione's at the door,” he said. “She said she wanted to talk to you.”

“Well, can you just tell her to meet me at the common room in a few minutes?” Harry requested. “I'll just finish my shower.

Neville winced. Hermione had looked very distraught when she came. He did not want to go back to her “empty-handed.” Besides, she had patiently tutored him earlier and the least he could do was to bring Harry to her.

“Sorry Harry,” Neville said, showing the same determination he had shown in their years in Hogwarts. “Hermione looked ready upset. I don't think whatever's bothering her could keep her waiting any longer.”

Harry shook his head in resignation. He was expecting it but not this soon.

“Okay,” Harry said, securing the towel more tightly. He put his glasses on and added, “Thanks Neville. I'm sorry for the trouble.”

Neville smiled in relief. This was much better. So much better!

Harry walked towards the door of the room he shared with Neville and saw Hermione standing there tapping her foot anxiously. She turned as she heard him. He almost cringed as he saw her face contort like what she would usually do when disgusted.

“Honestly Harry, what's up with that?” Hermione asked, pointing at his bare chest and dripping hair.

“I was in the shower,” Harry replied with a shrug. “Neville said you sounded distressed.”

“Well, not that distressed,” she said. “Go, put some clothes on first.”

“I don't know why it bothers you anyway,” he whined, trudging to his closet.

“Well it does,” Hermione said sharply. She deliberately left out saying that the reason why it bothered her was because Harry had become insanely sexy now that he had gone through puberty. Of course, exercise from playing quidditch and workouts from Auror training had helped a lot in developing those muscles Harry were hiding. She stole a glance at him and cursed mentally. A half-naked Harry was one thing, but a wet half-naked one was an entirely different matter. Hermione knew he was her friend, but it did not stop her from being aware that he was also male, and as it was turning out to be- an Alpha male.

“Is this better now Mum?” Harry asked when he came back with sweat pants and a plain white shirt on.

“Haha,” Hermione said, making a face. “Very funny.”

“So what's up?” Harry said, grinning.

Hermione grabbed his hand and pulled him away from the door. She looked cautiously around. Sometimes it was the men who had the greater tendencies of being tattle-tales, and this was one tale she would not want to be tattled.

“I don't think anyone is still out at this time…” Harry said, putting a hand on her shoulder.

“Can we talk somewhere private?” Hermione whispered. “Dire matters Harry, dire matters!”

“Unless Voldemort has risen once again, I'm sure this could wait until I finish my shower?”

“Harry Potter,” Hermione said coolly, obviously put off by his remark. “I would not ask for your help if it wasn't important. Fine, go finish you shower.”

With that, she stomped off.

“Come on Hermione, I'm sorry!”

Harry felt guiltier when he heard her sobbed.

“Hell,” Harry muttered and ran after her. She stopped and wiped the tears from her face before facing him.

“Go away,” Hermione said.

“I said I'm sorry,” he said, softly gripping her at the shoulders. “Don't cry now.”

“I was not crying,” she said. “It was just a case of hiccups.” Then to Harry's relief added, “If I had anyone else to talk to right now, I would kick you.”

“Then use me instead,” Harry said with a mischievous smile on his face.

Hermione rolled her eyes and chuckled despite herself, and started walking to the common room with Harry beside her.

“You could give Shakespeare a run for his money with your way with words,” she commented.

“Who's Shakespeare?” Harry asked.

Hermione stopped in her tracks.

“Honestly!”

Harry laughed and pinched her cheek.

“You're so cute,” he said teasingly. “Of course I was just pulling your leg.”

“You sense of humour has grown unbelievably distasteful these past years,” she said, sitting down on a sofa as they reached the common room. “And…”

“And?” Harry prodded as he sat beside her.

Hermione winced, remembering the cause of this sudden summoning.

“Well,” she started with uncertainty. “You know that we have exams tomorrow right?”

“You mean later,” Harry corrected.

Hermione glanced at the clock and grinned wryly.

“Yeah, later,” she agreed. “I was in the library a while ago and…”

“Okay,” Harry interrupted her. “I'm sorry.”

“Huh?”

“I'm sorry,” Harry said seriously looking at her in the eye. “I didn't mean to do that to you.”

Hermione's eyes widened. This couldn't be true!

“You did it?” Hermione cried out in disbelief. “You… did… I… I mean why?”

“Well,” Harry said, slouching. “I was bored.”

Hermione stood up indignantly, fire dancing in her eyes, and without any warning swatted Harry at the head.

“Ow!” Harry yelled in pain. Boy was he seeing stars. “What was that for?”

“What kind of reason is that?” she lectured. “You just… you just don't do it when you're bored!”

Harry looked at her as if she had grown two heads.

“What would you have wanted me do then?” he asked defensively, rubbing his nape.

“I don't know,” Hermione moaned in frustration. “Harry, that was mean of you. You were supposed to be my friend!”

“I don't get it,” he said. “I thought it would just be okay.”

“Okay?” Hermione shouted. “You thought it as okay? Ooooh…I don't ever want to speak to you again!”

“Hey,” Harry said, catching her arm before she had the chance to take off once more. “This is not the first time I have ditched our study date.”

“What?” Hermione said, pulling her arm from his hold. “What are you talking about?”

“Ah,” Harry said, nodding in understanding. “I guess I should be the one asking that question. What are you talking about?”

Hermione eyed him.

“You were talking about the study date?”

“What else would I be talking about?” Harry said. “I thought you were going to give me a scolding about me playing quidditch instead. Weren't you?”

“I think I need to sit down,” Hermione said, fanning herself. “My God, and all the while…”

Harry gently took her elbow and assisted Hermione as she once again sat beside him.

“Harry,” she said. “Swear that you won't say this to anyone even Ron.”

“Uhmm…what…”

“Swear!”

“Alright, I swear on Voldie's grave,” Harry said, crossing his heart. “Now what seems to be the problem?”

Hermione licked her lips.

“I don't know how or where to begin…” she started. “I know. Remember your first kiss? With Cho?”

“Yeah,” Harry said uncomfortably. “It wasn't exactly a very nice experience but I remember it, vividly still.”

Hermione clicked her fingers.

“Precisely!”

“Now what has that got to do with…”

“And you remember it because it was your first kiss, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Because,” Hermione explained on. “The first kiss is the most important kiss of all. It's like a rite of passage to adulthood. Once you have it, it seems like nothing will ever be the same again.”

“And who said she was a realist?”

“I am not a romantic!”

“Well, that's what you say.”

“Can I get on with this?” Hermione sighed. She was definitely showing signs of frustration.

Harry nodded.

“Okay, I have never been kissed.”

“What?”

It was Harry's turn to be dumbfounded.

“Well,” Hermione said, flustered and clearly embarrassed about it. “I mean I haven't been kissed until tonight.”

“What?” Harry repeated.

“I was studying in the library and I fell asleep because I was so tired. Then suddenly, I felt someone kissing me and then I woke up…”

“Wait,” Harry said. “Let's backtrack a little. You haven't been kissed?”

Hermione shyly nodded.

“What about Ron?” he asked.

Hermione grunted at that.

“We didn't,” she said. “There was a peck on the cheek and a clumsily misplaced one on the nose… if it escaped your memory we went steady for only three days.”

“I know,” Harry said, painfully remembering being caught between two boulders of obstinacy. “So… you didn't?”

Hermione sighed.

“Harry we were too busy arguing those three days to do anything else.”

“Okay…” Harry said cautiously.

“Don't tell me Ron told you otherwise!”

“No!” Harry said. “He was tight-lipped about it as you were.”

“If there is any consolation to Ron, he isn't a kiss-and-tell sort of bloke,” she admitted. “Not that there was a kiss to tell.”

“Okay. So, you were kissed by this unknown person while you were sleeping in the library,” Harry summarized. “Are you sure you weren't just dreaming?”

Hermione coloured a bit.

“Uhmm,” she said. “Yeah… uhmmm…there was some physical evidence…”

“Like what?”

Hermione blushed deeper.

“I heard noises. My lips were wet and I could still uhmm… taste him whoever he was.”

“Er… right,” Harry said, unclear of how he was supposed to react. This was getting very intimate, and he was not feeling very comfortable talking about it with Hermione. “You sure it wasn't a dream?”

“I was there, okay!” she snapped at him. “Besides, I don't think I would react this way if I wasn't sure it was just a dream.”

“Wow,” Harry commented, holding his hands in front of him in surrender. “This is weird. Because we never really talk about each other's extra-curricular activities before much less our love lives.”

“Except maybe about Cho and Viktor, who by the way wasn't really a beau or anything,” Hermione added, hugging her knees.

“You mean he wasn't?”

“Of course he wasn't” Hermione said. “He was just a pen friend. You mean you didn't believe me then?”

“I did,” Harry said. “You were the one who mentioned him.”

“Well he wasn't,” Hermione said with finality.

"So what now?” Harry broke into the short silence.

“I just want to find out who it was.”

Harry rubbed his forehead.

“Just out of curiosity,” Harry said thoughtfully, playing with a strand of Hermione's hair. “Let's say you catch this guy, what do you plan to do to him?”

Hermione shrugged.

“I don't know yet,” she said. “I just want to find out who it was.”

“You're really serious about this, huh?”

“Of course!” she said huffily. “He stole from me not just any kiss. It was my first kiss!”

“Okay,” he said after a while. “I'll help you.”

“Yes!” Hermione yelped, throwing her arms around Harry. “Thank you! Oh thank you!”

“But I think I need a sample of that kiss,” Harry said with a grin.

Hermione automatically withdrew from the embrace.

“Eww!” she said, pinching Harry. “I was serious about the jokes.”

Harry laughed.

“Sorry,” he said. “It's just that it's only now that I can actually act like myself. It just feels so good to be free!”

“True,” Hermione replied meekly. “I'm sorry for swatting you.”

“Well,” Harry said nonchalantly. “I guess I deserved it. Sorry for playing hooky…”

“Well if it isn't Mr. Potter and Ms. Granger.”

The two looked up and found Professor Moody smiling down at them.

“Good evening Professor,” Hermione said.

“That's a good morning to you young lady,” Moody replied.

“Good morning Professor,” Harry greeted.

“I hope the reason why you're still up is that you were studying for the exam I'll be giving in approximately… six hours?”

“Something like that,” Harry said. “We'll be doing our best sir, especially Hermione!”

“I don't think there's a doubt about it,” Moody said as he walked away. “And remember, constant vigilance!”

“Bye Professor,” Hermione called out after him.

“Well,” Harry whispered. “You should have heeded that, Hermione.”

“Oh, shut up!” was her only reply.

*I don't know why I'm falling

I'm falling I don't know why

why you make me wait

waiting so long

waiting so long

these are my hands what do I have

I have nothing I am empty I am full

full of full of nothing

I am falling

-- Wait by Cynthia Alexander*

A/N: I am seriously thinking of a side-story (maybe a Ginny-Draco fluff) to “Keeping with the Company.” While at it, I hope you will appreciate “Knowing There Is Only Now” as you did “Keeping…” It's a lot shorter but I'm sure not short of fluff. By the way, the main title and the chapter title (and the succeeding chapter titles) are all songs by one of my favourite indie musicians- Cynthia Alexander. She's not only a gifted musician, but a gifted poet as well.