Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Classification: Drama / Romance
Pairing: H/Hr
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Harry is afraid to love, because all his loved ones die. First his parents and then Sirius. So when he realizes that he might have feelings for Hermione, he is afraid that this love will, too, result in a loss. (Takes place at Hogwarts in Harry's sixth year).
Author's notes: Yet another fanfic inspired by the beautiful poetry of Langston Hughes (one of my favourite authors, if you haven't guessed by now). I know, I should be updating Endlessly instead, but this plot bunny just wouldn't go away. So, hope you'll like it. R&R!
~~~
Love is a master of the ring
And life a circus tent.
What is this silly song you sing?
Love is a master of a ring.
"Love conquers all," stated Ginny authoritatively.
"Hmm, sure," said Harry, glancing at the book in her hands - one of those trashy romance novels with a half-naked couple on the cover and a corny title to match it.
"You wouldn't believe me of course, but I know," she said.
"Oh really?" he asked sarcastically. "How?"
Ginny blushed slightly, but quickly recomposed herself. "I know because I read a lot. And if you read the works of the famous poets and novelists, you'll know that love can be very powerful. Love is everything, even if it's unrequited love, or…hmm, well, if the two people cannot be together for some reason," she finished quietly, averting her eyes.
Harry looked at her, nonplussed.
"I'm just saying," Ginny went on, "that you should love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt, of course, but it's the only way to live life to the fullest."
"And that's supposed to be a good thing, getting hurt?" he raised his brow quizzically.
"No, but still, it wouldn't be such a supreme subject with so many writers otherwise," she said defiantly.
"There are things stronger than love," Harry retorted stubbornly.
"Like death?" she asked softly.
He nodded, not a little bit surprised about her perspicacity.
"It's better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all," she quoted yet another authority in the domain of romance.
"Wouldn't it be better if we could keep that love forever though?"
"We can't have it all," she replied ruefully.
"No, we can't," he sighed.
He suddenly got up from his squashy armchair and Ginny looked up at him, worried that she might have treaded where she shouldn't have and thus upset Harry. But he didn't look upset or angry, just a tiny bit pensive.
"Be careful, Ginny," he said, a smile twitching the corners of his mouth, "Hermione shouldn't see you with such reading material."
Ginny shrugged and rolled her eyes. He shook his head, still smiling, and left the common room through the hole behind the portrait. He stood outside, in the deserted, dim corridor, not knowing first where to go. He just needed to be alone for a while. He contemplated all the possible places and then made his way to the Northern Tower.
Once up there, he looked around. Though the moon was up, its dull glow did not dilute the nigrescence of the night. The school grounds beneath him were submerged in nearly opaque darkness and he could barely make out the outline of Hagrid's hut. The whirr of wings could be heard as the school owls flew in and out of the owlery.
The night air was fresh and cool and he breathed it in, allowing himself to relax. Ginny's words did not upset him, but they did strike a chord. Loving someone became very difficult for him and he was not willing to accept the pain, like Ginny suggested. No thank you, he could do without. His life was spiced up enough already.
When Cedric Diggory died because of him, fear became an even bigger part of his life. And when Sirius fell through that veil in the Department of Mysteries, a huge chunk of Harry's heart went missing. Since then love and fear were inseparable. Though in that conversation with Ginny he managed to turn his fears into a joke.
But every time Hermione Granger smiled at him with that special smile that was only reserved for him, the nascent panic attack would make him break into cold sweat. When did she stop being just a friend to him? When did that smile get some special meaning?
I am afraid!
Afraid of love!
And of Love's bitter whip!
He loved Hermione and this love scared him. The fear was so tangible, he thought he could even taste it. However, he reasoned, no one could lead a life like his and not be afraid for his loved ones. Today Hermione hugged him for no apparent reason and he was dismayed. No, he was petrified. He wished that these strange feelings would go away and he would think of her as a friend again, and talk to her with abandonment.
He was even afraid of thinking about that hug. He had a fleeting suspicion that maybe she liked him too, more than just a friend. Just a bit. But then it was probably just wishful thinking on his part.
But what if she really loved him? What should he do? Accept her love and put her life at stake, and eventually lose her like he had lost his parents and his godfather? Or push her away, thus hurting her and losing her forever too? He never thought he would be presented with a dilemma like this. Until now he had only been faced with questions like 'kill or be killed?', 'survive or perish?'
Afraid,
Afraid of love
And love's sharp, stinging whip!
Suddenly, he heard someone's light footsteps behind him and turned around. Just to find himself face to face with none other than Hermione Granger. She was definitely not expecting to see him there.
"Sorry, Harry" she said, taking a step back. "I didn't know anyone would be here."
"No, don't go," he said quietly. "Stay."
She came closer and leaned against the parapet. She was silent and pensive.
With a sidelong gaze he watched her. She looked very pretty with her hair ruffled by the breeze and her cheeks turning a bit rosy. He wondered how she managed to look so calm and serene, when his heart was beating so rapidly he thought he would go mad. Probably sensing his stare on her, she quickly turned around and stared back with her deep brown eyes. That penetrable look made him feel even more uneasy. Then she smiled softly and a very quaint feeling overtook him again.
"I love you, Harry," she said simply.
"I know," was all he said.
She didn't ask him if he loved her. She probably knew that he did. She was a smart witch.
"You know, I'm not going to die and leave you all alone," she said suddenly.
He started and she understood that she was right about his fears. "Well, at least not for the next sixty years or so," she added quickly.
He broke into a smile. "Promise?"
She nodded. "I Promise."
"So, do you think we should give it a go then?" he asked, hesitatingly.
"No harm in trying, right?" she replied.
With her simple words she somehow managed to quell his fear.
"We all get hurt by love, but it doesn't mean we should resist it," she said quietly.
"You sound a lot like Ginny," he chuckled.
"Hmm, I'll take that as a compliment," she smiled.
What is this silly song you sing?
Love is a master of a ring.
She reached out and ruffled his raven-black hair. Contentious thoughts raced through his head. Should he give in? Or should he push her away? He was now aware of how close she was.
Discarding his doubts, he leaned towards her and covered her mouth with a light, tender kiss. Hermione responded, putting her arms around him and pulling him closer. Harry's head was spinning and the only thing he could think about were her soft lips on his. Finally they broke off the kiss and stared at each other.
"So, what do we do now?" he asked her, pleadingly.
She laughed. "I don't know. Let's ask Ginny."