Blue Collar Hogwarts: Back in the Saddle
Ron Weasley
A/N: Anime Redneck: Greetings everyone. It is my Pleasure to present to you The Blue Collar Hogwarts sequel. This first chapter was written by my good friend Jedi Klonoa. It's his first fic so please be gentle. Very soon I'll be back with my chapter which will be Harry's version. Without further ado, "On with the show."
Ron Weasley was anxiously waiting for his turn at the comedy routine. The Great Hall was once again housing the stage where, this time around, Crabbe sawed Goyle in half. Fortunately Snape managed to catch the other half, Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil sang Baby Got Back, and Hermione decided that she should participate in her own show and read from muggle poet Robert Pinsky. Fortunately everybody awoke in time to see Neville get shot out of a muggle cannon.
As Ron was preparing to get on stage, Hermione held him back for a few words of encouragement,
"Ready for your performance Ron?" Hermione asked.
"Not really, crowd still looks half-asleep" replied Ron
"They are not, they loved Neville's act" said Hermione
"Boy, nothing gets through to you does it Hermione, sarcasm, threats, Harry's co.." Ron was saying before Hermione cut him off
"I wish you'd take this seriously," said Hermione sounding a lot like Ron's Mother
"Yeah well wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up first" Replied Ron as he walked out onto the Grand stage.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, and Staff, it feels so good to be out here but let me start off with a question, who decides when the applause should die down? Seems like a group decision; everyone simultaneously says to themselves "That's enough of that shit." And standing ovations have become far too common, what we need are ovations where the audience wails on each other."
"For a summer job last year, my dad made me a driver of Ministry of Magic rental cars, which sucked ass. But its very interesting though because muggle scientists are working on biodegradable car parts out of hemp. This might get confusing for the Hufflepuff's because when someone says roll up the windows, they might mean ROLL up the windows. The thing I hate is when you have to drive little kids around. One time a little kid was listening to I'm a Llittle Teapot and his mother insisted that I form a handle and spout oblivious to the fact that I'm trying to drive. The good thing about all this is that I can now drive with my forehead but visibility is a problem. Now, I know some people are against drunk driving, I call them Cops. But you know, sometimes you have no choice, those kids needed to get to the train station, and really had to use the loo."
"Who here loves Thanksgiving? Man I Do, but it's not a good day to be my pants. I've recently discovered that there are a few phrases that you can get away with saying during the holidays. I prefer breasts to legs, I'm in the mood for dark meat, don't play with your meat, and I didn't expect everybody to come at the same time are a few examples. And since were on the subject of turkeys, Hermione once told me that Turkeys are amazing creatures. They have been bred over hundreds of years, have small brains, big breasts, and peck at food, so basically they are like the Hogwarts sixth years of the animal kingdom."
"My girlfriend Luna told me that her ex boyfriend was a better kisser than I was, and I've got to admit, he was pretty good. I know this because they were in bed together the other night and I was crushed. So I said get off me you two. The Daily Prophet reported that the entrance to the Ministry of Magic, disguised to look like a broken muggle phone booth, has more than 100 different viruses on it. It's ironic that you have a better chance of getting a disease from talking on the phone than having sex eh? Another interesting fact is that DUREX, the condom company handed out a survey and found out that the entire population of London has sex an average of 97 times, that being said I have about 97 things on my to do list this year, the sad part is that its almost December."
"It was reading an article in the Daily Prophet last week about Cornelius Fudge, enough said. I just love how some of these jokes write themselves, don't you? Of course this is the same man who scolded me for a wrecked car last summer.
FUDGE: Weasley, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO THE CAR!
RON: I Hit a Cow
FUDGE: There Was A Cow in The Middle Of The Road?
RON: Nope, I had to chase it into the barn.
Amazing how the two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. Which reminds me, there was a yard sale sign near my house that read UNFINISHED FURNITURE, I have to go there, I need to find a three legged table."
"If at first you don't succeed, Quidditch is not for you. I remember last year Harry told you guys that I cried during practice once, the truth was I had a quaffle in my eye. I was just guarding the middle goal post muttering to myself, Man it's so great to be on the house team, boy its high up here, I wonder where Harry is, hey that quaffle's coming up….BAM. I knew I messed up when I saw Fred and George fell off their brooms in disgust, and Harry running around the field with his hands in an upside down umbrella under his crotch."
"Speaking of my brothers Fred and George, they're doing very well for themselves. Weasley Wizard Wheezes is doing great, anything Zonko's joke shop has done, they have done, without pants. They have begun to experiment with animals to see the effects on them in case anything goes wrong with their products. One project had them fusing a donkey with peanut butter; the results were a piece of ass that sticks to the roof of your mouth."
"In a recent Daily Prophet interview, the weird sisters' lawyer claimed that he was going to sue anybody who claims that either of them are gay. In a related topic, Draco Malfoy's lawyer was hospitalized for exhaustion."
"The other day, my girl Luna was telling me about how she was approaching sixteen, and I couldn't help but wonder from what direction."
"So anyways, I would like to talk to you all about a growing epidemic, alcohol. I mean come on; we've all done it, haven't we? I've done a recent study and found out the following:
RAVENCLAWS: Drink weak pissy tasting beer
HUFFLEPUFFS: Drink strong pissy tasting beer
SLYTHERINS: Drink warm beery tasting piss
GRYFFINDORS: Drink anything with alcohol in it
Also scientists have located the gene responsible for alcoholism, they say they found it in the Gryffindor common room talking way too loudly. I have a little story to tell you; a lady had finished grocery shopping and was walking to her car when she tripped and broke her paper bag containing a gallon of water, a dozen eggs, and a pound of bacon. Everything splattered all over the pavement. The lady was so upset she started crying. Then I appear drunk off my ass, survey the situation and say, don't cry lady, it wouldn't have lived anyway, its eyes are too far apart."
And now on one final note: "If you own a wand with a scope on it, You might be a redneck wizard." Goodnight Everyone.
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