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The One Where the Adults Discuss Hermione's Love Life
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"Are you kidding?"
Remus Lupin groaned lightly, full well knowing the footsteps attached to the egotistical female voice behind him. Throwing a rather perturbed look at his partner, Sirius Black (who was recently back from the dead thanks to one, Albus Dumbledore), the werewolf turned around in his leathery recliner and looked into Molly Weasley's fiery eyes.
"Excuse me?"
Molly folded her chubby arms in front of her chest, took the wooden rocker next to Sirius so she could look directly at Remus, and grunted. Her eyes flashed dangerously as they did when somebody bothered her. "I said, are you kidding?"
Sirius shook his head in disgust; Molly Weasley was, as usual, going to be a total headache. "Not that it's any of your bloody business Molly, but we were not kidding."
Molly shook her head, red curls bouncing from side to side. "I can't believe you two! What on Earth would give you two that particular delusion?"
"What delusion?" a fourth voice chimed in. The trio of adults looked to the door to see Nymphadora Tonks walking in with two mugs of black coffee and a smile on her youthful face. "Remus and Sirius going on about dear old Snape again?"
"Who is going on about me?" an ominous voice interrupted. Remus grimaced again, throwing another look at Sirius. He shouldn't have been surprised; just when he was getting a little alone time with his partner it became absolutely inevitable that somebody would disrupt them.
"Nobody is going on about you, you ugly git," Sirius replied, rubbing his temple of the impending migraine. He was so going to have to remind Remus to close the door next time they found a moment alone. "Nobody has that much free time on his hands. We were simply talking about..."
"Hey, what's everybody doing in here without us?" another Weasley voice popped in. Tonks turned around mid-sip to find Arthur, Fred, George, Bill, and Charlie Weasley standing together in the middle of the room. The Weasley men looked at her inquisitively, and took seats on the floor.
"Yes, what were you talking about?" Severus questioned, his fingers curling into a slight fist. "It must have been rather important for all these people to deem themselves worthy to be here."
"Remus and Sirius were discussing Hermione," Molly Weasley offered, taking one of the mugs of coffee from Tonks' hand. "Oh Tonks dear, do bring more for the rest of the group. I have a feeling that this is going to be a long while."
Tonks groaned and meandered back towards the kitchen. She was getting tired of Molly Weasley bossing her around. She was definitely going to have to remind Charlie that they were not spending Christmas with his side of the family. She'd rather face all the bloody dragons in the world than the hellish homemaker boot camp of sorts that Molly Weasley was putting her through since she and Charlie had gotten engaged.
"Hermione?" Fred asked, looking at Remus and Sirius with an odd expression on his laughing face. "Didn't have you lot pegged as pervy like that."
"We weren't taking about Hermione like that, you pervert!" Sirius interrupted, his cheeks flushing. "We were discussing Hermione's love life."
"Or lack thereof," Severus interrupted.
"Don't be cruel!" Tonks called as she reentered the room with a platter of coffee mugs. Molly stood up quickly and took the tray from Tonks, who was a half-step away from staining the entire floor with black coffee. The metamorphous nodded thankfully, and took a seat on the floor next to Charlie.
"Actually, Remus and Sirius were talking about Hermione's love life when it comes to Harry Potter," Molly started after she handed out the coffee mugs and took her place on the wooden rocker.
"Harry? When did Hermione and Harry get involved?" Bill asked as he sipped his coffee. "Merlin, I haven't been in Egypt for that long, have I?"
"No, no," Severus interrupted with a shake of his head. "Potter and Granger aren't together. Neither of them is remotely interested in the other."
"You see, that's what I said!" Molly insisted, her hands flailing in the air. She waved them around for a moment, completely forgetting that one of her hands held a mug of coffee.
"STOP THAT NOW WOMAN."
"Oh dear, I'm sorry Severus! Coffee will come out of those robes with a little water and soap, I promise!"
"Going back to Hermione," Remus started, "I beg to differ in opinion. Sirius and I are both of the view that Harry and Hermione are terribly interested in one another, and that something will eventually happen between them."
"Ludicrous!" Arthur interjected. "Everybody knows that Hermione and Ron are suited for one another."
"Are you mad?" George called. "Our Ickle Ronniekins and Hermione? Hermione would sooner slug Ron than snog him."
"That's not true!" protested his twin brother. "There's just a whole lot of sexual tension between those two. I'm surprised that they don't just go at it during Potions class!"
"MR. WEASLEY! I HAVE IRREPARABLE MENTAL IMAGES FORMING!" Severus shouted, covering his ears with the excess of his robe.
"Yes, little brother, do spare us," Charlie said as he wrapped his arm around Tonks. "Besides, any smart person knows that will never happen. Harry and Hermione are fabulous together. They, unlike Ron and Hermione, can actually get along for more than ten minutes without starting a blistering row."
"All that fighting is just for show," Arthur insisted. "Your mother and I fought like the dickens before we were married. You would have thought that we were worst enemies! And look at Harry's parents, Lily and James! They were famous for squabbling! But," he said, kissing Molly on the cheek for show, "that's something that fades away with time and age. I reckon Ron and Hermione will be just like Molly and I by twenty."
"And I suppose that it wouldn't hurt if Harry happened to get together with your daughter?" Tonks retorted with a smirk. "Be honest, Arthur; you'd like nothing better than to see Hermione and Harry as a part of your extended family."
Arthur nodded, smiling. "That's true. I'm not ashamed to say it. I'd not protest to seeing Hermione and Harry as Weasleys by marriage."
"You should be!" Remus complained as he caught Sirius' eye. "How can you honestly ignore what exists between Hermione and Harry? It's wrong of you to push for Ron and Hermione when Hermione's liked Harry for ages."
"Are you kidding me?" Fred asked. "She hasn't shown a bit of amorous interest in him. Ever."
"That's where you're wrong," Tonks spoke. "You don't have the ability to understand a girl like that. That's why Angelina dumped you and you haven't had a serious relationship since."
Fred folded his arms over his chest. "You're lucky that you're a girl or I would pound you."
Tonks smirked knowingly. "You see, Hermione Granger knows exactly what she wants, and she knows that she is more than capable of getting it. She just goes about it in different ways than most girls. Where as some girls flirt, Hermione listens to the boys she is interested in. She knows more about Harry than he knows about himself."
"Yes, because she's his friend. That's what friends do," insisted Bill, swirling his coffee mug in a counter-clockwise direction. "Plus, she doesn't get jealous of Harry's romantic interest in other people."
"She doesn't show that she's jealous, you mean," Charlie added. "Didn't you hear a word that Tonks said? Hermione is terribly talented at concealing her feelings. It makes her very difficult to read."
"Miss Granger isn't that hard to read," Severus countered superciliously. "May I remind you all that I see more of the interaction between Granger, Potter, and Weasley than anybody here? I see the way she intermingles with both boys. I tell you this; there is something distinctly tense between Weasley and Granger. That tension does not exist between Granger and Potter. That lack of tension tells me that Potter is not the person Miss Granger lusts after."
"Sexual tension isn't a requirement for a healthy relationship," Sirius reminded Severus. "In fact, the most long-lasting relationships are the ones that are built up a solid friendship similar to the one formed by Harry and Hermione. They are perfect for one another. They are both gifted magically and excel when under pressure. Harry respects Hermione deeply, and vice versa. They have the same great expectations of themselves, and they both put their hearts and souls into everything they do. They would, I daresay, be the perfect storybook couple. "
"But a relationship without some sort of chemistry isn't really a relationship at all, is it?" Severus smirked. "Look at you and Lupin. The chemistry exists and is strong. Kindly name a couple without chemistry that is successful."
Sirius shook his head. "If you are implying that no chemistry whatsoever exists between my godson and Hermione, you have been down in that poorly ventilated dungeon for far too long. Harry has admitting to thinking that Hermione is attractive, and Hermione has more than done the same."
Fred shook his head at Sirius. "I hate to admit it, but I agree with ol' Hooknose; there isn't any chemistry between Harry and Hermione. It's like watching two wet socks when you catch one of them looking at the other; you can keep them together for as long as you want, but the best that's going to happen is the spawning of a new malodor. Now, when Ron looks at Hermione..." Fred clicked his tongue, a mischievous expression creeping on his face, "there's a definite reaction there. A huge reaction if Ron's feet are anything to go by."
"Gred, you prat," George moaned as he put his hand over his eyes in a vain attempt to block out the new prevalent mental image assaulting the group. "Nobody wants to hear anything like that."
"Though the statement does hold validity," Bill maintained. "Ron is undeniably attracted to Hermione. Look at his reaction to that Krum fellow; pure, unadulterated covetousness. He's always out to impress Hermione as well. Didn't he buy her some sort of perfume last year?" The man laughed. "Wonder how that went over. Hermione doesn't really seem like the kind of girl who'd care for a bottle of yellow liquid that smells of rotting roses."
"I resent that statement, William Weasley! I helped Ron pick out that perfume!" Molly roared.
Bill stuffed his face into his coffee mug to avoid looking into his mother's eyes. Rumor had it that those eyes had lethal powers, and he wasn't too keen on testing the accuracy of that statement.
"I don't disagree that Ron has something for Hermione..." Remus started.
"A rather BIG something," Fred interjected.
"Do you WANT to make your mother cry, Fred Weasley? Do you? DO YOU?" Molly wailed.
Fred suddenly had newfound interest in the back of his hand.
Remus shook his head yet again (he here noted that he was sore from having shaken his head so much), and continued. "However, I think you are taking Ron's interest in Hermione as proof that Hermione reciprocates his feelings."
"Are you implying that my Ron isn't good enough for Hermione?" Molly said, her eyes widening.
"Where did you get that idea from, Molly?" Tonks answered, checking her back pocket for aspirin to assuage the headache she felt was breeching into her consciousness. "All we're saying is that just because your boy fancies Hermione, doesn't mean she fancies him back!"
Suddenly the door opened to reveal Dumbledore carrying a large pot. He smiled at the group, nodded to acknowledge Severus' presence, and headed towards the opposite door that led outside 12 Grimmuld Place.
"Albus, Albus!" Arthur called, putting down his mug of coffee on the table, and waving the wizened wizard over with his hand. Dumbledore stopped, backtracked, and set down the pot. "Come here and tell us who's right and who's wrong!"
"Half of us think that Hermione and Ron will eventually get together..." Molly Weasley began.
"... and the smarter half believes that Hermione and Harry will get together," finished Sirius solemnly. He threw an annoyed glance at Severus. "And this is where we run into our problem."
"Well," Dumbledore said, twisting his beard with his finger. "That's very interesting. Very, very interesting."
"So... what are your thoughts?" Remus pressed, putting down his coffee mug.
"Besides that this group needs more extra curricular activities? I suggest the muggle game Monopoly, by the way. A superb game in all rights. Rather draining, though, as it takes a good deal of time to complete. And you find a new dislike for those around you if you land on a hotel complex with insufficient funds."
"Be serious, old man," Severus sneered. "The sooner this discussion ends the sooner I regain my twenty IQ points I dropped when I started engaging in it."
"Well, I must admit that I question why Miss Granger should be limited to just one of the two aforementioned," Dumbledore said with a twinkle in his eyes. "I believe a threesome is the current colloquial term?"
Silence permeated the air for a few moments before any movement was made. Then, simultaneously, the sound of coffee mugs plunging to the floor was all that was left in the room.
Tonks groaned loudly into Charlie's chest; Molly was so going to have a fit when she woke up.
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