Letters She Never Sent
H/Hr, PG (might eventually move to PG-13), spoilers for books 1-6
Author's Note: I'm still trying to make sense of Hermione's (to me) highly out of character behavior in Half-Blood Prince. I am finding it difficult to believe that the same girl who was Harry's closest friend and firmest supporter in OotP could have behaved toward him the way she did, without any explanation in the text. I believe that in HBP, JK Rowling failed to resolve or even mention some important plot points from OotP. In some ways HBP felt like JKR had never written OotP, which is sad, because OotP is my Harry/Hermione bible. This story is my attempt to come to grips with some of those dangling plot points and try to find some way past the R/Hr and H/G at the end of the book without totally ignoring the new canon. This is the first of a series of letters that Hermione writes to Harry but never manages to deliver to him. I don't quite know where this will end; I suspect I'll bring the letters to a close within a few months after the end of HBP. -- Anne U
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1.
11 July 1996
Dear Harry,
I hope this finds you doing reasonably well, all things considered. You and I never had the opportunity for a long talk after -- well, before we left school at the end of term. I know you didn't want to talk about it then and I probably can't blame you. The hurt and pain were too new and fresh then. Sirius was your godfather, not mine, but I did get to know him a bit over the past few years, and I could tell that being reunited meant the world to both of you. Sirius was brash and sometimes rash, and that, as well as his love for you, led him to try to help you in the Department of Mysteries. I know that one shouldn't speak ill of the dead, and I hope you don't think that's what I'm doing here. But I want to remind you that Sirius was a grown man, and it was his own decision to go to the Ministry that night. If the shoe had been on the other foot, and Sirius had reason to believe you were the one being tortured, do you think for one moment that he would not have come straight away to help? Of course he would have come. Though you never said this to me directly, I suspect you believe that you're responsible for Sirius' death. Please, Harry, please don't think that way. You didn't kill Sirius -- Bellatrix LeStrange did that. Please don't torture yourself with would have, should have, could have scenarios. Sirius is gone, and I think he would want you to mourn, but not wallow in depression or despair.
I hope that didn't sound cruel, but I thought it needed to be said, and who better to tell you than I? I've tried to be a voice of reason in your life for so long now, I can't remember when I didn't give you advice or lend you an ear -- as though you could ever stop me from doing so, you might as well ask me to stop breathing. Thinking about you and worrying about you is just part of who I am now. I'll never stop worrying about you, or wanting to help you, or wanting to keep you safe keep Voldemort away from you. (See, I can write the name perfectly well, although I still find myself stuttering a bit when saying it. I suppose I'll just have to practice saying it more often, won't I?)
When I was in the hospital wing last month, I learned something that surprised me. Neville told me about what happened after that Death Eater, Dolohov, struck me with that curse. Neville said that you panicked, that you couldn't think straight. He said you thought I was dead, and yet you did nothing, just knelt there next to me as though you couldn't move. Neville said that when he found a pulse and showed you that I was still alive, you looked like you would faint. I suppose you would have had the same reaction if Neville, Ron, Ginny or Luna had been injured as badly as I was. Wouldn't you have done? I can't quite understand why you reacted so strongly when I was struck down, compared with how you reacted to everyone else's injury. Were you really that worried that I'd been killed? Or was there something more?
What I'm trying to say, dear Harry, and not doing so well, is that, had the tables been turned, I'm sure I would have panicked just as much as you did. I can't even let myself consider that anything else could happen to you. You've been through so much already in the five years I've known you. From braving Quirrell to retrieve the Philosopher's Stone, to rescuing Ginny from the Chamber of Secrets, then rescuing Sirius and Buckbeak, then facing dragons, merpeople and finally Voldemort himself last year, you've shown time and again how incredibly brave you are, and how you put others' needs above your own. Your bravery and generosity are just two of the many reasons I love care for you. Last month, in the Hall of Mysteries, I noticed something that I'm not sure you're even aware of. Remember when the shelves started exploding and you told everyone to run? You grabbed my robes and pulled me along with you to safety. Did you know that you were actually closer to Ginny at that moment? But instead of pulling whoever was closest, you seemed to sense where I was and you pulled me. Ron ran past, but you pulled me along. I had no time to thank you then or to think about it at the time because we were too busy fighting for our lives. But I do want you to know that I'll never forget what you did, or that you were so upset when I was struck down a while later. In fact, whenever I think about that, I get a bit choked up.
Physically, I'm much better than when we left school, but still not up to snuff. I'm now taking only four potions every day to complete the healing of my internal injuries. I am still a bit tired, so Mum is making me get more sleep than usual; in fact, she's come into my room several nights at 10 o'clock and taken my book right out of my hands! Once a mother, always a mother, I guess. I'm still rather sore around my midsection, so I've not hugged anyone yet, certainly not the way I would like to. If you wondered why I didn't hug you at King's Cross last month, that's why. I really wanted to, but Madam Pomfrey was quite clear in telling me that I mustn't be overly affectionate with anyone for several weeks.
Ron and I have owled each other several times. He's slowly starting to feel better from the brain attack at the Ministry. He insists that the attack didn't harm him, but I'm not so sure. His letters sound a bit off.
This letter is becoming a bit rambly so I suppose I should finish up quickly. I just wanted you to know that I miss you terribly and hope to see you soon. I'll be going to the Burrow in a few days and hope you'll join us there in the very near future.
Love from,
Hermione