My Way
Title: My Way
Author name: romulus lupin
Author email: galigad@yahoo.com
Category: Drama/ Angst
Sub Category:
Keywords: Dumbledore Regrets
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: SS/PS, CoS, PoA, GoF, OotP, HBP
Summary: In the last seconds of his life, Dumbledore looks back, and focuses on the things he regrets.
Implied Hr/H
DISCLAIMER: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various
publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc.
No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Author notes: Originally planned for the Acid Pops Musings Competition at www.witherwings.org, until the story got away from me. :D
"Severus…"
I grimaced, twisting my face into a contortion of pain even as my mind went its own way… how overly dramatic!, I thought to myself. But it had to be that way… it was supposed to be this way-there was no other way to do this.
It had been too long in the making… too long in the planning…
I locked my eyes with those of Severus Snape, those dark and pain-filled eyes I had watched for so many years, trying to convey a message through the link that the years had given us, telling him to… `DO IT, SEVERUS! I'm dying, don't you know that? I'm dying from that potion in the cave where Tom hid the Horcrux… it's eating me, Severus…'
I made one final effort, pulling everything that was left of my energy and will into a last, dying gasp:
"Severus… please…"
Snape said nothing, but walked forwards and pushed Malfoy roughly out of the way. The three Death Eaters fell back without a word. Even the werewolf seemed cowed.
Snape gazed for a moment at Dumbledore, and there was revulsion and hatred etched in the harsh lines of his face.
`DO IT, SNAPE!' I screamed at him in my mind… and tried once again to communicate my thoughts to him: `I'm dead, Severus… I spent the last of my reserves coming here because I knew Draco would be here, to keep him from fulfilling his commitments to Tom and damn his soul for all eternity… DO NOT FORGET THE PLAN!'
And time slowed down…
Snape raised his wand and pointed it directly at Dumbledore.
"Avada-"
I watched his hand… watched his wand point at me… saw-and heard-the first syllables of the Unforgivable begin to rend the air around me, and I chanced a glance at the wall where I knew Harry was stuck like a fly, unable to move, unable to scream, able only to watch the unfolding drama before him…
And feel a tidal wave of revulsion wash through me.
There was nothing more I could do.
The plan was in place. After so many years, so many false starts-so many detours along the way-everything was finally in place.
And I could finally rest.
I watch with total disinterest as Snape's mouth completes the incantation… gaze at the beginnings of the sickly-green light begin to form at the end of his wand… knew that in seconds or in an eternity, the ray of green will hit me… and I would be flying without wings, to finally meet the destiny that had been written for me all those years ago.
I allow myself to slump… there was no need to stand tall and proud in the face of adversity-these were to be my last moments of existence, so what was there to posture for? I had done my job… fulfilled my obligations… and now, it was time to go.
As I watch the Unforgivable move towards me, a totally incongruous thought pops into my mind…
I never had the chance to correct my chocolate frog card.
I blink… of all the things to think about… but what else was I supposed to do? The Unforgivable that Severus cast would reach me in due time; there was nothing more to do except wait to be sent into oblivion… I realized that I was standing in that netherworld I had heard about: that in-between place between time and motion where events unfold in slow, slow motion but the mind continues moving at its normal, nimble pace.
It was the place where one's life flashes by… allowing you one last glimpse of your accomplishments and your failures, all your dreams and your plans… that place where all your decisions-good or bad-come together to either taunt you or inspire you-
It is the place of regrets-and it is here where I find myself feeling sorry for not having corrected my chocolate frog card.
The card flashes before my eyes and the words leap out: "… greatest wizard of modern times… defeat of the dark wizard Grindelwald… twelve uses of dragon's blood… enjoys chamber music-" and I snort in derision. If I had had my way… if I had had the balls-I would have removed the word `chamber' and declared to all and sundry that I enjoyed music in all its forms and manifestations, including the vast array of Muggle music: the bouncing energy and powerful rhythms of rock, the soothing liveliness and freshness of the symphonies… the deep emotions expressed by the hundreds of love songs I have heard over the years…
But it would have been for nothing… for my preferences in music were of no importance in the total scheme of things. It was stuffing, as was everything else in that card-to pad out and hide the single point that was all important: that I was a friend and partner of Nicolas Flamel. That was all that was important… so that Harry would be the one with the moment of revelation, that Harry would be the one to remember where he first saw the name…
I blink when I realize that the green flame of the Avada was only a third of the way to me, and I find myself wishing that it would speed up so I could get on with my life-and a cold, cold fist of dread squeezes my heart.
This would be the end, I thought.
The end of everything for me: Hogwarts, Harry Potter, the children I had known and loved… the Order and the people who had rallied to its banner. And, though I had known that this was going to happen-that this was all part of THE PLAN-it doesn't make things any easier.
Especially as far too much of THE PLAN went against everything I believed in…
Or thought I believed in.
The green beam was closer now, and the end is near…
I blink as a voice echoes in my ears: a powerful, emotional baritone, singing a song that I first heard years ago…
And now, the end is near
And so I face the final curtain
My friend, I'll say it clear
I state my case of which I'm certain
I've lived a life that's full.
I've traveled each and ev'ry highway;
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way.
It was a song that I held close to my heart… it is the song that defined what I am, what I was… what I had been.
What I had allowed myself to be.
Regrets, I've had a few;
But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption-
Regrets-that was the word. I had held on for too long to my regrets, believing-as the song said-that I did what I had to do, because of THE PLAN!
The green light is half-way to me now, and the images in my mind are flashing faster and faster…
… dismissing Minerva's protest when I told her of my decision to leave Harry with the Dursleys… ignoring the bitter look in her eyes years later as she showed me the addresses on the enchanted letters announcing Harry's acceptance into Hogwarts: `The Cupboard Under the Stairs… The Smallest Bedroom… The Floor, Hut-on-the Rock…'
… keeping my distance from Harry in the early years-acting the benign and all-knowing Headmaster year after year when I should have been guiding him; dropping hints about loyalty but not showing him the same faithfulness; allowing Miss Granger and himself to rescue Sirius when I should have intervened; staying `neutral' during the Tri-Wizard Tournament and letting Miss Granger coach him in the things he would need to survive…
… ignoring him all through his fifth year because of my fear of Tom getting to me through him; allowing Severus to `teach' him Occulumency and Legilimency in spite of everything I knew about their history-or rather, Snape's history with his parents and his godfather; letting Dolores Umbridge have her way with him because that was what THE PLAN called for!
… keeping the contents of the prophesy from him, all because I was supposed to have given him a chance at a normal life… or as normal as Voldemort, basilisks, Animagi and his enemies would give him. Allowing him to lose his godfather and then letting him destroy my office and possessions… crying my tears as I explained… all because of THE PLAN!
And now, leading him on a merry chase: dropping hints here and there, showing him memories gathered through the years, spreading them out over the months rather than telling Harry all about them in one go… tasking him to find out about the Horcruxes by himself, rather than forcing Slughorn to reveal them… not even telling him why my hand was burned and blackened except to hint that it had something to do with Gaunt's ring…
And all because of THE PLAN.
Someone shouts out in the distance (Is it James? Lily? Sirius?): "Good job, idiot!" and I feel myself flush at the derision and contempt the words implied.
I had to accept the reality of those words.
I had been doing a good job… an idiot's `good job'… simply because I allowed myself to follow THE PLAN without thought, without protest…
Like the cut-out, cardboard character I was supposed to be… the supposedly omnipotent, all-powerful, all-knowing wizard who was the only one that Voldemort feared… whose `mistakes' over the years were aimed at only one thing: to bring Harry face to face with his destiny.
Alone.
That was the PLAN in its entirety… at the end of it all, Harry was to be left all alone to face Tom. No friends, no companions… no Dumbledore's Army behind him, no Order of the Phoenix supporting him…
No Ron Weasley or Hermione Granger beside him.
I fight back the sudden welling of tears in my eyes as I remember Miss Granger: small and bushy-haired, running up to the Sorting Hat all excited as she jammed it on her head, eager and all too excited to be in Hogwarts…
Hermione Granger… Muggle, know-it-all, Harry's friend and most loyal companion. The most brilliant witch to have attended Hogwarts except for Lily Evans… almost exactly like Lily, except for the hair which Lily shared with the Weasleys, Ginny Weasley in particular…
Where was she now, I wondered? Probably down in the castle, fighting with the others, fighting while remaining frantic about Harry… worrying about him, caring for him… loving him, after all these years…
But she had turned into a virtual stranger this year-at least that was what the gossiping portraits said. The one person who could be counted on to be beside Harry at all times… the one person who could guide him and help him, whether looking up obscure spells in the library or facing his temper and anger to ask him to reconsider his rash plans… that girl had been gone for the better part of a year.
And I didn't know why.
Nor could I be bothered to ask… because I knew what the answer would be.
The PLAN called for that to happen.
The PLAN… The PLAN… The PLAN-in the end, it was all about the feckin' PLAN! And there lay my biggest regret of all… that I had been nothing but a sheep following the directions of THE PLAN!
I had followed its dictates and requirements all these years … followed like a docile lamb even though I wanted to rebel against its restrictions… mouthing my words, shedding my tears, showing up and disappearing because THE PLAN called for it…
Where was a Gryffindor's courage, I wondered, as the green beam of light came inexorably closer? Hermione Granger had shown far more courage, far more loyalty, far more love than I had ever done… not only because of what she had done with Harry, but because of her constant rebellion against THE PLAN.
She had fought against it… gone off time and again to do her own thing, only to be forced back into what THE PLAN called for, but even then, doing everything she can to fight against it, because in the end, she would never let Harry fight alone, not if she could help it.
She was the only one who had ever shown Harry what love truly meant… hexing a teacher's robes because Harry was in danger… tearing up a book because the information in it was vital to Harry… revealing her Time-Turner so that she can help Harry rescue Sirius… bringing Harry some toast because she knew Harry would be uncomfortable at breakfast… coaching Harry in spells so he could survive the tournament… defying Harry's anger and harsh words time and again so she could help him… putting her heart and life on the line time and time again, because of Harry.
How much of that was because of THE PLAN, I wonder… and how much of that was because she had to do it for Harry? I keep myself from laughing out loud-I must remain stoic and still as the green beam comes closer… she had been there for Harry when I was not, she had been there for him when everyone else-including Ronald-was not… and now, what had it all been for?
After all the school rules she had broken to help Harry, after having been wounded so grievously fighting beside Harry, after everything she had done for Harry-she had to hex another Gryffindor so that Ronald could retain his slot as a Keeper? Show off her mastery of charms by sending a flock of homicidal canaries in a fit of jealous rage? Bicker and wrangle with Harry because he was doing better at Potions than she was, after all the years of pushing Harry to do his best?
And what about Harry? Where was the boy I had known in passing… the boy who had resolved to do better at his studies because he couldn't bear the thought of disappointing Hermione… the boy who heard Hermione's voice in his head urging caution… the boy who had fought off Dementors, centaurs, Grawp and Death Eaters so that he could keep her safe? He who had depended so much on her for so many years… only to have short, stilted conversations with her because she would not be bothered to believe him, to trust him… to listen to him?
How the mighty had fallen… after five years of being Harry's rock, his support, his friend, mentor and guide… she had become a mere shadow of herself-and all because of THE PLAN!
But who was I to judge? Hermione Granger may not have been as mighty as I was-but the cry of `Good job, idiot!' resounds in my ears…
She's had it better than I ever did… she'd had five years of doing what I should have done… five years of friendship, bravery and affection with Harry Potter… months and years when I should have been beside them, guiding them, teaching them… showing them what it means to love and be loved…
There was nothing for it, I thought-the green beam is now only inches from me. Too late for regrets, too late for recriminations… we had all been forced to dance to the tune of THE PLAN, and there was nothing we could do now. I would never see the blossoming of Hermione's potential, and I fear that the bright and brilliant promise that she had would become overshadowed by THE PLAN…
I close my eyes to the oncoming beam and braced myself for what will happen…
The green light finally strikes me and I feel myself flying into the air… I look up and see the green skull of the Dark Mark floating in the sky-for a brief moment, I wonder why. The Killing Curse is supposed to be harmless and quick, painless and instantaneous-I was supposed to simply fall into a crumpled heap without a mark or other damage-
But of course, things can change because THE PLAN called for it to be that way, to give Harry a last, horrifying sight to set the stage for his lonely struggle… for him to be the hero THE PLAN called for him to be…
Darkness approaches, it will soon be over, and as if in final salute to my departure, the last few words of the song echo in my ears:
"I did it… My Way."
In the last few seconds before the light blinks out, a final thought crosses my mind.
"I hope the readers can-"
The End
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