Harry Potter's Visum et Disiderium

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. I write for practice not profit.

“I'll tear thee open, make you gone.

No longer will you hurt anyone.

And the hate still shapes me.

So hold me, Until it sleeps.”

-Until It Sleeps, Metallica

Chapter 2 – Unforgiven

Harry looked at his watch as he sat on the stair landing. 12:01 am. Happy Birthday Harry, he thought sardonically. He glanced down into the sitting room, where Rowen and Snape were discussing- what else?- him. Rowen was sitting on the sofa turned towards Snape, her dark hair seeming obscenely red as the firelight glinted off of it. Snape was slumped down, his black hair curtaining his face , as usual.

“ - I'm glad you spoke to him Severus, but I don't know if it was very wise. He needs us to let him deal with it in his own way. There's not much we could do for him once he lets us in regardless. You and I know from experience...” Rowen's voice was soft but clear as she spoke.

“ I know, Rowen. I thought that perhaps for once Potter could see reason and learn from the mistakes of others. It would seem however, that he is determined to do things in his own way, as usual.” Snape's silky voice answered her. Rowen just reached out and smoothed the hair out of his face. She sighed heavily.

“It's not just Harry suffering, Sev. We all are, especially you and him. Both of you fail to see the simple delights of forgiveness. You find it hard to forgive others, but most especially difficult to forgive yourselves.” Rowen stated softly as she continued to stroke his hair. Snape laid his head against the back of the sofa and closed his eyes.

“ I am aware of my own failings, thank you Rowen.” Snape retorted sardonically. Rowen merely smiled in the face of his snarkiness. “ However, I lost you for almost twenty years because of my inability to share everything with you. I don't wish for the same thing to happen to Potter, or Miss Granger.” Snape's voice seemed almost kind as he spoke.

“Harry, Severus. His name is Harry.” Rowen scolded gently. Harry sniggered quietly while listening, reminded of how many times Dumbledore had corrected him in much the same fashion. Dumbledore... Harry felt an odd surge of regret mixed with anger when he thought of the Headmaster. He quickly shook his thoughts off and once again concentrated on the discussion downstairs.

“- be alright when they go away to Italy? I do hope Hermione will be able to get through to him, since I've been rather unsuccessful.” Rowen was saying , wistfully. The expression on her face was so sad, Harry felt the familiar guilt rising up.

“Why you allowed him to plan the trip is beyond me. Two young students, off on their own in another country...” Snape's lip curled up briefly. Rowen just chuckled at him, her eyes glinting merrily.

“Oh, of course, Severus! Because we never went anywhere alone while still students... Might I remind you of Christmas Break our Seventh year?” Rowen's voice shook with mirth as she spoke.

“ Well, that was... we were... it was different for us!” Snape spoke with just a hint of exasperation tinging his silky voice, as he reached forward and pulled her down to meet his mouth. Harry observed them silently for a moment, before deciding that he could overhear nothing more useful. He quietly cast a silencing spell on himself before heading up the stairs to his own bed his mood decidedly un-celebratory as he closed his eyes.

The next day dawned with a sky that was gray and turbulent, threatening to split open with rain at any moment. Harry, seeing this when he woke, smiled to himself. It almost felt like the weather was on his side today. Harry dressed quickly, throwing on jeans and a black sweatshirt before heading downstairs. Both Rowen and Snape were in the kitchen, turning when he entered.

“Harry Birthday Harry.” Rowen stated softly. Harry just nodded in her direction. She slid him a mug of tea before continuing. “ Severus will be taking you into the ministry for your Apparition test, I'm going to stay here with Ria. Is that alright?” she asked. Harry inwardly smirked at her statement. He knew Snape was taking him so Rowen could prepare for the party he didn't want, and greet the people he had no desire to see. He looked up to tell her this, but was halted at the almost pleading look on her face. He briefly remembered the sad look on her face the previous evening, I've been rather unsuccessful. So he just nodded resignedly, bracing himself for the rest of the day. Rowen smiled brightly at him before sliding a plate of breakfast toward him.

“Where's Ria?” croaked Harry. Rowen smiled and glanced over at him.

“She's sleeping. Winky is watching her.” Harry nodded at her words as he shoved his breakfast in his mouth in an almost Ron-like fashion. When he finished, Snape, who had been characteristically silent up until this point looked over at him.

“Are you ready to go Harry? We'll be flooing to the ministry.” Snape's face reflected his thoughts of flooing, it was his least preferred form of travel. Harry merely nodded and followed him to the kitchen fire place throwing his powder in and stepping into the green flames.

Harry managed to pass his Apparition test his first try, a feat which made him think of how it had taken Ron three tries before passing. Harry was alternating between wanting to see his friends and dreading their arrival. The rest that would be there he could do without, but Ron and Hermione, he longed to see, and wished never would come all at once. Some of Harry's trepidation must of shown on his face, as Snape actually gave him a sympathetic smile before they apperated to Colwyn Bay.

As Harry expected, the house was filled with people. Harry was at least grateful for the lack of decorations, knowing that Rowen had at least drawn the line somewhere. It was the only thought Harry had before being gripped in a tight hug by Hermione.

“Harry!” she cried hugging him harder before pulling away, her face filled with joy at seeing him. It quickly darkened with anger though as she glared at him, smacking him on the arm. “ Harry James Potter, I'm going to save our discussion for later, as it's your birthday, but make no mistake we will talk.” she spoke in a low voice. Harry felt his guilt threaten to overtake him, as he looked into her eyes somberly. He wanted the fleeting moment of peace back that he had when she had hugged him.

Harry saw Ron strolling over with Luna, and Harry greeted him quietly, avoiding his eyes. With that, it commenced, Harry was inundated with greetings, and well wishes. He was having a difficult time trying to keep up his happy facade, which unknown to him, was more of a barely tolerating it facade. Harry was forced to deal with almost all of his friends, the Weasley's, Order members, plus the Headmaster. Harry forced himself to smile and nod politely.. make small talk and exclaim over his gifts.

At his first available opportunity, Harry escaped to the backyard, walking through it until he was on the shoreline. The gray of the sky was reflected in the water, which was lapping gently at the cold wet sand.

Harry felt, rather than heard, Dumbledore's approach. Of all of the meetings he had dreaded, this would be the one that ranked lowest on his list right behind Voldemort-risen-again. Dumbledore just stood, watching Harry before conjuring himself a chartreuse armchair that clashed so awfully with the mood of the day that Harry almost smiled. Dumbledore conjured another chair, but Harry remained where he was on the cold sand. He waited for Dumbledore to begin.

“Harry, I have been a bit worried about you my boy. I must say, with you staying with Rowen and Severus I get almost no reports of your well being. You could not have chosen two more tight lipped companions. I find myself in the rather unusual position of not knowing what you've been up too. Would you care to enlighten me?” Dumbledore inquired, as though they were meeting over tea . Harry's only reply was to snort under his breath.

“Harry, I am very worried about you..” Dumbledore began tentatively.

“Why?” Harry asked, sarcastically. “ I've done what you needed me to do, no need to take special interest in me now!” Harry almost instantly regretted the words, but felt no inclination to apologize for them. Dumbledore just laughed.

“It would seem, Harry that living with Severus is giving you some of his more charming character traits. No matter. I understand that you wish to be left alone. I hope that you also understand why I cannot give you your wish.” Dumbledore stated softly. “I have arranged for a new teacher to be at the school this year to give you private lessons Harry. She is a renowned Seer, Alesia Dordei. She will be instructing you in Divination.” Dumbledore spoke as if the whole conversation up until that point had never occurred. Harry rolled his eyes at this piece of information but remained silent.

“ Ah I believe I see Miss Granger headed this way, so I will take my leave of you Harry.” Dumbledore stood as he spoke, but Harry just stared ahead giving no indication of hearing him. Dumbledore sighed softly, nodding to Hermione before heading back to the house. Hermione dropped onto the sand next to Harry, staring at him.

“Oh Harry.” she sighed. “ Do you have any idea how worried I was? Well, of course you do! I was frantic! Why didn't you write me back? Do you have any idea what it felt like when I realized you just weren't speaking to me?” Harry looked up, regretting the action when he saw the tears streaming down Hermione's face. Guilt clawed at him like an animal caged inside. He had caused this hurt, this pain for her. All because he couldn't see past his own pain. He pulled her toward him, holding her tightly, as if she were his only lifeline.

“I'm so sorry, Hermione! I didn't know what to say, and I couldn't say it in a letter anyway. I just... I'm not okay right now.” Tears were burning the back of his eyelids as he spoke and he felt Hermione begin to speak. “No, Hermione... I still don't want to talk about it. I just need you to understand that and not ask. Gods, I'm an awful boyfriend.” Harry chuckled depreciatively. “I'm sitting here, asking you to understand that it's not alright, but not explaining why and expecting you to just deal with the fallout of something you can't fully understand. I love you Hermione, but I'd understand if you feel- if you think it isn't worth it..”

Hermione gripped him more tightly, compulsively. “NO Harry! If I have to wait for you to be ready to talk, I will. If I have to deal with moody Harry, I will. I did fine fifth year, right? I am not going anywhere.” As Hermione spoke she pulled back to look into his eyes. She placed her hands on either side of his face, tears sparkling in her eyes. “Neither one of us leaves, okay? Promise?” Harry could only nod at her, pulling her closer to him, hanging on to her for dear life as the fog from the sea wrapped itself around them.

That night, Harry was laying in his twin bed, staring at the ceiling of his room thinking on the day. When he and Hermione had returned, his party had felt just as excruciating as before he left. He had seen Rowen and Snape cornered several times each by Dumbledore, before Snape had finally kicked Dumbledore out, much to Harry's amusement. After that everyone, seeing Snape's mood, left rather quickly. He and Hermione had spent some quiet moments in the library planning for their trip, which they left on in four days time. Hermione had also been furiously researching and writing her speech. Harry had worried she would try to get him to talk, but she just didn't mention the episode on the beach again that night. They had eventually turned in thirty minutes ago, and now Harry was laying here dreading sleep. His head lifted when he heard a soft knock on the door.

“Come in.” he called softly. The door opened silently and Rowen's head poked through it.

“I came to see if you needed anything... and Severus wanted me to give you this.” She held up a flask of potion as she spoke. “It's a Dreamless Sleep Potion, he thought you'd like a supply for while you're in Italy with Hermione.” Rowen came over and sat on the edge of the bed , unbidden. She reached over and placed the flask on his bedside table.

“Well, I'll have to thank him tomorrow. I didn't want to have any... dreams when Hermione and I were away.” Harry answered her haltingly. She smiled sadly at him as he spoke.

“That's why he brewed it...” she spoke so quietly it was hard to hear her. She pulled her wand out of her robes and waved it in the direction of Harry's door, casting a powerful Silencing Charm. “ Harry, we hear you. At night I mean, that's why Severus brewed more potion for you. We know you need it.” Harry looked down while she spoke, suddenly fascinated with the pattern on his bedspread.

“What-” Harry cleared his throat. “ What exactly do you hear at night?” He summoned all his Gryffindor courage and looked into Rowen's eyes. All he saw reflected in them was concern and caring.

“Screams mostly... Voldemort's name sometimes. You mutter about fire sometimes.” Rowen broke off here, looking intently into Harry's eyes. “Harry, I'm not so dim as to not put two and two together. I know you don't want to discuss it, but I want you to know that should you tell me, I would never think less of you for it. We all have our stains that we hide Harry. You don't think ill of me for mine do you?” Harry shook his head no quickly. He did not think any worse of Rowen for her past, she had shown him nothing but unconditional love. Unconditional.

Tears welled up in Harry's eyes as he looked at her, he fought to repress them but failed. Rowen saw them, and scooted up closer to where Harry had sat up. She wrapped her arms around him and began to slowly rock back and forth making shushing noises as she let him cry.

“I ki-killed him... I let him burn for what seemed like hours, and I liked it. There was nothing but ash left Rowen. I murdered him! Just like he did Mum, and Dad, worse even, because at least they didn't suffer!” Harry's voice broke down as he spoke, his sentences coming out in a jerky manner. Rowen's hold just tightened, as she began to rub his back in a maternal manner.

“Harry you mustn't torture yourself with it. He was evil, and hurt and killed so many people you care about. Rage is a powerful emotion Harry, and revenge a great motivator. I would have been shocked if you did less.” Rowen spoke soothingly, but with great conviction. She pulled back, looking down into Harry's eyes. “He would have done worse to you had it been the other way around Harry. I'm not going to tell you that you didn't lose a small piece of your soul in the deed, but living is the best revenge you could ever have.”

“I'm afraid...” Harry whispered, “Hermione doesn't know. No one does besides you and Ron and Dumbledore. I feel like they see evil when they look at me now. I can't tell her, and have her look at me like that too.” Rowen smiled gently at him, as he sat up and scrubbed at his face with his hands.

“Oh Harry. You are not evil. No mistake is so great that you can't turn back from it. I won't tell her, or anyone about it if you'd like. I do think you should discuss it with her though. She loves you Harry, and nothing you can ever say or do will change that.” Rowen spoke in a gentle tone. Just then her wand began to buzz gently. She glanced down at it as if she had forgotten it's presence.

“That's Ria, she must be hungry. Harry, if you need anything at all, you know where I am, right?” Harry nodded in response. Rowen rose and gave him a swift hug, dropping a kiss on his head. “Think about it, okay?” she whispered before turning on her heel and striding out of the room.

Harry lay there after she left. It was a great relief to tell someone what had happened. Rowen understood because of who and what she was. She had killed too, and she loved him. Unconditional. Still, Harry was wary of taking her advice and telling Hermione. Would Hermione be able to so easily accept what he had done? She said she would be able to upon hearing the prophecy, but Harry was unsure she would be able to deal with his manner of killing Voldemort. These thoughts plagued him, as he absently reached out and took a swig of the potion on his bedside table before closing his eyes tiredly.

A/N; Okay so Portkey is finally all caught up with the other sites I post on, so now you must wait! Mwhohahaha. Well.... wait for updates like everyone else anyway, actually I should have Chapter three up today or tomorrow, as I'm just waiting on my beta to send it back to me... But I swear! After that once a week! Lol. Review, or I'll change my mind and post Chapter three late....* evil cackle *