Harry Potter's Visum et Disiderium

A/N: Ok, I know this is a bit late... sorry! But It was my birthday on Monday, so I was distracted by weeklong festivities, lol. Alright... this chapter does have a NC-17 over at Witherwings.net where the story has a higher rating. http://www.witherwings.net/fanfiction/viewuser.php?uid=2 link to my author page there. I wanted to write two versions, so I could keep all my readers happy! So enjoy, and as always , review!

Disclaimer: I write for practice not profit. I do not own Harry Potter.

' You're the only one,

I'd be with til the end.

When I come undone

You bring me back again.'

Fall to Pieces by Avril Lavigne

Chapter Five - At Last...

Harry crept slowly up the hall towards Hermione's room. The sun had not quite risen yet, and it was that period between day and night that filled the hall with pale blue light. When Harry stood before Hermione's door, he paused momentarily. He didn't know what to say to her, but he knew if he didn't say it now he might never say it. He reached out slowly and gripped the cold metal of her doorknob. It turned easily and silently under his hand, the quiet in the room remained undisturbed as Harry crossed the threshold and entered Hermione's room.

Closing the door behind him, Harry turned to watch her laying under her covers. Her face was so relaxed in sleep that he didn't want to disturb her in anyway, especially in the way he was about to. Harry stared at her, silent and briefly considered turning back. I told Rowen because I knew no matter what she would accept it. Why can't I trust that Hermione loves me in the same way? Harry thought to himself. I know that I love Hermione enough to forgive her anything... I need to give her more credit when it comes to me. I have to do this. Harry was so deeply engrossed in his thoughts, that he had not seen Hermione's eyes blink open, and widen upon seeing him at the side of her bed. She reached out a hand and touched his face and Harry jumped, startled.

“Merlin Hermione! You terrified me!” he gasped out. “ Warn me before you do something like that!” Hermione just arched a delicate brow at him, and chuckled softly.

“I scared you? Who snuck into whose room in the dead of night here?!” she demanded softly.

“Well, it's hardly the dead of night” Harry responded dryly, stalling for time before she realized that it must be serious to bring him here at this time. Hermione was, as usual, three steps ahead of him though.

“Harry what's wrong? Is something the matter? Did something happen?” she questioned rapidly. Harry looked down and sighed softly.

“I came here, because I had to talk to you. I mean, I was planning on speaking to you soon anyway, but then something happened and I had to do it sooner, and I thought I'd come in here since I didn't know if I'd have time to get you alone before the train...” Harry stopped upon finally seeing the look of extreme confusion and concern on Hermione's face. She smiled encouragingly, and just sat waiting for him to continue, as if she instinctively knew to just let him talk.

“Hermione, I love you. I am so sorry that I've kept all of this from you, but I didn't trust your love for me enough. Which is awful, I know, and my only excuse is that I'm not accustomed to being loved and sharing my burdens. Which is just that, an excuse, and a lousy one at that.” Harry spoke in a low voice, not daring to look at Hermione until he had gotten everything out.

“ When I saw Voldemort hit you that night, it was as if a monster had erupted inside of me. You fell, and I didn't know if you were alive, or alright... That moment felt like it lasted forever Hermione. All I felt was a burning rage inside of me and I directed all of it the only place I could, at Voldemort. Hermione, how do you think I killed him?” Harry looked up finally, and saw only bewildered concern on Hermione's face. There was a touch of hurt in her eyes too, and this made Harry's guilt grow a bit larger.

“I – assumed I suppose, the new killing curse that Lupin taught you...” Hermione trailed off, unease written clearly on her face.

“I did use that curse on Malfoy's father, but I was just surviving then, you know. Living to get to Voldemort...” Harry sighed softly, feeling weariness seep into his very bones. “ I didn't kill him that way Hermione. I set him on fire, and burned him alive and watched him die.” Harry's voice was flat as he spoke, as if he were reciting potions ingredients or speaking of something that he had read about, not experience. Hermione gasped slightly beside him, but remained quiet and only gripped Harry's hand in hers.

“ I enjoyed it a bit, you know? Knowing that he suffered so much more than my Mum or Dad. A quick, painless curse would have been too good for him, do you understand? And now, it's like I've never killed him at all... it haunts my dreams and I hear him – screaming- when I'm awake. I had to take Dreamless Sleep potions every night, just to keep it from everyone. I feel like I don't fit in my own skin anymore, I don't know what to do...” Harry's voice had remained flat during this exchange, no emotion creeping into his voice. Harry felt Hermione pull him up onto the bed at this point, and felt her hand grip his tighter, but she still said nothing.

“And – I kept thinking of how I was a murderer and no one understood that! I mean, I didn't deserve to be accoladed for killing someone. Who would want to be reminded of that daily? All I could think, was that if you knew, you'd see what I was. That – that I wasn't a good person and you wouldn't want to look at me anymore, and I needed for you to look at me just as you always have, do you understand? Dumbledore and Ron watched what happened, and I can't even look at Ron anymore because I see that he thinks of it when he sees me. As for Dumbledore, all I feel around him is angry. Like he somehow did this to me. All I knew was that if I lost you- Hermione, if I lost you...” Harry's voice finally cracked as he turned to look at her. “ I can't loose you Hermione. I would – I wouldn't know what to do..” Harry's voice, thick with unshed tears, trailed off as if unsure what to do or say.

Hermione grabbed his face in both her hands and forced him to look at her. “ No one leaves, remember Harry? I would never leave you, I don't care if you came in here and told me you liked killing him so much that you decided to take over as the next Dark Lord, do you understand? I would stay with you through anything, because I can't be without you. Voldemort was a foul, evil twisted man. I don't care if you pinned him down and cut him open bit by bit. He's dead, and that's all that matters now. He's gone, and he can't come back. You can't let him haunt you, I won't let him. He ruined our lives for the last six years, more in your case, and he will not continue to do so.” Hermione's voice washed over him, almost scary in it's intensity. She had wrapped her arms around him as she spoke pulling so close to him that he almost felt as if there were no ending and beginning between them. Harry felt something deep inside of him relax at her words.

“I'm so sorry Mione,” Harry's voice was muffled by her hair, as he buried his face into her neck. “ I should have told you right away, I'm so sorry I hurt you..” Hermione made soft soothing noises in the back of her throat as she tried to pull him closer. At some point Harry's fear and need to be reassured of her presence lessened, and he began to feel again. He could feel her arms wrapped around him, and her neck against his face, the skin there so soft. He could smell her and breathed deeply to somehow trap the scent with him forever. Hermione's breath quickened as he moved his face closer.

She pulled back slightly looking down at him, her brown eyes filled with love. “I love you so much Harry...” she whispered brokenly. Harry moved upwards to kiss her, and felt for the first time in months as if he were safe. As their mouths met and fused, he could feel a soft sigh escape Hermione's lips. Harry wrapped one arm behind her to pull her closer, and felt one hand go to the back of her head. When his mouth left hers, he began to trail kisses down her neck, as Hermione sighed softly and her breathing became more rapid if possible. Harry felt his own heart thunder in response, as heat uncoiled it self to sit low in his body. Hermione's hands slipped under his shirt, and they felt cool against his heated skin. As they brushed over him, he shivered involuntarily. Hermione grasped the edges of his shirt and pulled, throwing it aside, before doing the same to herself. Harry stopped just staring as he looked down at her. She was so beautiful.

“Hermione...” he managed to croak out in a somewhat questioning tone.

“Shh, Harry. Let me love you, please.” she whispered as she pulled him down to her. Harry sank down, forgetting everything except her and how she felt against him as the sun broke over the horizon.

Harry lay there awestruck afterwards, holding Hermione close and trying to calm his breathing, for once feeling nothing but utter peace seep through his very soul. The sheets tangled around their bodies as Harry gazed down at Hermione in absolute wonder. “ I love you so much you know,” he whispered kissing the top of her head. He was surprised when she answered, since he thought she was asleep.

“ I know Harry.” she said softly. “ No more secrets though, alright? I don't want you to have to go through any of this alone.” She snuggled into his arms more deeply as she spoke. Harry felt himself reminded of the vision as she spoke. He had forgotten in the , uh, heat of the moment.

“Hermione, I forgot one thing...” he began to speak about the strange vision he had earlier that night. He briefly considered leaving out her being pregnant out, but felt he owed Hermione the whole truth at all times, especially now that they were so much closer after tonight. Hermione listened with interest, waiting for him to finish before speaking.

“The Knights of Walpurgis... Harry, I know I've read that name somewhere. Even if we do discover who they are though, what does it mean? A warning? And you said I referred to it as you first vision. Clearly we have to figure out why it happened tonight, and try to reproduce it to get more information...” she sighed, frustrated. Harry wondered that she didn't mention any of the personal details of the vision, but was more than willing to ignore it for the time being.

“Well, maybe we could ask Snape and Rowen about the Knights? As for the vision, I'm sure we'll figure out how to reproduce it. There must have been something I did differently last night to trigger it.” Harry had a niggling feeling he was forgetting something but brushed the thought aside as Hermione moved beside him, her skin brushing his.

“Well, imminent danger in the future aside, we have to get up and finish packing. Rowen will be waking you up soon, we have to leave early for the train you know.” Hermione stated in a matter of fact voice as she moved to get up. Harry grabbed her and pulled her back into his arms, though, kissing her thoroughly.

“Thank you.” he whispered as he pulled away. “ For understanding, and for – just for loving me I guess.” he finished sheepishly. Hermione smiled at him softly.

“I always will Harry.” she spoke softly, and they lay there holding one another, soaking up the moment before they had to move forward with the day.