~A/N> Okay, here's a one-shot that I just couldn't get out of my head yesterday. It's angsty,
it's a bit smutty, and the ending leaves the possibility to add more onto it later if I want. I'm still working
on my other stories, I just needed to get this written so that I could concentrate on them more. I hope you enjoy!
:)
"Leave me alone!!" Harry Potter yelled as someone knocked on the door he had just slammed shut.
"Harry, I think we need to talk about this," Remus Lupin said calmly from the other side.
Angered even more by the placating tone of his voice, Harry picked up one of the books that was lying on his bed and threw it at the door as hard as he could. When he saw it hit and heard the 'thud' he felt a miniscule amount of his anger fade, but he was still raging at the injustice that life had dealt him...
It was the summer after seventh year and he, Ron, and Hermione were all staying at Grimmauld Place because the
Second War had finally begun. Voldemort had attacked Harry at the last Quidditch game of his school career and had
almost succeeded in killing him that day. Thankfully most of the Order members were sitting in the stands and were able
to save him...they had been getting reports that Voldemort was planning something, so they were fully prepared when he
made his move. After a vicious battle and many casualties, Voldemort realized that he was unable to get to Harry again
and he and his Death Eaters retreated. Everyone knew that it would only be a short while until he tried to attack Harry
again, so the Order had demanded that he stay at Grimmauld so that they could protect him better. The resentment had
started then, when they had taken control of his life even though he was now of age, and had been growing steadily ever
since.
The trio was made to practice offensive and defensive spells every morning, with physical training and Order update meetings in the afternoons. Nighttime was supposed to be their time to relax, but every night there was one Order member or another that would seek Harry out and lecture him about the responsibility that he carried on his seventeen year old shoulders. The anger was building in him more every day and with it came indignation and disgust that these adult wizards were counting on a mere teenager to protect them and save the world.
In this storm of emotions Harry had one saving grace that had kept him grounded and sane...Hermione. She had been patient, caring, and kind with him long before Voldemort's attack and she had gone on with life normally, as if nothing out of the ordinary had occured at all. She continued to lecture him about doing his homework and she still stayed up late into the night with him. She was there to calm and soothe him when he was awakened by nightmares that made him want to curl up into a ball and die, thus taking the satisfaction of killing him away from Voldemort. She had held him while he broke down one night right before their last day at Hogwarts and had never spoken of it again because she knew how embarrassed he had been by his weakness. She had been a buoy for him through the tumultuous times and he had realized that somewhere along the way he had fallen for her...hard...but he kept his feelings hidden for fear of jeopardizing her life. He'd be damned if he'd let Voldemort find out so that he could use her against him, endangering them both. If anything happened to her he would never be able to forgive himself.
That morning he had awakened in a halfway decent mood for a change and since he actually felt hungry he made his way to the Kitchen for breakfast. On his way down the corridor he had to pass by the Library, the room that always made him smile with the rememberance of Hermione, and he had seen something inside the room that had caused him to stop immediately. As he had quickly cast a glance to take in the books that Hermione loved so much his gaze had fallen on a couple sitting on the couch, snogging. When he realized that the couple was Ron and Hermione he felt a wave of nausea slam into him with such force that he had ran to the loo and gotten sick.
Once he had purged himself of the vile that was rejection he stood over the water basin and splashed water on his face. When he closed his eyes as the water cascaded down over them, he immediately saw them again and had opened them quickly to see his reflection staring back at him. The haunted look he wore and the sadness he saw in his own eyes had been the final straw...she had made her decision and she had picked Ron over him. With that thought a surge of unadulterated fury gripped him and he stalked out of the loo, hellbent on showing them that they had not broken him, even though he was screaming in agony on the inside at the thought that she did not return his feelings.
Without casting a second glance at the Library he ran down the stairs and walked with his head held high into the Kitchen. When his gaze rested on his two best friends, sitting side by side at the table while they ate, he swallowed down the bile that threatened to rise again and took a seat across from them. When Hermione looked at him and gave him the smile that she usually reserved just for him, he shook his head in disbelief that she was pretending that everything was fine. Things were far from fine and he was angry that she thought him stupid enough to believe her ruse.
"Alright there, Harry?" Ron asked, his telltale smile gloating to Harry that he had won Hermione's heart...he had finally bested the great boy-who-lived by taking away the most important thing in his life. All Harry could hear at the moment were the screams of rage that kept echoing in his head at the thought that these two...his friends...thought that they could keep their relationship to themselves.
Unable to suppress his fury any longer he stared at Ron, his loathing shining in his eyes, as he replied, "No Ron, I'm not 'all right'. As a matter of fact, I'm far from it."
"Harry, what's wrong?" Hermione asked and when he turned to face her he could see confusion in her eyes.
"Like you don't already know?" he scoffed, causing her eyes to grow wide at the venomous tone in his voice. "I can't believe you two...do you really think I'm so daft that I can't see what's going on?"
"What are you on about?" Ron asked with a hint of anger in his voice as well. "We haven't done anything that you don't already know about."
Harry laughed, a hollow sound that was almost chilling, and turned to Hermione to ask, "Is that true?"
Flabbergasted by his strange behavior, Hermione replied, "I...Harry, what..." and then he saw comprehension dawn in her beautiful brown eyes. She had figured it out, she knew he had seen them and she snapped her mouth shut immediately, at a rare loss for words.
"You two are supposed to be my friends...I thought we were going to stand by each other and end this War so that we could all live the rest of our lives together in peace," Harry said in a chillingly quiet voice, "Obviously you have more on your minds than saving the world and helping me defeat Voldemort once and for all."
"Bloody hell!" Ron said, "What is this all about?"
"Don't you understand Ron?" Hermione asked as she stared into Harry's eyes sadly and tears trailed down her cheeks, "He saw us...he saw you and I in the Library..."
"Oh no," Ron said as a wave of guilt washed over him. Turning to Harry he said, "You've got it all wrong Mate, I..."
"I don't want to hear it," Harry interrupted and he had stood up so quickly that his chair had fallen backwards, landing loudly onto the floor. Remus, who had heard the shouting upstairs, had come down to see what was going on and was standing in the doorway as the scene unfolded. When Harry tried to walk past him he grabbed his arm to stop him and the look that Harry gave him made him release his hold immediately. With everything that Harry had suffered through, Remus had never seen such a look of anger and despair in his eyes before and he knew that if he said anything at that moment it would only make things worse. He watched as Harry ascended the stairs and followed him up a few ticks later.
Now he sat in the dank room that he called his in this Godforsaken house, listening as Remus still knocked on the door,
asking to be let in. Covering his ears with his hands, trying to drown out the annoying sound, he could hear his heart
beating out a cadence that made his head throb and he uncovered them immediately. When yet another knock sounded he
yelled, "Go away!!"
"Please Harry, I need to talk to you," came Hermione's small voice, barely audible through the thick oak door.
"No," Harry said loud enough for her to hear, "I don't want to talk to you right now. Just go away."
A tick later his head jerked up as the door to his room slammed open and an irate Hermione walked in with her wand drawn. "I'm not going anywhere until you hear me out," she said as anger blazed in her eyes.
He watched as she walked over to shut the door and cast silencing and locking spells on it. His anger doubled at her disregard of his privacy and he couldn't sit on the bed any longer. Walking up to her, he grabbed both of her shoulders painfully and pushed her back until she was pressed up against the door she had just came through, and glared down at her. "You have no right to barge in here like that," he growled.
He had never turned his anger on her like this and the look he was giving her was so dark that it actually scared her. "Y-You don't understand..." she stuttered.
"Yes I do," he interrupted, his grip on her becoming tighter and more painful as his voice became deadly quiet, "I understand that my two best friends have been sneaking around behind my back. I understand that the two of you having a shag is more important than training with me for the final fight. I understand that you don't give a shit about me and you're just upset that you were found out. Sorry I spoiled your fun."
Hermione stood there, staring at him in horror as he berated her in a voice filled with hatred. Afraid that he might have finally been pushed past the breaking point, Hermione said, "No, Harry, that's not true. We..."
"Since you can give it up to Ron so easily, maybe I'll have a go at you..." he said with a Malfoy-like sneer. "Merlin knows I may not have the chance to shag a girl before I die, and you've always said over and over again that you'd do anything for me. Now you can finally shut your mouth and follow through with that promise."
With tears cascading down her cheeks now, Hermione stared him straight in the eyes and said angrily, "You think I'm a slag, do you? Think you can just take what you want from me and that maybe hurting me will help to ease the hurt and anger you're feeling right now?" She watched as his face fell a bit and knew that she was getting through to him, if only just a little. Using all of the anger and love that she was feeling for him she thrashed her way out of his grip and stared at him defiantly, as if daring him to grab her again. With eyes that shone with emotions he had never seen her express before, she reached down and started to unbutton her shirt with shaking hands and yelled, "You already have my heart and soul Harry, so you mine as well take my body too because I'll never belong to anyone but you!"
"You don't belong to me!" he shouted, "You can't belong to me...it'll only get you killed." The look in his eyes was a mixture of anguish and despair as he looked into her eyes and then looked away. "Thanks to Voldemort I am nothing more than Death incased in a human body and no matter where I run someone I love gets hurt or killed and I can't take it anymore!"
"This isn't like you Harry," Hermione said in a soft, shaking voice, "We've all been pushed to our limits this past year and I can understand how it can wear you down, but you have to fight it. If you don't it'll surely drive you mad."
Harry, who was breathing heavily thanks to the steady stream of resentment and anger that was coursing through him now, laughed bitterly. "You're so sure that you know everything about me, but you don't know a damn thing. I'm not one of your books Hermione, you can't just turn the pages and learn everything there is to know about my life. That's not how it works!"
"I know that!" she yelled in reply, fed up with the way he was behaving. She didn't want to admit how much he was scaring her at the moment...this was a side of Harry that she had never seen and she was afraid that he was close to the edge of insanity. She had to get through to him, through to her Harry, and make him realize how loved he was. Deciding on drastic measures, Hermione reached out and grabbed two fistfulls of his shirt and clung to him desperately. "Harry, you can't do this. We need you...I need you...please don't push us away because you think it will save us. It won't. Voldemort will still kill us if he gets the chance simply because we dared to defy him by being friends with you. Running away from those that love you now will only give him the upper hand...you mean so much to me Harry...please, don't leave me..."
Letting her fear and desperation overwhelm her, Hermione kissed him hard, and Harry froze. As she kept her lips pressed to his, she could feel his muscles relaxing a little at a time, and finally he wrapped his arms around her waist tightly, pulling her roughly against him. She felt his tongue touch her lips and she opened for him, getting a taste of the salty tears that were still falling from her eyes and of what could only be described as the essence of Harry. The kiss was filled with need and anguish, grief and love, and it drowned the two of them with it's intensity.
As suddenly as it had begun, Harry broke the kiss and pushed her away from him. "We...can't...do...THIS!!"
Hermione's emotional pain threshold shattered at that moment and she fell to the floor as sobs wracked her body. "But I...I l-love you H-Harry," she lamented.
Harry stood there unmoving as those four words slammed into him like a freight train. No one, that he could remember, had ever said they loved him. As the red haze of anger that had engulfed him dissapated he looked at her, taking in the shirt that hung open, and then he saw her face. As his gaze traveled over her face he noticed her swollen lips, her red, puffy eyes and the tears. He saw how her whole body was shaking, and when he noted the anger, hurt, and fear in her stare something inside of him shattered. 'What have I done?' he thought as tears burned his eyes.
Taking a step toward her he said, "Hermione, I'm so sorry," and cringed internally when she leaned away from him, never taking her eyes off of him.
"I d-don't want to be with Ron," she said quietly, "What you saw this morning was a misunderstanding. Ron admitted that he fancied me and before I could react he kissed me. When I told him that I didn't return his feelings he apologized and we both promised not to let it effect our friendship." Swallowing a sob she added, "It's you I want, Harry...it's always been you."
As the last vestiges of anger left him to be replaced with regret, he closed the distance between them and fell to the floor in front of her crumpled form. He slowly brought his hand up to her cheek, cradling it as he gently carressed the soft, flushed skin. "Something snapped inside of me when I saw the two of you...after everything that's happened this year it was too much and I let my emotions run rampant instead of keeping a calm head. It's just that...I've fancied you for a while Hermione. I'm sorry I never said anything before but I didn't want to put you in any more danger than you already are."
"But that's not your decision to make," Hermione said angrily, "I know the danger that I am in by being your friend Harry, and I don't care. I love you, and no one, not even Voldemort could keep me away from you."
"But he's going to try to use you to get to me, and if anything happened to you I wouldn't be able to forgive myself," Harry said adamantly.
"It's not your decision to make," she repeated quietly, and before he could say anything else she leaned forward and kissed him.
This time the kiss was gentle and he was aware of how soft her lips were...softer than he'd ever dreamed or imagined, and every last vestige of anger left him immediately to be replaced by mindnumbing desire. Needing to hold her, Harry wrapped his arms around her still-bare waist and pulled her against him, relishing the way they fit together. It was as if she were made for him, and he for her, and no one else would ever be able to take their place and make them feel so complete.
When Hermione broke their kiss Harry opened his eyes and watched as she reached up, grabbed the open sides of her shirt and slowly slid it down her arms. As she let it drop to the floor Harry ran his hands over the skin on her back and then leaned forward, placing his lips where her neck and collarbone met, and sucked lightly.
Hermione moaned at the sensations he was causing and brought her hands up, running them roughly through his hair, and ignored the part of her that kept reminding her that this really wasn't a good idea. With the War coming closer to them every day, she was going to take advantage of every moment she could share with Harry. She wanted him to love her and she wanted to be his in every way...she wanted him to feel and she would gladly give her body and soul over to him to make it happen.
As the two of them knelt on the floor they used their hands and mouths to explore every inch of skin they could. Hermione had yanked his shirt over his head and tossed it aside and he had quickly reached behind her to fumble with the clasp of her bra. After finally getting it undone, Harry brought his hands up to the straps and slid them slowly down her arms, watching as her beautiful breasts were exposed for his hungry eyes to consume. Nervously, carefully, Harry placed his hand on one breast and gently ran his thumb across the nipple, causing Hermione to gasp at the sensations it created within her. When he leaned forward to replace his hand with his mouth Hermione's head fell back and she moaned at the pleasure that coursed through her veins, igniting fires in places that hadn't been alive before.
Harry's head was swimming with incoherent thoughts as he sucked and nipped, worshipping her body as if she were a Goddess. He moved on to the other breast and shifted his body a bit, his erection becoming almost unbearable. Noticing his movement, Hermione reached down to the bulge in his jeans and ran her hand over it, almost snapping the last thread of control he had left. With her nipple still in his mouth, Harry moaned, and the sensation of it fanned the flames of need that licked at her. She brought both hands up to the sides of Harry's head and guided him up so that she could claim his lips once again, putting all of the passion and love she was feeling in that moment into the kiss.
The two of them stumbled up from the floor, still locked in their passionate kiss, and Harry guided her over to his bed. With shaking, clumsy hands they rid each other of the rest of their clothing and tumbled onto the bed. Unable to wait any longer, Harry positioned himself above her. Breaking the kiss only long enough to situate himself so that the tip of his manhood pushed against her opening, he resumed their kiss and slowly pushed into her. There was no need for reassurance or permission, they both knew this was what they wanted...needed...and there was no way that they were going to deny themselves the chance to feel alive any longer. Life was too unsure...too damn short...to pass up the opportunity to be happy, if only for a little while.
Hermione's body tensed at the unfamiliar intrusion and Harry stilled, letting her body adjust to him before he resumed their joining. When he reached her barrier, the last vestige of her innocence, he pushed through quickly. He heard and felt her sharp intake of breath and prayed that he hadn't caused her a lot of pain.
Though she still felt a dull throb of pain and somewhat uncomfortable, she urged him to move, assuring him that she was okay. He pulled back out of her, taking care to continue slowly, and pushed back in, creating a steady rhythme that soon started to replace her pain with feelings of pleasure. Soon she was coaxing him to go faster and deeper by wrapping her legs tightly around him, causing him to grind his teeth together as he desperately clung to what little restraint he had left. When she leaned up and started sucking on his neck, his control shattered and he came, spilling his seed inside of her. At the same time Hermione had felt the knot in her stomach that had been building the whole time dissolve into waves and waves of ecstacy that caused starbursts of light to erupt behind her eyelids.
Saying his name over and over again, she rode out the wondrous feeling and when she opened her eyes she saw the most amazing sight before her. Harry lay above her, propped up on his elbows, and his facial expression told her that he had enjoyed it as much as she had. When he seperated from her he moved to lay at her side and wrapped his arm around her waist, pulling her as close to him as he could.
The two of them lay there in silence as realization of what they had just done settled over them and they both knew that things would never be the same between them again. Now she was his in every way and no matter what happened, no other man or wizard would be able to lay claim to her. She just hoped that her love was enough to help him open his heart and tap into a power he still didn't know he possessed...the power he would need to defeat Voldemort once and for all.