Unofficial Portkey Archive

A .N . Just a little bit of stuff I have been working on for a while. Written whilst listening to "Halleluiah" sung by Jeff Buckley. New chapters of "Into My Arms" on their way, I have lost my beta reader and I am feeling the loss deeply.

Enjoy. (and review if you will.)

The Love Letter I Never Sent. (From Draco To Ginny)

My friends, such as they are, think I'm crazy you know. For months I've been a shadow, a lifeless husk of a person, disappearing at night and sleeping all day. If they had any idea where I disappeared to I'm sure their suspicions would be proved true. I'm not actually sure why I feel compelled to haunt the street outside your home, I've tried not to often enough. Many is the time I've walked in the opposite direction, my eyes on my shuffling feet and when I've looked up there I am again, staring up at your windows with hopeful eyes, hopeful for a mere glimpse of you.

How has it come to this? I was always proud and strong and unaffected by others. What did you do to change me so? You used to look at me with eyes that implied affection, you spoke my name thickly, not my last name like you had been taught to do but my first. How I loved how it sounded on your tongue, how filled with need and lust it was. I thought it would sound that way forever. I was wrong.

Now I come to think of it you never really looked me in the eye. I used to catch you looking at me sometimes when I was busy reading or when I was pretending to sleep but when I met your gaze you looked away, your face reddened and your expression sad. I told myself that you would come around one day, that one day you would meet eyes with me and not be ashamed of our attraction. I told myself that we could be truly happy one day but in the meantime I could be satisfied with your kisses and your embraces and not want anything more.

We fought a lot. About your family, about my family. You ended it thousands of times and at the beginning I believed you and we would fight about that. But after a while I knew you would not go. You needed me and I mistook that need for love. You would stand up to leave, dressing quickly while listing the reasons why we could not continue our nightly trysts. I would watch you with and emotionless expression and wait quietly until you reached my door to go. Then I would say your name, not loudly or angrily just matter-of-factly, barely loud enough for you to hear but loud enough to stop you in your tracks. Then I would rise and cross the room to you, turn you to face me and hold you to my chest while you struggled and protested, until your resolve slowly evaporated and you would let me kiss you again. I would lead you back to the bed, peeling your clothes from you as we went. Your rejections always hurt but I was always confident that you would return and I was always right. What I was wrong about was the reason why.

You used to confide in me. You would talk endlessly about how lost you felt, how hopeless and weary. You told me of your first year and how scared and alone you had been. How alone you still felt. You talked about your family and how suffocating your brothers could be. But mostly you talked about how close you were to Ron, and how upset he would be if he found out about the two of us. I never thought that your shame would be enough to break us apart but it was. Your compelling need to please your family was far greater than anything you could feel for me, I see that now. And so it is hardly surprising that I lost you to the first guy that your family approved.

When you told me that you were leaving that night I didn't believe you, it was just a ritual that we went through after all. I should have sensed that it was different this time for you had never cried in the past. When I called your name this time you didn't stop, you just opened the door and closed it gently behind you. I waited for you, god knows I waited for what seemed like an eternity. I am still waiting but as the weeks go by my hope diminishes.

I heard today that you have set a date for your wedding. When I saw the article in the Daily Prophet I just stared at that picture of you smiling with your arm linked through his. Don't think that I was fooled by that smile. It didn't quite reach your eyes and in those I could see how unhappy you really are. I like to think that no matter how dark our situation became, I could still make you really smile and your eyes sparkled with it. The most beautiful eyes I have ever seen.

When I heard about the two of you I was not surprised. My pride stung and my heart ached for you but I was not surprised. Why would I be? It was always inevitable that you would run into the arms of the first man that your family approved of, that you would be eager to wipe away the time you spent in my arms. But it isn't that easy is it? It isn't easy to forget how good it felt, it isn't easy to fill the gaping hole that our parting has left inside you. You are all fire and passion, no one ever saw that in you like I did and no one ever touched that part of you so successfully. No one but me.

In that picture I saw new hope, because I know that deep inside you a flame still burns, if not for me then for the way that I made you feel. Passionate and more alive than you ever thought possible. And you can search forever but you will never find that with anyone else, that's how I know that one day you will come back to me. And you will stay with me because there will be nothing left for you to go back to.