Hermione slammed the door and angrily tossed her robes in the vicinity of the armchair in front of the fire, unaware that they fell into a discarded heap well short of their intended target. Instead, she began pacing around the small reception-type area of the Head Girl's dorm, muttering under her breath as she replayed the argument she had just had with Harry over in her head.
She had been lenient with Harry's frustration since they destroyed the Horcrux in Hufflepuff's cup over a week ago, which left only Naglini and Voldemort to get rid of. Harry was ready to rush off and finish the job, eliminating the last two pieces of the 'killing Lord Voldemort for good' puzzle as quickly as possible. However, the consensus was to plan their last move thoroughly before making their final attack - something that was driving Harry insane.
Which is why Hermione had been discussing with him yet again the reasons behind delaying the last battle, their conversation getting more and more animated as they walked towards the Gryffindor common room to meet Ron. By the time they stepped through the portrait hole, they had been shouting at each other.
It had taken a lot to talk Harry into coming back to Hogwarts but Hermione had done it, arguing that the protection and resources that the school provided was essential for their quest for the Horcruxes. Professor McGonagall had made her Head Girl and Harry Head Boy while Ron was Quidditch captain, giving the trio pretty much unlimited freedom of the school. They had needed it as their quest to get rid of the pieces of Voldemort's soul had been difficult, dangerous and very, very time consuming.
The toll was beginning to show as the school year drew to a close and the final confrontation was in sight. The teenagers were exhausted, no more than Harry, and once again his temper simmered very close to the surface. But that didn't excuse him for what had just happened, what he had said and why Hermione was so mad at him right now.
"Hermione? Are you in there? Can I come in?" Hermione stopped mid pace and looked at the door, frowning as she heard Harry call out.
"Go away," she yelled back.
"Please," he pleaded, "let me in. I need to talk to you, to explain…" In three angry strides, Hermione was at the door and flung it open, surprising Harry with the suddenness of the movement as he waited on the other side.
"What have you got left to say Harry Potter?" she growled at him, "I think your little outburst in the common room said it all!"
"Look, it seems I got the wrong end of the stick…"
"You think?" Hermione interrupted sarcastically.
"Can I come in and explain?" She stood there looking at him, her arms crossed protectively on her chest as he shuffled embarrassedly in front her. She was trying desperately to stay angry at him but as she stared him down, she saw that he looked genuinely contrite and she felt her anger ebb away. Moving to the side, she unblocked the door with her body and let him enter the room. He made his way to the two chairs that faced the fire place, jumping slightly when Hermione slammed the door shut behind him. Seeing she hadn't followed him, he remained standing, looking very uncomfortable, waiting for her to speak. She didn't keep him waiting too long.
"I have put up with a lot from you," she said angrily, "I've stood by you when no-one else did, risked my life for you time and time again, shouted down those who criticised you - bloody hell, I thought I was your best friend! Yet according to you I should be pushing you out the door, that I should be grateful that you want to leave now because I am madly in love with Ron and you are holding back our relationship! That all we want is for you to die so we can get married and live our lives happily without you! How could you even think those things! How could you even consider that your safety isn't paramount to me, to us! And where in sweet Merlin did you get the idea that I was in love with Ron?"
Hermione's anger had returned ten fold as she stood face to face with Harry, hands on hips and eyes blazing. Her lack of size meant nothing as Harry cowered under her onslaught, his face flushed from whatever he was feeling.
"Well," he began timidly, "er, you guys argue a lot…"
"That's because we annoy the hell out of each other," she interrupted sharply. Harry nodded in acknowledgement before continuing.
"And then there was the whole jealousy thing last year, when he was with Lavender…" Hermione paused as she thought about her actions the previous year and blushed. It wasn't her finest hour and every time she remembered what she had done, she felt terribly embarrassed. Seeing that he had hit a nerve, Harry courageously carried on.
"I wasn't the only one that thought so either," he said, "heaps of people thought you guys liked each other, all the signs were there…"
"Last year was such a mess," she sighed, suddenly deflated, "besides, Ron doesn't like me, he likes Luna. They've been going out for the last few months."
"I know," Harry replied, "Ron told me after you left. Set me straight on a few things, actually. He was pretty annoyed." Hermione looked back up at him and closed her eyes wearily. They had all changed so much over the past years, seen too much to be clueless teenagers, yet life still had a way to remind them all now and then that they were only seventeen and eighteen years old.
"Why were you so jealous of Ron last year?" Harry asked softly, "if you didn't have feelings for him, why did you act so weird?" Opening her eyes and sighing, Hermione dropped down into one of the chairs in front of the fire, aware that Harry copied her and was watching her intently.
"It…it's hard to explain," she began, "besides, I'm not sure if I want to tell you…"
"Why not? You and I talk about every thing." Hermione smiled and looked over at her friend, seeing that he actually believed what he had just said.
"No we don't Harry," she replied, "unless it's about school work, getting rid of Voldemort or saving your life, our conversations are pretty rare." She watched as he frowned and thought over what she said before giving her a resigned smile.
"I guess you're right," he said, "hey, you aren't seeing someone as well are you? And I've been totally oblivious? I can't believe I didn't pick up on Ron and Luna."
"No, I'm not seeing someone," Hermione smiled, "and you do have other things on your mind."
"That's no excuse," Harry frowned, "you guys are my friends and I should actually treat you like my friends. Not shout at you and accuse you of wanting to get rid of me. That was totally out of order and I am so sorry Hermione." He glanced at her with an apologetic smile.
"How could you even think that my life would be better without you in it," she questioned, "Harry, you have enriched my life in so many ways. You and Ron. And I am looking forward to the day when this threat isn't hanging over you and you can finally be happy because if there is anyone in this world that deserves to be happy - it's you." Hermione watched as Harry looked unseeingly into the fire, her words being considered before he replied - an act that was so much unlike his recent spontaneous outbursts that she frowned.
"You've changed the subject," he suddenly said, drawing his eyes away from the fire and looking back at her, a smile dancing on his lips, "why were you so weird last year?"
"Because you guys didn't need me anymore." Her answer was short and to the point, but it was how she had felt.
"What?" Harry exclaimed, "How could you think that we didn't need you?"
"I know my place in the team," she began, smiling, "you are the hero, the one who is going to save the world - strong, brave, daring. Ron is your best friend and a guy, therefore your confidant, I guess you could say your side kick. I'm the brains. I'm the one who does the research, finds out the facts and keeps you both on the ground so you don't run off and do something stupid…"
"You're more than that Hermione," Harry interrupted, "if it wasn't for you, I'd be dead years ago…"
"That's because together, we make a great team. Our strengths and weaknesses play off each other and has helped us do what we've needed to do," she paused as she thought about what they had accomplished over the last seven years and grinned before sobering up to answer his question, "but last year, things changed. You had private lessons with Professor Dumbledore, had beaten me at Defence Against the Dark Arts, and was becoming stronger than even you realised. Worse than that, you found the Half Blood Prince and no longer needed me to help you in Potions, your worst subject. I felt like my role in the trio was under threat."
"Hermione, that is so…."
"Added to that," Hermione continued, ignoring his interruption, "Ron began acting like the biggest prat in the universe. I knew he liked me though he never, ever told me he did. Yet, I knew that if everything else went pear shaped, he would be there, disagreeing with everything I said, getting jealous if some bloke even looked in my direction, looking out for me. Suddenly he wasn't. Suddenly he was doing goodness knows what with my roommate and being so cruel to me. You were starting to get interested in Ginny and I felt extremely alone. So I guess I went a bit weird."
"I think we all went a bit weird last year," Harry added glumly.
"I don't know," Hermione laughed, "I think you were pretty sane. And the happiest I had ever seen you."
"You mean with Ginny?" Hermione nodded, making Harry sigh, "even that was weird."
"How?"
"It was like I had two lives, one that had Voldemort in it and one that had Ginny and they were total opposites. When I was with her, I felt normal and yeah, happy. But when Dumbledore di…died I knew it wasn't supposed to be like that. I don't think she could ever understand what its like to be me."
"That's why you broke it off with her?"
"No, that is why we never got back together," Harry paused as he thought about what he was going to say, Hermione watching with interest, "it was difficult, to see her again, in the beginning. But the search for the Horcruxes and the crap that went along with it made me realise, quite quickly, that she wasn't part of that and therefore not part of my life. Soon she was just Ginny again. Now I look at her with nothing but a fondness of her being the sister of my best friend."
"Will she be? Part of your life, I mean" Hermione asked tentatively, "when this is all over?"
"I don't think this will ever be over, not for me anyway." Hermione looked over at Harry and felt tears prick the back of her eyes. He sounded so defeated and his body mirrored the sadness in his voice - he was hunched over, his head hanging loosely between his shoulders as he stared absently at the floor, his hands clenched together with his elbows resting on his knees. Hermione didn't know what to say, not really trusting her voice anyway.
"Can I tell you something?" he said after a while, "something that you can't tell anyone else, not even Ron?"
"Sure." Hermione waited as Harry got his thoughts together, suddenly feeling very nervous. What would he say that he didn't want Ron to hear?
"I'm scared Hermione, really, really scared," he looked at her and she could see his fear in his eyes, "and I don't want to die." Her heart broke and at the same time something inside of her strengthened. Making her way around the small table that separated them, she knelt before him and covered his clenched hands with hers.
"I think the reason that I have tried so hard to stop you running off this past week," she said softly, "is because I'm scared too and I am doing everything I can to make sure you aren't going to die - we all are Harry."
"I know. But this waiting…I just want to get it over and done with. At the moment I'm either terrified or angry and I hate feeling like this. The more I wait, the more certain I am that I'm going to die. I had to make a will the other day…" His voice had got quieter and quieter but Hermione heard every word.
"You're not going to die…"
"How can you be so sure?" Angrily he stood, brushing her hands away as he began to pace, "I'm not stronger than Voldemort, no one is! How the hell am I supposed to defeat him? With Dumbledore's weird notion that love is going to kill him, that love is the power 'that he know's not'? Bloody hell - I don't even know what love is! How can I kill the greatest wizard of all time with a power that I have never even felt, or experienced!"
"You've experienced love Harry…"
"When? My parents? That one year of love is supposed to be enough to kill Voldemort?"
"You've been loved since then…"
"No I haven't! Look at me Hermione! Really look at me! I'm alone and always will be!"
"What about Sirius?" Hermione yelled back, standing up and facing him, her anger matching his, "Dumbledore? The Weasleys? There are so many people that love you Harry, yet you dismiss them because you are so caught up in your own tragic story that you have to do this on your own! What about me? Earlier today you were quick to think I can love Ron but I can't love you? How blind can you be?"
"You don't love me, how could you!" he yelled back, "and my own tragic story? You think I want my life like this? That I want to be on my own? Everyone I've ever cared about has died…"
"Oh thanks, that makes me feel really special!" she spat, "that clears everything up! Well, I won't bother you any more with my petty concerns about your welfare. For the second time today you have indicated that I am nothing to you and that my love for you is worthless. I really don't know why I'm bothering and quite frankly, I don't think I will any more. I've given you everything that I have and it's still not good enough - I have nothing left Harry. Good luck for the rest of your life." With that she turned on her heel and began to make her way to her bedroom, angry tears beginning to roll down her cheeks.
"Hermione, wait." She heard him call out to her but she kept on walking and was half way up the stairs when she felt him grab her arm.
"Let go of me," she said quietly.
"No, no," he pleaded, "please, this is wrong. It wasn't supposed to go like this. I've made such a mess of things. Please, don't hate me."
"You can't keep doing this to me Harry," Hermione continued, letting herself be turned around so they faced one another, "I understand the pressure you're under and how scared you are, but that doesn't give you the right to use me as a punching bag. I deserve more than that…"
"I know…" Harry interrupted, but was quickly cut off.
"I will continue to do everything I can to make sure you get through this alive, but that's it. I've got nothing left to give you Harry." And with all the strength and dignity she could muster, Hermione turned and went to her room, leaving him standing alone on the stairs.
Hermione kept to her word, keeping all contact with Harry to a minimum. She backed away from Ron as well so he didn't have to choose between the both of them, letting him turn naturally to Harry. For the next few days she left them alone as much as she could and only speaking to them when she had no other choice.
She found herself enjoying the spring sunshine and spent many hours wandering around the lake, thinking about what she was going to do next, once it was all over. She had come to the conclusion that she couldn't stay here, whether Harry lived or died - she had to move on. The thought saddened and terrified her, but the heart that had strengthened when Harry confessed how scared he was knew it was the only way she could get past the pain she was now feeling.
Part of her realised that she had over-reacted at the end of her argument with Harry, that he hadn't actually said that he didn't care for her and that it was her who should really apologise to him. But she couldn't. His words had hurt too much for her to ignore. Added to the fact that she had confessed her love for him and he hadn't responded made her cringe internally every time she saw him.
It was Saturday afternoon when the decision was made to attack Voldemort the following day. The Order sat around in various chairs in Professor McGonagall's office going through their plans over and over again so that each member knew what they had to do instinctively.
Hermione listened and talked about Harry but she never talked to Harry, their lack of communication obvious to all around them. At one time she stole a glance at him as he sat in the centre of the room, concentrating on what he was being told, and found that he had been looking at her. They stared at each other for a moment before she broke away, shaking at the intensity of the emotion his eyes portrayed.
As the meeting drew to a close, she almost ran out of the room and was half way down the corridor when Ron caught up to her.
"Hermione, stop," he said firmly and she found herself obeying, slowly turning to face him - frowning when she saw he had dragged a reluctant looking Harry with him, "this has got to end. You and Harry have to sort out whatever is eating both of you before tomorrow."
"There is nothing to sort out Ron…" Hermione began, ready to start walking again.
"Don't make me stun you Hermione," Ron interrupted, grabbing her arm with his free hand, leading them both to an empty classroom and pushing them inside before she could start to object further, "I can't believe how stupid you both are! Talk to each other! Shout at each other! I don't care, just sort this out!"
"I haven't got time for this…" Harry mumbled angrily, making to push past Ron, who was blocking the door way.
"Yes you have Harry," came a different voice as Remus came and stood next to Ron, "I want you to give me your wands."
"What?" Harry exclaimed, "why?"
"So you don't kill each other," Ron answered. Hermione stayed silent as she handed her wand to Remus then watched with amusement as Harry reluctantly did the same.
"You both won't be able to leave this room until we let you," Remus instructed, "this is for your own good. We'll send Dobby in with some food." With that he left, leaving Ron to face his two friends.
"I can't believe we have to do this," he said sadly, "I thought it would always be me and Hermione that would self destruct. You two, you always seemed to understand each other even when you didn't agree. Sort it out guys - please." Without another word, he too was gone and the door sealed itself behind him.
Silently, Hermione sat down at one of the desks and stared at her clasped hands in front of her. She knew she should say something, break the ice because the sooner they talked, the sooner they'd come to an arrangement which meant the sooner they could leave. But she couldn't. The words from their last argument were still fresh in her mind as was the hurt they caused. So instead she sat silently and waited.
"This is stupid," she finally heard Harry growl as he shoved an empty desk out of his way and went to stand by the window. Hermione looked up and saw him, his hands deep in his pockets, his shoulders hunched as he stared angrily out of the window. Yet she still didn't say anything.
"Are you actually going to talk?" he asked a few moments later, "or am I going to spend my last night alive talking to myself!"
"You've given up already?" she replied, her anger beginning to boil.
"Nothing's changed Hermione," he spat back, "even with all our careful plans and strategies, it still comes down to him and me. And since you hate me and everyone else seems to think I'm the biggest arse in Britain, Dumbledore's love theory is as dead as him!"
"I don't hate you…"
"You haven't spoken to me in three days!" Harry screamed at her, "you can't even bare to look at me! And as you most kindly pointed out to me, you've given me everything and I've given you nothing back - how could you not hate me!"
"What do you expect me to do, huh?" she screamed back, getting to her feet, "let you abuse me every time you feel scared or threatened? Just stand back and let you apologise as if that stops the pain your words have caused? You need to know that what you say has consequences, that what you say can hurt and maim just as good as any spell! And that I don't hate you! I could never hate you! But I can't keep doing this Harry, I can't! I will be with you tomorrow, stand by you, make sure you get through it all alive but that's it! Once this is over, I…I can't…" She didn't say the words the explained what she had planned for her future, but he understood anyway - he always did.
"You're going to leave?" She looked at him and saw that instead of anger, there was sadness.
"Yes Harry, I am going to leave. I need to forget…"
"I can't loose you Hermione!"
"You already have." She watched as her words registered, any anger and strength he had deserting him. Stumbling, he made his way to a chair and sat wearily down.
"I've made such a mess of things," he whispered just loud enough for her to hear, "and I don't know how to fix it."
"Maybe you can't. You can't change the way you feel."
"But that's just it," he said standing again and returning to the darkening window, "I don't know how I feel. It's all so messed up. I'm so messed up."
"I want to help you Harry, I really do. But lately every time I let my guard down…"
"I kick you in the teeth. Yeah, I know."
"Why? Why are you pushing me away?"
"I don't know," Harry began, turning away from the window and looking at Hermione, "no, that's a lie. I do know, but…but it's hard to explain."
"Try me," she replied and sat down once more at one of the desks.
"You are the only person who understands me, really understands me," he sighed, wearily leaning on the window frame, "but it's only this year that I've realised that. Every time we went to get rid of another Horcrux, I saw how much I relied on you, how much you could tell what I was thinking, the point I was getting at, without me having to explain it. After the Ravenclaw Horcrux was destroyed, I realised that I didn't want you to be in danger anymore, that I had to protect you. That's when I started to get jealous about you and Ron. It was how I felt about Ginny and Dean, but worse - and I couldn't work out why." Hermione watched as Harry paused, his hands once again deep in his pockets as he stared at the ground, a frown creasing his brow. It was a few moments before he continued on.
"Every destroyed Horcrux meant the closer I come to facing him and the more scared I got. Everyone keeps telling me that I'll succeed because I have to, for them. But I really don't see how they could put so much faith in me. And it's when they do, when they tell me - it's like someone pushes a button inside of me and I explode."
Hermione quickly remembered the arguments she and Harry had had over the last few weeks and a realisation struck her.
"Like with me," she voiced her thoughts, making him look up at her, "each time we've rowed is when I've said that you will be alright. Actually, it's more than that - you shouted at me when I've said you'll been fine, and I've shouted at you when you've accused me of not caring. It seems we both have buttons to push."
"I should never have said those things to you," Harry said quietly, "I should never had made you feel that I don't care, because I do Hermione, I care a lot." She nodded silently, before standing and making her way over to the window.
"We're all scared Harry, every single one of us. Scared of loosing the ones we love, scared of not succeeding and unleashing Voldemort to the world and scared of what that world would be like. We have faith in you because we can see what you still refuse to - the strength, courage and love that is such a huge part of who you are," she paused and smiled at him, "which is why its so hard for me to understand that you don't recognise love because you're ready to sacrifice your life for the people you love and who love you." Harry looked at her confused.
"What do you mean?" he asked, his confusion in his voice, "I don't love anybody, I told you before. Ginny is just a friend now…"
"Oh Harry, there are more types of love than romantic love," Hermione smiled, also leaning against the wall by the window frame.
"There are?"
"Yes, there are," she replied, "platonic love for one…"
"Platonic love?"
"Love for your friends."
Her words hung in the air before Harry turned to look at the setting sun outside the window, frowning. Hermione mirrored him and turned to look out the window, hoping that he couldn't hear her heartbeat that was going a million miles an hour.
"How do you know the difference?" Harry asked after a while, looking back at her, "you said that you weren't in love with Ron - how did you know that what you felt for him wasn't love?"
"Because he doesn't understand me or is willing to try to understand me," Hermione began quietly, keeping her eyes determinedly staring out of the window, "and I don't understand how he can go through life the way that he does. Besides, he needs someone to look up to him, build him up. I can't do that. Luna can, she's perfect for him. And I do love him Harry, I'm just not in love with him." She glanced back at him briefly, giving him a small smile, before returning her gaze to the darkening view outside.
"Do…do you love me?" he asked ever so quietly.
"Of course I do Harry," Hermione replied, hoping she sounded casual enough, "though I haven't liked you much the past few weeks." Harry nodded in silent acceptance.
"Have you ever been in love?" his voice once again close to a whisper.
"Yes," was her reply, her eyes staring steadfastly out of the window. She hoped he couldn't see the blush that crept to her cheeks.
"What does it feel like?" Hermione didn't reply and instead thought about how it felt to be in love, and how she was in love with the man asking her the question.
"It's difficult to explain," she said tentatively, "I don't know if I can."
"Try. Please," he pleaded.
"He made me feel like I could conquer the world," she started, making sure she spoke in the past tense, "that together we could do anything. Sometimes he made me feel so special yet normal at the same time. When I looked at him, he understood - even if he didn't agree, or was angry, he still understood. I knew he cared, and he was sweet and kind of cute…"
"I wouldn't have called Viktor cute," Harry interrupted, "not to his face, anyway." She shot a look at him and he was smiling at her. Shocked, she turned back to the window.
"You…you are talking about Viktor, aren't you," he asked. Hermione didn't reply and kept staring out of the window, hoping he would drop the subject,
"I mean, it can't be Ron, because you said that you weren't in love with him. And Viktor was the only other guy you…"
"Please, can we not talk about this any more. I really don't want to have this conversation with you."
With an embarrassed flourish, she turned and went to a desk as far away from him as possible, still not looking at him, trying hard to control the mess of emotions that were fighting away inside of her.
"Were your feelings returned?" Harry asked, still standing by the window. Hermione shook her head 'no', releasing hot tears out of her closed eyes. Harry was silent for a while as she sobbed noiselessly.
"The thing is," he continued, "I understand you so well, Hermione." He paused and made his way towards her, sitting at a desk at her side, "is it…are you talking about…me?" Hermione answered with a large sob, trying desperately to stop her tears. Wiping furiously at her face, she tried to get herself together as he waited patiently at her side, seemingly trying to sort his own mind out.
"How long?" he asked finally.
"A long time," she whispered, "since the Triwizard Tournament, when you disappeared. I…I thought I'd lost you."
"Why didn't you say anything?"
"Because you fancied Cho, and then Ginny and there was just so much going on! I didn't want to risk loosing you as a friend."
"But you are going to leave," he questioned, "how could you leave?"
"You've been so cruel Harry," she said, finally looking at him, "and everything you said indicated that you didn't want me in your life, that I would never be any more to you than a friend. Sometimes I didn't even think you wanted that. It's been hurting so much that I decided that I need to start again and away from you."
"You can't leave…"
"Give me a reason to stay." They looked at each without speaking before Harry clumsily leant towards her from his chair and kissed her on the mouth. Hermione couldn't believe he had done what he just did and when he pulled away, she stared at him in shock.
"What…what was that?" she breathed.
"A pathetic attempt to get you to stay," Harry replied. Hermione found she couldn't speak and instead watched with wonder as he manoeuvred his chair around so he could face her, then he took her hands in his own.
"Hermione," he said seriously, "please give me another chance. I know I don't deserve it, I know you've already given me so many chances already, but I can't loose you. I don't know if what I feel for you is love, I really just don't know. But I do know that if you left, it would be like living half a life. I wouldn't be whole…"
"The thing is Harry, I've spent seven years of my life helping you, being there for you, giving up who I am for you," she whispered, not able to look into his eyes, "if I keep doing that, keep helping you, waiting for the day for you to say you love me, it may be another seven years. Or never. Part of me is saying to wait for you, to help you in every way that I can because in the end you will choose me. But another part is saying that you've never chosen me and that there is no guarantees that you will. I'm not sure whether I have the strength to find out. I've got to start thinking about me…"
"I'm choosing you now Hermione," Harry replied, tilting her face up so she had to look into his eyes, "knowing that you love me has given me a future because now I want to survive, I need to survive, so I can make it up with you. I want to give us a chance, I want to be with you. I want to learn to love with you Hermione."
She looked at him, his wonderful green eyes pleading to her - eyes that have seen so much hurt and pain, eyes that belonged to a man that would never be replaced in her heart. When she had made the decision to leave, she knew it wouldn't be to find new love - because no-one could come close to him, ever. It had been running away. She hadn't really wanted to and now she doesn't want to.
"I guess you've given me a reason," she said softly, smiling when he did. When they kissed the second time, there was no clumsiness, just magic.
Ron looked up from the game of chess he was playing with Remus when Dobby popped back into the Gryffindor common room.
"How were they?" he asked the house-elf tentatively.
"They seemed to be attacking each other Mr Wheezy," the little creature replied.
"Attacking each other?" Remus said worridly, "how?"
"By their mouths," Dobby replied, "they were sitting very close and seem to be joined by the mouth!" A smile crossed Ron's face as he realised what was going on - Remus just blushed.
"Oh, right then," he said, "we'll leave them to it then."
"Yep," Ron laughed, "we certainly will."