~A/N> I know, long time, no updates and I'm sorry. This is a follow up to my one-shot "The Breaking
Point" that you can find here: http://fanfiction.portkey.org/story/5192 To fully understand Harry's
character in this one you might want to read that one first if you haven't yet, but you don't need to read it
to understand this one. I am currently working on the new chapter for "The Light Within" every night, writing
a few paragraphs each night and I've written a new prophecy for it. I have about half of the final chapter for
"Nanny Wanted" written and the final chapter for "The Razor's Edge" two-thirds done. I am
working on my stories, it's just that I haven't been too into writing lately and I don't know why. I am
trying to get them done though, so please be patient with me.
Knock…knock…knock…
Laying on the bed in the Gryffindor boy's dormitory, Harry sighed heavily and put his right arm over his eyes. When the knocking persisted, he shouted, "Go away and leave me alone!"
The door opened anyway, the person obviously ignoring Harry's request and he listened as footsteps drew nearer to his bed. When the bed curtains were suddenly ripped open, Harry looked up to see his best mate, Ron Weasley, glaring down at him with a barely noticeable hint of sadness in his eyes. "What the bloody hell are you doing up here?" Ron asked, his body language matching the emotions in is eyes.
"What's it look like I'm doing?" Harry asked in a smartass tone of voice. "I'm trying to catch up on some of the three days sleep I lost during the fighting. The war's not over yet and I still have to face Voldemort. I'd like to do it well rested so I have an iota of a chance of surviving the first five minutes or so against him."
"You're being cheeky at a time like this?" Ron asked in disbelief. "If you'll remember correctly, I was there fighting right alongside you during those three days of lost sleep, but there are more important things than sleep to think about right now."
"Like what?" Harry asked in a forced innocent tone. He knew very well what Ron was referring to, but it was something that he couldn't think about because he couldn't deal with it right now. It hurt too much to let those thoughts creep into his mind and it wasn't a physical pain, it was mental and emotional, two of the worst kind. At least physical injuries would heal in time, with a little rest and medicine. There was no medicine that would take the pain he was feeling at the moment away…it was something that would stay with him for the rest of his life, embedded in his heart and soul. And even if there was a cure, he wouldn't let himself take it; he deserved the internal hell he was suffering and he would carry around that particular burden forever.
"You bloody well know what!" Ron yelled, startling Harry when he grabbed him by the front of his shirt and lifted him physically off the bed so that he was standing on the floor in front of him, his toes barely scraping against it. With his friend's shirt balled up in both his hands, Ron made it so that Harry was face-to-face with him and he growled, "She asks…no, cries…for you all the time. She keeps asking me if you're okay instead of focusing on her own recovery and you have the bullocks to ask `like what?'?!" Breathing heavily from his all-encompassing fury he said, "She actually asked me what she did to make you stay away, do you know that? She thinks that she didn't fight hard enough, that she disappointed you somehow by letting Voldemort capture her and that you're angry with her. Why haven't you gone to see her yet?"
"Maybe it's because I don't want to see her," Harry spat angrily, letting some of his internal agony out on his friend. Before he could say anything else Ron let go of his shirt so that he was standing on both feet and before he could move, a fist connected with his jaw. He lay for a moment where he had landed on the floor and let the physical pain overtake the emotional one for a moment before he sat up and rubbed the place on his jaw where Ron's fist had made contact. Standing up slowly and keeping his distance from his riled up friend he said, "Like I was saying, maybe I don't want to see her because when I do I'll be reminded again of how I let her down and I don't think that I can take that. I promised her that I would protect her Ron, that I wouldn't let Voldemort and his followers get to her, but they did. She gave herself to me, completely, and I took it with the promise that she would always be safe because I would die for her if I had to. But they got to her anyway and when we found her in that dungeon, hung from those shackles tortured and bleeding, I knew that it was because of me. They hurt her in those unspeakable ways for the simple fact that she dared to love me."
"She doesn't blame you," Ron said in a more subdued tone of voice. "She knew that she was putting herself into danger when she confessed to you how she felt."
"I BLAME ME!" Harry shouted, a note of self-loathing in his tone as he swiped angrily at the tears that had brightened his eyes. "Don't you get it? I was stupid and I let myself love her, I let her love me back, and that bastard used it against us so that he could try to kill me yet again! A few days of absolute happiness is not worth losing her forever Ron…I just can't risk it again."
Ron stared at the boy-who-lived that stood in front of him and mourned for the Harry that could have been. If the Dark Lord had just picked Neville instead of Harry his parents might still be alive and he wouldn't be so afraid of losing the ones he loved. Instead, he might know what unconditional love really was and his heart would override his brain so that he would know that Love triumphs over Evil every time. Harry had the very thing he needed to beat Voldemort, but first he had to defeat the fear that grew like a putrid fungus inside him so that he could see what lay in front of him…the two people who loved him most in the world, in much different ways of course.
Pulling out the ace up his sleeve Ron quietly said, "She's getting worse you know. Madam Pomfrey said that she's stopped fighting the lingering curses that course through her body and she's refusing to take any more potions. If she keeps up this way, she'll be dead by the end of the week."
Ron's words slammed into him so hard that he actually stumbled back a few steps. "S-She's letting herself die?"
"Yes," Ron answered quietly. "I've tried everything that I can think of to change her mind but nothing's worked. It's you she needs Harry, you're her cure, so why don't you get your head out of your arse and do something about it."
-*-
Harry quietly opened one of the doors to the sterile white room full of beds that he knew all too well thanks to many a Quidditch injury. Immediately he was spotted by Madam Pomfrey who bustled over to him with a stern look on her face. "Mr. Potter, where have you been? You should have come to see me immediately after the fighting stopped so that I could make sure you weren't hurt." Giving him a once-over with her eyes she said, "Well, it seems that you've come out of this one unscathed. I wish I could say the same thing about Miss Granger."
He met her stern gaze after that statement and asked, "How is she now? Has there been any improvement?"
"Maybe you should go see for yourself, Mr. Potter," the nurse replied bitingly.
Without another word, she turned to attend to another one of her patients that had been injured in the fighting and Harry tried to breathe normally. Ron had said that she wasn't doing well, but after Madam Pomfrey's lack of an answer, his worry magnified threefold. It seemed that once again, when he thought he was doing something to protect the ones he loved, it in fact made matters worse. He wondered if he would ever learn his lesson or would just continue to be moronic when it came to the subject.
Taking a deep breath, he looked toward the nurse again and watched as she pointed to a bed that was in a far corner of the ward, separate from the others. Nodding his head in thanks, he slowly started walking toward the isolated bed, his stomach roiling more and more with each footfall. Once there, he stood outside the drawn white curtain that afforded Hermione her privacy from the other patient's curious glances and pitying looks. Just as he had gathered the courage to part the curtains and step inside the cramped sanctuary Hermione asked, "Ron, is that you?"
Without answering, Harry walked through the part in the curtains and stopped immediately as he took in Hermione's appearance. He knew that she had gone through such atrocities that no human being, no matter how evil, should have to go through but he had not been prepared for the sight that greeted him. She lay on her back in the bed, dressed in what looked to be a white nightdress of some sort, with the crisp white sheets pulled up to her chest. Her eyes looked sunken, with dark circles under both, while her skin was a sickly white color. What struck him the most was her lips…the lips he had kissed over and over again while he declared his undying love for her. Once red, moist, and inviting, they now looked like two drawn grey lines that an artist had just slapped onto his subject simply to finish the painting quickly. Her beautiful smile was nowhere in sight, and neither were the laugh lines that always appeared when she smiled that dazzling smile that made his heart soar. Letting his eyes travel to her hair, he closed them immediately to shut out the image of it. Once a mousy brown color, curly and bushy at the same time, it now had a dead look to it. The highlights that once shone in the sunlight were long gone, replaced by a dull brown that lay limply on the pillow under her head, unlike the golden halo that always surrounded her head after they had just made love and lay in each other's arms declaring their love to one another.
Swallowing the lump that rose in his throat, he walked closer to her bed and sat in the chair that had been placed next to it, probably by Ron. "Hi Hermione."
"Harry?" she asked with a note of disbelief in her voice, as if she thought she might have been hallucinating. Reaching out, she touched her fingers to his hand that was resting upon one of his knees, reassuring herself that he was really there with her. "I've been hoping that you would come by to see me, I was worried about you."
Focused on how cold her fingers felt against his skin, he looked at her in horror, disbelief, and a touch of anger and asked, "Why would you worry about me? You were the one that Voldemort took, you were the one he put through unspeakable pain, but you worried about me?! I'm the reason you're like this in the first place, you should be concentrating on getting yourself better, not worrying about someone like me."
"What do you mean, `Someone like you'?" she asked with a note of irritation in her voice. After a moment of the two of them staring into the other's eyes she said, "Oh, I understand now. You're in full blown `woe is me' mode, aren't you? Blaming yourself for what's happened to me, telling yourself that if you'd never allowed yourself to love me that I wouldn't be laying here right now, possibly dying? Get over yourself Harry, not everything is about you, or your fault for that matter. I'm Muggleborn, he would have done this to me whether I was an acquaintance of yours or not. I'm impure in his eyes, not worth walking this Earth that he plans to use to create the perfect wizarding world. He would have gotten to me eventually; being Harry Potter's friend was just a bonus to him."
"So you're just my friend now, are you?" Harry replied, angry because she was so good at reading his thoughts and emotions. "And who are you to berate me? Look at you, letting yourself waste away to nothing just because…because…well, I don't even know why you're doing it."
She lay there for a few moments, pinning him with one of her soul-searching looks before she replied, "I've been in here now for five days Harry. The first two days I knew you were still fighting the Death Eaters and I was so afraid for you, but I still made myself concentrate on getting myself better so that I'd be healthy when you came back. Then the third day, Ron came in to let me know that you had returned to Hogwarts safely and every time the doors to the ward opened I knew it would be you, coming to see me. When Madam Pomfrey came around with sleeping draughts for everyone at ten that night I couldn't believe you hadn't come. Yesterday I lay here, talking with Ron about how you two came to rescue me from Voldemort, secretly watching every person that walked through those doors. This morning, when I woke up to see Ron sleeping in the chair next to me instead of you, I realized that you didn't care about me enough to come see me. I finally realized that all those words that you said to me were nothing but lies...I was a fool to believe you could actually love me, and care about me enough as more than your friend to open your heart to me unconditionally." Drawing in a shaky breath she continued, "Ron and I are only friends and he cared enough to sit by me while I slept. You said you loved me, we're lovers and friends, yet you couldn't be bothered to check in on someone you called your girlfriend? I've given you my heart, body, and soul Harry, and when I realized that you didn't feel about me the way I felt about you, I decided to just give up. I've always thought deep down inside that I would die if I ever lost you…I just didn't think I'd be losing you like this."
With grace and dignity, Hermione wiped the tears that had fallen down her cheeks away with her hands, looked him straight in the eyes and said, "Please just leave Harry."
"You want me to leave, just like that? After everything we've been through together, everything we've shared, you don't even want to be friends anymore?"
"Don't even try to put this on me!" she exclaimed, then started coughing violently. Not knowing what to do, he handed her a glass of water that sat on a table next to her bed and watched as she took a drink. "Thank you," she rasped, placing the glass back onto the table. Looking at him with soul-shattering sadness in her eyes she said, "This has nothing to do with me Harry. I thought that after what we shared at Grimmauld place, and all the times after, that you would open up your heart to me and let me in so that I could love you in return. But you're so afraid of losing the ones you love, you don't allow anyone into your heart and you're afraid of loving them back just because they might be gone one day. I've tried to understand Harry, I have, but I just can't take it anymore. After everything I've been through the past week I've realized that life is too short to take for granted, no matter how young we are, and I don't think I can take the uncertainty anymore." When she looked at him she saw a look of surprise, shock, and sadness all mixed into one and felt her heart constrict with a sense of loss and her love for him. "I'll still fight alongside you once I'm healthy again to help defeat Voldemort and after that, if I survive, I plan to start my life over…without you in it. I've realized that if you can go on so easily without me like you have this past week, not caring enough to visit me while I'm in Hospital, then you don't deserve my love anymore. I will heal, bodily anyways, and I'm sure that one day I might actually be able to give my heart over to another man. But I've made a decision Harry...I'm not going to let myself die just because you've broken me, I deserve better than that."
To emphasize that she had nothing more to say on the subject, Hermione took a vial from Madam Pomfrey, who Harry had been oblivious to during Hermione's breakup speech, and turned onto her side so that her back was to him. "I think it's time for you to leave Mr. Potter," the nurse said, placing a hand gently on his shoulder as she started to guide him out of the cubicle.
"B-But, she doesn't mean it!" Harry exclaimed, turning back toward Hermione. Breaking free from the nurses grasp, he knelt down on the floor in front of her while placing his hand on her hair and lightly running it lovingly over the strands. Her eyes were closed and when she didn't open them he said, "I know you're faking it Hermione, please open your eyes and look at me....please. You don't mean what you're saying...I know you still love me and...and, damn it, I still love you too! I'm sorry I hurt you but after I saw what Voldemort had done to you..."
She lay there motionless as Madam Pomfrey walked up behind him and grabbed his arm. Hauling him up to a standing position, she said, "Mr. Potter, I will not tell you again. It is time for you to leave. Miss Granger doesn't want you here any longer, and she doesn't need any more added stress. Now leave before I summon your head of house to deal with you."
Looking at her one last time, Harry yanked his arm out of the nurses grasp and stalked out of the Hospital Ward, slamming the door open and closed as he exited. With her usual 'tut-tut' of disapproval, Madam Pomfrey made her way to check on her other patients, not noticing the tears that were freely flowing down Hermione's face.
~*~
As Harry stalked down the corridors of Hogwarts every object along his path burst into a million little pieces from the powerful magical waves of energy that were radiating off of his body, becoming more and more powerful as his hurt and anger grew. Leaving a path of ruins behind him, he slammed through the front doors of Hogwarts, and when he was a few yards away from his beloved school he placed the tip of his wand to the damnable scar that had sealed his wretched fate at the age of one. Closing his eyes and concentrating on the horrid face of his life-long foe, he muttered, "Time to finish this." and vanished into thin air.
What seemed like a tick later Harry opened his eyes to find himself in Tom Riddle's family home. Letting his eyes adjust to the dim light of the room he was in, he kept his wand tip on his scar and said, "Point me." Feeling a pull in the general direction of the stairs, Harry crept quietly toward them and stepping on the first one swore as it let out a groan. Becoming as still as a statue, he waited to see if a hail of spells came at him, but it stayed eerily quiet, making him uneasy. Taking no chances, he pointed his wand at the staircase and whispered, "Silencio". Taking a step up onto the next one, he let out the breath he was holding as no noise emitted from the rotting wood. Continuing slowly up, Harry got to the top of the stairs and placed his wand on his scar once more, repeating the 'point me' spell. Turning in the direction he felt the pull from, he walked down a dusty hallway to a door at the very end and as he went to place his hand on the doorknob, the door swung open of it's own accord. The first thing Harry saw was Voldemort sitting in a chair that was in the middle of an otherwise empty room, his nemesis staring him down as he said, "Hello Harry. I'd ask to what I owe this honor, but seeing as I knew you were coming I'm sure you're here to foolishly try to kill me." At seeing a surprised look on the young man's face he said, "You didn't think you could use your scar, the dark scar that I myself placed on your forehead, as a tracking device to hunt me down without me knowing did you?" When Harry still stood there silent Voldemort said, "Tut, tut...I fear I've given you far too much credit over the years Harry."
"You mean the way everyone's feared you more than they should have over the years, Tom?" Harry asked with venom dripping from his voice. "You're nothing but a magical boogeyman that slinks out in the night to frighten poor little children and take away their parents."
"My, my, aren't we the brave one tonight?" Voldemort asked with a knowing gleam in his snake-like eyes. " Having a bad night Harry? It wouldn't have to do with your mudblood girlfriend, would it?"
"You shut up about her!" Harry yelled, pointing his wand at Voldemort, his green eyes ablaze with hatred and anger. "You've done enough to her, and to everyone else I care about. I came here tonight to finally eradicate your evil fucking existence, and I'm not leaving until I wipe you off the face of the Earth. So why don't you get your cowardly followers to come out of hiding so that I can kill them first and then end it with you."
"Such language, such courage. As for my followers, they're all gone. And as for it being the end for me...well, I'm afraid that you can't kill me Potter. We're connected, you and I, through that Dark Mark on your forehead. I might as well have branded you with the Dark Mark on your arm, they are one in the same. They both mean that the wearer is bound to me forever, so if I die, you'll die as well."
"You think I'm afraid to die?" Harry asked incredulously. "You're the one hellbent on making yourself immortal, yet you're trying to scare me with the idea of death after you've taken everything away from me? You're pathetic."
"I'd watch my tongue if I were you," Voldemort replied angrily. "You're ready to sacrifice yourself now, but I can tell you that death is not "but the next great adventure" as your crackbrained headmaster liked to spout." When Harry's face took on a slightly surprised expression the Dark Lord said, "You can't honestly believe that you're the only one he quoted his so-called wisdom to? He spewed his putrid knowledge to anyone who was foolish enough to look up to him. But not me, oh no, I was smart enough not to believe in his rhetorical nonsense. You see, Harry, death isn't the next great adventure, it's the end to everything you've ever known. I can't die because then I wouldn't be the Dark Lord that everyone fears, I would be the Dark Lord that the dreaded boy-who-lived defeated and I can't let that happen..not again."
"You don't have a choice," Harry spat, his fury rising at his enemies words. "You see, before you ordered the death of my "Foolish Headmaster", he taught me something very important. Something that had nothing to do with the horcruxes." Loving the look of surprise that now adorned Voldemort's face he added, "He taught me how to get rid of you indefinitely, even though it means I will die with you. I'm willing to sacrifice myself for love, just as my Mum did. But what about you? Are you willing to take that risk in the name of ultimate evil and world domination?"
After speaking that last word, Harry turned the tip of his wand to his lightening bolt-shaped scar once more and started to say a series of words that made up an extensive spell that Dumbledore had come up with. According to his former Headmaster, it was only guaranteed to work if he cast the spell through his scar, otherwise it would kill Harry before Voldemort without his mother's protection prolonging his life long enough for it to work. It was a life force eradicating spell, and no matter what he had done to fix it, it would still take the life of the person that cast it as well as the person it was being cast on. But Harry didn't care anymore because in truth he had nothing to go back to after this night. Hermione had made it clear that she would live, she would leave him, and that she would start her life over again without him in it. Even though he was stupid enough to still try and deny it in his mind, he knew that he loved her with all his heart and soul. Sure, there was another spell that he could try that might work, but why bother? He'd had eighteen hellacious years on this earth, and it was enough for him, especially if he couldn't return to her knowing they would share the rest of their lives together in happiness. He'd just be going back to a lonely life...he and Ron might possibly get a flat together, but Ron was more into sampling the life of notoriety, unlike him. He just wanted Hermione, and she had made it perfectly clear that she no longer wanted to be with him. To hell with 'Happily Ever After', it was time to get rid of this bastard standing in front of him so that his friends could live in peace for the rest of their lives and he could see his parents, Sirius, and beloved Headmaster again. He would finally be in a safe place with the one's he loved and who loved him back.
Saying the final word of the spell, a burst of white-blue light erupted from the tip of his wand into his scar, making it glow the same color. As the spell flowed through his body, he yelled out in pain as it started to feel like his soul was being ripped from his body. Forcing himself to open his eyes, he looked toward Voldemort and saw that he was aglow in the same colored light and his lipless mouth was open in what could only be a silent scream of agony. As the light surrounding Voldemort went from white-blue to a blinding white, Harry closed his eyes once more and he could see the flash of brilliant white light behind his eyelids and suddenly he was thrown across the room by a wave of pure magical energy. Even though his wand disconnected from his scar, the light still coursed through every nerve ending in his body, making it feel as if he were aflame from the inside out, internally combusting. The wave slammed him back into the wall behind him a fair ways away and the last thing he saw was Voldemort's wand, laying on the floor next to a pile of fine white ashes.
~*~
Harry groggily opened his eyes to see the figures of his parents, Sirius, and Dumbledore all standing above him, and he knew at once that he was dead. That could be the only explanation for what he was seeing at the moment. "We're so glad you're finally awake," his Mother said in a quiet, airy voice.
"You had us worried Harry," his Dad said, smiling down at him. "We weren't sure you'd make it through."
"Make it through? Y-You mean I'm not dead?" he asked, surprised.
"No, you are very much alive," Dumbledore said. "We were watching the entire scene play out and the only explanation I can give for you still being alive is that it was the love of your Mother and your love for Miss Granger that saved you. It built a shield of protection around your heart and soul, therefore protecting your life force from being drained away as Voldemort's was."
"But Hermione doesn't love me anymore," Harry replied, his eyes downcast as he said it. "She told me so right before I came here to destroy Voldemort. That's why I was willing to die to get rid of him...I have nothing left to go back to now. I don't know what I'll do."
"You'll go back to her," his Mother said with such adamance that he lifted his gaze to her face. "I know you're young Harry, but do you really believe she can just make herself stop loving you that quickly?"
"Your Mother's right Harry," Sirius said, smiling down at him also. "Women are fickle, confusing creatures that us men, wizard or muggleborn, will never understand. They change their minds more than they change their clothes, and even though she said that she didn't love or want to be with you anymore, deep down in your heart I think you know she was lying." With an angry glance from Lily, Sirius said, "What? I'm only telling him the truth. It's not my fault that you don't like it."
Unable to suppress the smile playing at his lips, Harry let it through and watched as Sirius and his Mum bantered back and forth about how Sirius wouldn't have a clue about what a woman wants or feels. With his Dad stepping in to stop the argument, he looked down at his son with pride shining in his eyes and said, "Just go back to her Harry, and believe us when we say that she needs you, now more than ever."
His Mum and Dad each put a vapor-like hand on his shoulders and he swore he could feel their touch on his skin. Sirius reached out and ruffled Harry's hair affectionately before saying, "We have to get going, and you have some unfinished business to take care of." Harry watched as his Godfather winked at him while wearing his trademark Marauder's smirk and then turned to walk away, disappearing into thin air.
Turning to his Mum and Dad he said, "But I don't know what to say...or what to do? She all but told me to get lost, how am I supposed to talk her into being with me again...to risk loving me again?"
"You'll find a way," his Dad said knowingly. "I know you haven't had many people love you throughout your life Harry, and your Mother and I feel terrible about the way your aunt, uncle, and cousin treated you. But tomorrow is a brand new day, a new beginning to your life. Neither of you may want to admit it, but you need each other. She's your soul mate Harry, and neither of you will be happy without the other, no matter how hard you try to convince yourselves otherwise."
"Fathers always know best, Harry," Dumbledore added with a twinkle in his eyes that Harry hadn't realized he'd missed until that moment. "You have fulfilled your destiny, now it is time to live your life like any other normal wizard. And what is life without love?"
"Nothing, I suppose," Harry replied, remembering how hollow and dead he had felt inside after Hermione had told him to leave. With a quick nod of his head he looked from his former Headmaster to his beloved parents and said, "You're right. I know what I need to do now."
"We knew you would," his Mother replied, with a proud smile and shining eyes. Bending down to plant a phantom kiss on his forehead she said, "No matter what, Harry, we will always be with you, watching over you. And never forget how much we love you darling."
"I won't Mum," Harry replied.
"We are very proud of you son," his Dad added with pride obvious in his voice.
"And if you ever need guidance, you can always come visit my portrait in Headmistress McGonagall's office," Dumbledore said. "I will do my best to help you in any way possible."
"Thank you sir," Harry said, suddenly sad that he would not be going with his family, Sirius and Dumbledore.
"It is not yet your time," Dumbledore added, surprising him yet again with his ability to know what he was thinking. "You will see us all again one day, but for now, it is time to live your life to the fullest. You, of all people, have earned it" And with a smile and a twinkle in his eye, Dumbledore turned and vanished much the same way Sirius had.
"We should go as well," his Mother said hesitantly, looking sadly toward his Father.
"Yes, we should," James agreed, smiling lovingly down at her. Looking at the full grown man that his son had become, he said, "Now is your time to live, son. Now go, talk to Hermione and tell her how you feel...but this time, be sure to tell her everything."
"I will," Harry answered, feeling happy, sad, scared, and nervous all at once.
"We love you," his mom said, as she and his Dad turned to leave.
"I love you too," he replied, realizing that it was the first time he'd ever been able to say those words to his own parents.
~*~
Apparating outside the gates of his beloved school and first real home, Harry opened the damaged gates with a simple flick of his wand and made his way up the path to the front doors. He took in all the damage that Hogwarts had sustained during the fighting and shook his head sadly. He would have to see what he could do to help repair it, along with all the damaged protection wards, once he healed properly from what he had just experienced.
Walking through the front doors and into the entry hall, Harry made his way through the abandoned school, save for the Hospital Ward and Headmistress office. Making his way once more to the Hospital Ward, Harry walked through the doors and made his way to Hermione's bed, ignoring the calls of Madam Pomfrey to stop where he was. Pushing through the curtains he took in the sight before him and felt his blood boil while all of his previous plans flew from his mind. There was Hermione, laying on her left side in bed while Ron sat in the chair next to her, holding her hand in one of his while wiping the tears from her cheek with his other. They had been talking quietly to each other and when they noticed him standing there they both became quiet immediately. "Don't you two look cozy?' he asked, immediately hating the note of jealousy he could hear in his own voice. Ignoring their questioning and shocked looks, he walked up to Ron and handed him what he had carried the entire way.
Looking down at the wand that Harry had placed in his hand Ron asked, "What's this?"
"Is that...?" Hermione started to ask, only to be cut off by Harry.
"That is Voldemort's wand," he replied, trying to sound nonchalant. "I just got back from the old Riddle house, where I got rid of him once and for all. You two can live in peace now...hell, you can even live with each other and have your 'happily ever after'." And with that, he left his two best friends gaping at him in shock and surprise as he made his way out of the curtained area, letting Madam Pomfrey steer him to his own bed where she could check him over, with the stipulation that no one be let in to see him.
~*~
A week later, Harry woke up late in the afternoon, his body still recovering from the spell he had cast to defeat Voldemort. After hearing what had taken place, Headmistress McGonagall had given him permission to stay at Hogwarts until he could find a flat of his own. He had found one, but it wouldn't be ready for three more days, so he was stuck in Gryffindor Tower. Ron was also staying with him in the dorm since repairs were still being done on the Burrow. A part of him felt as if Ron was sticking around for his benefit, especially after Ron explained to him that there was absolutely nothing going on between him and Hermione, but every time he asked why Ron wasn't going home he just kept getting the same excuse and he finally stopped asking. His friend also found it necessary to keep him up-to-date on Hermione's progress, which had become steadily better since the day he had handed the wand over to Ron. He knew that his mate was just trying to help his friends get back together, but Harry really just wished he'd stop talking about her. It hurt to think about her. It was a physical ache that nothing seemed to get rid of, not even flying on his broom on the Quidditch Pitch with his best mate. Flying had always made him feel better, but this time it didn't do anything to help eradicate the need he felt in his heart for her. He kept having dreams about her, about the times they'd spent together, making love to each other, and he wanted so badly just to be able to hold her again...to give her a hug even. But she had made herself clear, she wanted nothing to do with him anymore...he was not to be a part of her life. So in three days, he would move into his new flat with Ron as a flatmate and hopefully start his life anew, and he supposed that Hermione would start on her new life out on her own.
"It's about time you woke up," Hermione said as he sat up in bed, startling him. Surprised to see her sitting on the bed opposite his, dressed in everyday clothing, he reached for his blanket and sheet so that he could cover himself. He had slept in only his boxer shorts since it was summer and the castle had been so hot all night long lately. When she saw his shy movements she said, "It's not anything I haven't seen before you know." Was she actually teasing him?
"Yes, but according to you, you never wanted to see me...any part of me...again," he shot back, not even making an attempt at niceties. He felt a short thrill of victory when the fake smile on her face wavered for a tick, but then it was right back in place again, to his dismay.
When he sat on his bed facing her, pinning her with his intense green stare, the smile disappeared completely and breaking eye contact with him she said, "I didn't mean what I said Harry. It...I...it's just that..."
"Wow. Never thought I'd see the day when Hermione Granger was at a loss for words," Harry said nastily. He knew he was being a prat, but he didn't care. She had hurt him, more than he cared to admit, and he'd be damned if he would try to hide that hurt from her. Taking it out on her with his anger helped to make him feel a little better too.
"Well, I guess I wasted my time thinking that I could come here and talk to you without you acting like a git," she snapped, her patience gone. "I just wanted to explain to you why I said the things I said that day, but you obviously don't want to talk to or see me for that matter, so I'll just go."
He watched her carefully stand and slowly start walking toward the door, his heart screaming at him to stop her as his mind was telling him he was better off without her. Just as she put her hand on the door handle he called out, "Hermione, wait...please don't leave."
She stood very still for a moment, and then to his relief she turned and walked toward him again. Gently sitting on the bed opposite him once more, she sat looking at him until he said, "I-I'm sorry. You said you came to...explain?"
"Yes, I did," she replied quietly, almost timidly, which surprised him because his Hermione was never timid. He sat watching her as she fidgeted a bit before saying, "Like I tried to say before, I didn't mean those terrible things that I said in Hospital. I was hurt when you didn't come to see me, and that day when you just walked into the Ward, you acted so...so...unlike you. You were back to the Harry that haunted the halls of Grimmauld Place at night and hid in his room during the day. When I saw that blank look in your eyes, I knew you had turned your emotions off, and I knew what that meant. So, I said what I said more to protect myself. But I never imagined that you'd go to face off with Voldemort right away...what were you thinking?
"I was thinking that you had just ripped my heart out of my chest," Harry replied honestly, locking his eyes to hers, letting all his emotions show in their emerald depths. "I know what an arse I was after I came back from fighting, but when Ron and I found you in that dungeon...hanging there the way you were...something in me just snapped. He did that to you because of me." When Hermione went to contradict him, he put a hand up to stop her from saying anything. "He admitted he took you because I loved you, and you dared to love me back. He all but said so before I destroyed him."
"So how'd you do it?" she asked. He sat there looking at her, quiet for a time, and she knew before he even uttered a word. "You didn't?"
"I did," he said, confirming her worst fears. "I used Dumbledore's Life Force Eradicating spell, exactly the way he said I should do it."
"Through your scar?" she asked, appalled. "You knew that would kill you Harry, how...I mean why? Why would you use a spell that was certain suicide?"
"Because I didn't have you anymore."
Those six words slammed into her with a force she had never felt before. It was hard to draw a breath with the way her heart had constricted, and once she was able to breathe normally again and felt it safe to speak she said, "I-If you used Dumbledore's spell, how is it that you lived?"
"I don't know," he replied honestly. "I was knocked unconscious and when I came around I was surrounded by my parents, Sirius, and Dumbledore. My Mum, Dad, and Sirius made me see that life was worth living, and that I could always try to get you back. Dumbledore explained that it was my Mother's love, and my love for you that helped to save me. Plus the fact that I was ready to make the ultimate sacrifice so that everyone could finally live in peace." When Hermione sat silent, taking it all in, he studied her beautiful face and saw that she looked exactly as she had before Voldemort had taken her. He was sure there were emotional wounds that would never heal, much like his own, but Hermione was like him in so many ways. She would hide them just like he did, but the fact that she had them at all broke his heart a little. "He said that I had fulfilled my destiny, and that now it was time to live my life like any other normal wizard...and what is life without love?"
Their eyes connected and he found himself standing up and walking toward her, his legs moving of their own accord, completely forgetting the fact that he was wearing only his boxers. Reaching up slowly, he cupped her cheek with his hand and lightly rubbed his thumb across her smooth skin. She closed her eyes at the feel of his touch...a touch she hadn't felt in so very long, and reveled in the tingles it sent through her skin. Caving completely, Harry bent forward and placed his forehead against hers and whispered, "I love you Hermione."
She opened her eyes and gently rubbed his nose with hers, a very private thing that the two of them shared.."I love you too Harry...I lied when I said that I could go on with my life without you. This past week has been awful, and Ron kept giving me updates on you when I really didn't want them..."
She trailed off when she felt his body shaking and when she pulled her face back a little from his, she saw that he was laughing. "What's so funny?" she asked.
"He kept giving me updates on you too, when I really didn't want them either," he replied, still laughing. "I think Ron was trying to play peacemaker between us."
"He probably was," she replied with a smile, but her expression turned to one of seriousness again. "That day, when you brought in Voldemort's wand, you do know that there was nothing going on between Ron and I, right?"
"I realized it later on," he replied. "I felt like a fool, treating the two of you like that. It had been such a hellacious day, and I had just been through the battle of my life. When I saw you holding his hand that way and talking in an intimate manner, my mind just went to the worst possible reason for your behavior and I foolishly let myself believe it. I'm sorry for that too."
"I forgive you Harry," she said, placing her hands on each side of his face, her love for him shining in her eyes. "But you have to know, you and I won't be able to be together again until you forgive yourself."
He stood up straight, narrowing his eyes at her, and asked, "Forgive myself?"
When he went to take a step away from her, she caught his arms and said, "Please, don't pull away from me. You've been blaming yourself for everything that's happened to all the innocent witches, wizards, and muggles that have been hurt or killed since you found out who you really were. You've taken every death caused by Voldemort and his Death Eaters personally Harry, and until you realize that all those deaths weren't your fault, you'll never be able to live your life in peace, and be truly happy." When he stood completely still, standing right in front of her again, he just stared at her with that damn blank look that he was so good at using as his mask...the one he used to hide behind when the conversation turned to something he didn't want to talk about. "You have to quit blaming yourself for...for m-me."
Harry looked at her like she was the barmiest person on the face of the Earth. "You expect me not to blame myself for the fact that Death Eater took you right from my side that day?" he asked, getting angry. "I swore that I would keep you safe Hermione, I promised that I would die before I let Voldemort or his Death Eaters get near you. And he took you so easily...from right beside me-I...how can I forgive myself for letting that happen?"
"Because you didn't let it happen," she replied. "The Death Eater that took me didn't cast that spell Harry...I did."
"What?!" he yelled, causing her to jump. "What do you mean you cast that spell? You let them take you?'
"Yes," she replied, as if it was the simplest thing to understand. "You're the one they were going after."
"So you let them take you instead?!"
"I wasn't going to let them take you Harry, you were the one that was destined to destroy Voldemort, and I knew that. You're a great wizard, and I wasn't going to let them hand you over to Voldemort like a sheep to slaughter and damn the entire world to hell on earth. I'm just a girl, a muggleborn witch that just happened to fall in love with the most powerful wizard in the world. I knew if the day ever came where it became a choice of sacrificing yourself for me, you would have given yourself over immediately. And I did the same thing, I let them take me to save you so that you could save everyone else. I didn't mean a thing to this world Harry, it was you...you were the one that was born to save it."
"You had no right to do that!" Harry shouted. "Do you know how worried Ron was? How scared out of my mind I was? I couldn't sleep because Voldemort kept sending me little bits and pieces in visions of the horrors they were putting you through." At her look of surprise he gave a mirthless laugh and said, "You played right into his hands, all because you were foolish enough to love me, and you gave him the perfect way to torture me into madness!"
Next thing he knew, Hermione's hand was connecting with his cheek in a very painful slap as she tearfully said, "I sacrificed myself for you...how dare you call me foolish for loving you! If it were reversed, if you were the one taken instead, you would have found no fault in your actions. But I'm 'foolish'? How dare you?!"
He watched her storm out of the room, furious and unsure what he should do. Spotting a pair of his jeans nearby, he quickly put them on and ran out the door after her, grabbing her arm to stop her from going down the stairs to the Common Room as he asked, "And where do you think you're going?"
"Anywhere you're not," she replied, as Ron came walking up the stairs toward them.
"Hey guys...uh-what's going on?" he asked.
"Nothing," Hermione said, struggling to get out of Harry's grasp.
"Like hell nothing," Harry replied furiously. "She just admitted to me that she let herself be taken by that Death Eater because she saw them coming after me."
"You what?" Ron asked in surprise. "Why would you do that?"
"Like I told this stubborn arse, I did it because I love him," she said defiantly. Looking from Harry to Ron, who's face was turning red with embarrassment, she said, "Just let me go Harry, so that you can go back to your sulking and self-pity."
"No!" Harry yelled, making both Hermione and Ron jump this time. Taking a deep, calming breath he asked, "J-Just...I know you're angry with me right now and I need to do some thinking. Will you please meet me in my room at eight tonight?"
A minute of silence went by before Hermione looked at him stubbornly and curtly said, "Yes." Letting her go, he and Ron watched as she made her way down the stairs, not once turning back to look at either of them.
"Blimey mate, you've one hell of a job ahead of you," Ron said, as he walked past Harry and went into their room.
"Don't I know it," Harry replied aloud to himself as he watched her bushy mane of hair disappear out the portrait hole.
~*~
Later that night, at eight o'clock sharp, there was a faint rapping on the door of the boys dormitory. Taking a deep breath, Harry waved his hand toward the door and watched as it slowly opened on it's own. Hermione, standing on the other side, was dressed in a beautiful blue dress that Harry had never seen before. "You look beautiful," he said immediately.
"Thank you," she replied with a shy smile as she walked up to him. "How did you open the door without your wand?"
"It seems that my magic has gotten stronger since I defeated Voldemort," he answered, staring at her beautiful face. "It's been little things this past week, like the fact that all I have to do is put my hand out palm up to have my glasses come to me, and other odd sorts of things that I needed a wand to do before."
"Have you told anyone?" Hermione asked curiously.
"Just you, and you're really the only one I want to know," he replied. "But that's not why I asked you here tonight. Would you join me for dinner?"
Hermione looked around the dorm for the first time since she walked in and realized that all the beds were gone, save Harry and Ron's. Those two had been moved to the farthest wall of the circular room and a small table had been set up by the window, covered with a variety of delectable foods. With only candles and moonlight illuminating the room, Hermione couldn't help but feel the romance that Harry had obviously been trying to convey. Motioning toward the table, Harry walked next to her and held her chair out for her like any gentleman would. When he sat in his chair across from her, she smiled at him and said, "This all looks so wonderful."
"Thank you. Believe it or not, I made this myself. I've been down in the kitchen since you left this afternoon," he explained. "The house elves didn't appreciate it very much, but I managed to keep them out long enough to prepare all of it myself." When Hermione looked at him with one eyebrow raised he said, "I had to bribe Dobby with all my old socks to keep the other house elves away, but it was well worth it."
Hermione laughed, a laugh that came from deep inside, and Harry felt a wide smile spread across his face. It was so good to see her smiling and laughing again. "Well, I guess we should eat while it's still warm."
The two of them began putting food on their plates and ate in comfortable silence, enjoying their first relaxing moment together in a long time. While they ate, Harry looked over at her and said, "I thought about what you said today, about me forgiving myself." Hermione's hand, which held a fork full of food, stilled halfway to her mouth as she looked at him expectantly. "It's hard for me to admit, but you were right. I do blame myself for everything bad that Voldemort and his followers have ever done to all the innocent people they hurt or killed. I can't explain why...I mean, I was just a baby the first time Voldemort tried to kill me, and he had been destroying people's lives long before I was born. It's just that, after I came to Hogwarts my first year and saw how everyone looked at me, how they expected me to be their savior, I realized just what it was that I would have to do. And then after hearing the prophecy our fifth year...that's when I started to really blame myself for every horrible thing Voldemort did. I felt as if I should be able to do something...anything...to stop him. But magically I wasn't strong enough, and nowhere near ready to fight him. The blame, anger and guilt just kept building until I was consumed by it and let it take over all my other emotions. I knew that I thought of you as more than just a friend, but there was no way that I was going to risk admitting that to you and putting you in harm's way. I knew if you were ever hurt, or worse killed, by Voldemort's hand that it would drive me over the edge. And I was right. But after you were taken and I got you back alive, I swore to myself that I would not go near you again until he was gone forever, and you telling me that you didn't want to be with me any more only added to it. I suppose that's what it took to unlock what Dumbledore said was the "Magic he knows not"...love that would withstand anything, even going to hell and back for the one you love, even if they don't love you anymore...and that's what gave me the power to defeat him once and for all."
Taking a deep breath, he continued, "Today, when you said that I would need to forgive myself, I didn't think that would ever be possible. But after thinking over everything you had said and everything that Dumbledore, Sirius, and my parents had told me in the Riddle house while I prepared dinner, I realized that you were right. It will take some time, of course, but I know that with your support and love I'll be able to do it eventually."
Hermione's eyes shone with tears of pride and love as she gazed into his eyes and said, "Of course I'll help you Harry, I'll do whatever I can. You deserve to live the rest of your life as a normal wizard, just like everyone else."
Hermione sniffled and Harry handed her his napkin so that she could dab her eyes. "Okay, now that we've discussed that, let's enjoy the rest of our dinner. I worked hard on this you know, and did I mention the ticked off house elves?"
"Yes, I think you did," Hermione replied, laughing and lightening the mood so that they could enjoy the rest of their meal.
Once they were finished with the main course, Harry cleared the table with another wave of his hand (causing Hermione's eyes to widen a bit for that took a fair bit of magic to do) and then dessert appeared before them. When Hermione looked down to see what it was she gasped and looked across the table at him with a surprised look on her face.
"What's the matter?" he asked cheekily, enjoying her reaction. "I thought you enjoyed trifle? I heard you say once that it was your favorite dessert."
"I-It is," Hermione replied, "But there seems to be an extra decoration on the top of it."
"Oh, really?" Harry asked, playing along. "Maybe one of the house elves was more angry at me for taking over their kitchen than I thought and wanted to get back at me?"
"Harry, you know very well what I'm talking about," Hermione huffed, and he knew he had taken the gag far enough.
Getting up from his chair and making his way to stand next to her, he reached down, gently took the ring from the top of the slice of trifle and wiped the bit of whipped creme off that had stuck to the bottom of it. Kneeling down on his right knee, he took her left hand in his while he held up the one karat ice blue diamond ring in his right and asked, "Hermione, I knew that I loved you years ago, and I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you as I lay in bed next to you after we made love for the first time. You took over my thoughts from that first day on the train, you overtook my heart the first time you threw yourself in front of me to protect me in our third year, and you stole my soul when you confronted me in Grimmauld Place when no one else dared. You make me feel like I can do anything as long as you're by my side and being without you this past week has made me feel like half of me was missing. You are my soul mate and I want to spend the rest of my life with you...will you marry me?"
Hermione sat completely still, taking in every word that he said as her bottom lip started to quiver. She could see the vulnerability and fear of her saying no in his eyes and her heart warmed with her love for him. When he stayed kneeling in front of her, waiting for her answer, she replied, "You just said everything that I've wanted to say for the longest time, and I've felt the same way this past week. I felt so empty inside and I would be in my room reading a book and the next thing I knew I would be standing in front of your dorm room door, arguing with myself as to whether I should knock or not. I felt so incomplete without you, and I hated myself for being so weak and afraid that you would push me away again. W-When Voldemort had me, you were the only thing I could think about. I kept wondering if you would find me, worrying that you would get yourself killed just to rescue me, and I swore to myself that if I got out of there alive that I would never let a day go by without telling you how much I love you. And then when everything happened after I got back to Hogwarts...it hurt so much inside to think you didn't return my love. I don't know exactly how to explain it, but I swear that my soul physically hurt with the loss of your love. I only feel like a whole person when I'm with you and I would love to spend the rest of my life with you."
"So that's a yes?" Harry asked expectantly, his green eyes sparkling with hope.
"That's a yes...I will marry you."
Harry smiled while sliding the ring carefully onto her finger and before she could stand he picked her up in his arms and spun her around the room while they both laughed. When he started to feel dizzy he stopped and placed her down so that she was standing. Wrapping his arms around her waist, he kissed her like he never had before. He had always held back when they kissed, afraid to give all of himself for fear of being hurt, but now he put all of his love for her into it and he had never felt so happy before in his entire life.
Hermione could feel the difference in his kiss and felt herself melt inside. She had always felt like he was holding back before whenever they kissed or made love, but this kiss was full of hope, love, and promise-the promise that they would spend eternity together in peace and finally be able to share their true selves with one another every day for the rest of their lives.
Pulling apart and breaking the dizzying kiss, Harry ran his hands lightly over the exposed skin of her back which caused a shiver of anticipation to run through her as he asked, "So would two days from today be too soon for our wedding?"
"Well, you were pretty sure I was going to say yes, weren't you?" she asked, teasing him. When he brought his hands from her back to her sides and tickled her, she shoved his hands away while laughing and said, "It sounds perfect."
"Good." Taking two steps toward her so that there was barely a whisper of space between them he said seductively, "Now, as for dessert..."
"Yes, that trifle does look good," she replied with a sly smile, trying not to laugh as one of his eyebrows raised in question.
"That's not the dessert I was talking about."
With a sexy little laugh she said, "I know that, I was just yanking your...chain." Taking hold of his hands, she turned around and started to walk backwards toward his bed, pulling him along with her. "I don't think it would be appropriate to partake in that particular dessert at the table, do you?"
"No, but you never know, it could be fun," he replied, laughing as she turned him around and pushed him down onto his back on the bed.
"You've been hanging around Ron too much," she said while positioning herself so that she was straddling his waist, both of them still fully clothed.
"Yes I have, and he's more depraved then I am, believe me," he replied, placing his hands on her waist.
"No more talking about Ron," she said, leaning down with a hungry look in her eyes that made him hard instantly, "I want my dessert."
"I am all yours," he answered just before she claimed his lips in a mind-blowing kiss, both of them well on their way to their brand new life together.