Memories of What Might Have Been

 

Disclaimer:      I don't own it.

 

A/N: Okay, I am really sorry it has taken me so long, but my brain just was not cooperating with me this summer. I have slowly started to write again.

This is another setup chapter, I realized that it would be best to include another one like this instead of placing this dialogue sporadically through the other chapters.

 

Title:              Awakening

 

Rating:           PG13

 

Pairings:        HHR

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"I am sure that you have quite a few questions about what has been happening. I am not sure how much you will remember." Remus started as he sat down on one of the only chairs in the room and motioned for Harry to do the same.

"Right now I only remember the beginning of things, but even now I get flashes of memories. It is a truly weird feeling, when I finally killed that bastard I felt like I had opened up a dam of emotions."

"I can understand why Harry, it has been over two years since we cast the charm, I am just happy that I survived to be here for you."

"Remus, you don't know how much what you did means to me. I know that you have had to watch me fumble through the last few years without being able to truly guide me. How did you keep sane?"

"Believe me, it wasn't easy, in fact there were a few times when. . ."

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   "Albus, you cannot ask me to do that."

   "Remus you are the only one that I know that can pull this off." Albus Dumbledore was sitting behind his office desk and was mindlessly playing with one of his many silver instruments as he tried to placate his lycan friend. "I can understand if you fear for your life, but we are all making sacrifices my old friend."

   "That is not what I am talking about, I. . .I. . .cannot talk about it, but believe me, my concerns are much more serious than life and death."

   Dumbledore cocked his eyebrow and regarded his friend. "Remus is there something going on that I have not been privy to?"

   "Albus, I could not answer that question even if I wanted to." The werewolf replied with a smirk.

   "If I did not know any better, I would assume that you enjoy knowing something that I do not." Albus was clearly enjoying trying to garner as much information as possible from the man sitting across from him.

   Remus smiled at the old man, even though he was not too happy with the secrets he had to keep, it was always fun holding something over his former headmaster's head. "As much as I do enjoy this, I still have to request that I be placed on an assignment closer to the school." Even as he finished, he could feel the spell reacting, so as to protect the secret he kept.

   "So, this must pertain to either one of my students or one of my professors. Very intriguing, shall a run down a list of those who could be your charge?"

For as much enjoyment as this discussion was, Remus was finding himself getting more agitated as the conversation steered closer to the truth. He thought perhaps that it had to do with the charm, but he was slowly losing his composure.

   "I must admit that I can sense a change in your temperament Remus, have I perhaps hit too close to home?" Dumbledore had a gleam in his eye, but one looking close enough could see that he was getting very concerned for his friend.

   "Albus, I request that you refrain from using Legillimency to try and figure this out, it could prove detrimental to both of us." Remus replied through gritted teeth.

At this point Remus had begun to realize the possible error he made when agreeing to help Harry out. He had read about the effects of the Fidelius charm, and how its intensity seemed to increase exponentially if the subject is put under constant duress, but what he failed to realize was that his lycan instinct to protect himself would kick in. He began to feel the primal urge to attack that which was causing him pain, but since the culprit was himself he would settle for the nearest warm body, and Albus certainly fit that bill.

   "I apologize Albus, but I must leave immediately, we will continue this discussion later." He stated as he turned on his heel and strode out the door.

As Dumbledore sat behind his desk and silently categorized this encounter for later contemplation he heard a scream from the bottom of the stairs leading up to his office. He immediately jumped up and with the speed of a golden snitch ran down the stone steps.

The sight that he took in was quite disturbing. Huddled in a ball at the bottom of the stairs were two figures, one with hair that reminded him of the gold used to illuminate the sign for the muggle restaurant McDonald's and the other figure appeared to not have shaven in a few months. Of course, the fact that he had just seen Remus as completely human caused him to wonder one more time what had happened upstairs. As he continued to stare, the smaller figure cradled the head of the larger in her lap and was gently stroking his face.

   "Albus, what in the hell happened up there? It is not even close to the full moon. I saw Remus running down the stairs and he looked like he was changing. He saw me and there was a feral look in his eyes, so I stunned him." Tonks explained nervously as she continued her ministrations.

   "Alas, Nymphodora, I do not know exactly, but I feel Remus has some secrets that he must protect. Unfortunately, it seems that his body is reacting poorly to something."

   "Could he have been cursed, do we have an infiltrator in our midst?"

   "No, I have a feeling Remus was well aware of what was cast on him, but its effects seem to have caught him off guard."

   "Why would he cast a spell on himself, without knowing the consequences?"

   "Perhaps because he is trying to help someone. If you will please excuse me, I need to do some research on this, please take care of him for me."

   "You know I will Albus."

As Dumbledore walked away, Remus slowly opened his eyes and looked into the concerned face of the witch holding him. He slowly whispered, "Tonks. . . pl. . .ease for. . . give me." With that being said he fainted as his body continued to fight the effects of the curse.

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"Tonks has helped me out more than you can know. Although there were times she was ready to kill me, before she figured out what was going on." As Harry's expression showed concerned shock Remus he continued. "No Harry, she does not know specifics, but she is a smart witch, she knows something is up."

"But she didn't know who it was right?" Harry asked, hoping that his secret was still safe.

"I am sorry to say that I think most people who know you two had it pretty much pegged, with the exception of a couple of red heads. Harry even while under the charm it was obvious what was happening. Of course, neither of you acted on your feelings, but we could all see it."

"What do you mean, either of us? She couldn't feel that way?" Harry's heart started to drop from the true consequences of his actions.

"Harry, do you not remember those times, well of course you might not yet, but when you do remember what happened over the last few years. Man, I was wondering if she was just going give in and jump you one day." Remus almost laughed at the memory of that night at Grimmauld, but seeing Harry's face he decided it best to save the reminiscing for later.

"Harry, you have to remember that I am a werewolf, and as such my olfactory senses are more acute than humans. I could smell the attraction between you two even with the charm. We cannot deny our human needs Harry, our bodies will respond certain ways, even if we will them not too. Believe me when I say that she feels the same way about you as you do for her."

"Remus, she is going to hate me for this. I played with her emotions, I forced her out of my heart."

"Do you not listen to what I say Harry, you could not remove that emotion, you only deadened the sensation a bit. Ask yourself why things never went that far with Ms. Weasley. Forgive me for saying, but there were times that she was almost willing you to take her clothes off, and that was even after you two supposedly broke up. Deep down, you knew where your heart truly led you, and you would not let anything come between that."

"But what if she won't forgive me, what if she won't ever talk to me again, I need her to forgive me."

Just as Harry finished the sentence a memory forced itself into his consciousness. He almost fell over due to the intensity of the emotion, but he managed to stand his ground.

"Remus, I think I really screwed things up." He stated flatly, after he regained his bearings on his decrepit surroundings.

"Harry, you did what you had to do to protect her, and as much as I am sure she will be upset when she finds out, she will come to understand in time."

"That is not what I meant Remus, I think she may already know. The night before you cast the charm. . ."

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As Harry sat in his bedroom at Privet Drive, he realized that tomorrow would be the end of a stage in his life. The decision he made to erase his feelings was made for the right reasons, but there would be only one person around who ever knew that. It scared him to think that if something happened to him she would never know. It was at this point that he made another decision that would change his life and those of his loved ones, but something had to be done.

My Dearest Hermione,

   I cannot tell you how much I long to be with you now, but circumstances have forced me to handle this much differently than preferred. There are two ways that you can be reading this, first I could be gone, killed by the same beast that killed my parents. The second way is that I have defeated Voldemort, either way the power concealing this letter will be released. Hedwig has been instructed to deliver this, but it will appear blank until one of the two conditions is met.

   I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me for the choices that I made, but you must understand that I did what needed to be done to protect you. Know that this letter is being written the summer before our sixth year. I tell you this so you know why things changed between us. I have fallen in love with you and I could not bear the thought that something could happen to you because of me. I believe that I have loved you for as long as I have known you, even before the troll. I have realized that I went after you not just because of my "people-saving thing", it something more. I know now that even then I knew you would have my heart.

   I want you to know that no other person will ever have my heart, nothing that has happened since the writing of this letter will change that. Hermione Jane Granger, I love you with my entire being and for as long as I live. I have asked Remus to cast a memory charm on me to help me "forget" my feelings for you. I don't want anyone to discover my true feelings. I know that I haven't mastered occlumency and I need to protect the one that I love. I know that this seems like a selfish choice, but believe me when I say that I have thought through all possible scenarios for this and my choice is the one that has the least consequences. I realize that you may never want to talk to me again after you read this, but I needed to protect you.

   I understand that there may be someone else in your life when you read this. I am willing to take that risk. I want you to be happy above everything else, even if you don't want me. I know I have made certain decisions that should have been yours to make, but I truly feel that they are the best decisions that could be made in this situation. I ask you to please forgive me, even if you can never love me, I cannot lose your friendship, so please forgive me.

   If, for some reason, I do not return, I have a further request of you. Please live your life and be happy, make my sacrifice worthwhile. I want to know that I will be able to look down from heaven and see you happy, please do this for me.

                                                                                       With Deepest Love,

                                                                                       Harry James Potter

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"Remus, I needed to let her know." Harry almost pleadingly added, willing his former professor to understand.

"Harry, please calm down, I understand, and I am sure she will as well, she is the smartest witch of her generation. I probably would have done. . ."

"HARRY JAMES POTTER, WHERE IN MERLIN'S NAME ARE YOU!!!"

Harry cringed as he heard the screaming voice of his best friend. He was not sure if he wanted to run and hide or face his fate like a man. Unfortunately, with a loud crash, the door to the room he and Remus were in, made up his mind for him. He slowly turned around to see a very displeased looking Hermione standing in the doorway grasping a piece of parchment that looked oddly familiar.

As Harry and Remus looked dumbfounded, Hermione made her way over to Harry and. .

SLAP!!!!!!!

Harry was stunned into silence but he still heard Hermione say, "That is for playing around with memory charms."

SLAP!!!!!!!

"That is for trying to play the hero and almost getting yourself killed."

As Hermione raised her hand to his face again, Harry cringed, but he then felt the gentle caress of the one person he thought would never speak to him again. Then as he was about to speak, he suddenly found his mouth covered by a pair of the softest lips he believed ever existed. He slowly closed his eyes and started to revel in the feeling of Hermione's lips on his, the way she used her tongue to lightly trace his lips and the feel of his tongue touching hers. Then just as he felt he could get lost in the moment, she pulled away.

"And that is because I love you more than anything else in the world, and I cannot believe that you would think that I could live my life if you were not in it. It is not like I dream of being entwined with some boy. For the last nine years my job and desire has been the same, protecting you sorry arse?" As she finished the tears started flowing as all of the pent up emotions she was feeling came to the surface: anger, joy, grief, but most of all love. Harry did the only thing he could think of.

As Harry kissed the tears away, he started whispering in her ear, "I am so sorry for what I have done. I promise that I will make everything right, please, please forgive me." As Hermione slowly nodded her head he continued. "Come on and sit down, Remus and I were just about to discuss the last few years.