Harry's Drowning
By: Hake Balms
Summary: Hermione is in love, but with whom? She has many problems and she writes them all down in her trusty diary. But happens when even Hermione is pushed to far?
Author's Notes: Since I had SO MANY COMPLAINTS about this story. I decided to change some things around. I hope you all like it better now. P.S. there is an alternate ending.
WARNINGS: A little out of character. Do not like? Do not read! Also CHARACTER DEATH!!! *Hermione also HAD a relationship with Ron.
June 15,
Why do I have to like him? It's not fair. I hate my heart for doing this to me. My heart has betrayed me. I don't want to like him. Honestly, but I can't help but to like him. He used to be nothing but my friend. Everything was so much easier then. If Ginny found out, God I can't even think of what she would say to me… if she would say anything at all.
I love Ron, really I do. But… but I just can't stop thinking about Harry. I don't know what it is about him, but I can't resist it. When I don't hang out with him, or if I don't talk to him for a couple of days, I can convince myself that it's not real. That my feelings for him aren't real. But deep down I know they are. She would hate me if she really knew how I felt. I know that. But can't help it.
A liar. That's what I've become. I lie to myself about him. I lie to Ron when he asks why I am so distant now. And I lie to Ginny, when she asks if my feelings towards Ron and Harry have changed. I don't mean to. But they can't know.
My heart is a black hole. No one goes in there. Only me. There are so many secrets that I hide deep, deep inside me. I know that I shouldn't hide my secrets away, and that of all people I should tell Ginny how I feel, but I can't. The truth is, I Hermione Granger, trust no one. Well, at least not with my secrets. I want to tell the world, I want to scream them out, but I won't. There are some things that are better left unsaid.
I hate it. I hate myself for causing so much unnecessary pain. My heart stings when I think of him. My hands shake, and my mouth goes dry. I get this over bubbly feeling in my body when he's around, and just the mere thought of him makes me smile. Words cannot possible describe how Harry makes me feel. These feelings are my own little sin, something I will never let out. It is my own pleasurable thing that only I know about.
My emotions are so messed up. I want to be with him, but I won't. I can't. Ron loves me, and I love him. I can't do that to him. Ron has been there for me through everything. I can't betray him this way. What would he think? He would hate me. I won't break his heart over some silly school girl crush. I would never be able to forgive myself if I did. Never.
And I would never hurt Ginny. I've already done that to her before. We have just gotten back to the way our friendship once was, and I can't afford to lose her. Not now. She's the only real friend that I have ever had, I can't lose that. Right before the Quidditch Cup, I confessed my love for Harry to her. I'll never forget the look on her face. It was pure hatred. I knew that I had blown our friendship, but I didn't care, I loved him, or so I thought. I know it sounds bad, but I really, really thought that just maybe it would work between Harry and I.
I had reasoned within myself that if Ginny were my real friend, she would let me love Harry, and maybe just let Harry fall in love with me too. But she wouldn't hear of it. According to her, at the time, I was throwing away a friendship over a chance at love, a chance that might not even happen. I heard her words, and took it all in and I believed her, but my heart said there was a big chance.
No boy looks at you like that if he doesn't like you. No boy talks to you for hours on end if he doesn't like you. No boy goes out of his way to be near you if he doesn't like you. No boy would do the stupid things I got Harry to do, if he didn't like me. I had known within the first few moments that I liked him, and that a part of him liked me too.
Everything has changed. Including him. Ever since Dumbledore died, Harry has been very distant. It's understandable though. His once beautiful and handsome face, hardly ever smiles now. He's lost, I know that. He spends hours upon hours writing in that black notebook of his. He won't tell what he's writing about, but I already know. We don't have to use words to communicate anymore. Just one look is more than enough.
He's writing about Horcuxs and Voldemort. I've seen him studying things, checking them. He's paranoid that the dark arts are following him. He scares me now, but I still love him more than ever. When his emerald eyes give me that lost look, like his lost somewhere deep inside himself, I cry. I can't control it. Harry's drowning. And no ones watching. Only me.
I see him drowning, begging for someone to help him, but I won't. I am too scared of my feelings and of those that I love. I can't save Harry, I am not that strong. But I know that I can at least offer him a little help, and a little love
June 17,
I honestly don't know who I am anymore. I can't even explain how much I've changed in the last couple of days. My world is different. Nothing is the same. And nothing will ever be right again. I only have one regret about everything though, I know I'm hurting Ron. I love my red head more than life its self, but, when it comes to Harry I just can't control myself or my feelings.
Harry's knows that I love him. But we both only found out recently. I can't believe I did what I did. I am such a bad person. If I really loved the people that I said I did, I wouldn't be in the mess I've created.
I am the biggest liar on the face of this green earth. Ron wants to have sex. And I do too. But I told him that if he really loved me, he would wait. So that our first times would be right, and that everything would be perfect. Well, everything would have been perfect.
Silent, soft crying. It didn't take long for me to figure out who and where it was coming from. It was coming from Percy's room, which was now Harry's new room. None of it was supposed to happen. I just went inside to see if he was okay. But then he kissed me. And I kissed back. Before I knew what had happened I was on my back with Harry on top of me slowly pushing inside of me. It hurt, and the pain was like no other. But Harry just lent in and kissed my tears away. It was almost perfect. I loved everything about out, except for the guilt.
None of it should have been with Harry, I was supposed to have Ron there, Ron making me feel pleasure for the first time. But it just didn't happen that way. I feel dirty. I shouldn't have let my emotions run wild. I should have held my promise true to Ron. I shouldn't have opened my legs.
My heart feels cold. I think I've gone numb. But then, all of a sudden I can feel nothing but pain. Make my eyes shut once again and never reopen. Make all of the tears stop flowing down my cheeks. Make all my fears leave me be. Make myself happy once again. Make all of the pain go away. Make a smile appear on my face once again. Make everything right again. I just wish I could. Nothings right anymore. I can't seem to figure out anything.
I think I might have a way to fix this. It's odd, but it just may work. I hope so anyway. Please, God, please just let this one thing work.
June 18,
It didn't work. My heart is even more empty now than when it what is was yesterday. I snuck into Ron's room late last night. I told of how I felt. I told him I was ready. That I wanted to have sex. I told him it was my first time…
When he pushed into me, I cried uncontrollably. He was so sweet. He thought he had hurt me. He did in a way, not physically but emotionally. He trusted me so much, and I gave his away like it was a piece of trash. It was sad. He got off of me, he didn't had finished yet. He said he couldn't, not like that. Not staring down at me crying and not enjoying it at all. I could breathe in the hurt that was coming off of him.
I just laid there. He got behind me and wrapped his arms around me. It was nice, just to be held. I love him. I know that, but it still doesn't explain how or why I felt so bad. After a while, I was better again. I don't know what it is, but somehow Ron always mends me back up. He doesn't let me fall, he catches with his love. I only wish I could do the same.
We tried it again, this time it was much better. But of us enjoyed it, it was like we were true lovers. He kissed my forehead goodnight and curled around me. I felt so safe in his arms, but so wrong too.
I shouldn't be doing this, any of it. My heart is cold. I can't really feel anything but pain anymore. My thoughts are jumbled and don't make sense. I am beginning to wonder if I've lost my mind.
June 23,
I can't do it anymore. I need a way out. I just wish I never would have met either of them. Maybe then I wouldn't be so messed up. My mind is so jumbled. My feelings towards Ron are growing colder. When he touches me, I shudder away. I don't like it. But I feel guilt now that I don't.
Harry keeps coming around and kissing me in dark corners and when no one is watching. I hate it. I want it to stop. But when his lips meet mine, it just makes sense. I've tried fighting off my feelings for Harry. But, they are just to strong. I need to be with him, and I need to feel safe in his arms.
Ron is still in the dark. He doesn't belong there, but that's where I am keeping him. It's safer that way.
June 25,
I think they know. I love Harry so much. I think Harry finally realized I'll never leave Ron, not on my own. I'm too scared. The Weasleys are a part of my family, my life. I can't lose that. If I break it off with Ron, then most won't talk to me, and if I go for Harry, then Ginny will never talk to me.
I think Ron might know of me and Harry's secret meetings. I almost hope he does. Maybe then he'll break it off, since I can't. I can't chose between them, not yet, not now. I want my pain to ease, but the more I try, the worse it gets. I can't think straight anymore. I want to be with Harry, I love him, but I don't know how to say good-bye to Ron.
June 26,
I think I might of found my way out. There is no other way. My life has become a huge black funnel of emptiness. I don't understand how in just a few days my entire world and life can just collapse around me. I feel so alone. Even though I have two boys who love me, I can't say anything to them. I can't say anything to anyone. I don't think anyone will understand.
Nothing means anything anymore. Nothing besides my love for Harry. I love him, but he has got greater things that he needs to do. He needs to go on, and not worry about a stupid little girl. I hope he knows, that I'm doing this for him. I don't care what happens to me anymore, as long as Harry gets out of that dark place his has been dwelling in, then I don't care.
I don't want to do what I am going to do, but it just makes sense. It's better than the feelings I have now. I just love Harry so much. And I don't love Ron anymore. I can't love him. There is no room in my heart to.
June 27,
Ron, Harry, I hope you read this… it is for you.
I don't think I can breathe without you. And I know without you I would end too. Because all my heart rest with in your hands. And I have rested my hopes in your plans. Because…. you are the greatest man that I have ever known and I could live off your love alone.
Please, I'm begging don't think badly of me. I loved you both, don't you see? Don't say that I loved one more. I love you in different ways, and together you made me whole. I loved you equally, and please don't think I am a whore. Ron, you were my first love, but it can't stay that way. No one stays with their first. Harry you were my last, you were the last I was ever in love with.
Ron you were my love, you gave me strength. You've always known what's exactly in my heart. Oh how I wish we didn't have to part. But there is no other way. I can't continue on this way. I loved you, you know that. Please, Ron, don't ever forget it, or ever forget me. When pain filled my soul, you were the one who kept me from turning cold. Ron there was nothing about you that made me turn away, you were perfect, so please stay that way. I loved you the way you were. I loved that you loved me. I owed you more in return. But I couldn't do it, Ron. I am not as good as you. I failed. I cheated on you. I want you to know, that at one point I really did love you, but the feelings just are not there anymore Ron, I'm sorry.
Harry I wish I could see you smile once more before I go. Harry don't go back into the darkness. I did all of this for you Harry. I saw that you were slipping, that you were drowning, I had to save you. I didn't care about myself, only you. But has I helped, I fell in love. I never meant to, but it was better than anything I could dream up. Harry you helped me find that everything isn't has it seems. Don't belittle what we had, even if most of it was lies, I loved you, and I just wanted to say good-bye.
Boys? Can you be my little light to guide me out of the darkness? Can you, will you, could you, boys love me and show me what I've missed? Having you both, I was so blessed. I have loved you. Don't ever forget. You were the ones that made me care. You are the ones who gave meaning to my short life. Thank you. You've always known that I would rather have more life in my days than days to my life. And you helped me with that. I love you both very much. And please, don't be sad, this is how it has to be.
Always and forever yours,
Truly yours,
Hermione
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"Harry, will you tell me that you loved me, even if you never did?"
Ron knew he would never forget this moment, not for the rest of his life. He and Harry had caught on to Hermione's little trick of playing them both. He was furious. Ron couldn't believe that he actually loved her. He had given her everything, asking for nothing back, but she threw his love away. He wanted answers, and so did Harry.
They both marched up the stairs towards the room Hermione was staying in. Ron slammed his fist against the door. No response. He slammed his fist again. Still no response. By this point Ron didn't care. He was getting in that room and talking to her. He threw his entire weight into the door and it came crashing open.
He fell to his knees. Hermione was sitting in the middle of the room, holding her diary, with blood pooling around her. Ron saw that she had cut her wrist up her arms, she was serious. Cautiously Ron crawled over to her.
"Mione…" Ron shook his head as if wishing it away, and when he opened his eyes it was still there, he knew it was the truth. "Why? Hermione please…"
A gasp echoed through the room as Harry entered the room. Ron scooted over to her and held her in his arms. Harry fell to his knees, tears pouring out his emerald eyes.
"I am taking my life, as I've taken yours," she whispered out to them.
"No 'Mione… we can still help you…" Harry argued.
"No it's too late… I'll be leaving you soon…"
"You can't…" Ron's voice cracked, "I need you…"
"And I need you now, both of you."
Harry scooted closer and held her hand in his. All of the anger that was inside the boys' hearts disappeared. They were hurting, just as Hermione was. Both loved her more than life. She did too, but she couldn't handle it anymore.
" Can I touch your face for the last time?" Hermione reached out and brushed Harry's face gently. Tears were now flooding down her cheeks. "Can you stop the tears from flowing?" She looked desperately to Ron.
"I…'Mione…I…"
"Just say you loved me…"
"I love you."
"As do I…" Harry chirped in. "I loved you Hermione, I always will."
"I want you to be my hope in this hopeless world. It is growing darker, please will you be my light? I know I'm going. Kiss one last time please. Please…just do it for me…"
Harry leaned in and gave her the kiss of her life. She drew him in and let him go. Ron leaned in and placed a small kiss to her forehead. He leaned back and she smiled back up at them. Then she was gone.
"I love you," they whispered to her still form.
"I love you," they whispered to the girl who was no more.
Harry ran out of the room, screaming for help. Ron just laid there feeling like he was in hell. He picked up the blood soaked diary and turned the page. All of his rage melted, he was left alone and scared. He looked down at Harry's girl, with the bushy brown hair.
"I loved you Hermione. But that's okay. I know didn't feel the same. I know you loved him. You never had to name names. I hope he knows how lucky he was, to have a girl like you. I did once. You my special girl, the one I admired the most. I've always known, I was just Harry's ghost. What can I say. I can't blame you. He's a great guy. I just wish that you wouldn't have lied. I would have understood Hermione, I'm not blind. And to think all this time, I called you mine."
"But you were his, you always have been. But thanks Hermione, thanks for playing pretend. Trust me Hermione, I've known all along, that it wasn't me, you didn't belong. You were his, and he was yours, well, I think you should know, you did save 'Mione. From himself. I wish it didn't end this way, but you can't change time, but you did 'Mione, you saved Harry from his own mind. I wish you could have seen him earlier, he was smiling, just like before. I wish I could talk more, but the others are coming. I loved Hermione. But I know you didn't love me, you loved Harry. And really loved you too. I guess I'll see you when it's my turn to leave."
ALTERNANT ENDING!!!
Author's Note: This goes right after her last diary entry.
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The chocolate-eyed girl sat her diary down on the desk. Her hands came to her face to try to cover her flooding tears. I'm so scared. But I just have to get out of here. I can't do this. I love Harry to much. I need his kiss. But I'm stuck with Ron. How could something that feels so right be wrong?
A gentle tapping came at her door. Wiping her eyes, trying to make it seem like everything was okay, Ron came in the room.
It took her a minute to notice, but soon it was clear. On Ron's face was a single tear. He had been crying but why? What was wrong with him? It was her who was broken and torn apart right? Ron was supposed to be having the time of his life.
"Mione… I have something I got to talk to you about…"
"What is it Ron?"
"I can't do this anymore."
"What?"
"We need to break up. I'm living a lie. I can't do it anymore."
"What are you talking about? You want to end everything?" Her heart was swollen up in her chest. Oh my God! YES!
"I don't love you anymore. I've found something out about myself. I love someone else."
"That's okay, Ron."
"Not it's not. I shouldn't have slept with you. I lied. You weren't my first."
"Neither were you…" she spoke calmly.
"Who did you…"
"Harry."
"Oh, I should have guessed that…"
"Why?"
"Oh come on! I'm not blind! You've been giving him the eye for ages." Hermione blushed instantly at this remark.
"So you was yours?"
"itwasumwellucitwasumlon."
"What?"
"Luna."
"WHAT!?!?!"
"That's what I wanted to talk to you about! I know werid right? But she's actually kind of sweet."
"Oh, so what about all that stuff you said about her?"
"It was just stuff. I didn't mean anything of it."
Chocolate brown eyes met sparkling blue. Hermione didn't know why, but in that moment she found comfort in Ron's eyes. She was so thankful that he had slept around too. It was like her freaking dream come true!
"So, would you care if I dated Harry?"
"Not if you don't care about Luna and I."
"I don't care."
"Neither do I."
Both burst out into laughter. "I can't honestly believe this. We have both been driving our selves mad trying to love each other, but when both of us loved some else."
"I know, stupid huh?"
"Yes, very. Ron, do you think Ginny will mind? I mean they do have a past."
"Heck NO!" After a questioning look he continued, "Yesterday, I saw that Malfoy prat hanging about our house. So I go to confront him about it, and before I could get there, Ginny had jumped the poor guy. Trust me, they were all over each other, I think Ginny has moved on."
"Good. So it's all worked out then."
"Yep. Thanks Mione. Well I'm off to bed, to actually have a good night's rest." Ron leaned over and kissed her forehead. "Thanks for understand."
"You too."
Hermione shut he diary. And chills went down her spine. If he hadn't come in then, everything might be different she thought. Hermione flipped through her diary. And then opened it again. She put at big X through what she had wrote, and at the bottom added, "I think everything is going to be alright, again. I love Harry, Ron loves Luna, and Ginny loves Draco. I think everything just turned out the way it always should have been."