"James?" Lily calls out as she pushes the door open to the boys' dormitory. "James?" she calls out again.
She steps into their dormitory, it's empty. Beds unmade, clothing and books strewn on the floor. She shakes her head as she pushes a book aside with her foot to make a path to their bathroom. She knocks on the door and calls "James? James, are you in there?" She presses ear against the door, but she hears no shower, no movements, no sound that would betray his position on the other side of the door. She pushes it open, it's not locked.
It's empty.
He's not there.
Her heart begins to race, he isn't anywhere. He wasn't roaming the halls, he wasn't outside romping around with Sirius, Remus, and Peter, he wasn't in detention, he wasn't with her.
She turns around and walks out of the bathroom.
And then she sees him, collapsed on the floor aside of his bed, out of view from the dormitory entrance.
She rushes to him, his glasses are on the floor, he's half-sitting half-slumped on the floor. His eyes are closed.
"James? James?" she calls.
He doesn't answer.
She kneels next to his side and pushes his black hair from his face. She lifts his wrist up and feels for a pulse. She finds it, but just barely. There's a small box on the floor aside of him, tipped over. Aside of that is a small empty bag. Little white specks of something are on the floor. There's some inside the box too. Another little bag.
Tears fall from her eyes and she tries to wipe them away with her hand. She doesn't know what to do.
Don't leave me. Don't leave me. I can't live without you. I love you. You know that right? Wake up so I can tell you. I love you James Potter. Please don't leave me. Please, please, please. I'm so sorry for everything I've ever done to you. Every word I didn't mean. I should have said yes years ago. I was stupid. I'm sorry. I though you loved me. If you love me you won't leave me.
Laughter.
She hears it coming towards her, getting louder.
The door to the dormitory opens and Sirius, Remus, and Peter pour into the room, oblivious of the world.
Her hands clench together in fists as her anger takes over. He got it from somewhere. She knows it wasn't his. She flies at Sirius, her fists swinging.
Sirius is unprepared for Lily's blows, he doesn't even know she is in the room until her fist connects with his cheekbone.
"Lily!" Remus yells, as he is the first to recognize her. He tries to grab a hold of her, but she punches him in the side.
Sirius grabs her wrists and she struggles to free them. The tears that had stopped now start to flow from her eyes again as she vainly tries to pull away from Sirius.
"What's wrong?" Sirius asks her, trying to understand why she was trying to harm him. He lets one wrists go, but holds on to the other one.
"It's all your fault!" Lily yells at him. She pulls him to the other side of James' bed.
At the sight of James crumpled on the floor, Sirius drops Lily's wrist.
All they can do is stare at him.
Shock is written all over Sirius' face. He crouches down so his face is level with his. "James? James, wake up." He notices the white substance on the floor. He touches it with his fingertips and sets the box upright.
"Does he have a pulse?" Remus asks.
Lily nods, unable to speak.
"What do we do?" Sirius asks in a small voice, like it shall break any moment.
"Get him onto the bed. There's not much we can do," Remus answers.
Lily steps back as Sirius and Peter lift James up and place him onto his bed.
She sits on Sirius' bed. Remus sits beside her and places what he hopes is a comforting arm around her. She turns to him and cries on his shoulder. Sirius stands in-between the two beds with his hands in his pockets, alternating glances between his shoes and his best friend. Peter sits with his back to James' footboard on the floor, staring at nothing.
"Where did you get it?" Lily asks Sirius as she stares at him, waiting for an answer.
"Someone gave it to me," Sirius replied, not looking at her.
She scoffs a bit, as if that is supposed to help and starts to imagine all different scenes. Sirius and James getting high. Who knows what they were doing. Remus joining in with Peter. All of them having the time of their lives...
"I never used it," Sirius says, ripping into Lily's thoughts. "None of us did. It was untouched. I forgot I even had it." He stole a glance at her and finds her eyes staring into his. He quickly looks away and adds quietly, "I should have gotten rid of it."
Yes you should have. This wouldn't of have happened if you wouldn't of have kept it. It's your fault. It's all your fault.
But it's not all his fault.
It's hers.
It really is all hers.
He asked her if she loved him and she said no.
Why?
She was scared. So cliché. But he asked, she faltered and lied.
And now she was paying the price.
James even more so than she.
How stupid she was. Young and naive.
And now she feels old and worn.
She's sorry, and hopes that it is all just a bad dream, like everyone does, only to realize that it's not.
Tears fall from her eyes again.
"What's wrong Lily?" Remus asks her, alarmed at the tears falling from her eyes once again. He knows he isn't good at this and he wishes he knew what to do. Neither Sirius nor Peter tries to help him out.
"It's my fault," Lily cries softly.
Sirius turns his gaze from the floor and onto her.
Remus and Sirius exchange looks.
"It's all my fault," she says even softer.
"It's not your fault," Remus says.
"Yes it is," Lily insists as she yawns, both her body and mind exhausted. It's my fault I lied to him. Remus helps her lie down on Sirius' bed. Within a few moments she is asleep.
"What do you think she meant by that?" Sirius asks.
Remus shrugs.
"Maybe they had a fight?" Peter suggests as he stares at the opposite wall.
"And he would do this?" Remus replies.
Peter shrugs, "I don't know."
"I really should have thrown it out," Sirius says as he shoves his fists into his pockets. "If I would have known..."
"It's not your fault Sirius," Remus tells him. Remus gets up from Sirius' bed and lays down on his. Peter gets up from his spot on the floor and sits down on his bed.
They are all quiet.
They had been quiet before, but not this quiet.
There had been sniggering, suppressed laughter, the scratching of a quill on parchment, the rustle of bed sheets, even noises from outside their dorm. But tonight there was none.
Sirius stands at the corner of James' bed and watches him.
Peter and Remus fall asleep, as it is getting late, but Sirius just stands there. He is unable to move, his guilt making his feet into lead.
In the very early morning hours he sits down, careful not to disturb Lily.
When the sun starts to rise in the sky, turning it all colours of pink and red, Lily opens her eyes. The first thing she sees is Sirius still staring at James. When she shifts in his bed in order to sit up, he looks at her with empty eyes for only a moment before he returns his gaze to James.
"Has he woken up yet?" Lily asks.
Sirius shakes his head, "No."
"I'm sorry Sirius."
"Me too."
"Don't blame yourself, it's my fault, we both know that."
"It's my fault too though. I guess we're both to blame."
They sit there together in silence for another hour. No words are need. They would only disrupt the silence.
Lily is playing with the hem of her shirt when James awakes. Sirius notices it first and rushes to his side.
"Are you alright Prongs?" Sirius asks, with a great look of concern in his eyes, hoping he says yes.
Lily stands behind Sirius and looks around his shoulder to see James. She doesn't want him to see her, but she needs to see him. He's okay.
James, however sees Lily and his eyes widen at the sight of her.
Lily quickly backs up so she is out of James' eye sight. What to do? What to do? Get out.
James stirs in his bed to sit up, and Lily stands aside of Sirius and looks James in the eye as he stops moving. "I'm glad you're okay Potter," she says in a stone-cold voice. She walks around his bed and out the door without looking back at him once.
"Lily!" James calls out as the door shuts, keeping his voice from reaching her ears.
Sirius stands in shock for a moment. When he glances back at James, he hates the look on his face. James looks confused and heartbroken. Sirius' anger rises, but at Lily this time. He quickly strides out of the door.
Sirius can make out the silhouette of her body against the light coming from the bottom of the staircase. She is traveling down the steps rather quickly. "LILY!" Sirius yells at the top of his lungs as he tries to catch up with her. She stopps for a moment at the sound of her name, but then quickly continues down the steps.
He swears under his breath as he races down the dark stone steps. As soon as he can reach her, he grabs her arm to make her stop and turns her towards him.
"Where do you think you're going?" Sirius asks her darkly, scowling at her.
"Away. James is awake, and that's all that I needed," Lily says, not looking at him.
"What do you mean that's all that you needed? Don't you care at all to stay and make sure that he's alright?
Lily shake her head no, but she doesn't say the words. "I've got to go."
"It's six o'clock on Sunday. You have nowhere to be except for with James. He obviously needs you. You can't turn your back on him," Sirius tells her harshly as he tightens his grip on her arm.
"I hate you Black," Lily says with venom in her voice.
"You can hate me all you want, but you love my best mate so you're going back up there to be with him," Sirius says as he starts to walk up the stairs pulling Lily along with him.
"No. Stop Black. I'm not going back there," Lily protests as she tries to pry his hand off of her arm with her other one.
"Why not?" he asks as he continues to climb.
"I already told you why."
"Lily it's your fault that he took that stuff to begin with," Sirius says darkly. "I don't know what you did, but it hurt him so the least you could do is show a little bit of fucking sympathy."
Lily doesn't respond and follows him up the stairs without resistance.
When the two reach the door to the dorm, Sirius opens it with his free hand. James is sitting up in his bed with Remus at one side of his bed and Peter at the foot. Peter was setting a tray of food down on the trunk at the end of his bed. Lily and Sirius walk to unoccupied side of James' bed.
No one says anything. They are all to blame. Lily looks down at her hands, James stares at her face, and Remus, Sirius, and Peter exchange uneasy looks.
Peter tilts his head to the door and Remus and Sirius nod in agreement. The three of them leave their dorm. Lily and James are alone.
"Are you okay?" Lily asks him without looking at him.
"Yeah, I'm fine. What about you? Are you alright?"
He notices as a tear falls from her eyes. She shakes her head no, still looking down.
"Come here," James says, as he motions for her to move towards him. As she does, he takes one of her hands in his.
"I'm a liar," Lily says softly.
"What? No you're not," James replies.
"Yes, yes I am. I'm a horrible idiotic liar," Lily says, completely in tears now. She takes back her hand and swipes at her eyes as she turns around so James can't see her crying. Pathetic weak little girl.
"Lily, what's the matter?" James asks.
"You're fine and that's all that matters. I don't care, I'm leaving," Lily says abrubtly as she heads for the door. I need to get out of here. I'm such a horrible person. He's better off without me.
Liar.
She stops as she reaches for the door handle. Tears threaten to come again. "There I go, lying again. I'm such a horrible bastard," she says to herself.
"Lily, what's the matter?" James asks her, more sternly now as if he were talking to an uncooperative child.
She debates going to him.
Listening to his orders, like you don't know what to do.
It's my fault though.
He needs me.
Doesn't he?
Tell the truth for once.
"I lied to you," Lily tells him as she walks closer to his bed, but keeps a good distance away.
"What?"
"You asked me if I loved you," Lily says softly. "I said no. I lied." She bits her lip and looks away from his face so she cannot see his reaction.
"Come here," he tells her.
She steps closer to him and sits on the edge of his bed. "I'm sorry." The truth.
James leans forward and kisses her on her forehead before he wraps his arms around her. "I'm sorry too."
"It's my fault," Lily says. "If you would have..." and she can't finish as her stomach turns in knots and drops at the horrible thought of James not being with her anymore. She fights the feeling off and looks him in the eye. "I don't want to loose you James Potter, so don't you ever do anything stupid like that again because I love you."
James smiles. "I love you too Lily."
A/N:: Ahh, another one-shot. I'm sorry if the whole drug-use stuff wasn't very believable but I've never done drugs or anything so I tried my best. The whole story is probably a bit clichéd, although I didn't want it to be. 'Tis life though. I think it's alrite though.
I've got a terrible headache for the past four days now, so if you'd review and tell me what you liked and didn't like, it would brighten my day considerably. Thanks loves.