A/N: This story was written in response to the prompt Belief. It was originally posted at LiveJournal (username - latine) for a Lily/James New Years ficlet writing project.
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James clutched the library's silvery door handle and, as silently as possible, pulled the door opened. The first thing he recognised inside, besides the hundreds of thousands of books, was a group of Hufflepuffs which were furiously whispering at one of the tables in the centre. Madame Pince was secretly spying on them from behind one of the shelves, ready to start hissing at the very first sign of misbehaviour. Turning his attention elsewhere, James spotted what he was looking for almost immediately: a red-orange spot.
He headed towards the table where Lily was sitting. She wasn't doing anything - not reading and obviously not doing her homework because her schoolbag was lying on the floor closed - she was merely sitting there in the comfortable silence.
"Strange to see you here of all places," said James ironically, smiling and taking his bag from his shoulder. He pulled out a chair and sat besides Lily.
"I was just thinking," Lily said simply.
"Mhmm." He raised an eyebrow. "The question here, I think is, Lily, do you ever stop thinking? I wouldn't be surprised if you don't."
She didn't answer, but instead stared contentedly at the ceiling. The library's ceiling was one of Lily's favourite sights at Hogwarts. It was full of paintings. There were all types of drawings picturing events that had happened in the past like goblins and centaurs fighting against each other over a thousand years before, special and exotic potions rarely seen in the Wizarding World, and the most impressive transfigurations one could ever dream of. Lily had always stared at it in awe.
"James," she said absent-mindedly, her eyes still focused. "Have you, you know, ever thought about ... death?"
This caught James off guard. He hadn't expected this kind of conversation to pop up, but, after all, this was Lily he was talking about.
"Of course I have," he replied, turning his head, puzzled. God, she is beautiful.
Lily nodded not taking her eyes off the ceiling. "Are you scared of it?"
"No," he answered a bit too quickly. What is she playing at? Lily jerked her head so as to look at him. She stared at him politely, respectfully, even gently.
She is serious, isn't she? He gave her question a little bit more thought and finally replied, "No, I don't think I am, but I'm not sure. Of course, maybe I'm just lying about it, and maybe I'm terrified of it. But I guess I really don't know… and won't know until I'm in a death situation, don't you think? Maybe I'm just babbling here because I never got near dying, and thankfully not many people around me have died so reckon I can't say much." He shifted and moved his hand upward to rake his fingers through his chaotic hair. "Are you?"
But Lily had once again drifted away to another planet or who knew where. James hadn't expected an answer, though. Lily didn't like talking much about herself, but somehow James didn't mind that in the slightest. He didn't mind anything when it came to Lily.
They sat in silence for a few minutes. James, sensing that they were done with the conversation but still comfortable to be around her presence, thought that it would be a good idea to finish the Charms essay he had been working on a couple of hours earlier. He bent down and ferreted for some parchment, a quill, and some black ink from his bag.
The move a wizard or witch has to do in order to perform the Aclomania spell is to rotate his or her wand left, right and left again whilst saying the spell's incantation out loud.
Lily surprised him again halfway through his essay. "What do you think happens after death, James?" She used the same soothing voice she had before.
This time, he wasn't unprepared for the question. At least she was still talking about the same topic, which made it easier for him to keep track - and mind you, it usually didn't happen when talking to Lily. That didn't stop him from thinking that these questions were a tad strange, even for Lily.
"I... I don't know, actually." He scratched his head and sighed. "No one had ever asked me that before, and I honestly hadn't thought of it on my own. Now that you mention it, it's quite stupid…"
Lily tilted her head sheepishly, frowning. She was about to open her mouth to defend herself, when James cut her off. "That I never thought about it, not your question!" he reassured her, grinning.
Lily chuckled softly.
"I guess that… well… that, I don't know. No, hold on…, I do know, let me just think about this for a minute."
James sat in silence as he tried to come up with the correct answer to a question he had never even considered before. He fidgeted with his fingers ad he mulled it over.
"I know for sure that I don't believe people when say there is an afterlife. That sounds so… unreal, you know? I mean, is this life just a first step to prepare ourselves for the next one? This life is already too complicated, too full of things just to be the first step. And if it is, if they're right, then I cannot even dare to imagine what kind of retribution I'm going to have to pay in the next one. There are so many things here, right now, that make me think that as time goes by this afterlife idea is less and less believable."
He took a deep breath and studied Lily's silent reaction before continuining.
"You just got me thinking... what if, you know, after you die, you wake up and find that it all had been just a dream?" She gave him a doubtful look which he chose to ignore. "But not any kind of dream, either. One where your entire life was only a dream, but you would wake up and find out that the dream wasn't really a dream, but more of… what do Muggles call it? A premonition, is it? A premonition of what was to happen."
Now it was James time to frown. "Was that even coherent?"
James noted that Lily was looking at him intently, paying close attention to what he had been saying. It probably was, then. This made him feel safe to keep going. "And when you would wake up from this sort of dream, from this premonition, you would know exactly what will happen next because you've already been there once, have already dreamed it. Then you could live your life again, but this time around you would have a chance to fix your mistakes, or change whatever you wanted, you know?"
She blinked and kept staring at him and then nodded. "Yes, yes, I know what you mean. I've never heard something like that before."
James noted that Lily looked quite impressed. Another point for me. He chuckled, but couldn't go back to what he had been writing before. He was now too absorbed in the conversation. Besides, Lily couldn't seem to take her eyes off of him, something he wasn't about to complain about either.
"What would you change?" she asked.
He looked down at his own parchment and sighed. It was ironic how he wanted to keep on with the conversation, and at the same time how he wanted to forget everything about it. Why did she have to ask these kinds of questions?
He licked his lips as a sign of concentration and began thinking. What was it exactly that he would change? Well, for one thing, I would want to win Lily over earlier than I did, but for some reason he didn't want Lily to know that.
"Maybe spend more time with my mum before she died, or avoid getting caught by professors with our pranks." He grinned slightly before continuing, "Because, you know, some of those pranks were too good. We didn't deserve to get caught for them.
"If you're asking me if there is anything really important I regret doing, though, then sorry to disappoint you, Lily, but the answer is no."
She laughed loudly and her eyes twinkled. "What's your excuse, Mr. Potter?"
"Well, for once, I'm positive I have lived this life at its fullest, except for my mom thing. I would've liked to spend more time with her before she left, and even though I've gone through some rough times, they're part of my life. What would life be like if we didn't suffer, if we didn't feel any kind of pain or misery? If there wasn't any sort of misery, then the happiness we feel wouldn't mean anything."
He shrugged, running his fingers through his hair once more.
Lily bit her lower lip. "Interesting answer."
He resumed his writing, but couldn't contain himself. "Lily?"
"Hm?"
"Why are you thinking about this?" A trace of worry was evident in his expression. "Does this have to do anything about what's going on out there? Because everything is going to be fine, you know that, don't you?" He held her hand and squeezed it, trying to give her some comfort.
"What?" Lily looked perplexed. "Oh, you mean the war?" He nodded.
"Not really.. although that would be a reasonable answer. I dunno, I guess the thought's stuck with me these past few days, because, really, who knows what happens after we die? In any case, it's easier for me to think about death when I know you're not really afraid of it. It helps."
Much more pleased than what Lily had intended to make him feel, James went back to his half finished essay.
~
Three years later, in Godric's Hollow, the only thing James could think of was getting Lily and Harry safe, away from Voldemort.
"Lily, go! Grab Harry and run!" he screamed, preparing himself for what was coming next. He didn't stand a chance, and he knew it. He heard Lily's steps as she ran up the stairs heading to the room where Harry's crib was, but he knew that they hadn't acted fast enough. She had to hurry! Why was she taking so long? He turned around one last time before Voldemort smashed the door down, and to his relief he didn't see Lily or Harry. He smiled one more time and whispered, "See you at Hogwarts, Lily."
Then, determined, he turned to face the front door and fight bravely against his destiny. Right before the deathly curse hit him, James quickly thought back of a conversation he had with while at Hogwarts. She had wanted to know what happens after death, and now he was about to find out.
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